Love Was Not A Safe Word

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Palm springs

Okay peeps, shit is going to get real in this post. Read this if you need to clarify some relationships with family, friends, non-friends, frenemies, boyfriend, girlfriend, wives, husbands, etc. I’m not a psychologist but I have lived an intense life and have also coached people about their lives.

Growing up in a single mother Asian household, I realized something….love was not a safe word. I never felt safe because love was basically obeying your parent, doing what they say, and trusting they are right. And as you know many parents, or most or all are not perfect, so when they give you sound wisdom about how you should eat your chicken, you either obey or your question their way of eating chicken. 

Because her life seemed stressful enough, I bore the burdens of a parent, of being one. I put my own emotional needs aside to handle the stress of being home and to listen to the needs of my parent.

Consequences– I became a people pleaser and believed that I needed to help others before myself. The training of the institutional church did not help either. So I suffocated my own problems. NOW I also LOVED being alone because I found that most people wanted to control my life so I found it much easier to be alone with my own thoughts. I also felt that everyone was a smaller version of my mom so I often escaped to find my personal freedom. I was able to finally find people who would allow me to be myself, however because most people are not aware enough to dig up the reasons behind their behavior, I often have to draw a line between those relationships.

I’m glad that I did enough soul searching and reading to actually realize all this and CHANGE! Because I can’t imagine what a shitty life I’d have if I had continue being a people pleaser.

Going on vacation with my mom kind of clarified why I was the way I was…

Here are some things people use in relationships.

  1. Manipulation- “If you do this, I’ll pay more attention to you, I’ll give you more love”

“I’m providing for you, you better be grateful”

“Ten years ago, you fucked up my car…so you will pay for it by my punishing you in various ways”

Truth is if it was really unconditional love….you give love without expecting anything back, you give according to your perimeters, you don’t use it to manipulate that person’s love for you.

Consequences of long term manipulation- 

Manipulator- has no idea what BOUNDARIES mean and expect others to live their lives for him or her. He or she is a tyrant in life and is often disappointed, probably will end up with no friends because their rules are impossible to live by.

Manipulated one- has no idea what FREEDOM looks like in their personal and public life, does not know how to make choices on their own, always thinks others know better. He or she is always a victim who does not take personal responsibility for their lives….because the choice to submit to a manipulator is a choice. 

2. Control- Control is probably the creepiest one, because a lot of times we don’t see it until we get physically sick from it. 

“Go wash the dishes now, go fix my car now, call me now, where are you? Who are you with? You have to do this and this and this, if you don’t it shows you have no love for me”

“Because you didn’t DO THIS ONE THING for me, you hate me, you don’t love me”. By threatening with control, that person is able to control what you do for them.

Truth is if it was really unconditional love…..you’d give people freedom to be whoever THE FUCK they want to be and to do whatever they want to. Now if you want to suggest how you feel loved (5 love languages), then tell them, do not threaten them with by “withdrawing love”. How I experienced that in my life? My parent never ever said sorry and when we fought, this is what happened….silence for 3-4 days, yep, and not looking at me, like I was some non-person.

Consequences of control- 

  1. Controller- Needs to know what is going on all the time. If someone does not respond to their text when they want, often freaks out and then accuses the person of negligence. Often does not enjoy life, cannot enjoy life, probably doesn’t drink (joking), has fear that they are out of control.
  1. Controlled- Fear of doing wrong in private and public life. Often needs to ask for permission to do something, creatively suppressed, cannot find the courage to draw outside the lines.

Now, finding freedom from these issues can be difficult but know that God’s love is powerful enough for you to break free. Consciousness is worth having to live a free life.

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Thousand Palms

If you need a meter for which you know your personal boundaries are being crossed….

  1. If you have physical aches, usually that is a sign of discomfort, boundaries being crossed.
  2. Discomfort emotionally, from 1-10 how uncomfortable do you feel
  3. If you feel emotions of fear or intimidation

What to do when these things happen: 

  1. Take time away from the person to access the relationship, to give your heart space to breathe and feel
  2. Say “no” or create verbal boundaries such as “I do not feel that way”, “no thank you”
  3. Find a way to create physical boundaries

And if it gets unhealthy, please find a way to stay away from the person. You must put yourself first.

The Devil Wants To Shut Me Down

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The devil wants to shut me down, I love how he uses strangers and people who don’t even know me. My words are power, by my words I am justified.

My words are the expression of my life, I’ve always written, ever since I was young. In some governments and society freedom of speech is prohibited. In religious institutions where the spirit of control reigns, speech is limited and oppressed. 

Writers, Artists are oppressed, shunned, excommunicated. 

Words are powerful. And that is why I will continue to write whatever the fuck I want. 

Because I am a shocking person, I am an outcast who loves the outcast. I am a revolutionist who loves to shock people with my life. 

Tell me what to write when you have put your life on the line for love. Tell me what to write when you have lived as fearlessly as I have. Tell me what to write when you have trudged the forests on your own, survived death and back, tell me what to write when you have put your heart on the line for God.

I will not back down for the life of me.

My words are my heartbeats, my words are an expression of the blood running through me. I am a shock to society. I am younger than most, wiser than most, older than some, but with a hundred thousand lifetimes.

I am a spirit and a soul that no one has ever seen before. I have got all the saints and angels, prophets and leaders who have gone before me cheering me on. Believe me, you cannot control the words that God speaks through me. 

So I will write WHATEVER the fuck I want. 

Even if it offends you.

 

 

Love is here and now

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I am here, now and with you.

God is not in the distance, God is here with you, I am right here. I am not when you get the new car or find a new friend or relationship, I am here and now.

I found myself holding my breath and walking fast, I want to get home so I can relax. I hear “I am here within you”. GOD is with me, wherever and whenever, I dont have to wait to get somewhere else to access His presence. When we get anxious we forget that God is in control of our problems, we are not alone.

GOD IS NOT INTERESTED IN ONLY SOLVING OUR PROBLEMS, He desires a relationship where we can vent to,talk to and reason with Him…where we can be emotionally vulnerable. God is not interested in human strength, in fact he says “in your weakness I am made strong” or I would say “in my weakness God’s strength comes through the more”. That is why he loves when we come asking for help, he loves our confusion, he loves the tears as we finally come to the end of ourselves and to the beginning of God miracles.

 

Emotional Vulnerability

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(Phuket, Thailand)

I’m stepping out and letting my heart be exposed. I’m letting go of control. Your heart is safe for me.

I’m learning emotional vulnerability with God. I’ve had a relationship with God since I was very young. I didn’t grow up with my dad, and my mom was rather emotionally unavailable. I often played under the table in my room. I had a really wild upbringing, mostly being home alone at a young age. I was free in a way, but always looking for protection, always defending and protecting my heart. I read an article I wrote about my life in a newspaper to my mom once and she got really mad, told me not to write about it because it seems like she was really irresponsible and neglected me.

But I realize that when I’m vulnerable with the world, perhaps I can reach one person who feels alone, someone in pain, someone who isn’t brave enough to ask others for help.

I’m afraid to write honestly because of how mean the world has been to me. Because of the response I’ve gotten to my writing, because of the judgement I’ve heard from strangers. Here’s vulnerability. 

I’ve been afraid to be myself because how the world has treated me, or perhaps how I’ve treated myself. 

For awhile my heart was numb because of all the pain I went through in my life. I felt pain because of I felt like I couldn’t breathe again after a broken relationship, I felt pain because I lost friends that were dear to me, I got mad at God, I closed my heart off. Instead of going to God for comfort, I pretended everything was okay.

Joseph had a dream, a big dream and his brothers laughed at him, he was tricked and sent to prison for years. That was his desert. I’m just walking out of the prison. The prison was people who were close to me laughing at my dreams. The prison was my shutting my heart off. The prison was pretending to forgive and forget, but feeling the pain still. The prison was my unwillingness to believe that God was safe. 

And slowly I poured my heart out, it is a physical tension I still feel. I’ll feel a literal ache in my heart, my neck starts to hurt and in the pressure of all the stress, my hand has felt numb as if an after effect of my heart tension.

So in it all, I let go of controlling the pain or the fears. Because I know you are safe God. 

 

 

Divine Letting Go

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That is the formula to letting God work in your life, let go of control….of everything. And what that means is watch the second season of Jane The Virgin, I still have 11 episodes left. It is currently my favorite show. She also happens to be a writer. I also love Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and her name happens to be Rebecca.

Anyways, being an empath, I feel deeply for people when they are in pain. I have been trying to help a family member who is depressed over her life, so here I am helping her….but in attempt to, I got depressed myself because she would take her frustration out on me. I confronted her and she apologized, even saying I dont remember yelling at you,…when you are depressed you dont realize you hurt people because you cant see right.

So I thought, I got to get some alone time. Divinely, I arrived 5 minutes before a free zumba class at the library. How divine! Then I BUMP into my friend at the check out! What? More like she called my name….what?

So I took a zumba class I did not plan for.

And well my mind was analyzing my life. Okay, let go of that family member, allow her to help herself. Stop letting her life depress you. Let her go through her own process. 

Then I thought, okay what are the chances that I am just imagining myself dancing in a latin American country? I AM ALSO LEARNING ESPANOL!!! I THINK I Am ready to move there right now.

Then as I am binge watching my tv show, some other friend says hi to me at starbucks. So instead of trying to figure out my life or the next country or project that I am supposed to go to or work on, living in flow is just that…..dancing the journey (and enjoying it), instead of focusing on how perfect the steps are.

The right people and the right things will call your name-

Rebekka???

Yes I am here!

 

The Myth of Not Being Enough

You are enough, for God. But usually not for humans. If you were purely living in grace, you are enough. Now, when you’re a kid, you get to play, and you’re allowed to be goofy. As you grow up, you gradually notice that you are rewarded for “being good” to your parents. You know, being obedient. Then, you are applauded for accomplishing things like getting A’s, being president of some volunteer organization or club at school, writing a good essay for your college, getting into a good college, dating the right kind of person that your friends approve of, looking nice, losing weight, the list seems to go on.

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That’s me just playing, because I wanted to, because I was curious, because I was interested, not because I was being forced to.

As you get older, you are applauded for getting the right kind of job with the right salary, you are congratulated for having a kid, getting married, maybe staying at a few luxury resorts….you get applauded for trying, but not really for failing. Or for living at home with your parents when you are 30…definitely not applauded for still being single and doing odd jobs and freelancing….you definitely are not applauded for “being” because “being” seems lazy, seems well, lazy times two.

Your whole life after 3 years old, or whatever age you stopped playing because your parents wanted you to “succeed”, is a whole list of doing, trying, accomplishing, checking off lists. It’s a tiring rat race.

After I became self-employed, I had to release the idea of trying. I hustled really hard. And even that wasn’t freedom, it was slavery to the whole system of striving. When I finally gave into what I call grace, allowing God to open the right doors, I still struggle with it at times…but now I’m more sensitive to it.

The spirit of striving is like this spirit that sits on your shoulder and tells you “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH = DO MORE!” 

Do you ever notice that when you want attention and love from people, you rarely get it? You seem desperate and people can smell it? But when you’re content and filled with love, people love to bother you. It’s because that is BEING. The God void in your heart isn’t supposed to come from people, they can’t fill your every need. It’s supposed to come from within, a divine Godly love.

And when you are filled with DIVINE LOVE, people are attracted to real unconditional, spirit filled love. A desperate need for love comes from fear, fear of not being enough. Fear that you need peoples’ approval. 

Yesterday my mom was like “if only you had studied something else”. I’m like, “you want a happy daughter or a miserable one?” And Helen Fisher had really helped me discover my personality, I got 97% explorer, which just means I don’t like being controlled and I love excitement and variety…….paired with builder is a no no because they tend to be too structured and have a need for stability. Which makes a lot of sense because in my past relationships the guy didn’t even have a passport. And here I am literally itching to go to 100 more countries.

SO rest into what I call divine grace.

And if you don’t understand what that means, ask. And you shall receive the answer as I am slowly learning. It’s a lifestyle, it’s a divine now.

You are enough. Stop doing and start soaking in the love that fills you to the overflow. 

“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.”- Romans 11:6

Don’t Act Like A Slave

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Why do we act like slaves when we have been given freedom?

I used to be her.

Uppity, full of worldly ambition, striving, smiling to be nice and to please ther world….running in the same rat race. But i got to so many places and saw that everyone has an imaginery cage.

You know, the person with a business who has become a slave to her own business, unable and unwilling to take a break, feeding her ego : look everyone I must be important because I am busy!!!! Busy doing who knows what, busy serving other people. Ego.

Or the person who will not stop to enjoy himself just because everyone else is enslaved. To buts, can’ts, will not, one day.

When will we become conscious?

I used to be her. And so as i sat there, felt an uneasy gratitude, I have evolved so much yet it was such a difficult journey to awaken to freedom.

We all have freedom to do what we want, why do we wait until someone gives us permission?

Fear is irrational. It only becomes real when we believe it.