Jesus Was Not A People Pleaser

Today I had a huge revelation.

I don’t realize this but at times I feel pressured to be something I’m not because some people use financial contribution to manipulate or force me to be something I’m not.

In the beginning of ministry, when I was in Bali- a Christian wrote me and asked me several questions. How much do you spend per month, how do you know it is God speaking to you, etc. He said by knowing these things he would be more knowledgeable about how he and his wife could support me.

At first I replied thinking, wow- this guy and his wife wants to support me and contribute to what I’m doing.

But then after he said that God told him to observe what I’m doing.

I doubt that God told him to micro manage me. When God says to people – watch and learn, He is not saying “micromanage her and find out the how’s”…He is saying “watch how she steps out in faith without knowing how”.

That is how I’ve lived in the last year and even before that.

After quitting my job in 2011 I never really knew how God would provide exactly since I was freelancing and even picking up bottles to recycle…

But I heard His voice and His voice would lead me continually into the unknown.

So when God tells you to give to my ministry, He wants you to be connected to a faith that continues to step out without knowing how.

I have many people trying to micromanage me or hoping that they know everything about anything, but the truth is – I don’t even know where I’m staying tomorrow but God just says go.

That’s how I live now.

I don’t have my ducks in a row, I just get on the bus.

Sometimes I don’t know how the charge went through on my debit card but days like this, because of the weekend, I’m amazed that a lot of pending charges haven’t gone through and I can use it freely.

I live in a dimension of life that most don’t understand.

Why would a Buddhist/atheist at a bus stop donate $100 after telling him my testimony? I don’t know. God moved His heart. He said he donates to homeless people and I asked if he would donate to me. He said yes of course, a woman on her own, it’s incredible he said.

Why would a cashier just tell me he never met his dad? To a customer like me? So that I could give him my contact info and most likely meet with him after…I told him that I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and that I understood.

People think by understanding everything I’m doing that I’ve qualified under their list of qualifications to receive their financial support, but I don’t need it.

Not if I’m going to be scrutinized and manipulated.

God’s provision and blessing does not need human qualifications. I’m qualified by Jesus’ blood alone and I don’t need to bend and break for peoples’ approval- Christians or non-Christians.

If I’m outcasted by the majority of Christians I’m okay with that. I’m approved if by God, not man.

Why would God use a young woman like me? Jesus’ blood qualified me, not my education or ordained position at a church. Not my title as a pastor or prophet, not my smarts or eloquent words…I’m qualified by Jesus’ sacrifice!

Nothing else. Not by how much I read the Bible or how much I pray, not by church attendance or how much I love people.

And what continues to gain my access and provision is my choice to believe it’s by His finished work and not by my works!

If you give you give because Jesus gave it to you, not because you feel obligated to. You’re free to do whatever you want!

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Chinese man at the Airbnb I stayed at

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As A Child, Depending On God

Breaking out of fear of lack: This journey recently has really challenged me to live like today is my last day. To not worry about tomorrow. There are times money is so tight I worry about the next day and God is just like – use what you have for today and tomorrow I will provide for where you will stay and what you will eat.
It’s literally living without fear of anything. Fear of danger, fear of lack, fear of tomorrow. When we are children, we learn to rely on our parents. It’s a given, we don’t think about it. But when we grow up we are taught to be self-sufficient. We are afraid to ask for help, we think it’s shameful to not be able to be independent. But none of us are meant to be self-sufficient. God wants us to be like children at all times. 

God is our father and He will provide all things according to His riches in glory.
So don’t clamp onto what He already gave you. Use it and He will provide more.
Our fear of tomorrow often has us holding onto what needs to be used for today, and we never really step into our purpose or destiny because we are worried about a future that never comes.

I see kids playing at the arcade and I’m reminded how kids rarely have a lot of money but when they run out they ask their parents for more.
God wants us to live like this in perfect faith that he will always provide when we run out.

God doesn’t want us to be self sufficient he wants us to be like children.

As I was writing this I saw a girl dancing in Burger King. Right before I found myself singing to the Burger King songs playing and she started singing too.

I had just moved to another hostel today and was feeling lack because I had $20 NZD left for food that day (and just in general and in total). I was worried about tomorrow and where I would stay. I was thinking about tomorrow but not having the energy for today (as the thoughts of lack was pressing down on me and weighing on my heart, truthfully there are just days I doubt that God will come through for me and my mind goes to worse case scenario).

However, there was a man on the opposite bunk bed that was hiccuping. I asked to pray for him and I said “I see you surfing” and he said “yes I surf, is it because you saw my tattoo?” and he turned his forearm. There was a tattoo of waves. I said “no, I didn’t see that at all”.

After that, I was like….I need to get out of this funk and just use my money in faith. So I decided to go to Burger King and have a meal. I guess God wanted me there to meet these girls.

I felt like I needed to pray for these 3 girls, 14 year old high schoolers.

They had such unjaded confidence, perhaps the type of confidence I once had but am finding again.

I ended up praying for them and telling them my testimony and journey. Truthfully sometimes when I pray for people, I am actually learning more from them than anything. They were all Christians too.

I remember when I was 14. I wanted to change the world and I believed that I could. I had a heart for women, and I wanted to rescue women from human trafficking. I thought that anything was possible.

I am slowly believing that again, but life sometimes have a way of getting you down.

All things are possible with God. 

Anything is possible. 

Help us to have a hope of a 14 year old.

Prayer:

Dear God- I pray that you will help our hearts to trust you completely, as children. I pray that we will not rely on ourselves, but the heavenly Father who richly provides. I pray that you will rid our hearts of the fear of lack. So often we grow up relying on our parents but when it comes time we move out and we think we have to be self-sufficient.

But God you desire us to be like little children, daily trusting you.

God today we trust you completely. You’ve never let us down. Rid our minds of the fear of the future. Our future is in your hands, not ours. You are our Father and you provide for us. Thank you for loving us. In Jesus name Amen!

When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

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You Are Enough – The Message of The Cross

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I realized this morning that I’m scared of happiness. I’m scared to be happy.

All my life I lived in the shadows of a broken home and unworthiness seemed to follow me wherever I went.

I started to see my worth when I understood grace, a finished work that required no work of my own but that Jesus finished the work for me.

Yet when I see a happy couple or family, my heart is doubtful.

I want to find flaws and I want to know they’ve struggled, I want to see brokenness, I want to know I’m not the only one who has struggled or is struggling.

At the same time I don’t want my pessimism to touch them, to infect their happiness.

I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

I deserve happiness and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have.

I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

Growing up I felt like God owed me a great deal for the way I grew up. I was always fighting to survive. There was always a conflict, a struggle, a battle and I often felt restless.

I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unable to feel like myself in this world.

Just receive, sometimes it’s easier to give than to receive. Because to receive you must believe you are worthy of it. 

But when you feel unworthy, you’ll refuse the help.

Sometimes we’re afraid to give because we’re afraid we will lack or not have enough.

Both comes from a fear of lack.

But in Christ we are whole and not lacking and only in loving can we understand grace, that it is all sufficient and not lacking.

Your worth isn’t in how you grew up, what situation or circumstance you are in now. Your worth is in being a child of God, knowing Jesus died for you to make you whole.

They don’t have more than you do- the ones you think have more financially, relationally, etc.

You have everything you need to do what you need to do.

My friend told me she felt depressed as she is unmarried, broke and traveling but the truth is she has everything that she needs- Jesus.

Even though I’m living in a beautiful house, I am a beautiful house.

I am the beautiful car, I am the delicious food, I am a happily married couple.

I am everything that I could ever want.

That is wholeness…realizing you are enough and you are not lacking.

You might be divorced, without income, childless, unmarried, but you are not less than those with a happy family.

God died for you in whatever circumstance you’re in and he made you pure as snow, whole, not lacking. 

He filled every imperfection, discrepancy, every hole, every feeling of lack and said you are complete.

You are not complete when you have more, you are not complete when your bills are paid, you are not complete when you get married, you are not complete when your kids are grown, you are not complete when you’re disease free- you are complete and whole NOW because of the BLOOD OF JESUS.

The danger in accruing blessings is that we start to think our worth is based on what we have when the truth is our worth comes from the finished work of Jesus.

You are blessed when your parents disapprove or approve of you.

You are blessed when you are in need or not in need.

You are blessed with or without a husband/wife.

You are blessed whether you are in the greatest or worst shape of your life.

You are blessed whether you have debt or not.

You are blessed because of the blood of Jesus. In the Spirit al is finished. That is our true identity as Kings and Queens.

We need to see people for who they really are. We call and prophesy people into who they really are- not by taking pity.

Even if you never preach like TD Jakes- you are whole and enough.

Even if your ministry never becomes as big as Hillsong, you are enough.

Even if no one knows or recognizes you for your service to God and people,  you are enough.

Even if you don’t write a book, you are enough.

Even if you are a backstage person and the lime light never shines on you, you are enough.

Even if no church affirms or approves of what God put on the inside of you, you are enough.

God will use the unexpected people to show His power because it’s not by might or flesh, but by the power of the Spirit. So if you are young or old, you feel like a failure, you feel like your life has fallen apart and you feel ashamed of your past- know that God’s power is most mighty in the ones who have no power of their own, no ability of their own. We have to get back to being a child of God, being unable on our own, being fully reliant on Jesus our savior. 

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. 

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A Persevering Love

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A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia

I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.

There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.

Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.

“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.

I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.

As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.

This is living with an open heart.

God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.

Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.

The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out. 

After a few days, you have to cry.

Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb. 

Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.

I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.

There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.

But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.

I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.

More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.

And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.

This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust. 

But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.

Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.

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Open Your Heart To Feel

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A rice paddy in Bali, Indonesia

Women are scared to reject men because they don’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. To be the cause of someone’s pain makes you feel that you are not enough and you can’t possibly make everyone happy.

But essentially you are not God.

I meet lots of men and women that tire themselves out trying to be everything to everyone and I have tired myself out like that before.

You are not responsible for how others feel about themselves. 

Most people will not understand why you do what you do.

You will upset and hurt people for living your truth, they will not be able to understand why you chose to leave home or chose to be far away from them.

You cannot change yourself to make others feel better about themselves or to appease them to fill and cover insecurities they feel about themselves.

You can only live your truth.

You can only live out your truth.

And when we don’t, when we pretend to be something we are not- our hearts suffer from it.

We can’t love without risking it and we can’t love without experiencing pain.

What I mean is- you are no responsible for protecting peoples’ hearts, God is. He is also responsible for protecting your heart. 

We can’t live our lives being afraid of offending others, call it “politically correct” or socially acceptable. Jesus was offensive. He loved those who didn’t deserve love in society’s perspective.

The disciples wanted him to be around all the time but he disappeared to have alone time. 

You can’t right all wrongs. 

You can’t explain yourself to everyone, and you don’t need to.

The ones who usually need explanation are not those who want your help and want to understand- they just want to instigate and make you feel less than….

Their own insecurities causes them to question your confidence. 

Perhaps if they make you question yourself they’ll succeed in derailing you from your truth and insecure people love to have company.

I am not saying I am always confident but I’ve learned to follow the voice and heartbeat of God, I’ve also learned to listen to my heart and to trust my heart.

And to seek that quiet voice instead of all the noises that seek to distract me, and they do come, often.

The naysayers say “but over confidence in yourself is wrong” when in truth they are petrified to follow their heart because they are afraid of failure, humiliation, rejection, judgement and most of all- PAIN.

Because some people will avoid pain at all costs.

Pain, disappointment conveys to them “you’re not enough”, you’re a loser and not a winner.

But pain is part of life.

Pain is your heart aching for heaven on earth.

Paradise, never ending love.

It’s an echo, a cry for help “there must be more” says your heart.

There must be a love that is eternal, a love that never fails you nor forsakes you, a love that doesn’t cheat on you nor betrays you.

And that love came to earth to bear all our pain and imperfection- Jesus.

That’s why it says “cast all your cares on the Lord for he cares for you”.

And there is no such thing as failure because God desires honest more than feigned enthusiasm. He is a God that is more than able to handle our fragile hearts.

Sometimes things we don’t expect comes out of our mouths because we’ve suppressed our truth for too long, pretending to be a version of self that is acceptable to others, whether that is our friends or family.

People (strangers) confess things to me they’ll never tell their friends or family because the shame is too much to bear.

People will tell me about relationships they had with married man/woman, abuse, deep longings, relationship fails, parents, self-abuse, attempts at suicide, sleeping with prostitutes, etc….the shame is heavy to bear and so they unload to me.

And for some reason, I feel no need to judge as I am myself imperfect.

But that is love, a total embrace that is unconditional.

I’m currently in Bali and the air is inspiring me in all kinds of ways. I’m overcoming my fear of the scooter as 3 years ago I got into a moped accident. I’ve learned to let go a little and just have fun in the midst of ministering and praying for people.

Yesterday I was praying for a girl in the middle of the lake.

Now I think about it I could have baptized someone, that would have been cool. But I’ve learned to just take a chance, to not forebode what could happen, but simply trust myself and God.

The woman who I’ve become friends with at the local eatery said “thank you! I slept well last night after you prayed for me. I’ve taken your advice to get more rest”.

The prophetic word- I saw a shirt the other day – it said “think less, live more”.

There are times I’m petrified and anxious, God how are you going to do it? How will you provide? And then He comes in when I least expect it.

I’ve told many people my testimony at the hostel I’m staying at- people are SERIOUSLY bewildered when I tell them that I haven’t had a phone for weeks and that God always provides what I need, even if it’s a stranger helping me with a ride or carpooling with me. 

God always sends angels to help me. 

And with this I realize that I’m living in complete trust in the Lord. That He literally is taking care of me as a Father would.

I usually would have some fear going into a new country but I knew that I would carpool with someone. I asked 5-6 people if they were going to Ubud and I ended up in a car with an Australian couple. It was a divine assignment. During the 1 hour and a half I prayed and prophesied over them as I heard their stories.

Everyone has a story and sometimes it’s cruel, sometimes it’s painful. 

But God is making all things new.

He is healing every wound and every bad memory and He is restoring unto you all that you have lost.

A girl I prayed for at an ice cream shop

God does not want slaves to listen to orders, He wants friends that will partner with Him in restoring the earth and the hearts of people.

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You Don’t Need Anyone Else’s Acceptance To Do What The Lord Has Called You To

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Testimonies and Updates from Singapore 
Prophetic Dreams, Word and PRAYER

I am looking for a few people to sow for the next place God is calling me to. I am heading to Indonesia on January 25.

Any amounts are a huge help. And you are sowing into souls.

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Try Anything For You Will Not Fail

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Prophetic Word-

I hear the Lord say you are enough, you are not lacking and you have everything you need to move forward. I actually walked into a bookstore and told this to a girl and right after I realized God was speaking to me through me prophesying to her.

I spent a week in Melaka, Malaysia ministering there and then the Lord told me to go to Singapore. Well, I had about $60 in the bank and about 250 ringgits that my friend gave me. My phone was totally dead but I knew that the Lord would provide. I didn’t feel peace about booking any hostel or doing couchsurfing as I felt the Lord would lead me to where I needed to go. I also felt like I needed to stay at a hostel but that the hostel was not online.

However, I was still petrified and had a few days of feeling paralyzed in fear and I had to spend time with Jesus to even have any inkling of courage.

My time in Malaysia was fruitful, the Lord prophesied to people and healed people through me.

Testimonies:

On the day I was going to Singapore I saw a man at the bus station, I asked him if he was going to Singapore. He said yes. Right away I shared with him that I was a missionary and he said me too! He is an artist/minister.

On the bus we shared testimonies for 3 hours. In the beginning I shared how I was relying on the Lord for finances to keep going and that I’ve been going for 5 months since July to over 8 countries (Taiwan, Korea, Japan, China, Hong Kong, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore).

When I went to the bathroom, the Lord spoke to this gentleman and told him to sow a seed. He gave me an envelope. I was shocked and surprised. The Lord surely provides. He said that the Lord told him I needed it more than him and this was true.

During the ride I felt that I needed to pray for the man and I held him like a baby, it was the strangest thing but I felt like I needed to do it. I said that he was a baby and that he must rely and rest in the Lord like a baby. That the Lord is taking care of all of his needs. I also felt that when he gave, the Lord broke off the spirit of lack. The Lord often calls us to give so that we are reminded “The Lord is our shepherd, we lack nothing” and that the Lord will refill what we gave in more abundance.

We cried and prophesied to each other on the bus, I felt like he was like a father figure.

When I got to Singapore, I first got some change and then asked which bus I should take to get to Chinatown. The Lord had impressed on my heart to go to Chinatown. I knew there were people I needed to reach there.

Without a phone, I got on a bus. First there was a man with an injured leg and I asked to pray for him but he said no. Later a madam and her helper got on the bus. I made some small talk and asked to pray for them, they said okay. I asked her if she knew of any hostels in Chinatown, she said no.

She said “Follow me” and I was hesitant but decided to follow her off the bus. She said “want to eat?” I said YES I am starving. She treated me to a big meal as we fellowshiped. I found out she was also Christian. I explained to her helper that I only had about 100 singaporean dollars to spend on a week at a hostel and I may not have enough. Even though the Lord had already provided 200 ringgits by the gentleman on the bus….

All of a sudden I heard the Lord said the lady would pay for my hostel.

I was like “okay, well I’ve heard things from you but sometimes they don’t pay God” (for example, I’ve heard God say “she will pay for your meal” and sometimes it doesn’t happen).

All of a sudden the madam got money out of her bag and put it in mine. I didn’t know how much she put but the helper said “see my madam is very kind, she just gave you 100 singaporean”.

I was like OMG you were right.

God provided enough for a hostel, but then now I had to find a hostel within my budget.

I walked into 5-6 hostels and I’m like LORD, show me the way. He said “go forward”. Many of the hostels were fully booked. Finally I looked across the street and I saw one that seemed plain and simple. I’m like Lord….

I walk in and ask if they have a bed, bam. It was sort of within my budget but if I spent all my money on the hostel, I wouldn’t have money for food. In the afternoon I suddenly had the idea to ask for a week’s discount and the owner said “yes, we have”.

Praise God. It was a considerable discount and it was the Lord providing.

Testimonies of Ministry:

As you know I pray for people when I minister. Sometimes people say yes, sometimes no. If the opportunity is there, I share my testimony and story of Jesus in my life. These are just a FEW of the testimonies that happen on a daily basis.

I saw a cat and started petting it. The owner of the shop came out and started talking to me. I shared why I was here in Singapore and he shared some of the things he has been through the last year. I prayed for him and also found out he used to be christian. I said the Lord led me here to let him know that The Lord has never left him.

The night I arrived, there were 3 Filipino ladies in the room. They happen to be Christian too and they prayed for me.

One day I asked to pray for a Vietnamese girl. I prophesied that “the Lord said to follow your heart and not to be afraid. I felt like it was her job that she didn’t like.”

She was shocked, “how did you know what I was thinking?”

I said “the Lord speaks to me”. She ended up receiving the Lord and I told her “you can hear God too” so we sat there holding hands. She said “the Lord told me not to be scared” in Vietnamese.

There are many more testimonies.

The Lord has told me to continue in Indonesia and I am looking for ministry partners that are willing to sow. The flight ticket is about $90 and finances for housing and food. I am aiming for $500.

If you feel the spirit leading you to give, know that the Lord will bless you MORE abundantly and your reward will also be in heaven.

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