The Truth of Your Heart & How To Live From A Place of Authenticity

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The truth of your emotions, if not dealt with resurrect in other areas of your life, creating discrepancies between who you are and what you do because your heart is desiring to tell the truth (even if you do not want to feel them). The adult self will reprimand the little one, when in fact the adult self should have allowed the little one to be honest at all cost….the cost of facing the pain, anger, the cost of not being liked or understood, the cost of rejection.

Love for self will eventually say “I am worth the cost”.

Though the process of moving past “people pleasing” (because perhaps you have not spoke the truth in fear that you will be rejected) will be difficult, you will reach a part of you heart that is authentic and you will be able to live out of authenticity versus people pleasing.

I am realizing that any form of addiction, “bad behavior” comes and swells from areas of your heart that you have shut down, unwilling to feel emotions, that is why you need a certain release because the truth of your emotions were not expressed. That is why people turn to self hating addictions or behaviors.

I have experienced this myself. The self willed discipline to be a certain way to society, to look a certain way. It came mostly from legalistic religious upbringing from institutions that loved the behaviors and not the person.

It taught people to not feel, to pretend to be positive and pretend to forgive yet with bitterness buried alive.

Self-will is useless. Only Spirit can enable you to be transformed. It is an inner transformation, not performance.
God sees the heart while people see outward appearance.

It has taught me to discern. Wisely.

But I have learned to be authentic with my true emotions.

Because emotions are valuable. Even if it is pain.

I have become stronger from within, as more people misunderstood me, the more I was able to face the pain of rejection and the more I became truthful with my heart.

The heart longs to be truthful, it needs to be expressed. Do not pretend, do not suppress them. We often fight our desires because of “shoulds”, no longer listening to the little child within. We try to discipline our hearts thinking we know better. The heart needs to express its true desire.

 

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A New Day: My Story of Broken to Healed

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Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.

I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.

And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand. 

Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.

I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough. 

And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.

I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice. 

Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.  

And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.

In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”. 

And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now. 

No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me. 

I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.

I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful. 

The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.

Kismet & The Power of Growing In Grace

Today was a magical day.

I feel like a new person.
True, after years of lament and grieving over the past, after feeling numb, I went through 12 seasons of healing…or more.
Sometimes I just felt like shit for no reason. Sometimes I woke up heavy, asking what was the purpose of it all.
All of this came from broken places within me. Grief of losing a best friend, grief of a broken heart from a long term relationship, I had to let everything fall to pieces and rest in the finished work. I was pushing really hard in my career but it seemed nothing was working and God was telling me to back down. 
I had to believe God in the process. 
And even though many a times there was not a smile on my face, there was not a feeling or desire to dance, socialize or make friends…how could I when everything I had known was too good. Could I have that again? Being known without words? To be appreciated that way?
The healing process is slow and tedious, it is like having the last inch of hope, crawling, lying down.
I think when God told me to sell everything and follow Him, it was a literal and spiritual sense of letting go of what I thought I wanted.
Even though we think we have big dreams, our idea of what our life should look like often is not holistic. 
For example, we want a husband, a house, a good career yet we have broken relationships with our parents. In fact, some of us hope to build a life when we haven’t talked to our parents for 10 years or we have deep distrust of men but we hope we meet prince charming.
These are contradictory.
God will not force onto you what you are not ready for. That is why the way of grace teaches us to wait upon the Lord. 
I know as humans we want things to happen fast, but I have found the way of grace, it teaches us that healing our being is not automatic, it is a process of relationship with God. 
God will not give you what you are not mature enough to handle…..and we can hustle, push for it outside of flow and grace…..and that is when dysfunction happens. 
Trust the process.
In all the waiting I have found that God really does know better. Even though I often struggled with “not knowing”, I found peace in the rest and grace of God.
Everyday was an act of surrender.
I learned to say no continuously to the things that did not feel right. I trusted God’s voice to not pursue opportunities and doors that were opened to me, I asked God for each decision. 
It’s definitely not easy, but it is worth it. Today I enjoyed a nice dinner and cocktail, and then suddenly felt an impulse to do yoga. I have NOT actively exercised, besides walk everywhere. Even though I felt groggy, I knew that it was part of my healing and that I needed to allow myself to just be, to be okay with the process of rest (sometimes just resting in bed). 
Sometimes I felt bad for gaining weight, but then I would hear God say “it’s okay, you are perfect”. And I knew that I needed exercise to come from a place of desire rather than a place of lack.
I desire to feel good in my skin versus I’m not GOOD enough so I need to lose weight and look good.
I needed my inner glory to match my physical glory.
And so I ran, I ran to the yoga place. I didn’t think I could do it, the hot yoga, but I felt every piece of the past fall off me, sweat off me.
“I am more powerful than I know”. Even after months of rest, I was more powerful physically than I knew.
Afterwards, I was waiting for the bus and turned around….it was a friend I had met online, eating inside a restaurant with a friend. OMG.
I ran in and talked to them. This was an online friend I met via our blogs.
Kismet.
Then I talked to a hot fireman and must I say, I have not talked to anyone of the prospective male species for awhile. And it felt good. To be like available emotionally again.
So happy birthday to me, February is my birthday month and I am excited.

Gaining Freedom In The Waiting

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When you heal your heart, you may find seasons of seeming equilibrium, no extremes. Your old self may crave drama, it may be addicted to highs and lows, but you are a new being. You have been healed, you no longer need external validation to confirm your inner glory.
She is no longer broken, looking for acceptance in the wrong places or the wrong people. She is whole, gaining freedom in the waiting.
Her heart belongs only to the one who has freed her. She is secure in her own right, she breathes with courage. She waits when everyone runs, she runs when everyone waits. She listens to her heart because it tells her when to go, when to wait, where to go or whether to stay.
She is no longer attracted to the dark balls of illness and disease that looks for broken parts of humans to absorb and trap.
She is no longer chained to old patterns, bad boys, nice boys with manipulative tendencies, bitchy friends, gossip, bad-mouthing, she looks for peace in places. Where is the peace, she wanders there, she is attracted to light. She is light.
She would rather be alone than with bad company. She comes alive in the presence of the one who frees her, there within her heart. She lets go and flies free.

Life can fuck you up

“Just warning you, there is an F word, the third word”.

“Okay….Life can fuck you up….what does fuck you up mean?” – mom.

“Um. Just read the whole thing.”

This is what I told her to read, my facebook status.

“Life can fuck you up. It can leave you jaded. It is like an earthquake happened and the building fell on you. It is God’s job to pick up the pieces that fell on you if you ask, if you let Him. Every piece is like a piece of your heart and He examines what was broken and pieces it back together.
It is heavy as fuck in the process. Your heart feels heavy, your body feels heavy. You do not have the energy to do much.
But when your conscious self sees each piece, brought to reality, brought to light, you dismantle the lie that came with the rubble.

When that piece fell on you you thought “I must not be enough”.
When another piece fell on you you thought “I never win”.
When yet another piece fell on you you thought “nobody loves me, I am a burden”.
But God wants to heal you, He says you are a gift, not a burden, you are enough, you are loved, you are a winner.
This has been my journey.”

Why are there so many “you you”? -mom

Sigh.

I had a dream last night that revealed to my conscious being what I was truly feeling. I was suppressing a lot of emotions because I was taught growing up that I shouldn’t cry. But in reality, I was feeling some despair. I’m tired of waiting, and I often ask, for what. But God has told me, wait upon me. Sometimes I wonder, what am I waiting for. But maybe I’m not waiting, I’m just healing.

I know that sometimes we want to rush the healing process and “get on” with life, but maybe true living means loving the process, loving the season we are in, being honest about how we feel, even if we are frustrated, sad, confused, angry, but simply embracing those emotions instead of pushing them away.

 

 

You Have A Clean Slate for 2017

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In 2016 I was healed of FOMO (fear of missing out). 

I had probably read too many travel blogs and was hoping my 2016 would be non-stop traveling and well, it wasn’t. In fact, I rested, wrote and painted a lot. I actually stayed in LA for a consecutive 3 months. Yes I did fly to Paris to film a travel show, Morocco to backpack, and then to the Philippines for another show…but when I came back from Cebu in June, the most out of state traveling I did was a cruise to Mexico.

Also the last few years, I happened to be traveling during the holidays. On my birthday 2 years ago, I traveled to Catalina Island and spent a few days alone.

Instead of the “hoo-haa I want to party and dance”, I did not feel that way this year. I was okay staying in and watching Netflix. I was comfortable with the peace of just being with God. Peace was something I attained more of in 2016 and I realized it was better than the crazy drunkenness that comes with partying.

Peace was better than dating guys that messed up my peacequilibrium.

Peace was better than forcing myself to attend family events where I would be attacked verbally.

Peace was better than spending time with people who were constantly striving because they don’t know their worth.

Peace was better than the struggle of speeding into other peoples’ lanes because of jealousy. You see, there are dreams that people have that are not YOURS. Know your vision, know your dreams, know what you want and don’t go hopping into other peoples’ lanes because you have a minute of jealousy.

Shut off your phone, laptop. Unplug for a minute. Sync with God. You are enough, here and now….not when you achieve something else, when you attain something more, or when you meet the right person…you are enough now.

Stay in your lane, focus on your life. Don’t go “but they’re doing this or that….”.

I learned that if it is God, it feels peaceful. I learned that if it was the right way to go, it is peace. Yes, new paths might be scary, but deep down there exists a tremble of excitement. A scary excitement. 2017 will bring new levels of promotion, love and joy.

I see your past wiped out, you have a clean slate for a new life. Forgive yourself. Let the past go. Let’s move forward together. Are you in? 

I Found My Identity In The Wilderness

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Finding our identity is probably one of live’s biggest struggle.

Ignoring other people’s opinions about who you are or who you should be and what you should do is another. It is never about what they think about you, but what you think about yourself. 

For a long time I didn’t really know who I was, I knew I had big dreams and I had visions of what my life would look like, but since every dream takes time…people simply saw my process. When people don’t see results, they start judging you big time. Even though you have only been on this earth for less than 30 years, for some reason they want you to be Richard Branson already. And perhaps it was my mistake to tell people, I basically was so full of passion that I told everyone. And then people started mocking me. 

And then I hid. 

Not in a cave, but something like one. I departed from people, cut ties with people who didn’t truly understand. I kept a few close friend and I am truly grateful for them because they have seen my journey. I believe that this season is essential. This season I call the wilderness season requires introspection and sometimes seasonal solitude. 

In the wilderness season God helped me weed out the lies…the lies of not being enough, lies that I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to prove myself….lies that I must hide myself to honor those around me (that didn’t know themselves).

It’s dishonoring to yourself to hide your light, it’s dishonoring to the creator who created you.  You are way too brilliant to be hid, you are way too beautiful to not be admired. 

But at the end of the day, you must see yourself right first. You must see your own beauty, your own brilliance, your own talent, your own genius. You must be so confident that even if others belittle you, you can defend yourself in confidence, or in confidence walk away. And oh, forgive them and not live with a false success revenge mentality (which is when you are offended and try to succeed to prove people wrong rather than doing it out of pure joy and love).

I often hear “do not engage, this is a low mentality warfare” sometimes when I hear negative remarks. I know it is their ego speaking, so I must be wise not to get distracted in low level spiritual warfare. There are so many tactics the enemy uses.

Gossip is one of the ways I’ve learned self-control. Today someone mentioned someone who was told something about someone. They were demeaning them, judging their decisions in life. I listened and then I said “we don’t know them, we don’t even talk to them, why are we judging them? And also we’ve made mistakes in our lives too, everyone has their battles”. I know that I have been there too, mistakes, failures, I am not one to judge. 

In a way, the wilderness season humbles you. It prepares you to be the great person you are, to confront giants that belittle you, tell you you’re not enough. The wilderness season prepares you to enter battles in your work, with companies, with consultants, with kings, queens, presidents. 

Interesting. What did they say about me? Well, I hope one day they know how brilliant they are too. Because I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, loved and accepted for who I am now.