I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Let’s Talk About Dating!!!!!

When I was young, I was taught that God will just bring your husband.

You just had to sit there and wait.

LOL.

But what God has taught me in the last few years is that when you have triggers and issues related to men (for me) since I did not grow up with my dad and had many fears about marriage— God will graciously bring what you need to heal those wounds.

God has brought me many divine appointments to show me that there are good men out there. He has taught me how to communicate and relate to a male. He has shown me why some males have trouble communicating their emotions and what they struggle with.

Here were my fears –

  1. That someone will disappear and walk away (a fear of loss).
  2. I felt that people didn’t care about me, and instead of conveying how they felt….they disappeared (again).
  3. That if I got emotionally close to someone and it was a male, they had to be my future husband….because if I got close to someone who wasn’t my husband then well, they’d end up liking me or vice versa…and that was ultimately bad…since you would have to separate from each other. So better not to take the chance. And also because I had a close guy friend that I thought liked me, but ultimately got a girlfriend (so I read the cues wrong but God protected me).

What I have learned to do in the last years-

  1. Tell a guy if I liked him or was attracted to him. Be vulnerable and tell him how I felt even if he did not like me back. This has helped me to overcome any fear of rejection. 
  2. Tell a guy if he was not my future husband and brace the reactions, even if it was bad.
  3. Tell the truth at all times. 

So I think churches don’t teach that stuff at all. 

Churches teach “avoid” at all costs. They don’t teach honesty. They don’t teach people how to confront issues and bring up the issue. What I learned from church was “just avoid dating. Only date the guy if he’s going to be your husband”.

Dating is really about getting to know a person. If after a date, or a coffee date….he is not what you’re looking for, it’s okay to tell the truth and move on! Perhaps a lot of people are scared to date because they’re scared of rejection or getting their heart broken.

Dating isn’t about avoiding the truth, it’s about telling the truth! Some people are scared to date because they’re scared to hurt someone….so they just disappear or ghost and there are a lot of unresolved issues because of that. 

I’ve seen that the more honest and direct you are, the better.

Some people settle because they think “this is good enough”.

But you deserve the BEST! 

So why not put yourself out there. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about living in freedom and expressing love.

I have told plenty of people that they are attractive or that they are kind and loving. I have told people that they are amazing. Why not? And I’ve been vulnerable too, and I’ve been hurt. But why live with fear?

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Unconditional Love

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We all need love but when we have been hurt we don’t want to open up again.
Love needs to invade the walls of self protection and when unveiled, we feel vulnerable and open to pain or attack.
Sure it hurts. But then we rise again.
Recently a situation with a guy I met helped me see that my heart was shut down because my dad doesn’t talk to me. I’ll open my heart to connect but then suddenly it’s like he doesn’t care anymore. It’s like I don’t exist. I had to reach out to the guy to understand why he didn’t text or call me. We had to communicate. A part of me thought what’s the point, we are not going to be together. But it really did help, I didn’t feel ignored and I felt loved to hear truth.
Honest truth.
I grew up feeling emotionally shut down, sometimes depressed. I thought God was ignoring me. I wouldn’t let people in and when I did, it hurt and sometimes when I told the truth, most people left.
The truth was too much for them. They wanted me to be silent. They wanted me to fit in. They wanted me to be what they expected of me. They liked me when I didn’t speak up, when I conformed.
They attacked me for being different.
I was attacked my whole life for standing out, so I shut down and people pleased.
Then when God told me to speak up, I lost friends, I got persecuted, I was rejected, I was judged.
I lost everything that was false. I sold everything to follow Jesus. I got rid of my car and my apartment. Everything was a facade of success. I was struggling to pay my bills, I was broken inside. When I did that people criticized me. They didn’t understand I was being set free from what bond me.
Conditional love.
I had only experienced conditional love. The type of love that loves you only when you conform and fit in. The type of love that only loves you when you listen to them.
That was the bondage, the spirit of lack.
I never experienced being loved for who I am.
And now as I’m coming out of hiding, I tell my complete truth, I need help, I’m not perfect.
I want to be loved for who I am, not the perfect me, the me now. Enough in God’s eyes, whole in God’s eyes.
Unconditional love.

Don’t Play It Safe. In Order to Break Off Condemnation and Fear, You Have To Continue To Put Yourself Out There

Your heart is a muscle that needs to be exercised.

I woke up feeling tense and scared of people, I felt condemned and had to make a prayer video. You are righteous because of His sacrifice.

And then I had to take risks ALL DAY! 

I was out from 11am to 10pm.

There were times I was like “no”, but most of the time I said “yes”.

What does it look like to say yes to God. 

To do things that scare you. 

I prophesied over strangers and told people about what I do. I asked for donations, I asked for rides from strangers. They all turned out to be lost sheep, divine appointments.

I was sitting at a bus stop and God told me to ask for a ride.

I asked a few guys, and all of them said no. They looked hesitant, didn’t want to take a risk of picking up a stranger. I didn’t say I was a prophet, I just did it.

I was getting discouraged and then suddenly a man I asked before came back. He had dropped off his work truck and came back. He had a picture of his daughter. He was Catholic, yes, of course. This man will be blessed for saying yes. We talked for awhile and a part of me just wanted to go home.

“God isn’t this enough?” I looked out the window and most of the shops were closed except for a few boba shops. It was enough to get me out the door. I thanked him and blessed him.

It wasn’t about me doing more, it was me learning to put my heart out there, no matter the risk or the consequences. Because yesterday I took a risk and asked a neighbor I just met to take me home and his stepmom kept calling him. I felt this fear rise up in my heart, I felt responsible for him getting in trouble. But God said “no you didn’t do anything wrong”. I take risks everyday, talking to strangers is not always easy. Praying for the demonically oppressed guy was not easy too, it freaked me out a little, but love is big, love never fails.

It’s about God opening your heart, and not letting SATAN have a foothold in your heart, not having a stronghold of fear in your heart (which builds as you allow yourself to submit to it).

It’s not about being right, but living in freedom and knowing no matter how people respond, you are a child of God and worthy of God’s love. You are a child of God, you are not afraid of living in freedom. This means you freely put yourself out there, you’re not afraid of the risk of rejection or judgement. 

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One of the only restaurants opened in Pasadena. I got to prophesy to her.

At the end of the day, I felt led to go to Popeyes and the guy gave me a free drink. I yelled “I love you”.

So yes, love requires lots of risk and it may look different for everyone but what I’ve learned is, God’s goal is to set you free to live in freedom, He wants you to be free of any fear that may hinder you from experiencing love.

Yes, maybe there were very little people on the buses and on the streets but God still led me to my divine appointments. My life is so much richer because of God.

I meet men who say they are afraid to put themselves out there to date again because of past hurts, I meet women who say the same. But so what, you have to just keep putting yourself out there, when it is the right time, the right person will come.

Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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Holy Spirit Confronts ALL Strongholds of Fear

Oh wow, okay. Where do I begin.

This morning I heard go to Downtown, but a part of me was like “should I go buy groceries and go home?” But I was like no just go. “I have not given you a spirit of fear”.

I met some people in the stores and then met a driver who was Catholic. He told me he had a bad marriage and his experience reminded me of my ex. I started to feel weird, it reminded me of what I subjected myself to.

When I got back to Alhambra I heard go to Pasadena. Fine, God. I jumped on the 260 bus.

It was already late…but suddenly there was a homeless man yelling in the bus. I heard “give him $1”. I asked what his name was and where his parents were. He said his name was William and his parents passed away 30 plus years ago. He was 40.

I said “you’re supposed to be an actor”.

“Oh yah, am I going to be on stage?”

I mean, his hands were dirty, he was yelling and cursing. I mean the more I prayed the more he manifested. Then I heard “unforgiveness” and said he needed to forgive those who hurt him.

I felt this warmth go up my lungs and started crying. I never felt such warmth, so visible, so strong. I could feel my flesh want to shrink but my spirit urging me. Pray for him, God said. I mean I am in a bus with other people.

I’m singing “Jesus loves you”.

When I got off the bus, I had to sanitize my hands so I went into a boba shop and told the cashier what I was doing. She told me she was also Christian. We talked a bit and then I went towards home.

I heard mcdonalds, so I went, even though I could have gotten Sprite somewhere else. The Sprite tasted too fruity. I got a refund, but I met a lost sheep. Someone who grew up Catholic. We talked for a bit.

I left, went to get real Sprite.

Now, I start hearing “ask for a ride”. So I’m looking around, where.

I suddenly see this young man playing with a drone. I ask if he is catholic and he says he grew up Christian but does believe in God. We walk, but then I ask for a ride. He drives me…That’s when his stepmom starts calling incessantly.

I told him to not go to the army, that he was called to be an actor. But that God is breaking off people pleasing. I see a vision of him with a dog collar and his stepmom with a leash.

Wow, God. I tell him how when I start to disciple and train people, they are often called to displease their parents to follow Jesus. And sure, it is hard. But they can’t bow down to any men (including their parents), they must stay firm when God beckons. 

Backbone. Or whoever, whoever God calls them to speak up to. 

There are systems, structures, demonic strongholds in place all over the world and these deliverers will stand up to the strongholds and knock down the bondages. 

I think back a year ago I would have been more conscious of people watching me when I pray for people on the bus, but now I’m not scared anymore.

I may have been scared of the demons oppressing a homeless person, but now I know no power is greater than the blood of Jesus.

Before I met the 20 year old, I felt pain in my stomach and had to cast out a spirit of infirmity that was trying to attack me. But suddenly as fast as it came, it went away. Praise God!

Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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The Bachelorette

Rebekka5

Hi friends!

First off, if you’ve ever wanted to talk to me, had questions, want advice or coaching on spirituality, romance, love, issues, overcoming anxiety and fears, finding your life direction, career paths, dating, etc or if you just want to chat!….I am doing sessions from 12pm- 2pm pacific time. (TODAY, February 19, 2020)

Book A Session

See you soon! There are 8 sessions available. 

I really hate dating sometimes.

My heart feels tight, I woke up crying. My mom wanted to go to Ikea but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be alone. I needed to feed my heart and I didn’t want to respond to her nagging.

I went on a date with this guy, he was Christian too. He was a great guy. We talked about God, it was amazing.

But his level of faith wasn’t in par with mine.

That was the dilemma. You need to make sure he is called to the same life purpose. I’m called to deliver people from demons, fears, bondages, I’m called to follow Jesus, and I’m dedicated to Jesus. I’m not a half Christian who just goes to church, I’m listening to His voice on the daily. 

I could lie to myself and lie to him, but I’m too old for that. I’m 32. I’m looking for my husband. 

The truth really does set you free. Sometimes people play around with their truth. They like a person, there is chemistry, but there is no alignment. 

  1. Does he have the same purpose and calling as you?
  2. Does he love Jesus the same as you, or is he just following your faith?
  3. Does he have the same values as you.

I hate having magical moments and suddenly….you’re hit with reality.

OMG he’s not it.

I actually told the guy that he wasn’t it before we went on the date and he said later on that he thought I said that because I felt pressured.

We had some really deep talks.

I was crying at one point because I got really scared of getting hurt…the truth hurts sometimes, but it will definitely set you free.

DATING SUCKS SOMETIMES.

BUT YOU LEARN how to communicate your truth, you learn what it is you want, and you learn not to compromise your energy and your time. You also learn to be vulnerable and to speak your truth at all times. 

BE BRAVE.

Sow a seed, thank you for your partnership in setting people free! 

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If you have any questions, want to chat or need coaching, click below!

I am doing sessions from 12pm- 2pm pacific time. 

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See you soon! There are 8 sessions available. If you can’t talk today, please add me on the app anyways as I will be providing more sessions. Love, Rebekka 

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How To Overcome Fear

Some mornings, many mornings I wake up afraid.

Not with anxiety, but I’m afraid to put myself out there. I’m afraid because the previous day I encountered an awkward situation. Some days I encounter people who are difficult, some days I’m afraid of rejection.

That fear is a spirit coming against me to put me in a corner.

Me- I didn’t get enough sleep! I slept 6 hours.

God- It’s more than enough.

Sometimes I feel like I need more encouragement, more approval, more money, more sleep, more this or more that….and it prevents me from going forward.

But then God will tell me to get out of bed- He’ll say “you are enough”.

How many of you linger in bed or at home, afraid to go out? Because you feel like you are not enough? And so even though you are lonely and want to make friends, you’d rather stay in bed? Even though you want to get married, you don’t want to ask anyone out?

You want to have a family, a tribe of friends that understand, but you’re petrified of rejection.

You do ministry and have to fundraise, but you’re scared of rejection or judgement so you’d rather not ask. And you struggle on your own.

Sure it is easier to stay in your bed but do you know that you are submitting to fear? The enemy wants you to live in fear. He doesn’t want you to have friends. He doesn’t want you step into your promises, He doesn’t want you to meet your husband/wife because if you don’t put yourself out there, you will never meet your husband/wife. 

God wants you to live in freedom.

He says YOU ARE FREE!

You are free to run, fail, make mistakes, cry, even experience trauma, heal and get up again.

GET UP! RISE!

IT is not ABOUT being perfect, it’s about living in freedom and knowing God will always embrace you in His arms, never judge you or reject you. You are always right in His eyes.

Some of you have also been submitting to uncomfortable situations because you’re afraid to speak your truth. Instead of living in freedom, you’d rather submit to peoples’ expectations of who you should be….today make a choice to speak your truth loud and clear.

Sow a seed, thank you for your partnership in setting people free! 

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