Reel Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnGlbjqzx_Y
Reel Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnGlbjqzx_Y
“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.
I have this heart heat rash.
He says “don’t be afraid of love”.
I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.
Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.
He goes “I want some pussy”.
My heart was grieved.
I was already disappointed.
Our society has come to this.
I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.
I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.
I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.
Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.
I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.
The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.
People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil.
I feel like I’m suffocating
Like I’m drowning
I care for you and I can’t breathe
But I feel like you are a speck in the ocean slowly moving away
I cry in silence
Yet you seem to feel nothing
And so I fade into the distance, I allow my heart to suffocate into the background
This is a familiar feeling
When I knew it was ending but I didn’t want to let go
I silently screamed into my pillow
I had given my all
And yet it was not enough
I’ve paid my dues, this time I’ll learn to let go faster than before
I feel like I’m drowning
But I can’t hear myself speak
I try to speak but words won’t come out because I still want your security even when it is false
I almost cried hearing his story
He walked away, angry, never crying
If I said how I felt, it wouldn’t be enough, what is the point, his pride would get in the way
So my heart does not suffocate from lack of air.
This time I’ll let myself be happy instead of pay a fine
This time I’ll walk out scotch free, this time I’ll choose myself, instead of pleasing him.
This time I’ll better myself by freeing myself
This time, this time.
And you’ll call me crazy, ridiculous, any words, any words.
But I hope you look in your heart and see that your refusal to be in touch with your heart is only a curse on your own soul.
Whoever he was, he is, they are all the same, the same lessons. They keep coming, they come in the form of tall and short, green or blue eyes, brown, they are all the same person walking in the same lesson.
Or will you scream into the void?
Will you empty yourself until you have nothing left?
Will you try to break down a brick wall with your bare hands? Bloody and torn, those hands made to hold you, now depleted, destroyed.
He didn’t know it was coming last time, but it came like a storm and broke his cold stone heart, he wept for the first time. I broke his heart and it took years.
I didn’t know I had to let him go to open his heart, that was the only way to go, not to hold onto him, but to let him go.
I used to give all of myself to love someone, even if I only got 10% back.
I used to think it was my fault that someone wasn’t able to love me back, but I realize that some people have a small cup that cannot contain my bucket loads of love.
My job is to find someone who can pour back into my buckets, instead of feeling depleted giving constantly.
I made the first move to reconcile with my dad after 10 years of not seeing him. I flew thousands of miles and hours to see him. Slowly we reconciled. I would fly back again after 2 years, more and more but every time I would be sad to leave, sometimes I was disappointed. Last time he couldn’t take me to the airport because he had a migraine.
No matter what, nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing I did could open up his heart to me.
So I would give all of myself to love someone, and most people only give back 10%.
What I learned is, find those who are willing to give love to you.
I used to think it was my fault that people didn’t open up to me, that people didn’t love me, that my dad didn’t show love to me.
But I realize no, it’s not my fault. I tried my best and now I have to teach my heart to move on. I moved on from my dad, my mom, from my brother, from exes, from past friendships and I still learn to move on as I speak up and keep honoring my heart.
I kept trying to get love from people who didn’t have any to give.
And I realize very little people have that emotional capacity to express love.
God send me people that know how to express and give love without fear. I don’t have fear for fear has to do with punishment. Guide us into the right direction, to people who have love to give.
I stood up for myself this time. I spent 2.5 years allowing my heart to die to be with someone 6 years ago. I then encountered a man that reminded me of my ex. I had to learn to let go faster than I did last time. Because the same red flags came up. God will send the same type of person so you’d learn to stand up for yourself this time around.
The same situations will come up until you learn to overcome them and confront your worse fears.
I spent almost 2 years on the road. I went alone to dangerous countries, 3rd world countries, I went to South Africa, India, Southeast Asia being led by God to pastor lost sheep and prophesy over people who needed miracles, people who were broken and lost.
I faced the fear of starvation, having no shelter, being stranded or even the fear of being raped by strangers.
But God’s voice led me and I saw thousands of miracles. I saw God healed backs, I saw people cry and I taught people how to hear God’s voice.
God told a Muslim girl to not be afraid, He told a Buddhist that everything was going to be okay. She said she wanted to believe in Jesus so we prayed in a hostel.
Having faced all those fears of ALL possible dangers, a virus was an inconvenience. Sure, I had my times of paranoia, but most of it was being persecuted by people for going out. My mom would yell at me for going out but I would hear God say “Go out and don’t be afraid”. I had thousands of divine appointments still. I went to the Abbey, I went to the beach, I met people everywhere.
To everyone out there who persecuted me for going out I want to say the blood of Jesus works. He told me to go out every day – I was ministering to people out on the streets. I preached the blood of Jesus to heal. Y’all don’t believe. Now you do. I’ve been out everyday since the covid, been going to beaches, Miami, tj, planes, buses, trains, wherever God led me and I am healthy by his stripes. I hugged people, layed hands on people, prayed for people, I came into contact with more people than most and I kept proclaiming the truth of His finished work.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)
A lot of Christians don’t give believe Jesus finished the work- so they’ve submitted to fear and the government. By His stripes we are healed- that means in this present state I am healthy and disease is a spirit of infirmity that needs to be rebuked if it attacks.
Last night I talked for an hour and a half with someone who grew up Christian. He found my dating profile on okcupid and we matched. I was reminded of the weightiness of my calling to pastor lost sheep. I was reminded not to get distracted and that even though I felt heart broken over someone who didn’t believe in Jesus, to keep my eyes on God and His promises for me.
He has promised me this-
I felt God say to write a letter to you.
It’s very hard to understand that your heart is for me or that you even love me when we basically have no communication.
Communication is my heart language, besides physical affection.
It’s hard to understand when someone rejects you. I’ve been dealing with feeling unwanted my whole life, so I didn’t put myself in front of many opportunities or even love itself. Friendships, desires for relationships.
There were two instances where I felt rejected by men. One guy I really liked but since at one point he just wanted to be friends, he rejected my hug. I felt rejected and unwanted. Now after that he said he wanted to be alone and he never picked up my calls or texts. But God kept telling me to express how I felt so I did.
It was difficult not getting a response. I persevered and then eventually the desire waned after I did my fare share of reaching out. Eventually I met someone else. Now this was another growth lesson.
God has always told me to not be afraid of rejection. So I keep putting my heart out there even though it hurts.
This one has a kid and a fair share of past drama. To which, I thought, you know what let me not get involved. But for some reason God kept telling me to follow my heart and as much as I was afraid of a possible end, I pursued it knowing God had breakthroughs for me.
I remember someone prophesying over me that I was going up a hill and a mountain, but that it would be worth it.
This year God has been preparing me for marriage and He has been doing it through getting to know people I go on dates with. The lessons are beyond plentiful.
Showing me peoples’ experiences through marriage, cheating, just like you did, you cheated, but maybe you had your reasons.
I followed my heart and I’ve cried plenty of times. I realize that it has worked out my muscles, my heart. Because I wanted to deny my emotions for a long time. I wanted to not feel, because I thought pain was so awful. Now I realize pain is a gift. Pain allows you to process your fears.
I was afraid of getting hurt.
I felt unwanted when I couldn’t get what I wanted, I felt rejected- but when I cried because of that pain, I felt a release of fear.
When I was able to express my fears openly and honestly, then cry in front of a man, I felt loved. Because I was transparent and naked emotionally.
God always sends men who seem shut down and emotionally unavailable, like you dad.
But for some reason when I am able to show my emotions and have breakthroughs I realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s about me being able to feel.
Even if you never reciprocate, as long as I can feel, I’m okay.
Because this is my life, and I have to be okay with my emotions, I have to express love and love myself by embracing my emotions.
I’m open now.
It’s so good to be alive.
I don’t always have to laugh or be happy in front of people, I can be vulnerable.
I feel amazing today. I feel at rest having cried. I feel peaceful. I can have what I want, my presence in the moment.
I kept running from my emotions not realizing my emotion is the best gift. I embrace every emotion I have and I freely release them in the moment.
I wish someone taught me dating is not about getting to the end goal but realizing and healing from the wounds that need to be healed before you meet the one. So instead of the end goal of meeting the one….it’s about reflecting on the cross section of issues that you have and what that other person has. And experiencing breakthrough and healing through those conversations, conflicts, emotions.
I heard the Lord say “make big moves” and I had a dream about a big whale and I colored it.
I may not want to be with you, but I will show you the persevering love of God to break down the walls in my heart and yours.
I will persevere when others shut down.
Your heart is your biggest asset.
We just want people to show up in our lives, be present. I’ve been meeting people who have never met their dads and they just desire presence. They don’t want much, but to feel wanted.
I’m glad I can be a type of “mother” and a pastor to those who long for family. I too find family in these people.
It’s like you’re constantly wanting to go somewhere else- he said.
I had a dream that I woke up and my mom and aunt were eating in the house. I ate a big piece of fish with quinoa in it. My friend got a Tesla and was moving to goldengate but it was in the middle of nowhere. I told my brother that even though he was very rich, he had to deal with properties getting looted. Even though I was eating in a small studio with my family, with the windows open, I felt content.
I woke up feeling a sense of calm and peace.
I guess this whole year has felt like a struggle since God continued to break open my heart. He kept telling me to tell people how I feel. I kept crying. Everyday almost. He would tell me to tell people how I felt, the walls would come down on a daily basis. Even though I wanted to shut down at times and no longer open my heart, I would choose to trust him.
Some days God would tell me to go to San Diego. San Diego was the relief I needed for my heart. I would meet some divine appointments, look at the ocean and feel my heart quiet down.
I was dating, going on dates, meeting one guy and liking him….but then be disappointed.
He’s not the one. Again, broken hearted. But somehow God used all that to heal me. It sounds strange. Why?
Don’t be afraid to feel your emotions, He’d say.
I was deathly afraid of heart break after my ex.
I told God I would never fall into another relationship if it wasn’t my husband.
But He had me confront the fear of failure (a relationship failing), a fear of love (feeling the pain of love), a fear of rejection.
He’d say “don’t be afraid to fail”.
I didn’t understand it because my mentality was “what is the point of telling someone how I feel if I’m just going to be disappointed?”
“What is the point of trying if they won’t reciprocate?”
I would go on these dates, and most of these guys were lost sheep so it was also semi ministry…but some of them, like yesterday’s ended with the guy trying to touch my boob and saying that he wanted to worship my vagina. LOL.
But then somehow the fear in my heart left me, the hardness that I built around my heart because I felt rejected broke off. I just started laughing. He said he wanted to bow to my vagina and lick my pussy.
He started fake crying because I just wanted to be friends and did not want that interaction. He was very passionate and intense with his words. He also said he wanted to “embrace me in my troubles”, which made me cry.
But alas, also not the one. What he taught me was “go after what you want”, whatever it is, without shame.
I met 2 girls in line after that Hinge date. One said she met her fiance on Hinge and another met a guy there too. I told them about my interaction and they laughed. I was grateful and asked if they were Christian and one said she grew up Christian.
What healed me yesterday was this….
As I was crying and talking to the guy, I felt this heaviness on me. I stood up. We went for a walk.
I knew it was a lie. I knew people did love me, but when it came to someone I loved, it was hard not to think that.
I felt unwanted. That was the single factor in my life that prevented me from truly loving a man. My dad left our family when I was 8 and I didn’t see him for 10 years.
It left a scar in my heart, a deep wound. I became boy crazy. I was always a daddy’s girl. I loved hugging my dad, but now he was no longer there. I could no longer show physical affection to someone I loved.
I didn’t really date until I was 21. Had my first bf when I was 15. I decided to wait until marriage to have sex. But 21 was my entry way to sexuality. This guy I dated gave me oral sex. I never felt something that intense, it felt good. I felt loved because my love language is physical touch. But somehow, I also felt used. 23-26 I dated a guy for 2.5 years. I felt like a slave in someway. I wasn’t my own. I lost myself. I still waited to have intercourse.
He said that he liked that I was waiting because somehow I was “his” only.
Someone wanting me felt good, I felt wanted in the moment but after I felt used.
I was grateful that God’s grace compelled me to say no to actual intercourse.
I knew that God wanted to protect my heart. That is why I was waiting until marriage to have sex, not out of legalism or law, but because my heart was deeply connected with God. I have trusted God my whole life and I saw how He healed me of my daddy wounds, led me to 14 countries with little to no money while I prophesied to people who helped me.
Going back to my walk with the guy, I said that I needed to feel wanted and when he rejected me, I felt death. I literally felt like I wanted to die. I felt no love in my heart and felt totally numb. But when he came back to show me brotherly love, I realized that we would always be friends and that was okay with me.
I now realize why getting physical with a guy is so detrimental.
I really just want companionship. I want to feel loved. But the truth is I want to be understood more than anything else. I want quality time with people. I want those moments with a men that is innocent. We went to a boba shop and saw a cute little girl with his dad. They ate ice cream together, it was simple and loving.
In my past experience I often felt like men just wanted my body. I would refuse and of course they would feel rejected.
One guy said that he has never hung out with a girl he was attracted to without sleeping with her at the end. He grew up Mormon but no longer prescribed by the religion. I was really just there as a friend and confidante.
I also met someone who was waiting. He said that he didn’t understand how people could sleep around without having feelings for people.
I told him that he should be proud of himself and not to give into peer pressure.
I realize that I can freely care about someone without this fear that they would think I’m too much. I can freely express love without fear that they would be bothered by me. When the guy said that he didn’t want a relationship, I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to care about him.
I was afraid to reach out but I realize there is no reason to be afraid.
I freely continued to express love to him.
I no longer needed reciprocation because I was free of needing anything in return. He reciprocated love like a brother, not as a romantic partner. I was no longer afraid of his rejection. I allowed my heart to feel what it felt and freely expressed it without holding back.
He kept telling me that we were just friends, I said I understood, but needed to continue expressing how I felt in freedom.
And somehow it freed me.
I no longer needed romantic love. It was like going back to my youth.
My brother stopped talking to me years ago and it broke my heart. He was my best friend growing up, we talked all the time. I would tell him everything.
Now God was restoring my heart from that loss and bringing men into my life that could care for me like a father or brother. And that needed to be the basis.
I can love without fear. And strangely that attachment broke off. I no longer NEED a certain type of reciprocation, I can be loved as I am.
Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless!
People ask me why God would tell me to go to a gay club.
Well, the Abbey actually means church, monastery.
The Lord told me to write about my experiences and share with you how the spirit has led me to thousands of people in my life. First of all, if you have never read my testimony, here it is My Spirit Led Testimony.
You will encounter and read about a non-conventional testimony, I am a prophet who pastors lost sheep and have been led all over the world, with sometimes little to nothing to survive but was led by the spirit to pastor lost sheep. Lost sheep are people who don’t believe in Jesus or people who have walked away from God. The lost sheep of Israel are the ones who have not believed that Jesus is the messiah.
God has even led me to people through dating sites.
So is God non-conventional or what?
I was devastated. I had lost my phone 2 times there already and actually got it back. That was the beginning of going to the Abbey for fun and ministry. What I mean by that is I have fun there but I also meet a lot of people there. I’ve met hundreds of people in that area that grew up Christian or walked away. I’ve prophesied to future pastors on the dance floor, had people cry into my arms.
It does take awhile for conservatives to understand what I do.
They think that a bar cannot go with Jesus. But little do they know that God works miracles in bars. Not everyone is called to this kind of ministry.
And the thing is I don’t do it intentionally. I go where the spirit leads, but I am not religious. Meaning I try to get to know people, I am friends with them, I am vulnerable with them.
Some people think that you should have all your issues figured out before ministering to others but that’s actually not true. God has shown me that I need to tell people how I am feeling, what I am struggling with. As I share with people, they share with me what they are going through.
That’s true ministry. Jesus shared in His pain, He didn’t shield the disciples from pain, He showed them He was stressed out, bleeding and sweating, praying in turmoil.
One night I was crying my eyes out because I was in severe pain, it had to do with heartbreak. I walked into this other bar without ordering anything and just cried into this guy’s lap. He said that he was going through the same thing and this other girl said she was also constantly getting used in relationships. Then the bartender asked me if I was okay and gave me his number. He checked in on me and made sure I was okay. He said he also went through a breakup and was heart broken. Then I met the manager who told me he was a lost sheep and grew up Christian. That all happened in 20 minutes.
I have been led to people sitting alone at the Abbey on numerous occasions. People who were really lonely and were lost sheep. I’ll walk into the place and feel the Spirit leading me to specific people. I’ll go up to them and ask if I could sit with them. I’ve gotten rejected before but I’d get the courage to talk to them again if it’s God’s will.
For example, one 60 year old man told me “you’re dismissed”. I felt so hurt by that. The next time I saw him again and confronted him. I said what he said hurt me and he apologized. He said his parents treated him that way and he thought it was normal. He told me that he grew up Catholic.
People don’t understand that when we tell people how we feel, it creates a safe space for conversation and relationship. I see him there all the time, he is often alone and I gave him a hug one time, screaming in glee and the staff reprimanded me because well, it’s covid season.
One Jewish man said his mom just passed away and his girlfriend broke up with him 3 days ago. Another guy said he was molested by his grandparents. One guy said he was feeling suicidal and needed a hug because his ex boyfriend physically abused him.
Sometimes I got yelled at for hopping tables. I’ve gotten kicked out for no reason. But I have guardian angels there. I have security guard friends, I have a Christian friend buser. I ask what their names are and become friends with them. They are familiar faces and most of them do have some kind of faith.
I have thousands of stories, and it’s not just at the Abbey. It’s on the streets, it’s at the beach. God uses everything and anything for me to reach His lost sheep and there are millions out there. They are often severely rejected by their parents and have no sense of home. They feel alone because they have no family. I can relate because sometimes I feel like I have no blood family. I didn’t feel safe with them and explaining my life/ministry to them has always resulted in rejection.
I hope that one day everyone will understand, but that’s not the case. Heaven knows, God knows, and that’s enough.
Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless!
God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.
For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.
Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.
Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.
Sometimes we love people who abuse us.
It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.
Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.
He wants to see me.
That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.
God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.
But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.
When you think of someone, contact them.
When you appreciate someone, tell them.
When you miss someone, tell them.
“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?”
The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.
When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.
My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response.
Does he care about me? Does he love me?
That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love.
That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.
You’re not alone.
Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel.
Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love.
I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.
Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication.
I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love.
I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends.
God is really unconventional.
Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.
But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me.
One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.
In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do.
Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.
Again I felt that she was trying to control me.
I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.
Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”
Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless!