Yesterday I felt such an impartation of the Holy Spirit I have not felt in awhile. I felt like my heart jolted wide open again. Fear of getting hurt got me stuck, but as I really surrendered to God and SPOKE the words He was telling me, I felt fear come off of people.
I was afraid to get hurt because I opened up my heart as the Lord told me to but encountered disappointment and pain.
The numbness caused me to be more quiet than usual, but suddenly I felt a roar in my Spirit like never before.
GOD IS BREAKING OFF THE NUMBNESS! There is a deaf and mute spirit where PEOPLE have been so HURT And traumatized, they are no longer feeling their emotions. They are becoming hard and God is breaking the numbness right now.
Self- protection will never get you anywhere. He is doing a deep work in your heart, and you will not be allowed to bring the baggage of yesterday.
The more YOU speak your truth, the more you invite TRUTH to come into your life.
Everything THAT is true will come into your life when you stop BS-ing.
I realized that I didn’t have to feel sad anymore about the wrong things exiting my life because God was bringing me into alignment.
I’m so glad God removed certain people in my life because I felt responsible for their happiness. I was relying on them for happiness but I was no longer happy being around them.
Because hanging out with them meant I HAD to become something I wasn’t, they wanted to put me in a box.
They wanted me to minimize my light, they were so scared to be who they are meant to be, scared to go after what they want that I could no longer be around them.
In the last year, the number of insults I got was really uncountable. People said that I was too much, that I was crazy, they told me that I was “too picky” with what I wanted in a man, people said that it was going to be hard to find someone who was also waiting until marriage to have sex, people said that it was hard to find someone who wants to be in a relationship.
People said those things because they did not believe that God had a plan for me or even for them.
But I spoke up for myself and for what God promised me.
God promised me my husband, God told me I was going to shine and nothing could stop me, but I needed to believe that for myself. I had to fight all the negative voices. I had to believe in myself.
People I hung out with told me it was trashy to talk to strangers, so they also exited my life because fear controlled them.
People that were scared to be seen also exited my life.
People that were too self-conscious exited my life.
People that wanted to be fake, wanted to lie exited my life.
I felt abandoned, I felt rejected but I didn’t realize GOD was promoting me! Because untruth, lies were leaving my life. I was finally stepping into the truth of who I was, a queen who reigned. But I had to KEEP moving forward instead of holding onto people who weren’t living in alignment to God’s identity for them.
When I was younger I often listened to people vent without actually having conversations with people. They didn’t care what I had to say. My mother was like that, she didn’t care about having a conversation, she was basically venting. My dad was an avoidant person. My mom would yell at him, for cheating and he wouldn’t say anything back.
So I often found myself incapable of knowing how to speak up to someone who was an alcoholic or addict, because they were so out of it and knowing how to speak to people like my mom who didn’t want a response.
I used to stay in uncomfortable situations because it reminded me of my dad being drunk and how uncomfortable. I tolerated bad behavior because I was used to it. Even though I did not see my dad a lot, probably once in 2-3 years, I allowed him to be how he was because I could not change him.
I realized that I didn’t need to allow people to make me feel uncomfortable in order to “love them”, that I needed to set physical and emotional boundaries to protect myself.
I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.
I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.
I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.
But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.
I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.
Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.
I want to submit to this women-
Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?
Have you told them how YOU felt?
That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.
I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.
Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.
You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.
How is that even a mature thing to do?
Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.
This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.
Ladies-
IF you like a guy, tell him.
If you appreciate him, tell him.
If you think he’s cute, tell him.
We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.
Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.
I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.
Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!
I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.
Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.
I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.
Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.
Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.
Everyone has a different journey and a different season.
When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.
Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.
Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.
I said “it’s not your fault”.
I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.
“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.
“People ghost because I’m too much”
Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.
It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.
And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.
Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.
It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.
I wish every guy had a sign that said if they were emotionally available or not.
He said “yah well we could be placeholders for each other”. Like at a wedding, you know those signs with names on it.
Well, I realized that I didn’t need to accept crumbs that I get the whole cake. How are you going to be emotionally available for your husband if you are using someone else as a placeholder, if you are still emotionally involved with someone else when you are dating and searching for your soulmate. Each emotional investment takes times and effort, it takes heart.
And I realized that I needed to let go even though I never met anyone that I could talk to as easily as I could with him.
I needed to trust that God would bring whatever I needed, and I wouldn’t need a placeholder for now.
It’s not fair to use someone as a placeholder, or to mislead people. I felt misled. He treated me like a girlfriend, we went to the movies, we ate, we had ice cream, we cried together. We held hands, it was nice. I did things I didn’t do with exes. All of my exes were pot heads, they were emotionally unavailable, they were too busy with work, they just wanted to Netflix and chill.
I wanted to do normal girlfriend and boyfriend stuff yet I was stuck in a situationship.
He just wanted to be friends but he was still attracted to me, he just didn’t want the commitment. He did not see a future with me and it hurt.
No.
I’m done with that. I deserve better. I deserve to be called girlfriend. I read articles about emotionally available men, I read articles about how growing up without a father messes you up and I want to change the cycle. I have been.
I’ve learned to speak my truth- such as “hey I’m not interested in you because you’re 50, it’s too old for me sorry”.
“Hey, I want a boyfriend, not a friend that acts like a boyfriend but doesn’t want a title”.
“Hey, I deserve better”.
YOU deserve someone who will only prioritize you. You deserve love, not just for a day but for a lifetime. You are worthy of that. Repeat after me. I deserve LOVE! I DESERVE THE BEST! I DESERVE IT!
This wanting, this longing for someone stable, someone who is constant. That’s not something I had growing up. My childhood was traumatic. Lots of yelling, throwing things. My dad came and went. He came a few times to take us out to buy toys but he was unpredictable and then when I turned 8 he just left.
My mom, brother and I left to America. I did not see my dad for the next 10 years. I felt depressed. I often felt suicidal. I felt alone. I felt unloved. My mom was often angry and I didn’t understand why. We struggled a lot financially.
I was boy crazy. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone stable, but of course my first boyfriend was not my husband. But his name was James.
And so was this guy that kept coming back trying to be friends. I didn’t understand all this. Why God?
But somehow the talking, the conversation broke through my heart.
Today I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because I felt the feeling of being ignored by my dad.
“You don’t care about me, if you did you would want to be in a relationship with me”.
“I feel like I’m not good enough, that’s why”
A woman wants to feel wanted. When a dad doesn’t talk to her daughter, she feels ignored and unwanted, she feels unworthy. And so that followed me into my life, my relationships. I felt ignored and unwanted when people ghosted me. I felt the same when people flaked. People were unpredictable and they all eventually failed because they’re meant to fail.
But dating has brought up those emotions, those emotions of hate towards my dad, emotions of sadness, of grief. Dating has helped me to confront any unforgiveness towards my dad.
Something as simple as getting a call from a drunk guy has angered me because my dad has only picked up the phone 2-3 times in 2 years because he was drunk the first time.
I don’t do well when people are high or drunk and incoherent. I don’t feel safe emotionally. I want to be heard but I can’t be heard when people are out of it and yet I meet addicts all the time, they are my friends. They are fully sober, they are good friends now.
It’s been a long journey trying to heal from my past, my issues with my dad’s absence.
How about you?
Have you walked through the journey by putting yourself out there and confronting the emotions that come up for you?
God, today I pray to cast out any false responsibility for others, help us to focus on the purpose and goals you have set before us. I break off false responsibility and accusations!
YOU ARE FREE IN Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
God we forgive those who have wronged us and we confront them, tell them how we feel, but then we release and move on. Prepare EVERYONE who you’ve promised their spouse is coming. Protect them from the schemes of the enemy in Jesus name!
