Unshakeable Faith

I spent almost 2 years on the road. I went alone to dangerous countries, 3rd world countries, I went to South Africa, India, Southeast Asia being led by God to pastor lost sheep and prophesy over people who needed miracles, people who were broken and lost.

I faced the fear of starvation, having no shelter, being stranded or even the fear of being raped by strangers.

But God’s voice led me and I saw thousands of miracles. I saw God healed backs, I saw people cry and I taught people how to hear God’s voice.

God told a Muslim girl to not be afraid, He told a Buddhist that everything was going to be okay. She said she wanted to believe in Jesus so we prayed in a hostel.

Having faced all those fears of ALL possible dangers, a virus was an inconvenience. Sure, I had my times of paranoia, but most of it was being persecuted by people for going out. My mom would yell at me for going out but I would hear God say “Go out and don’t be afraid”. I had thousands of divine appointments still. I went to the Abbey, I went to the beach, I met people everywhere. 

To everyone out there who persecuted me for going out I want to say the blood of Jesus works. He told me to go out every day – I was ministering to people out on the streets. I preached the blood of Jesus to heal. Y’all don’t believe. Now you do. I’ve been out everyday since the covid, been going to beaches, Miami, tj, planes, buses, trains, wherever God led me and I am healthy by his stripes. I hugged people, layed hands on people, prayed for people, I came into contact with more people than most and I kept proclaiming the truth of His finished work.

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

A lot of Christians don’t give believe Jesus finished the work- so they’ve submitted to fear and the government. By His stripes we are healed- that means in this present state I am healthy and disease is a spirit of infirmity that needs to be rebuked if it attacks.

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Last night I talked for an hour and a half with someone who grew up Christian. He found my dating profile on okcupid and we matched. I was reminded of the weightiness of my calling to pastor lost sheep. I was reminded not to get distracted and that even though I felt heart broken over someone who didn’t believe in Jesus, to keep my eyes on God and His promises for me.

 

He has promised me this-

  1. A life overflowing in abundance
  2. Complete health now.
  3. A husband that will love me with all his heart, someone who loves God
  4. A life full of promises, destiny and dreams. I get to do everything I love with everyone I love.

 

 

 

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The Abbey

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People ask me why God would tell me to go to a gay club.

Well, the Abbey actually means church, monastery.

The Lord told me to write about my experiences and share with you how the spirit has led me to thousands of people in my life. First of all, if you have never read my testimony, here it is My Spirit Led Testimony. 

You will encounter and read about a non-conventional testimony, I am a prophet who pastors lost sheep and have been led all over the world, with sometimes little to nothing to survive but was led by the spirit to pastor lost sheep. Lost sheep are people who don’t believe in Jesus or people who have walked away from God. The lost sheep of Israel are the ones who have not believed that Jesus is the messiah.

God has even led me to people through dating sites.

So is God non-conventional or what?

In December I lost my phone at the Abbey, 

I was devastated. I had lost my phone 2 times there already and actually got it back. That was the beginning of going to the Abbey for fun and ministry. What I mean by that is I have fun there but I also meet a lot of people there. I’ve met hundreds of people in that area that grew up Christian or walked away. I’ve prophesied to future pastors on the dance floor, had people cry into my arms.

It does take awhile for conservatives to understand what I do.

They think that a bar cannot go with Jesus. But little do they know that God works miracles in bars. Not everyone is called to this kind of ministry.

And the thing is I don’t do it intentionally. I go where the spirit leads, but I am not religious. Meaning I try to get to know people, I am friends with them, I am vulnerable with them.

Some people think that you should have all your issues figured out before ministering to others but that’s actually not true. God has shown me that I need to tell people how I am feeling, what I am struggling with. As I share with people, they share with me what they are going through.

That’s true ministry. Jesus shared in His pain, He didn’t shield the disciples from pain, He showed them He was stressed out, bleeding and sweating, praying in turmoil.

One night I was crying my eyes out because I was in severe pain, it had to do with heartbreak. I walked into this other bar without ordering anything and just cried into this guy’s lap. He said that he was going through the same thing and this other girl said she was also constantly getting used in relationships. Then the bartender asked me if I was okay and gave me his number. He checked in on me and made sure I was okay. He said he also went through a breakup and was heart broken. Then I met the manager who told me he was a lost sheep and grew up Christian. That all happened in 20 minutes.

I have been led to people sitting alone at the Abbey on numerous occasions. People who were really lonely and were lost sheep. I’ll walk into the place and feel the Spirit leading me to specific people. I’ll go up to them and ask if I could sit with them. I’ve gotten rejected before but I’d get the courage to talk to them again if it’s God’s will.

For example, one 60 year old man told me “you’re dismissed”. I felt so hurt by that. The next time I saw him again and confronted him. I said what he said hurt me and he apologized. He said his parents treated him that way and he thought it was normal. He told me that he grew up Catholic.

People don’t understand that when we tell people how we feel, it creates a safe space for conversation and relationship. I see him there all the time, he is often alone and I gave him a hug one time, screaming in glee and the staff reprimanded me because well, it’s covid season.

One Jewish man said his mom just passed away and his girlfriend broke up with him 3 days ago. Another guy said he was molested by his grandparents. One guy said he was feeling suicidal and needed a hug because his ex boyfriend physically abused him.

Sometimes I got yelled at for hopping tables. I’ve gotten kicked out for no reason. But I have guardian angels there. I have security guard friends, I have a Christian friend buser. I ask what their names are and become friends with them. They are familiar faces and most of them do have some kind of faith.

I have thousands of stories, and it’s not just at the Abbey. It’s on the streets, it’s at the beach. God uses everything and anything for me to reach His lost sheep and there are millions out there. They are often severely rejected by their parents and have no sense of home. They feel alone because they have no family. I can relate because sometimes I feel like I have no blood family. I didn’t feel safe with them and explaining my life/ministry to them has always resulted in rejection. 

I hope that one day everyone will understand, but that’s not the case. Heaven knows, God knows, and that’s enough.

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Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Moving Forward

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La Jolla

“You’re going to forget me in like 2 weeks”

I’m like no. I kind of ended things with someone I was seeing and we agreed that there are several factors that weren’t aligned.

One was the fact that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and he wasn’t in a position to get married anytime soon.

Strangely someone from more than a year ago gave me a call on snapchat. I don’t usually have the app open. I picked up. I had blocked him on all social media because I needed to move on. I could not move on if I kept talking to him. It’s like codependency right?

I grew up with this concept that I needed to stop talking to exes completely.

And it is true, your heart needs to start over. 

As much as we want to keep friends with people we were romantic with, sometimes we just need to start over and “WEAN” off people.

Like I’m weaning off people in my life, to start over and meet new people. 

Don’t look back. Move forward.
It hurts, it hurts but when you talk things out in closure, you realize that it is true, things aren’t aligned and you need to meet someone who has the same values. 

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Are You Ready For Your Husband/Wife?

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I want a guy who asks me how my day was? What my hopes and dreams are? How am I feeling?

A man, not a boy. A man who cares about me, not just his ego. A man who wants to take care of me, make me feel loved. He is not egotistical, self-centered. He is able to be vulnerable and emotional. He is in touch with his emotions and know what he is feeling. He can feel his heart.

“How are you doing?” not just “what did you eat for dinner?”

And he listens, not just talks.

So many guys talk, they go on long monologues about things I’m not interested in. I want a guy to say “I love you, and you’re the only one I want to be with”. I’m the only love interest in his life, not another girl, another pretty face.

He sees my value and my worth. He sees that I am more than anything he owns on this earth, more than gold or dollar signs. 

He is willing to die for me and show that he cares, by listening, by talking, by conversing. He puts emotional connection first, not physical connection. Because without emotional connection, nothing else matters.

I want a man, not a boy. A man is not afraid of tears, he is in touch with his emotions even if he seems weak in peoples’ eyes. His vulnerability is his strength, he is willing to admit when he is sad or angry. He is willing to admit he feels jealous. But he won’t control, he will communicate his fears.

Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that –

  1. You’re scared
  2. You miss someone
  3. You don’t want to seem like a fool but here’s all of your emotions
  4. You’re insecure
  5. Be honest and tell someone how you actually feel

Over the last few months God has taught me so much about what I want and how to be honest with people I meet, at any cost. This means that I have told my truth even though it may have hurt someone.

I want to be –

  1. Understood
  2. Heard
  3. Cared for

I have met plenty of self- centered men that only like me for my beauty or for how I make them feel.

The truth is – they should be interested in your dreams too, they should support you in what you want to do. 

A man who supports your dreams should ask you this-

  1. How can I help?
  2. How do you need to be loved?
  3. How can I make you feel secure?

and they communicate their emotions to you. They don’t run away from confrontation, they meet you half way. They show up.

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BREAKTHROUGH TESTIMONY- Holy Spirit Cannot Be Quarantined

Oh how the Lord broke through my heart today. The wonderful ways He breaks through my heart. I’ve been frustrated with people lately because I think people are going overboard with the virus issue, but DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY DAY?

I had a dream that a man was telling me to go to far away places. He drew out a map and I saw a motorcycle in the dream. Acceleration. I was sitting in a jacuzzi and I was in Hawaii. I realize I did want to go to far away places. I saw a blue door.

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When I woke up around 8:30 am I heard “go now”. I was doubting His voice, but I started getting ready. There was a game show interview but I heard “change it to tomorrow”.

“GO NOW”, again I heard. I started to get dressed and heard “wear pants, you’re going to run”. 

I started running after the bus. Immediately “talk to the driver”. He turned out to be Catholic and never grew up with his dad. He didn’t even know if he was alive. I shared my story with him, I could feel something in my heart. He offered me pork rinds.

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I get off. Walk around, get on the next bus, more men. This time a deaf guy asks for my number.

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I go to El Pollo Loco and I’m eating at the counter and am told not to, so then I hear them saying “china”. I’m hurt because I feel like they are making fun of me regarding the virus.

I call my friend. But I hear “ask for help”. I do, I try to call everyone I know. One replies. A guy I met at the Abbey. I tell him what happened and start crying. 

I go back to El Pollo and confront them. She said they weren’t making fun of me, they were just talking about my backpack. She apologizes, I feel better. I remember how this Mexican guy yelled at me during the Sars epidemic and told me to put on a mask.

I walk to the bus stop and meet a guy. He is muslim, I tell him about Jesus. We talk throughout the whole bus ride. He wants to be my boyfriend but I tell him my husband needs to be Christian. I tell him he needs to go see his parents and he said his parents have already offered him a plane ride but if he believes in Jesus, his parents may kill him.

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I feel weird, I feel something in my heart. I feel heat rise up to my face.

I take another bus back to Pasadena. I’m talking to another bus driver, a male again. I go to Target as God has been putting on my heart to get a bike. A guy helps me, and then another guy comes. Immediately I am drawn to him. He says he grew up Catholic and I share my faith with him.

I remember my first boyfriend was white and Mexican too.

I buy popcorn chicken. The lady tells me she remembers me….I was talking to the Christian lady that worked there last time.

I get on another bus and immediately see a guy with a thug life hat. He’s a lost sheep I know this. He is hard of hearing.  We talk and I offer him chicken. He says he is really hungry and going to work so I give him food, a lot of food. He tells me he has never had a girlfriend (or in a long time) and we are sitting together, I tell him I do ministry. We are trying our best to communicate. He says he is Catholic too, Mexican as well. Basically everyone I met today was Mexican.

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I lay hands on his ears, I’m not afraid of the virus. I’m more concerned about healing him. That’s what I do. Jesus is not afraid of people. He heals the sick.

I get off and hear “downey”, I was hearing it all day. Well, it’s late. I intend to go home because it is safe, but I walk past the local laundry mat and see a girl. I tell her I’m a Christian and she says me too! I ask for her info but she declines. She tells me she forgot her laundry yesterday and came back to get it.

God tells me to walk her home but she declines. She says “I don’t make friends, I keep things professional”. I ask “are you scared of people?” She says “yes”. 

I walk home but feel no peace. God am I hearing right? Am I doing too much? I mean I’ve talked to a lot of people today.

But yes, I follow the prompting (leave my house) and I go to the bus stop. It will take 3 buses to get there but I hear “ask for help” after I get off 260 S. Previously the Lord told me to call a guy friend and he says “you won’t believe what just happened, a girl just asked me for a ride and to buy her food”.

I get off the bus…I’m scared, sure. I spot a white truck and a man eating alone.

“Hi, I’m Christian and God told me to ask for help, can I have a ride to Downey? I am a prophet and I hear God’s voice”.

Conversation ensues and he buys me food. We start going towards home but I hear Downey again so I tell him to turn around. He tells me his daughter and him have cancer. He tells me he went through a similar issue as my dad. I start crying, big big tears. He tells me his dad left them too, 8 kids.

I’m crying and I can’t stop. This is what God wanted, a breakthrough in my heart. Because I was praying for people to be delivered of the deaf and mute spirit. I felt muted, emotionally. I felt an emotional breakthrough.

But now, heat was rising up my throat and to my face, circulation was happening. Something spiritual. I felt loved. My face felt hot.

I prayed over him and told him HE WAS NOT A SINNER because JESUS MADE HIM WHOLE. I TOLD HIM TO RECITE “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”. He had done enough for his daughter, he was enough.

It reminded me that I needed to see my dad that way even if he didn’t raise me. That I needed to release him from hatred.

The man called an uber for me. I hugged him. He was healed too. He said he isn’t as close to his daughter anymore but he wanted to be closer to her.

A Vietnamese man picks me up. He is married. God tells me to tell him “I love you”. I say “Jesus tells you He loves you”. God tells me to give him $1. He is Buddhist. He says in America people love Jesus more. He is elated with $1. But there is significance. Whatever you give to, you will reap.

You will get married, God says. Whatever or whoever you give to, you will reap. If you are giving to someone who has breakthroughs and freedom in their life, you will reap it. If you give to someone who has a big calling and purpose on their life, you have the same. If a musician gives to you, you’re a musician. So forth, I’ve found God does this prophetically. He will often ask me to give or ask for donations depending on the situation of what needs to happen in peoples’ hearts.

My life is crazy on so many levels but I see the fruit before the seed even hits the ground.

GOD SHAKES ME on so many levels. He heals me on SO MANY LEVELS.

Maybe some people are afraid of the virus, but I see that GOD REALLY HAS NOT GIVEN ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF A SOUND MIND! AND HEALING, WHOLENESS, RESTORATION. 

GOD IS GOOD! When I get home, my musician guy friend has given a donation. I see the double portion of fruit bearing. If you open your heart, you will receive in love and provision. If you ask, you will receive.

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You Are Protected From The Virus!

Someone tried to push me while getting onto the bus, people kept trying to tell me how dangerous the virus is, but GOD KEEPS TELLING ME TO GO DANCING! God has not given me a spirit of fear so even when I have bad experiences outside with bad-spirited people, or I’m heart broken, God tells me to keep interacting with people, to not give up!

WHY?

Because JOY, LAUGHTER is IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THE SPIRIT OF FEAR! 

 

I WILL NOT SUBMIT and I PRAY YOU WON’T EITHER~

“Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.” ~ John 14:27

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

 “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” ~ Luke 12:22-26

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

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JUST AS IN EGYPT, the slaves were BOND by fear, a LIBERATOR was sent to DELIVER the people. 

Are you going to be the liberator that DELIVERS others from fear?

Or will you submit to fear too?

GOD IS RAISING UP DELIVERS and sending them out into the DARKEST PLACES to deliver people! I am one of them.

A few days ago the Lord told me to go to the Abbey. While dancing I met a man who was gay. I learned he was Christian and knew Jesus. I started to prophesy to him that he was a pastor and that he was from Texas, and he was surprised as he said he went to seminary for pastoral care.

I had visions for him and he said that he was abused by his parents growing up, molested by his grandpa. His story broke my heart and he told me I was the nicest person he has met in 10 years as his own father abandoned him and none of his siblings want to talk to him.

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God Loves To Trigger Me

black-and-white-black-and-white-branches-cloudy-216695

I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.

My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?

When she left I immediately burst out crying.

Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.

I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”

Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”. 

I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.

I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.

God told me “go eat with them”.

I said “no God”.

He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.

Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.

I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.

So with a slightly awkward start I said…

“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”. 

They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.

Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.

Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”

Seriously?

Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.

And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.

You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.

But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.

Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.

This morning she was all nice to me.

I think she felt guilty about it.

Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.

What do you have to confront in your life?

I had a dream I told my ex friend-

“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”

I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.

I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.

When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest. 

man-in-black-shorts-in-water-3544412The tears may come, let them come.

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Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. photo-of-coconut-tree-on-seashore-1576955Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. abstract-adventure-bright-canvas-2397652Let it all wash away.

Let it all wash away.

It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.

I felt the heat and the anger…

But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.

“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.

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Jesus Was Not A People Pleaser

Today I had a huge revelation.

I don’t realize this but at times I feel pressured to be something I’m not because some people use financial contribution to manipulate or force me to be something I’m not.

In the beginning of ministry, when I was in Bali- a Christian wrote me and asked me several questions. How much do you spend per month, how do you know it is God speaking to you, etc. He said by knowing these things he would be more knowledgeable about how he and his wife could support me.

At first I replied thinking, wow- this guy and his wife wants to support me and contribute to what I’m doing.

But then after he said that God told him to observe what I’m doing.

I doubt that God told him to micro manage me. When God says to people – watch and learn, He is not saying “micromanage her and find out the how’s”…He is saying “watch how she steps out in faith without knowing how”.

That is how I’ve lived in the last year and even before that.

After quitting my job in 2011 I never really knew how God would provide exactly since I was freelancing and even picking up bottles to recycle…

But I heard His voice and His voice would lead me continually into the unknown.

So when God tells you to give to my ministry, He wants you to be connected to a faith that continues to step out without knowing how.

I have many people trying to micromanage me or hoping that they know everything about anything, but the truth is – I don’t even know where I’m staying tomorrow but God just says go.

That’s how I live now.

I don’t have my ducks in a row, I just get on the bus.

Sometimes I don’t know how the charge went through on my debit card but days like this, because of the weekend, I’m amazed that a lot of pending charges haven’t gone through and I can use it freely.

I live in a dimension of life that most don’t understand.

Why would a Buddhist/atheist at a bus stop donate $100 after telling him my testimony? I don’t know. God moved His heart. He said he donates to homeless people and I asked if he would donate to me. He said yes of course, a woman on her own, it’s incredible he said.

Why would a cashier just tell me he never met his dad? To a customer like me? So that I could give him my contact info and most likely meet with him after…I told him that I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and that I understood.

People think by understanding everything I’m doing that I’ve qualified under their list of qualifications to receive their financial support, but I don’t need it.

Not if I’m going to be scrutinized and manipulated.

God’s provision and blessing does not need human qualifications. I’m qualified by Jesus’ blood alone and I don’t need to bend and break for peoples’ approval- Christians or non-Christians.

If I’m outcasted by the majority of Christians I’m okay with that. I’m approved if by God, not man.

Why would God use a young woman like me? Jesus’ blood qualified me, not my education or ordained position at a church. Not my title as a pastor or prophet, not my smarts or eloquent words…I’m qualified by Jesus’ sacrifice!

Nothing else. Not by how much I read the Bible or how much I pray, not by church attendance or how much I love people.

And what continues to gain my access and provision is my choice to believe it’s by His finished work and not by my works!

If you give you give because Jesus gave it to you, not because you feel obligated to. You’re free to do whatever you want!

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Chinese man at the Airbnb I stayed at