“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.
I have this heart heat rash.
He says “don’t be afraid of love”.
I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.
Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.
He goes “I want some pussy”.
My heart was grieved.
I was already disappointed.
Our society has come to this.
I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.
I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.
I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.
Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.
I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.
The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.
People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil.
But I feel like you are a speck in the ocean slowly moving away
I cry in silence
Yet you seem to feel nothing
And so I fade into the distance, I allow my heart to suffocate into the background
This is a familiar feeling
When I knew it was ending but I didn’t want to let go
I silently screamed into my pillow
I had given my all
And yet it was not enough
I’ve paid my dues, this time I’ll learn to let go faster than before
I feel like I’m drowning
But I can’t hear myself speak
I try to speak but words won’t come out because I still want your security even when it is false
I almost cried hearing his story
He walked away, angry, never crying
If I said how I felt, it wouldn’t be enough, what is the point, his pride would get in the way
This time, I’ll let go faster than I did before
So my heart does not suffocate from lack of air.
This time I’ll let myself be happy instead of pay a fine
This time I’ll walk out scotch free, this time I’ll choose myself, instead of pleasing him.
This time I’ll better myself by freeing myself
This time, this time.
And you’ll call me crazy, ridiculous, any words, any words.
But I hope you look in your heart and see that your refusal to be in touch with your heart is only a curse on your own soul.
Whoever he was, he is, they are all the same, the same lessons. They keep coming, they come in the form of tall and short, green or blue eyes, brown, they are all the same person walking in the same lesson.
Will you listen to your heart this time?
Or will you scream into the void?
Will you empty yourself until you have nothing left?
Will you try to break down a brick wall with your bare hands? Bloody and torn, those hands made to hold you, now depleted, destroyed.
He didn’t know it was coming last time, but it came like a storm and broke his cold stone heart, he wept for the first time. I broke his heart and it took years.
I didn’t know I had to let him go to open his heart, that was the only way to go, not to hold onto him, but to let him go.
I used to give all of myself to love someone, even if I only got 10% back.
I used to think it was my fault that someone wasn’t able to love me back, but I realize that some people have a small cup that cannot contain my bucket loads of love.
My job is to find someone who can pour back into my buckets, instead of feeling depleted giving constantly.
I made the first move to reconcile with my dad after 10 years of not seeing him. I flew thousands of miles and hours to see him. Slowly we reconciled. I would fly back again after 2 years, more and more but every time I would be sad to leave, sometimes I was disappointed. Last time he couldn’t take me to the airport because he had a migraine.
No matter what, nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing I did could open up his heart to me.
So I would give all of myself to love someone, and most people only give back 10%.
What I learned is, find those who are willing to give love to you.
I used to think it was my fault that people didn’t open up to me, that people didn’t love me, that my dad didn’t show love to me.
But I realize no, it’s not my fault. I tried my best and now I have to teach my heart to move on. I moved on from my dad, my mom, from my brother, from exes, from past friendships and I still learn to move on as I speak up and keep honoring my heart.
I kept trying to get love from people who didn’t have any to give.
And I realize very little people have that emotional capacity to express love.
God send me people that know how to express and give love without fear. I don’t have fear for fear has to do with punishment. Guide us into the right direction, to people who have love to give.
I stood up for myself this time. I spent 2.5 years allowing my heart to die to be with someone 6 years ago. I then encountered a man that reminded me of my ex. I had to learn to let go faster than I did last time. Because the same red flags came up. God will send the same type of person so you’d learn to stand up for yourself this time around.
The same situations will come up until you learn to overcome them and confront your worse fears.
I spent almost 2 years on the road. I went alone to dangerous countries, 3rd world countries, I went to South Africa, India, Southeast Asia being led by God to pastor lost sheep and prophesy over people who needed miracles, people who were broken and lost.
I faced the fear of starvation, having no shelter, being stranded or even the fear of being raped by strangers.
But God’s voice led me and I saw thousands of miracles. I saw God healed backs, I saw people cry and I taught people how to hear God’s voice.
God told a Muslim girl to not be afraid, He told a Buddhist that everything was going to be okay. She said she wanted to believe in Jesus so we prayed in a hostel.
Having faced all those fears of ALL possible dangers, a virus was an inconvenience. Sure, I had my times of paranoia, but most of it was being persecuted by people for going out. My mom would yell at me for going out but I would hear God say “Go out and don’t be afraid”. I had thousands of divine appointments still. I went to the Abbey, I went to the beach, I met people everywhere.
To everyone out there who persecuted me for going out I want to say the blood of Jesus works. He told me to go out every day – I was ministering to people out on the streets. I preached the blood of Jesus to heal. Y’all don’t believe. Now you do. I’ve been out everyday since the covid, been going to beaches, Miami, tj, planes, buses, trains, wherever God led me and I am healthy by his stripes. I hugged people, layed hands on people, prayed for people, I came into contact with more people than most and I kept proclaiming the truth of His finished work.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)
A lot of Christians don’t give believe Jesus finished the work- so they’ve submitted to fear and the government. By His stripes we are healed- that means in this present state I am healthy and disease is a spirit of infirmity that needs to be rebuked if it attacks.
Last night I talked for an hour and a half with someone who grew up Christian. He found my dating profile on okcupid and we matched. I was reminded of the weightiness of my calling to pastor lost sheep. I was reminded not to get distracted and that even though I felt heart broken over someone who didn’t believe in Jesus, to keep my eyes on God and His promises for me.
He has promised me this-
A life overflowing in abundance
Complete health now.
A husband that will love me with all his heart, someone who loves God
A life full of promises, destiny and dreams. I get to do everything I love with everyone I love.
It’s very hard to understand that your heart is for me or that you even love me when we basically have no communication.
Communication is my heart language, besides physical affection.
It’s hard to understand when someone rejects you. I’ve been dealing with feeling unwanted my whole life, so I didn’t put myself in front of many opportunities or even love itself. Friendships, desires for relationships.
There were two instances where I felt rejected by men. One guy I really liked but since at one point he just wanted to be friends, he rejected my hug. I felt rejected and unwanted. Now after that he said he wanted to be alone and he never picked up my calls or texts. But God kept telling me to express how I felt so I did.
It was difficult not getting a response. I persevered and then eventually the desire waned after I did my fare share of reaching out. Eventually I met someone else. Now this was another growth lesson.
God has always told me to not be afraid of rejection. So I keep putting my heart out there even though it hurts.
This one has a kid and a fair share of past drama. To which, I thought, you know what let me not get involved. But for some reason God kept telling me to follow my heart and as much as I was afraid of a possible end, I pursued it knowing God had breakthroughs for me.
I remember someone prophesying over me that I was going up a hill and a mountain, but that it would be worth it.
This year God has been preparing me for marriage and He has been doing it through getting to know people I go on dates with. The lessons are beyond plentiful.
Showing me peoples’ experiences through marriage, cheating, just like you did, you cheated, but maybe you had your reasons.
I followed my heart and I’ve cried plenty of times. I realize that it has worked out my muscles, my heart. Because I wanted to deny my emotions for a long time. I wanted to not feel, because I thought pain was so awful. Now I realize pain is a gift. Pain allows you to process your fears.
I was afraid of getting hurt.
I felt unwanted when I couldn’t get what I wanted, I felt rejected- but when I cried because of that pain, I felt a release of fear.
When I was able to express my fears openly and honestly, then cry in front of a man, I felt loved. Because I was transparent and naked emotionally.
God always sends men who seem shut down and emotionally unavailable, like you dad.
But for some reason when I am able to show my emotions and have breakthroughs I realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s about me being able to feel.
Even if you never reciprocate, as long as I can feel, I’m okay.
Because this is my life, and I have to be okay with my emotions, I have to express love and love myself by embracing my emotions.
I’m open now.
It’s so good to be alive.
I don’t always have to laugh or be happy in front of people, I can be vulnerable.
I feel amazing today. I feel at rest having cried. I feel peaceful. I can have what I want, my presence in the moment.
I kept running from my emotions not realizing my emotion is the best gift. I embrace every emotion I have and I freely release them in the moment.
I wish someone taught me dating is not about getting to the end goal but realizing and healing from the wounds that need to be healed before you meet the one. So instead of the end goal of meeting the one….it’s about reflecting on the cross section of issues that you have and what that other person has. And experiencing breakthrough and healing through those conversations, conflicts, emotions.
Hi Everyone, this is a safe place to tell people how you feel.
This is a support group for those who are recovering from abandonment issues, relationship traumas, parental abuse, abuse, neglect….a place where you can feel safe to share what you’ve been through and what you want to see in the future, etc.
If you want one on one emotional support/coaching- please email me at email@example.com or call me at 424-249-9833 (leave a voicemail as this is my google number and I will call you back). I look forward to working with you.
God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.
For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.
Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.
Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.
Sometimes we love people who abuse us.
It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.
Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.
He wants to see me.
That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.
God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.
But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.
When you think of someone, contact them.
When you appreciate someone, tell them.
When you miss someone, tell them.
“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?”
The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.
When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.
My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response.
Does he care about me? Does he love me?
That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love.
That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.
You’re not alone.
Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel.
Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love.
I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.
Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication.
I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love.
I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends.
God is really unconventional.
Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.
But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me.
One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.
In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do.
Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.
Again I felt that she was trying to control me.
I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.
Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely.
What are you afraid to tell people?
Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”
If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.
This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.
My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.
Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?
I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.
But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.
He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.
He told me to put on makeup.
It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing.
Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.
Same with my mother.
I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her.
I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”
After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.
I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do.
I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.
Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.
That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship.Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth.
My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed.
It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship.
Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.
Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.
You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is.
And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.
But now, you’ve reached a new level.
It’s a healthy love.
They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.
That’s what I’m experiencing now.
You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.
You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.
Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.
You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection.
I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.
I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.
Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.
I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.
I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.
I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.
I felt alone in that relationship.
I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.
Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.
I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.
I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.
Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.
Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless!
“well you shouldn’t have….” because this or that wouldn’t have happened.
You shouldn’t have crossed the road, because if you wouldn’t have crossed the road, you wouldn’t have fallen.
You shouldn’t have fallen in love, because you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
You shouldn’t have….
But they live in a box full of guilt and condemnation. They devil taunting them, you shouldn’t have, you could have prevented yourself from getting hurt.
So they live in fear, inside their house as demons tell them “don’t go out, you’ll get hurt”.
Sure, I get hurt and things happen to me.
Things that probably don’t happen to most people. But you do realize I am a prophet and the devil will try to stop me from being free right?
From preaching “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” The devil will use anything to say “well you shouldn’t have”.
Don’t be out, they say.
Don’t do this, they say.
Lots of red tape and yellow tape. They try to put tape on me. If only, they say.
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I followed my heart and I fell on the street. I got a few marks on my face, a bit on my legs and arms, but I am a warrior. I loved with all my heart. I fell down off the cliff but God lifted me up.
I could hide in a cave, but the enemy would love that.
I could start numbering and measuring, instead of loving. I could start using logic and reading, trying to figure out how to best “prevent hurt from happening and my heart from breaking”, but I would never live.
I could become a recluse and never talk to another human being, then I would have no drama and no tears to cry, but I would be alone, utterly alone, devoid of love.
I fall head first, and I use my heart, not my logic. I love with all my being and heart.
And they point fingers and say “well you shouldn’t have”. They don’t understand becauseI they think with their heads and not their heart. They’ve shut love out. Love is not logical, love is passionate, messy, full of mistakes.
Growing up I saw marriages made out of logic. You see, they tick all the boxes but there is no chemistry or passion. I saw white picket fence relationships. “We look good to others”, it was a front.
Regret is not from God.
I accept all the decisions I’ve ever made and I accept that I was living in freedom. There was nothing I could have done to prevent what I needed to experience.
But why do I need to get hurt? Is it necessary?
Yes, you are whole in my eyes. The hurt is only momentary. You loved and lived, and you were better for it. You are so rich because you choose to love with everything you have.You are a zillionaire because you choose to live outside the box and cage of fear.
God has already made you pure and whole by the blood of Jesus, you’re standing with God never changes, He never sees an inkling of sin or mistakes in you.
So why do we live our lives fearing that we will make a mistake or get hurt?
We base our decisions on one fear, “I never want to get divorced….I learned from my parents” (fear of failure, also a fear not from God)
“I don’t ever want to get heart broken, it hurt too much last time, so I’m never going to date. I’m just going to sit in this car and never ask another girl out, I’ll just wait on God” (aka I don’t ever want to face rejection again- which is a fear).
Life is full of unknowns. It is also possible to have a fear of the unknown.
I don’t know where God will lead me, so I won’t walk in faith- some say.
I’ll control and do what I can see- and for most people that is making money or working.
You can’t see emotions, so most people don’t want to fall in love.
When they get hurt, they resort to making money, because they can see money and dollar amounts. You can calculate money, but you can’t calculate love.
“I’ve been used, I feel lack, now I am going to ignore my heart forever and live my life for what I can calculate and earn”- some say.
But your heart is still whole, it’s broken, but it’s whole.
Okay, it hurts, sure, but everyday is a new day. God is saying “don’t live in fear, you’ve been made righteous by my blood, don’t condemn yourself, you don’t hurt because of your decisions, you hurt because that’s part of life. Do you know that my love makes you whole. Feel the sadness and the emotions, but don’t stop living life. I’m holding your heart”.
I’m healing your heart, says God.
Religion says “if I follow all the rules, I won’t get hurt”.
Grace says “I am free in Christ Jesus, I can walk in freedom and trust with God and even if I get hurt, His love carries me”.
Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless!