Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Good Love

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Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

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Prophetic Word- Promises Fulfilled

Look not to your right or left, or to the past, for your promises are yes and amen and you only need to go forward.

No more regrets, forgive yourself. 

It’s in the past.

Now look forward, do you see the rainbows? I was driving to San Diego but felt led to exit San Juan Capistrano and then go towards Lake Elsinore. I was disappointed because what I wanted to do was shut down and I asked 3 Christians I met in the bathroom if I can use their friend’s jet ski and they said no. I took a detour and it was an hour longer.

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But then I saw this and God said “your promises are being fulfilled” and He said to buy flowers from there.

God is breaking off codependency and feelings of lack….things like “I don’t have a mom or dad, I didn’t have a good mom or dad” and God is showing His kids that they are not lacking.

I hear God saying “keep going” don’t stay in the place of grief. I am bringing JOY into your soul. Don’t stay in a place of dryness and hatred, forgive and move forward. 

As you release false responsibility, you will get married, says the Lord. 

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Prophetic -Wedding Dream

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The last couple of days I’ve had several prophetic confirmation of marriage.

Last night I had a dream about two friends that are married. I had a dream I had to get to a wedding, an appointment and it was almost 8pm, but I wasn’t sure what time my appointment was. I also had another dream about my friend who is engaged. I asked what time my appointment was. I then took down a book I never read and it was a book I gave my brother Isaak about marriage engagement. I opened it.

Yesterday the Lord impressed on my heart to rent a mustang convertible (as you know recently I was verbally attacked by a company and was rewarded some rentals, but I asked to get the mustang for an additional fee). I had my hair dyed too.

The top was not completely down (and the car started warning me by blinking lights) so I exited the freeway near Beverly Hills. 

I saw a Jewish owned cafe and saw a man inside. I was about to leave but I heard God say “eat here”. I said okay God. I parked and went inside and heard “he’s a lost sheep”. I asked if he was Christian and he said he grew up mormon. I was feeling really numb because I felt really disappointed by the dating process. I’d meet a guy and I’d know he is not the one. I told him how I felt and started crying.

He said “that’s so weird because I got married in a mustang convertible and my wife had blue hair like yours”.

I was in shock.

Before that I heard the Lord say “go to San Diego”. I called a friend trying to see if we could meet but he was a bit wishy washy and suddenly I really needed to use the restroom. I exited and found an outlet. It was 7:30pm. One store was closing at 8pm. I talked to the girl and it turned out she was Christian. She said she had been married for 5 years. She encouraged me and said that I was going to meet my husband. I tried on a few dresses and the Lord say to get them. The brand was called “final touch”, which reminded me of the dream the night before where I was preparing to go to my friend’s joy’s wedding.

I got in the car and felt led to call my friend Anna. I was on a date the night before when I saw her walk by with her husband. She looked at me but didn’t recognize me because I had dyed hair, it was blonde and the base for my hair dye. I wasn’t sure if it was her. However when I asked the waitress what her name was she said “Anna”. Anna is my birth name, it’s actually my middle name on my birth certificate. My aunt decided that didn’t suit me and asked my parents to name me Rebekka.

I messaged her that night and it was HER.

When we talked she told me she had been married for almost 5 years, the same number of years the clothing store staff was married. 

That night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and I saw a girl sitting by herself. I went to join her and she was also Christian, of course. I proceeded to talk to the bartender and he was Christian, then I talked to two girls and they were Italian and Christian too.

I said the bartender was cute, and she said “yah I know and he is Christian too, he’s my ex from 2003”.

As a prophet I see signs in everything. I felt the Lord saying “it’s all coming back”. It is coming, your promises, don’t be disappointed or discouraged. It’s coming SO MUCH faster than you think.

Yesterday in my dream I was way closer to my appointment than the dream from the night before, but I felt this frenzy of “what’s the exact time of my appointment”. But my friend who is getting engaged held my hand and said “it’s going to be okay”.

It’s COMING – I PRAY THE LORD PUT SO MUCH JOY IN YOUR HEART AS YOU GO THROUGH THE PROCESS. I PRAY to cast out any discouragement in Jesus name!!!

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The man who married in a convertible and his ex-wife had blue hair.IMG_2306

Dance instructors and singers at the AbbeyIMG_2285

Woman I drove 60 miles to meet, married for 5 years from UkraineIMG_2310

God’s “final touch”. Are you ready??? IMG_2293

The girl who was sitting by herself

Proverbs 13:12

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Prophetic Word-

I feel like the Lord wants to encourage you. It’s time to come out of hiding and come back to vulnerability. There are people who are ready to talk to you when you’re ready. They are on the health route, it may not be easy and you may need to be vulnerable but don’t be scared. As someone who had been wounded by Christians, the Lord sent me to lost sheep to aid and help them. But God is bringing me back to people who are not “lost”. They need a prophetic word too, they need help too but they are able to offer Godly advice. As I’m getting closer to marriage, God keeps bringing married people into my life. I’m ready God, are you?

 

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Growing Up With An Unsafe Mother

I grew up with a mother that was always critical and yelling. I put aside my own emotions and suppressed my own emotions of anger and sadness to create space for her mood swings. My dad was physically and emotionally absent.
Here are signs that you did not grow up with a safe family:
    1. You are scared to speak up for yourself
    2. You try to please everyone
    3. You try to please your parents and you don’t say what’s on your mind
    4. You neglect your own emotions
    5. You think it is your fault when someone is angry and you try to do everything to make them happy
    6. You don’t know what you want, you have neglected your own desires to cater to other peoples’ desires
    7. You don’t know how to say no and you spend time with people who try to manipulate you or force you to do things you don’t want to do
These are all issues I’ve learned to OVERCOME because of the power of Jesus. He has repeatedly told me to do things that CAUSED me to face rejection, “displease” others, and trigger others but HELPED me to OVERCOME any fear of peoples’ responses. In this way, I have become totally myself and not live for other peoples’ approval.
What is a safe person?
  1. They are honest about how they feel and they can bring their truth to the table
  2. If you tell them the truth, they may need time to heal but they can come back and be honest with you about how they feel
  3. They embrace your emotions and validate them, not push them away or tell you to “grow up”. They allow you to cry and be angry.
  4. They are gentle with your emotions, they love you through your journey but they also tell you the truth if they aren’t able to be emotionally present
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You Are Safe

96691033_10163602583680603_4809437904851959808_n.jpg“You lied to me. Friends don’t lie”.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. The emotions were raw. I could feel like my eyes were bulging out of my chest and my heart was about to explode. Eventually tears came and it felt good to feel. 

Sometimes we just go about our day, never revealing to people how we feel. We control every factor. We plan our day, our drive, our GPS to life. We never allow God to flow through us.

How about now? When’s the last time you felt completely broken in front of God. 

I really feel this today. Even though I am close to God, perhaps I’ve closed my heart to God. So many disappointments, so many closed doors. We can become disheartened and no longer feel. What is the point of feeling this emotion, it’s hopeless. We become depressed because we don’t expect anything good anymore. 

God has been putting me through reality show quality drama. 

I mean I am talking about not being in control ever. Not only are there divine appointments wherever I go….there are a lot of unknown factors.

Okay, throw a guy into the mix, then some lies, betrayal. Okay, throw the fact that someone just told me he saw a dead woman lying on the street due to a car accident. This friend told me that he felt really weird today.

Oh you mean maybe you need to cry?

Feeling gross, yucky, weird…….indicates that you may need a good cry. But the lies have to come out first. So you either talk to God, or most likely God wants you to talk to people about it. 

It can be simple….

Like “why did you lie to me?”

“I felt unwanted when you did this______”

“You hurt me, I feel deceived”

Not everyone is open to that discussion. I can feel my heart more than I’ve ever felt. It’s scary.

But YOU ARE ENOUGH.

No wonder what you’ve been through- you are enough. You are not lacking. Feel your emotions, sit in the safety of my arms. I’m here.

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Prophetic Word- Heart Breakthrough

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Why do we love who we love?

Why do we feel used?

Why do we love those who cannot love us back and why don’t we love those who can?

Why do we fear intimacy and why does love hurt?

Why do we hide and think that is love and care?

Why do we fear vulnerability?

God- I am here for you. If you will have me. If you come to me and drink of this never ending fountain. I am here for you, I will never leave nor forsake you.

Me- People scare me. They are one way one moment, the next they are monsters. They are unpredictable. They are scare me.

God- Don’t be afraid to love for out of love comes life.

Me- I feel that I will never find love that I deserve, for I’ve chased the type of love that is sick and twisted, the type of love that I have to fight for, that isn’t freely given.

God- you will find it, for you are love, you have found me. You have found love, you are love, as I am within you.

Me- I am love.

God- I have loved you from the beginning of time. If you are love there is no lack of love and there is an unceasing fountain of love, ready at all times. You are love, you are enough.

Me- How can I continue to love when I feel depleted?

God- Give yourself a break, it’s okay. Give yourself a break. It’s enough. From the beginning of time, I have been enough and I will always overflow in love. You were created to love and without love there is no meaning.

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Growing In Emotional Maturity

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I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.

Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.

Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it. 

That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were. 

So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14. 

I endured the yelling and the temper fits. 

“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.

“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”

“I am a burden”

These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.

These were said to me-

“you’re an adult, get over it”

“you should just forgive and forget”

“You keep living in the past”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”

I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.

Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS! 

We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents. 

We were taught to-

“get over it”

“don’t cry”

“be positive”

These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart. 

Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.

Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.

It’s okay to say-

“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”

“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”

Here’s what I learned-

  1. If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
  2. A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.

Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.

Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.

My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.

It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.

Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”. 

I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.

I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free. 

Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do. 

Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel. 

Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.

Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.

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Unsure But Faithful

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“Okay God, if you want me to go then give me more confirmation”

I fall asleep and I have dreams with clear directions about how to get there.

When I follow God’s voice, sometimes I’m unsure. Maybe it’s the fear that sets in or uncertainty. Yesterday I went to the beach but midway I felt my heart go “go home”. I felt fear. What am I supposed to expect. It’s late, why is the bus taking so long?

But I get on the train, the Lord tells me “the middle train” and I sit right near this Cambodian ex-gang member that I met on the bus one night. He was also Christian. I couldn’t believe it. He said he moved to San Pedro. And here we met again in a train at Union Station.

I can trust what I am hearing, but at times Satan tries to lie to me and tell me I’m all alone.

I had a dream that I found my blue gym bag and it said “just do it”. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing “just do it” leggings. 

When the Lord tells us to go He is asking us to have faith and trust He is our provider, our GPS at all times, and that He will keep us safe. He will also send people our way at all times. 

Just when I think I’m alone, God always sends a divine appointment and I realize that “Yes I am on the right path”. Doubt creeps in pretty easily, especially if someone is following you on the train, and you don’t feel safe at times. That happened one day.

Yesterday I took the train from Pasadena to Downtown and I heard “move” when I sat in the first car. I heard “middle car” so I moved to the middle car and immediately there was a man who started talking to me.

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I am pretty sensitive to God’s voice but there are times I want to sulk or stay in my flesh.

This morning the Lord said –

“What are you doing?”

“Laying here”

“It’s time to go”

“Can you pick someone else?”

“I will take you places you can’t even imagine, all you have to do is be my mouthpiece”

“Sometimes I just want to be normal and not have people persecuting me”

But I know the truth is, I would be really bored if I lived a normal life. 

I’m not sure if I like seeing people manifest all the time, I’m not sure if I like fear trying to attack me when I’m following God everyday, I’m not sure if I want my heart to be open at all times (which is what ministering to people is…I’m constantly feeling emotions, crying for people, caring), I’m not sure if I liked being stretched everyday, I’m not sure if I want to trust God all the time….

But whenever I do trust God, the outcome is always good. That’s why I don’t like not listening. I have always seen God pull through, set me free from a limiting mindset, bless me, or open my heart. He has sent me to thousands of people all around the world. I am so rich with love. 

I’m not sure if I want to feel though, to feel the immense well of pain, love, laughter, emotions that comes with loving. And I meet people on a daily basis.

Yesterday I missed my stop but I got off and heard “hollywood”. A guy told me he was gorgeous and I asked what his tattoos meant. He said “it’s a bible verse”. I said I do ministry and God led me to him.

He said “I’m backslidden though”. We got on the bus and got off at Ralphs. He said he was just selling marajuana and other things….I said “meth?” “Yes” “See I’m a prophet, I know”.

Strangely, he also got his phone stolen.

A lot of issues and addictions come from feeling unloved and unwanted by our parents and God sends me to show people “hey, go home, hey you are wanted, hey it’s okay to reach out for help, hey you’re worthy of love, you’re a success, God is proud of you, there is no shame”.

God is stretching me, my understanding of love.

People I never thought I had the capacity to love, I’m learning to love. The drug addicts, the prostitutes, the pimps even, the gangsters, the cheats, the liars, the homeless because we are all fallen, we were all with sin but Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so no one is better.

I have a fear of being cold. Sometimes I wear what the Lord tells me to. Yesterday He told me to wear shorts so I did. It was really short so I caught people staring at me and felt unsafe. When I got to the beach I heard “change” so I changed into my dress. When I came out I saw this beautiful woman. I said hi to her. She came to me “do you have pants?”

“I said, actually I do! God told me to wear shorts” so I took off my shorts from underneath my dress and gave it to her. She was so happy. I asked if she was homeless and she said “yes”. I said “do you have a bra?” She said “no it’s okay”. I took off my sports bra because my dress didn’t really require a bra. She put it on right away and tried to give me back her shirt and I said “no you’re cold, you need it”. She tried to leave it but she came back for it.

Then I gave her $5 (grace) and she said here “have $2 (double portion)”.

She kept saying “thank you”. And I felt this warmth. I started sweating and felt really hot. I realize it was God saying “don’t worry about being cold”. That night someone called a lyft for me after spending time with them, so I didn’t even need my sweater. I wish I obeyed and just gave my sweater to her.

God’s ways really isn’t our ways and when we trust God completely we will see that He always provides what we need.

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