Destroying Life OCD- My Phone Got Stolen

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Well I was at the Abbey the other day and my phone got stolen when I was dancing. 

I felt a moment of despair, this is what I get for letting my guard down. I was dancing with new friends I met. I was having fun, didn’t have a care in the world. This is what I get?

The Iphone was a gift from a friend, the newest one, I only had it for 2 months. 

I was sad, but the next few days I felt guilt. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like I could have prevented it by listening to God or maybe not going to the club. I was hard on myself. I was mad too. I felt that God had blessed me and taken it away from me. I had plans for the phone. I was going to make more videos and films, I was going to produce things and create more things on there (I feel like this is an analogy of people in our lives…how we plan for things to work out and they don’t and we have no control over it).

Maybe I should have just gone home when I felt like the clubs weren’t fun enough, maybe I should have given up at one point and not look for fun. But I was looking for the funnest club and I found myself free, dancing without a care in the world. I met people I found “home” in too, I bumped into a couple I met last time.

I have been stressed out about finances, trying to be in control of the future, trying to figure out the future, but I just wanted to let go and have fun. My mother had been yelling at me, accusing me of not having a normal job, and I was processing all this childhood pain and healing. God had given me a stop sign from pursuing acting. I felt completely out of control of my life and emotions.

It was just too much. I realized through a dream that I just needed to let go and have fun.

But then my phone got stolen. In addition, I started to feel sick, I started coughing and had a sore throat.

I met a great guy and had his phone number, but I had doubt in my heart and that night had a dream I was singing “I don’t trust people” in broadway format. The next day I called him and said “Sorry to ask you this, I have trust issues…no offense, but did you steal my phone?” He was so offended, said he had helped me try to find it, how could I think otherwise, then hung up. He said he didn’t need bad vibes that weekend. I said sorry. I have trouble trusting people.  That was the end.

SO THEN Yesterday I went to Pasadena, I wasn’t sure if I was hearing right as I’ve been feeling condemned and condemnation really affects your hearing. (because you start He being legalistic, you feel like you can do something right to prevent something wrong from happening, but that’s just a lie, because in God’s eyes, He will always protect you by the finished blood of Jesus).

I went to this restaurant and immediately met a girl with tattoos. We had a lot in common and I told her this vision “I see your mom yelling at you, because of this you have trouble saying no to people. But remember it’s okay to speak up for yourself” and then I told her she will be an actress.

Again, a confirmation from God. God speaks to me through me speaking to people.

I was about to go home and was waiting for the bus.

This guy I met two years ago on the bus was there. I said hey. We started talking about our parents and he said he was in a relationship where his ex tried to kill him.

One night she got a skateboard and hit him over the head. He went into a coma and she went to prison. He has since feared getting a girlfriend.

So before I got off the bus I prayed for him “You are a child of God, not an orphan. I break off the fear of death and the spirit of death. God is so proud of you, you are a warrior for him”. He said he felt really strange, in a good way and he started crying.

I said “you are entering a season of joy and leaving the season of grief”.

Somehow that’s how I feel now.

What do you feel like you’ve lost and how is your heart doing? That night I felt like I also lost a friend by having the question that maybe he stole my phone. In a weird way, my heart feels like it’s grieving a breakup of a relationship.

I feel like I can’t control what life will bring me. One moment I’m dancing, the next I’m grieving. I feel out of control. It seems one moment someone can like you, another hate you. It seems that one moment you can be thriving and another you are down.

Remember, it’s not your fault. Don’t punish yourself, God took on every punishment on the cross. 

God we don’t get why bad things happen sometimes but we are choosing to trust you. WE are entering a season of joy and celebration and don’t let the enemy steal your joy. Take time to be with Jesus and let Him comfort your wounds.

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you. 

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

I know this is probably ridiculous….but this is how I feel:

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone?

Now I look for that orange case, and you’re not there anymore.

I look, but I feel an absence.
Maybe we were codependent. I relied on you too much.
Instead of talking to people, I talked to Siri.
I googled facts instead of feeling my emotions.
I ran away from my pain, trying to watch korean reality shows.
Now I really have to process the pain that I’ve neglected to feel.

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone? Because I am crying and feeling the pain of your absence. I had plans for us, plans to dream and prosper. Plans to create but I went to you to process, maybe I’d forgotten how to talk to God at all times.

But also when I lost you, I felt a burden lifted. I don’t know, I guess I was relying on you too much. You were a crutch and not a help. I felt undistracted, because you became a distraction.

I looked for you again, but you’re gone, completely gone.

I feel like I’m writing this for people who have lost someone recently. I don’t know why but I feel a deep grief for people who have lost someone. I am praying for you now.

 

Do you ever feel like you have become codependent on something or someone? Instead of going to God, feeling the pain inside, you stay busy (with plans, people, work) to avoid the pain?

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

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