Helplessness is the best place to be, like an infant, a baby.
Not because it makes others happy, not because it is a popular place to be…but because in that place, we no longer rely on our own strength but voluntarily ask for help, some pray…that is the only place where true miracles can occur.
When I was in my very worldly mindset, I just wanted to succeed in the world’s eyes, in the world’s way. I was already spirit filled but my mind needed to be transformed. TV shows, media, music and the world teaches us that success is material gain, fame, and status.
Another lie that we are taught is that the only way to help others is by being rich financially.
The truth is not everyone who is financially rich give or help others.
“One afternoon Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those entering the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter the temple, he asked them for money.
Peter looked directly at him, as did John. ‘Look at us!’ said Peter. So the man gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, ‘Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, get up and walk!’
Taking him by the right hand, Peter helped him up, and at once the man’s feet and ankles were strengthened. He sprang to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and leaping and praising God.
When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the man who used to sit begging at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.” Acts 3:1-9
Whether you believe in the bible or not, if you believe that there is a spiritual power, a miracle working power…you can understand this.
The man was expecting money, because he thought it was money that he needed when it was miracle working power he needed. Peter’s job was to help him understand this. He helped him up and in faith, the man was able to walk.
He was born lame, meaning he was born disabled, unable to walk. Ever since birth, he was told that he was incapable, broken, “not enough”. Maybe he was told that he’ll never amount to anything, he had no place in the world but to beg. Perhaps his parents gave up on him.
I wonder if you have something in your life that you think….“I’ll never be enough because I was born into a poor family background. I’ll never be enough because I’m 30 and haven’t found a spouse. I’ll never be enough because I’m 80 and I haven’t done anything with my life. I’ll never be enough because I feel fat and I’ll never be thin like that celebrity on instagram. I’ll never be enough because I’ve failed in my business and can’t get out of debt the more I try. I’ll never be enough because I always find guys that ghost and disappear on me. I’ll never be enough because I don’t have any good friends and I feel utterly alone. I’ll never be enough because I’m just not good enough”.
I have good news.
First off, you are not alone. Every insecurity you can think of, I’ve thought of too. When I couldn’t pay rent, I’ve thought “how come everyone seems to have a perfect life, I’m here struggling. I know I have talents but how come those doors won’t open as hard as I try?”. But what God really wanted me to learn was utter TRUST in Him and through my journey of hardships I’ve learned my true identity as beloved, never basing my identity on achievement and accomplishments, but on my relationship with the one who never fails or leaves me.
Second, the only way up is through surrender. When you try to control something, it is unresolved. When you let go, it resolves. I believe that is one of the laws of the universe. Love allows, fear restricts.
Will you believe?
Will you let your defenses down, cry maybe, acknowledge your feelings of lack and surrender to the force that is for you and not against you? I give you permission to let it fall apart because sometimes the only way up is to let your failed attempts truly fall apart.
What did the lame man do? He paid attention to the man who could help him and he allowed Peter to help him up. He didn’t refuse help. Sometimes we are so caught up with our false independence that we won’t let others help us.
This life is meant to be lived with others. As I speak my story to people around me I am realizing that God never intended for me to become rich and famous, and then help others….He wanted me to show others that because I was helpless, God helped me and I found God’s strength in my weaknesses.
On His path to glory, Jesus went to the cross.
Which cross are you bearing right now, know that the cross (pain) you bear now is your stepping stone to true integrity, character, identity and love in your heart. The world is quickly becoming an eye for an eye society.
God is looking for people who will bear the cross, go the narrow path, be humbled, cling onto patience, love, and forgiveness.
Do you also notice that everyday people carried him to go begging at the gate? People allowed him to live out his insecurities instead of speaking truth into him. Be careful who you surround yourself with. Be careful who you attain advice from. Be careful who you come into agreement with and be careful what becomes routine for you.
Sometimes we need to take risks and do something different. Sometimes people come to break our routines, surprise us with the impossible. Don’t be afraid, God knows what He is doing. You are safe.
The truth of your emotions, if not dealt with resurrect in other areas of your life, creating discrepancies between who you are and what you do because your heart is desiring to tell the truth (even if you do not want to feel them). The adult self will reprimand the little one, when in fact the adult self should have allowed the little one to be honest at all cost….the cost of facing the pain, anger, the cost of not being liked or understood, the cost of rejection.
Love for self will eventually say “I am worth the cost”.
Though the process of moving past “people pleasing” (because perhaps you have not spoke the truth in fear that you will be rejected) will be difficult, you will reach a part of you heart that is authentic and you will be able to live out of authenticity versus people pleasing.
I am realizing that any form of addiction, “bad behavior” comes and swells from areas of your heart that you have shut down, unwilling to feel emotions, that is why you need a certain release because the truth of your emotions were not expressed. That is why people turn to self hating addictions or behaviors.
I have experienced this myself. The self willed discipline to be a certain way to society, to look a certain way. It came mostly from legalistic religious upbringing from institutions that loved the behaviors and not the person.
It taught people to not feel, to pretend to be positive and pretend to forgive yet with bitterness buried alive.
Self-will is useless. Only Spirit can enable you to be transformed. It is an inner transformation, not performance.
God sees the heart while people see outward appearance.
It has taught me to discern. Wisely.
But I have learned to be authentic with my true emotions.
Because emotions are valuable. Even if it is pain.
I have become stronger from within, as more people misunderstood me, the more I was able to face the pain of rejection and the more I became truthful with my heart.
The heart longs to be truthful, it needs to be expressed. Do not pretend, do not suppress them. We often fight our desires because of “shoulds”, no longer listening to the little child within. We try to discipline our hearts thinking we know better. The heart needs to express its true desire.
We are all a little fucked up.
We have issues.
Even the most put together people have issues, they just don’t parade them around Instagram.
Recently I received this revelation that I was basically believing that I didn’t deserve happiness because of my past, because of bad decisions in the past, in my relationship.
So no I don’t believe in karma, I believe in forgiveness. If I believed in karma, then I really don’t deserve happiness and actually all of us are doomed. I believe in grace and forgiveness.
But see I didn’t dig that deep before, it was too painful.
I realized that my unforgiveness of self had caused me to close myself up to all potential suitors. It’s not because there aren’t suitable mates (and obviously there are plenty of unsuitable ones online), it’s because I didn’t think I deserved to be happy.
Do you need to forgive yourself for somethings in your life?
Sometimes we do things out of our brokenness but we don’t realize we are basing our truth on a lie.
“Why won’t this part of my life WORK ALREADY!” you try to work everything out externally but it just won’t give….maybe it’s finance, maybe it’s your relationship with your parents, maybe it’s your relationship, maybe it’s your health, maybe it’s your career, you’ve exhausted all your options, you’ve tried everything….
I dare you to look within.
Look back to your earliest or most recent memory of when you heard a lie, even if it was self-made “I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve this”…..
Did someone tell you you’re not enough by disappearing, by neglecting you?
The answer isn’t outside of you, it’s inside.
It’s within your soul.
You deserve happiness.
PS- we make decisions based on the condition of our hearts so often our decisions are fear driven because we are looking for stability. That is why it is so important to forgive ourselves and love ourselves because our actions are simply a reflection of the condition of our hearts at that moment.
Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.
I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.
And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand.
Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.
I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough.
And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.
I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice.
Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.
And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.
In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”.
And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now.
No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me.
I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.
I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful.
The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.
Today was a magical day.
The election is over.
But our lives have just begun. The election sparked a passion within me to make a difference in the world. As the numbers came in I actually started crying, crying turned to weeping and found my soul anguished. Perhaps it was Spirit within me or my personal desire connected to the election. This went deeper than I thought. Perhaps my desire to see a woman become president was a personal desire to see my own life blossom into the impossibilities of humanity. And perhaps it was the last straw for everything I had envisioned for this year.
All of this came into apex of surrender.
I would have to surrender my personal desire and trust that God would protect, empower and push me towards the direction that even I could no longer envision for myself. Because we put too much hope in one person. We thought that maybe the “Right person” could save us, and the truth is we put not only the president on a pedestal, we put “finding the perfect spouse”, “finding the right opportunity”, breaking our personal goals on a pedestal, but all of that is fleeting in the light of perfect peace in each moment.
I have been reading 365 Devotions For Finding Rest and it has helped me to find solace in times of turmoil. I find my soul crying out for justice, for peace, for joy, for restoration. I’ve been in months of surrender and rest, saying “no” to things, opportunities, people. Letting the season pass so that the right things and people could enter my current realm.
Asking me to be still is like asking a lion not to run free with strength, but in the stillness I find the ache in my heart heal steadily.