It’s Meant To Be Impossible For You, it’s ONLY POSSIBLE WITH GOD.

Hey everyone,

This season has been super heavy with expectation and birthing.

I woke up from a dream where I moved to a new house, but it was in New York, it was cold….I took a picture and when I did I noticed a man dressed like Santa Clause who was sitting camouflaged to the environment. He was just chilling. In the dream, I walked into the new house that had nothing in it and I wondered how my mom bought it with no money.

When I woke up, I felt the Lord speaking to me:

“It’s MEANT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU but POSSIBLE FOR GOD”.

THERE ARE MAJOR DECISIONS, PROMISES BEING MANIFESTED IN THIS HOUR that HAS GOTTEN YOU FEELING WEARY AND TIRED….but it’s BECAUSE many of us are trying to make it happen with our own human strivings, flesh, strategies. 

“So he said to me, ‘This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.” Zechariah 4:6 

“I NEED YOU TO COME TO THE END OF YOURSELF SO THAT YOU WOULD RELY ON ME ALONE FOR THE finances, the resources, the people, the way, the strategy. STOP LOOKING AT WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE (the talent, the skill, the opportunities, the money, the friends)- LOOK AT WHO I AM, someone who gives freely and can DO ALL THINGS FOR YOU”. 

I will be glorified through your testimony of HOW I’ll part the seas for you. 

Watch this video and share this post/video with your friends:

 

Advertisements

The Fire of Refinement

pexels-photo-932253

This morning I confronted someone about the way she was talking to me.

I said it hurts me and makes me feel like she doesn’t love me. Basically when someone is mean to me, I cope by being positive and trying to recite truth and all that.

But I felt like God was saying “I want the real you, I want you to feel the emotions and not ignore them or try to be positive”. Stand up and fight this battle. 

And then I burst out crying.

It was like emotional hell, my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I was being verbally abused but I had just become numb…since it’s my mom, I thought “I just have to deal with it”.

As you know, in many Asian families emotions like sadness are a sign of weakness. We do not talk about vulnerable things like “it hurts me when you say this”.

Instead, anger is okay for some reason. Like you can be sad and just show it by yelling. Like it doesn’t make sense at all.

Then she replied “do you have depression or something?”

I turned my head and rolled my eyes….this is retarded.

At least I did my part. No apologies from her end. But it’s okay, I don’t feel like I’m dying anymore. 

I don’t feel like my heart is swallowing itself anymore. 

It’s easy to exit, escape and walk away. It’s easy to move and just not talk to that person, but I feel like in this season God wants us to face those emotional battles. 

A lot of people end up alone in life because they don’t want to face the hard emotional battles that come with love.

Love is NOT easy. 

Love is well, longsuffering. Love is patient, love is kind, love is….well 1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 This season God is refining me…and perhaps you.
  1. the process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.
    IF God is love then HE IS making me MORE LIKE HIM. God is removing anything in me that is not love. This means, I must also confront the people and things in my life that is NOT treating me with love. And I must Forgive.
    Because Forgiveness will loosen my heart from the grips of the devil. 
    Love and forgiveness are fierce. They are the evidence of Christ in someone’s life. Someone who is able to forgive when they have been fiercely wronged….that is not weakness, that is FIERCE. 

    Jesus loves me with a fierce love and He is teaching me how to be this fierce love. How do I continue to love someone who constantly hurts me?

Forgiveness.

And sometimes space to recuperate and cry. And boundaries.

I pray God will give you the wisdom and strength to love, confront, to overcome hurt in your relationships.

It’s Time To Leap

God is breaking off disappointments that are preventing you from believing the best is to come.

As you can see I mention that I was very hurt and bruised from rejection and accusations from people. God had me in hiding for awhile as I healed from those deep wounds, this is often called the wilderness season. 

REJECTION, HURT AND DISAPPOINTMENT often causes you TO SECOND GUESS YOURSELF….like “maybe I shouldn’t have drank milk tea today” (aka me today because I totally got heart palpitations and I’ve quit caffeine for a year now) or “maybe I shouldn’t have wasted 2 years of my life with my ex-boyfriend” (aka many people I know, plus me)….BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE EXPERIENCE WE HAVE teaches us WHAT WE WANT and DON’T WANT. 

None of our experiences are wasted. Even when we keep going back to our old ways, we will eventually see we don’t want the old thing. God is gentle enough to guide us in our stubbornness.

You haven’t got what you want because you keep saying YES to the old thing. It’s time to say no to what we don’t want so we can say yes to what we truly want. 

That is why God is breaking off cycles that keep us in bondage.

That’s besides the point.

The point is NOW IS THE TIME TO LEAP, TO REALIZE IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT that you got hurt. Life hurts sometimes, but since none of us are perfect, we tend to hurt each other, sometimes unintentionally. 

And also in whatever state of wisdom we were in, we tend to make decisions based on what we know.

And that’s just that, where we were back then. 

But now, you don’t have to second guess yourself anymore.

God has your back, and even if you get hurt again, isn’t that part of life, to feel both pain and joy? 

God doesn’t want us to live in a box, safely….God wants us to be able to dig into life with our whole heart. 

As SPONTANEOUS as my life seems, I’m actually a very orderly person. I like to sleep between the hours of 10pm-11pm. I do NOT like to stay up late and I do not like alarms. I wake up naturally.

But in this season I wonder why I need to reserve my energy so much? Was it fear that had me sleeping so on time all the time? Fear that I wouldn’t have enough energy? Fear that I wouldn’t be enough?

In Christ all things are possible.

We don’t have to play it safe anymore. We can dig into life and know that Jesus is sufficient for us, that we don’t need to have some kind of “savings account for our heart”. 

Life, energy, provision, joy, hope, health never runs out in Jesus.

We can be sure to lean on God and know that He will supply where we lack, because He already paid for our insufficiency. In His eyes, your account has an over payment, forever and forevermore. 

Don’t be afraid to step out and take the leap, to make “mistakes” because in God’s eyes there are no mistakes, only steps into more miracles.

Prayers (say out loud): 

  1. Forgiveness towards self– “Dear God, today I forgive myself for allowing myself to get hurt. It wasn’t my intention and it traumatized me so much I was not able to move forward. Please break off any disappointments in my heart and remind me that You are a good God, that what you have for me is the best and that you will never leave nor forsake me. Thank you for forgiving me first so I can forgive myself. In Jesus name Amen.”
  2. Prayer of Courage– “Dear God, thank you for releasing me from the past. Today I release anything that isn’t for my highest good, this includes disappointment, bitterness, offense, anger, hurt, people who I know I don’t want to associate with anymore, etc. I break off the spirit of foreboding and pray that you plant in my heart a new joy, a new song, a new hope. I now boldly walk forward because I know you are with me. I am enough in Christ Jesus. In Jesus name, amen.”
    It's Time To Leap.

A Queen/King Honors Her Emotions & Boundaries

art-carving-close-up-189528

One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.

I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.

She belittled the hurt.

And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed. 

I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.

I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.

After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.

It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.

During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.

But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.

That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.

“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”. 

When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.

I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets. 

I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions. 

Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.

I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.

I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.

But kids are rarely taught boundaries.

I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.

I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.

But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday. 

I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.

I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live. 

I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay. 

We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.

People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving. 

But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me. 

It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.

A queen seated on high.

 

A Blog Post For Children of Divorce

Divorce is awful to the people who divorce, but even worse for the children.

We are the invisible children who often suffer in darkness. 

But Asian culture makes it about invalidating the pain…”you should be grateful you know, that you weren’t abandoned, that a parent even took care of you” (like we are burdens instead of gifts in this world). These are the words you hear when you grow up in an Asian household. You are also taught to pretend like nothing is wrong. You are taught to hold your breathe and put on a mask. 

Because it is shameful, divorce. 

So there are seasons of my life where I feel pangs in my heart that I can’t explain, that I can’t pray away. It’s God healing the layers of pain that can’t be explained with words….it’s suffering in injustice and peeling off the hidden layers of protection, it’s trying not to drown and holding onto the cross, it’s looking up from under the ocean, every time God heals me…slowly swimming closer to the surface where I can finally breathe and laugh again.

It’s God unlocking chains that have held me down too deep, too many contracts and agreements that I didn’t agree to, that I was born into.

I didn’t agree to this. I break it off, I break off every lie that I was born into.

I break off every pain that tore through my heart, I break off the shame and the guilt that wasn’t mine.

It’s not your fault you know, if you were a child of divorce. You were a child who needed protection, not the other way around. You couldn’t possibly shield your parents from pain, you couldn’t have stopped the move, you couldn’t have because you were a child who needed protection.

So don’t feel guilty for not having done more. Even now it’s not your fault. You were a helpless child. 

Children of divorce often grow up with too much on their plates and they often continue to take on more than they can handle, sacrificing their own happiness to make others happy. Because I’ve caused enough hardships. I was a burden on her or him. My very life is a mistake. 

You are not a mistake, you are a gift from God. You were born into a tragic story but you were born as a brilliant idea of God, you are a gift and you are gifted.

No wonder some people live in rejection even until they are gray and old.

“No one will ever love me”- says he or she…”I’m not worthy of love”.

I wish I could tell you that this world is perfect, but it’s not. We are born into an imperfect world that needs redemption.

God is redeeming me everyday. Some seasons are heavier where I am faced with the wounds in my heart caused by thousands of stabbing.

There are layers and layers of protection and false bandages that children of divorce use. There are guilt trips and false shame.

Some of us live normal lives not recognizing or accepting that we have been wounded. These unrecognized wounds become unhealthy and destructive patterns in our lives. Sometimes we drown it with addictions like alcohol, sometimes we drown it by working hard and making money (and we are applauded for that, society looks up to that), sometimes we drown it with relationships and codependent friendships, sometimes we drown it by constantly being alone or constantly being with people.

It’s not about you, parents. This post is not about you. This post is about us children. We get to have a space to be ourselves, we are not guilt tripping you.

We get to have feelings, we get to have emotions. We are human, we are not an accessory to your lives. We were not born to be cute or helpful. We were born for God and FROM GOD. We were not born to satisfy or a fulfill a life you didn’t live, we were not born to be your source of love. We were born for God and from God. 

The responsibility to take care of wounded parents seem to last a life time, but it’s not supposed to. Children of divorce are not supposed to feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.

We are supposed to move on into healthy relationships and have healthy opinions of ourselves. 

But many of us still live under shame and guilt. We feel guilty for being born, we feel guilty for creating a mess, even though it’s not our mess. We feel guilty for being a burden. 

So God set us free.

Set us free from the lie that we are not enough.

Set us free from the lie that we are a burden and not a gift.

Set us free from shame. Set us free from feelings of unworthiness.

Set us free from the lie that we will never be happy and that we don’t deserve to be happy.

I have carried burdens that aren’t mine for too long and I need healing too. This is a space I get to be honest and myself. This is a space I get to be loved. Some people tell me “it seems like you are blaming your parents” or I hear “you shouldn’t write about it” ….but is silence better? Is it better to live in a world where everyone just pretends to be fine and dandy?

Why don’t we get to have feelings? 

If I don’t write about it, who will. Who will break the silence?

Who will shine light on the invisible children? Who will remember the forgotten ones? The children who grow up into adults but still live as rejects.

Most people will not see it, but God sees and He cares. He cares for every wound in your heart, He cares about every tear that you cry. He wants to set you free.

A prayer of release (read this out loud)- Dear God, from today on I break off any lies and contracts that were made on my soul and spirit the day I was born. I was born into imperfection and sin, but Jesus died on the cross for me to be righteous in your eyes. I am enough. I am loved by you. I am not a reject. I break off any responsibilities that are NOT mine.

From today on, I am a free person, I get to live my own life. I am not tied to my parents’ divorce, I am not a child of divorce any longer. I am a child of God. Now you are my parent, you take care of me, you protect me, you guide me. You have always been there for me, even when I felt like an orphan. I now remember that I am royalty, I was born to reign and not to suffer in silence. 

I forgive my parents and I forgive myself for carrying burdens that aren’t mine.

I am a free person! There is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Jesus, in Jesus name Amen.

Every Upgrade Requires A Cost

iphone-x-gallery1-2017

I know this WORD is from God because I could NOT have thought of it myself.

Every upgrade in your life REQUIRES A COST. Take Iphones for example, every upgrade requires a higher cost. The Iphone X is $999  and “that’s just the entry-level iPhone X at 64GB. The 256GB model that everyone wants is $150 on top of that price” (techradar.com). The Iphone 8 plus is how much? $699 to $949.

Maybe 10 years ago we would have thought that’s an absurd price for a single phone. But we buy it now because we believe it is WORTH it’s value. It has functions that sync a phone with a waterproof camera, a planner, internet, mp3, etc….unlike in the past when everything was separate….

Every new IPHONE has to have ADDED or better features or else we wouldn’t be spending more to buy it if there was no DIFFERENCE from the previous one.

Some people have the newest Iphone but have failed to learned all the new functions that go with the phone so they’re still using it like it’s a flip phone…..but God does not allow that to happen….unless you want to, because it usually results in destruction.

For example – Having too much power in media or politics before you have the character or wisdom to be in that place. What usually takes place is a downfall or an attack from the public to build your character.

SO HERE is the lesson. Every upgrade requires a COST. 

When you are upgrading to another LEVEL in your life, everything NEEDS TO SYNC with it. 

You need to walk THROUGH fear into faith and that’s HARD. I know because every time I go through a transition, I SEE nothing, or very little evidence of upgrade….but I have to WALK through the feelings of being petrified into “GOD I believe, help my unbelief”.

Faith without doubt is not faith at all because faith requires us to walk even when we don’t see.

This comes with lots of “omg I’m so scared and I can’t do this, I feel like I’m not good enough” and nights (recently) where I’m facing my insecurities, I’m feeling fear on me, I’m feeling body aches…

But then God reminds me to USE my authority to CAST out the fear. Back then I may have just allowed the fear to stay in my body, but now I’ve learned to cast it out. I’m going to the next level in my faith. It’s hard, every time.

My Iphone 6 was stolen when I was in the Philippines. I was at the mall when someone pushed against me in line and my phone was gone.

The devil thought he could STEAL my phone, but he could NOT STEAL my identity. After that I used a tablet for a year or so when someone gave me his old phone. 

Because I no longer needed the latest phone to prove my NEWEST and latest identity.

My identity is waterproof, bullet proof, and it has all features. I’m spirit filled and death proof. If someone shot me today I’m going to heaven and seeing Jesus. If someone accuses me, I know God will protect me and I know I am enough in Christ. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t battle the FEELINGS of insecurity, but it’s just a feeling, it’s not the truth. 

When you upgrade into the NEXT you, what COST is required- 

  1. A decision to BELIEVE in the impossible, a DECISION to BELIEVE what is true about you and God. You will have to cast aside FALSE beliefs about who you are and what you can do.
  2. The old you and old mindsets. Like an iphone, you must sell or put aside the old iphone and USE the new iphone.
  3. Faith in the face of fear.
  4. Relationships that are not healthy or beneficial for this new season. Yes, you can stay friends with people but there are seasons that require you to zone in and focus on the development that is happening within. You may start to meet NEW people, you might have one divine encounters after another. God might set you ASIDE in solitude while He works on your heart (like a surgeon does with his patients).
  5. A decision to CHOOSE abundance versus lack….what decisions are you making out of lack? You must be conscious to choose abundance because your tent is about to explode with spiritual gifts of peace, hope, joy and love as well material gifts. You must SEE farther than your current budget or your current income. God is your provider, He can do all things according to His riches in glory.

The struggle in the metamorphosis process ((in an insect or amphibian) the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages. A change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means – dictionary.com)….is difficult.

It’s not an overnight thing.

That’s why it’s disheartening when someone wants something right away…

Did you not know it requires everything to sync? 

  1. your beliefs
  2. your habits
  3. your character and integrity
  4. who you surround yourself with
  5. your humility

It’s a process that takes time as you FORM into the next you.

What does the “next you” consist of?

  1. Authority and confidence in your true identity
  2. Promotion in the spiritual and physical realm
  3. New levels of influence and friendships
  4. More Abundance in every area of your life- including peace, joy, love and spiritual gifts
  5. New annointing

So you’re not ALONE in this….because we are all going through this transformation, and it’s never ending, but I pray God will give you the rest and grace to enjoy the journey. 

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

Untitled design

“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/