When Reality Doesn’t Look Like Photos

This morning I ran to the beach and was utterly disappointed.

Unlike Hawaii, the beach at Nadi was brown colored, not like the sparkling blue they advertise on their ads.

I can’t seem to control anything.

Fiji reminds me of Mexico. To be honest it’s a bit 3rd world. This is just me being honest. The sweltering heat, the humidity, the mosquitoes.

Okay yes God I get it I have assignments here but I’m frustrated it. Last night I found myself praying for 2 Chinese students and 2 Indian brothers but now I’m in a dorm room surrounded by light. I’m light sensitive and sound sensitive.

I’m the worse suited missionary and yet God called me.

I hate sharing rooms to be honest, I like it pitch black.

I hate it when people talk while I’m trying to sleep. I hate crossing streets when there’s no light, The cars zoom by without slowing down.

I want to cry because I’m out of my comfort zone and I want to enjoy the process and the journey but all I know is I’m being stretched.

And stretching hurts.

I met a girl on the bus who told me she got charged $300 for an avocado she forgot in her bag. Remember to get rid of fruits while going into any country.

I said God will provide, don’t worry.

The truth is none of us are in control.

Then this afternoon the Lord told me “move upstairs”. I ran in the rain to the reception which was located next door.

At first they said no. I went back and thought let me try again. Again I ran in the pouring rain and this time the manager came and called the housekeeper. A girl who I met on the street made it happen. She came and turned out both the manager and housekeeper were Christian. I said “the Lord’s purpose is made manifest through those who recognize Christ in me”.

I prayed for the girl and said I saw you in an office building. She said she has a dream to go back to school and try another career.

I said you will do it!! Step out in faith!

I know God has assignments in this room for me and I had to move.

It’s inconvenient for others but God’s ways are strange. There’s a Chinese man in my room. I know I’m here for a reason and God will always make a way where there seems to be no way. You just have to be persistent!

Isaiah 43: 18-19

18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

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A New Beginning

He drowns our his pain and guilt with a bottle of beer

It’s a simple way of running away and living in a cycle of pain

Whether it’s my dad or the new neighbor

I’ve seen it all

Men who cannot express their pain, silenced by society and societal expectations.

That is, their hearts are hardened and the only way is God.

I wrote a letter to my dad once “I’ve forgiven you, I hope you can forgive yourself now knowing Jesus forgave you by the cross”.

He has paid for your punishment. He was punished on the cross for our iniquities. The winds of change has come on April 22. I will be leaving New Zealand today. A Sri Lankan neighbor will be dropping me off at the bus station and I will be moving on.

Yesterday the Lord told me “the extra food is for her, she will come”. I see Lord. She did come, a Maori woman.

She had been fighting sicknesses, sinuses, coughing, headaches, cramps. I asked “do you feel shame and guilt?”

Yes she said. She said she asks God to forgive her. I said “if you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart He doesn’t see blemish anymore, He only sees Jesus In you”.

The concept of grace is hard to comprehend but it’s whole and not lacking.

I went from not caring about my dad to forgiving him. So many of my family are bound by the past but I’ve learned to let go.

The whole world is looking for a God who frees them and I’ve met Him- Jesus.

Instead of blaming those around you I want you to say “I no longer blame those around me and I now forgive them. I no longer need to be tied to their toxicity and issues and I now release them to God. I can move on with my life”.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to release them to God.

You can’t help someone if they’re not willing to change. Change is a choice and God certainly is a gentleman. He won’t force change on anyone. He will ask and He will guide us and if we say yes- the transformation that can occur is astounding.

I went from an impatient, bitter and angry girl surrounded by pain to a woman who can love the most bitter people. That doesn’t mean I compromise my standards and allow myself to be stepped on.

No I listen and succinctly cut to the heart, speaking the words of God into their situation.

Since God gives me wisdom and insight into what’s really going on in their hearts, it’s not my job to be an emotional dumpster- no. I can tell immediately what is really going on.

My job is to pin point exactly what lie needs to be cast out and what truth needs to be spoken over them.

We live out our beliefs and if we don’t realize God’s grace is complete we will continue living in a cycle of self condemnation and guilt.

God’s completely forgiven you, now forgive yourself.

I met a man this week who has a daughter in another country. She is half kiwi and half German. He hasn’t seen her in 6 years. I told her my story of not seeing my dad for 10 years. I said “it’s time to move on”. He had a wall of her photos.

Another day i said “I heard the Lord say you are moving to Germany”. He said “that’s actually the plan, I’d like to see my little girl”.

Stories that are related to mine causes my heart to swell. Oh God your mercies. How broken people are and how much we need healing on this earth. It’s 1:45am and the winds outside is loud and powerful.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of pain anymore, I want to live my life free of my family’s past. I want to move forward just as I’ve told this man to move forward. Though he may not know Jesus yet, I’ve planted a seed.

You deserve happiness.

You deserve a happy life apart from your family’s pain.

Are you ready to fly???

It’s your season! Don’t be scared God is with you! Time to let go of everything that is weighing you down and go after what God has told you!

What if the only thing that is stopping you is your own fear??

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You don’t have to suppress your desires anymore

I had a dream I was at my fashion design graduation and I had no idea what to design but an idea came for wearable art and before I knew it I was packing up my box. I also saw free champagne and cake. I asked for a glass but they couldn’t find one. Finally I found a hologram Colored one and poured a bunch of lime green colored champagne into my glass. I was surprised that I wanted to drink so much since I hadn’t drank in ages. The glass suddenly cracked and broke.

The Lord spoke to me when I woke up. He said that most people drown out their desires by watching television or drinking, or shopping, eating, sex, etc.

It’s instant gratification.

When we’ve been in seasons of waiting or prolonged delay, we feel that it’s God’s heart to deprive us of things. We start believing we need to suffer to earn God’s blessings.

And when we do receive it we don’t believe we deserve it or that God will take it away.

I went through years of being stripped away of everything. Because those things were places of slavery. I was a slave to what my friends thought of me, what my mom thought of me. I was a slave to my rent and my car bills. I was a slave to societal standards.

When Jesus said “sell everything and follow me” He didn’t mean that He would never bless me and that He wanted me to live like a beggar. He simply meant “if you give everything up, I shall give you true power. You will no longer be a slave to society and you will no longer define yourself by what you have”. However because I will no longer be a slave to the blessings, God will pour out His blessings because He knows as freely as I received as freely I will give.

So all of it is a season of testing.

The more you are able to release, the more He will bless you. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. He won’t give you above what you can handle.

He wants us to live without fear and following Jesus has helped me to overcome fears I didn’t think I have.

Things God freed me from:

A fear of men and what they think of me- approaching strangers to pray for them. I experience tons of negative reactions. But the more I’m rejected the more I seek refuge in being a daughter of God.

A fear of lack- sometimes not knowing how I’ll eat or pay for accommodation but trusting God and following His instructions to get the provisions I need instead of figuring it out on my own.

A fear of death- knowing that God has my back and His angels are watching over me.

God said to me “you deserve to have what you want, you deserve to be happy”.

“But Lord I suffered so much loss, how can I have what I want?”

“What is it you want?”

“A family. A sense of connectedness with friends and family. Restoration of my family. I want to come out from under the weight of pain and live freely from the past. I don’t just want to help other fulfill their dreams, I want to see my own fulfilled. I want to write tv shows, direct films, design clothes, write books, speak to people on stages, I want to help others through my own dreams.

I want to have the energy to dance again, to run again. I want to experience vitality in my body. It’s been such a long and hard process. I’ve helped thousands of people but I want it for myself too. I want my own family.”

What are your desires? God wants to fulfill them.

You May have been a long and difficult wilderness of delayed desires but God wants to give you what you want. You might be asking why you had to go through all of that but He is saying “now you can contain it- what true power looks like”.

You can not contain God’s power without being a vessel emptied of fear, shame, self hate, condemnation and guilt.

You were a slave; now you are free.

Only a free man/woman can love without manipulating the family God brings to him/her.

Only a free man/woman can have riches and not be a slave to it.

Only a person who knows they are children of God can have worldly success and not allow the fame and worldly power get to his/her head.

Only a person who has gone through the fire can he/she resist the temptations that the next level presents to him/her.

God built you in the fire because otherwise you’d be knocked down by the devil right when God brings your husband, the money, or the family.

God knows the devil will try to destroy your reputation when the fame comes. He knows you couldn’t withstand the accusations back then, but now you know who you are in Christ Jesus. He knew you were ashamed to be called Christian back then, but now you only preach Jesus crucified and resurrected.

The devil could have wiped you out with one accusation from your family, you would’ve been talking about it for one month, maybe a year.

But now you know who you are in Christ Jesus. You know not to get caught up in the devil’s trap. You won’t allow your mouth to speak negatively.

Back then, the devil brought good looking men/women to you and it was easy to sidetrack you. You were easily seduced by flattery and a sign of wealth but now you know a wolf from a true sheep and follower of Jesus.

I’ve met enough wolves to know what a true man of God looks like now!

One look, one sentence, I can tell what a man’s heart is after!

A man after God’s heart may not have luxury cars but they have a heart that will follow God at all costs.

Back then you were so broken you spent your whole paycheck on binge drinking. Now you’ve learned to sow into God’s kingdom and to treat yourself well without needing to hurt your body.

Now you know you are worthy because Jesus paid the price for the blessings so I decree and declare –

You will have what you want! Because your number one delight will always be Jesus Christ!

You will never leave your first love even if the blessings come!

So I prophesy all the things you want rain down! The family, the friends, the finances, success in your business, etc.

This time you will not leave Jesus out.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you”.

I gave everything up to follow Jesus and in return, He has brought incredible kingdom minded friends. People sowed and continue to sow into this kingdom work of bringing Jesus to the nations. Even though it has been really difficult at times, I know in my weakness His strength is made perfect.

These times strengthen my faith.

God is a good Father and even when we don’t understand it, His desire is to bring us to a wholeness that can contain what He desires for us.

A broken vessel allows the fragrance of Jesus to seep through to others.

You need to be broken to have a genuine love for people. I love homeless people on another level because I understand how it feels to go without. I love the hurting because I know how it feels to hurt. I love the wounded because I’ve been wounded.

God is calling us out of the past and into the new season.

Will you grab His hand and walk forward? The new door is open for you! Don’t look back anymore!

The fire and wilderness trained you to see the real from the fake. I’ve battled spirits of witchcraft, accusation and intimidation. I can spot a guilt trip from a mile away. I can sense danger and an angry spirit. I know when to engage and when to walk away.

I know when someone’s ready for help or when they are sent by the devil to distract me!! I know what false responsibility feels and looks like!

I know how much to help someone and when I need to set boundaries. I’ve trained my whole life! Ever since I was born into a broken home, ever since I saw divorce in my family, a mother who became unforgiving and bitter, I know what holding onto a grudge results in!

I know I used to carry false responsibilities thinking they were mine to carry! I know my worth now!

I know what the religious spirit and obligation looks like! I know what guilt feels like! I know the difference between “should” and “want”! God wants us to live in want! Not should’s!

I’ve been set free from the bondage of religion and into true sonship with Jesus, an intimate relationship not based on works but grace!

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God Is Setting You Free of Fear- Control Is A Demonic Stronghold! You Can’t Be Spirit LED and Fear Driven!

Last night as I was walking to the bathroom I saw a woman crying. I asked to pray for her and then ended up going to dinner with her and her daughter.

As she was sharing her life with me, I sensed a lot of fear, anxiety and control. I told her several visions.

I said “I see you in a boat and there is a hole in the boat but you are trying to patch the hole with anything, even your own clothes. However, I see Jesus reaching His hand to you. He is walking on water. He is above it all. You need to reach out to Him, not try to fix everything”.

If you connect with God laterally, everything horizontally will be worked out.

Some us us are trying to control our lives. We control every penny we spend, we save, we live in fear. We depend on our money for stability and security. We say we are building a nest and a legacy for our children but it’s idolatry.

Control is a demonic stronghold based in fear.

As I continued talking to the woman, I had another vision.

I said “I see a new season, a new door of light. You are on the escalator, it’s automatically going up via grace of God but you are tiring yourself out running in the same place on the same step even though it’s already moving”.

The crazy thing is she found out about this hostel “accidentally” at 8-9 am that morning while the Lord told me to stay at this hostel at 9am.

Divine timing.

I was the prophetic solution. I carried the word for her. I was the messenger.

The problem is usually not the problem, everything is spiritual and the solution is always to surrender to God.

God does not ask us to fend for ourselves or to figure out the solution.

I know there are times I try to figure out how I will eat, where I will sleep, how and when the funds will come in for the next country or even next day but God asks me to trust completely in Him and not in the funds.

So what do you depend on more than God?

That becomes an idol.

You cannot be spirit led if you are fear driven. If you are fear driven you control aspects of your life to feel in control, thinking it’s safety.

But that’s idolatry and that keeps you in bondage. It’s a demonic stronghold.

After my meeting with her, I had a dream that my mom and other relatives had set up shop and were trying to sell stuff.

Everything was neat and tidy. I was so angry. I got a baseball bat and flung everything, destroying the things that represented fear and bondage.

Then I started dancing on the table that the items were set up on.

The Holy Spirit represents freedom. It is freedom. God is freedom. Jesus came to fulfill the rules, not to give us rules.

I shared with the woman that Jesus finished the work on the cross and she shouldn’t be striving for perfection because in God’s eyes He only sees Jesus in her. She needs to rest in the finished work. God doesn’t even see imperfection anymore at the point of receiving Jesus.

He only sees wholeness.

The other day when a new friend sowed a seed, she said “you earned it” since she felt so much better after I prayed for her.

That always bothered me. I realized it’s because I didn’t earn it. I deserve it because Jesus died on the cross for me to have it. Healing costs so much more than $20, $30, $500, $10,000, a million.

Healing came from Jesus sacrifice. He took the punishment on the cross.

I didn’t earn it. Jesus paid for it. He paid for her healing and He paid for this ministry. So if anyone ever sows they are simply sowing what God gave them.

And God called me to ask her not simply because He is providing for me but because He wanted to break off the spirit and fear of lack off of her. That’s what giving does.

I am not in need. I am empowered by the Holy Spirit and fearless. I’m not in fear of lack anymore because I’ve had nothing on the road at times and yet God came through. So when I ask people to give it’s not for me, it’s for them.

God wants us to live in freedom. He wants us to live free of fear from judgement, rejection, lack and death. He wants us to rely on Him more than we rely on our sense of control over our career, what’s next, relationships, friendships, finances.

Will you surrender control?

Will you be a child and let God take your hand?

When we try to control our lives we are operating as our own god.

When we walk with God, we put Him where He needs to be, a father, our husband.

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You Will No Longer Be Rejected, But Celebrated!

The spirit of rejection stems from a spirit of lack and says to you that you are unworthy of love or honor.

I battled a spirit of rejection most of my life. From the moment I was in my mom’s womb she spoke words over me, regret, hatred, bitterness. At that time my dad was cheating on my mom. You can imagine how angry she was.

I felt that. When I was young I had really bad temper. I exploded and yelled and felt everyone was attacking me and they often were.

When I received Jesus into my life my temperament changed completely but I still felt rejected at times.

I think because I was different. I always stood out. I had interesting fashion in high school. In fact my mom made most of my clothes. I was born in Germany, then moved to Taiwan, then America. I am a third culture kid and never felt like I fit in anywhere.

I got voted most unique in high school. Recently I watched a movie called Wonder Land. There is a part Peanut hides in a house and counts and organizes candies based on color. It gave him a sense of control.

Some of us become workaholics and refuse to have a social life because it gives us control and no one can reject us when we have no relationships.

God has challenged me to put myself out there. Whether it’s talking to strangers, asking to pray for them or asking for donations as I fundraise for this trip I’m on….I’m susceptible to rejection.

And the crazy thing is God wants me to ask until someone says yes, or says no. He wants me to experience both yes and no’s.

I realize God has purposed me to reach the outcasted and they often have a spirit of rejection on them. This results in passive aggressive behavior- not saying what’s on their mind but saying it in a subtle manner because they fear rejection.

God has challenged me to ask people who are afraid to help – to break off the fear of lack and feelings of helplessness.

Yesterday when a guy offered to make a donation I was really shocked, no one has offered this directly without fear. His heart was open. He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t fear that he would go without. He wrote “for your purpose”.

The couple I ministered to affirmed me so much I felt awkward.

It’s been too long since I got such direct affirmation.

I’m so used to rejection that a moment of praise had me feeling guilty.

Should I accept the compliments or shift the praise to God?

I had a dream this night that the Lord set me free from false humility. He showed me that I often undermined my light so my light wouldn’t highlight peoples’ insecurities because I often find that people are shocked and intimidated by my gift of seeing and prophesying.

Instead of seeing it as a gift, they find it creepy or unreal. They see me as a weirdo.

But I sensed that God is resurrecting our hearts this Easter.

We will no longer revert to expecting rejection. We will expect others’ open hearts, we will expect others to say yes and celebrate us. We will no longer hide in our dark cave but create communities that are safe for each other. We will step out into the light and find freedom and safety in God and in each others’ arms.

I want to thank those who have embraced my gift, who I am on this journey. Whether you’ve been reading my blog or have met me in person. I honor you. I honor who you are and who God has created you to be.

As I’m writing this, I’m crying at a cafe.

For so long, I felt misunderstood and persecuted for who God has made me but I’m seeing the tide turn around.

God is honoring you.

He is bringing you to prominence.

You will rise from the ashes and you will no longer weep.

You will no longer hide your shine to accommodate for peoples’ darkness and shade.

You’ll shine brighter and brighter because the world needs you.

Shame and guilt be broken off.

Value and worth is you.

You are worthy dear. My beloved son and daughter. You’ve gone through enough. Come hold my hand now. Come out of the cave.

By the sometimes we think people will only help us if we help them but that’s not the truth. There are people like me who have purely blessed someone with healing and prophetic words because the Lord asked me to, basically most of the people I’ve ministered to.

Sometimes we are scared to take risks because we fear rejection but I want to encourage you to step out in whatever areas God has called you to step out in!

I’m currently fundraising for the journey ahead. The Lord has decreed 3 countries next- Fiji, India, Sri Lanka and possibly Bangladesh.

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God’s Ways Are Not Our Ways

“I will never leave nor forsake you. You don’t have to figure anything out”

I know I’m trying to make things work when I keep asking Holy Spirit; should I stay here or here? Should I go there now?

The last 7 days the Lord has led me like a whirlwind to 7 different places. His instructions were specific and direct. I met tons of people that I ministered to and prayed for.

I realize as a prophetic person I can get into a rut of trying to see or ask God what’s next but He’s like relax.

This happened tonight.

Crazy testimony.

I felt led to eat at a restaurant and was sitting there watching Korean drama.

I was probably there for almost 2 hours. All of a sudden I noticed everyone had left but a couple.

I saw the guy wearing a shirt and God was speaking loud to me through it so I asked to take a photo of it. I found out we were all from LA and I asked to pray for them. The prophesies were so accurate they were blown away. I told them my testimony and the guy asked me if I had Venmo and said he wanted to pay for my dinner.

I was just wondering how God would continue to provide but this time I didn’t even have to ask. He said I had a gift and he wanted to support my purpose.

As we were walking out we noticed we actually stayed at the same place.

Because of the prophetic prayers people who would never go into a church are blown away by how I would know something without them telling me.

Today’s event reminded me that God knows what He is doing and I must continue to spend without fear knowing that God will continue to provide as I follow Him in faith.

Yesterday with the help of 10 people sitting around the lobby of the hostel (whom I also prayed for) I was able to stay at the hostel I booked at. Later I checked and the hostel actually already charged me but that happened I believe so that I can pray for the people. #god works in strange ways!

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Police Man

“Go to Macdonald’s” – said God.

“Another junk food place?”

“Trust me”

The Lord told me to ask someone to buy me a cone. There was two men. One an Indian guy and another from South Africa. He said, “we will come back so you wait”.

They went into Macdonald’s but forgot about me.

Meanwhile I saw a young boy and he kept looking at me. The Lord impressed on my heart to pray for him. I said, “can I pray for you?” He said “yes!” I said that God gave me a vision of him drawing.

He said “I draw!” and he showed me his notebook. He said he likes to draw angels.

His parents asked what we were doing but did not seem to want him talking to me.

I understand. I’m a stranger.

I’m scared but God still impresses upon my heart to go get my ice cream cone. Remember at this point I have $8 in my pocket. I had gotten off a bus and found a hostel that cost $35. I gave the owner $30 and promised another $5 the next day.

I go into Macdonald’s and I find the two men. I said “I think you forgot about me”. The South African puts the gold coin on the table and I say “thank you. God said to pray for you”.

He is a Christian. As I’m praying for him I hear the Lord say “I have not forgotten you. I know you’ve been through a lot of pain but the promises are coming”. I feel my heart breaking and I stare into his eyes.

His eyes are unresponsive, vague, unfeeling, emotionless, I hug him and tell him how much God loves him.

His Indian friend has his hands folded, he is praying with me even though he is not Christian. But he is watching the whole thing. I ask him if I can pray for him but he says “no I already prayed with you”.

Seconds later, God tells me to pray for another boy and I ask but he walks away, seeming turned off.

Then I hear a boy cry in the playground. Someone has fallen off the slide. The Lord says “pray for him” and I walk over “hi, I’m a missionary and I’d like to pray for him”.

So the mom says okay. At first I thought none of them were Christian because one mom looked bewildered. However after the whole fiasco she told me she was actually Christian and so was her friend, she was just really shocked to see someone being that bold.

She told me how in New Zealand, it’s very comfortable and Christians rarely take risks so she was shocked to see someone so bold. She said she wouldn’t have thought of doing that as the boy’s mom wasn’t Christian.

As I’m sharing my story of following the Holy Spirit with them a guy approaches me.

He says “excuse me but I need to speak with you”.

I thought it was one of the boy’s dad but he said he was a police man and the boy that seemed turned off by my asking to pray for him actually called the police to tell him that I had “offered to pay for sex”.

I don’t know what kind of childhood this boy had but this was nothing I’ve ever experienced.

I wanted to cry.

What kind of spiritual warfare was this, but right away the two Christian women told the police man that I was a good person and would never say that.

I saw this man write down what he said and what I said. I had said “pray for you” not “pay for sex”.

He got my info but that was it.

I felt falsely accused. But God had my back.

Later on I felt the Lord ask one of the woman to sow financially and she said “I was just thinking about how to help you!!”

I got to encourage them and they said they were really convicted by my life.

This was one of the more traumatic and intense days I’ve had. Nothing like this has ever happened. But God protected me.

When I got off the bus to Kerikeri I saw this skatepark that looked exactly like the one in my dream. I also remembered that the macdonalds playground was in one of my dreams.

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