I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.
My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?
When she left I immediately burst out crying.
Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.
I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”
Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”.
I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.
I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.
God told me “go eat with them”.
I said “no God”.
He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.
Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.
I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.
So with a slightly awkward start I said…
“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”.
They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.
Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.
Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”
Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.
And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.
You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.
But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.
Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.
This morning she was all nice to me.
I think she felt guilty about it.
Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.
What do you have to confront in your life?
I had a dream I told my ex friend-
“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”
I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.
I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.
When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest.
The tears may come, let them come.
Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. Let it all wash away.
Let it all wash away.
It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.
I felt the heat and the anger…
But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.
“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.
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