I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Let’s Talk About Dating!!!!!

When I was young, I was taught that God will just bring your husband.

You just had to sit there and wait.

LOL.

But what God has taught me in the last few years is that when you have triggers and issues related to men (for me) since I did not grow up with my dad and had many fears about marriage— God will graciously bring what you need to heal those wounds.

God has brought me many divine appointments to show me that there are good men out there. He has taught me how to communicate and relate to a male. He has shown me why some males have trouble communicating their emotions and what they struggle with.

Here were my fears –

  1. That someone will disappear and walk away (a fear of loss).
  2. I felt that people didn’t care about me, and instead of conveying how they felt….they disappeared (again).
  3. That if I got emotionally close to someone and it was a male, they had to be my future husband….because if I got close to someone who wasn’t my husband then well, they’d end up liking me or vice versa…and that was ultimately bad…since you would have to separate from each other. So better not to take the chance. And also because I had a close guy friend that I thought liked me, but ultimately got a girlfriend (so I read the cues wrong but God protected me).

What I have learned to do in the last years-

  1. Tell a guy if I liked him or was attracted to him. Be vulnerable and tell him how I felt even if he did not like me back. This has helped me to overcome any fear of rejection. 
  2. Tell a guy if he was not my future husband and brace the reactions, even if it was bad.
  3. Tell the truth at all times. 

So I think churches don’t teach that stuff at all. 

Churches teach “avoid” at all costs. They don’t teach honesty. They don’t teach people how to confront issues and bring up the issue. What I learned from church was “just avoid dating. Only date the guy if he’s going to be your husband”.

Dating is really about getting to know a person. If after a date, or a coffee date….he is not what you’re looking for, it’s okay to tell the truth and move on! Perhaps a lot of people are scared to date because they’re scared of rejection or getting their heart broken.

Dating isn’t about avoiding the truth, it’s about telling the truth! Some people are scared to date because they’re scared to hurt someone….so they just disappear or ghost and there are a lot of unresolved issues because of that. 

I’ve seen that the more honest and direct you are, the better.

Some people settle because they think “this is good enough”.

But you deserve the BEST! 

So why not put yourself out there. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about living in freedom and expressing love.

I have told plenty of people that they are attractive or that they are kind and loving. I have told people that they are amazing. Why not? And I’ve been vulnerable too, and I’ve been hurt. But why live with fear?

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Grace For Straight Men

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I realize I have more grace for gay men than straight men. Oh, they’re fun, they’re relatable, they don’t hurt me.

There you go, they don’t hurt me.

Straight men do. 

They follow me while I’m walking on the street, slowly creeping up in their car.

Gay men hug me and tell me that they love me. They celebrate me, they freely give me compliments. They don’t try to sleep with me. There you go, it’s safe.

Straight men don’t give compliments that freely. They don’t tell you how they feel, they suppress their emotions. Then 2 weeks later they text you after you told them “you’re not my husband, I’m sorry, but I have to move on” and tell you “I want you”.

I felt like a piece of meat, a commodity.

I felt dirty.

Ew. Is that what I am?

It feels gross. Some people might like it, but I don’t. I want a guy to tell me how he feels. I want a guy to say “I really appreciate that you care for people, I appreciate how you persevere in spite of challenges, I admire your boldness, I admire how fearless you are, I love the way you follow God without hesitation, I love your personality, I love how you’re not afraid to be vulnerable”. 

I don’t want him coming at me 2 weeks after I already told him goodbye – “I’m physically attracted to you”.

You can be attracted to anyone! How am I different then? 

I have told people that I am waiting until marriage to have sex, yet they still come at me like that. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND! 

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

So I realize that a lot of the men I meet remind me of my dad, something, a little thing, it could be so little, but sometimes so big….like drinking, and then calling me while drunk, to me it’s disrespectful. There’s a lack of respect there. Or even needing to drink to relax or to say what’s on their mind. I mean I used to drink a lot more in my twenties but God has healed my heart so that I don’t need alcohol to cope.

I KNOW IT WAS GOD! GOD SET ME FREE!

But what I want for my husband, that’s a different story.

Because that’s who I am going to be with for the rest of my life. They have to come as is.  Not an addict, only an addict to Jesus, vulnerable, says what’s on his mind, a great communicator, gentle, patient.

Of course he’s not going to be perfect, but I want him to treat me like a gay man would. He would hug me and says he loves me, and he wouldn’t just want me for my body, but for my soul and spirit. He could have 5 hour conversations with me.

Here’s the test, how emotionally and spiritually are you actually connected with the guy you are with? Can you talk hours on end about similar hobbies, about how you feel, about God, about cultures? Or is it simply about sex?

Because I see too many people connecting on a physical level really have no spiritual or emotional connection.

God designed us to be loved for who we are, not what we can give of ourselves physically. WE ARE NOT TOOLS OR COMMODITIES, we are valuable sons and daughters of God. We are kings and queens and we deserve to be treated like it!

We live in a “get off” society that has no patience to talk through the hard conflicts and difference. We are easily offended, we block and unfriend. Trust me I have been there. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are probably a lot of people on your facebook friend list that don’t need to be your friend.

Your inner circle should be people who are on the SAME LEVEL or who is going the same way. Have grace for people of course but stick with people who are headed the same path.

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Thank you for the straight men who have shown me that not all straight men are creepy. Some of you have really shown me that there are good men out there. Thank you for those that sow into this ministry and heal my heart of father wounds. Thank you for those who love me with purity, as a father figure. 

I realize straight men have been taught to be tough, but you don’t have to be…it’s in being vulnerable that you’re able to show the men and women in your life that God’s grace is what upholds you.

You are allowed to cry,

you are allowed to have emotions.

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Even If You Are Heart Broken, You Are Whole.

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How about ‘Open Your Heart- Come Out of Hiding’ as a 2020 resolution

Tell someone how you actually feel
Tell them they hurt you
Tell them you love or like them (even if they don’t reciprocate or don’t feel the same way)
Tell them what your heart was too scared to tell them

God will bring people to trigger you. You may want to be in the comfort of a womb, to be in control, protected…but often times we are protecting our hearts from love because we have been wounded.
It may feel annoying, you may not feel like talking to anyone, you may be wondering why a stranger is talking to you, you may start to feel anxious because you are holding the anger in, you may want to stay asleep and someone wakes you up with noise, you may wonder why someone is attacking you verbally, you may want to crawl in a hole….

But this is all good for you…

I don’t want you to be alone,
I wan’t you to be loved.

Leave me alone you may say,
But I will never leave you alone.

I feel utterly out of control but learning to let go of control and let love in. To respond authentically, not how I should, but how I really feel.

Love is scary.

You may tell someone how you feel and they may reject or judge you, they may lash out because they’re hurt. 

In the last few months I have been telling people how I feel. Sometimes people yell, sometimes they’re hurt, sometimes they respond well.

I never know what to expect. I’ve been severely hurt and wounded. But I’m learning to speak my truth.

I’ve told people that I loved them, that I liked them, and it was not reciprocated.

People have told me they want to have a relationship with me, and I’ve told them I don’t see a future.

I told my mother that it hurt that she told me to stop crying instead of comforting me when I broke up with my boyfriend at the age of 15.

I thought it was wrong to be sad. But I’ve learned sadness is part of life, we need to embrace each emotion, not skip it or say next.

Love is not love if you are only accepted at your best emotion, Love is love when you’re allowed to be yourself at each moment- emotional, sad, angry, bitter.

God accepts us whatever state we are in.

Even then we are enough.

You are whole. You are not lacking. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. You are righteous. Even if you are heart broken, you are not lacking, you didn’t lose a piece of your heart to someone, you are intact.

Remember that vision church teachers gave you? When you’re in love a part of you sticks onto that person, well the truth is grace means you are whole however broken your heart feels. You didn’t lose yourself, though it may feel like it. 

You are still whole,

you are still enough

because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

You didn’t waste time, you didn’t lose yourself, you are still whole. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are on the right path, don’t live in regret, forgive yourself.

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Here’s a fun shirt I saw at the mall, it made me laugh.

I love you all.

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Love Is Not Kept, It Is Experienced

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I heard God say “Love is not kept, it is experienced”.

Sometimes when we lose someone that we loved in our life, we feel like something is missing. You were never lacking, you just experienced love through this person.  You loved and you were loved. That’s divine.

Today I was going to uber somewhere and it malfunctioned. It was already noon and I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch. I decided to take the bus.

When I walked to the back of the bus I was surprised to see a guy I previously met on the bus and ministered to. We talked and I started to feel anxiety because he kept talking about how everything is lacking. I tried to encourage him and I heard God say “don’t try to change him, just get to know him”. Well, how do I do that God when he is speaking from so much lack. I tried to tell him how I backpacked 30 countries and how there is so much in the world, dreams, visions, I wanted him to see the possibilities and not to just live for his grandparents. He would even say “well I don’t go out because then I have to spend money”.

I tried to tell him how I felt, he was like a brother to me. I realize I have the habit of trying to fix someone and I know it’s not my job to, God wants me to understand relationship, it’s about just being with someone. Love is about understanding and accepting where people are at in that moment. You need to love yourself in that way too, wherever you are, whatever state you are in, accept where you are.

The next bus I transferred to had a mentally unstable man. He had a spiderman web tattoo on his hand and AWOL tattooed to the top of his eyes, under his eyebrow. He was talking to himself.

I heard the Lord say “pray for him”, but I kind of didn’t want to. There were other people on the bus across us. Finally I made some comment. I looked him in the eye and asked what his name was. He became normal all of a sudden, I guess that is what human contact does.

He said he does meth sometimes when he is depressed, it helps him clean out.

I asked if he knew Jesus and he said not really. I prayed to cast out the spirit of suicide. He bowed his hands and put his hands together like a prayer emoji. People were watching us.

I finished praying and then he said “can we make out?”

I said “no”.

He said “I can see Jesus looking at us, smiling, saying ‘I am so proud of you two'”.

Then he started to get off the bus, he said “I love you Rebekka”.

I said “I love you two”.

He’s like “this area is just full of crime and stuff”.

Then he was off.

I felt warm in my heart. God, I know I complained when you told me to pray for him, but I get it now. It’s love. Love is to be experienced.

Sometimes we don’t want to put ourselves out there, because it’s scary, but love is to be experienced.

When you’re hurt by someone, it doesn’t mean they took anything from you. You were never lacking. When you’re hurt, when you lose someone, that’s all that is. Life.

Then more love will come, from God, from people, through people, but they are conduits of love, not someone to be kept (to be locked down, to be controlled). They are children of God, images of God, reflections of yourself.

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So while God has been bringing me to different men, to meet, to talk to, to minister to…there are some I am actually attracted to, and I find myself closing my heart because I don’t want to get attached in anyway knowing they are not my future husband…but I realize, it’s not about that, it’s about simply opening my heart to love.

I’m scared that I’ll lose someone and they’ll just disappear, like my dad.

I’m scared that I’ll get attached and suddenly they are not there anymore, and then I’ll have to feel pain. I hate the feeling of pain, no one likes pain. But that’s the beauty of love.

Experience every emotion, and then move through it. Don’t avoid the feeling. Don’t run from it. Embrace it, and then love again.

Don’t live in regret that you got hurt by someone, or that you chose to love someone….

Everything you experienced was love.

Sure, you may not have married your high school sweetheart but every person you loved was an experience of love.

Love is not kept, love is experienced.

I experience love through every stranger I meet.

Sometimes I am deeply hurt by people I minister to or are friends with. Sometimes their words pierce my heart and I want to cry. I do cry. Sometimes I weep. But all of that is my human experience, love experienced.

I never lacked anything or anyone. I don’t lose anything when I lose someone I love, because they were simply an expression of God’s love to me. 

In that way I don’t have to regret any experiences of hurt or love, I don’t have to regret even hurting myself. I learned from it, I learned to love myself.

You don’t have to be afraid of love my friends, open your heart, you will get hurt but you will be loved too. 

You may not be part of my life forever, but you are here to show me a part of God’s love. I receive that and I can freely give love too. You are not taking away anything from me. You are simply receiving love from God through me. We don’t own anyone, we don’t own our family or our friends.

This way, I can freely release you when it’s time to, if I have to. I can allow you to love whoever you choose to love. And when I lose you, I know God will send others too.

When I meet my husband, I can love from a place of abundance knowing I never lacked anyone or love, that I was always whole in God’s eyes. 

Congrats to those who are getting married soon by the way 🙂 Love you!

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When Life Disappoints- Look Up

from coming

“Oh this restaurant is packed” said the handsome man with white socks and sandal.

I mean those sandals, but anyhow he was cute. I suddenly felt light.

Then he walked around the restaurant and walked to his Asian girlfriend. Why do I note the race, I think he was filipino but I mean, I was another Asian girl.

I felt, a little bit depleted. It’s been a few weeks since I met a semi- nice guy but turned out he had issues. I have issues too, sure. But issues I did not want in a husband, so I knew he wasn’t my husband. 

But still, I was disappointed. 

And guess what? I applied for a reality show for dating, I thought, okay let me give it a try. It’s for next summer. I tried applying for it last summer but I was too late.

But God I might meet my husband before next summer right? Anyhow, let’s just try.

The reply was “oh we are looking for 30 and under”.

I thought, “holy crap, I’m too late, I am one year too late”. My mind started spinning, and all of those acting parts are looking for 30 and under. And my chin for some reason is growing. I accidentally opened up an old youtube video of me. 

I’m thinking “gosh I was so confident, what false confidence, I was totally lying”.

But oh I was so skinny and attractive. No lie, these are my thoughts and I know that these are the enemy’s words. But still I hear them, and then I get insecure.

When these situations in life happen you start shutting down, it’s like LEVEL 1 SHUT DOWN, 2, and so forth and before you know it you’re walking around Ross putting stuff in your cart, then throwing them out and not buying anything because it’s not REALLY something material you need but something emotional you’re looking for, and nothing IS RIGHT. And you just walked around for 1 hour looking for that emotional support.

So I finally went home and journaled.

I wrote down-

“God I feel like you don’t care about me”. 

I think when disappointments happen in life, you want “circumstances” to work out the way you want them to work out…..

  1. If only I’d find my life partner
  2. If only I get on this tv show
  3. If only I go to this new place

But those are lies….

Because God is enough for me.

“You know I love you…

You know I care about you.

You know you are the apple of my eye.

Let me romance you. 

I’m here for you. You’re not alone”.

I wrote “I saw a cute guy today, he smiled at me and it turns out he had a GF. When will it be my turn God”.

If I sound desperate maybe it’s because I waited a long ass time for a life partner. I’m even waiting to have sex.

Sometimes we look at life the wrong way. We think that life is about achieving an ultimate goal or getting something, even finding a life partner…but it’s about how we see ourselves. It is knowing how much God loves us as we are, right now (not tomorrow). 

THIS IS HOW I FEEL GOD. I’m disappointed ☹️ . But I’m going to trust that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I’m GOING to trust that you have the BEST IN MIND for me.

I had a dream I was carrying a backpack full of art supplies and these young people came to draw and use the tools I gave them.

Here it is….

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE NOT LACKING”.

“I closed the door because I want you to MOVE FORWARD- DON’T LOOK BACK” 

You are not excited for that because my grace is no longer on it. 

If I’m honest I was reading way too many websites of entrepreneurs that seemed WAY ahead of me, I was watching youtubes of prophets who had thousands of followers while I have like 25, but God bless those 25. It’s The Bex Show if you want to google it, I don’t have the strength to find it right now.

Wherever YOU ARE, you are enough. 

Don’t compare where you are with other people, that’ll only lead to depression (seriously).

Breathe in and out.

Cry if you have to.

You may not be in the same season as someone, but here’s what I know…..You are exactly where you need to be. 

“Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you.” (Eph. 3:20, TPT)

If HE HAS CLOSED A DOOR IT MEANS A BETTER ONE IS GOING TO OPEN! 

Prophetic Word: November 14, 2019-

“MY CHILD It’s NOT OVER YET! The enemy has been fighting hard so you would be discouraged, the enemy wants you to focus on your circumstance but LOOK AT ME, focus your eyes on me. Don’t let your head spin, I am here protecting you, I have plans to flourish you, I have not forgotten you. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hey don’t look back anymore. Don’t even doubt that relationship. Go forward into my arms. Yes I know it’s hard to let go but I am enough for you. It’s time to move out. Do you know that I am enough for you? Will you trust me? My love is overpowering, overwhelming and more than enough.” 

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May this song bring comfort to your heart.

Is He My Husband?

Just a random photo of dogs because I love dogs!

You’ve been heart broken, betrayed- I’ll mend your wounds.

I love you as you are, you are enough.

Your heart wants to go back but you know it’s like poison, there’s better.

When you wait for the best you’ll get the best.

You’ve waited a long time, wondering when, when you’ll meet the one, come I am your one.

I am your husband; I am your father; I am your protector. Do you not know I am here for you? Do you know I’ll whisper sweet nothings to you? Do you know you lack no one?

Jesus

Last night I had a dream my brother said I don’t like Korea and I said at least go to the Korean spa!

I was inside a house and I wanted to go out. The house represents my heart, I wanted to open my heart. A few weeks ago I met this man at the Korean spa. We liked each other but then I knew he wasn’t it.

I said that we could not be together.

Then God had me bump into him again. I was so mad. God you are seriously fucking with me (excuse my language).

I saw him with another woman and thought they were together so I hid. I ran. But then minutes later as I was calling my friend to tell her he said hey.

Wtf God???

I kind of made small talk, set boundaries and he ran off. Sort of. When he was walking away God told me to tell him how I felt.

Seriously God!!?

What’s the point. So I let him know I had to talk to him. He later called and I said- “God told me to tell you how I feel”.

And he replied that he had feelings for me too. That maybe we should hang out.

But then my heart felt better. I didn’t need to know what was next or maybe I would never see him again…

I didn’t realize I felt suffocated on the inside, I felt lack. I felt deprived and heart sick.

Even though he isn’t it, I said what I felt and it was liberating.

I am attractive, I am loved, I am beautiful. I felt that again. Because I felt repressed somehow. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel what I felt.

He might not be it and it may not go anywhere but why don’t you be real and honest? 

Prophetic Word for some who have had a desire to have more external stability-

God may be bringing your life into more external stability as He prepares you for marriage because the heart issues are TOO INTENSE of an UPHEAVAL for you to be dealing with moving around.
 
I know that is what He is bringing me into this SEASON.
 
MARRIAGE is around the corner as GOD OPENS YOUR HEART AND BRINGS YOU TO A PLACE OF VULNERABILITY with the people AROUND you.
You will need to BE HONEST AND OPEN WITH THOSE GOD IS having you BUILD with. 

GIVE TO THIS MINISTRY-

Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes. 

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How To Set Boundaries In Friendships

You have to learn to protect what God has ordained in your life. Not everyone is sent by God and not everyone is supposed to be in your life long term.

I am learning how to set boundaries in my life and writing down what is important to me.

1. I need to honor myself first and foremost. Am I honoring my time, my energy, my being? Am I wasting time on those who simply give me attention, but suck me of my energy? What is the opportunity cost of being friends with this person?

2. Do the friends around me have my best interest in mind? Do they understand my destiny, calling and purpose in life and are they supportive of it? And am I supportive of their dreams? Is the friendship ordained by God?

3. Friends and someone you minister to is different. A friend is on your level. Someone you minister to is someone you help but may not necessarily receive the same level of help.

4. Friendship is a two way street.

One party needs to be open and so does another. It’s an exchange of energy, time, love. If one party has no interest in having an open heart, it’s hard for the other to continue.

5. Vulnerability is most important. It’s important to speak your mind and be honest.

Why do we feed people who don’t feed us back and neglect those who can actually love us.

Many people chase after people who treat them like crap, because they like the attention.

If there is a part of our soul that still desires unhealthy fruit, we will chase after that which is not healthy for us. So God heals the part of us that are broken.

6. Understand and give grace, but remember where you stand.

Some people are for a lifetime but some are for moments. Ask God to show you if that friend is temporary. And some come and go depending on the season, and it’s ok to let go.

7. Recognize codependency– codependency is when there is no boundaries and I often found myself in codependent relationships and God had to show me, it’s okay to pull back and not over give of yourself when that person isn’t reciprocating.

You cannot force someone to give of themselves when it’s not out of desire.

I realize that recently I was becoming codependent with a friend and it was hurting me because I was getting involved unnecessarily in her life and friendships. And it was not my job to help her or fix her friends.

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Thank you so much for your support! Any amount helps and is a seed to bring people to freedom!

Let’s Talk About Love & My Heart

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Write your heart out- I hear the Lord saying.

So I went to get a manicure as it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do. I take a long time to pick the colors I like. Today I took out blue, purple, pink, she started to put purple on and I flinched. I didn’t like the color. I said, can I try blue? After 4 different colors I said I wanted bright pink. She became impatient.

I felt bad for making her mad (even though I waited an extra 30 minutes for my appointment).

Then I had a book of nails and suddenly it fell to the ground, and a bunch of the samples fell out. One of the manicurist had to match the samples one by one back into the book.

Again, I felt bad but kept thinking “I am righteous in Christ Jesus”. I apologized.

Then all of a sudden, I realized I was a perfectionist. Like, I wanted to choose the perfect color but for some reason, I couldn’t find the one I wanted and I try really hard to find the “perfect color” or perfect decisions. 

Then a realization hit me. I had stopped trusting my heart. I totally forgot that I went through a heart break this year. I’m going to be super honest from now on. 

I met a guy in Fiji and really liked him. But it was short lived because we lived in different places (well I live all over the world). In an instant, I thought “f it, I’m just going to love someone and not be afraid to get hurt”.

But of course, like one of those sad romances, there was always an ending. I thought he was going to visit me before he left but then after rushing to his hotel to say goodbye, I learned he had already left because he realized his flight was 5 am in the morning. I was disappointed and thought, well, I actually rushed over like in the movies but in reality, life is not like the movies. 

I also knew that he wouldn’t be my husband because he didn’t believe in Jesus and we were just in very different phases of our lives too, so I knew in my heart that it was not going to last.

Then when I went to India, I met another guy I liked. I said again, I just want to make new friends and we liked each other. Again, I knew I had to go, it was an experience for God to open my heart because I had stopped dating shortly after I broke up with my ex in 2014. In fact, there was a season I didn’t talk to any potential partners, I told God I was going to focus on Him (all my previous attempts to date revealed to me that until I knew my worth, I’d never meet the one who could love me the way God sees me).

I told God “heal me so I can understand what I’m worth and who I am”.

I didn’t want to go searching for love in the wrong places when I was still broken inside. I knew I’d just keep meeting guys who were also broken and searching for love in the wrong places (me, and not God). 

About a year ago, before I started doing ministry God gave me a dream where He was showing me different pictures of men and swiping (like on Tinder)- then I heard Him say “get ready”. I also had dreams where I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and God was preparing me for marriage.

But I kind of thought, God wouldn’t it be so much easier if you just bring that ONE MAN, so I don’t have to get hurt?

God – there is risk in love, no love is without pain. Otherwise it wouldn’t be love. I wanted you to open your heart up to love, love is messy and risky. Love is not a final destination but a journey. Just because you meet that one person doesn’t mean you’ll not have pain in your life. 

No matter what life brings you will need to have an open heart so you can experience both the pain and joys of life. A closed heart does not experience love or pain, it is numb. A closed heart sits at home and never battles disappointment, sadness, anger nor pain…

A hero, a warrior encounters every emotion. She/he doesn’t shy away from the battle called love and life.

You will get angry, you will get sad, you will be disappointed in life.

You will experience all kinds of hardship but all kinds of joys too.

If you are willing to trust God with your heart, He will tend to and care for your heart. He is in charge of taking care of your heart. He never abandons His children. 

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God- Hello Heart,

Heart- Hi.

God- Don’t be afraid of love. I know you’ve encountered heart break.

Heart- I’m tired of being disappointed.

God- Will you let me hold you?

Heart- okay.

God – Don’t be afraid, I’m right here. I won’t hurt you. I’m here always taking care of you. You can cry, let it out.

Heart- I’ve been abused and misunderstood, spat at. People misunderstand me and hurt me.

Jesus- I understand. I’ve been there. I came to save the ones that hurt me. It hurt my heart too. There are people that will hurt and judge you when you’re trying to set them free. They will misunderstand and reject you and in that moment you must remember, you are just like me. In fact I am there with you, hearing the words you are hearing. 

But then you must come to me and let me speak to your heart. Because I will tell you that you are loved and accepted by me, that there is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. 

My love is perfect. I don’t condemn or guilt trip you, I will never turn away from you. I always draw close to you, I will never run away from you. My love is perfect and complete. I will never scorn you for being imperfect. When I see you I only see Jesus, perfection and completion.

My experiences in friendships have often come with “trying to be perfect” for that person. I’d try really hard to always be there for them. I’d initiate and take time to be there for them, but was often taken for granted. I’d withstand being taken for granted and then suddenly have a moment of “THAT’S IT, I’M TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” and suddenly disappear (ghost). I’d unfriend them or block them. That was my habit.

I felt that it was hard to meet people who actually cared for me. I felt that they were often dumping on me emotionally or only coming to me for emotional and spiritual help. Or they would want to “pick my brain”.

I kind of felt like a monkey, you know when a scientist would pick a monkey’s brain?

Later on, I learned to set boundaries and slowly learned to voice my needs and concerns in relationships. First, God would challenge me to ask people for donations. This sparked support and outrage. I had friends that were extremely offended and told me that they were offended. I felt extremely hurt. I said that when they needed help, they often came to me, but when I needed help, it seemed that I didn’t deserve it. 

It outraged me. 

Do you have friends like that? Where it’s constantly one-sided?

Fortunately, God has been mending those relationships lately. He has been showing me that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was simply listening to His instructions. 

I love Jesus because He often tells me to do things outside of my comfort zone but causes me to have healthy relationships in my life.

He longs for us to have relationships that are balanced, not just one-sided. I often felt drained and exhausted by relationships because I was giving so much of myself but was receiving very little of what I needed. It would show up in different areas of my life.

If I was giving too much of myself, I’d experience sickness in my body or shortage of finances. I’d be hosting networking events and be putting my drink on a credit card because I had no more cash. 

The wisdom and knowledge I give to people is worth so much more than money. Freedom cannot be bought by money. Freedom is experienced, often through the hardships we go through.

I am so grateful that God gave me the courage to ask people to sow, whether it’s emotionally, spiritually or financially.

It’s been a long journey. I think if I didn’t know God, I’d never understand my worth. Because there is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear. 

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Healing The Brokenness In Our Hearts

Ugly crying.

Heartache and heartbreak. We try to avoid it but it comes after us. It makes for the best writing and the best songs, the best art, it’s what makes us human. Without it we wouldn’t know vulnerability, we wouldn’t love well.

We don’t love people well when we have closed hearts. Open hearts feel with others. Open hearts allow the risk of being hurt to be present. Closed hearts says “I don’t want to listen to your story because I don’t want to feel what you feel”.

It’s easy to be logical and tell someone to leave their abusive or unloving husband or boyfriend, but to go through it yourself, or to follow your gut and not your heart which often times is tied to brokenness in your soul, that’s another story.

As I’m talking to my friend about heartache I remember this one time years ago where my ex roommate tucked me into my bed. He was my first guy roommate.

I thought it was fine because I had a boyfriend. I was safe because I was taken, I wouldn’t have some type of love affair with a guy I lived with in the same house.

Because I was so broken and didn’t know what love was supposed to be like, I was attracted to men who were emotionally absent. And even physically absent, like my father.

My ex would disappear for days, sometimes not answering my texts or calls. I’ve never been obsessive, I’d send one text and wait patiently for a reply. I’d give up. I’d think “he must be busy”. But my mind would run wild. Where is he? What is he doing? I made excuses for his behavior. I thought it was normal because the fact that anyone was around was enough for me.

3 days would pass.

And the one who was present? My guy roommate. He had his own room FYI. I cried and told him my boyfriend had been ghosting me. I didn’t understand why there was a wall I couldn’t break down. Even when he was present, I couldn’t read his thoughts and he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just a very practical guy. He could fix cars and lights. He could pay for dinner.

He understood instructions, and completed tasks, but when it came to his heart, he was completely illiterate.

My roommate played with bunnies on the grass. I thought he was a bit feminine. He wrote poetry and we would read our writing to each other.

I realized that I often went for guys who were emotionally unavailable because it was safer. I know it’s sound strange. Because emotional openness means telling your truth, and risking having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

It’s easier to shut your heart down completely than to speak your truth and feel those emotions.

My ex would tell me he needed space. “Why can’t you just tell me you need space?” I would say.

My roommate tucked me into my bed as I cried over my boyfriend at the time. Why am I with a ghost when there is flesh and blood here? He told me to breathe as he said breathing brings you back to yourself.

I didn’t understand it. I’d be attracted to a non-present man, while next to me was someone available, someone emotionally open, someone loving.

And my broken soul had to go for the broken man.

Someone I couldn’t attain, someone whose heart was locked with a dead bolt, tripled locked. No amount of prying, questioning, asking, praying seemed to do the job.

The only thing that pried my ex open was me mentioning breaking up.

It was the first time I saw him cry in the 2.5 years we were together. He begged and cried. What can I do to change, he asked. I said I needed to be with someone who believes in Jesus and I want to marry one day.

He said he would go to church with me. Let’s get married now!!

I said, no.

Because those weren’t the factors that prevented us from moving forward- I knew for ages that he wasn’t it, he wasn’t exactly what I wanted as a life partner.

So my heart didn’t want to break up, but my spirit knew – he’s not it. He’s not your life partner.

It’s easy to avoid talking about your emotions, it’s easy to shut down your heart.

What’s difficult is saying how you feel. And finding closure and agreement.

If you’re going through heartache I pray God would give you comfort in this hour. I pray you would know that God is with you.

He loves you dearly.

Give and partner with me- thank you!

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