The Greatest Showman & My Personal Odyssey

Yesterday I was compelled to watch The Greatest Showman. I heard the movie in my mind all day before I watched it.

Who knew it was like a personal revival in my heart. I’ll try my best not to include any spoilers. This post might make more sense if you have already watched the movie.

God breathed powerfully into this movie, into the songs, into the story. It is anointed, I know this for sure.

The arts, media, and movies are indicators and representations of our times. Whatever comes out, whether “good” or “bad” are often indicators of what is happening in our hearts and society. The arts are direct reflections of what humanity is going through, longing for and experiencing in the physical and spiritual realm.

That is why this movie was so reflective of my personal Odyssey and I believe also for many in this world.

As you know I have prophesied that we have been going through birthing pangs in our micro and macro lives but 2018 is the RELEASE of God’s fire in this world. God is releasing those who have been in HIDING (those who have been rejected as well) into the world and I am one of those. I have been in the wilderness season for over 2 years where God was building my inside, my identity. 

During that time I was accused on all ends (like the people who opposed the Barnum circus/museum).  I was not honored or appreciated….and this was also before those 2 years. I was always the outcast and never really fit in.

Like Joseph in the Bible, I experienced imprisonment, rejection by the family and the world around me. I experienced disappointment and hopelessness, losing everything, losing hope and feeling like my dreams would never come true. 

I also experienced a lost of self before the 2 years. I ran and strove after everything I thought I needed (like PT Barnum in the movie) to prove that I was enough. And it took God’s voice for me to loose my grip on everything. In this case, it was like when everything burned down for PT.

And many of you have experienced this…you’ve lost everything and you’ve questioned why. 

You used to have dreams, but the world rejected you.

You used to be proud of your ideas, but after the world laughed at you, you grew ashamed of yourself. Will anyone ever accept me? you ask.

You put your heart out there, gave it your all, but it still wasn’t enough. They left anyway, they treated you like crap.

Every song in this movie is an embodiment of these questions and the answer is “you are enough”. 

There is a moment in the movie where the bearded lady belts out a song, in fierce defiance of what the “elite” thought of her….it’s just powerful, it’s what we need in this world….people who are not ashamed of who they are, people who come out from hiding.

I could relate.

In all the hardships, dejection, rejections, and accusations throughout my life, I often questioned myself. I wondered if there was something truly wrong with me and if I would ever be celebrated for who I was.

There was a part of me that went into hiding because the world was unsafe.

I numbed my emotions and became “even keeled”. I didn’t laugh much and neither did I cry much. I was not reactive to anything that was going on around me. If someone yelled at me, I stayed silent. If someone praised me, I couldn’t really smile. My emotions were constipated. 

Numbing my emotions was my way of protecting my heart. 

That’s why before my big breakthrough, I had to cry a lot first. I had to weep. I had to really let it out.

Crying gave my heart strength. Crying said to my heart “you are worth it, I value you, I value your emotions, I value who you are”.

True strength is REALLY experiencing EVERY emotion that you heart feels.

Because the truth is, it really hurts, it’s painful….but it’s worth it.

Truly living means experiencing EVERY single emotion that life brings your way. We can’t be afraid of our emotions because joy is one of those emotions…and so is pain, disappointment, fear, etc. 

But if we are brave enough, our lives become rich.

I woke up from a dream where I was singing and I could feel the fire of God on the inside of me. I feel my spirit rising and I see the rejected coming out of hiding. 

If you are one of those, know that the hand of God is on you. 

2018 is your year. Mark my words. I have gone through too much to back down now. Though I don’t know the specifics of what 2018 holds, but I know God holds 2018.

I think it’s so interesting that Keala Settle has such a fear of stepping out in real life, because as you watch this video, you feel the strength of her stepping out. May you step out too, the world needs you.

If you have been blessed by this blog and me, consider sowing a seed as you will reap much more than you have sown in good soil. This is GOOD SOIL. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Galatians 6:7

Sow A Seed Today

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Who Did Jesus Heal?

Kat+Lia

As I was sitting in front of someone who was physically there but not mentally there, I thought to myself….this person could be set free right now but she doesn’t see the miracle that can happen right now, instead she is focused on her problems. 

I had a dream where I was sweeping up the food that someone made a mess of under the table of an art gallery. I said “what a mess!” Why would anyone leave a mess like this in a beautiful art gallery!

I was convicted this morning as God gave me a revelation.

“Don’t waste your time on people that don’t want to be healed”. 

Healing is a choice. Everyone has some healing to go through but NOT EVERYONE wants to be healed. In fact, being broken can be comfortable if you have been in it long enough.

I asked God “who did Jesus heal?” It’s a question we rarely ask. 

So I looked up some verses and realized that everyone he healed wanted to be healed. That is why He would ask them “Do you WANT to be well, do you want to be healed?”

Some guy WANTED TO BE HEALED SO MUCH that he had his friends remove a ROOF to get SET FREE by Jesus! One woman literally crawled on the floor (imagine public floors, EWWWW) to touch the hem of Jesus’ clothes to be HEALED.

Like HOW BADLY did they want their HEALING! 

So why do we throw the pearl of GREAT grace to pigs who DO NOT see it as precious? And why do we try so hard to PUSH people to realize they are broken.

OMG. There are people who would DO anything to get healed!!! WE don’t have TIME to waste on people who don’t want to change.

CHANGE IS A CHOICE and not everyone wants to change. 

“But the news about Him was spreading even farther, and large crowds were gathering to hear Him and to be healed of their sicknesses” Luke 5:15.

I have the anointing to impart abundance to people but when I mention that they are living in a spirit of lack, they are sometimes so offended they don’t want to hear what I have to say. Sometimes, I meet people who are inspired by my testimony and when I am about to say something that will shift their perspective and change them forever….all they want to do is vent about “she said that and he said that”. 

All they want to do is gossip and marinate in feeling bad when the miracle is RIGHT BEFORE THEM. 

“YOU COULD BE SET FREE RIGHT NOW” – I can hear my heart screaming. 

I do the best that I can, but essentially I give them to God and say “I release them to you for they are not my responsibility but yours”. 

13Then Jesus said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? Then how will you understand any of the parables?

14The farmer sows the word. 15Some are like the seeds along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.

16Others are like the seeds sown on rocky places. They hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17But they themselves have no root, and they remain for only a season. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.

18Still others are like the seeds sown among the thorns. They hear the word, 19but the cares of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desire for other things come in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.

20Yet others are like the seeds sown on good soil. They hear the word, receive it, and produce a crop—thirtyfold, sixtyfold, or a hundredfold.”- Matthew 13:18-23

Who did Jesus heal?

Jesus healed people who WANTED to be healed and He also healed people who were demon possessed, who were unable to decide for themselves because well, demons had possessed them. Usually people would bring them to Jesus to be healed. Though He traveled and met people to bring them out of their own misery, people also swarmed to Him for healing. 

So do you truly want to be healed, or do you want to keep feeling sorry for yourself?

Do you want to be healed, or do you actually want revenge for the hurt people have caused?

Do you want to be healed, or do you want to keep venting and own the right to vent?

Do you want to be healed, or do you want to own the control of your pain? Because when God heals you, you need to hand over the pain, the brokenness- you need to hand over your heart; not just half a heart, but your whole heart. 

People in ministry, coaching, therapy, teaching, etc….we are doing something wrong when we are focusing on people who don’t want to change or be healed. Being unhealed is a choice. Yes, we are all works in progress but there are many people who actually don’t DESIRE change or healing. So invest your time wisely.

Ask them “do you want to be well?” 

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I realize I don’t often make it easy for others to contribute, but I realize there is power in sowing a seed in good soil and there is also power in sowing so you can experience God’s fullest abundance. And I need to make it possible for people to contribute so that they can participate in God’s movement.
So if you would like to sow a seed in this ministry and you have been blessed by my videos! Thank you and God bless!

As you give, you will receive God’s multiplication! 

Make A Contribution Today!

 

A Blog Post For Children of Divorce

Divorce is awful to the people who divorce, but even worse for the children.

We are the invisible children who often suffer in darkness. 

But Asian culture makes it about invalidating the pain…”you should be grateful you know, that you weren’t abandoned, that a parent even took care of you” (like we are burdens instead of gifts in this world). These are the words you hear when you grow up in an Asian household. You are also taught to pretend like nothing is wrong. You are taught to hold your breathe and put on a mask. 

Because it is shameful, divorce. 

So there are seasons of my life where I feel pangs in my heart that I can’t explain, that I can’t pray away. It’s God healing the layers of pain that can’t be explained with words….it’s suffering in injustice and peeling off the hidden layers of protection, it’s trying not to drown and holding onto the cross, it’s looking up from under the ocean, every time God heals me…slowly swimming closer to the surface where I can finally breathe and laugh again.

It’s God unlocking chains that have held me down too deep, too many contracts and agreements that I didn’t agree to, that I was born into.

I didn’t agree to this. I break it off, I break off every lie that I was born into.

I break off every pain that tore through my heart, I break off the shame and the guilt that wasn’t mine.

It’s not your fault you know, if you were a child of divorce. You were a child who needed protection, not the other way around. You couldn’t possibly shield your parents from pain, you couldn’t have stopped the move, you couldn’t have because you were a child who needed protection.

So don’t feel guilty for not having done more. Even now it’s not your fault. You were a helpless child. 

Children of divorce often grow up with too much on their plates and they often continue to take on more than they can handle, sacrificing their own happiness to make others happy. Because I’ve caused enough hardships. I was a burden on her or him. My very life is a mistake. 

You are not a mistake, you are a gift from God. You were born into a tragic story but you were born as a brilliant idea of God, you are a gift and you are gifted.

No wonder some people live in rejection even until they are gray and old.

“No one will ever love me”- says he or she…”I’m not worthy of love”.

I wish I could tell you that this world is perfect, but it’s not. We are born into an imperfect world that needs redemption.

God is redeeming me everyday. Some seasons are heavier where I am faced with the wounds in my heart caused by thousands of stabbing.

There are layers and layers of protection and false bandages that children of divorce use. There are guilt trips and false shame.

Some of us live normal lives not recognizing or accepting that we have been wounded. These unrecognized wounds become unhealthy and destructive patterns in our lives. Sometimes we drown it with addictions like alcohol, sometimes we drown it by working hard and making money (and we are applauded for that, society looks up to that), sometimes we drown it with relationships and codependent friendships, sometimes we drown it by constantly being alone or constantly being with people.

It’s not about you, parents. This post is not about you. This post is about us children. We get to have a space to be ourselves, we are not guilt tripping you.

We get to have feelings, we get to have emotions. We are human, we are not an accessory to your lives. We were not born to be cute or helpful. We were born for God and FROM GOD. We were not born to satisfy or a fulfill a life you didn’t live, we were not born to be your source of love. We were born for God and from God. 

The responsibility to take care of wounded parents seem to last a life time, but it’s not supposed to. Children of divorce are not supposed to feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.

We are supposed to move on into healthy relationships and have healthy opinions of ourselves. 

But many of us still live under shame and guilt. We feel guilty for being born, we feel guilty for creating a mess, even though it’s not our mess. We feel guilty for being a burden. 

So God set us free.

Set us free from the lie that we are not enough.

Set us free from the lie that we are a burden and not a gift.

Set us free from shame. Set us free from feelings of unworthiness.

Set us free from the lie that we will never be happy and that we don’t deserve to be happy.

I have carried burdens that aren’t mine for too long and I need healing too. This is a space I get to be honest and myself. This is a space I get to be loved. Some people tell me “it seems like you are blaming your parents” or I hear “you shouldn’t write about it” ….but is silence better? Is it better to live in a world where everyone just pretends to be fine and dandy?

Why don’t we get to have feelings? 

If I don’t write about it, who will. Who will break the silence?

Who will shine light on the invisible children? Who will remember the forgotten ones? The children who grow up into adults but still live as rejects.

Most people will not see it, but God sees and He cares. He cares for every wound in your heart, He cares about every tear that you cry. He wants to set you free.

A prayer of release (read this out loud)- Dear God, from today on I break off any lies and contracts that were made on my soul and spirit the day I was born. I was born into imperfection and sin, but Jesus died on the cross for me to be righteous in your eyes. I am enough. I am loved by you. I am not a reject. I break off any responsibilities that are NOT mine.

From today on, I am a free person, I get to live my own life. I am not tied to my parents’ divorce, I am not a child of divorce any longer. I am a child of God. Now you are my parent, you take care of me, you protect me, you guide me. You have always been there for me, even when I felt like an orphan. I now remember that I am royalty, I was born to reign and not to suffer in silence. 

I forgive my parents and I forgive myself for carrying burdens that aren’t mine.

I am a free person! There is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Jesus, in Jesus name Amen.

You Are Not Your Talent- A Message to Creatives

If you have trouble watching the video click here

I thought my dream was to travel the world,

I thought my dream was to set people free,

I thought my dream was to be on TV or to be famous or to own a big house and to drive nice cars,

I thought my dream was to help others achieve their dreams and goals….

and I realized, my dream is to be loved by God and I have already achieved that. 

My true dream is to walk with God everyday of my life…and nothing else truly matters. I get to live out His heart for people. 

Nothing has changed in my circumstances. Right now I sleep on a sofa bed I have to pull out everyday, I’m not on prime time television, I don’t have a big contract with any big companies, I’m not making bank and I don’t have a car even!!!! But I feel MORE ALIVE AND FREE than I have EVER felt in my whole life because GOD. ALL I NEED IS GOD!

A message for creatives
You are not your talent. 
I feel so strongly that many artists have felt a spirit of rejection on them and that they’ve felt like they are failure because they haven’t made it.
I have a message that will set you free.
This is my reflection after watching “Loving Vincent”.
Watch this video and feel free to share. 

After I made this video I felt like I had come back from another planet and I have been spiritually high ever since that video. I feel like GOD calibrated and breathed into my heart in a new way.

New Doors Won’t Open Until You Close The Old Doors

I hear God say “I won’t open the new doors if you are unwilling to close the old doors”. 
The new you and old you can’t exist in the same realm.
Some of you will need to quit the old job before you launch your new business.
Some of you need to delete old flings before your husband shows up!

I woke up from a dream where I had moved into a new house but I had let an old fling into my house. God was saying “you still have open doors to the people you need to close doors to!” It was so clear to me…if you don’t let go of the old things you will live a double minded person and never walk into the full promise of what God has for you!!!

Some of you need to shut the window and door completely to the guys or girls you used to like!!!! You say you want a husband or wife but you’re still thinking about the guy or girl you used to like!!! You are still remembering dates and moments with old flings.

You need to delete them completely. No marriage or new relationship will thrive if your heart is on the past. Same goes for career, life, housing, etc…….you must be focused!!!!

You are asking me what I did to close those doors? I deleted and unfriended guys I used to have feelings for. That’s right- HONEST AIN’T I? I deleted old photo albums and EX’s photos!!! You say, but those were the good times, the old times, the memories….NO, can you imagine if you got married to your husband and you found out he still talked to HIS EX? You would feel the same way right? 

God WANTS your full surrender so HE can GIVE YOU THE BEST.

Remember Your Way Into Your Promised Land

nature walk

Human beings have such amnesia. 

As I was taking a shower, I heard God say “remember my goodness”.

Remember how I delivered you from that broken heart,

remember how I provided for you in the waiting season,

remember how I kept you safe in your travels, when you were healed of deathly food poisoning.

Stop complaining, remember my goodness. 

Every time God delivered you, did you remember to thank Him or did you start focusing on what ELSE you didn’t have? When God kept you safe and healthy after a trip, did you realize that you could have been hurt but God delivered you from evil?

“Remember my goodness so that you can walk through the unknowns and into your promised land” says the Lord. 

I recently went to China and weird enough, after 3 weeks I forgot what God did for me. He sent me to China with 2 weeks notice, He paid for my trip, He delivered me from evil (this evil was manipulation from a salesperson), he kept me healthy on the trip, and He made sure my mom was safe when we separated on our trip and she went her own way.

Somehow my focus was already on what wasn’t happening next. 

Thank God before He delivers you, thank God before He provides, thank God before the door opens, thank God even when you see no progress, even when your child is still disobedient or hanging out with the wrong people, thank God even when your health seems worse than before, thank God before you find housing, thank God before that bill is paid, thank God before your relationships are restored, thank God before He brings your life partner, thank God before your book is published, thank God before you get that big paycheck, thank God before the door opens, thank God for the little because when you thank GOD for the little, He will multiply it. 

Nothing is impossible for God.

If you believe, share this post so the world can be reminded to live in remembrance of God’s goodness. 

Every negative word out of our mouths taints our hearts and digs our own graves. We can build a NEW and GOOD future by being thankful everyday.

It’s all perspective isn’t it? If you believe we are all connected, then one positive and thankful word, post, encouragement can be a catalyst for goodness in this world.

If we can remember what God has done for us before, we will remember “oh yah GOD is for me and not against me! He loves me and He IS a good Father….and all those other lies that are drifting in your mind will dissipate…like the lies that God has forgotten you or doesn’t care about you….they’re all lies!!!….Remember my goodness says the Lord!”

Share and like this post & don’t forget to subscribe on the right hand side of the blog- XOXO Love BEX

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

Untitled design

“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/