A Persevering Love

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A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia

I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.

There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.

Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.

“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.

I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.

As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.

This is living with an open heart.

God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.

Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.

The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out. 

After a few days, you have to cry.

Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb. 

Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.

I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.

There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.

But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.

I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.

More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.

And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.

This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust. 

But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.

Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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Try Anything For You Will Not Fail

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Prophetic Word-

I hear the Lord say you are enough, you are not lacking and you have everything you need to move forward. I actually walked into a bookstore and told this to a girl and right after I realized God was speaking to me through me prophesying to her.

I spent a week in Melaka, Malaysia ministering there and then the Lord told me to go to Singapore. Well, I had about $60 in the bank and about 250 ringgits that my friend gave me. My phone was totally dead but I knew that the Lord would provide. I didn’t feel peace about booking any hostel or doing couchsurfing as I felt the Lord would lead me to where I needed to go. I also felt like I needed to stay at a hostel but that the hostel was not online.

However, I was still petrified and had a few days of feeling paralyzed in fear and I had to spend time with Jesus to even have any inkling of courage.

My time in Malaysia was fruitful, the Lord prophesied to people and healed people through me.

Testimonies:

On the day I was going to Singapore I saw a man at the bus station, I asked him if he was going to Singapore. He said yes. Right away I shared with him that I was a missionary and he said me too! He is an artist/minister.

On the bus we shared testimonies for 3 hours. In the beginning I shared how I was relying on the Lord for finances to keep going and that I’ve been going for 5 months since July to over 8 countries (Taiwan, Korea, Japan, China, Hong Kong, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore).

When I went to the bathroom, the Lord spoke to this gentleman and told him to sow a seed. He gave me an envelope. I was shocked and surprised. The Lord surely provides. He said that the Lord told him I needed it more than him and this was true.

During the ride I felt that I needed to pray for the man and I held him like a baby, it was the strangest thing but I felt like I needed to do it. I said that he was a baby and that he must rely and rest in the Lord like a baby. That the Lord is taking care of all of his needs. I also felt that when he gave, the Lord broke off the spirit of lack. The Lord often calls us to give so that we are reminded “The Lord is our shepherd, we lack nothing” and that the Lord will refill what we gave in more abundance.

We cried and prophesied to each other on the bus, I felt like he was like a father figure.

When I got to Singapore, I first got some change and then asked which bus I should take to get to Chinatown. The Lord had impressed on my heart to go to Chinatown. I knew there were people I needed to reach there.

Without a phone, I got on a bus. First there was a man with an injured leg and I asked to pray for him but he said no. Later a madam and her helper got on the bus. I made some small talk and asked to pray for them, they said okay. I asked her if she knew of any hostels in Chinatown, she said no.

She said “Follow me” and I was hesitant but decided to follow her off the bus. She said “want to eat?” I said YES I am starving. She treated me to a big meal as we fellowshiped. I found out she was also Christian. I explained to her helper that I only had about 100 singaporean dollars to spend on a week at a hostel and I may not have enough. Even though the Lord had already provided 200 ringgits by the gentleman on the bus….

All of a sudden I heard the Lord said the lady would pay for my hostel.

I was like “okay, well I’ve heard things from you but sometimes they don’t pay God” (for example, I’ve heard God say “she will pay for your meal” and sometimes it doesn’t happen).

All of a sudden the madam got money out of her bag and put it in mine. I didn’t know how much she put but the helper said “see my madam is very kind, she just gave you 100 singaporean”.

I was like OMG you were right.

God provided enough for a hostel, but then now I had to find a hostel within my budget.

I walked into 5-6 hostels and I’m like LORD, show me the way. He said “go forward”. Many of the hostels were fully booked. Finally I looked across the street and I saw one that seemed plain and simple. I’m like Lord….

I walk in and ask if they have a bed, bam. It was sort of within my budget but if I spent all my money on the hostel, I wouldn’t have money for food. In the afternoon I suddenly had the idea to ask for a week’s discount and the owner said “yes, we have”.

Praise God. It was a considerable discount and it was the Lord providing.

Testimonies of Ministry:

As you know I pray for people when I minister. Sometimes people say yes, sometimes no. If the opportunity is there, I share my testimony and story of Jesus in my life. These are just a FEW of the testimonies that happen on a daily basis.

I saw a cat and started petting it. The owner of the shop came out and started talking to me. I shared why I was here in Singapore and he shared some of the things he has been through the last year. I prayed for him and also found out he used to be christian. I said the Lord led me here to let him know that The Lord has never left him.

The night I arrived, there were 3 Filipino ladies in the room. They happen to be Christian too and they prayed for me.

One day I asked to pray for a Vietnamese girl. I prophesied that “the Lord said to follow your heart and not to be afraid. I felt like it was her job that she didn’t like.”

She was shocked, “how did you know what I was thinking?”

I said “the Lord speaks to me”. She ended up receiving the Lord and I told her “you can hear God too” so we sat there holding hands. She said “the Lord told me not to be scared” in Vietnamese.

There are many more testimonies.

The Lord has told me to continue in Indonesia and I am looking for ministry partners that are willing to sow. The flight ticket is about $90 and finances for housing and food. I am aiming for $500.

If you feel the spirit leading you to give, know that the Lord will bless you MORE abundantly and your reward will also be in heaven.

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The People Pleaser & The Master Manipulator, Finding Wholeness in a World That Lacks Love

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Today we will talk about two types of people:

  1. The people pleaser- always playing in line with what others want, in fear of judgement, rejection, feelings of shame, and feelings of unworthiness.
  2. Master manipulator- angry at what life didn’t give them, manipulating others to get what they want

Both operate from a spirit of lack.

This post may hit at the target at everything you’ve ever felt in your whole life.

I have been both but for much of my life I was a people pleaser. My mother often “made me” feel guilty or ashamed to be alive. My dad was supposedly cheating on my mother when she was pregnant with me so I often felt like I was paying penance with my life, subjugated to simply do what she wanted me to so that she wouldn’t feel so bad about herself.

I wonder how many of us feel this way? That we aren’t worthy to even be alive.

It wasn’t my fault.

The same spirit that accused and blamed me my whole life, even using my mom’s anger towards herself and her life circumstances accused me this week.

An airbnb owner (who happens to be pregnant) accused me of asking for too much when I asked for a quiet house on several occasions. Apparently the housemate was offended. Here I was thinking that we were all becoming friends when in actuality, they were talking behind my back.

She came home, exploding. She said I was selfish for expecting everyone to cater towards my need. I said “you opened an airbnb business, it was your choice, and I’m simply being honest”.

I knew that this was all the devil trying to accuse me.

I felt guilty when the owner stopped talking to me. When I said hi the other day she didn’t even look at me.

I felt my shoulders tighten.

Then it hit me. My mom does that when she is mad at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence as a way to punish me. I wonder if that’s connected with her blaming me for her pain, her pain of feeling abandoned by my dad, her pain of feeling neglected, unloved.

It’s not my fault though.

Finally, it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. And it’s not your fault, however your parents punish you for their own feelings of unworthiness. 

I kept hearing God say “it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply being honest and speaking up for your needs”. 

The owner’s accusation was a way to make me feel guilty for speaking up and wanting what I wanted.

Perhaps that is why most people stop asking for what they want or need- because they have a fear that people will reject, shame, judge or condemn them for their desires or opinions.

I felt a sense of responsibility to right the wrong- but I didn’t do anything wrong, I was only speaking my mind and truth.

Shame and guilt shuts people up.

Shame causes people to be silent. 

I realized that this wasn’t about me, it was about the owner. She was too stressed, working full time, managing an airbnb (her own house), pregnant.

Was it that I was being selfish or that she just wasn’t loving herself enough?

People who call others selfish usually don’t love themselves enough and aren’t “selfish” enough. They live out of a spirit of lack and often expect others to compensate for the lack of love they feel. 

In actuality, no one is responsible to love you. It’s your responsibility to love yourself first, to allow God to love you and then to speak up for what it is you need and want. Sure, in a relationship, in family, people do love you, but they do it out of what they are capable of doing. Most people don’t have ENOUGH love to give because they don’t realize they are enough in Christ Jesus.

People can only love you to the capacity they love themselves. If they “love” you above what they can give themselves, they are “sacrificing” themselves at the cost of loving you. And there is then a deficit. a shortage. When there is a shortage, people often feel bitter about the love they give you.

In truth, all of what I described is not love at all, it’s actually based out of fear. 

People sacrifice themselves at the cost of loving themselves because they fear that you will essentially LEAVE or reject them if they don’t sacrifice themselves.

But there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear.

So what would it look like to live in love? 

  1. Speaking up for how I actually feel, need and want without fear of judgement or rejection.
  2. There is no need for “sacrifice”, just love.
  3. Sure there may be compromises, but not compromises that are based out of fear.

The owner told me that it is in Malaysian culture to sacrifice to the point that they can’t take it anymore. But when I talked to two male Malaysians, they said “no, I don’t believe that” so I wonder if it’s mostly just with women….this theme of sacrifice.

I don’t need to sacrifice because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.

Sure, I have left everything to follow Jesus to share the love of Christ with people, but in truth, it’s not a sacrifice because I am following my heart and what truly gives me fulfillment. 

My heart is full when I love people, and when I allow others that I meet to love me. But I ultimately go to God.

God does not call us to sacrifice, he says come to me with a broken and contrite heart, this I will not despise. He doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to lay ourselves at His feet at all times. 

I found myself fighting this battle of shame and guilt through words and prayer.

“I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus”. 

We battle with not enough, we battle with feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation- but in Christ, we are enough and we are righteous.

When you know you are enough in Christ Jesus, you’ll love with an open heart, one that is pure and without manipulation, guilt, witchcraft, control or a need to sacrifice.

When we sacrifice, we live out of a belief that there is lack, that somewhere God won’t fill the void if we don’t personally fill it. 

But in Christ, there is no lack. There is only an abundance of love. So if we are not able, say so. Christ is more than enough. God does not need us to be strong. God wants us to be weak and for Him to be strong for us.

Sow a seed- Your giving makes changing lives possible as I minister to and share the gospel of grace to people around the world! There is an ongoing need to fulfill the mandate the Lord has put on my life. Join me as I change and save lives! 

Thank you! 

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Prophetic Word – Show Yourself, Show Who You Really Are.

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So yesterday I had a dream where people started writing about me and texting me. I was becoming famous but I was in deep water and asking someone if it was okay that I was wearing leather boots, will they be comfortable or ruined in water?

Then another dream was that there were 3 animals but this guy said “it’s mine and it’s my grandma’s and I have to keep it in my garage”- referring to the past.

SO then I was telling my friend this dream and she said “just remember to relax in your own skin”.

Then I fell asleep again and then all of a sudden I had this HUGE realization.

Yesterday I met a Muslim girl from Indonesia in the bathroom. I told her how it was REALLY IMPORTANT THAT she WRITE what she FELT, not just WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR because HER STORY MATTERS AND HER VOICE MATTERS. 

SHE CAN CHANGE HER NATION WITH HER WORDS.

She told me how in her country you can get imprisoned for simply joking about “having a bomb on an airplane” but I was talking about how in America you can say you want to chop off the President’s head and it’s okay because “yes it’s really that free” I told her.

She told me how when she is with relatives she is even shy about showing her neck area since she wears a head covering.

In the bathroom, she said “it’s okay, you can see me” and she took off her head covering. 

Her hair was beautiful, she had dyed it partially blonde and for some reason, I felt a sigh a relief. 

Is this how it feels to show your skin? To finally allow others to see the real you? 

To not hide anymore, who you are, what you look like, what you think. To not be afraid of judgement, rejection, imprisonment even.

The truth is I’ve been battling insecurities at times too. For example, feeling like I have a double chin, this is my insecurity at times. And I have to come back to God and hear Him say “you are enough, you are beautiful just the way you are”. 

We live in a world that tells us WHO to be, What to think, and even WHAT to say to be accepted. We get hunted down when we don’t say something that is either politically correct or that “offends” someone.

You will offend someone no matter what you say and who you are. Someone will find you offensive. People find me offensive in various parts of Asia because I am blunt. 

But as a prophet, I have to brave and bold and say what’s on my mind because God’s light and truth must be spoken to pierce the darkness and lies that people believe in.

Show yourself, show who you really are. 

That night I got really frustrated.

I said “God I am so ready to just speak in front of thousands of people and be a voice for the voiceless and to FREE people from oppression, I am SO TIRED of seeing people living under oppression and this FEAR of rejection and judgement. NO MORE SHAME LORD!”

Ever since I was young I saw myself speaking in front of thousands and millions of people, I saw myself writing books and shedding light into the darkest hearts. Now I am doing it but on smaller scale and a part of me feels impatient but I know God’s timing is perfect.

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I pray what I write and speak will bring freedom to people. 

You are not a slave to society and what society thinks of you, you are free. In Christ Jesus.

To Read About My Story 

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You Have The Right To Follow Your Heart

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One of the things I find very disturbing about what some Christians teach is that they hide under the guise or the “covering” of the church and do not have opinions or trust that God is speaking to them.

So they move only in the direction of what they’re told by leaders in the church and no longer have a mind of their own.

As someone who hears God and follows His voice I often meet Christians who say “wouldn’t it be better if you went with someone else” or a group?

As though Jesus in me is not enough and if the signs and miracles that God has worked through me isn’t evident of His presence in me and in my life. 

I am often reminded of the pharisees who saw the miracles and signs yet still doubted that God could really work through one person.

They are essentially saying “you can’t trust that God can speak to one individual or work miracles through one person”.

In fact this thinking is ancient.

It’s like having a catholic priest to “confess” your sins to and atone for your sins.

But Jesus’ BLOOD IS enough.

So many Christians are taught not to trust their heart and because of this, we do not see manifestations of God as much as God intended.

The reason I see God working through me is because I trust that IT IS God speaking to me and I act upon it. 

God puts every desire in your heart and ONLY BY listening to it will you essentially be listening to the spirit.

Leaders in the church have systematically taken “power” away from people by teaching this lie- that God only works through groups, not individuals and that their hearts are not to be trusted.

You see ONE head of that group who controls them and “corrects” them when they’ve gone astray.

This IS THE RELIGIOUS SPIRIT, a demonic spirit that entraps people and gets them forever stuck, to not have any voice or thought of their own but to be a mere robot that merely listens to a person or group herd mentality.

It says in the BIBLE that you have the mind of Christ when you receive Him into your heart.

GOD IS NOT AGAINST OUR DESIRES, HE PUTS DESIRES IN OUR HEARTS AND IT IS HIS LEADING. 

If a man was to follow the Spirit people probably wouldn’t QUESTION that GOD is working through him, but for some reason as a woman, I have tons of people asking me that maybe I should find a person to go with, that God should send my husband so I’m not alone out here on the field (in whatever country I am in).

HEY GUYS! 

I’M NOT ALONE! I WAS NEVER ALONE. JESUS IS MORE PRESENT THAN ANY HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH.

AND HE IS WORKING POWERFULLY THROUGH ME. AND I DO NOT FEEL ALONE, though I may feel misunderstood, I SAY I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of CHRIST JESUS, I AM ENOUGH IN CHRIST JESUS.

After I struggled with thoughts of lack because someone asked if I should maybe go with someone- I suddenly had all these revelations about being enough. Even in this way. Following your heart and trusting that GOD is the one in you leading you, I decided to get a henna tattoo as a reminder.

And yes that is a mosquito bite. LOL.

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YOU ARE FREE, not a slave.

You are free, you are enough because of what Jesus did on the cross for you.

I had a remembrance of when I left a certain church because of legalism that someone said “I wish you came and prayed with us”.

What she really meant was “I wish I had the chance to change your mind, control you because I want you to stay and take over the worship team because I am the one leaving”.

God had already spoken to me “you’ve reach your limit here, it’s time to move on”.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.

Even if someone doesn’t agree with you, it’s important to listen to what your heart is telling you.

The traditional and ancient church have suppressed women by telling them that they cannot have their own thoughts or even preach. They are much mistaken and it is the PURE work of the Devil, not God. In fact there were many prophetesses in the Bible. Jesus always came to liberate women, not to judge or condemn them.

When everyone tried to condemn a prostitute, He forgave and freed them. He protected them. 

I pray that this post will set you free to know that your heart is worth listening to and it is God speaking.

Sow a seed to this ministry and the work I am doing overseas to share the grace of God and bring healing to people. Your help is much appreciated and God sees your generosity! 

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Don’t Stay Stuck

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Prophetic Word November 23, 2018
One of the tactic of the enemy is to make you think you’ve found your nest with people you think you belong with. But you know their true character.

They are not your destiny.

Your belonging is in Christ, not in people.
The enemy will send people to make you feel comfortable or familiar and because you’ve felt “alone” for so long you will think “maybe this is where I belong”, but

ARE they pushing you to GROW or allowing you to be STUCK in mud?

True friends will pull you out of the mud and not allow you to stay in it or even allow you to drown in mud.

Beward of wolves in sheep skin, they might even be your family members or friends.
A true prophet will not say what you want to hear but tell you the truth. A desire to fit in and be accepted by those around you will be detrimental to your growth.
You belong to God.
You are already accepted and approved by God.
Your only way is forward.

Beware of those who want to entertain you with mud (the past) because God wants you to move forward.
You must push through the familiar voices, they are distractions from your destiny and true freedom.

Beware of those who just say what you want to hear or give advice that allow you to stay stuck.
Not everyone will make it out. Some will stay in the mud.

You don’t dim your light to accommodate peoples’ darkness, you shine your light- even brighter to bring change to darkness.

 

Just because it feels comfortable doesn’t mean it’s a path from God. Sometimes the more you find your freedom the more you should face and confront difficult conversations and blockages. 

Because your path to FREEDOM comes with battles.

 

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Prophetic Word: I AM MAKING ALL THINGS NEW!

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If you have ignored every single post…THIS IS THE ONE YOU WANT TO READ.

“I AM MAKING ALL THINGS NEW- says the Lord. 

I am making all things new!!
I am turning your mourning into laughing!
I am turning your grief into joy!
LETTING GO of the old might seem difficult BUT OH the JOY of the new!

No one can FATHOM what GOD has in store for you! NO ONE! It is SO GOOD!! He is such a good good father, HE is smiling just thinking about how HAPPY YOU will be when HE unveils the surprises (I am literally tearing up).

You will literally weep in joy when you see the NEW life God has for you! You will be SO GLAD you didn’t settle! You will be SO GLAD you trusted God when things looked foggy. You will be SO GLAD you took the road less taken.
You Will Be So GLAD you chose to submit to the PROCESS of sonship versus the easy path of the world. 
You will rejoice ‘thank you father for never leaving nor forsaking me!'”

God is about to reveal HIS sons and daughters on this earth. He is positioning and aligning people RIGHT NOW via relocations, movements and travels. He is going to put you in the right place at the right time and NO one can take CREDIT for it!!

“YOU who have been hidden in the wilderness, YOU who I specifically PUT away in holding IS NOW being served to the world as a REMINDER of my glory ON this earth. PEOPLE will STAND IN AWE of WHO YOU ARE. YOU will carry a presence of JESUS that they have NEVER SEEN! NEVER!!!!! They have never seen a Christ follower that LOVES LIKE YOU LOVE. You will not have the religious spirit, you are SO counter culture. You will carry the true essence and aroma of being a son/daughter of God. THEY HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE LIKE YOU. You are BOLD like a lion.”

Whew I can just sense the heaviness of what is going to happen.

“I KNOW it will take everything for you to give up the past, to let go of what was and to following my SPIRIT. BUT DO. Because WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU IS GREATER THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN CONJURE UP FOR YOURSELF, I AM THIS GOOD. I WANT TO SHOW OFF HOW GOOD I AM. I AM a generous, abundant, never-cease-to-amaze type of God. I am not your average Joe, I am your personal savior and Father!”