Why I Left Everything To Follow Jesus

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Where do I even begin?

When I was young, I wanted to be a missionary but I didn’t want to live in a hut.

Slowly I started to believe a lie that I had to be successful in the world to be influential (or a light). I started pursuing my “dreams” and “goals” to be this successful and independent career woman. I was going to write books and speak around the world. I believe I am still going to do those things…however, my motive wasn’t right.

My motive wasn’t right because I didn’t believe that I was enough. 

I grew up with a single mom, didn’t see my dad for 10 years and grew up with a cloud of abandonment and rejection over my head.

God started to heal me. This road was long and strenuous.

I basically ran my own road thinking it was God’s. I ran myself dry. I was in a drought. I was still following God, but I wanted to do it my way.

The truth is I was running away. I was in pain, but I couldn’t face the pain of healing.

I went from running my own business to backpacking in Europe for 2 months, on my last leg of the journey I woke up from a dream where the Lord specifically told me to quit my career. When I went back all the finances dried up and the Lord told me to sell everything and follow Him. I was late on rent and my family was accusing me of living an irresponsible life.

So there I was laying at my friend’s house. God said “at 3pm you will know where to move”. Well, my mom had already offered up her place. The idea of living in a studio with my mother (who I have clashing personalities) did not seem like such a good idea.

But that’s exactly where God wanted me to be. And I surrendered. 

He wanted me to go through the grueling healing process of reconciling with my mother. I proceeded to spend 2 years living with her. During this time God also told me that I was a pastor to the lost sheep and that I was not to pursue any work opportunities. 

Imagine, you are almost 30 and the Lord tells you to rest.

All of society would be criticizing you, wouldn’t they?

Well, I went through the test of accusations left and right, until the point I knew who I was.

“I am a daughter of God and I am righteous in His eyes, I am approved by Him and not by men or women. I stand firm in this identity, Jesus paid the price for me”. 

After 2 years, the Lord said “it’s time to go”.

I packed my bags and went. I thought I would stay in Taiwan for a year, but the Lord actually wanted me to gather the lost sheep in different corners of the world. I went from no energy to praying for strangers on the street everyday. I went from timid to bold. I went from fearing to being fearless.

I went from needing recognition to simply being unknown. 

I wanted the spotlight but then I found identity in being loved by God. God led me through different industries like acting and real estate to show me that my worth couldn’t be found in any of that. 

Now, I spend days pursuing lost sheep. I ask to pray for people who laugh at me and reject me. I pursue sheep that avoid me because they know I will speak the truth to them. I climb mountains and dive deep to find the ones who have been wounded by religion or the church, I find those that are not believers in Jesus and I tell them Jesus loves them.

There are days I can’t stand the persecution, the pain, the rejection, the weariness, the attacks of the enemy and I’ll just cry to Jesus.

But I do it because Jesus changed me, He healed my heart of brokenness and He loves me.

Sow A Seed- Thank You!

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God Wants To Meet You In The Unknown

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I’ve been battling a cold recently.

I had a dream last night where I couldn’t figure out what train to get on, whether to Azusa or Disneyland. I took the train the wrong way, I got off, then took the train the right way, and then got off to take another train. Then I just decided to go use the restroom which was in between both trains. A door opened up for me to go number one.

In another dream, I was trying to choose the right cup to drink water from because I was parched. But I didn’t like any of the cups. Some were too big and some were dirty. Then I was lying on the beach and I had no sunscreen on and my eye was parched.

When I woke up I felt like God wanted to meet me in the unknown.

The waiting and transition season often feels like a drag. It feels uncertain, unstable…you often can’t answer peoples’ questions like “what have you been up to?”

Your reply might be “just resting”.

But it’s not just resting, it’s meeting God in the unknown. 

The transition period often calls for us to be still and know that God is God. 

He wants to remind us of His character – that He is good, that He loves us, that He knows what He is doing, that He sometimes puts us in a season of rest so that we understand His character.

And that is why Resting is so hard for people of this world. RESTING means letting go and trusting that everything will work out. 

That is why most people cannot rest if they have dire circumstances in life, but we know that Jesus is working on our behalf (we live from a place of victory) and so even in dire circumstances our hearts can rest in a God who knows what HE is doing, who is trust worthy and who never LEAVES nor forsakes us. 

So it’s not really just about God answering your prayers or delivering a miracle….it’s manifesting all those things HE wants to give us from a place of knowing how much He loves us and cares for us. He wants us to live out of our God given identities.

He wants to bless us as fathers bless their children, from a pure heart of love.

Whenever I try to figure out or ask God “what should I do?” I now know that I want to DO without knowing who He is or who I am.

When we are trying to figure out what’s next, it is often because “in the waiting” we have become impatient and doubt creeps in. This doubt asks us “does God knows what He is doing? Is He a good God? Should I try to handle this situation now since it doesn’t seem like God is doing anything?”

In the transition period, God desires for us to KNOW His character and heart in a deeper and stronger way.  He wants us to know WHO He really is in every circumstance. He wants us to mature in our understanding of our position in Christ.

So many people want to have His material blessings without becoming people who walk with Him as friends. The true blessing is becoming a people who carry His presence and become blessings on this earth because of their intimacy with Jesus. 

God desires for us to KNOW who we are– people with spiritual inheritance and authority. A people who have a Father who loves them.

God desires for us to KNOW who HE is– A God who loves us unconditionally and HAS PLANS to prosper us and not to harm us.

The unknown season forces us to get to know WHO we are in Christ and WHO He is for US.

So don’t feel burdened or rushed to get to the next season, there are treasures of intimacy in the unknown and waiting season. Feed your soul and spirit with the love of God. Indulge in the love God has for you. Rest in knowing that His grace is enough for you.

“I need you to understand who you are and who I am for you before I open the doors to the next season. Not knowing who you are could cause you to open doors to people and opportunities that will hurt you more than help you. I need you to walk in the Christ given authority you were meant to walk in, you inheritance causes you to walk in true spiritual power”- says the Lord.

Testimony Tuesday

Write your story with honesty and transparency. Maybe you will get criticized, but maybe and most likely you will set the captives free.

I’m wondering where I should start but I have been having dreams about telling my testimony.

I’ll start from the beginning then.

I was born in Hamburg, Germany. My parents moved there to study. They both spoke German but we are Taiwanese.

I moved a lot growing up. In fact, my mom was a backpacker like me. We weren’t the traditional Asian family. In fact, our lives were riddled with traveling, but often not on a luxurious budget.

I then moved to Taiwan and lived there until I was 8. Then I immigrated to America. My parents got divorced then.

I didn’t see my dad for 10 years. When I did see him, he was older, frail, not what I remembered. God took me through years and years of healing and forgiveness.

I can’t tell you how hard it was to forgive people in my life, but I know it’s supernatural.

My journey of faith was lifelong.

I knew God was always with me but I accepted Him when I was 12. From then on, I was already an outcast. I was just different. I was different in personality and style. My wardrobe was eclectic. I couldn’t fit in anywhere. My mom made my clothes so I didn’t have any brand name clothes. I felt less than because of that, I wanted to fit in but I didn’t have the money to.

So I earned my own money. I was plagued with feelings of unworthiness and started selling toys in 3rd grade. I started saving my own money because I wanted to be significant. 

This post is really about finance, identity, grace and God (your Abba Father).

SO I worked my ass off to be significant and worthy. I was selling stuff in middle school, under the table, very literally…while the teacher was talking. I was always entrepreneurial you see….but I didn’t know my identity in Christ. I also wanted to help my single mother.

I went onto pursue Fashion Design and Business, I saw my life with expectation and vision. I would climb the corporate ladder and (be miserable) like Devil Wears Prada. I wanted fame and status. I didn’t know why I wanted it exactly but everyone affirmed it, everyone applauded my goals, everyone was also running this rat race. 

Achievement and accomplishment was so ingrained and embedded in my identity that it took years to break off.

You see, even in church my accomplishments and DOING was applauded. 

The more I did and served in church, the more people applauded me. 

“you’re a great leader” they would say.

Things kind of hit the fan when one leader pushed undue responsibilities on me. “You didn’t take care of this person”- they said. I was probably 18 then? I thought to myself, how could I take care of others when I can’t even take care of myself.

I was dry. I had been wrung out with no more soap to go on. I was a really dry sponge.

Then some other mentor that I thought I could trust basically cursed me out.

I was forced out.

I wondered why.

I wondered why me. I was hurt.

Then I went on a pilgrimage, and it took many years to see myself right. I walked into the wilderness and I was confused. I knew I had greatness on my life but I didn’t know why I kept getting hit over and over again. Why was life so hard if I was supposed to be winning?

There’s more to be said but I’ll continue with this….

After years of trying to make it on my own, trying to be significant…I found myself following Jesus when He said to sell everything and follow Him. I had packed up my stuff in my friend’s garage and flew over to Hawaii to stay with another friend. I had gotten rid of my apartment, gotten rid of my car, and was off the radar.

On the outside, people had no idea that I was just obeying God. 

But you see, sometimes your obedience looks crazy to others. 

A year later, I was in Thailand. I had a one way ticket and everywhere I went I was simply following Holy Spirit. I didn’t go to vacation, I was simply exercising my faith. Because it wasn’t like I saved money to go, I had $1000 that I basically used up in Thailand. So now how did I go to Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, etc. I’m not sure, things always worked out. Did I do it with fear and trembling? Yes. But I saw God move and He used me to speak into peoples’ lives.

I found myself pushing a suitcase on the streets of downtown and staying in a Korean spa. I could have contacted people but God told me specifically not to. Why? He wanted me to trust Him, not people.

But God showed up in ways I never would have expected (I’ll have to write a book someday).

God taught me grace- that grace is not something I work for but something I receive and inherit because JESUS died for me to have it. 

I learned what it REALLY means to be a child of God.

Many people become Christians but never activate and use their faith. They stay stagnant and unchanging because they don’t realize that faith must be exercised.

You will not receive the PROMISE LAND if you trust in your own efforts. You must go forward, empty handed sometimes.

I am stronger now in Christ than when I was strong in my flesh. 

THERE IS A BIG transition and change coming and I know that many of you (myself included) is wondering HOW GOD is going to do it. But I promise you that He will do it, somehow. Because HE HAS done it before. 

“In my frequent journeys, I have been in danger from rivers and from bandits, in danger from my countrymen and from the Gentiles, in danger in the city and in the country, in danger on the sea and among false brothers, in labor and toil and often without sleep, in hunger and thirst and often without food, in cold and exposure.

Apart from these external trials, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches….If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is forever worthy of praise, knows that I am not lying..” 2 Corinthians 11

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Amsterdam, Holland

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Hanoi, Vietnam- 12182820_10156181978565603_8331432383287719801_o

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Melaka, Malaysia

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Morocco

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A Queen/King Honors Her Emotions & Boundaries

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One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.

I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.

She belittled the hurt.

And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed. 

I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.

I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.

After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.

It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.

During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.

But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.

That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.

“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”. 

When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.

I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets. 

I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions. 

Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.

I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.

I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.

But kids are rarely taught boundaries.

I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.

I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.

But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday. 

I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.

I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live. 

I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay. 

We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.

People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving. 

But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me. 

It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.

A queen seated on high.

 

Love Is What You Are.

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I wasn’t going to write but my back started itching and it started itching behind knees too. My body is very reactive when I try to block emotions or something I really need to or want to do. Sometimes it’s the “I don’t want to deal with it right now” in me that blocks creativity because creativity is, well confronting and emotional. But you never know what will come.

This morning I had a revelation:

“You will not be defined by your career, work, your friends, your parents, your history, your accolades, your accomplishments, your house, your car, your clothes, your makeup, your speech….you will be defined as love“. 

Love is what you are. 

When you are love, you don’t have to force yourself to serve to show love or be loved, you are love.

You do things out of love because you are pure and untainted love. Thus, you will also choose not to do things that you don’t love or that causes your heart to weep.

There is no guilt or shame, just love.

So then why do we struggle?

We struggle because we do not accept that God loves us unconditionally – because we have been taught by society and perhaps our parents that “love is earned“.

If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get to eat.

If you are not a good girl, mommy won’t give you stickers or toys.

There always seems to be a condition to love and love seems like a business transaction if you grew up that way. A trade, that is what love seems to be in our world. 

There must be a better way- unconditional love.

That seems impossible, not impossible if you accept unconditional love from God. If you continue to receive this love, your heart will expand and cause you to love in impossible ways. 

I have forgiven myself when all I wanted to do was continue punishing myself.

I have forgiven people that hurt and wounded me in deep ways.

These were impossible things to me, but God opened my heart.

He has continued to show me that His love is unconditional, unending, restful and beautiful. 

If we look at Jesus, He wasn’t defined by people. He wouldn’t even allow people to label Him or force Him to be something He wasn’t because it was not His time yet-  “Then Jesus, realizing that they were about to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself.” John 6:15.

He walked the earth as love. Knowing who He was, He didn’t need people to applaud Him or tell Him who He was, He knew who He was. He didn’t need people to like Him, in fact He was rejected by most and He continued to love even the haters.

That is radical love.

Love is what you are. 

You need not prove yourself, defend yourself, force yourself. You are love, that is what you are. 

In a world of self-promotion, don’t you think living as pure love will naturally attract the right people?

When we serve to be loved or to love, we are acting out of lack and a half empty cup. 

But when we know that we are love, we live out of abundance and an overflowing cup. 

A Blog Post For Children of Divorce

Divorce is awful to the people who divorce, but even worse for the children.

We are the invisible children who often suffer in darkness. 

But Asian culture makes it about invalidating the pain…”you should be grateful you know, that you weren’t abandoned, that a parent even took care of you” (like we are burdens instead of gifts in this world). These are the words you hear when you grow up in an Asian household. You are also taught to pretend like nothing is wrong. You are taught to hold your breathe and put on a mask. 

Because it is shameful, divorce. 

So there are seasons of my life where I feel pangs in my heart that I can’t explain, that I can’t pray away. It’s God healing the layers of pain that can’t be explained with words….it’s suffering in injustice and peeling off the hidden layers of protection, it’s trying not to drown and holding onto the cross, it’s looking up from under the ocean, every time God heals me…slowly swimming closer to the surface where I can finally breathe and laugh again.

It’s God unlocking chains that have held me down too deep, too many contracts and agreements that I didn’t agree to, that I was born into.

I didn’t agree to this. I break it off, I break off every lie that I was born into.

I break off every pain that tore through my heart, I break off the shame and the guilt that wasn’t mine.

It’s not your fault you know, if you were a child of divorce. You were a child who needed protection, not the other way around. You couldn’t possibly shield your parents from pain, you couldn’t have stopped the move, you couldn’t have because you were a child who needed protection.

So don’t feel guilty for not having done more. Even now it’s not your fault. You were a helpless child. 

Children of divorce often grow up with too much on their plates and they often continue to take on more than they can handle, sacrificing their own happiness to make others happy. Because I’ve caused enough hardships. I was a burden on her or him. My very life is a mistake. 

You are not a mistake, you are a gift from God. You were born into a tragic story but you were born as a brilliant idea of God, you are a gift and you are gifted.

No wonder some people live in rejection even until they are gray and old.

“No one will ever love me”- says he or she…”I’m not worthy of love”.

I wish I could tell you that this world is perfect, but it’s not. We are born into an imperfect world that needs redemption.

God is redeeming me everyday. Some seasons are heavier where I am faced with the wounds in my heart caused by thousands of stabbing.

There are layers and layers of protection and false bandages that children of divorce use. There are guilt trips and false shame.

Some of us live normal lives not recognizing or accepting that we have been wounded. These unrecognized wounds become unhealthy and destructive patterns in our lives. Sometimes we drown it with addictions like alcohol, sometimes we drown it by working hard and making money (and we are applauded for that, society looks up to that), sometimes we drown it with relationships and codependent friendships, sometimes we drown it by constantly being alone or constantly being with people.

It’s not about you, parents. This post is not about you. This post is about us children. We get to have a space to be ourselves, we are not guilt tripping you.

We get to have feelings, we get to have emotions. We are human, we are not an accessory to your lives. We were not born to be cute or helpful. We were born for God and FROM GOD. We were not born to satisfy or a fulfill a life you didn’t live, we were not born to be your source of love. We were born for God and from God. 

The responsibility to take care of wounded parents seem to last a life time, but it’s not supposed to. Children of divorce are not supposed to feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.

We are supposed to move on into healthy relationships and have healthy opinions of ourselves. 

But many of us still live under shame and guilt. We feel guilty for being born, we feel guilty for creating a mess, even though it’s not our mess. We feel guilty for being a burden. 

So God set us free.

Set us free from the lie that we are not enough.

Set us free from the lie that we are a burden and not a gift.

Set us free from shame. Set us free from feelings of unworthiness.

Set us free from the lie that we will never be happy and that we don’t deserve to be happy.

I have carried burdens that aren’t mine for too long and I need healing too. This is a space I get to be honest and myself. This is a space I get to be loved. Some people tell me “it seems like you are blaming your parents” or I hear “you shouldn’t write about it” ….but is silence better? Is it better to live in a world where everyone just pretends to be fine and dandy?

Why don’t we get to have feelings? 

If I don’t write about it, who will. Who will break the silence?

Who will shine light on the invisible children? Who will remember the forgotten ones? The children who grow up into adults but still live as rejects.

Most people will not see it, but God sees and He cares. He cares for every wound in your heart, He cares about every tear that you cry. He wants to set you free.

A prayer of release (read this out loud)- Dear God, from today on I break off any lies and contracts that were made on my soul and spirit the day I was born. I was born into imperfection and sin, but Jesus died on the cross for me to be righteous in your eyes. I am enough. I am loved by you. I am not a reject. I break off any responsibilities that are NOT mine.

From today on, I am a free person, I get to live my own life. I am not tied to my parents’ divorce, I am not a child of divorce any longer. I am a child of God. Now you are my parent, you take care of me, you protect me, you guide me. You have always been there for me, even when I felt like an orphan. I now remember that I am royalty, I was born to reign and not to suffer in silence. 

I forgive my parents and I forgive myself for carrying burdens that aren’t mine.

I am a free person! There is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Jesus, in Jesus name Amen.

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

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“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/