Growing Up With An Unsafe Mother

I grew up with a mother that was always critical and yelling. I put aside my own emotions and suppressed my own emotions of anger and sadness to create space for her mood swings. My dad was physically and emotionally absent.
Here are signs that you did not grow up with a safe family:
    1. You are scared to speak up for yourself
    2. You try to please everyone
    3. You try to please your parents and you don’t say what’s on your mind
    4. You neglect your own emotions
    5. You think it is your fault when someone is angry and you try to do everything to make them happy
    6. You don’t know what you want, you have neglected your own desires to cater to other peoples’ desires
    7. You don’t know how to say no and you spend time with people who try to manipulate you or force you to do things you don’t want to do
These are all issues I’ve learned to OVERCOME because of the power of Jesus. He has repeatedly told me to do things that CAUSED me to face rejection, “displease” others, and trigger others but HELPED me to OVERCOME any fear of peoples’ responses. In this way, I have become totally myself and not live for other peoples’ approval.
What is a safe person?
  1. They are honest about how they feel and they can bring their truth to the table
  2. If you tell them the truth, they may need time to heal but they can come back and be honest with you about how they feel
  3. They embrace your emotions and validate them, not push them away or tell you to “grow up”. They allow you to cry and be angry.
  4. They are gentle with your emotions, they love you through your journey but they also tell you the truth if they aren’t able to be emotionally present
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You Are Safe

96691033_10163602583680603_4809437904851959808_n.jpg“You lied to me. Friends don’t lie”.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. The emotions were raw. I could feel like my eyes were bulging out of my chest and my heart was about to explode. Eventually tears came and it felt good to feel. 

Sometimes we just go about our day, never revealing to people how we feel. We control every factor. We plan our day, our drive, our GPS to life. We never allow God to flow through us.

How about now? When’s the last time you felt completely broken in front of God. 

I really feel this today. Even though I am close to God, perhaps I’ve closed my heart to God. So many disappointments, so many closed doors. We can become disheartened and no longer feel. What is the point of feeling this emotion, it’s hopeless. We become depressed because we don’t expect anything good anymore. 

God has been putting me through reality show quality drama. 

I mean I am talking about not being in control ever. Not only are there divine appointments wherever I go….there are a lot of unknown factors.

Okay, throw a guy into the mix, then some lies, betrayal. Okay, throw the fact that someone just told me he saw a dead woman lying on the street due to a car accident. This friend told me that he felt really weird today.

Oh you mean maybe you need to cry?

Feeling gross, yucky, weird…….indicates that you may need a good cry. But the lies have to come out first. So you either talk to God, or most likely God wants you to talk to people about it. 

It can be simple….

Like “why did you lie to me?”

“I felt unwanted when you did this______”

“You hurt me, I feel deceived”

Not everyone is open to that discussion. I can feel my heart more than I’ve ever felt. It’s scary.

But YOU ARE ENOUGH.

No wonder what you’ve been through- you are enough. You are not lacking. Feel your emotions, sit in the safety of my arms. I’m here.

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Prophetic Word- Heart Breakthrough

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Why do we love who we love?

Why do we feel used?

Why do we love those who cannot love us back and why don’t we love those who can?

Why do we fear intimacy and why does love hurt?

Why do we hide and think that is love and care?

Why do we fear vulnerability?

God- I am here for you. If you will have me. If you come to me and drink of this never ending fountain. I am here for you, I will never leave nor forsake you.

Me- People scare me. They are one way one moment, the next they are monsters. They are unpredictable. They are scare me.

God- Don’t be afraid to love for out of love comes life.

Me- I feel that I will never find love that I deserve, for I’ve chased the type of love that is sick and twisted, the type of love that I have to fight for, that isn’t freely given.

God- you will find it, for you are love, you have found me. You have found love, you are love, as I am within you.

Me- I am love.

God- I have loved you from the beginning of time. If you are love there is no lack of love and there is an unceasing fountain of love, ready at all times. You are love, you are enough.

Me- How can I continue to love when I feel depleted?

God- Give yourself a break, it’s okay. Give yourself a break. It’s enough. From the beginning of time, I have been enough and I will always overflow in love. You were created to love and without love there is no meaning.

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Growing In Emotional Maturity

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I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.

Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.

Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it. 

That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were. 

So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14. 

I endured the yelling and the temper fits. 

“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.

“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”

“I am a burden”

These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.

These were said to me-

“you’re an adult, get over it”

“you should just forgive and forget”

“You keep living in the past”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”

I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.

Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS! 

We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents. 

We were taught to-

“get over it”

“don’t cry”

“be positive”

These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart. 

Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.

Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.

It’s okay to say-

“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”

“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”

Here’s what I learned-

  1. If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
  2. A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.

Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.

Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.

My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.

It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.

Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”. 

I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.

I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free. 

Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do. 

Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel. 

Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.

Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.

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Unsure But Faithful

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“Okay God, if you want me to go then give me more confirmation”

I fall asleep and I have dreams with clear directions about how to get there.

When I follow God’s voice, sometimes I’m unsure. Maybe it’s the fear that sets in or uncertainty. Yesterday I went to the beach but midway I felt my heart go “go home”. I felt fear. What am I supposed to expect. It’s late, why is the bus taking so long?

But I get on the train, the Lord tells me “the middle train” and I sit right near this Cambodian ex-gang member that I met on the bus one night. He was also Christian. I couldn’t believe it. He said he moved to San Pedro. And here we met again in a train at Union Station.

I can trust what I am hearing, but at times Satan tries to lie to me and tell me I’m all alone.

I had a dream that I found my blue gym bag and it said “just do it”. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing “just do it” leggings. 

When the Lord tells us to go He is asking us to have faith and trust He is our provider, our GPS at all times, and that He will keep us safe. He will also send people our way at all times. 

Just when I think I’m alone, God always sends a divine appointment and I realize that “Yes I am on the right path”. Doubt creeps in pretty easily, especially if someone is following you on the train, and you don’t feel safe at times. That happened one day.

Yesterday I took the train from Pasadena to Downtown and I heard “move” when I sat in the first car. I heard “middle car” so I moved to the middle car and immediately there was a man who started talking to me.

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I am pretty sensitive to God’s voice but there are times I want to sulk or stay in my flesh.

This morning the Lord said –

“What are you doing?”

“Laying here”

“It’s time to go”

“Can you pick someone else?”

“I will take you places you can’t even imagine, all you have to do is be my mouthpiece”

“Sometimes I just want to be normal and not have people persecuting me”

But I know the truth is, I would be really bored if I lived a normal life. 

I’m not sure if I like seeing people manifest all the time, I’m not sure if I like fear trying to attack me when I’m following God everyday, I’m not sure if I want my heart to be open at all times (which is what ministering to people is…I’m constantly feeling emotions, crying for people, caring), I’m not sure if I liked being stretched everyday, I’m not sure if I want to trust God all the time….

But whenever I do trust God, the outcome is always good. That’s why I don’t like not listening. I have always seen God pull through, set me free from a limiting mindset, bless me, or open my heart. He has sent me to thousands of people all around the world. I am so rich with love. 

I’m not sure if I want to feel though, to feel the immense well of pain, love, laughter, emotions that comes with loving. And I meet people on a daily basis.

Yesterday I missed my stop but I got off and heard “hollywood”. A guy told me he was gorgeous and I asked what his tattoos meant. He said “it’s a bible verse”. I said I do ministry and God led me to him.

He said “I’m backslidden though”. We got on the bus and got off at Ralphs. He said he was just selling marajuana and other things….I said “meth?” “Yes” “See I’m a prophet, I know”.

Strangely, he also got his phone stolen.

A lot of issues and addictions come from feeling unloved and unwanted by our parents and God sends me to show people “hey, go home, hey you are wanted, hey it’s okay to reach out for help, hey you’re worthy of love, you’re a success, God is proud of you, there is no shame”.

God is stretching me, my understanding of love.

People I never thought I had the capacity to love, I’m learning to love. The drug addicts, the prostitutes, the pimps even, the gangsters, the cheats, the liars, the homeless because we are all fallen, we were all with sin but Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so no one is better.

I have a fear of being cold. Sometimes I wear what the Lord tells me to. Yesterday He told me to wear shorts so I did. It was really short so I caught people staring at me and felt unsafe. When I got to the beach I heard “change” so I changed into my dress. When I came out I saw this beautiful woman. I said hi to her. She came to me “do you have pants?”

“I said, actually I do! God told me to wear shorts” so I took off my shorts from underneath my dress and gave it to her. She was so happy. I asked if she was homeless and she said “yes”. I said “do you have a bra?” She said “no it’s okay”. I took off my sports bra because my dress didn’t really require a bra. She put it on right away and tried to give me back her shirt and I said “no you’re cold, you need it”. She tried to leave it but she came back for it.

Then I gave her $5 (grace) and she said here “have $2 (double portion)”.

She kept saying “thank you”. And I felt this warmth. I started sweating and felt really hot. I realize it was God saying “don’t worry about being cold”. That night someone called a lyft for me after spending time with them, so I didn’t even need my sweater. I wish I obeyed and just gave my sweater to her.

God’s ways really isn’t our ways and when we trust God completely we will see that He always provides what we need.

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Overcoming Abuse

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This is a young man I ministered to and bumped into again on the train. The Lord told me to go to the beach and this man was also going there, but he was going to a shelter to shower because he did not feel safe to go home to a military christian home where there were many rules. I asked if he ever talked to his parents about how he felt and he said no, usually he just isolates himself. I said that he was worthy of love and he thanked me. I find that many young people turn to drugs because they feel condemned and not enough because of their parents’ rules and regulations. They need to know they are loved and not condemned.

I told my mom yesterday….a relationship isn’t about rules but communicating how you feel. 

I was emotionally constipated for 4 days. It is rare for me not to cry everyday recently. Even when I pray sometimes I start crying.

But I couldn’t cry.

My mom was yelling at me and telling me I was crazy, she didn’t believe I was hearing God and she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or a doctor.

I asked her “is this my water bottle?”

She said “how would I know? I never drink from water bottles!” She yelled. She starts yelling and I have no idea why. She’s probably stressed about something else but I have no idea what. She won’t talk about her emotions or feelings so I get the end of that.

I feel like the walking dead, I feel like a zombie. I don’t understand how a mother can be like that.

I feel dead inside, and suddenly I hear “I want to die”. I start casting out a spirit of death. I need to get out the house.

I get in the car and drive. I call my friend and ask her to encourage me. She says “God loves you, you are beautiful, people love you” and that’s when I break down in tears after 4 days. 

I felt unwanted, that’s why. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong to my mom. I felt like I was not enough and wasn’t doing enough.

I remember “yes I’m doing enough and I am enough”.

I said through my tears “when she yells at me I feel unwanted and unloved”.

Again, I had a dream about a phone being lost or broken, it usually has to do with communication. So I wake up with this feeling in my heart.

God tells me to tell her how I feel and I do, but it’s met with the same response of blame or shame. 

She wants to hide from her emotions, she wants to run and not feel and the best way for her to do that is to stay busy. Yet her knees hurt.

So when will you stop running and just feel the emotions?

God loves you, He will never leave nor forsake you.

I grew up feeling blamed and shunned for problems that were not my own so I would people please or mommy please because I thought it was my fault that they were angry, not realizing it had nothing to do with me. 

It’s taken a long journey of learning to speak my mind even when it doesn’t feel safe.

You are safe with me, says God. 

Come to me and cast your cares on me. You are safe here with me. 

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