A Life With No Plan B

A Life With NO Plan B

Every upgrade and levels in our life requires a TRANSITION PERIOD/SEASON. I know, most of us hate waiting. We want things instantaneously.

There are days I trust God, I can rest in His grace, I know He is able…but there are days I can’t get my mind off of what’s not happening, or on my current circumstances. When that happened this morning, I was reminded to worship. I realize I was focusing more on the circumstances instead of Jesus. 

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 

Joseph Prince said “when we start to SEE, that’s when we lose faith”, because we are SEEING with earthly eyes and not on what GOD is doing. We live by FAITH and not by SIGHT.

I’ve walked this NO PLAN B journey with God after I graduated from COLLEGE and quit my full time job. I went backpacking in Australia for 2 months, when I got back I sold jewelry, I lived the hippie life in Silverlake. I went from one LEVEL to ANOTHER.

I felt His calling, GO, and I would GO. I went to Ecuador, Brazil, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore…I went without a plan B, often times fearing that I would be stranded without financial provisions, but somehow it would work out. I would meet the people I was meant to meet.

Plan A was this, trust God, Go with GOD, and BE God’s light wherever I went. 

Was it scary, hells YES.

But each time I trusted Him to bring me through, I would see more of His love and character. God is unchanging- He will bring you through the storms of life just to show you that He is not MAN that He should lie. You are untouchable when you have God with you. 

Abraham was told to leave his father’s house and go to a land that God would show him.

Ummmm….which land? How?

That’s what we would ask, or I would ask…..but through God’s leading in the last few years I realized, I never really knew where I was going until I got to the “land” before the next “land”.

For example, I lived in Pasadena for a few years, but then He told me to sell everything and follow Him. Then He said “Hawaii”, so I went to Hawaii for 2 weeks. Then when I got back, I didn’t feel led to tell my friends and family I was back…so I was at a hotel with my one backpack, and I called my friend “I have no idea where I am going”. I was scared because even though I enjoyed my time in Hawaii, it was like Now what?

She said, “you can stay with me”.

Then I was there for a week, two weeks, a month, a few months.

Then I packed up everything again, this time Thailand was fiercely on my heart, it had been for a year. I went with $1000, with no return ticket.

This time, God would whisper a “land” after my work was done in one “land”. Vietnam, He would say. I couldn’t control anything really. But then I would meet a missionary, or a new friend, and it was like Kismet. It was encouraging when I met these divine encounters, that’s when I knew I was at the right place at the right time. I was there for them and vice versa.

Then eventually I ran out of cash, and somehow I would survive, even if it was with a credit card I didn’t know would work, I survived. Even if it was selling my tablet at some sketchy stall in Malaysia, it paid for a week of my prison cell sized room. Even if it was holy spirit arranging me to help a new bed and breakfast with social media in exchange for room and board.

But it wasn’t really about that. It was learning to TRUST GOD, to go with God and to know that God was with me. 

Are you willing to go into the unknown without a plan b?

It is scary as hell.

Truthfully, He was showing me “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you”….but more importantly….

“I’m reliable, I’m your God, I’m your best friend” and through all this I grew closer in intimacy with the creator of the world. In Bali, Indonesia, I got into a moped accident in my eagerness to be like the author of Eat, Pray, Love….I ended up spending a week in bed. I was alone and my foot felt like it was rotting. I had a hard time showering….

But who was enough for me, Jesus was.

So whatever you are going through, hold on. He is close to your heart. Reach out to the perfect God who loves you. Cry, sing, be vulnerable with Him. He will provide the rest you need.

We often try to control what we think we need in order to feel safe. That can be our income, our living situation, our career, our friendships, our relationships….but truthfully, if you have Jesus, you can be in the worse situation and feel peace. 

It’s definitely worth trying- it’s a “risky” way to live, following Jesus, but you will find out…it’s riskier to rely on the things of this world because there is no peace in it.

So what is God calling you to do? It may just be to trust Him and wait for His timing. It may be to go without knowing where. It may be something else.

A lot of people reply to my stories “omg I would never be able to do that! I would never be able to travel alone and sometimes with no money?!”

Well, I don’t know what to say, but it’s because of Jesus, just Jesus. 

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You Are Not Your Talent- A Message to Creatives

If you have trouble watching the video click here

I thought my dream was to travel the world,

I thought my dream was to set people free,

I thought my dream was to be on TV or to be famous or to own a big house and to drive nice cars,

I thought my dream was to help others achieve their dreams and goals….

and I realized, my dream is to be loved by God and I have already achieved that. 

My true dream is to walk with God everyday of my life…and nothing else truly matters. I get to live out His heart for people. 

Nothing has changed in my circumstances. Right now I sleep on a sofa bed I have to pull out everyday, I’m not on prime time television, I don’t have a big contract with any big companies, I’m not making bank and I don’t have a car even!!!! But I feel MORE ALIVE AND FREE than I have EVER felt in my whole life because GOD. ALL I NEED IS GOD!

A message for creatives
You are not your talent. 
I feel so strongly that many artists have felt a spirit of rejection on them and that they’ve felt like they are failure because they haven’t made it.
I have a message that will set you free.
This is my reflection after watching “Loving Vincent”.
Watch this video and feel free to share. 

After I made this video I felt like I had come back from another planet and I have been spiritually high ever since that video. I feel like GOD calibrated and breathed into my heart in a new way.

Remember Your Way Into Your Promised Land

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Human beings have such amnesia. 

As I was taking a shower, I heard God say “remember my goodness”.

Remember how I delivered you from that broken heart,

remember how I provided for you in the waiting season,

remember how I kept you safe in your travels, when you were healed of deathly food poisoning.

Stop complaining, remember my goodness. 

Every time God delivered you, did you remember to thank Him or did you start focusing on what ELSE you didn’t have? When God kept you safe and healthy after a trip, did you realize that you could have been hurt but God delivered you from evil?

“Remember my goodness so that you can walk through the unknowns and into your promised land” says the Lord. 

I recently went to China and weird enough, after 3 weeks I forgot what God did for me. He sent me to China with 2 weeks notice, He paid for my trip, He delivered me from evil (this evil was manipulation from a salesperson), he kept me healthy on the trip, and He made sure my mom was safe when we separated on our trip and she went her own way.

Somehow my focus was already on what wasn’t happening next. 

Thank God before He delivers you, thank God before He provides, thank God before the door opens, thank God even when you see no progress, even when your child is still disobedient or hanging out with the wrong people, thank God even when your health seems worse than before, thank God before you find housing, thank God before that bill is paid, thank God before your relationships are restored, thank God before He brings your life partner, thank God before your book is published, thank God before you get that big paycheck, thank God before the door opens, thank God for the little because when you thank GOD for the little, He will multiply it. 

Nothing is impossible for God.

If you believe, share this post so the world can be reminded to live in remembrance of God’s goodness. 

Every negative word out of our mouths taints our hearts and digs our own graves. We can build a NEW and GOOD future by being thankful everyday.

It’s all perspective isn’t it? If you believe we are all connected, then one positive and thankful word, post, encouragement can be a catalyst for goodness in this world.

If we can remember what God has done for us before, we will remember “oh yah GOD is for me and not against me! He loves me and He IS a good Father….and all those other lies that are drifting in your mind will dissipate…like the lies that God has forgotten you or doesn’t care about you….they’re all lies!!!….Remember my goodness says the Lord!”

Share and like this post & don’t forget to subscribe on the right hand side of the blog- XOXO Love BEX

No One Can Be Your Everything

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It sounds unromantic, but it’s realistic. 

Your girlfriend or boyfriend can’t be your everything. Your wife and husband can’t be your everything. Your friends or family can’t be your everything.

Because everything is perfect and no one is perfect. Imperfect people will soon disappoint you if you placed your hopes and dreams on just one person. 

Yesterday I went to a forgiveness class and there was a questionnaire that asked something along the lines of :

“I am angry at_______because of___________” From 1-5 level forgiveness level.

I put down family members and noticed a theme.

Everything stemmed from my absent father. He was physically and emotionally absent for 10 years and even before then my parents were already separated. So I lacked the emotional support of a father and my mother was also very emotionally absent from me. 

So I started looking for that emotional support somewhere else, friends. 

But when they said the wrong thing, set their own boundaries, I couldn’t take it. I lashed out, I disappeared just as my father disappeared from my life. That was the only way I knew how to protect myself. 

I let other people step on me or was NICE to people to get what I wanted- their approval. 

Then God took me into a journey of solitude and seeing myself right.

I needed to make God my sole emotional support and to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I’m not SAYING we don’t need people, because people help us, support us…in the right ways…..

BUT when we are looking for approval from people—-they will surely anger and disappoint you. Approval doesn’t come from people. God has already approved of you. He says “you are enough, you are worthy of love”.

Everyone has bad days. If we look for approval and put unjust burden on them to take care of us when they are incapable of even taking care of themselves—-we become codependent. 

Codependency.

This happens when we make people God. People are not God. People are imperfect.

See yourself right. You’re not perfect. You will disappoint others. You were not put on this earth to please people nor become a God for them. In fact you HURT them by taking their own emotional responsibilities. 

  1. Awareness
  2. Releasing the Past

So last night I had to come to terms with my past. Yes I reconciled with my dad, yes I forgave him and myself…but did that mean everything changed? No. He was still physically and emotionally absent from my life. Things didn’t change. I didn’t magically become close with him nor did I magically have a happy childhood filled with moments where I shared my heart with my dad. 

A moment of grief.

A moment of acceptance.

I said “I accept that this is the reality and I’m accepting it because you God are my everything and I want to share my heart with you”.

Now I can truly let go. I can’t change the past nor can I really change this relationship by myself and it’s okay. It’s okay because God’s got me.

Now I need to be the biggest cheerleader for myself….and it’s taken me years to realize that. As I backpacked through the caves of Malaysia and traversed the jungles of Ecuador, climbing mountains in Taiwan I would hear God whispering to me. I was scared at times, lying awake with no one to talk to with deathly food poisoning, thousands of miles away from home. Yes, I didn’t have much of an emotional support, but there I was – “am I enough for you?” I heard my own soul ask. 

You are enough, you are enough. It’s okay.

There was this theme in my questionnaire- “people didn’t support me in my dreams”.

And I remember all the people who felt utterly alone in their dreams – Abraham, Joseph, etc…and all the tech companies that no one believed in in the beginning. LOL.

Do YOU believe in your dreams? 

Allow others to be themselves. You don’t need everyone to believe in your dreams for you to pursue them. Think of it as a secret in your heart, a baby you are feeding. It is exciting and you may want to share it with the world but sometimes the world is not ready for such a magical thing.

Sometimes you might meet a few rare gems who will stand beside you. Don’t make them your everything. Everyone has their own journey to walk and sometimes it’s through a dark and cold alley. God will walk with you through those alleys. He will never leave you.

 

Too Unique

Yesterday a man asked me how many people read my blog and how it’s not enough to get ad revenue, etc.

I said “I’m not doing it for the money”.

I’ve been writing since I was a little kid so to me writing is like defecating, I need to defecate what I’ve inputted into my system and writing is like defecating my wisdom…if I don’t do it I get clogged or constipated. 

Plus, if you are doing something you don’t want to just for money than you really are selling your soul and not really doing it for the love of it. And also you’re not being authentic. If you are changing what you write about just so more people can read it, just for more likes or follows, then again you’re being inauthentic.

Basically don’t do what you don’t want to in life. 

I woke up last night and suddenly thought about that one time I really wanted to work in Venice. I had to design a bag and create a photoshop/illustrator template of it from plain image.

This is what I came up with. My own print design.

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That was my style back then.

Well, I really wanted to work with cool folks in Venice at a company that designed cosmetic bags, but I didn’t get the job.

I was disappointed and cried. I guess I saw myself riding a bike in Venice and eating hipster food. It seemed like a cool place to be.

When I talked to the woman who referred me she said “you should have consulted with me so that I could tell you to tone down your style and not be so unique“. The woman who worked in the company basically said “I was too unique”. The style is too bold. 

I thought about it, well I wouldn’t change one thing about it. Just to get a job? Change who I am? No.

And now I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t get the job because I don’t think I could have lived in Venice because I would have missed my Chinese food too much and the commute back to Asian Valley is too far and too traffic filled.

But that just wasn’t where God intended for me to be. Which leads me to a unique question- can you follow your heart and God’s will at the same time? The man at Dunkin Donuts asked me that yesterday, or actually he presumed you could not and that I don’t write like someone who believes in God.

I pondered upon this question.

Yes, I do believe every desire originates from the heart of who God is. However, like a little toddler, she may want to drive a car but is not ready for it. You can’t run if you don’t walk yet and that is why I believe sometimes we don’t get what we want at the time, but eventually it will come to pass.

All desires are innately from God.

Even though I may be too unique for some people, I realize that being myself fuels my soul and being. In the past when I tried to compromise who I was, I felt miserable. When I forced myself to do things I didn’t want to, I felt like shit. 

And people who are too unique and stay too unique will get rejected repeatedly. It’s the story of my 29 years. It may take us longer to make “societal progress” but in the end, when we do thrive, we thrive by being who we are, not who we pretend to be.

I hope you are too unique for some people or some companies. That means you are being authentic. Don’t ever compromise yourself to become bland and boring for the sake of the herd. 

PS- during that time in college, I ended up designing halloween costumes and it was perfect because all I had to do was illustrate them at home and bring them to the company. I got to do what I was good at. The perfect opportunities are out there for you when you stop compromising and stop doing what you hate. 

The Value of Trying

Today I met with a publicist. She was incredibly nice and kind- unlike the many people I have met in LA. She offered me advice on putting together a media kit and showing companies my numbers on social media and blog.

To be honest, I was pretty overwhelmed. Because I’ve done all that before. I’ve put together media kits before. I’ve tried to show people my value….but at the end of the day, if people really truly know WHO I AM, I wouldn’t have to try so hard. Because I know what I have to offer- me. 

Not the numbers, not the views.

Me. The authentic, the imperfect, the enough me. 

Instead of being gripped by fear, I did approach some of the past opportunities that I felt like “it wasn’t the right time” to pursue last year….and even though I knew the “numbers” weren’t there. Yes, I don’t have 80,000 followers on instagram. I have over 1,200.

So I got no’s. 

But I felt relieved. 

I felt like “you know what. I actually don’t want to go down this path”.

Because I know what I have to offer is greater than numbers, followers, views.

It’s about authenticity.

I write and live out authenticity. 

I am not better or less than. 

I am who I am and I want to write about the imperfect, complicated and simple life that I have. I want to write about how I get rejected, how I get no’s, how even though my numbers and qualifications don’t add up, God’s grace is enough for me. 

And so if God’s grace doesn’t open that door for me, I know God’s grace isn’t on it. 

I want to write about the fear that is so real and makes my arms numb, about the belly fat that I sometimes loath, and how I try to do yoga at night but realize I just need to love myself for what I look like now, fully and completely. That NO I can’t get abs in one week.

Self- care.

Self- love.

Self- acceptance.

Take it or leave it. That’s me.

I’m not going to figure out how to get more followers so I can go on a press trip, because I’m more than that.

I write to change lives, to tell people, it’s okay to be authentic and imperfect…to speak your mind, to speak the truth, to be politically incorrect, to be insecure, to make mistakes. 

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I’m going to keep doing what I love and what I’m good at.

I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole of trying to be good at something I don’t like doing.

Trying and getting a “no” is better than not trying and living in fear.
Because when you get a “no” or a rejection letter, you feel relieved.

You know you can move on and no longer have to be thinking about it. You know something more SUITABLE is ahead for you.

It’s like closing a chapter and knowing that another is coming.

What doors are you leaving open that needs to be closed?

Sometimes those new doors won’t open until you say NO firmly to the last door.
If you claim it’s a new season, why are you still flirting with the past. If you claim you don’t want to, why do you keep doing it. Do your words mean anything if you don’t stick to your own intention?
Half ass intentions leads to half ass results.

Let your no be no. Let your yes be yes. And last of all, say absolutely YES to yourself.

This is me. All of me. I believe that if it’s meant to be, God will open the door. It doesn’t mean you just wait on your ass for manna to fall down from heaven…you still try, but you try knowing that rejection is just an open door to the next good thing.

Let the spirit lead. Everything has already been completed.

The Language of No

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I had a dream where I was going to Japan and then I couldn’t find my passport or was paranoid that I didn’t bring it because I had to leave my house really quickly. The trip was a planned tour so we were rushed and didn’t even have time for the bathroom. I started yelling, I need to use the bathroom! Cut scene. Next scene, there is a creepy man who is hitting on me and I’m very uncomfortable.

The language of no. Why does that relate to anything. Well, I realize whenever I dream of Japan, it usually relates to “politeness” or the culture of politeness. Japan is probably the most polite culture on earth, I remember feeling a bit suffocated. I loved the people, I love the cute things, but I was NOT big on “don’t talk on the subway”. NOT big on polite culture. I’m not big on it because I used to live “polite culture”.

I lived “fake smile” culture…again especially at church. For some reason, no one seemed to notice that I was actually very depressed. No one knew the turmoil I was actually facing at home.

And then when I actually decided to say no to the elders of the church I was excommunicated with “you should be a better leader”. 

Sometimes we need drastic overstepping of boundaries to learn that we need to set boundaries.

Sometimes that means a really creepy guy breathing in your face and saying your pretty and you slapping the shit out of him, sometimes it’s your mother guilt tripping you to the point you explode, sometimes it’s your boss abusing his power so that you lose it and quit your job. 

Here’s a real story:

I was on an airplane flying home from Europe or Asia, there was a man on my left and within the first hour I knew there was a problem. ARM REST PROBLEM. 

He kept shifting his arm and ebbing mine out. So I had to push his. This probably went on for….well 11 hours. I’m not kidding. Okay yah I slept and all but this went on for a long time. During the 11 hours, he (and I) were so PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE that he decided to drink his way home. He probably ordered over a hundred dollar or more of alcoholic drinks and shots.

He got sloppy drunk, it was gross. His face was red and as he was talking to his friend on his left, he started spitting everywhere, just saliva all over the seat, in the air, in my face, everywhere. 

In my NOT knowing how to just ask for what I needed, I withstood this. I thought “okay I am learning perseverance, I am learning longsuffering”. 

It finally got SO explosively bad that he yelled “WHICH SIDE OF THE ARM REST DO YOU WANT?” and I started saying shit I don’t even remember.

The flight attendant came quickly and asked what was going on. I explained and she said “do you want to move?” YES I EXCLAIMED. The guy was still asking “just tell me which side you want and we can work this out”. No.

NO.

No. No. No. No. I was like a dynamite ready to explode. I finally moved.

And guess what? I had an empty seat next to me and a like-minded friend who I talked to for the rest of the 2 hours. I COULD HAVE HAD THAT COMFORT AND FRIENDSHIP FOR THE LAST 11 HOURS IF I HAD SPOKEN UP instead of thinking “I’m learning patience”. 

Maybe God isn’t teaching you patience, but The LANGUAGE OF NO. 

Because if we learn to confront what we don’t want, we can actually get to the other side of yes…of what we do want. Why do we negotiate with the things we don’t want in our lives? Why do we partner with it, why do we accommodate them?

If your boyfriend is really so bad, why don’t you break up with him? If you job sucks that much, why don’t you quit? If your mother keeps stepping over your boundaries, why don’t you say something?

Don’t get me wrong. You might not have a lot of friends for awhile, you might need to break up with a few associates, you might be lonely for awhile, you may have moments where you doubt why you said no to that opportunity and why everyone seems to be thriving and you are still waiting for the right type of opportunity.

This is just part of knowing and growing in your worth. Same goes with dating. You don’t just date anyone you see on the street right? Why go to bed with every opportunity that has a $ sign on it? Know your worth and you will attract the right level of genius, love, hope, people peace and opportunity into your life. 

But first, you must learn to say NO to the wrong things that does not resonate with you.

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