(I took this photo 8 years ago in shanghai. I am reminded of how much I have grown because of Christ power)
I felt like God wanted me to write this for the women out there. This is especially for you. This post pertains to being free of needing a man.

Growing up, I thought it would be so nice to have a boyfriend. They would fulfill all my needs, as I saw in comic books or romance novels.

I soon found out that boys brought more trouble than security.

Liking a guy was like being put in a small boat on a stormy ocean.

I often found myself attracted to guys with similar heart wounds. Whether it was a guy with mother issues or a guy with “I’m not good enough” issue, the issues were plenty. As long as I was still unhealed from these wounds, they would come attracted to the festering wound, hoping to find solace in a similar void.

I also got bored easily. Once this guy no longer filled my fantasy world of romance and love, I would be attracted to another man.

I felt powerful when I could hurt someone, because I did not need to be vulnerable.

In Genesis 3, Eve was subjected to the punishment of sin.

“To the woman He said,
……your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you.”

When Jesus came, He came to FREE women from that punishment.

So when you accept Jesus into your life, your life comes back to how God created you originally- free from punishment and sin.

This means you no longer desire to worship a man, but you have your mind back. You worship God and you have autonomy in your emotions. You no longer need a man in your life to fulfill your emotional voids; longing for stability, security, acceptance…all that comes from God.
You know you are enough and you are not lacking a better half.

You become whole again under the freedom of Christ.

After my last relationship, I dated people but had enough. I got to a point where I realized I just needed to surrender to God and make Him my everything.

In surrendering, He completely healed my heart of soul wounds and voids that would attract wounded men.

I have been single for 4 years and am completely fine with it. Though the enemy may try to whisper that I’m not enough, God’s truth comes and says “you are enough” in Christ Jesus.

It sounds crazy, but in being whole I actually repelled wounded men and no longer became a magnet for brokenness.

I could stand on my own for years and not feel the affect of the enemy trying to persuade me to fall for another emotionally absent man.

This post is for any women who feel forever jaded.

Give your heart to God and you will never look back. You will never need to subject yourself to that punishment of being soul tied to a wounded soul.

The man will not rule over you like a haunted ghost.

You will be able to get your mind and life back. God wants you free.

Sometimes in the waiting we question God’s love for us.

It’s like when a toddler wants to cross the street but the father pulls her back because there are cars coming.
Sometimes we will be able to go but there are times we have to wait for the green light.

Our lives are a series of green and red lights but often than not, we are often standing at the red light wondering how we ended up there.

God says to me “I want you to turn to me during the red light because life isn’t about going anywhere specific but walking with me. I don’t want you to run ahead without me. I want you to be in relationship with me because that is where true love, satisfaction, fulfillment is, it’s all in me…it’s not in a career, a relationship with others, in attaining material goods, in fame….it’s in me”.

“Even in the green light, always walk with me”.

“I don’t want you to be so busy chasing what you think will give you happiness that you forget the only One that can give you true happiness”.

“If you’d just look to me, I will give you the world. I’ll give you every desire of your heart and more.

I want my children to delight in me. Intimacy with me is the only thing that will give you true fulfillment and true happiness”.

I’m the kind of person that grew up trying to walk before crawling. True story. My mom told me.
I fell again and again.
Later in life I became very type A. I became very ambitious, I wanted to do a lot in a short time and I did accomplish a lot for awhile. I started a fashion club in high school, took many AP classes and even took a college French class in the summer.
I don’t quite remember this but apparently I cried a lot because of it.

One day I found myself coming home with a banged up eye after body surfing in the ocean.
I tried to hide it but my mom noticed right away.
Rest was never really in my vocabulary until I started to see the consequence of uninhibited ambition.
I had shingles at 14, something you’re supposed to get when you’re over 60.

Not only did I not know how to express my emotions, I was often absorbing the emotions of those around me. If my parents were fighting, I could feel the pain in my body.

I was a child.

God started to teach me when to rest, He knew what I needed when I needed it. Though people around me would forget I was recovering from a breakup, God never did. I was good at faking fine, but in actuality, I was low key depressed and could feel a cloud over my head.

He knew that healing was not overnight.
So He would tell me to rest.
Many times I found myself resting when I really didn’t want to.
In Bali one year I got into a moped accident and instead of eat, pray, love, I was eat, pray, lay down.
I was frustrated, I wanted to be free to do whatever I wanted to but God knew better.

Perhaps I just needed to process and heal.

I often think that when God promotes me or launches me that I will suddenly not need to rest.
I imagine myself just constantly doing something but I am reminded that God is rest…

He doesn’t need to strive, He is continually resting.

Today I went on this water slide and was excited by its speed.
The second time I went on it I seriously wanted to throw up.
This got me thinking….
We may want speed and excitement but maybe what we need is calm and rest.
Though we may want to constantly be exploring the world but maybe it’s our soul God wants us to explore and reset.

Maybe it’s God we are able to find true excitement and exploration in.

Though traveling the world is exciting, I am realizing that God is my excitement.
Though I may eat incredible food or go on water slides, if I don’t listen to my inner knowing- I will be stretching myself too thin.
I can live in true freedom sure but it’s important to listen to our inner wisdom.
The second time on the water slide, my reflex was telling me “girl you’re over doing it, my body can’t take it right now. You had a full cheesy meal with milk tea”.

There were times I really wanted to get my scuba diving license but I would get allergies….God knew I couldn’t handle the physical exertion. And even this time I heard Him say “another time”.

It’s not that God wants to deprive you of things, experiences or people- it’s that He knows us so well that He knows exactly what we need when we need it.

Whether it’s traveling, marriage, career, ministry, friendships, etc…God knows and His timing is perfect. He won’t give you more than you can handle.

You may want more friends but He knows that your heart might not be ready to be vulnerable and you might experience another traumatic experience He wants to protect you from.

You may want to travel more but it’s not travel that you need, maybe it’s just discovering who you are.

I believe that we experience trauma from experiences when we go before God instead of after Him.

When we want to skip the “becoming” for the “doing” we go outside of God’s insurance.
Sure God is still with us and He will protect us but there are consequences to not heeding His voice.

Yes we have the freedom to live however we want, but like a Father He will tell you- “don’t cross the street when there are cars coming by. Wait for the green light”.

When we don’t wait for God’s green light we often get hit by “cars” of life He never intended us to get hit by!

God I choose to wait for Your timing. I will rest when You tell me to because sometimes I’m ignorant of what I really need.

And I’ll run when you tell me to go because you’ve helped me save up my energy for what You intended me to use it for.

I will go with the rhythm of your Spirit.

 

Conversations with God about worth, finance, values and societal constructs.

God- you have everything you need to do what you need to do and want to do.

R- but sometimes I experience lack.

God- you are enough.

God- my values are totally different from the world. The world = X amount of effort = x amount of outcome.

Me = outcome.

So many of my children seek the things of this world for stability not knowing if they will just rest in me they will have the world.

They seek certainty in paper bills when certainty is in me.

Some of my children hold back what I have put in them because they believe they should receive finance in exchange for the gift and and talents I have put in them, but I have given them Jesus…when they pour out what I’ve put in them they’ll see Jesus is never ending life giver, finance giver.

There is no lack in Christ Jesus.

When you experience lack or fear of lack you have started to fix your eyes on what you see versus who I am.

Will I not provide for my beloved? Especially for those who have chosen to pour out their lives like drink offerings?

My love is unceasing. So is my provision.

Look and see, some people in this world have everything but still experience lack. They haven’t seen themselves the way I see them. That they are enough in my eyes.

That they are beloved.

When they experience my love for them; continually and consistently they will be able to drink from a never ending supply of provision.

I don’t operate like humans.

They think effort = outcome but when you give of yourself; continually drawing from me, you have exponential provision.

I am life.

I am abundance.

I am love.

I know you have poured out your everything, there is more…and see me provide in exponential ways.

For you are a prophet, and prophets earn their keep.

People stay in lack because they limit me. They limit themselves to the equation of effort=outcome.

You have seen miracles because of your willingness to go into the unknown (me= outcome).

 

 

I get asked these questions here in Taiwan-
– what are you doing here?
– Are you working?
– Are you married? Why not.

Things that require definite answers. The truth is I know God sent me here to set captives free, to share light and truth with people and this trip has all about just following the spirit. It’s been an amazing journey of indefinite ways and indefinite living.
But most people don’t understand that. Most people don’t understand not having a plan, most people don’t understand unconditional trust.

Most of us desire definite answers, we want to feel secure. We want to know that we are safe, but we often then crave adventure, we crave excitement.

I wonder if that’s why people cheat in marriages.

I wonder if that’s why people get addicted to drugs that get you high and outside of reality.

Surrendering and letting go is actually the only way to live a happy life.

You can be clear minded and still consciously choose to surrender, you don’t have to become a beach bum or a hippie.

In fact, surrendering means consciously letting go of control. And letting God.

God will often send me on assignments to meet a specific stranger, to give a word to this new friend. In the moment, it may be exciting, intense but sometimes even spiritually dark.

But when I’m back and I’ve finished my assignment to speak love and life to this one person…I am often in an in between place, a place of simply being and waiting.

This being space is full of question marks, where and what next? Who?

And that’s the space I learn to let go and remember I’m not in control, God is.

So in the waiting I can just be, and relax. Because it’s in relaxing that you are love. Love causes us to relax because there is absolutely no fear….no fear of the future.

What do you say? Let go.

Have unconditional trust in the one who protects and provides for you each and every day. Don’t worry about tomorrow, He has given you grace for today – will He not do it again?

One day at a time.

You are enough.

To answer those questions- I am following the Spirit. No I am not married, why not? Because he is coming. I will go where the Spirit leads and I have unconditional trust, even if I get scared- I choose to trust.

We want adventure yet we want certainty. Allow God your Father to be your certainty and you will never lack adventure.

 

Owning your desire
Most people don’t want to own their desires because when you choose your desires and what it is you want, you must forsake the other less desirable options.

When you own your desires you may face rejection, ridicule, criticism and judgement. You will be outcasted by some. Some may laugh at you, but that is the cost of owning your desires.

Everyone has different desires. Some people desire for marriage and some desire to be single. Some want to have kids, some never. Some people want to travel and some never want to. But to each his/her own.

There is not much compromise when you realize you will always prioritize your highest desires. You may feel that you’ve prioritized others before your own desires- but what you’ve prioritized is really other people’s opinions of you. Being liked and accepted is more important than anything else; If that is the case, you will forfeit any desire that goes against the grain of peoples’ approval.

Owning your desires means committing to your heart and saying yes to your soul. It means forsaking others to choose what makes you come alive.

Others will try to make you feel guilty for choosing the path you’ve chosen once you commit to your desires. You may be living the life you want but feeling a nagging sensation “I don’t deserve this”, but it is grace that has granted you this life. Receive freely. Let go of guilt consciousness.

As children, we must separate from our parents to find our true path and desires. In Asian societies, children who are grown often continue submitting to the desires of their parents.

As parents, you must learn to let go of your children knowing they are souls that were only passing through your body but purposed by God for something great. Children are not yours, they are God’s.

You can empathize for people’s sufferings but you shouldn’t lower your standards to accommodate for people’s sufferings. Jesus paid the price for your happiness. You shouldn’t allow anything less.

Yes you may go through your own seasons of suffering but they are meant to be temporal and causes inner growth. They also cause you to cling more tightly to Jesus.

The end result should always be more joy, more happiness.

That is God’s intention for you.