Today was a magical day.
How do you deal with uncertainties? Life is full of unknowns.
God often surprises me by destroying plans I had, even for Christmas. I might have assumed something but then those plans are easily pulled away from me. This week I woke up with horrible vertigo and puking. Yes, it was awful. I thought I was going to die and I prayed really hard. The sickness came and went, tried to come back again, but finally left.
I was grateful. It humbled me as well. Sickness is humbling. It reminds you, you are fragile, weak.
I felt that the puking was like a cleanse to the negativity in my life. I realized it also stemmed from my not eating when I would get hungry. Deep down, I had some insecurities about my recent inability to exercise and was afraid that I was gaining weight. But I think deep down I felt that I was not good enough.
During my time in bed, I kept hearing “you are good enough, you are enough” over and over again. In my inability to do anything, I soaked in God’s unconditional love for me. I was reminded that I had been trying to figure my life out again, even by planning my days, I was trying to control my life. I wasn’t handing over the reigns.
Soon enough God heard my prayers and my mom actually took me to this Chinese medicine woman who gave me a diagnosis and some herbs. Soon enough, I was also alone again. This time a little disappointed that I would probably spend the holidays alone. I didn’t really understand what was happening.
I know that 2017 is a year of alignment, but even in those days where I’m writing, painting, watching Elementary, I’m wondering what my life will even look like soon.
What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[—
the things God has prepared for those who love him- 1 Corinthians 2:9
But today as my flesh and mind finally let go of plans and the need to KNOW, I went to the movies (which always calms me down), cried my eyes out watching Moana and Collateral Beauty (good for emotional cleansing, the movie seriously left the whole movie theater room sniffling), and then in following my desires for some food and boba, was led to divine appointments with strangers. One lady I met when I asked her about this hat I wanted to buy, I said “just to make sure, this is the English flag right?” and then I continued the conversation by asking if she was Irish and she said German. Well, since I was born in Germany, we had no lack of conversation.
Our need to know always ruins the moment doesn’t it? In the story of Adam and Eve, that is what ruined their life at first….the need to know without the relationship with God, which is based on trust. We are unable to live in the moment, to see all the beauty and love around us when we are in our head, figuring every detail of our lives out.
I remember when I was dating an ex, we went to an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica but his mind was absent. The bill was over $100 but I could have stayed at home, watched netflix and ate mcdonalds for $5. It wasn’t about our surroundings, how delicious the food was, or even how romantic the ambiance was. I thought the food was okay, but my ex said it was a waste of money and that the food was horrible. To be honest, if I was eating by myself, I would have enjoyed everything a lot more. His energy totally killed my vibe.
His mind was somewhere else and I was unable to connect with him.
We can truly enjoy the moment when we choose to be grateful, to notice the miracle around us. Everyday is a gift. When we are present we are able to connect with the people who are around us. That is one of the reasons I love traveling because I am usually present. I see the world with wonder, everything is new to me and I am not thinking about anything else. I don’t plan either, I usually allow spirit to lead me to the right place at the right time. I follow my bliss, I follow the adventure. When I am tired, I sit down at a cafe and observe the beauty around me. By being present I meet the most wonderful people.
When I was in London, I ate at a market in Brixton and met this girl. She asked if she could share the table with me. Turns out she worked at the Globe Theatre and she invited me to watch a play with her. I was truly grateful because she gave me free tickets and I had made a new friend. I was reminded that God was watching over me in every step of my journey backpacking through Europe. I have thousands of stories like this, divine appointments I call them.
I think Elizabeth Gilbert once gave a speech about this.
There are things in my life that I never thought I’d get to do. If I had followed my plan for success as a young girl, I would have never dreamed of dancing at the Moulin Rouge…but somehow after talking to the producer for months, this dream came true. I flew to Paris and danced there.
But I never thought I’d have the courage to do some of the things I’ve done…or to even be interested in doing it. Most of the things I did because I thought it would be fun.
Here’s a list:
- After I quit my job, I started selling jewelry because I liked jewelry. And also I saw some vendors selling jewelry on the streets in Australia when I was traveling.
- When money started running dry, I wrote down a list of things I was good at and started teaching them via craigslist. I had two senior aged students. I fell in love with old people then.
- When I was looking for places to rent, I met a realtor and thought gosh I could be a realtor, this looks fun. So I became a realtor. I walked in obedience to the calling I felt to serve people wherever I am, but when God finally said to let go, I let go. When the joy ran out and it became a source of strife, that’s when you know “this season is over”.
- I really needed to laugh more, so I took a comedy improv class. The teacher told me “I have a face for commercial acting”…I followed the lead. I took the commercial acting class, got a bunch of headshots, got an agent even, worked my butt off….and that curiosity actually led me to reality shows. Not commercials. In fact going to auditions was actually God’s way of solidifying my identity in Him.
- My curiosity to like find my life partner (dating) got me on a show that was about dating, so I thought, but then it was actually Married By Mom and Dad. After I prayed about it and heard God say “don’t worry you won’t get picked” I decided to go for it, trusting that God would protect me. Yes, I wanted to get married, but to the right person, and this was believing that what God said to me was true.
- I didn’t get married. Thank God. Now my curiosity said “I’ve been wanting to go to Thailand for a few years”. I booked a one way and that curiosity took me all over Southeast Asia.
These curiosities are interests. Passions, perhaps. But what you do doesn’t define who you are, it actually just grows you more, gives you riches in the heart, makes you who you are in the end, gives you stories to tell, gives you friends that last a whole lifetime and more. The difficulties makes you persevere, it teaches you about your heart.
I bet you have questions…like but what’s your compass? My compass is the God who created me. I talk and converse with God every day, moment even. He gives me wisdom about what direction to go, sometimes He trusts me to make the decision, but sometimes I ask for reassurance. Some decisions and directions are pretty straight forward- like if the person who is offering the opportunity has no integrity, the opportunity feels like striving instead of abiding, I have no joy or interest in it. But the point and the goal is to live with God. Really, to learn what freedom is.
Oprah said “what is your intention?” and I ask myself this when I go about doing anything. I trust the holy spirit to guide me through desire…for example, yesterday I didn’t plan anything for Halloween but I didn’t want to sit at home all night. I took the bus to Pasadena and went trick or treating. Yes, as an adult. And you know what, I HAD SO MUCH FUN. And I went by myself! Gosh, I forgot HOW MUCH I LOVE CANDY! But it was just fun meeting strangers. I do this kind of thing. Because knowing God is with me, I can do what I want without fear.
That’s me in the Mario mask and some stranger’s kid. LOL.
My conversations with God are often in moments of frustration, probably because I have been practicing patience all my life. I am like a jack in the box that has been kept in the box for too long.
But even then I know God is strengthening me for the path ahead. A lot of people have asked me about my “self employed lifestyle”. Honestly I am not self employed, I am God employed.
I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE HOW I COULD HAVE SURVIVED WITH MY Sanity attached all these years without God.
Because entrepreneurship was more about just learning to converse with God and to build this trust relationship with Him.
Entrepreneurship divorced from God is like unimaginable to me.
Only last year did I basically let go of full control and let God take over, up until then I was still asking God to bless my plans. I thought that in order to do good in the world, I had to first be like Tony Robbins. Little did I realize that things spark fire in brokenness. In our inability, God does what humans cant.
I call this grace.
So yes I managed to survive and sometimes thrive, but it was when God told me to sell everything and follow Him that I totally let go of my fear of not having enough, not being enough, not trusting him basically to take care of me.
I let go of my apartment, I let go of my new car that was leased, I let go of my credit (it plummetted), I let go of the lifestyle I was trying to sustain, when in actuality it was a huge facade of the shit that was inside my heart.
I was so tired.
I had lost friends. Family had spewed accusations at me, I had just gotten out of a codependent, unhealthy relationship where I felt like I completely lost myself.
When I lost everything I actually found myself.
I found my sweet authentic self at the core of my tears and brokenness.
So began my rebuilding of my dreams, my heart.
It was at that moment that I felt I would do anything for what I really wanted out of life, even if I had no food or shelter. I SAID God anywhere, anything, I am willing.
That is when grace filled in the gap. GOD CAME.
I got opportunities to be on 3 tv shows within a year. I stayed with my friend for a few months, ended up booking a one way ticket to Thailand.
I traveled with the spirit, not knowing where I would go next. How?
Everyone asks how. But few actually believe. You cannot do great things without first stepping out in faith. God just showed up in so many ways, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through divine encounters.
What has this year been about for me?
1. Learning to stay in faith when hardships come
2. Restoring and reconciling my relationship with my mother. When I was living alone, I had a huge motivation to prove her wrong. My family basically thought I had gone rogue and was screwing up my life by following my dreams. I remember going to Europe for 2 months and actually blocking her number because I needed space.
As an asian dsughter, I had to really speak up for myself. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY. I think it was at that moment when I was crying my eyes out because she wasnt happy for me when I told her I got this huge opporunity…..that I realize, yes she loves me, but when will I stop living for her approval??
Many of us are waiting for someone to be proud of us, to tell us, you are enough……but God showed me, I am enough for Him.
3. Breaking out of the world’s system of success
4. Living in freedom
You are responsible for the well-being of your heart. Yes, you are.
You are the landlord of your heart and you get to decide who and what resides there (landlord analogy by Christa Black). When I was younger, I’m 28 now, I opened my heart to lots of people because I thought, “well I’m taught to love people right?” but that’s when I realize that THERE IS EVIL out there. Real evil. And then I got frightened and closed my heart up after too many evil encounters. Thank God I’ve been healing from those manipulative encounters and learned to guard my heart.
I learned that it is important to have boundaries in your life. And you have to SPEAK UP for your heart, it’s your responsibility YO.
Which leads me to the whole controlling Asian parent thing again.
Recently I’ve been blessed with good food and have eaten well. It’s just this season of rest and getting fed. Well, my mom mentions a couple of times that “watch your weight”, your legs are getting fat or your stomach is getting fat.
And as you can see, I’m not an obese person, I’m a pretty skinny Asian woman that happens to have curves. (This just goes to show the impossible culture Asians live in).
I was totally fine the whole day, had no neck aches and for me when I have neck aches it is usually because I am fearing something.
SO at night I start getting these crazy painful neck aches and I start to do my inner healing, meditation, prayer time with God. I ask Spirit what the hell is going on. I look back on the day. I mean I had really great food, got this amazing dress from Nordstrom, felt so alive and free all day. I felt abundant.
Then it struck me, that moment when my mom….instead of saying “wow I had a great day with my daughter”, she said “your stomach is looking fat, watch yourself”.
Gosh, how encouraging.
So in that moment, subconsciously my self worth was struck down and subconsciously I heard and felt in my spirit “You’re not enough, you’re not good enough”.
Wow. I love healing sessions with God.
So then I start planning a speech about what I’ll tell my mom, how I’ll speak up for my heart so that I can protect it in the future. Then I have this crazy dream about a childhood friend who I am no longer friends with due to parental conditions (aka controlling Asian parents who basically took control of our friendship and ended it with, well their controlling spirit). 3 times I ask her what’s wrong, no answer.
Finally she tells me “my mom died”, I hug her and we cry and cry. Then my mom comes in and questions what I’m doing. And the light bulb went on. When do Asian kids ever grow up? Some of us, without knowing it, are still being controlled by our parents. We feel out of control, we view God like our parents…unrelenting, angry, controlling.
In Asian culture, there is no such thing as GRIEVING, we are taught to get over it, cover it up, Asian moms don’t really have much capacity to comfort or tend to your emotions (I’m talking about the older generation, now not all moms are like that but I have seen a lot).
So in the grieving, pain process, we are often commanded to ANSWER TO and name WHAT IT IS we are going through. And as you know, grieving is messy, you can’t always name it. People want to KNOW shit because they feel like they are in control if they know what it is you are going through.
Some Asian adults still feel that they are seriously unable to make their own decisions. They feel powerless in their own lives and a victim of circumstances.
Well, after my dream….I knew I had to just speak up.
“mom, can you not say anything negative about my body? It hurts my heart and honestly if I want to exercise or lose weight I will, but that’s my own decision. This is my body, not yours”.
And with that, she said okay, as long as you yourself know.
And even if I sometimes feel insecure, I know that this season is actually a blessing.
Why? Because most of the time when I’m traveling I’m losing hella a LOT of weight and I barely have an appetite sometimes, like in Cebu, Philippines, I was shitting out water, or food that turned to water, okay I know Too Much Info.
Which leads me to my point.
I once heard a relative of mine say after I chose DISTANCE from certain people in my life that “people have a right to their opinions about you”. Well I have a right to “who I want in my life and what opinions I want to hear” because most peoples’ opinions ARE NOT truth about who you are in LOVE.
Because LOVE feels good, love FIRST tells you your true identity, then in the encouragement, propels you TO DO GOOD….not the other way…like when people yell at you and tells you “you suck” and think that ‘s going to encourage you to change. LOL.
So guard your heart because out of the heart comes all the goodness and junk of life. You have a right to say NO and TO create healthy boundaries, use your speech, speak up like I did.
PS- I love Asian moms, don’t get me wrong. Not all Asian moms are this way. There are many reasons people become controlling or negative, most of the time they are speaking out of their own insecurities. AKA my mom just bought this weird massage tool that is supposed to massage the fat out of her body. I love my mom- she is REALLY amazing. Sometimes I have to write about her because well, it’s my experience and I believe it can free others.
This article doesn’t just apply to Asians or moms, or women, this applies to ALL HUMANKIND. Maybe even animals. I pray this article may help free you to LIVE IN FREEDOM!
A few months ago I filmed two tv shows, one day I was the star and then I descended to earth and was just like anyone else, alien turned human roaming Paris for a bite. No one recognized me, I was normal again.
I was also on a competition show and only one person would win. Many and most went home slighly or largely disappointed. But then some maybe found that winning was not so much about achieving the goal, but loving the process and the people surrounding the journey.
Some cried, somewanted to use the prize money to save a whole country, save the poor, send their mother to Japan, some wanted to start a fashion line, still, it made me realize how much we uphold expectations that we think are the answers to our happiness.
And we ask “what’s next?”
We rarely savor being, we rarely savor the moment.
Because we have these milestones we uphold, career advancement, getting the dream guy, getting married, having kids….we register for gift registries waiting for others to congratulate us, you made it!
We often get there and ask now what?
Which is why I want to start a revolution…its called….being.
So if you ask me what my goal is, for this year, for the rest of my life is?
I would answer “to be”.
Sounds vague. Well, I just want to breathe in every moment, to be present, and out of that space of being enough, accepted, loved, live. Whatever living looks like.
And I will create, not achieve, Ill express, like I am doing now, not achieving, because achieving is objective, it is based on peoples’ opinion.
I would also say “to live fully out of my heart”.
TO BE FULLY AUTHENTIC AND TO LIVE IN FREEDOM.
That to me is worth it all.
So no more lists of making a certain amount of income, no more lists of what i want to achieve, where I want to go, how many new friends I want….no more figuring out what I want because when you live out of being, you naturally attract the right things.
1. Our egos always seek to prove our worth thus we achieve, looking for approval, hoping someone will say I love you.
2. The way of being is love. If you are pure love, then you lack nothing.
The devil wants to shut me down, I love how he uses strangers and people who don’t even know me. My words are power, by my words I am justified.
My words are the expression of my life, I’ve always written, ever since I was young. In some governments and society freedom of speech is prohibited. In religious institutions where the spirit of control reigns, speech is limited and oppressed.
Writers, Artists are oppressed, shunned, excommunicated.
Words are powerful. And that is why I will continue to write whatever the fuck I want.
Because I am a shocking person, I am an outcast who loves the outcast. I am a revolutionist who loves to shock people with my life.
Tell me what to write when you have put your life on the line for love. Tell me what to write when you have lived as fearlessly as I have. Tell me what to write when you have trudged the forests on your own, survived death and back, tell me what to write when you have put your heart on the line for God.
I will not back down for the life of me.
My words are my heartbeats, my words are an expression of the blood running through me. I am a shock to society. I am younger than most, wiser than most, older than some, but with a hundred thousand lifetimes.
I am a spirit and a soul that no one has ever seen before. I have got all the saints and angels, prophets and leaders who have gone before me cheering me on. Believe me, you cannot control the words that God speaks through me.
So I will write WHATEVER the fuck I want.
Even if it offends you.