Improv Spoken Word – Are You Dead or Alive Dad?

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My Non-Existent Relationship With My Father Vs. Romantic Relationships

When I see a father and daughter at the mall, a part of me feels abandoned, neglected, unwanted. I don’t remember that, I don’t remember ever having my father in my life. Maybe when I was really young. But that sense of belonging and desire to be protected, secure, to be loved, it’s always been a longing that I couldn’t name.

A part of my heart shut down and I became very numb and depressed. I couldn’t even open up to certain people because my emotions were shut down. My heart would come alive when felt heard and loved.

Sometimes you want love from a person who is also unable to give you that type of love.

I think a part of me always wanted to get married because I would finally feel safe and I wouldn’t have to vie for attention or ask for it. Yet, I started to realize that longing and desire in my heart to be loved first came from being neglected by my father.

No man can fulfill that role. And my heart continues to break, not in bad way, but in a way that says “I’m grieving my relationship with my dad”. I’m grieving his “death” even though he is alive. I’m grieving the non-existent relationship I had with him.

And these feelings come when we so want a man/woman to love us.

We experience a dose of love and our souls just want more, but sometimes it ends….because that person is going to work or has other duties. Their life can’t just be about you.

Sometimes I hear that people don’t want to spend only a little time with someone because they would go home depressed or feeling alone…I’ve experienced that. That dose of love is so good that I wouldn’t want to experience it at all.

So many of us are scared to experience love because we’re scared to lose it.

I was like this.

I’d rather not love than to be disappointed.

My heart has been experiencing a deep revealing.

I’m scared of love because I’m scared to be abandoned. I’m scared of being disappointed. This is a life long trauma that stemmed from not seeing my dad for 10 years from 8-18, and then later I would see my dad once every few years.

It was always the feeling of vying for attention and never getting it. The moments of attention were great but it would fade, and he would disappear for a few days. And then suddenly I’d go back to America and he would disappear without calls or texts for another two years. My experience of a man’s love was full of disappointment, it was an avoidant love.

And I kept experiencing that kind of love in my romantic relationships. Guys who needed space, guys who didn’t want to feel their emotions.

But I keep learning from myself and my relationship. Feel your emotions, state your emotions, you are where you need to be. You are learning what you need to learn now.

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Letting Love In

For a long time I felt really numb and God would tell me to let love in.

I would disassociate and try to figure out the best way to guard myself from pain. I would simply leave if I felt the discomfort or tension within my heart. I didn’t realize that discomfort was love trying to come into my heart.

I think a lot of people use logic and knowledge to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone. They talk about what they know instead of how they feel.

But God has told me to “tell people how I feel” and it’s made a huge difference in my life.

Instead of getting busy and doing stuff, I’ve learned that when I do that it’s because I’m scared to emotional intimacy. That is how I grew up, instead of letting love in, I was taught to do stuff, to be busy. My mom would start cleaning instead of saying how she felt.

I’ve seen others do similar, but in different ways. My ex would sit down and shut down because he didn’t know how to say that he was scared to get close to me. It was a protective mechanism. I would feel really frustrated and I felt distant from him because he wouldn’t express himself to me. He would come back feeling fine but I felt excluded from his emotional journey.

Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I had situations where I was being ignored or ghosted by a friend that I thought was a friend…he bailed from a project on set and I ended up not being able to complete the project because he left. I was triggered by two people avoiding confrontation and was reminded of my dad who didn’t talk to me for 10 years. The pain rose up and I felt intense pain. I felt my whole being hurting. What hurt was that my ex used my past against me when he was angry.

It’s scary how you can feel completely close to someone but then they use the most personal pain to thwart you and destroy you on the inside. Love is really scary. After I cried about my dad thought I felt liberated.

I suddenly felt like the pain wasn’t so hard to process.

It’s just pain and it feels horrible but when you’re done crying, you’re still alive.

You might be scared to face the pain but when you do, you’ll be glad you did. I feel so much happier because I allowed my heart to feel that betrayal and pain.

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Heart & Love Breakthrough

We all want love don’t we, but we often don’t think we are avoidant of love. I was avoidant of love. I used “figuring things out” as a way to avoid emotions. I would ask God “is He the one?” instead of truly getting to know someone or experiencing intimacy with them. That’s what church taught me. They taught me about soul ties, which was a lie and misconception that caused me to avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy.

Instead of letting love in, I’d ask God what I should do. This was a communistic and legalistic way which avoided my heart from FEELING my emotions.

God would tell me “tell that person how you feel”, I started to get in touch with my emotions and it was scary at first because I often felt numb in my twenties. The negligence of my dad made me feel uncared for. I felt like my dad did not care about me nor did he love me. I felt shunned and I often felt numb.

Tonight I felt something so powerful I have never felt before. Someone told me how he felt and unfortunately I did not feel the same, but I told him how I felt. Instead of shutting him down I told him that I felt bad that I could not make him happy. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings that he had for me. When he replied with grace I realized that love is unconditional and it embraces, it doesn’t reject. Love communicates emotions.

Instead of going numb, I spoke my truth about how I felt in the moment with someone who was rambling and that broke the fear. We often allow others to ramble while we are totally numb, but then both parties are numb and unfeeling, and also largely disconnected.

A lot of people use sexuality to feel but what if you’re able to express your emotions and feel your emotions without using sex to feel it. We live in an over sexualized society where people are unable to express their emotions effectively towards someone. Because words have power and what if by expressing how we feel we conquer the fear of intimacy and build intimacy and emotional connection…most of all UNDERSTANDING.

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You Are Wanted

This morning I looked within and asked myself how I felt. I felt “unwanted” and God was telling me that I am wanted.

I realized when someone told me a casting director really liked me and I was surprised….because he kept telling me to say things over, and deep down I thought he didn’t like me or I was doing things wrong, I realized that I often think people don’t like me.

Why? Probably because my dad didn’t talk to me for 10 years. Probably because his silence in my life made me think that I was unwanted, and not likable. So these deeply imbedded thoughts made me reject myself. For many years, I called him non stop without a response. For two years, I called hundreds of times. That is why I don’t give up, I don’t stop at nothing now to get what I want.

One day he picked up my call and he was drinking whiskey. It wasn’t the type of conversation I was hoping for, but it was something. It was a breakthrough for me. That’s why I’m not afraid to call or talk to someone behind the screen about an opportunity. That’s why I’m not afraid of confrontation. That’s why I’m not afraid to say how I feel. It’s taken a lot of practice.

I would see the slightest annoyance in peoples’ faces and think they don’t like me. I would run away from situations that required me to perform. If anyone told me what to do, I’d think they’re trying to control me. Confrontation was scary to me.

When someone tells me things are not possible, I can’t do this or that, or that there’s rules or systems….something inside of me says “YES ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!”

Because God tells me to follow my heart, not rules, not systems, not schools, not policies, not tradition. He tells me to breakthrough by going after what I want.

I’ll give you a small example. Yesterday I needed to charge my phone at a restaurant. I asked the waitress and she asked her coworker. She asked a few times and he said no. I was not content because my phone was about to die. I even asked if I could charge it in the bathroom because no one else was in the restaurant. Again, the male coworker said no.

I went up to him directly because again I was not happy. He said “oh it’s because I’ve gotten in trouble for helping a customer charge their phone, but if you like to put your phone in the bathroom you can go ahead”.

His explanation helped me to realize that he wasn’t being a stickler, he just didn’t want to get in trouble and I also got to charge my phone. I got an explanation and what I wanted by going to the source. I’ve talked to a lot of managers and gotten explanations, apologies, conversations. These opportunities help me to express how I feel, instead of resenting the business. Since I didn’t grow up with my dad I never got the opportunity to express how I feel, so telling people how I feel helps me get out of my emotional cave.

Do you have trouble speaking up because of the fear of rejection?


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Overcoming Abandonment Issues

It was easier to block and unfriend when times got tough. When I couldn’t verbalize the abuse, the hurt, the wounds. I unfriended a lot of people from church because I felt betrayed and people were gossiping about me when I decided to leave.

I remember my mom crying at the airport when I was 8. My dad was standing there, I knew she was hurt but I didn’t know why. Suddenly we were in America (we flew from Taiwan) without my dad. The sad thing is I never really got to say goodbye to my dad. I never said what I needed to, I didn’t understand what was going on.

When I saw him again at the age of 18, standing in an elevator with a church mission group, I did not recognize him. He was an old man with gray hair. I was SO numb to him, I felt nothing for him, no love and no adoration. He sat down and gave me a bunch of old cameras that didn’t work.

I had no relationship with him.

That’s why now when men reach out to me, they want to talk to me and be friends even, I welcome the conversations. But I don’t realize that at some point they’ll walk away. Some of them, not all of them. I have really good guy friends that stick around, they’re there for me, but it’s not their place to be consistent. They’re not my boyfriend, why should they be. But I never saw an example of continuous conversation.

A few days ago, someone I thought was a friend claimed to go to the bathroom and he left. He blocked my number. I even lost a pair of shoes that I left in the car to change into.

It felt like my dad all over again. The feelings of abandonment hit so hard. I felt numb all over again.

I felt nothing in my heart.

I couldn’t even cry. I had told him that I didn’t appreciate him asking about my sexual past because it seemed like that was the only thing on his mind. When I’m friends with someone I want to talk to them about life, their deepest fears, their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs. I want to share my heart with them.

But maybe I’m just too much of an open book.

People tell me I should not trust people so easily, but I do and I can’t help but think that people are good.

They are good until they prove me wrong.

Ever since I realized that I had a wall that goes up high in my heart, I’ve learned to let people in again and again so that I don’t become hard hearted.

How do you trust again? Do you let people in again?

It’s not your fault that someone walked away. The worse thing for me is not having an answer, agreement. For me, I feel like I always want closure but sometimes I just can’t get it and that is what frustrates me. I want an answer, why couldn’t he tell me what was on his mind.

Have you ever had someone avoid confrontation and block you out of their life. To be honest, I’ve done that because I thought there was nothing else to talk about, but I didn’t realize I was suppressing resentment and anger towards that person.

Let love in. I know it’s hard, but not everyone is a jerk.

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Emotionally Vulnerability Goes Both Ways!

I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.

I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.

I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.

But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.

I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.

Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.

I want to submit to this women-

Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?

Have you told them how YOU felt?

That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.

I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.

Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.

You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.

How is that even a mature thing to do?

Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.

This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.


IF you like a guy, tell him.

If you appreciate him, tell him.

If you think he’s cute, tell him.

We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.

Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.

I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.

Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!


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Let Love In- It Takes A Village To Raise A Kid

I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.

Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.

I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.

Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.

Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.

Everyone has a different journey and a different season.

When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.

Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.

I said “it’s not your fault”.

I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.

“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.

“People ghost because I’m too much”

Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.

It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.

And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.

Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.


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God Wants To Break Down Your Walls

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Grace of God in West Hollywood


“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.

I have this heart heat rash.

He says “don’t be afraid of love”.

I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.

Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.

He goes “I want some pussy”.

My heart was grieved.

I was already disappointed.

Our society has come to this.

I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.

I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.

I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.

Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.

I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.

The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.

People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil. 

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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