I want a guy who asks me how my day was? What my hopes and dreams are? How am I feeling?
A man, not a boy. A man who cares about me, not just his ego. A man who wants to take care of me, make me feel loved. He is not egotistical, self-centered. He is able to be vulnerable and emotional. He is in touch with his emotions and know what he is feeling. He can feel his heart.
“How are you doing?” not just “what did you eat for dinner?”
And he listens, not just talks.
So many guys talk, they go on long monologues about things I’m not interested in. I want a guy to say “I love you, and you’re the only one I want to be with”. I’m the only love interest in his life, not another girl, another pretty face.
He sees my value and my worth. He sees that I am more than anything he owns on this earth, more than gold or dollar signs.
He is willing to die for me and show that he cares, by listening, by talking, by conversing. He puts emotional connection first, not physical connection. Because without emotional connection, nothing else matters.
I want a man, not a boy. A man is not afraid of tears, he is in touch with his emotions even if he seems weak in peoples’ eyes. His vulnerability is his strength, he is willing to admit when he is sad or angry. He is willing to admit he feels jealous. But he won’t control, he will communicate his fears.
Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that –
You miss someone
You don’t want to seem like a fool but here’s all of your emotions
Be honest and tell someone how you actually feel
Over the last few months God has taught me so much about what I want and how to be honest with people I meet, at any cost. This means that I have told my truth even though it may have hurt someone.
I want to be –
I have met plenty of self- centered men that only like me for my beauty or for how I make them feel.
The truth is – they should be interested in your dreams too, they should support you in what you want to do.
A man who supports your dreams should ask you this-
How can I help?
How do you need to be loved?
How can I make you feel secure?
and they communicate their emotions to you. They don’t run away from confrontation, they meet you half way. They show up.
Prophetic WORD- URGENT, IT’s NOT TIME TO QUESTION GOD, IT’S TIME TO ACT IN FAITH. THERE IS ACCELERATION FOR THOSE WHO OBEY AND MOVE/OBEY WITHOUT DOUBT.
There is a BREAKTHROUGH for those who are WILLING TO ACT UPON WHAT GOD IS SAYING AT ALL TIMES. Sure God will never condemn you for NOT OBEYING but the reason HE TELLS YOU TO DO SOMETHING is because the enemy has launched an assault of FEAR, FEAR OF LACK, CONDEMNATION AGAINST YOU so that you will stay small, so you would LIVE IN FEAR.
GOD HAS GIVEN YOU INSTRUCTIONS BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO BREAK OUT OF FEAR, these ACTIONS will ACTUALLY CATAPULT YOU FORWARD.
Last night I had a dream and I was going somewhere but I kept thinking is this wrong or right? But I finally GOT THERE because I PUSHED THROUGH and OBEYED.
And I realize it was a spirit of condemnation and FEAR. Yesterday a lady GAVE and she told me the LORD had told her to give several times but she had excuses. THE LORD did not ASK HER TO GIVE TO TORTURE HER, the LORD ACTUALLY HAS A BREAKTHROUGH OUT OF FEAR (FEAR OF LACK) for her.
THE ENEMY HAS LAUNCHED AN ASSAULT TO KILL YOUR BREAKTHROUGH AND DESTINY by SELF- DOUBT, PLAYING SMALL, DOING WHAT FEELS SAFE.
WHY? The Lord KEPT ASKING ME TO ASK PEOPLE FOR DONATIONS AS I KEPT HEARING NO’S or was being ignored. I TOLD GOD I WAS REALLY TIRED of asking and HE SAID DON’T GIVE UP.
He showed me that THERE IS A BONDAGE OF FEAR right now and I am not to give into it. There was also a spirit of condemnation to make me feel like I did something wrong. And I thought, maybe I should just “rest” and let GOD do IT.
But HE SHOWED ME “THAT IS FEAR SPEAKING”.
YOU WILL NEED TO PUSH THROUGH THE FEAR. Whatever fear it is right now, THERE IS AN ACCELERATION RIGHT NOW INTO WHAT GOD HAS CALLED YOU TO if you are WILLING TO ACT ON WHAT HE IS SAYING and to FOLLOW YOUR HEART.
(to not use your head, logic, or “right” or “wrong” which is a spirit of legalism).
YES HE WILL QUADRUPLE your ACTS OF FAITH RIGHT NOW.
BECAUSE WE ARE LAUNCHING INTO 2020 FIERCELY. The enemy has been trying everything TO MAKE ME BACK DOWN.
The LORD TOLD ME TO WRITE MY TESTIMONY and to ASK PEOPLE FOR DONATIONS, but I STARTED TO FEEL FEAR as PEOPLE KEPT SAYING NO and IT WAS going REALLY slow.
THE ENEMY STOLE MY PHONE, it a spirit of lack attacking me.
WHENEVER THERE IS DRYNESS, there is BREAKTHROUGH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF NOT GIVING UP.
So if FEAR KEEPS TELLING YOU not to do something, you feel it in YOUR HEART, it’s PROBABLY GOD SAYING “DO IT!”
The enemy keeps trying to put me in a corner because He knows giving will cause people to have breakthrough in their lives. TODAY IS THE DAY TO GIVE IF YOU FEEL THE LORD SPEAKING. I AM NOT MANIPULATING YOU (some of you have said, I am a prophet and I hear the Lord speaking about PUSHING THROUGH DOUBT).
Many of you have been afraid to let go of the things God has told you to let go of because OF FEAR, that is a spirit of LACK.
Many of you have been doing the “right” thing but it’s NOT THE GOD THING.
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO SIT BACK and LIVE IN COMFORT, GOD IS CALLING HIS PEOPLE TO PUSH as the baby is CROWNING. THERE IS ACCELERATION HAPPENING IN THE SPIRIT RIGHT NOW.
People have told me they feel like the church is a business, they just ask for money. The enemy wants people to think that they are being robbed but the enemy KNOWS THERE IS BREAKTHROUGH IN GIVING SO HE PUTS LIES IN PEOPLES’ HEADS SO THEY KEEP LIVING IN A MENTALITY AND SPIRIT OF LACK…VERSUS THE SPIRIT OF ABUNDANCE WHICH IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!
THIS IS ABUNDANCE- NOT GIVING UP, NOT BACKING DOWN. ABUNDANCE IS YOUR IDENTITY. ABUNDANCE IS BEING A CHILD OF GOD. Abundance is knowing the Lord is your shepherd, not mammon. The enemy keeps you small and in fear when you rely on what you have, versus what God said. Live in FAITH, not by sight.
Many of YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE LITTLE YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LOOKING FORWARD TO WHAT GOD SAID. The enemy knows that if you just stay in the comfort zone of what you have, and thinking that’s it, you will never walk forward.
BECAUSE TO POSSESS WHAT GOD HAS TOLD YOU, YOU NEED TO WALK IN FAITH. I did not start a ministry with all the money I needed to accomplish what He told me. I only went one step at a time (sometimes one day at a time). I had no money saved. God gave me the instructions I needed to attain the PROVISION so I could reach the lost sheep and people for Him. Sometimes it did come anonymously but I had to LEARN TO ASK. I also GAVE when I felt led.
ASKING IS A STEP OF FAITH and the FEAR will HIT YOU.
People’s judgement DID HIT ME.
BUT it was the enemy trying to make me BACK DOWN. BECAUSE HE KNEW I WAS TAKING TERRITORY, lives were BEING SET FREE AND PEOPLE WERE COMING TO JESUS. If HE COULD ROB ME of the finances I needed to continue, I’d give up or be fearful of continuing. He has tried REALLY HARD. In fact, most of the persecution I’ve received from people were about fundraising.
God told me it is because HE IS EXPOSING people’s hearts. He is also removing the shame and lies the enemy has spoken to people.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE? THE TYPE THAT GIVES INTO FEAR OR THAT SAYS “GOD YOU SAID!” and I BELIEVE.
DOUBT WILL KILL YOUR DREAMS RIGHT NOW. Yesterday I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go dance, I drove and kept getting off the freeway. I was asking “what should I do?” instead of just doing it. I felt doubt because last time my phone got stolen. It was fear speaking. In addition, because of that my mother started worrying that
BUT that’s exactly what the enemy wants, for me to HAVE A FEAR OF LACK, that I will lose something again. THERE IS BREAKTHROUGH RIGHT NOW IN CONTINUOUS ACTS OF FAITH. The enemy is TRYING TO ABORT the baby that is coming out. It’s half way out but YOU HAVE TO PUSH.
Don’t STAY IN THE SLUMBER OF THE ENEMY. Many people are not hoping and trusting in God, but what they have. They are making plans according to their budget. But if you want to launch into God’s plans, YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF CONTROL (finances, plans, people, etc) AND BELIEVE GOD.
I had another dream where I was changing bathing suits but the suit was confusing so it took me forever. The swimming pool was closing, so I had to hurry. Some guy saved me as the POOL was extremely wavy.
YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE ABUNDANT RIGHT NOW.
Don’t let the fear prevent you from your launching in acceleration.
IF GOD HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU TO GIVE, TO DO SOMETHING, PLEASE DO NOT WAVER RIGHT NOW. HE SAID THAT FEAR OF LACK will ATTRACT LACK, but if you act upon what God is saying, it will BREAK OFF THE FEAR.
Give – “Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account” Philippians 4:17
Prophetic Word- IT’s NOT YOUR FAULT, TAKE ON THE BLOOD OF JESUS AND KNOW God DOES NOT SEE SIN IN YOU ANYMORE. THE ENEMY HAS BEEN TRYING HARD TO DISQUALIFY YOU THROUGH YOUR WORKS, but Jesus does not see any sin in you anymore.
WHY? NOW, the ENEMY IS WORKING OVER TIME TO PUSH YOU BACK INTO EGYPT SO YOU WOULD FEEL CONDEMNED AND ASHAMED AND NOT ENOUGH TO GO INTO THE PROMISED LAND.
Im going forward into my promised land (my dreams and ministry in hollywood). It is already mine but there was a lot of pushback. Someone hit my mom’s car while i was parked, someone stole my phone a week ago.
These events tried to put guilt and blame in my heart so that id stop going out and live in fear. My mother started guilt tripping me and telling me she couldnt sleep or was worried about me. What if, shed say.
Yesterday i felt the Lord tell me to go out late night but i felt the struggle of guilt and false responsibility for my mom. I didn’t end up going.
I asked God to rid my heart if false guilt. This morning I spoke honestly and asked her to not speak death over my dreams.
I layed down my dreams to pastor lost sheep and God is giving it back to me but it has come with a lot of resistance as i grow the ministry and take more spiritual territory, in reaching lost sheep in hollywood.
Yesterday i met a young chinese woman in the sauna. I asked if she was chinese or korean. She told me everyone she meets is christian for some reason.
She said a lot of the rules in church stop her from wanting to believe in jesus and i explained grace to her.
I said your shoulder hurts? Cuz mine started hurting…..and i just heard the lord say “its not your fault” and i could feel my heart pang.
I said when you believe jesus you believe he took every fault on the cross so you no longer have to bear it. Then i told her how someone stole my phone and i blamed myself while my mother also blamed me.
She said she also broke her laptop a month ago and blamed herself. I said God will replace it..and not to put responsibility on her shoulder but to cast it on God.
She felt that if she knew clearly whose fault it is in different situations in life she wouldnt have to bear the burden and responsibility as she was literally and physically suffering for it.
I told her how when you believe in jesus you know He took on everyone’s fault and deficiency on the cross so you don’t have to bear it or punish yourself for it.
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Today was quite crazy as usual. Another day where I thought maybe I’ll lay in bed and actually rest. But I kept thinking of the korean spa I wanted to go to yesterday. I’ve been a bit jet lag, but anyhow the Lord woke me up at 4am and He said to start my coaching business again.
The Lord has been breaking me free from thinking point A to point B. Like in Taiwan when I was taking the train back to Shuangxi and suddenly He told me to get off the train and go back to Taipei. After getting off a few buses, simply following my gut on where to go (not searching for hotels or hostels), I got off across a train station and saw a lady making dessert. Well, I asked her if she knew anyone who was renting a room and she did! Anyways, that night the Lord had me meet two strangers who I then shared an uber with, then ended up at a nightclub, met a guy in line and then went with him to meet his friends, two of which were Jewish. God’s ways are not man’s ways.
When God speaks, you move.
Don’t use your logic. Your logic will slow you down and it will make you REALLY tired and lethargic (because it’s rooted in fear).
THIS MONTH! DON’T LIMIT GOD! He is taking the caps off! If you haven’t read the last blog post please do!
I realize that in coming back to LA for 2 weeks, I felt a bit disjointed. I felt like I was a bit tired of ministering on the road and doing things I didn’t like….like I had given up a lot of passions and interests such as music, drawing, teaching, fashion, dancing.
But the Lord has been showing me He has always given me those interests and desires as a way to connect with people, that I didn’t have to give them up. He will use those for His glory.
Because when He told me to sell everything and follow Him, He had closed all the doors to my career and I felt that He was saying I couldn’t pursue them.
Which was kind of true for the last year and a half because He had me going to YMCA’s and hostels and places I WOULD NEVER WANT TO SLEEP in to reach those who needed Jesus. In New Zealand I stayed at a YWCA where I had to tell the guy next door to quiet down his tv like everyday. But I got to pray over him and tell him that God was telling him to go to Germany to see his daughter. Things like that would happen all the time. Then I walked downstairs that night and ended up meeting a fellow Kiwi native that had to be delivered of evil spirits. Things like that.
But I didn’t GO where I would normally WANT TO STAY. You know? One hostel had club music until 4 am in the morning. Another in Australia had club music until 2am just below the hostel. But I went there to find lost sheep and go to the people God wanted me to reach. Everything was pre-appointed.
This month I hear the Lord say-
“Don’t limit me. Don’t limit me to just one career, one city, one place, one house, one friend. I can tell you to do anything and if you’re willing, you’d live a beautiful artful life full of possibilities”.
One day you may have the desire to go to a korean spa, another day He may lead you to an unknown area you’ve never been to. You’ll discover places and people.
Maybe one day you’ll be working on a cruise, another day working at Starbucks, another day simply getting fed by the Lord, another day going to Walmart. Maybe He will tell you to book a flight to Mexico one day and you’ll backpack down South America. Maybe one day you’re sipping coffee in Israel or you’re prophesying over a stranger on the bus. I’ve done most of that, anything is possible.
So don’t limit Him.
If He calls you to do something you don’t normally like, He has a purpose for it. Maybe it’s to meet that father who will speak healing into your soul. Maybe it’s to meet a mother figure that will affirm you and hug you causing you to cry. His ways are not our ways. He will show you a dress you like and show you what kind of style you like again. He will lead you to a deal you couldn’t have found yourself.
And Yes in following your desires….you will meet the man/woman of your dreams.
Sometimes we try so hard to find that soul mate when God is telling you- just follow your heart and in doing so, you are following the “string” God has laid out to lead both of you to each other.
Maybe the reason you haven’t met him/her is because you’ve been searching for him/her and not following your heart in your life”.
You’ve been searching for the man/woman and not enjoying your life the way GOD intended you to enjoy it.
No one is attracted to someone who is desperate to find someone! People are attracted to partners who are enjoying their life and totally in love with the life they’re living.
You know those movies where this girl goes traveling solo and she meets a handsome man at a club or while sitting there sipping wine? Exactly.
She’s not desperate, she’s content being alone. She is enjoying her life. That’s when you usually find your life partner.
When I first quit my full time job I didn’t know I’d one day do ministry. I never thought I’d end up in a reality show, I never thought I’d do the many things I’ve done but I was always led to it. But the biggest thing is I wasn’t afraid to fail. Because I didn’t have much to begin with so what is there to lose. God wants us to live in freedom and not be afraid to try. I’ve done a lot of things I never thought I’d do -like dance at Moulin Rouge. What?
Or be on an arranged marriage show?
But see, those were probably the coolest experiences of my life. Or meeting the thousands of people I have all over the world. Sure, the following Jesus part on the road has had a LOT of hardships and challenges but it’s taught me to surrender in a way I’ve known how.
Don’t be afraid of failure, think of every experience as you being led to the next, think of your life as a very rich and fulfilling life (movie). Life is about trusting God, not about perfection. Life is about knowing who you are in Christ, a son and daughter of God that CANNOT be punished for doing wrong. That no matter what you do, you are a delight to Jesus. It makes life fun doesn’t it?
TODAY GOD IS BREAKING OFF FEAR IN A BIG WAY.
1. Life is not about making perfect decisions but knowing who you are in Christ no matter what life looks like, that you cannot be punished for doing wrong because Jesus was already punished on the cross for you. No matter what you decide, God only sees perfection in you.
2. That means you are free to choose and explore life. And if you don’t like what you’re doing, change course at any minute. You don’t have to be stuck with the decisions you made.
I met this group of youth because I followed my desire to drink boba.
Two of the first people I ever prayed and prophesied over was in Korea at a hostel in Busan. They are Indians from Delhi. It was a year later that I went to India. God’s ways are not our ways 🙂
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For the director of music. A psalm of David. A song.
1 Praise awaits[b] you, our God, in Zion; to you our vows will be fulfilled. 2 You who answer prayer, to you all people will come. 3 When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave[c] our transgressions. 4 Blessed are those you choose and bring near to live in your courts! We are filled with the good things of your house, of your holy temple.
5 You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds, God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas, 6 who formed the mountains by your power, having armed yourself with strength, 7 who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations. 8 The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy.
9 You care for the land and water it; you enrich it abundantly. The streams of God are filled with water to provide the people with grain, for so you have ordained it.[d] 10 You drench its furrows and level its ridges; you soften it with showers and bless its crops. 11 You crown the year with your bounty, and your carts overflow with abundance. 12 The grasslands of the wilderness overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness. 13 The meadows are covered with flocks and the valleys are mantled with grain; they shout for joy and sing.
Living Against Cultural Norms 11/25/2018, 9th day in Shanghai China, 4 months overseas, written in the middle of the night on my notebook.
I’ve gone through more challenges than I would care to experience following Jesus and ministering to people in different countries. It’s easy to hide behind a computer but when you are interacting and living with people on a daily basis you’ll face many objections and challenges.
For one, sexism.
Another, the spirit of intimidation and control (witchcraft).
There were times I had to ask people to put their phones on silent mode in the dorm rooms. In a 8 bed dorm room you’ll encounter plenty of people.
When I asked this guy to silence his phone as all kinds of sounds were coming from his phone (BTW the first night I got woken up by someone watching porn on their phone, no headphones), he ignored me and pretended I didn’t exist.
He finally got off his bed, which is the top bunk above mine.
When I confronted him, he looked away and pretended I didn’t exist.
Then he stared at me and said “are you crazy? Why are you staring at me?”
I was speechless.
This kind of person exists in this world?
When I told other chinese people about it they said I should just ignore it. They ignore many things. To them it’s part of life- longsuffering.
I believe God calls us to forgive and love our enemies, but He doesn’t call us to be silent.
In fact, a prophet is supposed to speak in the face of opposition, persecution and intimidation.
This week I also showed my past TV appearance videos to some people. They were shocked as I was “skinnier” and “prettier” back then, they said.
I said “I didn’t know who I was back then, I felt that I needed to put on makeup but now I don’t feel the need to put on a “face” for anyone.
But those words still affected me and I had to climb out of the “feeling of not being enough” hole. The truth is I didn’t each much back then out of the fear of lack and the fear of gaining weight. When moments like that occur I have to look at Jesus and reaffirm “I am enough in Christ Jesus”.
I had a dream last night I hadn’t changed water in a tank for 3 weeks and the fishes were in a really thick shampooed filled liquid.
I had another dream a woman pastor layed her hands on my head and I started sobbing. When I woke up I could hear myself crying.
The process of loving others is not easy. I find myself angry and hurt at times, laughing at other times.
I share my testimonies and of God’s grace to people who aren’t perfect- like me.
People who are scared of intimacy, vulnerability, letting anotone into their hearts, people who carry a spirit of lack and don’t feel like they are enough, people who feel guilt and shame and sometimes have no capacity to give me any love because they haven’t embraced God’s love.
Even though I experience joy in these friendships， I’m ultimately still a pastor, minister, prophet.
Its not a 2 way street. I may be sharing intimate parts of my heart but I am never to look for belonging or acceptance from people I minister to because my home is God, no one else.
Perhaps the joy I felt caused me to think that I’ve found new friends, but close friends are people who can actually level up with you.
God will humble you and cause your heart to be enlarged, but your heart will also have to process continual rejection and persecution.
Most of the time people don’t understand me but my job is to share what is on God’s heart and know my belonging is in God.
Being a pastor to the lost sheep is not easy.
It’s a calling for people who will surrender to their hearts continually to God.
It’s a calling for warriors.
It’s a calling for those who won’t give up in the face of strong opposition.
“But I tell you the truth, no prophet is accepted in his own hometown.”- Luke 4:24
I don’t wish that anyone be called by God to be a prophet, pastor, evangelists. What you see in America is not what being called actually looks like, most people don’t tell you what the process looks like to be called.
The biggest struggle I’ve had to go through is being rejected, by everyone. The biggest lesson I learned in being rejected is that “I am worthy, I am enough”.
I’m going to tell you what it actually looks like to be called. Growing up in a conservative church, people didn’t really believe me when I told them that “God told me”. I had a ear for God early on, but didn’t know it was being spirit filled.
I listened and will follow Him where He was leading. I got booted out essentially by the conservatives. Later on I tried to pursue success in the world and failed miserably as God closed all the doors. He said “You are a pastor to the lost sheep”.
Now He also called me after my failed attempt to be successful in the world to “sell everything and follow Him”. I proceeded to returned my leased car, my apartment that I was already two months behind in rent, and I basically did everything that a model citizen wouldn’t do.
After years of being “independent” I moved back home with my mom. I felt like I was losing everything I built my life on. I lost my career, my laptop crashed, I didn’t have a sim card for 3 years.
The accusations got louder and louder- “what are you doing with your life? You are almost 30. Stop wasting your life. Get a real job”.
Well, God told me very specifically to rest and to follow His voice. So there I was praying for people on buses and on the streets. I didn’t know that my life would essentially look like that NOW but I am praying for so many more people on a daily basis.
You see, I looked like I was living an irresponsible life but I was setting people free from fear and bondage, I was healing backaches and speaking identity into orphaned hearted people. But that didn’t seem to matter to my mom.
But in those 2 years God restored more of our relationship.
So I lost everything but I gained the Lord. Jesus.
All my vices suddenly disappeared as the Lord started healing everything wounded in me. I stopped wanting to drink whereas in my early twenties I often found myself drowning my pain in alcohol or going out with people.
Now people offer me alcohol and I just don’t want it. It’s not because of self-discipline but because God has took away any desire so that I can be sober minded.
It says to be vigilant for the enemy is always prowling to attack, this is true. I let my spiritual guard down when I am drunk. But now I am drunk with the SPIRIT of GOD. And it is INCREDIBLE.
In 2014 I also broke up with my ex and I stopped dating. Suddenly I didn’t need attention from men anymore. THAT WOUND HEALED. The Lord did it. You see even if a nice looking guy shows up I can read his mind and his spirit!
So what did the process look like? LOTS of tears and rejection. Being rejected by your own relatives, friends, being judged about your life. Traveling to places and sometimes not knowing what I would eat or if I had money to eat, being laughed at when I get in front of a stranger in front of a big crowd of people, being ridiculed.
YES, people say “no” all the time when I ask to pray for them. Yes, people laugh at me.
When I tell people I’m a prophet, some laugh. Some people who don’t believe in Jesus laugh and ridicule me. Some people think I’m saying it to be boastful and they attack me.
But you know what I say “I don’t wish it upon anyone because the cost has been great”.
Now more than ever what I pray over people is this “you are enough in Christ Jesus, there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. You are righteous by grace and not by works”. This SETS PEOPLE FREE because they are no longer under judgement, but FREEDOM.
I had to go through all that to know what IDENTITY MEANS.
The crazy thing is that the farther I went from Los Angeles, the more I was actually honored as a prophet and as a human being. Above is a picture of my brother in Christ. I have received such encouragement from people I have met here, in Japan and in Korea. Though I was once dishonored and rejected, God is restoring honor to me.
As I walk through this season of being with my mom, I am challenged with my ego, pride and hubris and am releasing the defensive mechanism I had for most of my life.
This defensive mechanism came from my need to protect my ego. To protect my core.
Her criticisms often made me feel unloved and not enough, never good enough.
As I grew in my spirituality I started to release old mentalities and thought patterns. I released things, attachment to the material world, the need to control…but as I spend time with her, I am reminded again of the not good enough monster. In addition, in my opened eyes of seeing her inability to release things like a table from 25-30 years ago, I am noticing why she is stuck.
But I also am challenged to love in a greater way, to love from a place of- I accept and love you as you are, not when you release these old wounds, but just as you are. I accept you even in your inability to love yourself or to see that not releasing past wounds hurts you.
Today after I washed my hair, my mom kept doting “dry your hair, dry your hair”. It really didn’t matter to me, I usually air dry it. But I replied after 30 minutes “okay I’m drying my hair because I love you”.
Perhaps that was my first training for my future marriage…something might not matter to me, but if it matters to someone you love, you may just do it out of love.
And instead of incurring more annoyance, I did it out of love for her, even though I could care less if my hair is dried.
So I suppose I am maturing. I used to blame her for many things, but now I’m learning that I must overcome the annoyances within me until her words becomes only a reflection of her own spirit, not mine. And in effect, I can love her just as she is, and allow that love to change her.
All is well in our deepest longings, truth, meaningless, presents.
We seek what escapes us, what is momentary, status, symbols, reputation, what others think of us, it is all in vain. All of it is in vain if we do not have a strong anchor to who we really are.
When we leave all that we know, our culture, our people, our family even, we realize that happiness derives from within, from embracing the moments. And if not now, then when? Should we wait until we have it all together, until society deems our present situation redeemable? Until our community thinks we have made it? Until stability seems steady, sturdy? Until we have succeeded to climb up higher into the darkness of corporations and societal success? Until when will we let go and escape, find what we really want in life?
Some of us will never question what and why.
We will never escape into the woods, turn off electricity or connectedness to find our true connectivity. What keeps us alive, what fuels us, it’s definitely not looking at a celebrity (Renee Zellweger) who had plastic surgery. We are so concerned about what the celebrities are doing, we don’t look deeper. Isn’t it time that we question why depression and a sense of depravity has clouded our communities? Instead of judging people for changing their outer appearance, isn’t it time we have compassion on them or perhaps ask ourselves the same questions?
Why is it that people are killing themselves due to depression and why is it that people feel like they have to change themselves to please the judgements of our communities?
And hasn’t it worsened, because they tried to change their faces, they have been judged even MORE.
I have one word for our society, fucked up. And I beckon that we look within ourselves to see what’s growing there.
Please, look at our own hearts, our own words, the condition of our own soul.
So on a more prose note, OMG, I thought that Reneee had died by the facebook feeds. Seriously, turns out she just had plastic surgery. It was grotesque to read what people were writing about her while I’m here in Czech.
Letting go is not easy, but letting go, can be fun, can be freeing.
3. Sell everything I don’t need – I have already sold 3/4 of what I have
4. Publish my ebook or emanual- passive income
5. Get my scuba diving license
6. Listen to my heart
7. Get an acting agent and book a BIG BIG BIG international commercial
8. Be happy
9. Dance more
Even as an entrepreneur, people have expectations for you. You start to follow other entrepreneurs or speakers and think to yourself, “I have got to own an island like Richard Branson” and then I’ll feel like I’ve made it.
What’s in your heart? What aches? What truly makes you alive? Don’t copy others, create your best version of yourself. What makes you come alive?