Overcoming Abandonment Issues

It was easier to block and unfriend when times got tough. When I couldn’t verbalize the abuse, the hurt, the wounds. I unfriended a lot of people from church because I felt betrayed and people were gossiping about me when I decided to leave.

I remember my mom crying at the airport when I was 8. My dad was standing there, I knew she was hurt but I didn’t know why. Suddenly we were in America (we flew from Taiwan) without my dad. The sad thing is I never really got to say goodbye to my dad. I never said what I needed to, I didn’t understand what was going on.

When I saw him again at the age of 18, standing in an elevator with a church mission group, I did not recognize him. He was an old man with gray hair. I was SO numb to him, I felt nothing for him, no love and no adoration. He sat down and gave me a bunch of old cameras that didn’t work.

I had no relationship with him.

That’s why now when men reach out to me, they want to talk to me and be friends even, I welcome the conversations. But I don’t realize that at some point they’ll walk away. Some of them, not all of them. I have really good guy friends that stick around, they’re there for me, but it’s not their place to be consistent. They’re not my boyfriend, why should they be. But I never saw an example of continuous conversation.

A few days ago, someone I thought was a friend claimed to go to the bathroom and he left. He blocked my number. I even lost a pair of shoes that I left in the car to change into.

It felt like my dad all over again. The feelings of abandonment hit so hard. I felt numb all over again.

I felt nothing in my heart.

I couldn’t even cry. I had told him that I didn’t appreciate him asking about my sexual past because it seemed like that was the only thing on his mind. When I’m friends with someone I want to talk to them about life, their deepest fears, their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs. I want to share my heart with them.

But maybe I’m just too much of an open book.

People tell me I should not trust people so easily, but I do and I can’t help but think that people are good.

They are good until they prove me wrong.

Ever since I realized that I had a wall that goes up high in my heart, I’ve learned to let people in again and again so that I don’t become hard hearted.

How do you trust again? Do you let people in again?

It’s not your fault that someone walked away. The worse thing for me is not having an answer, agreement. For me, I feel like I always want closure but sometimes I just can’t get it and that is what frustrates me. I want an answer, why couldn’t he tell me what was on his mind.

Have you ever had someone avoid confrontation and block you out of their life. To be honest, I’ve done that because I thought there was nothing else to talk about, but I didn’t realize I was suppressing resentment and anger towards that person.

Let love in. I know it’s hard, but not everyone is a jerk.

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Emotionally Vulnerability Goes Both Ways!

I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.

I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.

I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.

But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.

I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.

Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.

I want to submit to this women-

Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?

Have you told them how YOU felt?

That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.

I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.

Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.

You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.

How is that even a mature thing to do?

Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.

This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.

Ladies-

IF you like a guy, tell him.

If you appreciate him, tell him.

If you think he’s cute, tell him.

We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.

Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.

I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.

Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!

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Let Love In- It Takes A Village To Raise A Kid

I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.

Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.

I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.

Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.

Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.

Everyone has a different journey and a different season.

When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.

Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.

I said “it’s not your fault”.

I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.

“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.

“People ghost because I’m too much”

Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.

It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.

And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.

Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.

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God Wants To Break Down Your Walls

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Grace of God in West Hollywood

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“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.

I have this heart heat rash.

He says “don’t be afraid of love”.

I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.

Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.

He goes “I want some pussy”.

My heart was grieved.

I was already disappointed.

Our society has come to this.

I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.

I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.

I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.

Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.

I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.

The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.

People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil. 

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Letting Go Of Toxic Relationships

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I feel like I’m suffocating

Like I’m drowning

I care for you and I can’t breathe

But I feel like you are a speck in the ocean slowly moving away

Walking away

I cry in silence

Sometimes loudly

Bawling

Yet you seem to feel nothing

And so I fade into the distance, I allow my heart to suffocate into the background

This is a familiar feeling

When I knew it was ending but I didn’t want to let go

I silently screamed into my pillow

I had given my all

And yet it was not enough

I’ve paid my dues, this time I’ll learn to let go faster than before

I feel like I’m drowning

But I can’t hear myself speak

I try to speak but words won’t come out because I still want your security even when it is false

I almost cried hearing his story

He walked away, angry, never crying

He said.

If I said how I felt, it wouldn’t be enough, what is the point, his pride would get in the way

This time, I’ll let go faster than I did before

So my heart does not suffocate from lack of air.

This time I’ll let myself be happy instead of pay a fine

This time I’ll walk out scotch free, this time I’ll choose myself, instead of pleasing him.

This time I’ll better myself by freeing myself

This time, this time.

And you’ll call me crazy, ridiculous, any words, any words.

But I hope you look in your heart and see that your refusal to be in touch with your heart is only a curse on your own soul.

Whoever he was, he is, they are all the same, the same lessons. They keep coming, they come in the form of tall and short, green or blue eyes, brown, they are all the same person walking in the same lesson.

Will you listen to your heart this time?

Or will you scream into the void?

Will you empty yourself until you have nothing left?

Will you try to break down a brick wall with your bare hands? Bloody and torn, those hands made to hold you, now depleted, destroyed.

He didn’t know it was coming last time, but it came like a storm and broke his cold stone heart, he wept for the first time. I broke his heart and it took years.

I didn’t know I had to let him go to open his heart, that was the only way to go, not to hold onto him, but to let him go.

I used to give all of myself to love someone, even if I only got 10% back.

I used to think it was my fault that someone wasn’t able to love me back, but I realize that some people have a small cup that cannot contain my bucket loads of love. 

My job is to find someone who can pour back into my buckets, instead of feeling depleted giving constantly.

I made the first move to reconcile with my dad after 10 years of not seeing him. I flew thousands of miles and hours to see him. Slowly we reconciled. I would fly back again after 2 years, more and more but every time I would be sad to leave, sometimes I was disappointed. Last time he couldn’t take me to the airport because he had a migraine.

No matter what, nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing I did could open up his heart to me.

So I would give all of myself to love someone, and most people only give back 10%.

What I learned is, find those who are willing to give love to you. 

I used to think it was my fault that people didn’t open up to me, that people didn’t love me, that my dad didn’t show love to me.

But I realize no, it’s not my fault. I tried my best and now I have to teach my heart to move on. I moved on from my dad, my mom, from my brother, from exes, from past friendships and I still learn to move on as I speak up and keep honoring my heart.

I kept trying to get love from people who didn’t have any to give.

And I realize very little people have that emotional capacity to express love.

God send me people that know how to express and give love without fear. I don’t have fear for fear has to do with punishment. Guide us into the right direction, to people who have love to give.

I stood up for myself this time. I spent 2.5 years allowing my heart to die to be with someone 6 years ago. I then encountered a man that reminded me of my ex. I had to learn to let go faster than I did last time. Because the same red flags came up. God will send the same type of person so you’d learn to stand up for yourself this time around.

The same situations will come up until you learn to overcome them and confront your worse fears.

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You Are Worthy of Love

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Dear Dad,

I felt God say to write a letter to you.

It’s very hard to understand that your heart is for me or that you even love me when we basically have no communication.

Communication is my heart language, besides physical affection.

It’s hard to understand when someone rejects you. I’ve been dealing with feeling unwanted my whole life, so I didn’t put myself in front of many opportunities or even love itself. Friendships, desires for relationships.

There were two instances where I felt rejected by men. One guy I really liked but since at one point he just wanted to be friends, he rejected my hug. I felt rejected and unwanted. Now after that he said he wanted to be alone and he never picked up my calls or texts. But God kept telling me to express how I felt so I did.

It was difficult not getting a response. I persevered and then eventually the desire waned after I did my fare share of reaching out. Eventually I met someone else. Now this was another growth lesson.

God has always told me to not be afraid of rejection. So I keep putting my heart out there even though it hurts.

This one has a kid and a fair share of past drama. To which, I thought, you know what let me not get involved. But for some reason God kept telling me to follow my heart and as much as I was afraid of a possible end, I pursued it knowing God had breakthroughs for me. 

I remember someone prophesying over me that I was going up a hill and a mountain, but that it would be worth it.

This year God has been preparing me for marriage and He has been doing it through getting to know people I go on dates with. The lessons are beyond plentiful.

Showing me peoples’ experiences through marriage, cheating, just like you did, you cheated, but maybe you had your reasons.

I followed my heart and I’ve cried plenty of times. I realize that it has worked out my muscles, my heart. Because I wanted to deny my emotions for a long time. I wanted to not feel, because I thought pain was so awful. Now I realize pain is a gift. Pain allows you to process your fears.

I was afraid of getting hurt.

I felt unwanted when I couldn’t get what I wanted, I felt rejected- but when I cried because of that pain, I felt a release of fear. 

When I was able to express my fears openly and honestly, then cry in front of a man, I felt loved. Because I was transparent and naked emotionally. 

God always sends men who seem shut down and emotionally unavailable, like you dad.

But for some reason when I am able to show my emotions and have breakthroughs I realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s about me being able to feel.

Even if you never reciprocate, as long as I can feel, I’m okay.

Because this is my life, and I have to be okay with my emotions, I have to express love and love myself by embracing my emotions.

I’m open now.

It’s so good to be alive.

I don’t always have to laugh or be happy in front of people, I can be vulnerable.

I feel amazing today. I feel at rest having cried. I feel peaceful. I can have what I want, my presence in the moment.

I kept running from my emotions not realizing my emotion is the best gift. I embrace every emotion I have and I freely release them in the moment.

you are worthy of love signage on brown wooden post taken
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I wish someone taught me dating is not about getting to the end goal but realizing and healing from the wounds that need to be healed before you meet the one. So instead of the end goal of meeting the one….it’s about reflecting on the cross section of issues that you have and what that other person has. And experiencing breakthrough and healing through those conversations, conflicts, emotions.

Good Love

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You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

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Love Vs. Lust

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It’s 5:35am and I woke up feeling anew.

I was texting friends and telling them how I felt about love versus lust. The last couple of months I’ve talked to people about waiting until marriage to have sex. I wish more people talked about sexuality and sex. I wish more people realized how damaging sex really can be outside of love.

Even as a virgin, I experienced sexual and physical experiences.

As a spiritual being, I started to become even more aware when I would hear “unclean spirits”. Even if I wanted to ignore it my spiritual senses became heightened. I felt unclean, not because of what I was doing but because of the spirits that were attached the person I was with.

So I could say “God I just want to enjoy myself” but now I realize there is something impure in lust. You are righteous in Christ Jesus, but there is something damaging to the soul when you are being used for physical pleasure versus connecting out of love. 

The more spiritual you become, growing in sensitivity to God, the more you sense what spirit people are operating out of.

A spirit of lust basically takes over you.

If you notice kissing someone, and all of a sudden your vagina/penis kicks in and at a certain moment, you no longer feel like you have control over your mind or emotions. Endorphins are being released but something spiritual is also happening.

Love and lust are very different things.

Love causes you to reach out, love causes you to express how you feel, love endures, it doesn’t give up.

Lust gives up, lust is momentary. 

Love makes you feel safe.

Lust is corrupt, it doesn’t make you feel safe. It feels good in the moment but later you feel used, it’s unclean. I have felt it before.

Love doesn’t leave you stranded, love communicates.

Lust ghosts. 

Love wants to understand and listen to you.

Lust simply wants to get in your pants. Lust has no desire to communicate clearly, it overtakes you and has no desire to understand your emotions. It’s a USER! Lust only has one agenda- sex. Lust uses for momentary pleasure and has no commitment. 

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Love makes you feel like a queen, but lust makes you feel like a whore.

God is mending and healing your sexual wounds. He says that you are MORE THAN YOUR BODY. You are a temple. When you’ve been filled with the Holy Spirit, you start to become even more sensitive to His heart for you.

God is doing something new for you. 

He is renewing your heart. He is redeeming you from the past.

God, I just cut off the past, negative cycles I cut it off in Jesus name!

I break and loose any soul ties that are not from you in Jesus name and call back any remnants of our soul in Jesus name.

Is that person going to stay with you and make you feel like a queen? Is he willing to sacrifice himself for you? 

Is he calling you and asking you about your day? Is he concerned about your welfare? Is he asking you about how you feel? Is he concerned for your safety and checks in on you? Does he tell you that he loves you? 

Or is he simply using you for a momentary release?

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I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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