It’s like you’re constantly wanting to go somewhere else- he said.

I had a dream that I woke up and my mom and aunt were eating in the house. I ate a big piece of fish with quinoa in it. My friend got a Tesla and was moving to goldengate but it was in the middle of nowhere. I told my brother that even though he was very rich, he had to deal with properties getting looted. Even though I was eating in a small studio with my family, with the windows open, I felt content.

I woke up feeling a sense of calm and peace.

I guess this whole year has felt like a struggle since God continued to break open my heart. He kept telling me to tell people how I feel. I kept crying. Everyday almost. He would tell me to tell people how I felt, the walls would come down on a daily basis. Even though I wanted to shut down at times and no longer open my heart, I would choose to trust him. 

Some days God would tell me to go to San Diego. San Diego was the relief I needed for my heart. I would meet some divine appointments, look at the ocean and feel my heart quiet down. 

I was dating, going on dates, meeting one guy and liking him….but then be disappointed.

He’s not the one. Again, broken hearted. But somehow God used all that to heal me. It sounds strange. Why? 

Don’t be afraid to feel your emotions, He’d say. 

I was deathly afraid of heart break after my ex. 

I told God I would never fall into another relationship if it wasn’t my husband.

But He had me confront the fear of failure (a relationship failing), a fear of love (feeling the pain of love), a fear of rejection. 

He’d say “don’t be afraid to fail”.

“Follow your heart”- no matter if he is your husband or not. If you like someone express that to them without fear.

I didn’t understand it because my mentality was “what is the point of telling someone how I feel if I’m just going to be disappointed?”

“What is the point of trying if they won’t reciprocate?”

I would go on these dates, and most of these guys were lost sheep so it was also semi ministry…but some of them, like yesterday’s ended with the guy trying to touch my boob and saying that he wanted to worship my vagina. LOL. 

But then somehow the fear in my heart left me, the hardness that I built around my heart because I felt rejected broke off. I just started laughing. He said he wanted to bow to my vagina and lick my pussy. 

He started fake crying because I just wanted to be friends and did not want that interaction. He was very passionate and intense with his words. He also said he wanted to “embrace me in my troubles”, which made me cry.

But alas, also not the one. What he taught me was “go after what you want”, whatever it is, without shame.

I met 2 girls in line after that Hinge date. One said she met her fiance on Hinge and another met a guy there too. I told them about my interaction and they laughed. I was grateful and asked if they were Christian and one said she grew up Christian.

What healed me yesterday was this….

As I was crying and talking to the guy, I felt this heaviness on me. I stood up. We went for a walk.

I said that I no longer needed him, a relationship to be fulfilled. I said that when he didn’t want a relationship, I felt unwanted. I felt that no one loved me. In fact, I heard Satan whisper that into my ears. 

I knew it was a lie. I knew people did love me, but when it came to someone I loved, it was hard not to think that.

I felt unwanted. That was the single factor in my life that prevented me from truly loving a man. My dad left our family when I was 8 and I didn’t see him for 10 years. 

It left a scar in my heart, a deep wound. I became boy crazy.  I was always a daddy’s girl. I loved hugging my dad, but now he was no longer there. I could no longer show physical affection to someone I loved. 

I didn’t really date until I was 21. Had my first bf when I was 15. I decided to wait until marriage to have sex. But 21 was my entry way to sexuality. This guy I dated gave me oral sex. I never felt something that intense, it felt good. I felt loved because my love language is physical touch. But somehow, I also felt used. 23-26 I dated a guy for 2.5 years. I felt like a slave in someway. I wasn’t my own. I lost myself. I still waited to have intercourse.

He said that he liked that I was waiting because somehow I was “his” only.

Someone wanting me felt good, I felt wanted in the moment but after I felt used.

I was grateful that God’s grace compelled me to say no to actual intercourse.

I knew that God wanted to protect my heart. That is why I was waiting until marriage to have sex, not out of legalism or law, but because my heart was deeply connected with God. I have trusted God my whole life and I saw how He healed me of my daddy wounds, led me to 14 countries with little to no money while I prophesied to people who helped me.

Going back to my walk with the guy, I said that I needed to feel wanted and when he rejected me, I felt death. I literally felt like I wanted to die. I felt no love in my heart and felt totally numb. But when he came back to show me brotherly love, I realized that we would always be friends and that was okay with me.

I didn’t need to feel wanted physically. I didn’t need a relationship. That spirit of rejection left me immediately. 

I now realize why getting physical with a guy is so detrimental.

I really just want companionship. I want to feel loved. But the truth is I want to be understood more than anything else. I want quality time with people. I want those moments with a men that is innocent. We went to a boba shop and saw a cute little girl with his dad. They ate ice cream together, it was simple and loving.

In my past experience I often felt like men just wanted my body. I would refuse and of course they would feel rejected.

One guy said that he has never hung out with a girl he was attracted to without sleeping with her at the end. He grew up Mormon but no longer prescribed by the religion. I was really just there as a friend and confidante.

When we no longer need something from someone, and can simply enjoy who they are, it’s settling.

I also met someone who was waiting. He said that he didn’t understand how people could sleep around without having feelings for people.

I told him that he should be proud of himself and not to give into peer pressure.

I realize that I can freely care about someone without this fear that they would think I’m too much. I can freely express love without fear that they would be bothered by me. When the guy said that he didn’t want a relationship, I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to care about him. 

I was afraid to reach out but I realize there is no reason to be afraid.

I freely continued to express love to him.

I no longer needed reciprocation because I was free of needing anything in return. He reciprocated love like a brother, not as a romantic partner. I was no longer afraid of his rejection. I allowed my heart to feel what it felt and freely expressed it without holding back.

He kept telling me that we were just friends, I said I understood, but needed to continue expressing how I felt in freedom.

And somehow it freed me.

I no longer needed romantic love. It was like going back to my youth.

My brother stopped talking to me years ago and it broke my heart. He was my best friend growing up, we talked all the time. I would tell him everything.

Now God was restoring my heart from that loss and bringing men into my life that could care for me like a father or brother. And that needed to be the basis. 

Our hearts want what it wants. But I no longer need you to be fulfilled. I know that you love me as a friend and I’m okay with that. I don’t need to own you to love you. I can love freely now. 

I can love without fear. And strangely that attachment broke off. I no longer NEED a certain type of reciprocation, I can be loved as I am.

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless!