A Queen/King Honors Her Emotions & Boundaries

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One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.

I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.

She belittled the hurt.

And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed. 

I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.

I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.

After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.

It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.

During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.

But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.

That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.

“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”. 

When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.

I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets. 

I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions. 

Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.

I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.

I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.

But kids are rarely taught boundaries.

I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.

I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.

But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday. 

I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.

I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live. 

I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay. 

We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.

People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving. 

But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me. 

It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.

A queen seated on high.

 

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There Is Nothing To Do, Nowhere To Be

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The last week I have been wrestling with a feeling of restlessness. You know when you plan charts and goals in your mind but instead God says “rest”. Most people think resting is easy, but actually it’s really difficult. Sometimes you compare yourself, you see celebrities and insta-famous people “progressing” and you think to yourself “what am I doing?” as if your life is measured by fame and money.

Resting is difficult because society drills “you’re not there yet, you’re not enough” into your mind. It’s everywhere, this message.

This message is the voice of the slave master, the devil himself.

But God says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 

The slave master has entered the minds of spiritual people too by telling them to go to yoga everyday, and if not, they can’t enter rest. The slave master has told people of faith to serve like slaves at churches or temples, to the point of exhaustion….I was there once, when I was a teenager. I would go to church at 7am, “do worship practice”, teach sunday school at 9am, lead worship at 11am, then I had youth group leader leadership meeting sometimes until 5pm.

This slave mentality took me through my time in the fashion industry, into entrepreneurship, but finally, God set me free.

He taught me how to be a child again.

Up until then, I defined my worth by how much I could accomplish. Growing up in a single parent home made me want to achieve more, somehow I needed to prove myself and help my family. If I could become someone or something, then I would be worth loving. 

This slave mentally has the whole world bound.

Most Christians don’t even understand the Gospel because it is attached with “and make sure you serve at church”. 

Not everyone is called to serve at church. Not everyone is called to serve yogurt at snack time.

If the Gospel means Jesus has freed you 100% and totally, you are a free person. You don’t need to do anything out of obligation, if it’s not desired in your heart, it’s not from God because God wouldn’t force you to do anything.

“Well, I should want to feed the homeless right?”

No, because God does not give the same desires to everyone. Maybe you are called to write music because it will heal souls. There is no better way or prescribed path for everyone.

I personally love traveling but I realize that traveling is often a way for me to feel like a free person, that anything is possible….that I am not bound by time, money, or location.

But I can feel free now by realizing that “there is nothing to do, nowhere to be”- why?

Because Jesus paid it all.

It is finished.

There is nothing to do because it is finished. I am complete. I am not lacking, I am whole in Christ Jesus. When God sees me, I’m not a work in progress, I’m righteous and whole.

There is nowhere to be because going there wouldn’t make me more whole or complete, I am complete now. 

It has taken me 30 years of my life to truly grasp this.

I received Jesus into my heart when I was 12, but I grew up going to church. Now, I realize most of what I saw was just a bunch of people trying to please God not knowing that God already accepted them via Jesus’ finished work on the cross. 

This slave mentality exists inside and outside the church. It is a prominent culture in America.

This message of “you’re not enough” will lead to death.

The message of “you are enough because Jesus redeemed you” will lead to life. This message of grace will liberate you and break the chains of slavery that torments your mind.

If you don’t live by grace, you will work and create out of lack and lack is just exhausting. Living out of “you’re not enough” will suck you dry.

When you rest in God, you are drawing out of eternal abundance. There is never a lack of supply.

I pray that these words will set your soul free.

 

Love Is What You Are.

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I wasn’t going to write but my back started itching and it started itching behind knees too. My body is very reactive when I try to block emotions or something I really need to or want to do. Sometimes it’s the “I don’t want to deal with it right now” in me that blocks creativity because creativity is, well confronting and emotional. But you never know what will come.

This morning I had a revelation:

“You will not be defined by your career, work, your friends, your parents, your history, your accolades, your accomplishments, your house, your car, your clothes, your makeup, your speech….you will be defined as love“. 

Love is what you are. 

When you are love, you don’t have to force yourself to serve to show love or be loved, you are love.

You do things out of love because you are pure and untainted love. Thus, you will also choose not to do things that you don’t love or that causes your heart to weep.

There is no guilt or shame, just love.

So then why do we struggle?

We struggle because we do not accept that God loves us unconditionally – because we have been taught by society and perhaps our parents that “love is earned“.

If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get to eat.

If you are not a good girl, mommy won’t give you stickers or toys.

There always seems to be a condition to love and love seems like a business transaction if you grew up that way. A trade, that is what love seems to be in our world. 

There must be a better way- unconditional love.

That seems impossible, not impossible if you accept unconditional love from God. If you continue to receive this love, your heart will expand and cause you to love in impossible ways. 

I have forgiven myself when all I wanted to do was continue punishing myself.

I have forgiven people that hurt and wounded me in deep ways.

These were impossible things to me, but God opened my heart.

He has continued to show me that His love is unconditional, unending, restful and beautiful. 

If we look at Jesus, He wasn’t defined by people. He wouldn’t even allow people to label Him or force Him to be something He wasn’t because it was not His time yet-  “Then Jesus, realizing that they were about to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself.” John 6:15.

He walked the earth as love. Knowing who He was, He didn’t need people to applaud Him or tell Him who He was, He knew who He was. He didn’t need people to like Him, in fact He was rejected by most and He continued to love even the haters.

That is radical love.

Love is what you are. 

You need not prove yourself, defend yourself, force yourself. You are love, that is what you are. 

In a world of self-promotion, don’t you think living as pure love will naturally attract the right people?

When we serve to be loved or to love, we are acting out of lack and a half empty cup. 

But when we know that we are love, we live out of abundance and an overflowing cup. 

The Father’s Love Will End Your Search for “Enough”

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For many of us, we are taught that “one day you will be enough”.

One day when you find your prince charming and get married, then you’ll be enough (because someone wants you and find you valuable).

One day when you establish your career and make a lot of money, then you’ll be enough (because your worth is defined by the commas in your account).

One day when you contribute to the world by doing philanthropic work, then you will be enough (because your worth is defined by how much you give to the world).

One day when you move out and become independent, needing no one, then you’ll be enough (because you are born a burden to your parents and you are NOT enough when you are born).

All of those, a lie.

Because the search for enough is never ending in this world’s system, if you choose to live in that realm of reality. 

The search ends when you accept and believe that God has made you enough, that you are whole because Jesus took the place for your “not enough” and credited to your account who He is- perfect and “enough”. 

You are, perfect and enough in His eyes. 

There is something settling about finding your place in God’s embrace, when He speaks over you “you are enough”.

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Even though your parents, your surroundings, your peers might not find you to be enough, you sink deeper into His unending “enough”. There is an overflowing enough where your burdens are light and your responsibilities little.

All He has called you to is to rest and allow your burdens to become His.

Those burdens seem to vanish quickly, sinking into His love.

Why is it that many of us are cute and unconditionally loved when we are children, but when we grow up it seems that love is limited? 

Because people encounter disappointments after disappointments in their own life…..and they push hopes and dreams on you, hoping that you’ll BE THE ONE to make them happy. 

They hope that MAYBE you’ll give them the hope they need to continue dreaming and living, maybe you’ll be the one to save them.

The truth is only God can do that. Yes, you can give people hope, you can encourage them, but the true responsibility falls to the maker. 

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Who is the only one that knows you intimately, the one who formed you in your mother’s womb. We find peace and relaxation in His arms, knowing that He is taking care of us. Like a baby, we can sleep in peace and wake in peace.

We understand that it is His job to feed us, to nurture us, to protect us. 

But many of us did not grow up that way, so we continue to live in fear. We live like orphans without a daddy. We become independent in the physical and material realm but still hoping that someone will tell us “I’m proud of you”, “you’ve made it”, and “you are worthy of my love”. 

The truth is, no amount of verbal encouragement will ease the pain and void of not enough…only the embrace of the Father…can we find true ease. 

 

“So it’s okay to come out of hiding now, I know you have been through hurts and disappointments.

I know people have failed you, but my love will never fail you. I will guide you and protect you. I will not leave you or forsake you. I will not disgrace or humiliate you. You are safe under my wings and protection. Come out my hidden ones. It is your time to shine. Come out my beautiful children. I am your Father. I will never hurt you. Come out beautiful children of mine, kings and queens of this earth and the heavenly realms”.

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Prophetic Word: “God Hasn’t Forgotten You – Your Life Is Going To Explode”

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I don’t know who this is for but like me you may have gone through the wilderness of waiting and becoming….and hope deferred sometimes makes the heart sick…and maybe in the process you became angry and upset, you stopped hoping or dreaming, you saw other people flourish and you asked God “how about me?”

And maybe these people who were flourishing didn’t even know God, maybe they cheated others and had evil intent….they look like they are flourishing in the world, but are they really? No. God be the judge of things, but when you are filled with evil intent, you can’t truly be flourishing even when it looks like you are externally successful.

God hasn’t forgotten you. It is coming! You dreams are coming true. You do deserve happiness. Don’t give up. “I will make sure you will bear more children (dreams) than those who have a husband (the natural, works)”. God will supernaturally work miracles that no man or woman can ever do in their own flesh or efforts. Praise God! Sing barren women. You will no longer be barren.

I have been going through a process of redeeming my desires. For so long, I felt like I had to deny my desires. In the waiting season, I had to wait and just be with God. Though it was wonderful and healing, I felt a part of my heart develop some anger. I wanted the waiting to be over and I was angry that I had to wait that long. 

How come other people get to just get on with their lives? They don’t seem that dysfunctional God.

Don’t compare your process.

It’s time to let go of what you thought it should have looked like, it’s time to let go of the anger and the bitterness, it’s time to let go of expectations….because the the truth is GOD IS ABOUT TO WORK MIRACLES IN YOUR LIFE and NO MEN OR WOMEN will be ABLE TO TAKE CREDIT.

That is what He wanted all along, to DO MUCH MORE than you can with your earthly mind or hands. 

Yes, others have “flourished” externally with their own efforts, but what God is about to do doesn’t require any effort because it’s based on HIS LOVING GRACE TOWARDS YOU. HE WAS SAVING YOU ENERGY AND TIME because HE IS THAT GRACIOUS! 

Your life is about to explode. You just need to believe that you deserve it. You just need to allow your heart to receive.

This is my verse for the year. I believe that God wants to BE GLORIFIED in your life and that’s why HE IS GOING TO SHOW UP IN THE BIG WAY for those that BELIEVE in HIS ALL ENCOMPASSING GRACE. Then we will point to GOD, HE DID IT!

Isaiah 54 The Message (MSG)

Spread Out! Think Big!

54 1-6 “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
    Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
    than all those childbearing women.” God says so!
“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
    Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
    drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
    for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
    you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
    Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.
You’ll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
    and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
    his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
    known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
    and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
    and then left,” says your God.

7-8 Your Redeemer God says:

“I left you, but only for a moment.
    Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
    but only for a moment.
It’s with lasting love
    that I’m tenderly caring for you.

9-10 “This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
    I promised then that the waters of Noah
    would never again flood the earth.
I’m promising now no more anger,
    no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
    and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won’t walk away from you,
    my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.”
    The God who has compassion on you says so.

11-17 “Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
    I’m about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
    construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
    and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
    what a mentor for your children!
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
    far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
    far from terror—it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
    don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
    nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
    who fires up his forge
    and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
    but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
    will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
    I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
        God’s Decree.

How To Overcome Lack Forever

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I was having a conversation with someone at a sandwich shop today. I asked him what his dream was.

It often comes down to this “………………..but maybe one day, when I win the lottery or something”.

I can tell you that entrepreneurship, saving money, having retirement or having a million dollars in the bank is the way to true happiness, but that would be a lie. 

True happiness is finding stability in the love of God, who is both your Father and your Provider. 

I can tell you I have met people who make $20,000 a month and still live in fear. Because their trust is in money and not in God. 

We always wonder why people in 3rd world countries often seem happier, they don’t have Iphones but they are content; they are happy.

I was on a pathway of accumulating things, trying to be more in the world’s eyes. When God told me to sell everything and follow Him; it was hard. But there I lay at the altar, rent money was late and I had $200. There, God said “give the $200”.

I didn’t want to.

But I heard it loud and clear “whose house are you building, yours or mine?”

I realize that I had been so set on my own goals and dreams (thinking that was what God wanted) that I had pigeon-holed God into my own plans. When I submitted and surrendered that $200, miracles didn’t show up right away. But it was an act of surrender, it was an act of saying “God you first”. 

I went through years and seasons of surrender where I felt stripped away of all that I was and had, but God had something better in mind.

“Identity”. 

The world wants to pigeon-hole you into this identity of lack. People live out of an orphan identity, they feel like they must hustle for everything and if they are not doing anything, then they must force themselves to.

It’s a rat race, for what?

When I started to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I got things without asking for them. I sat on my throne, I learned my identity as princess and queen in God’s kingdom. 

More than anything, I gained confidence in my God. I no longer constantly feared lack or feared that I had to fend for myself. I did go through trials and extreme testing where I had to lean on God for provision even on my travels. One time I was literally on an island when God sent provision.

My identity isn’t based on what I have or even what I have accomplished anymore, my identity is in the Lord Jesus. He crowned me with glory and because of His death on the cross, He gave me His inheritance. 

What I’ve learned is that HE ABSOLUTELY resources those that seeks to build His kingdom. Are you willing to let go of your own plans and allow the God of this universe to heal you, equip you and empower you to set people free? It is the most rewarding work in this world. 

But more than anything, it’s about being a child of God. God has opened my eyes to spiritual reality and I’m in awe of who I have become because of His work in me.

Prophetic Word: Green Light

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I heard God say “Green Light”. It’s green light time, it’s not red or yellow light, it’s green.

However, God is training up people who will respond to their intuition or the holy spirit. There are many people who have become complacent and no longer hear, they’ve become numbed by the news and only care about what people think.

In this season, you will need to be alert, you will need to jump when you hear it, you need to move with the holy spirit, you need to be one with God. You can’t doubt whether It is God, if you feel it, move. 

God showed me that there were people around me that had hidden agendas, and God told me move out of those situation. You will need kingdom minded people around you only, this is not the time to play games! 

Why? There is danger everywhere, but you need to protect your anointing, your space and become alert so that you can move with the glory of God. When there are people around you that have hidden agendas, you can’t hear clearly as it becomes excess noise. 

God is raising up sons and daughters that will follow Him even when it is OUT OF THE NORM/BOX, even if OTHER PEOPLE will condemn or accuse them because of it, even if they will be outcasted….why, because they move in IDENTITY. THEY KNOW they are the sons and daughters of God and NOTHING will shake them!

God gave me a word in December, but things have shifted since then. I felt like God was saying “it’s not time yet”. Sometimes God will prolong a season because the people that need to receive you are not READY yet. He is preparing every detail.

It is GREEN light in the spirit every single day, as you move and live, follow your gut, it is Holy Spirit speaking.