Choose God’s Path

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

Feel free to message me on Facebook if you have questions or want to tell me your story.

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Get Up and Walk!

I’m understanding what I give to people no money can ever buy. The strength of knowing they are a child of God. I don’t need big houses or buildings, nice cars to tell my my worth. I’m bought by the blood of Jesus and I have peace father God always takes care of me. Most people I minister to have much more fear of lack than I do. They have much more material possessions.

But I’ve become fearless. I know I’m a child of God and no demons in hell can stop me. I know father God never leaves nor forsakes me. That is something no money can buy. A relationship with father God and undying trust to Him.

I go where He calls me at a moment’s notice to who He leads me to. That is undying trust. I put my life in the hands of my father because He loves me and never forsakes me.

Those who are rich are not those who have billions of dollars – the rich ones are the ones who know they are a child of God and that God will never leave nor forsake them. They move mountains.

Sometimes I don’t have much money on me but I have a father who richly provides all my needs. I have a zillionaire father so I do His work – with a backpack and a carry on, I go where He leads me. I trust Him totally. He has shown me His faithfulness.

So I minister to those who have a fear of lack, who have everything in this world but the assurance that God can be trusted. Paul says gold and silver have I none but in the name of Jesus get up and walk! It’s a power no gold or silver can buy!

People I prophesy to have a fear of surrendering their job, moving, walking into the unknown- getting up- because getting up means trusting God.

But Father God can be trusted. I walked for years in trust with God. It can be scary at times but exhilarating when you see Him work. When His instructions lead you to a person who has been praying for an answer for 3 years. And you are the answer.

It’s so fun and adventurous. I never have a boring day.

Yesterday the Lord had told me I’m staying in Taipei and told me beitou. When I looked up places on Airbnb the first one that popped up – God said, this one.

I said, “hmmm okay”.

A donation of almost exact amount had come in on the same day.

The lady was super friendly on the phone, and when I went I noticed a Bible on the table. I asked the cleaner if she is Christian but then she said the owner was. I never met the owner in person but we talked on the phone and it turned out she had been through a lot of spiritual warfare lately.

I prayed for her. She said she had recently started to pray again and that she was coming back to Jesus. Upon further messaging I later learned she was preparing for her father’s funeral.

It’s those moments you realize, God sent you to be someone’s relief, someone’s answer.

I slept 12 hours that night.

I’m currently going back to shuangxi. Continue praying for me and those I minister to.

Give and partner with me to bring the grace of God to people around the world and to continue writing these posts!

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Healing The Brokenness In Our Hearts

Ugly crying.

Heartache and heartbreak. We try to avoid it but it comes after us. It makes for the best writing and the best songs, the best art, it’s what makes us human. Without it we wouldn’t know vulnerability, we wouldn’t love well.

We don’t love people well when we have closed hearts. Open hearts feel with others. Open hearts allow the risk of being hurt to be present. Closed hearts says “I don’t want to listen to your story because I don’t want to feel what you feel”.

It’s easy to be logical and tell someone to leave their abusive or unloving husband or boyfriend, but to go through it yourself, or to follow your gut and not your heart which often times is tied to brokenness in your soul, that’s another story.

As I’m talking to my friend about heartache I remember this one time years ago where my ex roommate tucked me into my bed. He was my first guy roommate.

I thought it was fine because I had a boyfriend. I was safe because I was taken, I wouldn’t have some type of love affair with a guy I lived with in the same house.

Because I was so broken and didn’t know what love was supposed to be like, I was attracted to men who were emotionally absent. And even physically absent, like my father.

My ex would disappear for days, sometimes not answering my texts or calls. I’ve never been obsessive, I’d send one text and wait patiently for a reply. I’d give up. I’d think “he must be busy”. But my mind would run wild. Where is he? What is he doing? I made excuses for his behavior. I thought it was normal because the fact that anyone was around was enough for me.

3 days would pass.

And the one who was present? My guy roommate. He had his own room FYI. I cried and told him my boyfriend had been ghosting me. I didn’t understand why there was a wall I couldn’t break down. Even when he was present, I couldn’t read his thoughts and he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just a very practical guy. He could fix cars and lights. He could pay for dinner.

He understood instructions, and completed tasks, but when it came to his heart, he was completely illiterate.

My roommate played with bunnies on the grass. I thought he was a bit feminine. He wrote poetry and we would read our writing to each other.

I realized that I often went for guys who were emotionally unavailable because it was safer. I know it’s sound strange. Because emotional openness means telling your truth, and risking having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

It’s easier to shut your heart down completely than to speak your truth and feel those emotions.

My ex would tell me he needed space. “Why can’t you just tell me you need space?” I would say.

My roommate tucked me into my bed as I cried over my boyfriend at the time. Why am I with a ghost when there is flesh and blood here? He told me to breathe as he said breathing brings you back to yourself.

I didn’t understand it. I’d be attracted to a non-present man, while next to me was someone available, someone emotionally open, someone loving.

And my broken soul had to go for the broken man.

Someone I couldn’t attain, someone whose heart was locked with a dead bolt, tripled locked. No amount of prying, questioning, asking, praying seemed to do the job.

The only thing that pried my ex open was me mentioning breaking up.

It was the first time I saw him cry in the 2.5 years we were together. He begged and cried. What can I do to change, he asked. I said I needed to be with someone who believes in Jesus and I want to marry one day.

He said he would go to church with me. Let’s get married now!!

I said, no.

Because those weren’t the factors that prevented us from moving forward- I knew for ages that he wasn’t it, he wasn’t exactly what I wanted as a life partner.

So my heart didn’t want to break up, but my spirit knew – he’s not it. He’s not your life partner.

It’s easy to avoid talking about your emotions, it’s easy to shut down your heart.

What’s difficult is saying how you feel. And finding closure and agreement.

If you’re going through heartache I pray God would give you comfort in this hour. I pray you would know that God is with you.

He loves you dearly.

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1% of People Marry Their First Love

That’s what my friend said, to comfort me in my momentary despair.

I said “why do I have to meet guys who aren’t going to be my husband and then experience the heart break and pain? While I see people who just meet that one right person and seem to live happily ever after, or sure, with some issues in marriage”.

“There’s still some work to be done, deeper wounds that need to be healed” says another friend.

I’m 31. I don’t know how many more need to be healed but seems like an unending drama.

Like one of those dramas that are dragged on so that time can pass for no good reason but they have nothing to show on tv.

How come other people seem to have no issues….or maybe it’s just because they choose to settle for someone who has issues that they also have…and both refuse to heal or grow from it. Instead these couples live in their codependent miseries.

That really makes me feel better.

I am just choosing not to settle.

I could have settled with my ex, who was emotionally absent and had a wall that couldn’t be knocked down.

I could have settled for an alcoholic.

I could have settled for a selfish man.

So sure I see many who married and seem to have beautiful lives but who knows what’s behind the curtain? Most people don’t share their problems with the world. It’s better to smile for the camera and post a picture perfect marriage.

Well, my healing journey has not been easy. Having been single for 5 years the last year God gave me a dream where he showed me pictures of men like on tinder and said “get ready”.

Sure enough, the matches came.

But none were really it.

Something was always missing.

The main ingredient- an unfaltering and unwavering commitment to follow Jesus at any cost.

Sure I met good Christian men too, but they were half committed to Jesus. I would prophesy something over them and many of them are still where they are last year. I’m not saying they’re bad, I’m just saying I need to have the same level of faith with my hubby.

I can’t be dragged down trying to convince someone.

I met non Christian men too. But it was obvious their sole agenda was lust or longed for someone to fill the void that only Jesus could fill.

I healed from my issues and am still discovering if there are any more.

1. I had major trust issues because my dad cheated on my mom- God brought me people that were trustworthy and I realize men can be trusted, just need to be the right person.

2. My dad did not provide growing up and I realize that I want a man that loves to provide.

3. I cannot be with an alcoholic. I need someone who is completely filled with Jesus and His spirit.

4. Emotional vulnerability is key to the man I am supposed to be with. This man doesn’t just talk about work or how his day was but he talks about how he feels.

5. Honesty – I realize is everything and will break the thickest emotional wall.

Give a love offering or donate to support me in healing people on this earth-thank you!

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Testimony in Pune

Pune- testimony.

Yesterday God said you have to go to pune. This morning two hours before my train God said I have to catch the 12:10 one. A man gave me directions at the snack counter, in the same car, the man sat next to me. Crazy. On the train I prayed about where I should stay and found a few but one host’s name kept flashing in my mind. And a vision of twin beds that was in the room. Sure enough he accepted.

However he told me he was about to block out the dates because his caregiver had an emergency and had to leave so he wasn’t going to accept anymore guests. Somehow my booking came in and he accepted.

Two college age girls helped me get a cab and made sure I was okay. I told them Jesus loves them.

When I arrived the host said he gave me the room with a private bathroom since I’m a woman but a boy wanted my room. I asked to see his room (examining the soundproofing of the room) then met him.

Later I tried to book food on ubereats but failed and I heard God say “eat out”. At the same time the boy was going out to eat. I asked to come with.

During dinner the young man told me his dad is paralyzed. He told me this happened 5 years ago and that he was shot in the arm 3 years ago and he said that he saw his friend get shot when he was 12.

When I got back to the Airbnb I kept hearing God say “switch rooms with him”. I didn’t understand. But I remember God often spoke in symbolism. Then I knew I wasn’t finished.

I got to share my testimony with him. I shared how I never felt like I was enough for my mother but Jesus set me free to know I’m enough because of His finished work on the cross.

As I prayed over him I saw that he would punch a punching bag and it would hit him back. I also said he needed to forgive his dad. I said that he was enough and he’s done enough. He said karma.

I said Jesus came to give you grace and I explained why he has been forgiven for his sins and that Jesus took on the punishment. I asked if he wanted to have a relationship with Him but he said he had too many trust issues with religion as the hand life dealt him was shitty.

I said God sent me to let him know that He hasn’t forgotten him.

When the spirit leads, even if you run you run to your assignment.

Sow a seed- thank you!

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To The LGBT community- A Letter From God

You are so beautiful, beyond description

I pictured who you would become, who you are. Always so beautiful, your laughter, your smile. I always knew you, even now.

I know your pain, I was there with you. The pain of rejection, I was always there. Even when you felt alone, I was there. I know you push me away, you think I’m judging or condemning you but all I have for you is love.

You stand there, laughing on the outside, but inside crying.

There’s a deep wound of rejection bound so tight by attitude and perceptions of how you should be around certain people, certain groups.

I know you’ve been fighting all your life but if you’ll have me, you’ll be able to rest knowing I’ve already accepted you just as you are.

In my embrace you won’t have to fight anymore, you can rest in my arms.

You are beautiful to me. Whatever you call yourself, you’re my child.

Since you’re my child, I will never leave nor forsake you. Since you’re my child I’ll always fight for you. Since you’re my child I’ll always protect and provide for you.

Since you’re my child I’ve conquered death for you. Since you’re my child, I’ve felt the burn of rejection for you. Since you’re my child, I want you to be vulnerable with me.

It’s time to come out of the cave and show who you really are.

I don’t care what you call yourself, gay trans, fluid, binary, you are human and worthy of my love.

You are my child. Now you are mine and forever loved.

You are not an orphan, a reject or an outcast. You are a child of God.

Your true identity is being my child. You are royalty bought by the blood of Jesus. Show me your wounds, I will heal them.

I love you.

– Jesus

Xoxo

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Walk In The Unknown

I moved a lot growing up so I was constantly walking into the unknown. Not by choice though. Me in Germany.

Most of our society walks in the known. The known is comfortable, safe, without unknowns but God constantly pushes us to trust Him to walk with Him in the unknowns.

So that’s where though we think we are “resting” often we are submitting to fear. It’s sounds strange because of course some people seriously need to rest but most people sit in front of the television as the world passes by.

Watching tv is not resting. Yes, there are seasons of that but even in this season I feel wary thinking about the future.

I’m back in LA but heading out June 24.

I’m not sure what to expect and to be honest I’m a little traumatized by everything I went through this year ministering on the road. I’m not sure if I ever want to experience it again yet I know God is calling me to a higher level of faith.

I kind of hate that He has called me to this life.

I keep telling Him “I can’t do it”.

I can’t go on anymore.

I feel numb.

And that’s my heart wanting to be comfortable, to succumb to fear.

Jesus- You can do anything you set your mind to.

Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to live a boring life?

Jesus- then you’ll be bored.

Okay then.

God I kind of don’t want to trust you.

Jesus- you’re not an orphan, you’re a child of God.

Me- but I went through a lot of things I didn’t really want to go through.

Jesus- but you got through it.

Me- but I have bad memories from it and I’m mentally trying to protect myself from future instances of a) being severely accused of or rejected by people I minister to b) having to be on the streets and having to ask judgmental people for help c) the list goes on.

Jesus- you are enough.

Don’t settle for the past or even think about the past. Move forward.

Me- My body and psyche can’t seem to move forward.

Jesus- let go and focus on me. Let go of every hindering memory and focus on me. Focus on my goodness. The enemy wants you to focus on the bad experiences. I am a good father – do you trust me?

Me- no not right now. But I’m still following you- I just don’t feel the joy.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

2 Corinthians 4:8

This is my process. I know it’s been a hard week for some of you and in the battle it’s easy to lose joy so I pray right now God will bring back joy into your heart and if you need to cry- cry. I pray encouragement over your hearts.

I will be heading to Taiwan then China. I’m not sure what God has in store but I know most missionaries are getting kicked out of China so it helps that I’m independent in the sense that I’m just going where the spirit leads instead of being stationed like most missionaries.

I am now raising funds for what’s ahead. Flight tickets and living fees. Would you consider partnering with me in bringing Christ to the world?

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