He was sparkly and handsome, but he was not my husband.

He is not my husband.

Great at communication, but neither a Christian. I just want this to be it! If this is it I won’t be disappointed.

But of course, the disappointment comes, the heartache comes. You miss what seemed familiar. You made someone familiar. Someone to hold onto, but again, the let down.

You felt loved in the moment, you felt accepted, wanted.

But now, it’s gone.

The feelings of pain arise.

“Now I don’t feel wanted” and that feeling of abandonment comes like a wave.

What is coming up for you?

Feelings of disappointment, abandonment, fear of loss, self-worth, rejection?

When I have to “let down” someone, I am also in pain. Because I know how it feels to be rejected. I was ecstatic, I was excited, the romanticism of the whole thing was great. But reality hits and you realize that he/she wanted a momentary bliss, not the long term thing. Or maybe you wanted a long term thing but you knew deep down he wasn’t the one. Or maybe he just wanted something casual.

Even if that person is honest from the beginning, the attraction can still be there and your heart doesn’t want to resist those emotions. Your heart wants what it wants.

How do I feel?

I feel let down. I feel angry. I feel disappointed. I wanted all the emotions of bliss but none of the pain. I tend to romanticize people. I think they’ll always be on my side and when they are not, I feel betrayed. I thought I was safe, but they blocked me, someone did, a few people did. I felt abandoned when that happened. Someone cussed at me for no reason.

Someone called me overbearing today, that hurt.

“Why don’t you just say something then if you think I’m overbearing. If you don’t want to do something, just say so. How is it my fault”.

Feelings are hurt. Things happen. You’re not perfect. You’re just being you but being you is “overbearing”. It makes me scared to be friends with anyone, or to be in relationship with people.

I’ve been called too much. Whatever fault people find in me, it makes me want to hide in a cave.

But there is someone who will appreciate you. Because you were made for a purpose. How you feel is how you feel and your emotions matter, so do theirs. Communicate how you feel.

He may not be the one but someone better is coming.

But it still hurts that he isn’t the one. Because you just wanted someone to rely on, someone to talk to, someone to lean on but again, let God mend your heart.

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I am overcoming things. I had a dream a girl with pink dreads pushed a dead person down the drain and I was also eating curry but then I got bored and left. I asked this girl for a ride. Death has to do with overcoming things or moving from one season to another. Food has to do with nourishment.

I had a breakthrough last night where I felt my emotions and cried. I talked to my friend’s friend, I met him for the first time. I listened to me talk about relationships and told me “yah a lot of women will seek abusive relationships and find comfort in it”. Not that I was in an abusive relationships but I believe that by being honest with each other even at the end, you can receive closure by relaying your heart to each other, the truth about how you feel. Guarding your emotions actually doesn’t help you move on. 

It’s releasing how you feel to that person that actually helps you receive closure.

I was like “what is wrong with me? How come I can’t move on”. 

But it was like a flood when I talked to my friend about his ex that we came to this understanding- we deserve better. 

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL BE VULNERABLE WITH YOU, someone who will love you and say what’s on their mind, someone who will care for you and not play games out of spite.

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I heard God say “write a blog post about tonight”.

I’m reposting this photo from a hostel in Singapore because I’m running out of space and have to upgrade or add space to my blog!

My heart has been breaking a lot and it feels really dramatic. Some days I can feel anger to the point where my heart explodes and suddenly I cry. I feel my heart very intensely. It’s kind of crazy.

So tonight I heard the Lord say “go to the abbey”.

My über driver told me about how he drives a lot of girls who sell their bodies. One girl who is 17 was promised $5,000 to have sex and she did it to help her mom because she said her mom doesn’t make much money (but her mom did not know about it).

Well the guy had sex with her after getting her drunk, made some tapes, and then took the money from her. She came out crying. This uber driver was like – she should not have lied to her mom about going to her friend’s place.

I got so angry. She didn’t realize what she was getting into. A lot of people don’t. I honestly wanted to find this guy and punish him. Apparently it’s happening a lot in LA. I PRAY GOD WILL EXPOSE THEM. I PRAY THEY WILL BE SENT TO PRISON ASAP! I PRAY THESE GIRLS WILL NOT FALL INTO THEIR TRAP. PLEASE GOD!

Then I went into the abbey but it didn’t feel right and I heard “Guisados”. I went there and met a girl across the table. She was also an actress and sold clothes at a flea market. Her parents all lived in another country. I heard the Lord say “tell her to go home”.

Then I met another girl and I said “I was supposed to go on a date but the guy wanted to eat at his place and I knew what that meant” and we talked about relationships. She said her ex used to hit her. Well, I wanted to cry.

I told her not to be afraid of men because not all men are like that.

On the street I met a guy and his sister. I approached them. We walked around and talked. They are half siblings and the girl told me how similar they are even though they are half siblings. I felt a pain in my heart and told them I had a half brother I never met. I was feeling a certain way and walked around. I called an uber home and cried because I really wanted to meet my half brother….one day! I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are enough”.

The über driver turned out to be Taiwanese OF COURSE!

He even went to a church I’ve been to in Taiwan. He was divorced and they had major trust issues in the relationship. God is so funny to bring just what we need.

I prophesied to him- I heard God say “it’s not your fault, don’t be afraid to love and to make mistakes. Put yourself out there again”. He was speaking to my heart and I knew it. Every time I prophesy to someone it’s for me too.

I know it sounds crazy but love hurts. I feel an intense slew of emotions everyday. Some people think it’s been unstable but I just allow myself to feel every emotion.

The other day I felt anger and I felt my heart want to explode, then suddenly the walls of my heart melted and I cried. I’ve never felt such intense emotions sitting by myself at a food court.

Today I hear the Lord say

“You are enough. It’s not your fault.

I love you so much. I will always be there for you, even when others aren’t. I’m here for you, always. I will never leave nor forsake you”.

Even as I reread this I feel tears well up. God I don’t want to love, I don’t want to open my heart. It hurts. I feel like I can’t trust myself or others. I’ll say no to you God but I’m not letting love in, I know it. I want to be loved but why does it hurt so much? Why do the people that you love the most hurt you the most? Their silence leaves a mark in your heart. Why did you choose me to love those who are hurt. Why can’t I be regular and just be a bitter person, why do I choose to forgive after they have hurt me.

The other day someone who I had feelings for said he slept with someone and even though I knew he wasn’t the one, I felt deeply for him since he really opened up to me emotionally. I felt this burning anger inside of me.

I felt my heart explode with anger and suddenly I burst out crying. How can I care for someone so quickly and deeply? I guess it’s because I really had no male figure to care for and when I can care for a man, I will care with all my heart. It’s also projection I know. So God is healing a lot of issues in my heart having to do with my past, my dad and my brother but it’s also helping others to be vulnerable with me.

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Tired of saying no I don’t want to sleep with you?
Say no to fuckboys today!
This comes from my year of dating where I felt overwhelmed by guys trying to change my mind about waiting until marriage to have sex.

I had guys tell me they loved me and the next day they slept with someone on a date. I’m like BOY BYE! 

CUPS, MUGS, BAGS, LEGGINGS, IPHONE CASES, MASKS ARE ALL AVAILABLE! 

ORDER MERCH TODAY AND SAVE YOURSELF SOME BREATHE!

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I just woke up from a dream where I kept looking at my face and there was a layer of fat around my face, a line of red around my face. I kept staring at it and trying to make it go away. I was focused on it. I had put on a covid mask before and there was acne where the mask was before.

When I woke up I realized I needed to write about it.

I hear God say “I don’t find fault in you”.

Recently I was hanging out with a friend that said he needed to run and go to the gym a lot. He said he needed to lose weight, stay fit. I could tell that he wanted to stay in shape but he said that for some reason it didn’t really work.

I told him he didn’t need to be so paranoid. He was good enough.

But to be honest, I’m pretty observant. I do notice that I notice fat in others but also myself. Someone commented that I’m so fit and so in shape but the truth is I’ve gained weight and I’m not in shape the way I was before.

I used to teach yoga and had a 4 pac.

But after I stopped teaching my muscles became fat.

I maintained a new theory on exercise. You should only do what you want to. If you want to dance, you should dance. You should run if you want to, not because you want to maintain fit. You should do things out of desire.

“I don’t find fault in you. You are perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You don’t need extra. You are enough. You are enough”.

My mom criticizes me a lot. She’ll tell me not to eat something. She says I’m gaining weight. She finds fault in me constantly. When she does it makes me want to get a starbucks frappucno, it makes me want to eat chocolate and a chocolate smoothie. It has the opposite effect.

My heart hurts and I want to indulge even more.

Because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. And then I feel worse.

But I hear the Lord say “YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE BLAMELESS IN MY EYES BECAUSE OF MY SACRIFICE” YOU ARE PURE AND BLAMELESS.

The other day my mom left her key in her car with the engine running and she went “I never do that”.

I laughed. Thank God. Because for some reason I lost my keys a few times the last few months and she yelled at me for it. She asked me why I was so careless. So when she did that I was happy because God was showing her that she is not perfect.

Do you constantly find fault in yourself? YOU ARE PURE IN God’s EYES. Nothing is ever good enough for my mom. I tried my whole life to be perfect but I realize it’s tiring. I am already perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of my own works and to prove that, I just need to pint to the cross, not to my own works.

If people accuse me of being a fake Christian, instead of trying to prove myself, my answer should really be “A real Christian is saved by grace, not by works. So it’s not dependent on their right doings. I don’t boast in anything I do right”.

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I’ve gone on so many dates this year it’s kind of crazy.

I’ve learned so much about men and so much about myself, so much about communicating with men. There’s been casualties and I’ve been a casualty myself but I’ve healed from a lot of trauma from the past.

I encourage singles to put yourself out there and not to be afraid of the process. I remember a girl prophesying over me “you’re going up the last mountain and it’ll be difficult but worth it”. I didn’t realize the last mountain was a relational mountain. It had to do with men.

When you’re going on dates you want to be liked by someone, but at the end of the day you have to be honest about what you want.

What do you want?

You’re like….okay I want this, but I feel loved by this person. The heart wants what it wants. How come I go for guys that are not available? And so when you communicate you start to realize why.

Maybe you don’t feel deserving of a love that is your own.

Maybe you’re actually scared of being loved by someone.

Maybe you’re terrified of getting hurt.

You will get hurt when you date. You will hurt others when you date. When you tell them “I only see you as a friend” it’s a disappointment to them. It hurt me too when I had to tell someone that.

At the end of the day you have to look at the truth...but why is it that humans don’t like the truth? Because it’s uncomfortable. It throws you from the known into the unknown.

If you stay with someone because it’s comfortable but you see all the red flags, you are in your comfort zone. At least you know there is someone who can be there for you.

When you realize the truth and face it, you may be alone and you
WILL face the pain of separation.

You’re going to disappoint people when you date.

You will tell the truth to them….whether it’s “I only see you as a friend” or “I’m not attracted to you” (this is something I had to tell a guy because he really didn’t get it).

Or maybe it’s “I see you as a father figure” (also something I have said to a guy).

The truth can hurt but when we face it, we will be pushed to go forward into what is our truth and genuine self and we will ATTRACT what we choose to truly be – 100% raw, genuine, unique you.

My profile says that I love Jesus and I am waiting until marriage to have sex, please do not try to change my mind. I want to get married and have 2 kids.

Have you stepped into your truth?

Do you believe YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT?

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“I don’t just want to be one of your girls”

I guess that’s how I felt my mom was to my dad. Just another warm body, a woman, not special. Otherwise why would he have gotten with other women. Did she even matter to him? Or was it just infatuation. What makes one person better than the other.

My new friend picked me up and initially I was going to get dropped off but we talked more. He had a pretty traumatic upbringing. We talked about his ex and how his ex promised that she would never hurt him, but she cheated on him the next day. He was depressed for a long time, became psychotic.

I said that when someone starts wanting to become physical with me, I feel unsafe. I only feel safe if they really spent time and have gotten to know me, understood my heart. But most of the time I feel like a prey. I feel used, for their gratification. That’s why I am glad I am waiting for marriage to have sex because I want a man who really honors my heart. What does it take to honor my heart? For someone to really want to communicate with me. Most men don’t want to spend the time to understand my heart. They see your breasts, they want to get physical with you.

I felt unsafe today when someone tried to ask me to go to their apartment. I was just walking by.

I felt unsafe because he seemed drunk.

I don’t feel safe when people are drunk and I am completely sober. I feel unsafe with men who are intoxicated. It reminds me of my dad.

I really suggest to woman not to open themselves up physically to a man if they don’t have the same intention. It is damaging. Men may be able to numb their hearts and not feel a thing, but for women it’s very attaching. The truth is, it is just as emotionally damaging to a man but society says they can take it.

I feel loved when someone takes the time to understand me. I feel loved when they honor my boundaries.

I may complain about people but at the end of the day I know every person I meet is a lesson in communication and love. I want to be special to someone, not just another girl or a warm body.

I want to come home to one person. But until then I know I am special to God.

My mom yelled “go to sleep!” but I didn’t want to. I cried because my heart suddenly hated my dad again. How could he do this to my mom. I could see why God had me live with my mom, because our healing is a mutual thing. Her healing has to do with my healing.

I’ve been talking to her about men and I can tell she cringes when I talk to men. She probably hates them. My brother won’t even talk to her. She for sure hates my dad, after more than 20 years.

But as I heal and talk about my experiences, I can see that it brings healing to her heart. I don’t want to hate men. When I hear sad stories from men, I realize they’re just human, like me. Men have been hurt by women too. I pray today God will heal your heart from your past.

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Do you have regrets about your past relationships?

Do you have regrets? I do.

Sometimes I have regrets about eating fried junk food, calamari, mcdonald’s. I’ve had regrets about my ex best friend, investing time and energy into people that betrayed me. I’ve had regrets about why my heart and God didn’t tell me to buy a car, and why I don’t have anything material to show for the money I could have used towards something material – versus the kingdom of God.

I have regrets about following God even, like recently I was so mad at God for the pain I experienced from people flaking on me, betraying me, walking away.I had regrets about serving God. Because I got hurt.I had regrets about letting people into my heart.I had regrets about liking whoever I liked, or letting them hurt me.

But at the end of it I hear God say this- even to you:“Don’t regret the past, you learned from it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were living in freedom. Tell me how you feel. You’re not wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep living in freedom”.Keep living in freedom, keep having fun. I know you fell when you dance, but keep dancing.

I see an image of you on the floor, head down.You head is burrowed in your knees, your knees are bent. There are people playing on the playground and you’re alone. You punish yourself for doing wrong or messing up. Someone yelled at you on the playground, stole your toy, someone stepped on your toy and destroyed it. 

You are really mad at yourself for letting anyone play with your toy. You regret sharing your toy with your friend.

Or you had a best friend but they went to play with someone else, they left you alone. You look dismayed, you are shocked. You never thought they would stop playing with you. You want to give up.

“No one will ever want to play with me”. You think. You feel unwanted, you feel like shit. You don’t want to put yourself out there anymore. You don’t want to make new friends. But you have to. Don’t give up!

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Love can be uncomfortable.

What do I mean by that?

Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.

I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.

“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.

I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.

Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.

My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.

I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.

“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”

There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.

Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.

Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.

I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.

Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.

I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.

Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.

The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.

Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.

Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.

But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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