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A lot of religious people would persecute me for this but…

A year and a half ago I had a dream that I was swiping on a dating app and I heard “get ready”. I thought it was only about finding my soulmate, I had no idea that it was part of my ministry.

I’ve reach thousands of people in the last few years, my purpose is to pastor lost sheep. So of course I am dealing with people left and right and also dealing with the drama, the triggers, the trauma of people.

People have called me “trashy” and “ho-ish” for talking to guys but believe it or not, a lot of the lost sheep that God brings to me now are men.

Some conservatives will use all kinds of rules to bar me and tell me not to, but even when I am swiping I hear God say “him”. And yes, I may not even be attracted to them. But that’s how I live everyday, my heart is led to lost sheep, the hurt, the outcasted.

So whatever means God brings me to them is God’s business.

The other day I met a guy outside Macy’s. He is a father of 2, he is on probation for beating up his dad while he blacked out and was high. I see him like a father figure, not a romantic partner. I have told him this. I’ve learned to have grace for men. His dad forgave him. He has no custody over his kids because of being on probation.

I met another guy online who was deeply wounded by the church, priests.

So no wonder the Devil threw insults at me through people. People have no idea the level of love I have for people. My heart will break and forgive when the lost sheep try to hurt me. I will weather all kinds of hurt and accusations. And of course I will speak my mind and be honest with those that hurt me.

I had several people block me and I felt the spirit of rejection try to attack me.

Last night I actually had a dream some witch was trying to attack me. But then some guy put two umbrellas over me. In the dream several witches tried to attack me. I also somehow got into a celebrities’ (screenwriters) house. She was a famous screenwriter and I was carrying a chair into her home. I thought she was going to freak out but she didn’t. I was part of the party. But I was scared to be found out. Eventually I started playing “throw the rocks” with her and all these people started exercising.

Yesterday the Lord told me to go to San Diego, I missed the early train and gave up. I was disappointed but later at night the Lord led me to eat with someone who was actually from San Diego. Okay God I get it.

I met a Christian who reached out to me on Facebook. Most of the people I reach have been severely hurt by other Christians. So imagine when I tell them the truth, they do not take it well.

God told me to tell this guy the truth. I said before we even met that I just wanted to be friends, but he thought there could be more. I also noticed his breath smelled but didn’t say anything. But then I had a dream someone stole my phone and replaced it with a fake one (communication).

I realized that I needed to tell him the truth (I kept hearing God say to tell him the truth), but when I did he accused me of not being tactful and lacking discernment.

He said that not everything I hear is God.

I have been prophesying for years, so not obeying God would be disobeying my heart. I knew I had to break off the fear in my heart. I was afraid of how he would react and sure enough he did not react well. In fact, despite how deep our conversations were, he said that there was no reason for us to talk anymore.

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“I feel emotionally blocked and I don’t know why. I used to feel like I can tell you everything but I can’t anymore.”

“You know what it is, I think I wish you were the one, but you’re not”, tears streamed down my face.

The ship has sailed and I needed to recognize that God had better for me. He kept calling me, he still thought of me, but I needed to move on. He wasn’t the one.

I went down to the beach with a friend and this friend had attachments. I had feelings for him but I woke up. I could be stupid enough to play myself or I could wake up. I decided to wake up. This guy that probably had false responsibility heard about my day and decided to offer food to me. We had tried for 3 weeks, but I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t the one. He wasn’t even Christian, but he was a good dad. He filled a hole in my heart that I missed out on, a dad role.

So that’s the healing God has been doing in my heart.

I went home after the beach and told my mom, with tears rolling down my face. “Mom, I realize it’s not your fault that dad was an alcoholic, I’m sorry I blamed you for loving him. You didn’t know”.

I didn’t understand why God still had me living with my mom. In our society, it looks weird. Why is a 32 year old still living on a cot at her mom’s house? But I saw the beauty of our stories healing. I needed to heal from my dad issues and my mom needed to heal from her divorce even though it has been 25 years.

As I told her each story about a guy hitting on my best friend, a married guy hitting on me, a guy living in his car, a guy who was molested by his parents…whether these were guys I met or guys I ministered to, her heart opened a little more.

I had to forgive myself for loving a codependent, an addict. My ex was an addict, he went to cigarettes, alcohol, weed for relief. He was always too scared to face his emotions. I put aside myself to serve him. I was a taxi driver, a codependent as well. I picked him up on Valentine’s Day because he wanted to drink with his best friend.

That was the last straw. I was way too nice. I didn’t know my worth.

But I know my worth now. I don’t need to compromise myself for a guy, and I don’t need a dad. I have a Heavenly Father.

I told my friend yesterday to stop drinking, to slow down, but he kept pouring vodka into his gatorade.

A codependent? I woke up. I didn’t need to change anyone. I could only focus on myself and I chose myself. I have chose myself over and over in different situations……

Ladies, we play ourselves to be wanted and loved. But that’s not love.

Love protects, love honors, is he honoring you?

So I broke the cycle and chose myself. I went home by myself when I could have pretended to enjoy myself, but I didn’t. I wasn’t going to ignore my heart.

I broke two cycles. I walked away from someone who didn’t know what he wanted, an alcoholic, and I walked away from the past.

I met a girl too who told me – “what if you knew your husband was going to come in 6 months and you got rid of everyone that isn’t your husband”. It woke me up. I didn’t need to compromise or help anyone. I’m not here to be liked, I’m here to meet my husband. I’m not here to play games, I’m here to be chosen by my one.

Every person in my movie has been integral to my healing and vice versa. As God reveals the trauma and triggers of the past I’ve been able to breakthrough and love my heart better.

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Why should I be ashamed of my desire to be married?

When I was younger I thought people who wanted to get married was well annoying. I really didn’t understand why anyone would want to be married. I thought it was a drag, a commitment and I was scared of it. My parents were divorced and I saw a horrible example of marriage. Cheating was involved, fighting, arguing.

But now I’m not ashamed of my desire.

I talked to a young man yesterday in his twenties, he was referred to me by a friend but I had no idea he was that young.

He said he just wanted to have fun, he also never met a woman who was actually looking for her soulmate.

He said some hurtful things like “you’re old”. At first I got angry and just hung up the phone but then called back and told him how I felt.

I said that it hurt my feelings for him to say those things to me. I reached a breakthrough in my heart…I realized that there were things I needed to say to people that I never said.

I’m no longer afraid to confront people with my true emotions. There are still a few people I need to get things off my chest with.

Recently I told my truth, I was myself and I offended a friend’s boyfriend. He was such a people pleaser that he didn’t tell me how he felt. Instead he told my friend and they both blocked me out of their life. He didn’t take the opportunity to explain how he felt. For me, I felt used. I didn’t realize she was using me to scope out whether he was a good fit for her. I said that he wasn’t to begin with because he was caught red handed flirting with other girls and that’s why they broke up to begin with.

But it also freaked me out that she got into his Facebook account to read his messages.

The point is….when I was younger I didn’t know how to tell my truth, but now that I’ve matured, I have grown so much in emotional maturity this year.

I had a dream that I was wearing all white and I had a bow on my neck. I took it off and found a shade under a tree and I wanted to give my “guy” shade too. He was not too far away. I was really hot in the dream.

I am unashamed of my desires.

I think that some women are ashamed of their desires for love.

Ladies, there is no shame in wanting to be loved. Don’t allow others to say that you’re desperate. The amount of accusations that have been thrown at me have been hurtful.

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place”- married couple I met.

“So what, what if you get married, your husband won’t support you”- my mom.

“It’s going to be hard to find a virgin”- strangers. I said I’m not necessarily looking for a virgin but someone who is celibate for God and themselves.

I answered “God told me my husband is coming, He told me this over and over, I don’t need to doubt God”.

I may complain and I may be frustrated that I had to turn down a few guys, it broke my heart to tell them the truth because who wants to disappoint others? But the truth sets us free.

I would be doing you injustice by lying to you and spending more time with you just to be liked by you.

I’d rather tell you the truth and set you free.

God has brought a lot of men into my life to learn how to communicate, to love them, to honor them. I really hated men for awhile. My dad especially, my brother. They all ghosted me. My brother doesn’t pick up my calls. My dad doesn’t either.

But thank God God has restored my opinion of men.

Yesterday I met lyft driver. He was heart broken. He loved this really hot woman and he found out 5 months later she was a hooker. He felt stupid for believing her, for being lied to. She lied to him and even asked him for a good amount of money.

I said “it’s not your fault”. He said “it is my fault”. I could feel a burden on my shoulder and started praying for him.

When I was younger I would have blamed him. I would have said “oh men are dumb, they just get infatuated with a woman’s look”.

But since I’ve heard hundreds and maybe even thousands of men’s stories, I am able to have more compassion. Women get compassion, how come men don’t. It is unfortunate that their dicks do more of the talking than their heads sometimes, but I am learning to have more grace for them.

So you understand why God sends me to men now? And why I’ve learned to have compassion for them?

I hope you are well. May the Lord bless you and please consider giving to my ministry in breaking off the spirit of condemnation and showing the grace of God to the world!

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He was sparkly and handsome, but he was not my husband.

He is not my husband.

Great at communication, but neither a Christian. I just want this to be it! If this is it I won’t be disappointed.

But of course, the disappointment comes, the heartache comes. You miss what seemed familiar. You made someone familiar. Someone to hold onto, but again, the let down.

You felt loved in the moment, you felt accepted, wanted.

But now, it’s gone.

The feelings of pain arise.

“Now I don’t feel wanted” and that feeling of abandonment comes like a wave.

What is coming up for you?

Feelings of disappointment, abandonment, fear of loss, self-worth, rejection?

When I have to “let down” someone, I am also in pain. Because I know how it feels to be rejected. I was ecstatic, I was excited, the romanticism of the whole thing was great. But reality hits and you realize that he/she wanted a momentary bliss, not the long term thing. Or maybe you wanted a long term thing but you knew deep down he wasn’t the one. Or maybe he just wanted something casual.

Even if that person is honest from the beginning, the attraction can still be there and your heart doesn’t want to resist those emotions. Your heart wants what it wants.

How do I feel?

I feel let down. I feel angry. I feel disappointed. I wanted all the emotions of bliss but none of the pain. I tend to romanticize people. I think they’ll always be on my side and when they are not, I feel betrayed. I thought I was safe, but they blocked me, someone did, a few people did. I felt abandoned when that happened. Someone cussed at me for no reason.

Someone called me overbearing today, that hurt.

“Why don’t you just say something then if you think I’m overbearing. If you don’t want to do something, just say so. How is it my fault”.

Feelings are hurt. Things happen. You’re not perfect. You’re just being you but being you is “overbearing”. It makes me scared to be friends with anyone, or to be in relationship with people.

I’ve been called too much. Whatever fault people find in me, it makes me want to hide in a cave.

But there is someone who will appreciate you. Because you were made for a purpose. How you feel is how you feel and your emotions matter, so do theirs. Communicate how you feel.

He may not be the one but someone better is coming.

But it still hurts that he isn’t the one. Because you just wanted someone to rely on, someone to talk to, someone to lean on but again, let God mend your heart.

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I am overcoming things. I had a dream a girl with pink dreads pushed a dead person down the drain and I was also eating curry but then I got bored and left. I asked this girl for a ride. Death has to do with overcoming things or moving from one season to another. Food has to do with nourishment.

I had a breakthrough last night where I felt my emotions and cried. I talked to my friend’s friend, I met him for the first time. I listened to me talk about relationships and told me “yah a lot of women will seek abusive relationships and find comfort in it”. Not that I was in an abusive relationships but I believe that by being honest with each other even at the end, you can receive closure by relaying your heart to each other, the truth about how you feel. Guarding your emotions actually doesn’t help you move on. 

It’s releasing how you feel to that person that actually helps you receive closure.

I was like “what is wrong with me? How come I can’t move on”. 

But it was like a flood when I talked to my friend about his ex that we came to this understanding- we deserve better. 

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL BE VULNERABLE WITH YOU, someone who will love you and say what’s on their mind, someone who will care for you and not play games out of spite.

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I heard God say “write a blog post about tonight”.

I’m reposting this photo from a hostel in Singapore because I’m running out of space and have to upgrade or add space to my blog!

My heart has been breaking a lot and it feels really dramatic. Some days I can feel anger to the point where my heart explodes and suddenly I cry. I feel my heart very intensely. It’s kind of crazy.

So tonight I heard the Lord say “go to the abbey”.

My über driver told me about how he drives a lot of girls who sell their bodies. One girl who is 17 was promised $5,000 to have sex and she did it to help her mom because she said her mom doesn’t make much money (but her mom did not know about it).

Well the guy had sex with her after getting her drunk, made some tapes, and then took the money from her. She came out crying. This uber driver was like – she should not have lied to her mom about going to her friend’s place.

I got so angry. She didn’t realize what she was getting into. A lot of people don’t. I honestly wanted to find this guy and punish him. Apparently it’s happening a lot in LA. I PRAY GOD WILL EXPOSE THEM. I PRAY THEY WILL BE SENT TO PRISON ASAP! I PRAY THESE GIRLS WILL NOT FALL INTO THEIR TRAP. PLEASE GOD!

Then I went into the abbey but it didn’t feel right and I heard “Guisados”. I went there and met a girl across the table. She was also an actress and sold clothes at a flea market. Her parents all lived in another country. I heard the Lord say “tell her to go home”.

Then I met another girl and I said “I was supposed to go on a date but the guy wanted to eat at his place and I knew what that meant” and we talked about relationships. She said her ex used to hit her. Well, I wanted to cry.

I told her not to be afraid of men because not all men are like that.

On the street I met a guy and his sister. I approached them. We walked around and talked. They are half siblings and the girl told me how similar they are even though they are half siblings. I felt a pain in my heart and told them I had a half brother I never met. I was feeling a certain way and walked around. I called an uber home and cried because I really wanted to meet my half brother….one day! I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are enough”.

The über driver turned out to be Taiwanese OF COURSE!

He even went to a church I’ve been to in Taiwan. He was divorced and they had major trust issues in the relationship. God is so funny to bring just what we need.

I prophesied to him- I heard God say “it’s not your fault, don’t be afraid to love and to make mistakes. Put yourself out there again”. He was speaking to my heart and I knew it. Every time I prophesy to someone it’s for me too.

I know it sounds crazy but love hurts. I feel an intense slew of emotions everyday. Some people think it’s been unstable but I just allow myself to feel every emotion.

The other day I felt anger and I felt my heart want to explode, then suddenly the walls of my heart melted and I cried. I’ve never felt such intense emotions sitting by myself at a food court.

Today I hear the Lord say

“You are enough. It’s not your fault.

I love you so much. I will always be there for you, even when others aren’t. I’m here for you, always. I will never leave nor forsake you”.

Even as I reread this I feel tears well up. God I don’t want to love, I don’t want to open my heart. It hurts. I feel like I can’t trust myself or others. I’ll say no to you God but I’m not letting love in, I know it. I want to be loved but why does it hurt so much? Why do the people that you love the most hurt you the most? Their silence leaves a mark in your heart. Why did you choose me to love those who are hurt. Why can’t I be regular and just be a bitter person, why do I choose to forgive after they have hurt me.

The other day someone who I had feelings for said he slept with someone and even though I knew he wasn’t the one, I felt deeply for him since he really opened up to me emotionally. I felt this burning anger inside of me.

I felt my heart explode with anger and suddenly I burst out crying. How can I care for someone so quickly and deeply? I guess it’s because I really had no male figure to care for and when I can care for a man, I will care with all my heart. It’s also projection I know. So God is healing a lot of issues in my heart having to do with my past, my dad and my brother but it’s also helping others to be vulnerable with me.

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Tired of saying no I don’t want to sleep with you?
Say no to fuckboys today!
This comes from my year of dating where I felt overwhelmed by guys trying to change my mind about waiting until marriage to have sex.

I had guys tell me they loved me and the next day they slept with someone on a date. I’m like BOY BYE! 

CUPS, MUGS, BAGS, LEGGINGS, IPHONE CASES, MASKS ARE ALL AVAILABLE! 

ORDER MERCH TODAY AND SAVE YOURSELF SOME BREATHE!

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I just woke up from a dream where I kept looking at my face and there was a layer of fat around my face, a line of red around my face. I kept staring at it and trying to make it go away. I was focused on it. I had put on a covid mask before and there was acne where the mask was before.

When I woke up I realized I needed to write about it.

I hear God say “I don’t find fault in you”.

Recently I was hanging out with a friend that said he needed to run and go to the gym a lot. He said he needed to lose weight, stay fit. I could tell that he wanted to stay in shape but he said that for some reason it didn’t really work.

I told him he didn’t need to be so paranoid. He was good enough.

But to be honest, I’m pretty observant. I do notice that I notice fat in others but also myself. Someone commented that I’m so fit and so in shape but the truth is I’ve gained weight and I’m not in shape the way I was before.

I used to teach yoga and had a 4 pac.

But after I stopped teaching my muscles became fat.

I maintained a new theory on exercise. You should only do what you want to. If you want to dance, you should dance. You should run if you want to, not because you want to maintain fit. You should do things out of desire.

“I don’t find fault in you. You are perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You don’t need extra. You are enough. You are enough”.

My mom criticizes me a lot. She’ll tell me not to eat something. She says I’m gaining weight. She finds fault in me constantly. When she does it makes me want to get a starbucks frappucno, it makes me want to eat chocolate and a chocolate smoothie. It has the opposite effect.

My heart hurts and I want to indulge even more.

Because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. And then I feel worse.

But I hear the Lord say “YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE BLAMELESS IN MY EYES BECAUSE OF MY SACRIFICE” YOU ARE PURE AND BLAMELESS.

The other day my mom left her key in her car with the engine running and she went “I never do that”.

I laughed. Thank God. Because for some reason I lost my keys a few times the last few months and she yelled at me for it. She asked me why I was so careless. So when she did that I was happy because God was showing her that she is not perfect.

Do you constantly find fault in yourself? YOU ARE PURE IN God’s EYES. Nothing is ever good enough for my mom. I tried my whole life to be perfect but I realize it’s tiring. I am already perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of my own works and to prove that, I just need to pint to the cross, not to my own works.

If people accuse me of being a fake Christian, instead of trying to prove myself, my answer should really be “A real Christian is saved by grace, not by works. So it’s not dependent on their right doings. I don’t boast in anything I do right”.

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I’ve gone on so many dates this year it’s kind of crazy.

I’ve learned so much about men and so much about myself, so much about communicating with men. There’s been casualties and I’ve been a casualty myself but I’ve healed from a lot of trauma from the past.

I encourage singles to put yourself out there and not to be afraid of the process. I remember a girl prophesying over me “you’re going up the last mountain and it’ll be difficult but worth it”. I didn’t realize the last mountain was a relational mountain. It had to do with men.

When you’re going on dates you want to be liked by someone, but at the end of the day you have to be honest about what you want.

What do you want?

You’re like….okay I want this, but I feel loved by this person. The heart wants what it wants. How come I go for guys that are not available? And so when you communicate you start to realize why.

Maybe you don’t feel deserving of a love that is your own.

Maybe you’re actually scared of being loved by someone.

Maybe you’re terrified of getting hurt.

You will get hurt when you date. You will hurt others when you date. When you tell them “I only see you as a friend” it’s a disappointment to them. It hurt me too when I had to tell someone that.

At the end of the day you have to look at the truth...but why is it that humans don’t like the truth? Because it’s uncomfortable. It throws you from the known into the unknown.

If you stay with someone because it’s comfortable but you see all the red flags, you are in your comfort zone. At least you know there is someone who can be there for you.

When you realize the truth and face it, you may be alone and you
WILL face the pain of separation.

You’re going to disappoint people when you date.

You will tell the truth to them….whether it’s “I only see you as a friend” or “I’m not attracted to you” (this is something I had to tell a guy because he really didn’t get it).

Or maybe it’s “I see you as a father figure” (also something I have said to a guy).

The truth can hurt but when we face it, we will be pushed to go forward into what is our truth and genuine self and we will ATTRACT what we choose to truly be – 100% raw, genuine, unique you.

My profile says that I love Jesus and I am waiting until marriage to have sex, please do not try to change my mind. I want to get married and have 2 kids.

Have you stepped into your truth?

Do you believe YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT?

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Thank you for partnering with me to reach people for Christ! https://rebekkalien.com/2019/12/23/my…

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