Do You Like Yourself? My Journey Of Finding Wholeness

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Happy Valentine’s day.

I used to have boy crushes growing up. I had these unhealthy obsessions of male celebrities and I had quick soul ties with men. I was just boy obsessed. I didn’t grow up with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 8 and we moved to Los Angeles from Taiwan. From then on I didn’t see my dad until I was 18 years old when I went to Taiwan. He looked like a stranger, an old man. But he was related to me, but a pure stranger. 

It took several visits for me to finally forgive him and let go of my “ideal childhood”. I grew up with severe depression because I just felt sad that I didn’t grow up with my dad. This cloud over my mind and being affected every area of my life.

But I didn’t know it stemmed from hopelessness….that hopelessness of feeling unwanted, abandoned, rejected, uncherished.

I grew close to God. I would journal and talk to God, but I felt far away from Him too. Sometimes I felt like I had to achieve and perform to please Him.

It took years and years for me to see that God is pleased with me, He doesn’t need me to please Him, that’s why Jesus died on the cross for me. His love is constant and unchanging, totally unconditional and totally overflowing. 

I tried to find love in a potential boyfriend. I fell into relationships out of convenience or for the pure desire for companionship. Though our desire for companionship is God-willed…our neediness isn’t. 

Our neediness is a reflection of the God-void in our hearts.

We all desire God, but we just don’t know it.

Fast forward from my teens to now (I just turned 30 years old, the age where everyone expects that you should have everything together)….I don’t need a man.

I really don’t. I do desire marriage and a life partner but I have never felt more complete than now. 

Because throughout the last 3 years, God would whisper “you are enough”. Every time I felt like I was not enough, I was lacking, I didn’t have this or that….every time I felt inadequate or unable, every time I felt like I was gaining weight or accused….whatever it was, it would come down to “you are enough”. 

That’s why I am enough and I don’t have a need for anything or anyone else but God.

God totally and completely completes me. 

In Him I am enough. 

I am so blessed to have come to this revelation in my life. I hope that this fact of “you are enough” will open your heart to the Only One who can give you love, unconditional and everlasting.

PS- is it easy? No. It’s not always easy to stay in that knowledge when everyone around you tells you you are not enough, but that is why I have found “alone time” to be most vital. Alone time helps me recuperate from the words of family members, it gives me time to receive from God and to be loved by God even when the world around me attacks me.

The best gift I received today, from myself….is alone time. I feel like I can breathe again. Though it is nice to spend time with loved ones, alone time helps me find my heart again especially when others have their own issues to deal with.

With love, Rebekka – Hugs!

When you are enough, you can rest and be loved.

When you are enough, you don’t feel rushed to be more.

When you are enough, you grow in beauty and wisdom.

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The Greatest Showman & My Personal Odyssey

Yesterday I was compelled to watch The Greatest Showman. I heard the movie in my mind all day before I watched it.

Who knew it was like a personal revival in my heart. I’ll try my best not to include any spoilers. This post might make more sense if you have already watched the movie.

God breathed powerfully into this movie, into the songs, into the story. It is anointed, I know this for sure.

The arts, media, and movies are indicators and representations of our times. Whatever comes out, whether “good” or “bad” are often indicators of what is happening in our hearts and society. The arts are direct reflections of what humanity is going through, longing for and experiencing in the physical and spiritual realm.

That is why this movie was so reflective of my personal Odyssey and I believe also for many in this world.

As you know I have prophesied that we have been going through birthing pangs in our micro and macro lives but 2018 is the RELEASE of God’s fire in this world. God is releasing those who have been in HIDING (those who have been rejected as well) into the world and I am one of those. I have been in the wilderness season for over 2 years where God was building my inside, my identity. 

During that time I was accused on all ends (like the people who opposed the Barnum circus/museum).  I was not honored or appreciated….and this was also before those 2 years. I was always the outcast and never really fit in.

Like Joseph in the Bible, I experienced imprisonment, rejection by the family and the world around me. I experienced disappointment and hopelessness, losing everything, losing hope and feeling like my dreams would never come true. 

I also experienced a lost of self before the 2 years. I ran and strove after everything I thought I needed (like PT Barnum in the movie) to prove that I was enough. And it took God’s voice for me to loose my grip on everything. In this case, it was like when everything burned down for PT.

And many of you have experienced this…you’ve lost everything and you’ve questioned why. 

You used to have dreams, but the world rejected you.

You used to be proud of your ideas, but after the world laughed at you, you grew ashamed of yourself. Will anyone ever accept me? you ask.

You put your heart out there, gave it your all, but it still wasn’t enough. They left anyway, they treated you like crap.

Every song in this movie is an embodiment of these questions and the answer is “you are enough”. 

There is a moment in the movie where the bearded lady belts out a song, in fierce defiance of what the “elite” thought of her….it’s just powerful, it’s what we need in this world….people who are not ashamed of who they are, people who come out from hiding.

I could relate.

In all the hardships, dejection, rejections, and accusations throughout my life, I often questioned myself. I wondered if there was something truly wrong with me and if I would ever be celebrated for who I was.

There was a part of me that went into hiding because the world was unsafe.

I numbed my emotions and became “even keeled”. I didn’t laugh much and neither did I cry much. I was not reactive to anything that was going on around me. If someone yelled at me, I stayed silent. If someone praised me, I couldn’t really smile. My emotions were constipated. 

Numbing my emotions was my way of protecting my heart. 

That’s why before my big breakthrough, I had to cry a lot first. I had to weep. I had to really let it out.

Crying gave my heart strength. Crying said to my heart “you are worth it, I value you, I value your emotions, I value who you are”.

True strength is REALLY experiencing EVERY emotion that you heart feels.

Because the truth is, it really hurts, it’s painful….but it’s worth it.

Truly living means experiencing EVERY single emotion that life brings your way. We can’t be afraid of our emotions because joy is one of those emotions…and so is pain, disappointment, fear, etc. 

But if we are brave enough, our lives become rich.

I woke up from a dream where I was singing and I could feel the fire of God on the inside of me. I feel my spirit rising and I see the rejected coming out of hiding. 

If you are one of those, know that the hand of God is on you. 

2018 is your year. Mark my words. I have gone through too much to back down now. Though I don’t know the specifics of what 2018 holds, but I know God holds 2018.

I think it’s so interesting that Keala Settle has such a fear of stepping out in real life, because as you watch this video, you feel the strength of her stepping out. May you step out too, the world needs you.

If you have been blessed by this blog and me, consider sowing a seed as you will reap much more than you have sown in good soil. This is GOOD SOIL. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Galatians 6:7

Sow A Seed Today

Who Did Jesus Heal?

Kat+Lia

As I was sitting in front of someone who was physically there but not mentally there, I thought to myself….this person could be set free right now but she doesn’t see the miracle that can happen right now, instead she is focused on her problems. 

I had a dream where I was sweeping up the food that someone made a mess of under the table of an art gallery. I said “what a mess!” Why would anyone leave a mess like this in a beautiful art gallery!

I was convicted this morning as God gave me a revelation.

“Don’t waste your time on people that don’t want to be healed”. 

Healing is a choice. Everyone has some healing to go through but NOT EVERYONE wants to be healed. In fact, being broken can be comfortable if you have been in it long enough.

I asked God “who did Jesus heal?” It’s a question we rarely ask. 

So I looked up some verses and realized that everyone he healed wanted to be healed. That is why He would ask them “Do you WANT to be well, do you want to be healed?”

Some guy WANTED TO BE HEALED SO MUCH that he had his friends remove a ROOF to get SET FREE by Jesus! One woman literally crawled on the floor (imagine public floors, EWWWW) to touch the hem of Jesus’ clothes to be HEALED.

Like HOW BADLY did they want their HEALING! 

So why do we throw the pearl of GREAT grace to pigs who DO NOT see it as precious? And why do we try so hard to PUSH people to realize they are broken.

OMG. There are people who would DO anything to get healed!!! WE don’t have TIME to waste on people who don’t want to change.

CHANGE IS A CHOICE and not everyone wants to change. 

“But the news about Him was spreading even farther, and large crowds were gathering to hear Him and to be healed of their sicknesses” Luke 5:15.

I have the anointing to impart abundance to people but when I mention that they are living in a spirit of lack, they are sometimes so offended they don’t want to hear what I have to say. Sometimes, I meet people who are inspired by my testimony and when I am about to say something that will shift their perspective and change them forever….all they want to do is vent about “she said that and he said that”. 

All they want to do is gossip and marinate in feeling bad when the miracle is RIGHT BEFORE THEM. 

“YOU COULD BE SET FREE RIGHT NOW” – I can hear my heart screaming. 

I do the best that I can, but essentially I give them to God and say “I release them to you for they are not my responsibility but yours”. 

13Then Jesus said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? Then how will you understand any of the parables?

14The farmer sows the word. 15Some are like the seeds along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.

16Others are like the seeds sown on rocky places. They hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17But they themselves have no root, and they remain for only a season. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.

18Still others are like the seeds sown among the thorns. They hear the word, 19but the cares of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desire for other things come in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.

20Yet others are like the seeds sown on good soil. They hear the word, receive it, and produce a crop—thirtyfold, sixtyfold, or a hundredfold.”- Matthew 13:18-23

Who did Jesus heal?

Jesus healed people who WANTED to be healed and He also healed people who were demon possessed, who were unable to decide for themselves because well, demons had possessed them. Usually people would bring them to Jesus to be healed. Though He traveled and met people to bring them out of their own misery, people also swarmed to Him for healing. 

So do you truly want to be healed, or do you want to keep feeling sorry for yourself?

Do you want to be healed, or do you actually want revenge for the hurt people have caused?

Do you want to be healed, or do you want to keep venting and own the right to vent?

Do you want to be healed, or do you want to own the control of your pain? Because when God heals you, you need to hand over the pain, the brokenness- you need to hand over your heart; not just half a heart, but your whole heart. 

People in ministry, coaching, therapy, teaching, etc….we are doing something wrong when we are focusing on people who don’t want to change or be healed. Being unhealed is a choice. Yes, we are all works in progress but there are many people who actually don’t DESIRE change or healing. So invest your time wisely.

Ask them “do you want to be well?” 

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I realize I don’t often make it easy for others to contribute, but I realize there is power in sowing a seed in good soil and there is also power in sowing so you can experience God’s fullest abundance. And I need to make it possible for people to contribute so that they can participate in God’s movement.
So if you would like to sow a seed in this ministry and you have been blessed by my videos! Thank you and God bless!

As you give, you will receive God’s multiplication! 

Make A Contribution Today!

 

It’s Okay To Grieve The Last Season

It's Okay To Grieve The Last Season

It’s okay to grieve the last season. Maybe you lost some friendships, relationships in your life. Maybe you were disappointed. God is not scared of your emotions.

God wants your emotions.

He wants you to be honest with Him.

Don’t be afraid to FEEL the FEELINGS. 

We are not robots, we are human beings.

Even though our emotions aren’t always based on the truth of who we are, perhaps people accused us or we’ve been rejected and they are speaking lies about you….but it still hurts.

It’s okay to FEEL THE FEELINGS. 

Yes, there is a hope and a future for 2018 but maybe you haven’t processed the feelings of pain and loss. Take this time now to grieve, to cry.

You can’t possibly feel joy if you haven’t processed the pain. 

The death of something requires a grieving process. God can soften the pain, God will certainly be your comforter.

He wants to walk with you through the pain. 

“Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them. He said: 3“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”….Matthew 5:1-4

So cry those tears, cry until your heart doesn’t feel blocked anymore.

Then you can start to see clearly what 2018 is about. Yes, your breakthrough is here. You just need to cry out the last season. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to surrender. God has your back, He hasn’t forgotten you. He has a great plan for you this year. I promise.

But it’s time to LET GO and surrender. Let it ALL out.

God loves you.

A Blog Post For Children of Divorce

Divorce is awful to the people who divorce, but even worse for the children.

We are the invisible children who often suffer in darkness. 

But Asian culture makes it about invalidating the pain…”you should be grateful you know, that you weren’t abandoned, that a parent even took care of you” (like we are burdens instead of gifts in this world). These are the words you hear when you grow up in an Asian household. You are also taught to pretend like nothing is wrong. You are taught to hold your breathe and put on a mask. 

Because it is shameful, divorce. 

So there are seasons of my life where I feel pangs in my heart that I can’t explain, that I can’t pray away. It’s God healing the layers of pain that can’t be explained with words….it’s suffering in injustice and peeling off the hidden layers of protection, it’s trying not to drown and holding onto the cross, it’s looking up from under the ocean, every time God heals me…slowly swimming closer to the surface where I can finally breathe and laugh again.

It’s God unlocking chains that have held me down too deep, too many contracts and agreements that I didn’t agree to, that I was born into.

I didn’t agree to this. I break it off, I break off every lie that I was born into.

I break off every pain that tore through my heart, I break off the shame and the guilt that wasn’t mine.

It’s not your fault you know, if you were a child of divorce. You were a child who needed protection, not the other way around. You couldn’t possibly shield your parents from pain, you couldn’t have stopped the move, you couldn’t have because you were a child who needed protection.

So don’t feel guilty for not having done more. Even now it’s not your fault. You were a helpless child. 

Children of divorce often grow up with too much on their plates and they often continue to take on more than they can handle, sacrificing their own happiness to make others happy. Because I’ve caused enough hardships. I was a burden on her or him. My very life is a mistake. 

You are not a mistake, you are a gift from God. You were born into a tragic story but you were born as a brilliant idea of God, you are a gift and you are gifted.

No wonder some people live in rejection even until they are gray and old.

“No one will ever love me”- says he or she…”I’m not worthy of love”.

I wish I could tell you that this world is perfect, but it’s not. We are born into an imperfect world that needs redemption.

God is redeeming me everyday. Some seasons are heavier where I am faced with the wounds in my heart caused by thousands of stabbing.

There are layers and layers of protection and false bandages that children of divorce use. There are guilt trips and false shame.

Some of us live normal lives not recognizing or accepting that we have been wounded. These unrecognized wounds become unhealthy and destructive patterns in our lives. Sometimes we drown it with addictions like alcohol, sometimes we drown it by working hard and making money (and we are applauded for that, society looks up to that), sometimes we drown it with relationships and codependent friendships, sometimes we drown it by constantly being alone or constantly being with people.

It’s not about you, parents. This post is not about you. This post is about us children. We get to have a space to be ourselves, we are not guilt tripping you.

We get to have feelings, we get to have emotions. We are human, we are not an accessory to your lives. We were not born to be cute or helpful. We were born for God and FROM GOD. We were not born to satisfy or a fulfill a life you didn’t live, we were not born to be your source of love. We were born for God and from God. 

The responsibility to take care of wounded parents seem to last a life time, but it’s not supposed to. Children of divorce are not supposed to feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.

We are supposed to move on into healthy relationships and have healthy opinions of ourselves. 

But many of us still live under shame and guilt. We feel guilty for being born, we feel guilty for creating a mess, even though it’s not our mess. We feel guilty for being a burden. 

So God set us free.

Set us free from the lie that we are not enough.

Set us free from the lie that we are a burden and not a gift.

Set us free from shame. Set us free from feelings of unworthiness.

Set us free from the lie that we will never be happy and that we don’t deserve to be happy.

I have carried burdens that aren’t mine for too long and I need healing too. This is a space I get to be honest and myself. This is a space I get to be loved. Some people tell me “it seems like you are blaming your parents” or I hear “you shouldn’t write about it” ….but is silence better? Is it better to live in a world where everyone just pretends to be fine and dandy?

Why don’t we get to have feelings? 

If I don’t write about it, who will. Who will break the silence?

Who will shine light on the invisible children? Who will remember the forgotten ones? The children who grow up into adults but still live as rejects.

Most people will not see it, but God sees and He cares. He cares for every wound in your heart, He cares about every tear that you cry. He wants to set you free.

A prayer of release (read this out loud)- Dear God, from today on I break off any lies and contracts that were made on my soul and spirit the day I was born. I was born into imperfection and sin, but Jesus died on the cross for me to be righteous in your eyes. I am enough. I am loved by you. I am not a reject. I break off any responsibilities that are NOT mine.

From today on, I am a free person, I get to live my own life. I am not tied to my parents’ divorce, I am not a child of divorce any longer. I am a child of God. Now you are my parent, you take care of me, you protect me, you guide me. You have always been there for me, even when I felt like an orphan. I now remember that I am royalty, I was born to reign and not to suffer in silence. 

I forgive my parents and I forgive myself for carrying burdens that aren’t mine.

I am a free person! There is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Jesus, in Jesus name Amen.

You Are Already In Your Promise Land

I received the revelation that “I’m already in my promise land” when I watched Toure Roberts’ message last night. Thank you PT!

I was having a lot of spiritual warfare and nightmares where the devil was trying to choke me or stop me, but when I heard that “I was already in my promise land” and that is why the enemy is doing everything he can to stop me, I was filled with joy.

Yes, right. What was my promise land anyway?

I stepped into my calling and owned my identity, that’s my promise land. Nothing around me really changed, I didn’t move (Yet), I didn’t have an increase in finance or an immense amount of material increase, NO ONE around me promoted me or gave me a life changing opportunity….but what did God increase IN ME? 

God increased BOLDNESS in my faith.

God increased PEACE and SPIRITUAL AUTHORITY IN ME.

I also finally had the BOLDNESS To STEP into my calling as a prophet/preacher/pastor- ppp.

I didn’t go to seminary, no one ordained me. But the Holy Spirit pushed a button within me, God activated me and said “It’s time” after a LONG TIME in the wilderness. I spent about 2 years just resting and in hiding while God was healing my heart.

I didn’t need anyone’s approval anymore even though the struggle was REAL on the outside even with family member’s asking me why I haven’t gotten a REAL job.

Last time someone asked me that I firmly replied “I am a prophet, I work for God”.

And I didn’t feel insecure about it anymore. Because I literally have the responsibility of LIFE and DEATH on my hand, I have peoples’ lives and blood on my hands.

There are people who are set free from bondage because of the power of God, and this is more than the immediate and temporary relief of human opportunity.

God’s power is life changing.

It releases people from the grips of death, suicide, depression, rage, unforgiveness, poverty, lack, generational curses, infirmity, disease, cancer, addiction, and pure evil. There are evil spirits that roam the earth everyday, suppressing, oppressing and lying to people.

God can set you free. Jesus is the only way. I’m no longer afraid to speak boldly because I know the other side and only darkness resided there.

No One Can Be Your Everything

Islandof Zen (1)

It sounds unromantic, but it’s realistic. 

Your girlfriend or boyfriend can’t be your everything. Your wife and husband can’t be your everything. Your friends or family can’t be your everything.

Because everything is perfect and no one is perfect. Imperfect people will soon disappoint you if you placed your hopes and dreams on just one person. 

Yesterday I went to a forgiveness class and there was a questionnaire that asked something along the lines of :

“I am angry at_______because of___________” From 1-5 level forgiveness level.

I put down family members and noticed a theme.

Everything stemmed from my absent father. He was physically and emotionally absent for 10 years and even before then my parents were already separated. So I lacked the emotional support of a father and my mother was also very emotionally absent from me. 

So I started looking for that emotional support somewhere else, friends. 

But when they said the wrong thing, set their own boundaries, I couldn’t take it. I lashed out, I disappeared just as my father disappeared from my life. That was the only way I knew how to protect myself. 

I let other people step on me or was NICE to people to get what I wanted- their approval. 

Then God took me into a journey of solitude and seeing myself right.

I needed to make God my sole emotional support and to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I’m not SAYING we don’t need people, because people help us, support us…in the right ways…..

BUT when we are looking for approval from people—-they will surely anger and disappoint you. Approval doesn’t come from people. God has already approved of you. He says “you are enough, you are worthy of love”.

Everyone has bad days. If we look for approval and put unjust burden on them to take care of us when they are incapable of even taking care of themselves—-we become codependent. 

Codependency.

This happens when we make people God. People are not God. People are imperfect.

See yourself right. You’re not perfect. You will disappoint others. You were not put on this earth to please people nor become a God for them. In fact you HURT them by taking their own emotional responsibilities. 

  1. Awareness
  2. Releasing the Past

So last night I had to come to terms with my past. Yes I reconciled with my dad, yes I forgave him and myself…but did that mean everything changed? No. He was still physically and emotionally absent from my life. Things didn’t change. I didn’t magically become close with him nor did I magically have a happy childhood filled with moments where I shared my heart with my dad. 

A moment of grief.

A moment of acceptance.

I said “I accept that this is the reality and I’m accepting it because you God are my everything and I want to share my heart with you”.

Now I can truly let go. I can’t change the past nor can I really change this relationship by myself and it’s okay. It’s okay because God’s got me.

Now I need to be the biggest cheerleader for myself….and it’s taken me years to realize that. As I backpacked through the caves of Malaysia and traversed the jungles of Ecuador, climbing mountains in Taiwan I would hear God whispering to me. I was scared at times, lying awake with no one to talk to with deathly food poisoning, thousands of miles away from home. Yes, I didn’t have much of an emotional support, but there I was – “am I enough for you?” I heard my own soul ask. 

You are enough, you are enough. It’s okay.

There was this theme in my questionnaire- “people didn’t support me in my dreams”.

And I remember all the people who felt utterly alone in their dreams – Abraham, Joseph, etc…and all the tech companies that no one believed in in the beginning. LOL.

Do YOU believe in your dreams? 

Allow others to be themselves. You don’t need everyone to believe in your dreams for you to pursue them. Think of it as a secret in your heart, a baby you are feeding. It is exciting and you may want to share it with the world but sometimes the world is not ready for such a magical thing.

Sometimes you might meet a few rare gems who will stand beside you. Don’t make them your everything. Everyone has their own journey to walk and sometimes it’s through a dark and cold alley. God will walk with you through those alleys. He will never leave you.