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I just woke up from a dream where I was in a car with a girl (her name is Alicia) and we were talking.
I was driving her car and for some reason as we were venting the car started moving on it’s own. I heard God say “move”.
Move from unforgiveness and hatred to forgiveness, move.
God started speaking to me about the world. He said there are countries that will self destruct because of hate and hardness of heart. Yesterday I listened to two people and they cried to me. One was a girl and one was a man from Yemen. At first I was mad about how this guy treated him but then I realized that God was breaking his heart for a reason. Sometimes we are hard because of self protection and hurt will cause our hearts to break. God also led me and this girl to someone who previously hurt her. I felt to go eat somewhere but then I felt to go to a specific restaurant and she was there.
Keep your heart soft, keep crying, keep breaking and don’t allow the hatred and hardness of the world consume you.
I notice a lot of hardness of heart recently. I notice even myself wanting to shut people out because they were offensive, hurtful, mean. I notice that I didn’t even want to converse about hard things, wanting to run away from confrontation.
But the dream woke me up and God was showing me what the bitterness of heart can do.
I want you to take the time and think about everyone who has hurt you recently, people who have misunderstood you or hurt you and take the time to forgive them. Talk to them and have a conversation about how you feel. And don’t shut people out. I love you friends.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
I have never seen a man cry like this but it was what I needed to see.
He told me that he had been praying for a wife and he had nobody else, that his mom died. The Lord gave me knowledge when I was on the dance floor that there was someone I needed to meet. He said “go to the middle” of the dance floor. I looked around and suddenly someone grabbed my arm. Honestly at first, I thought he was creepy but then when I asked if he was Christian he said yes. When God gave me knowledge that his mom died I asked about his mom and he immediately started crying.
He didn’t understand why God sent me there when he was trying to have fun.
I said that sometimes you need to cry and breakthrough, not have fun, plus most people were on drugs and I don’t really think that’s fun. I hugged him and said that he was not an orphan but a child of God. I could feel the love of God towards my heart and towards his heart. He told me he had also been praying for a wife and he wanted either an Asian or black woman. He said that he was tired of being alone and persecuted and blamed for things that was not his fault. He quit gang banging, quit selling drugs and is going to school but yet things are getting harder. I said that the right path is always hard. He said he could get a woman in a second when he was in a gang. I believe that’s why God led me to him. To show him that there are woman who are following God’s path and they’re worth being with. He had invited me to his hotel and I said that I am actually waiting until marriage to have sex. Plus to be honest I was not interested in him but I could understand his desire for company (even on separate beds).
I just woke up from a dream where I was in Monrovia waiting in line to watch a movie and then I met some guy. Then I ran into a high school friend named Oreo, I asked if she wanted to watch a movie and we chose a movie that cost $28.21 and I was like “this is really expensive” but I guess it’s worth it. When I woke up I heard to go to Monrovia, so we shall see who I meet!
Each morning I hear the Lord tell me “your soulmate is coming”. I walk by this new restaurant that is opening up called soulmate. It’s a reminder of God’s promise.
I felt in my Spirit to write this.
Dear husband,
I’m excited to meet you. For some reason, everyone else feels like a foreigner. I feel close to people but I know what I want now. I want a best friend, someone I can talk to for hours and it’s strange because I am meeting more people like that. I meet men that I can talk to for hours now. I understand what it means to have someone affirm you. I didn’t have that before. Yesterday I met someone who kept saying I am beautiful. I know you’ll be someone who will often affirm me and make me feel secure in your love for me and I will do the same for you. You won’t be disgusting to me, you’ll warm my heart. Your hands are familiar, they are known. I know that I will not have to walk on any eggshells to talk to you, it’ll be like I’ve known you for years.
There is no fear in my love for you. There is no awkwardness, there is no forcefulness, just ease.
I call you when I want to and you do the same, there’s no rules or fear in communication.
You don’t touch me from a place of lust, but a place of love. Your hands are familiar, not foreign. You’re not here to take from me but to give to my spirit. You love the Lord the same way I do and you don’t love from a place of fear, but a place of ease and comfort. You understand your identity in Christ, you’re grace filled. We love to adventure together and we love to travel together. You focus on me, no one else, your eyes don’t divert. There is no feelings of insecurity.
I’m excited to meet you, and maybe I’ve already met you. I pray God protect you, keep you pure and I pray that you will know the BEST IS COMING and not try to settle for less. I’m your best and you are my best! Many people doubt me and tell me I should not wait for marriage to have sex but I trust that you are doing the same. I tell them that God has the best for me and I freely receive the BEST God has for me.
The biggest breakthrough I HAD THIS WEEK was I reached my dad after 2 years of him not responding to my calls on Facebook messenger. He said some hurtful things but I decided to reach out and keep talking to him and expressed how I was hurt. Of course his response was not what I wanted to hear, but my mother WAS THE SAME WAY!
So don’t give up on communication, keep going.
I’m really making progress and I realized why I had to go on many dates….it’s because I didn’t really know how to express my feelings to men. I knew how to express myself to my brother, but growing up I didn’t feel an emotional connection with my dad.
You may feel like that too….some people have their dads but never express how they actually feel to them.
I encourage you to be courageous and breakthrough!! Your feelings are valid!
I spent 2 1/2 years trying to change someone who did eventually change but he was not changing at the rate that I was. He was an alcoholic he was a chain smoker and a pot head. Instead of talking about his feelings he got panic attacks and so I would have to take him to the hospital. He was emotionally unavailable and was unable to talk about his feelings. I felt shut out and that my emotions were not valid because he was not willing to hear them out. I was so comfortable with him even being emotionally absent and sometimes disappearing for 2 to 3 days that I would rather stay then leave Even though my heart was breaking every single day.
Eventually I had to choose myself. I made a recording of myself crying and apologizing to myself for turning my back on me. I changed so much for him That I no longer knew who I was. It was a really difficult cycle to break but I stood up for myself and broke off the relationship.
I cut him out cold turkey and completely blocked him on all social media. After six years I was able to tell him how I actually felt. Now I practice speaking up for myself right away. If something bothers me I told someone right away. Even if it’s right after the date. If I don’t see a future then I tell them.
Dating has TAUGHT ME THAT SPEAKING UP IS A PRACTICE! The more you get to know people the more you learn what you like and don’t like and the ART of speaking the truth without fear of rejection or judgement. This is what I’ve learned from meeting people and going on dates.
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It’s not your job to make sure people understand they are loved, because if they feel unworthy, you cannot change that.
I felt unworthy for a long time but God led me home to my mom. I had to go through the grueling training of telling her how I felt. If she hurt me, I told her. Instead of running from my emotions or pain, I faced it.
Slowly I started to learn that her concern for me was mostly out of love, not control even though the fear in her was annoying.
It’s not your responsibility to make people feel good about themselves if they feel like shit.
I used to blame others for the way I felt about myself. I blamed my mom and my dad, I blamed my friends. I played the victim.
But I realized that I NEED TO HAVE SELF-RESPECT.
I TEACH PEOPLE how to treat me. I learned to set boundaries. Today I told a friend that I did not feel comfortable around him when he’s drunk because I don’t feel safe, it reminds me of my alcoholic dad. It is sometimes impossible to have real conversations when someone is drunk.
I’ve felt emotionally unsafe before opening up to people while they are drunk. I set my boundaries.
I’ve really learned to tell people how I feel.
I often felt insecure when people didn’t reply or text me right away, when people didn’t affirm that they loved me. But I realized that I needed to speak up if I felt neglected.
Owning my emotions is power! Owning how I feel is loving myself. I asked a guy if he liked me, that’s how I understood how he felt. He didn’t freely express it, I had to ask. I was able to understand how he felt and say that I wasn’t interested in that way. But then I realized that I did not need to feel bad because I know God has a husband for me and God has a wife for him one day. It’s not rejection, it’s invitation to a closer step to my husband and for my friend, to his wife.
