Writing from Nelson, New Zealand
Another day of following the Holy Spirit with my bag and suitcase.
Not comfortable. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and just went to pray, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t have enough for a hostel the next day and today the Lord said “It’s time to move on”. I prayed for a few people and told my testimony to an English guy.
Dying to myself is so hard.
I want to be comfortable, I want to have the security of finances, but I have to trust God alone.
R represents me, G is God.
R- I’m scared that you will leave or abandon me. I can just imagine the worse case scenario, me lying on the street.
G- Trust me. I am leading you to the lost sheep. My ways are not your ways. I know you want to know how it’s going to happen, but my ways are not your ways.
R- Why me?
G- Because you are willing.
R- But it’s difficult.
G- In your weakness my strength is made perfect.
“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
R- I tried everything didn’t I? I tried to fundraise, I tried couchsurfing. But your ways are not mine, so though my heart is unwilling, I submit to your ways.
G- Flow with my Spirit. I know that you want to run away, like Jonah. But you’re choosing to stay. Remember when you watched “Married At First Sight”? You have a choice to STAY OR LEAVE…yet every time you’re choosing to STAY. You’re choosing the safe path of following me. Though everyone else may think this is the unsafe and unsecure path, you are choosing the only path that matters, the path of life, the path of the Kingdom, my path.
This all makes sense now. Before I left Los Angeles to follow Jesus in search of lost sheep, to share Jesus with people….I kept having dreams about getting married.
I had dreams that I was wearing a wedding dress and getting ready on an airplane.
This was saying “Yes” the the Ring, the dress, the commitment to God. This was believing that God had the best intention for me, that His heart is love for me.
That as a husband, God will never leave nor forsake me.
So I’m not alone, though I may feel that everyone else has abandoned me.
I am so thankful for the people that continue to pray and support me on this journey, but nothing compares to the presence of God. People are not constantly next to me to root me on. People are not there 24 hours to pray with me. Sometimes I feel like I really can’t go on anymore, I feel petrified. I have a few dollars, I don’t know what will happen but I’m choosing intimacy with God.
The Lord has just drawn me to a place of closer intimacy with His heart.
G- I will do and go anywhere for one person, will you do that? Will you pour out your life for the sake of one?
R- yes I do and will.
G- You are my faithful warrior. Don’t give up, be brave and bold for I am with you.
Yesterday I prophesied over a Thai man, I saw him doing graphic design. He was shocked. He asked me how I knew as he just returned from Wellington (where he was doing graphic design)- I said Jesus showed me.
G- You’re bringing them closer to me. The revelation of who I am, love.
R- What about me Lord?
G- I will never leave nor forsake you. Be brave and move forward. Walk in my spirit. Walk forward even when you don’t know what will happen.
R- I will hold your hand even when my heart is fearful. I will hold your hand into the dark, as you are my light.
Give to the work of the Kingdom, to saving souls and changing lives. Thank you so much for your continual support.
Breaking out of fear of lack: This journey recently has really challenged me to live like today is my last day. To not worry about tomorrow. There are times money is so tight I worry about the next day and God is just like – use what you have for today and tomorrow I will provide for where you will stay and what you will eat.
It’s literally living without fear of anything. Fear of danger, fear of lack, fear of tomorrow. When we are children, we learn to rely on our parents. It’s a given, we don’t think about it. But when we grow up we are taught to be self-sufficient. We are afraid to ask for help, we think it’s shameful to not be able to be independent. But none of us are meant to be self-sufficient. God wants us to be like children at all times.
God is our father and He will provide all things according to His riches in glory.
So don’t clamp onto what He already gave you. Use it and He will provide more.
Our fear of tomorrow often has us holding onto what needs to be used for today, and we never really step into our purpose or destiny because we are worried about a future that never comes.
I see kids playing at the arcade and I’m reminded how kids rarely have a lot of money but when they run out they ask their parents for more.
God wants us to live like this in perfect faith that he will always provide when we run out.
God doesn’t want us to be self sufficient he wants us to be like children.
As I was writing this I saw a girl dancing in Burger King. Right before I found myself singing to the Burger King songs playing and she started singing too.
I had just moved to another hostel today and was feeling lack because I had $20 NZD left for food that day (and just in general and in total). I was worried about tomorrow and where I would stay. I was thinking about tomorrow but not having the energy for today (as the thoughts of lack was pressing down on me and weighing on my heart, truthfully there are just days I doubt that God will come through for me and my mind goes to worse case scenario).
However, there was a man on the opposite bunk bed that was hiccuping. I asked to pray for him and I said “I see you surfing” and he said “yes I surf, is it because you saw my tattoo?” and he turned his forearm. There was a tattoo of waves. I said “no, I didn’t see that at all”.
After that, I was like….I need to get out of this funk and just use my money in faith. So I decided to go to Burger King and have a meal. I guess God wanted me there to meet these girls.
I felt like I needed to pray for these 3 girls, 14 year old high schoolers.
They had such unjaded confidence, perhaps the type of confidence I once had but am finding again.
I ended up praying for them and telling them my testimony and journey. Truthfully sometimes when I pray for people, I am actually learning more from them than anything. They were all Christians too.
I remember when I was 14. I wanted to change the world and I believed that I could. I had a heart for women, and I wanted to rescue women from human trafficking. I thought that anything was possible.
I am slowly believing that again, but life sometimes have a way of getting you down.
All things are possible with God.
Anything is possible.
Help us to have a hope of a 14 year old.
Dear God- I pray that you will help our hearts to trust you completely, as children. I pray that we will not rely on ourselves, but the heavenly Father who richly provides. I pray that you will rid our hearts of the fear of lack. So often we grow up relying on our parents but when it comes time we move out and we think we have to be self-sufficient.
But God you desire us to be like little children, daily trusting you.
God today we trust you completely. You’ve never let us down. Rid our minds of the fear of the future. Our future is in your hands, not ours. You are our Father and you provide for us. Thank you for loving us. In Jesus name Amen!
When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. -Galatians 5:1
Jesus wasn’t afraid of what others think when He died on the cross for you, naked while people spit on Him, laughed at Him.
Jesus wasn’t afraid of what others think when He defended the prostitute.
Jesus wasn’t afraid of what others think when He put mud in a blind man’s eyes and healed him.
Jesus wasn’t afraid of what others think when He walked away from His friends to spend time with God.
God is challenging me EACH DAY to be bold and to LOVE boldly…whether it’s approaching a couple, total strangers or praying for youngsters who are scared of what people think of them.
Overcoming The Fear of What People Think-
Today I prayed for a few people.
There was a couple and the Lord asked me to pray for them. When I asked to pray for them they said “no it’s okay” and I looked to the wife and she said the same thing.
So I said “The Lord just wants you to know that He hasn’t forgotten you and He will fulfil His promises”.
Then I walked away.
The truth is the Lord is always EXPANDING my courage. I went to the apple store to see if I can afford a phone but they were all above my budget. Then I prayed for the salesperson who helped me. I said “I see you riding a bike and doing twirls”. He said “HM I don’t ride bikes”. I said “step out of your comfort zone and do something you’ve never done before because you are used to routine and like routine but the Lord is with you”.
And he said “wow you are right on the spot”.
There was a lady in Cotton On – I saw Jesus handing her a rose and I said “are you in a season of love?” She said “I just got married!” LOL.
Then at the bus stop I prayed for 2 young girls. I said “I see you laughing and playing”. They laughed “WE LAUGH so much”. But then I said “I saw people scolding you”. They said “YES omg people don’t like us at school”.
I said “keep being yourself and don’t let the haters shade your shine. The Lord made you this way”.
I saw two young man, maybe in high school with skater clothes. I got on the same BUS as them.
ALL OF A SUDDEN HOLY SPIRIT gave me courage and I asked them what their names were. They laughed, they were looking around to see if anyone was watching (fear of men).
I then got up and sat next to one of the guys.
I asked if I could pray for them. Milli said “no but you can pray for him”. So I prayed for Dewey and saw he was skating. I asked if he skated, he said no. I said he will. Then as I was talking to Dewey, Milli said “can you pray for me?” So I did.
I said “I see you drawing”. He said “I do weed, do you?”
I said “I used to” and then we talked about weed. I know. It was real. And then they started to open up more. These young people don’t have good examples or role models.
Dewey even waved back when I waved at him outside the bus. I just felt Jesus within me want to sit with them and not budge. I felt the LOVE of JESUS so strongly to mother/father them. That Jesus DOESN’T BUDGE, even when we are ashamed of Him, even when we are scared to BE SEEN WITH HIM because these boys were looking around scared of what people thought of this crazy lady praying for them.
Give- Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.
Today I watched Dr.Phil talk to a woman who had almost been killed 2 times by her husband. He brought in a woman who had been set on fire by her husband. This woman warned the other woman.
“Do you believe you are worthy?” Dr. Phil said.
Often times we live out what we believe about ourselves and when we don’t grow up with right examples, we live out our inner reality.
The other day I was at a mall and the Lord asked me to pray for a cleaner. After I prayed for her I noticed she had a black eye and asked her about it. She said “bad decisions”. “Is it a guy?” I asked. “yes”. She looked down. I said that if she left the guy the Lord will be with her to provide for her and to help her. That she is NEVER alone.
Then another day I was on a train and started to talk to a woman who was in a relationship with a man who called her names, names that you wouldn’t want anyone to call your daughter or friend. I told her approximately 10 times that she needed to break up with him.
But I understand this all too well. I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and the unworthiness factor made me long for a guy’s attention. This manifested in dating the wrong guys, jerks, or putting myself in situations that were dangerous.
It was only until my ex, and meeting a lot of jerks that I finally said to God “I want nothing but you”.
I stopped dating and suddenly all the jerks, guys disappeared from my life. Even cute guys disappeared from the street. They just didn’t appear at all.
Nothing and no one could have told me to stop, it was my feeling of “I’ve HAD ENOUGH” that caused me to stop wanting unsavory food.
Falling in LOVE with God is a process. We don’t just fall in love with God, we have to make decisions that draw us closer to God. We have to let go of our own agendas, our own choices to allow God near our hearts. God will not break down your wall, you have to let Him in.
I’ve been single for 5 years. I’ve liked or been attracted to guys in the middle but essentially I said to God “you and you alone until you bring me my husband”.
This means crying to God when I feel alone, this means relying on God when money is dry, this means relying on God for protection on the road, this means telling Him my inner fears and rants.
Sanctification is a process. I’m not perfect, far from it. I’m weak but God is strong for me.
I wish I knew my worth back then but everything I’ve gone through taught me how to value myself. I am glad that God protected me enough that I didn’t get hurt to the extent that most people do. One thing I committed to myself was that I was going to save myself for marriage. I still did things that compromised my worth but never again.
When you’ve been through enough you’ll know when it’s time to turn to God alone. God is a better man than anyone will ever be for you. He will take care of you and your needs. He is attentive and He listens when others don’t.
He will ease all your fears and He is reliable, He is trustworthy.
He is a good father, a good husband, a good friend.
“I love you. I will never leave nor forsake you. I am a good husband. I will take care of you. I will not cheat on you. I will hold your hand through the thick and thin. I will hold your heart in the palm of my hands and I will never let go. I am attentive to your needs and desires, I will not forsake you. I promise you this”- God
For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.
The perfect husband is Jesus.
Give- Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.
If you were reading my life story, you’d be like wow. This is what happened on my 31st birthday.
A few days ago, I was sitting at a food court and I prayed for a mom and son. I did not know how significant the prophetic vision for the son was until the mom shared about it in small group.
Well, how did I end up in the small group?
I was in Perth and I knew they lived there but I didn’t feel like I was supposed to contact her yet. 4 days in a hostel, the woman contacted me via facebook and told me they were having small group at her house and that I could stay with her. I had a whole week booked at the hostel, but only had 2 more days left.
I made a quick decision while sitting alone on my birthday. I thought to myself “what the heck am I doing, of course I want to be with other Christians on my birthday, of course I want a birthday cake”.
I think I was hesitant because I was afraid of what to expect.
I had gone through years of being misunderstood by other Christians and on this trip, God had restored my hope in Christian friendships. I had met a lot of religious spirited Christians before and even on this trip. Before knowing my heart, they judged and rejected me. It was hurtful. They judged the form and not the love.
But God was slowly rebuilding my hope and faith in the church (the body of Christ).
First he restored some old relationships, people who used to be conservative, but now understood the holy spirit.
Then he sent me to my spiritual land (South Africa) where I was celebrated by other brothers and sisters. I was honored, not disgrace.
Then through fundraising, He showed me that people believed in what God was doing through me and that I shouldn’t give up.
He is teaching me to be fearless.
He said this to me –
“It doesn’t matter what people think of you, because whatever accusations they throw at you- they are lies. You are righteous in my eyes and you have a heart of David. Not everyone will understand the anointing you carry or the path you are pioneering, but look to me. I am your covering, no one else. I am enough for you. I am your strong hand, I am your protector and your provider, I am with you always”.
I mentioned some of the accusations people threw at me while following Jesus, I now realize I can throw them away for good and not let them bother me anymore. It’s crazy how powerful words are. It sticks with you for years and prevents you from seeing new relationships right.
Because God is doing a new thing and we can no longer let our perspective be tainted by the past.
No more woundedness, walking out into the light.
I am crying thinking about all the pain I felt from being rejected and misunderstood for so long while clinging onto Jesus and following a path that was unpioneered. When you finally meet people who have been through it or people who admire you instead of judge you, it’s like a really bad wrong that has been righted by God.
There is no one like Jesus.
I promise you that even though some people reject you, you are walking into a season where you will be celebrated- but you must be willing to expose your heart again.
The fear of rejection and judgement is real. But God wants us to be so firm in our identity that we will not waver but be brave, be bold and go forth to conquer the land that is ours.
It doesn’t matter who thinks what about you, the only thought that matters is God’s and His thoughts are love towards you.
You are worthy. You are worthy in God’s eyes. My love is real for you says the Lord. My heart burns for you. I died on the cross for you, I was thinking of you says the Lord.
Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you.
Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.
A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia
I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.
There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.
Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.
“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.
I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.
As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.
This is living with an open heart.
God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.
Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.
The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out.
After a few days, you have to cry.
Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb.
Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.
I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.
There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.
But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.
I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.
More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.
And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.
Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.
This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust.
But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.
Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.
Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.
Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.