What better way to spend Sunday night than to talk about online dating (There is cussing in this post for those conservatives who sometimes read my blog and get offended). 

So given that I have friends that are single and ready to mingle, they often tell me about their dating woes. Well, one has started online dating, well, stopped for the moment. So after watching some Hart of Dixie, and Wade is REALLY hot, I decided…you know what.. time to manifest some real romance. However, after downloading Tinder for the 100th time, because I get sick of it in 5 minutes after swiping left too many times, I had to delete it once more. I have more relationship drama with the app itself.

The truth is I am really loving my life right now, without a man. I really love it. I love watching movies even by myself. I like sitting in a theater with no one to bother me, I love going to get coffee and even eating by myself. I find dates filled with hassle. So I pretty much already have criterion, which starts with beliefs, and ends with honesty.

And I thought, maybe I shouldn’t write about this because I will sound like a whiny bitch or perhaps someone with high standards who like “can’t compromise” and I call bullshit on that because YOU SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS. WE LIVE IN FUCKING LA! For crying out loud. Especially in LA, a girl must have standards. I can’t even begin…

The problem with Tinder is that besides already knowing what they are like….because well, being the artist and philosophically inclined person that I am, you can tell a lot about a person based on just photos. 

  1. “dude he looks like a pedophile, why is he kissing this young girl that way…why is he even posting it? Is that his niece of his ex? I am so confused.”
  2. he looks like he plays video games all day. His face is oily”
  3. “please noooo….another selfie of his abs…..abs without a face is not attractive to woman…it’s like seeing a picture of a mannequin at the mall, without clothes on”
  4. I asked my guy friend this….and they think it’s okay and attracts women…well whatever type of women they are trying to attract, cuz I don’t find a photo of him (whoever the subject is) with other sexy women attractive….like it doesn’t make me think “oh wow, he seems popular with the ladies, well, now, I find him attractive too then”. I ain’t a dumb bitch and I’m not about to claw another woman for a guy like that.
  5. where the fuck is his face? In every photo he is looking away….and as my friend said, they have a wife, they don’t want their identity on there..like cuz his wife’s friend might find him cheating….he dead”.

I got super liked a few times, I’m not going to boast. Oh wait I am boasting. But well, I didn’t find them attractive or likable….yes, even through a photo. So I deleted Tinder. Again.

But you know what, I am where I imagined myself to be. I never ever thought I’d be one of those woman to get married early. That wasn’t really in my dream list. I’ve traveled, I’ve done a lot of things and yes, that was how I imagined my early twenties. I’m not perfect and that’s why I want to continue learning how to love my imperfections.

PS- if you are wondering what to look for in a long term dude- https://rebekkalien.com/2015/04/27/why-you-should-date-for-destiny/ 


German Born Taiwanese American

What? Yes, I was born in Germany, but am Taiwanese, and I consider myself Taiwanese American since I’ve been in America for 20 years.


My best friend next to me and some who knows who the creep that is boy next to me in kindergarten. Hamburg, Germany.

Since we are all talking about race here…I didn’t know I was that different until I came to America. I got made fun of for being “FOB- fresh off the boat” by Asian Americans and some whites. I was a little confused because I thought the term was used for Asians born in Asian countries, but I guess it didn’t really matter. Alas, now the term is a TV show, thanks to the Great America, wrought with “racial freedom”.

Anyhow, when I realized I was different….you see in Taiwan, I fit right in because we were young…and in Germany too, when you are young you don’t see people through racial differences, you see them as playmates, people. 


Me being solemn in the back. Yes, I’m holding a rose. Taipei, Taiwan.

I started listening to music that talked about degrading women instead of the love songs of Japanese and Taiwanese culture….so like instead of “I love who you are” to “put it up her ass” kind of songs. So there you go, the transition.

I was confused.

I started rejecting a part of myself and assimilated quickly. 

All my best friends were Asian American, but deep down, I was an alien that somehow adopted the idea of being AA. Because I didn’t feel like them. I didn’t care about getting into a good college as much as they did, I was glad I didn’t go to after school, I didn’t want to settle down and live in the same city….I’m not saying all of them cared about the same things, but their parents sure did. 

My mom wanted a good future for me, but I think deep down she knew she was different too. So we moved after I graduated and I went to a fashion school.

Recently, I started realizing all the books I’m reading are by white people, mainly white women since I’m reading self help books. Also the TV shows, the films I watch have mainly white people as protagonists. I got really sick of it and started searching out foreign films. Yesterday I watched a Cantonese film, my heart felt a little warmer. 

You see, the guys I dated were white or mexican, mixed, or white, or ethnically mixed….confused too ethnically. Like me. With Asian Americans I felt different, in Taiwan, I was Americanized, too blunt, I felt comfy with Germans, Europeans, but still I was facially Asian. My ex used to make fun of me for saying a word wrong. But now, I don’t know anyone around me who writes as much as I do.

No one understands the feeling of having hot pot after months of European food like I do. It is pure bliss. My friends and I bring shin ramen on our backpacking trips. I searched out Asian restaurants in Paris. That’s how much my heart longs for Asian food. My blood consists of hot soup.

There is nothing wrong with trying to accommodate for the changes in your life ….but to neglect and ignore, and to push down a part of you means scarring your heart. 

I value family, I value honor and respect. But only to an extent….because what I learned from America is that you must love yourself too, not sacrifice your heart to serve everyone else (more Asian….the concept of Sacrifice). 

So I suppose I am one of a kind. And I don’t need to become more white, in fact, I’d like to stay the way I am, and own the FOB parts of me.


Another Germany picture.

The Greatest Thing You Can Do Is To Disappoint People

Sitting on the bus, staring out the window, I realized dang life is cray. When I was in high school I thought that life would be a, b, to c. Little did I know that life is much more flavorful and full. I wanted to be a fashion designer, my mom intitally wanted me to be a pianist or pharmacist since my grandad owned a pharmacy, and well when I actually entered the fashion industry I hated it with severe hatred.

My life became a whirlwind after I quit my full time job. From backpacking Australia, starting a jewelry business, expanding out to teaching English to two 70 year olds, to dating, to falling into a long term relationship, to moving, to meeting relatives for the first time, to backpacking in Europe, South America, etc..coaching…to becoming a realtor to quitting to entering the entertainment industry…to purely writing.

Of course a series of “disappointing people” events seem to mark my last 6 years.

First disappointing people who you worked with, a series of quitting, and starting…

And disappointing my mom. Yes, she could no longer boast about her daughter because she couldn’t say I was taking care of her or even that I had any kind of stable lifestyle or work.

When I started to come into my own and owning the life I wanted, I started saying no more and more. 

No I don’t want to hang out with you.

No I don’t want to go there.

No I don’t want to be your friend.

No I don’t want to go out with you.

It was freeing. Exhilarating. Relieving. I realized after hanging up the phone with a person who didn’t agree with my choices that I could never please everyone and its freeing.

When you disappoint people they should realize they had expectations of you that were marked by their own prejeduice and judgement about who you should be. That’s control.

And when you disappoint them it shows them that they had false expectations of who they should be too. You show them its okay to make their own mistakes and to be their own selves, not to please others but to live authentically.

I hope that I continue to shockingly disappoint people. 

Because I want to live in complete freedom and authenticity. Is it hard to face people who reject you because of your decisions? Yes, I’ve struggled and brooded in shame and guilt, but when I finally came to terms with the fact that I am my own person and I am Fucking perfect in my own way…and God made me this way, I am freed to live my life.

People will always have an opinion, but it is those ones that allow you to be yourself that are your true friends.

Ps…I just wanted to say when I realize my purpose wasn’t to please people, it allowed people like my mom to live her own freedom…it gave people freedom to see that they could live a free life too.

If your heart is healing, read this.

Middle of the night, being woken by a dream type of writing is usually my type of writing. The writing is clearer, more concise, less tainted by what I think it should be, like streams of thought writing. I’m less likely to judge and censor. I usually get a download of thoughts when I wake up in the middle in the middle of the night.

I don’t write for my readers, I write what I believe is true in my heart and what I think people really need. And it’s also a direct download from God.

Okay I’m obsessed with Terrace House on netflix. 

I cried and laughed. I truly felt the emotions that every member felt in this Japanese reality show. It’s not like American ones. It’s not sex crazed, hyper sexualized, focused on mere skin. It focuses on the characters’ emotions, intellect, conflict resolution between roommates and lovers. I found it deeply refreshing and different.

Having been on reality TV in America, I know the pressures producers have to “produce good rating”….I’ve heard of my friend, who is also in the entertainment industry, being coerced to do things she didn’t want to do. I call that manipulation.

It is so important to stay loyal to your core, to who you are NO MATTER WHAT. 

Spoiler alert:

Towards the end of season 2 there is a girl I won’t name since you’ll want to watch it after reading this…..she falls for a guy who is thugish and cool, but I think immature, and too young for her. Anyways, he rejects her and claims she is insecure….

She is heart broken.

I found her emotions refreshing and real. Because how many times do we put our hearts out there, later pretending it never happened. Her emotions were real and raw, that is something to be proud of….IF YOU CAN FEEL AND EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS- YOU SHOULD BE PROUD. To have the courage to allow your heart to feel what it wants to feel is brave. 

OKAY- SO SHE MEETS ANOTHER GUY RIGHT AFTER WHO IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LIKE finds everything the previous guy criticized about her to be a strength.


THIS is so key.

OMG. Never settle. Your breakthrough, the love of your life, your opportunity is in waiting for the RIGHT ONE! OMG. I can’t say it enough. Over the years, God has taught me so much about valuing my own heart. I’m finally in a season where I am more willing to love again….it also taught me that my ability to be happy in life is in direct proportion to how much I open my heart to life…

So while I healed from previous tragedies (breakup from long-term relationship and lost of best friends)……….there was only so much I could handle in terms of enjoying what God wanted to give me. I barely had energy to truly enjoy life.

As my heart started to heal, I found rest to be most vital. I rested, I let my heart heal, grow, comprehend, feel. I gave my heart the space it needed to flourish again. Sometimes I wanted to rush the process, but eventually I learned that it was causing my wounds to fester again….like when you get hurt and keep playing at the scabs wanting the scabs to go away…but it only opens the wounds up and doesn’t give it time to heal over.

I wanted it to be over, the process. I wanted to move on with life, but somehow God knew I wasn’t ready for it. He wanted to address issues I had, that went all the back to 5 years old, feelings of abandonment and rejection.

I went deep in this journey. Really deep, so deep I could feel pangs in my heart, like little heart surgeries. Digging up stones in my heart was difficult..not going to lie.

I faced my hurts, I forgave people, I came to understand my personality, my hangups, why I did what I did…you know those things that people go to therapy for. These things really determine what flows out of you during the day.

The truth is if you don’t deal with those issues, they will continue to come up in every area of your life….don’t ignore those wounds. Tend to them.

Until I could really see my true worth, it was difficult to overcome the offense, the hurts caused by other people. Because I was valuing their opinion of me over who God said I was. Yes people pleaser.

But now, I feel more free. I value my heart more. I am learning to put my heart and myself before other people. It is important because we determine how others treat us. I was taught to put others first, but I think it’s bad theology. God has shown me that when you can put yourself first, you are more able to love others out of overflow versus obligation. 

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments


I had a few nightmares last night and woke up in the middle of the night to cut down the small skeleton garland outside the porch, I walked to the trash can and tossed them. Somehow I needed to do that to cut ties with the spirit of death that was haunting me.

Good thing my dreams didn’t stay there. It continued on with someone making me spaghetti.

11:40am- take the bus to Pasadena

I eat at Sushi Stop, and I am not pleased with the sushi. Something has changed, the owner maybe. I don’t finish the carpaccio or whatever you call it, spirit tells me the end of it will make me sick.

I need to poop. I go inside Intelligentsia and ask for the code, but is given the wrong code. Good thing some guy comes and gives me the right code. I am defecating and the energy saving lights turn off. Now I have no light to wipe. Great. I’m sitting in the dark, trying to use my tablet light. Someone finally comes in and there is light. I yell “THANK GOD”. Girl laughs. When I exit I yell “thank you for saving my life”.

I proceed to fill my metro tap card. I wait for the 501, first time taking an express bus and within 15 minutes I’ve arrived in Burbank. I need to pee. I go to the hospital which the stop is near. I see a basket with “prayer request”, grab a slip and write down my request….please pray as I’m going to an audition, nothing to do with being sick or ill. I go back out for some tea, I go back in to pee and brush my teeth. I look like a hippie with my Mexican bought purple and pink hippie backpack.

I finally walk over for my audition. I am told that I have to impersonate a specialist of something I have no idea of. In the audition, I am suddenly struck with that tv show I once watched and am captivated in speech. How did I become so intelligent in this area?

All is done. I exit and meet a stranger at a bus stop. We talk about work and life. Within 15 minutes I’m back in Pasadena. I am hungry, for something. I don’t know what. But suddenly I realize it is French Fries. I walk over to the Taco place for french fries and drop loads of raddishes and salsa into the bag. I’m sitting outside and sees the owner of that bar across. I’ve stuffed myself. I walk over for some boba. I’m really in a rush, and I don’t know why. But as I’m peeing I realize, I just want to get home and watch netflix already. 

When I finally get home there is a package awaiting me.

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments. I squeal when I open it. Just what I needed in this really particular day and moment. I’m captivated by the drawings and the introduction. What was moments of free time for Jorey (the author), became expressions of love and ordinary moments that turned extraordinary. I’m in love, with those ordinary moments, like when a stranger walked into the eco-saving bathroom and created light for me to wipe my ass. 5 out of 5 as I will be using this journal to write down moments of pee and poop. It is SO affordable in my opinion, everyone should have one. 


Ps- I did receive this book to give an honest review. I’m honest as can be right?

2 Years Later


Almost 2 years after I signed with a commercial acting agent, I find myself in a place I’ve never thought I’d be.

Instead of going and following a traditional path, God led me to places I never thought I’d go. I backpacked in Europe for 2 months, I went to England, Spain, Czech Republic, Italy, Germany, Holland….right after I signed and was supposed to go the traditional path. I had a dream that confirmed my next step, I was to quit my career in real estate.

I auditioned a bunch in the entertainment industry, but something inside of me needed more of life, love and healing. I felt that God had closed all the doors. I wanted to go deeper with God and even though everything around me told me to follow the A, B, C’s, I listened to my heart. 

I had been an entrepreneur for 5 years, but I was still holding onto my dreams, not allowing God to possess all of my heart.

Then I moved, I sold everything.

God was building my insides, my power, my identity.

In September of last year, I left LA with a one way ticket to Thailand. I traversed through Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, then Taiwan.

This year, God opened doors for me to “travel for free”, through and with my passions. I got to do a travel show in Paris, I then went to Morocco on my own. I came back and flew to Philippines for a fashion tv show. Even then I realized that I had held onto personal “hows”- meaning I had a controlled plan for what I thought should happen and what I thought God should do to open doors for me to honor Him.

Now I know God never works in our finite ways. 

He is infinitely creative and we really need to get out of our own ways. 

It has been a few months since I’ve auditioned at all for anything. I’ve just been focusing on my inner strength and strengthening the relationships I have. Today I’ll go in not looking to please, but to go with the power and spirit that God has put inside of me. I’ve grown in many ways, but the most important way- knowing my identity, not in the stamp of approval that society and industries give, but in knowing my daughtership in Christ. 


Simplified Chinese and Jewish grandmas. 

“Look into the camera, think of all the things you’ve been through.”

Yes, I’ve been through hell and back. My eyes sunk, with a depressed voice I started reading the simplified Chinese on the board. If only she knew what I’ve been through. Of course I wouldn’t get this one, I’ve just butchered the whole Chinese language.

I waited for the bus, a 2 hour ride home. 2 grandma- aged ladies start complimenting my outfit. A 1 hour conversation ensues on the bus. I’m reminded that we are always at the right place at the right time, not always to get the goal, but to enjoy the process, and this time with my two Jewish mamas. Hearing their stories remind me how our lives are rich with love and lost, and that is the true beauty of growth.



I had a dream I was teaching a class and people were rolling their eyes or laughing at what I had to say even though it was my life story: God has made me unrejectable. I woke up crying. My heart was twingy.

Jesus claimed me before I was born. I was not planned, my dad was having an affair and my mom was in the angriest state of her life. I was in the womb.

I am reminded God chooses the unlikely.

He chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. 

So that it is not by human might or power but by spirit.

A warrior must overcome great challenges to become stable in her heart. Unmovable. Firm. Steady. Unrelenting.

Besides being an accident, I was moved from home to home, country to country. Later rejected by peers, by family. For some reason I never gave up. I wanted to live for my dream. I wanted something more out of life, I didn’t want to settle.

Institutions rejected me.

Or did not have the capacity to accept the wondrous, the extrordinary.

I chose to forgive because I have been forgiven.

Religion vomitted me out, church folks vomitted out.

I did not stay silent, I continued to speak up. I spoke up to supervisors at work, I spoke up to producers, I spoke up to professors, I spoke up to leaders.

I stood out, I got laughed at because of my unmatching stockings.

Then in the moments of rejection, I would feel His embrace “you are perfect, I made you perfectly”. 

I became fearless, I became wild and free, carefree.

Because I knew whose I was. 

So if you feel rejected, remember that it just means some people have no capacity for different things, for extraordinary. God created you perfectly.

It is all training so that when hundreds and thousands are against you, you will be able to stand for what you believe (with your heart unfettered by anger, bitterness and hate).