The Benefits of Healing The Mother Daughter Relationship – It Will Change Your Life and Relationships

I woke up early this morning with revelation of my new and improved relationship with my mother. It has been a year or so since I moved back and lived with my mother. My relationship with my mother used to be toxic and full of tension, I felt unworthy of love and strove to win of approval most of my life.

But I know God is real when I tell you this- my relationship with her has dramatically improved. What changed? I allowed myself to be vulnerable. It started last year and it was a difficult journey of letting my guard down. I basically told her how I had been hurt and harmed by her words. I also humbled myself enough to say “sorry” when I lashed out. Moving back with her was also an action of humility, an act of “I do need your help and I do want to be in your life”.

Until then, I moved out after college and never wanted to live with her again. Our relationship was so toxic that every time we disagreed on something I just felt put down, unworthy and “not enough”. I felt like I needed to achieve the great career, the successful appearance in order for her to love me or approve of me. 

And thank God I didn’t. I basically failed epically in the world’s eyes.

It was God’s saving grace. When I felt God leading me to sell everything and follow Him, I wasn’t reliant on my own power, talents, will, ability anymore…I would go wherever He led even if that meant letting me ego go and allowing myself to seem “powerless, weak”. And yes, I went through the seasons of accusations…accusations and comparisons. And Yes, I battled the lies of “not being enough”…but now I feel stronger than ever in my identity.

I actually understand what a truly healthy mother and daughter relationship is supposed to feel like. You shouldn’t constantly feel like you have to prove yourself….a healthy relationship is one in which you actually enjoy each others’ company. You shouldn’t have constantly prove your worth through a big paycheck or a title.

And then this revelation hit me.

I was looking back on all my friendships and analyzing why I felt the way I did about each one. A lot of my friends are Asian females and they seem to also have tense relationships with their mothers where they feel like they are constantly trying to prove themselves to their mothers as well. 

What does that equate to?

They consequently (and I’ve walked the same path here) feel like they have to prove themselves to their female friends. 

It also makes sense why I had to cut out certain female friends from my life because in a weird and strange way, they were putting the responsibilities of their birth mothers over me as if I needed to approve of them, help them, love them the way their mothers never did. 

Because I grew up with a single mother, it was more than natural for me to take on these responsibilities that weren’t mine to bear….in fact I was used to bearing the emotional burdens in the home. So in fact, I never really had a childhood.

Until recently, until these 2 years where I learned to be a child, a daughter, worthy of love. And in these 2 years I’ve learned to receive.

I cannot remember one time where I actually received allowance of money from my mother. Since 3rd grade, and even younger, I was making my own money by selling toys. I just wanted to help out at home but didn’t realize this pattern would overtake my consciousness. I hated seeing my mom struggle but in this way, I took on the responsibility of a parent. I parented myself. I provided for myself. 

I took on responsibilities that were not mine.

Eventually I started attracting people that also had holes in their hearts. People who were codependent, people who had a mother or father wound, people who wanted to blame someone for their problems, people who weren’t heard by anyone and consequently couldn’t STOP talking and didn’t understand social cues.

I attracted people who needed a mother or father.

But now I know, it’s not my responsibility to mother or father anyone. That is God’s job. I can definitely guide and help them and show them the way to God of course….but it’s not my responsibility to be their mother or father.

With this new revelation, I am seeing my friendships and relationships in a new way. I finally understand why some relationships didn’t work out in the past, why I had to cut some people out.

I remember one relationship where this woman was trying to speak into my life as if she was my mother and I said “I already have a mother, I don’t need another one”. It was strange because I really spoke from the truth in my heart. Why was she trying to be my mother? She also grew up in a single mother home and bore peoples’ burdens….people who grow up in single parent homes often feel like they are not enough and need to take on peoples’ burdens as they took on their parents’ burdens.

As a result of that….people often enter codependent friendships, romantic relationships, mentor relationships and sometimes they become destructive, unhealthy, manipulative, controlling….people seeking validation from others that they never received from their parents. 

Unhealthy boundaries are crossed when people don’t know what boundaries look like with their own parents….we then allow the wrong people into our lives or we allow the wrong people to speak into our lives….we form marriages or relationships that are based on seeking approval and acceptance….we form friendships that reflect our inner dialogue of “I’m not enough because my parents never approved of me” and it makes us feel even worse.

But on this journey I have seen a huge change in my life.

I no longer allow the wrong people into my life. I know and can sense manipulation. I understand what love is supposed to look like, it’s not a trade, it’s not a business transaction. I shouldn’t have to prove myself, I know that if I love someone, I can enjoy their company without thinking “what can I get from them”.

I know when to say no because my yes isn’t going to make them love me more. And if they love you more because of your yes than maybe it’s not a real friendship.

Peoples’ love for you shouldn’t be based on your YES to their request. 

I hope you have benefited from reading this and if you have please share this life changing post to your social media, facebook, instagram, email. Share the love so that our world can be more conscious and less blaming.

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You Have A Clean Slate for 2017

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In 2016 I was healed of FOMO (fear of missing out). 

I had probably read too many travel blogs and was hoping my 2016 would be non-stop traveling and well, it wasn’t. In fact, I rested, wrote and painted a lot. I actually stayed in LA for a consecutive 3 months. Yes I did fly to Paris to film a travel show, Morocco to backpack, and then to the Philippines for another show…but when I came back from Cebu in June, the most out of state traveling I did was a cruise to Mexico.

Also the last few years, I happened to be traveling during the holidays. On my birthday 2 years ago, I traveled to Catalina Island and spent a few days alone.

Instead of the “hoo-haa I want to party and dance”, I did not feel that way this year. I was okay staying in and watching Netflix. I was comfortable with the peace of just being with God. Peace was something I attained more of in 2016 and I realized it was better than the crazy drunkenness that comes with partying.

Peace was better than dating guys that messed up my peacequilibrium.

Peace was better than forcing myself to attend family events where I would be attacked verbally.

Peace was better than spending time with people who were constantly striving because they don’t know their worth.

Peace was better than the struggle of speeding into other peoples’ lanes because of jealousy. You see, there are dreams that people have that are not YOURS. Know your vision, know your dreams, know what you want and don’t go hopping into other peoples’ lanes because you have a minute of jealousy.

Shut off your phone, laptop. Unplug for a minute. Sync with God. You are enough, here and now….not when you achieve something else, when you attain something more, or when you meet the right person…you are enough now.

Stay in your lane, focus on your life. Don’t go “but they’re doing this or that….”.

I learned that if it is God, it feels peaceful. I learned that if it was the right way to go, it is peace. Yes, new paths might be scary, but deep down there exists a tremble of excitement. A scary excitement. 2017 will bring new levels of promotion, love and joy.

I see your past wiped out, you have a clean slate for a new life. Forgive yourself. Let the past go. Let’s move forward together. Are you in? 

Don’t Let ”What Is” Prevent You From Going After ”What Will be”

dont-let-what-you-fear-losing-prevent-you-from-going-after-what-you-wantI woke up with this phrase in my spirit- “Don’t let what you fear losing prevent you from going after what you want”.

Life is full of change. In fact, life is progress and without it, we are not truly living. We go from being a baby to a kid to being a teenager to an adult. Our teeth grows, our hair grows, etc. But sometimes we need to let go of what is, what was to go after what will be or what we want to be. We need to pull a few wisdom teeth out, we need to cut our hair, get a trim, we need to chop those highlights because they start to fade.

I have been feeling a weirdness in my heart. It’s like my heart wants to progress but there is also a fear that I can’t handle the new season….that I’m not good enough, that I’m not truly ready for it. I am reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

When we reach a new territory, it takes our hearts some time to adjust. WE struggle with letting go of “WHAT WAS” and eventually “what is” so that we can keep moving forward. 

You may be in a “good” relationship, but you are not growing with your boyfriend/girlfriend, in fact, you feel stagnant and most of the time you are pulling him/her up to your level of spirituality or intellect. People are proud of your relationship, but deep down you know there has to be something more but you are afraid of letting go of what is. 

You may have lost everything once, twice, three times and you have finally rebuilt yourself, but you are not doing what you love…you want to go ALL IN on your passions but you are afraid that you will lose everything again. Trust that your heart is worth investing everything for because authenticity and returning to WHO YOU REALLY ARE will bring joy back to your heart, even through pain.

You may have good friends but they are not supportive of your dreams because they don’t have the courage to do what it takes for their dreams. You fear losing them, you remember all the good times you had, but you know you have to choose yourself. New levels of friendship will arrive when you take that first step to go into your next level. 

Today’s post reads like a fortune cookie, but I believe these are prophecies and specific words God has released into my heart.

“Don’t let what you fear losing prevent you from going after what you want”.

What do you want and what are you afraid of losing? You are enough.

I Found My Identity In The Wilderness

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Finding our identity is probably one of live’s biggest struggle.

Ignoring other people’s opinions about who you are or who you should be and what you should do is another. It is never about what they think about you, but what you think about yourself. 

For a long time I didn’t really know who I was, I knew I had big dreams and I had visions of what my life would look like, but since every dream takes time…people simply saw my process. When people don’t see results, they start judging you big time. Even though you have only been on this earth for less than 30 years, for some reason they want you to be Richard Branson already. And perhaps it was my mistake to tell people, I basically was so full of passion that I told everyone. And then people started mocking me. 

And then I hid. 

Not in a cave, but something like one. I departed from people, cut ties with people who didn’t truly understand. I kept a few close friend and I am truly grateful for them because they have seen my journey. I believe that this season is essential. This season I call the wilderness season requires introspection and sometimes seasonal solitude. 

In the wilderness season God helped me weed out the lies…the lies of not being enough, lies that I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to prove myself….lies that I must hide myself to honor those around me (that didn’t know themselves).

It’s dishonoring to yourself to hide your light, it’s dishonoring to the creator who created you.  You are way too brilliant to be hid, you are way too beautiful to not be admired. 

But at the end of the day, you must see yourself right first. You must see your own beauty, your own brilliance, your own talent, your own genius. You must be so confident that even if others belittle you, you can defend yourself in confidence, or in confidence walk away. And oh, forgive them and not live with a false success revenge mentality (which is when you are offended and try to succeed to prove people wrong rather than doing it out of pure joy and love).

I often hear “do not engage, this is a low mentality warfare” sometimes when I hear negative remarks. I know it is their ego speaking, so I must be wise not to get distracted in low level spiritual warfare. There are so many tactics the enemy uses.

Gossip is one of the ways I’ve learned self-control. Today someone mentioned someone who was told something about someone. They were demeaning them, judging their decisions in life. I listened and then I said “we don’t know them, we don’t even talk to them, why are we judging them? And also we’ve made mistakes in our lives too, everyone has their battles”. I know that I have been there too, mistakes, failures, I am not one to judge. 

In a way, the wilderness season humbles you. It prepares you to be the great person you are, to confront giants that belittle you, tell you you’re not enough. The wilderness season prepares you to enter battles in your work, with companies, with consultants, with kings, queens, presidents. 

Interesting. What did they say about me? Well, I hope one day they know how brilliant they are too. Because I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, loved and accepted for who I am now.

Celebrate Ordinary Moments

Our lives are filled with ordinary and sometimes seemingly insignificant moments. 

We wait, for the big woohoo moments. Like when we meet our prince charming, when we get the big break, when we finally pay off our debt, when we have great sex, when become the lead actress in a movie, when we get the pay raise we know we deserve, etc….but most of our lives are just ordinary moments, or so we think. 

As I was sitting there eating french fries, I saw inked on the wall “no drinking on premises”, I found it charming. It was on the wall of a liquor store. I was eating quietly next to a retired old grandma who was wearing all orange, pants and shirt eating pastrami sandwich; a pumpkin on her shirt. I would say something like “did you know there is a great movie theater with deals on tuesday and sundays?” and we would converse. Then we would eat quietly again.

It’s ordinary, seemingly trivial moments like those that warm my heart. And of course being surrounded by the magnificent sky that remind me of how miraculous life is everyday. 

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You see…I walk everywhere. Otherwise I take public transportation.

My life was not always like this.

I was the fast paced career women who was total TYPE A. I was high strung, overly passionate about things that no one seemed to care about. I learned to slow down when the stress started killing my heart and health, and just all of who I was. I had to slow down.

After a year without a sim card and a car, I have really learned to be in the moment, present. 

I’ve made friends with dogs that are neglected by owners. There is this one dog that is tied to a pole fenced inside, everyday. He/she barks wildly at me when I walk in the alleys, I say hi to him/her through the little cracks of the white fence. I’ve decided his or her name is Danny.

I appreciate the sunset. I appreciate the skies that paint God’s love to me. Everyday I am in awe of the clouds, the sun that marks it’s joy in the blue skies.

Sometimes I see cars zoom wildly to their destinations. And I wonder, “what if they got there faster. Would it make a difference, would they feel more fulfilled, happier?” I see people showing off their new purchases and yet frustrated that they don’t have more.

It’s seemingly ordinary moments when we put down our own agendas and introduce ourselves to a stranger sitting next to us that we find the moments profound and beautiful. At first, I wanted to go straight home after buying my bottle of wine and fries, but something said “slow down”. There is beauty in slowing down.

When was the last time you truly slowed down and saw all the beauty around you? 

There are people around you that want to be loved by you, and people that want to love you.

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I’m adding this book review:

Falling Free, Rescued from the Life I Always Wanted- Shannan Martin

The title really struck me, the truth is everything Shannan talked about reflected my own experience of falling free….free of what we think we want. Her narrative is important in our cookie cutter society or perhaps religious institutions that want us to fit into everyone else’s idea of what we should want. I found the book refreshing and read every word to the end. The only thing I did not like in the beginning was perhaps her language, it was a little hard to understand. I’m used to conversational language and it was a bit flowery for my own taste, but nonetheless it was an excellent book. I give it a 4 out of 5.

This book was given to me in exchange for an honest review. 

 

Here and Now, The Life of Non-Resistance

-You have everything you need to be the person you need to be now-

If love is not fear, has no part in it, and vice versa, then it makes sense that when we try to control the outcome, the process of life, loved ones or even what we desire, we will not attain it or have true peace (even if we attain it to our liking).

Why? Because control comes from a fear that if you did not have it or attained it, whether it is a person, thing or goal, you wouldn’t be whole.

So then, what is true happiness?

Contentment, becoming, being. 

In knowing your position as a daughter or the son of God, we are whole in all. Royalty.

So that our acquiring, achieving, creativity only comes from a pure place of knowing who we are as royalty, and not from a place of needing the world’s approval. 

That is why people are often disappointed because they are waiting for proof of their royalty when in actuality a queen or king has no need of proof, they are, within, knowing who they are.

I wrote this in my notebook a few nights ago.

The more I release the ego- the desire to fight the flow of life, the more I am reaching deep spiritual breakthroughs, and often in my dreams. Yesterday I dreamed that I was driving a large truck and it was broken so that each time you tried to brake, it would halt only a little. The end of the truck kept hitting things.

Finally, I folded the truck (in the dream it was foldable) into the size of a piece of paper and laid it on the chair along with the keys. I gave it to the strangers around me.

The driving experience was the same as the one I had when I was in Bali. I got into a moped accident when in my excitement to discover the island like the author of Eat, Pray, Love, forgotten that Bali was a crazy island with lots of cars and mopeds.

A few times in my inexperienced state and fear, I pulled on the gas instead of the brake, one time going right in front of oncoming car, missing it by a bit. I ended up in an accident with the moped crushing my feet. I sat in my hotel room for 5 days, then another week recovering at another hostel. There was a clinic right across, it felt like a huge loss both to my wallet and to my ego. I was not able to experience Bali the way I wanted to and my feet was bloody with deep wounds.

My feet and legs are still sore 9 months after. That was December 2015.

I remember my friend said “God is guiding you, teaching you which steps to hop into like hopscotch”. 

The truth is sometimes I get ahead of God. I supposedly didn’t really crawl when I was baby, I just kept attempting to walk and I fell often. Later on as a kid, I fell a lot because I guess my legs weren’t properly prepped. I’m learning to rest.

I have always been different, in school, in the world. 

Instead of accepting the gift of being a breed of my own, I often tried to “catch up”. A lot of people my age are married, have kids, have a normal career, but I don’t have the status quo life. I often live in solitude and prefer writing. I don’t go out to party as much as I used to. I don’t have a lot of close friends, but I love the ones I do have.

In fact, I have learned to love my need for solitude and my time to be with God completely. It is strange I know, because I don’t really care to be popular or to hang out with people I don’t have any interest in. I’m not on any dating sites now, and I prefer not to date. I know in due time when the universe is ready, I will be aligned for my life partner.

So now I’m learning what it means to live a non-resistant life.

That means I don’t do things that cause havoc to my spirit, I listen to my spirit…if something seems too complicated and trying (such as planning things like meeting with a friend), I refuse it. So naturally I respond better to things that are spontaneous as I do not have to plan.

I don’t do things to further my career or status in life, because I believe I am always at the right place at the right time and I am in “further”, I am now, here, so there’s no means to an end, I am the end. God is the end and I am one with God. There is less striving, more being. 

The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me besides quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever- Psalm 23

Accept that you are enough, here and now for the journey you are on.

God-employed

My conversations with God are often in moments of frustration, probably because I have been practicing patience all my life. I am like a jack in the box that has been kept in the box for too long.

But even then I know God is strengthening me for the path ahead. A lot of people have asked me about my “self employed lifestyle”. Honestly I am not self employed, I am God employed.

I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE HOW I COULD HAVE SURVIVED WITH MY Sanity attached all these years without God.

Because entrepreneurship was more about just learning to converse with God and to build this trust relationship with Him.

Entrepreneurship divorced from God is like unimaginable to me.

Only last year did I basically let go of full control and let God take over, up until then I was still asking God to bless my plans. I thought that in order to do good in the world, I had to first be like Tony Robbins. Little did I realize that things spark fire in brokenness. In our inability, God does what humans cant.

I call this grace.

So yes I managed to survive and sometimes thrive, but it was when God told me to sell everything and follow Him that I totally let go of my fear of not having enough, not being enough, not trusting him basically to take care of me.

I let go of my apartment, I let go of my new car that was leased, I let go of my credit (it plummetted), I let go of the lifestyle I was trying to sustain, when in actuality it was a huge facade of the shit that was inside my heart.

I was so tired.

I had lost friends. Family had spewed accusations at me, I had just gotten out of a codependent, unhealthy relationship where I felt like I completely lost myself.

When I lost everything I actually found myself.

I found my sweet authentic self at the core of my tears and brokenness.

So began my rebuilding of my dreams, my heart.

It was at that moment that I felt I would do anything for what I really wanted out of life, even if I had no food or shelter. I SAID God anywhere, anything, I am willing.

That is when grace filled in the gap. GOD CAME.

I got opportunities to be on 3 tv shows within a year. I stayed with my friend for a few months, ended up booking a one way ticket to Thailand.

I traveled with the spirit, not knowing where I would go next. How?

Everyone asks how. But few actually believe. You cannot do great things without first stepping out in faith. God just showed up in so many ways, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through divine encounters.

What has this year been about for me?

1. Learning to stay in faith when hardships come

2. Restoring and reconciling my relationship with my mother. When I was living alone, I had a huge motivation to prove her wrong. My family basically thought I had gone rogue and was screwing up my life by following my dreams. I remember going to Europe for 2 months and actually blocking her number because I needed space.

As an asian dsughter, I had to really speak up for myself. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY. I think it was at that moment when I was crying my eyes out because she wasnt happy for me when I told her I got this huge opporunity…..that I realize, yes she loves me, but when will I stop living for her approval??

Many of us are waiting for someone to be proud of us, to tell us, you are enough……but God showed me, I am enough for Him.

3. Breaking out of the world’s system of success

4. Living in freedom

Xoxo Rebekka