Rules of Engagement

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Pic from google

Hello. I don’t have a blog schedule, I just write when I feel like it.

I realize that most of us don’t grow up being taught how to make friends or what is normal, healthy in a relationship. I’ve learned some things over the years that have helped me to have healthy boundaries. First, I read the book Boundaries by John Townsend. That changed my dynamic with my mom because I realized that I could say no to my mom. Also I grew up going to a baptist church where they taught you that loving people meant listening to them, or serving them. What a recipe for a fucking place mat, or door mat. I meant.

I don’t think Jesus listened to everyone when he was walking this earth, I think he wouldn’t have accomplished everything he needed to do.

Here’s a few things I came up with : 

  1. Close friends are your inner circle that you share your problems with, confide in, pray with. It’s a mutual relationship where you better each other.
  2. There are different types of close friends, some friends you talk to more often than others. Some you talk to about certain problems.
  3. It is okay to separate from friends that are going different directions. I have broken up with a few friends that due to beliefs and differences, it was healthier for both parties to basically stop talking or fade off. You don’t necessarily have to “break up”, you can just distance yourself.
  4. As a wise sage, many people have requested to “hang out with me”. Hey WE HAVEN’T talked forever, we should hang out! 

I found out the hard way that it meant I was their therapist and they would dump a shit load of problems into my ears and psyche and mess with the positive flow I was in. 

Which is why I have started asking people “what do you want?”.

Here’s a way to filter out people:

  1. What are you hitting on me?
  2. What’s up?
  3. What’s going on?
  4. What’s wrong?
  5. What’s right?

Which sounds kind of awful, but it has helped me clarify so that I am not getting fooled.

You might be thinking, “well maybe you are the answer to their problems!” Well, most people who use manipulative ways to “spend time with you” actually won’t listen to any of your advice. They will continue to brood, complain to anyone who will listen. 

5. The key is to say no. Say no when your heart says no.

6. If you ARE on the other end, you see someone that is maybe wise, as an acquaintance, approach them by asking “hey, can I get some advice from you?” Come out right in the beginning and say what it is that you want. “Hey I need help, I’m in a pit right now and was wondering if you had any advice for me”. Don’t manipulate others by pretending you are wanting to be their “friend”. Friends are people who actually want to contribute to another person, not just TAKE from them.

7. What does that mean? Your circle will decrease in size. As you get older, you will learn to discern who has your best interest in mind. You will maybe have a best friend, and a few close friends….

8. What is a true friend? Someone who you can be yourself with. Not just a therapist all the time.

9. If you do want to do something, do it. 

If you don’t, don’t. There is nothing worse than a obligated life. 

 

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Be willing to change

Be willing to change.

As I walk through this season of being with my mom, I am challenged with my ego, pride and hubris and am releasing the defensive mechanism I had for most of my life.

This defensive mechanism came from my need to protect my ego. To protect my core.

Her criticisms often made me feel unloved and not enough, never good enough.

As I grew in my spirituality I started to release old mentalities and thought patterns. I released things, attachment to the material world, the need to control…but as I spend time with her, I am reminded again of the not good enough monster. In addition, in my opened eyes of seeing her inability to release things like a table from 25-30 years ago, I am noticing why she is stuck.

But I also am challenged to love in a greater way, to love from a place of- I accept and love you as you are, not when you release these old wounds, but just as you are. I accept you even in your inability to love yourself or to see that not releasing past wounds hurts you.

Today after I washed my hair, my mom kept doting “dry your hair, dry your hair”. It really didn’t matter to me, I usually air dry it. But I replied after 30 minutes “okay I’m drying my hair because I love you”.

Perhaps that was my first training for my future marriage…something might not matter to me, but if it matters to someone you love, you may just do it out of love.

And instead of incurring more annoyance, I did it out of love for her, even though I could care less if my hair is dried.

So I suppose I am maturing. I used to blame her for many things, but now I’m learning that I must overcome the annoyances within me until her words becomes only a reflection of her own spirit, not mine. And in effect, I can love her just as she is, and allow that love to change her.

Start to Live Today

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“Most men and women  lead lives of quiet desperation

and go to the grave with the song still in them.”-

Henry David Thoreau

There are many men and women who live their lives, surviving, hoping that the surviving, the working and striving will lead them to TRUE HAPPINESS. 

I think that is WHAT MOST PEOPLE WANT. True Happiness.

In the last few weeks, I have personally attested to feeling OVERWHELMED, INSECURE, UNABLE, SHORT of EXPECTATIONS of OTHERS, and MOSTLY PRESSURE FROM SELF. Today, I ask myself, where does this PRESSURE come from?

The pressure to be enough, to achieve, to strive for the goals that I think will make me happy, give me more freedom. Perhaps most of us are following a SCRIPT that we did not write. Perhaps a lot of us are feeling pressures to be ENOUGH for others, for others to love us….because maybe if we achieve enough, we’ll be enough for others to love.

I’m here to tell you that life begins TODAY. 

Not tomorrow, not when things go the way you desire, not when you achieve your dreams or goals- but life, joy, and love BEGINS TODAY. 

Most people live their lives busy, running around without TRULY examining WHY they do what they do. 

Why? Why are you doing what you’re doing?

I remember one day, my friend asked me “what are you trying to prove?” Yes, what was I trying to prove?

That I was worth loving.

I’m sure you might feel the same, sometimes, a lot of times. Don’t wait until you are 65 to be loved, to feel love, to know your are worth loving. Don’t wait until you are financially successful, with houses, cars, accumulated THINGS to realize…..what truly matters and what you are TRULY feeling.

Worth does not come from how much you have accomplished, worth comes from who you are.

I believe we are all worthy from the womb. 

Start to live. I beg you, START TO LIVE. 

Living OUT OF DESIRE RATHER THAN SHOULDS

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I don’t believe in the word “should”. 

I believe in listening to my inner voice and listening to my body when it says that it is tired. However, I am NOT saying that you should listen when it’s trying to be lazy. There is a major difference here.

Most of us grew up thinking that success only comes from hard work. I believe this is true, partially.

I believe success COMES from SMART work, not HARD work. 

For example, if you had a really bad system for working, and you kept doing the same thing 40 hours a week, you’re not being SMART….you’re just wasting time.

Most human beings probably can’t concentrate for more than 1.5 – 2 hours.

That is WHY I believe we should listen to our bodies and mind and feelings. When we need a break, we will start to lose focus. Do jumping jacks, run around the block.

For me, I go and watch a movie at the $2 movie theater or I walk around the neighborhood. I hang out with friends at random parts of my week, but that allows for some relaxation and fun….because once I’m back home, I am WORKING FRIEND!

When I have snapped back from having fun, I WANT to work.

I believe that HUMAN BEINGS are MOTIVATED by desire. 

What do I mean by this?

If I tell you to sit at a desk for 10 hours a day, would you want to? Probably not.

If I tell you to sit and work on a project that you could potentially reap $20,000 from, would you do it? Yes.

Desire. You desire that money. For something, whatever it is.

If we could get RID of the SHOULDS and the CONTROL, we can start motivating people by knowing their inner DESIRES. Start to observe what your friends, your boss, your coworkers, your mom or dad, your relatives, your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend DESIRE.

Most of us desire a better life.

This BETTER LIFE is DIFFERENT for everyone. 

My desire is to live a life of leisure and smart work. I want to work smart, and reap immensely for my talent and skill. I desire to love and help people with my talent. It’s not really about “should”, I think it’s about conquering the fears that stand in the way of our desires….my desire is to build successful coaching and real estate businesses.

Like any other human being, I have fears too. I have fears of rejection, fears of failure, but everyday, I push through….because I believe in life, in myself, in people, in God, in promises fulfilled.

I believe in my childhood dreams, do you?

Progress Equals Happiness

It is ridiculously MIND-BLOWING to see that my hardships and struggles have become the very gift within me….to bless the world. Most of you…in the past year may have read my depressing, crazy, intense blog posts. A lot of them had to do with surviving my year of self employment. There are some facets of my life that are pretty similar from a year ago.

The one difference in my life- accepting the fact that I was called for a greater purpose of being an entrepreneur and future American Coach (me on the stage with thousands of people listening to my story). Sometimes when we FIGHT our callings, or when we rebel and fight the very thing that we are called to do…it can add much friction in our lives. 

What is ONE THING that I see many people do?

Fight the very thing they love. Isn’t that ironic? The very thing you love to do and are called to do…you deny until it’s a starved lover. Like many desires in our lives, with much denial comes much dying in our hearts.

 Thus….Choose your love and choose to fight for it. After awhile, your passion becomes your life. Life becomes a passionate living. And then…..

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I’ll fly here….to places like the beaches of Thailand and look back. IT WAS ALL WORTH pursuing my passion. Because I have the free time and money to fly whenever I want. I hope you’ll join me too.

Making Life Happen

I wish I can tell you that life is easy, life is simple.
It really isn’t.
Today I feel stuffy, almost sick but not.
I’m drinking tea and I took an allergy pill which made me completely zoned out for 2 hours.

Today something really significant happened.

I decide to make life happen instead of wait.
I was sitting there waiting for my free haircut at a women’s conference.
Lord knows how long I waited, then something in me clicked.

Despite being zoned out, completely out of it, I felt my body jerk up and my feet started walking. I walked up to the director and told him that I knew someone and worked with some people he knew. Immediately, I was VIP and so was my friend.

The moral of the story, sometimes we wait for things to be given to us, actually all we need to do is think creatively and act upon it.

Being in your mid – twenties, it is pretty interesting. You see life ahead and you see what you passed. Relationships and friendships are interesting. Everything is like a highlighted note in your memo. Relationships can be difficult, not flowery like the disney movies. Friendships can be conditional, based on what you can give, sometimes not what you can take at all. You realize, as you grow up, that kids are a lot funner to hang out with.

Kids tend to laugh and smile to anything they want. They say what’s on their mind without thinking. They are the sole expression of themselves. For us, adults, it gets a bit complicated doesn’t it?

There tends to be some kind of agenda. So my word for today, be a kid. Be genuine and be blunt even when it’s socially awkward. Of course, think creatively and ACT.

Speaking of being a kid- watch me on Let’s Make A Deal. I’m the kimono geisha. 

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TV Children

1992- drew this when I was 4

They call us, tv children.

Changelings, sitting in front of TV’s, alone, doing homework, but not.

Changelings are little creatures, they hide under tables and play with barbies until they hear footsteps coming home.

We hear screaming and shouting, throwing of things, we learn to adapt like aliens.

We, like wallpapers, we like transformers. We learn to sing when there is only silence.

We recognize each other because we have no home, not an earthly one. We learned to make do, learned to see flowers when there was only blood and chaos.

Unicorns, monsters, purple and pink rabbits. We have seen it all. We have seen angry people, monstrously sad ones, scars on wrists and crushed plush toys.

TV children have learned to overcome, they are stronger than most and live in your neighborhood. They appear normal, but they are really part of my clan. Reclaiming the little girl and boy inside each of us.