The People Pleaser & The Master Manipulator, Finding Wholeness in a World That Lacks Love

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Today we will talk about two types of people:

  1. The people pleaser- always playing in line with what others want, in fear of judgement, rejection, feelings of shame, and feelings of unworthiness.
  2. Master manipulator- angry at what life didn’t give them, manipulating others to get what they want

Both operate from a spirit of lack.

This post may hit at the target at everything you’ve ever felt in your whole life.

I have been both but for much of my life I was a people pleaser. My mother often “made me” feel guilty or ashamed to be alive. My dad was supposedly cheating on my mother when she was pregnant with me so I often felt like I was paying penance with my life, subjugated to simply do what she wanted me to so that she wouldn’t feel so bad about herself.

I wonder how many of us feel this way? That we aren’t worthy to even be alive.

It wasn’t my fault.

The same spirit that accused and blamed me my whole life, even using my mom’s anger towards herself and her life circumstances accused me this week.

An airbnb owner (who happens to be pregnant) accused me of asking for too much when I asked for a quiet house on several occasions. Apparently the housemate was offended. Here I was thinking that we were all becoming friends when in actuality, they were talking behind my back.

She came home, exploding. She said I was selfish for expecting everyone to cater towards my need. I said “you opened an airbnb business, it was your choice, and I’m simply being honest”.

I knew that this was all the devil trying to accuse me.

I felt guilty when the owner stopped talking to me. When I said hi the other day she didn’t even look at me.

I felt my shoulders tighten.

Then it hit me. My mom does that when she is mad at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence as a way to punish me. I wonder if that’s connected with her blaming me for her pain, her pain of feeling abandoned by my dad, her pain of feeling neglected, unloved.

It’s not my fault though.

Finally, it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. And it’s not your fault, however your parents punish you for their own feelings of unworthiness. 

I kept hearing God say “it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply being honest and speaking up for your needs”. 

The owner’s accusation was a way to make me feel guilty for speaking up and wanting what I wanted.

Perhaps that is why most people stop asking for what they want or need- because they have a fear that people will reject, shame, judge or condemn them for their desires or opinions.

I felt a sense of responsibility to right the wrong- but I didn’t do anything wrong, I was only speaking my mind and truth.

Shame and guilt shuts people up.

Shame causes people to be silent. 

I realized that this wasn’t about me, it was about the owner. She was too stressed, working full time, managing an airbnb (her own house), pregnant.

Was it that I was being selfish or that she just wasn’t loving herself enough?

People who call others selfish usually don’t love themselves enough and aren’t “selfish” enough. They live out of a spirit of lack and often expect others to compensate for the lack of love they feel. 

In actuality, no one is responsible to love you. It’s your responsibility to love yourself first, to allow God to love you and then to speak up for what it is you need and want. Sure, in a relationship, in family, people do love you, but they do it out of what they are capable of doing. Most people don’t have ENOUGH love to give because they don’t realize they are enough in Christ Jesus.

People can only love you to the capacity they love themselves. If they “love” you above what they can give themselves, they are “sacrificing” themselves at the cost of loving you. And there is then a deficit. a shortage. When there is a shortage, people often feel bitter about the love they give you.

In truth, all of what I described is not love at all, it’s actually based out of fear. 

People sacrifice themselves at the cost of loving themselves because they fear that you will essentially LEAVE or reject them if they don’t sacrifice themselves.

But there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear.

So what would it look like to live in love? 

  1. Speaking up for how I actually feel, need and want without fear of judgement or rejection.
  2. There is no need for “sacrifice”, just love.
  3. Sure there may be compromises, but not compromises that are based out of fear.

The owner told me that it is in Malaysian culture to sacrifice to the point that they can’t take it anymore. But when I talked to two male Malaysians, they said “no, I don’t believe that” so I wonder if it’s mostly just with women….this theme of sacrifice.

I don’t need to sacrifice because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.

Sure, I have left everything to follow Jesus to share the love of Christ with people, but in truth, it’s not a sacrifice because I am following my heart and what truly gives me fulfillment. 

My heart is full when I love people, and when I allow others that I meet to love me. But I ultimately go to God.

God does not call us to sacrifice, he says come to me with a broken and contrite heart, this I will not despise. He doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to lay ourselves at His feet at all times. 

I found myself fighting this battle of shame and guilt through words and prayer.

“I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus”. 

We battle with not enough, we battle with feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation- but in Christ, we are enough and we are righteous.

When you know you are enough in Christ Jesus, you’ll love with an open heart, one that is pure and without manipulation, guilt, witchcraft, control or a need to sacrifice.

When we sacrifice, we live out of a belief that there is lack, that somewhere God won’t fill the void if we don’t personally fill it. 

But in Christ, there is no lack. There is only an abundance of love. So if we are not able, say so. Christ is more than enough. God does not need us to be strong. God wants us to be weak and for Him to be strong for us.

Sow a seed- Your giving makes changing lives possible as I minister to and share the gospel of grace to people around the world! There is an ongoing need to fulfill the mandate the Lord has put on my life. Join me as I change and save lives! 

Thank you! 

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Breaking Off The Orphan Mindset

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Since the age of 5 I was often home alone, I learned to kill bees on my own as a kid. I felt alone many times as my mom was often at work and I did not grow up with my dad. But in the many years of learning to be independent I learned to rely on God. I felt that I needed to be financially independent as I didn’t want to be a burden on my single mother.

However, I was living out of an orphan mindset. 

I was trusting God for provision however I was limiting Him by not knowing how to ask for help or believing that I was worthy of it.

There were many times on this trip I had to verbally ask for help. For example, asking to carpool or for a ride from a stranger because I had no sim card or way of getting home. So many times our phones actually become our emotional crutch but on this trip I’ve learned to open my heart. 

Recently I watched a movie called “More Than Blue”, it’s a Taiwanese movie about 2 orphans. One whose parents and family died in a car crash, and another whose mom abandoned him. What happens when 2 orphans come together? Codependency.

Here are symptoms of an orphan mindset:

  1. You feel like you have to rely on yourself (and God) and no one else.
  2. You feel like people cannot be trusted.
  3. You feel like love must be earned, and that people will only love you if you are good to them. This results in you putting on a mask or pretending to be happy all the time.
  4. You suppress and stuff your emotions or how you really feel because you’re scared of rejection and that others will stop liking or loving you because of you telling your truth.
  5. You’re ashamed of asking for help, you don’t believe you are worthy of it.
  6. You believe it’s easier to be alone and as a result you don’t know how to share you heart with people.
  7. You carry severe woundedness and feelings of rejection because of past experiences.
  8. You handle pain on your own, you feel that vulnerability is a sign of weakness.

ONE HUGE SIGN of an orphan mindset is that you CONDITION your behavior around those you are around (your behavior depends on who is around you at any given moment). God wants us to come into an alignment in our being to feel the freedom to be who we are without changing no matter who is around us. Most of us don’t feel safe to be who we really are because most people are not safe to be around (to be honest).

What happens when we find stability in our identity in Christ? And we find people who we can be honest with? Powerful authenticity.

There has been a number of movies recently about orphans, Instant Family for example.

Not to ruin the movie or anything (don’t read it if you’re going to watch it)- but they don’t tell each other how they really feel until the man is about to die. And then they lie and coerce each other to do what they want thinking it’s what will make them happy. For example, the guy says “you should get married to someone nice” when in truth he actually loves her…however because he is about to die he fears that she cannot handle the loneliness. He also does not tell her that he is sick.

In truth, she knows he is sick and is handling the pain on her own (orphan mindset). In the end, she married a guy just to make the man he loves happy, then leaves her husband to be by her lover’s side because she didn’t follow her heart to begin with.

Anyways even though I cried my eyes out, I thought to myself “this is really F#$% up”…how dare she use an innocent guy just to fulfill her lover’s wish.

So then, he dies and then she swallows some pills and kills herself.

While I was crying a bunch, God’s like “that’s not love”. I’m like okay I know, but the world seems to romanticize it. It seems romantic to die by your lover’s side.

In truth, the whole relationship started out with an orphan mindset. They felt abandoned and alone and instead of healing together, they basically became an orphan couple.

The girl could have lived a happy life without him if she had Jesus.

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A child of God Mindset: 

  1. Knows that in your weakness, God is strong. It’s powerful to be vulnerable and say how you really feel. You know that the ones who love you will still love you no matter what you say. 
  2. The Lord is your shepherd, you lack nothing. You are enough in Christ Jesus, you are not lacking. Your worth doesn’t come from what you do for others but who you are in Christ.
  3. You have a healthy understanding of building trust, that it takes time, but that your trust is not in people but in God. You understand that people are imperfect and people make mistakes and you understand that forgiveness is important to go on.
  4. You can ask for what you need or want without feeling guilt about it because you know you are worthy in Christ Jesus.
  5. You know that love is honest, not fake and you’re willing to be honest and show your true self. You understand that you heart is also not to be shared with just anyone. You understand your worth.
  6. You can share your pain with others who can be trusted. You know that it’s okay to share your vulnerabilities because it is the beginning of relationship.
  7. Your stability is in your identity of being a child of God, not in what you do or achieve, but in the unconditional love of Jesus.

It took me a long time to put my guard down and trust people, to learn to ask for help. The first time I asked my mom for help I was sobbing because I felt so ashamed. All my life, I was independent and could do everything on my own but it was the beginning of learning to be a child of God.

You don’t receive what you don’t believe you deserve. You receive in life what you believe you deserve. 

So when you live out of an orphan mindset, you don’t believe God can freely give you anything so you work for it, you strive for it, you perform for it.

But when you realize you are a child of God, you learn to rest and receive it knowing Jesus paid the price for it. 

Example-

The prodigal son did not work for His Father’s love and acceptance, in fact he actually wasted his inheritance but received Grace from His Father, it was undeserved. This is grace, undeserved, unearned.

The elder son on the other hand worked for His Father out of obligation and felt bitter when the Father provided the best for His undeserving son. This is living under the law, working for God’s love.

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If my blog has helped you and you would like to contribute and sow a seed into this ministry, please click the links below. God bless you and thank you! 

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Bangkok – Black Haired Singer

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SO I had many divine appointments but none like this one.

After a lot of distractions and battling lies (see previous post), I had some major breakthroughs spiritually and just when I needed it, donations came in to keep me doing God’s work.

After I praised God, met a Chinese Christian in my room, prayed with her on the floor, I felt a sudden urgency to go eat.

It was around 7pm. The Lord said “Go to Khaosan Rd”. So I went, I walked past this restaurant I walked past before (which was playing christian music), but tonight there was someone playing guitar and singing.

God had given me a vision of a black haired person. I looked at the menu and was like, “it’s a bit overpriced” but the Lord was like “that’s why donations came in and also there is someone you need to pray for”, so I went.

I sat down and the Lord was like it’s him.

I suddenly had a vision of the singer praising Jesus and there were thousands of Thai people praising Jesus in song. It was so beautiful.

I started clapping for him and he would look back at me.

Later the Lord said he was going to go on break and to catch him when he does go on break. Right when I finished eating, he stopped and started packing up.

I yelled “ARE YOU FINISHED? Come sit”. And he said he would after he packed.

Well, he went the restroom and when he came out I stopped him. I said, you have amazing talent. I just wanted to tell you that I could see you praising Jesus and singing. He said “well I’m Buddhist, though I do believe in Jesus too”.

After talking a bit he laughed “actually I have a cross tattoo, my ex was a Christian”. He said ever since they broke up, he feels so free and he could give love to people.

I prayed over him and told him that God sent me to him.

He told me that his ex band member stopped singing to open a bar because he could not become successful or famous from it and I said “when you follow Jesus, when you sing for God- God will provide everything you need”. But when you sing to make yourself famous, you will fail or not be happy. 

Praise God for this divine encounter. Please pray for him 🙂

To Read About My Story 

To Sow A Seed to This Ministry and what I am doing around the world, bringing Jesus’ love to people.  

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Prophetic Word – Show Yourself, Show Who You Really Are.

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So yesterday I had a dream where people started writing about me and texting me. I was becoming famous but I was in deep water and asking someone if it was okay that I was wearing leather boots, will they be comfortable or ruined in water?

Then another dream was that there were 3 animals but this guy said “it’s mine and it’s my grandma’s and I have to keep it in my garage”- referring to the past.

SO then I was telling my friend this dream and she said “just remember to relax in your own skin”.

Then I fell asleep again and then all of a sudden I had this HUGE realization.

Yesterday I met a Muslim girl from Indonesia in the bathroom. I told her how it was REALLY IMPORTANT THAT she WRITE what she FELT, not just WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR because HER STORY MATTERS AND HER VOICE MATTERS. 

SHE CAN CHANGE HER NATION WITH HER WORDS.

She told me how in her country you can get imprisoned for simply joking about “having a bomb on an airplane” but I was talking about how in America you can say you want to chop off the President’s head and it’s okay because “yes it’s really that free” I told her.

She told me how when she is with relatives she is even shy about showing her neck area since she wears a head covering.

In the bathroom, she said “it’s okay, you can see me” and she took off her head covering. 

Her hair was beautiful, she had dyed it partially blonde and for some reason, I felt a sigh a relief. 

Is this how it feels to show your skin? To finally allow others to see the real you? 

To not hide anymore, who you are, what you look like, what you think. To not be afraid of judgement, rejection, imprisonment even.

The truth is I’ve been battling insecurities at times too. For example, feeling like I have a double chin, this is my insecurity at times. And I have to come back to God and hear Him say “you are enough, you are beautiful just the way you are”. 

We live in a world that tells us WHO to be, What to think, and even WHAT to say to be accepted. We get hunted down when we don’t say something that is either politically correct or that “offends” someone.

You will offend someone no matter what you say and who you are. Someone will find you offensive. People find me offensive in various parts of Asia because I am blunt. 

But as a prophet, I have to brave and bold and say what’s on my mind because God’s light and truth must be spoken to pierce the darkness and lies that people believe in.

Show yourself, show who you really are. 

That night I got really frustrated.

I said “God I am so ready to just speak in front of thousands of people and be a voice for the voiceless and to FREE people from oppression, I am SO TIRED of seeing people living under oppression and this FEAR of rejection and judgement. NO MORE SHAME LORD!”

Ever since I was young I saw myself speaking in front of thousands and millions of people, I saw myself writing books and shedding light into the darkest hearts. Now I am doing it but on smaller scale and a part of me feels impatient but I know God’s timing is perfect.

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I pray what I write and speak will bring freedom to people. 

You are not a slave to society and what society thinks of you, you are free. In Christ Jesus.

To Read About My Story 

To Sow A Seed to This Ministry and What I am doing around the world, bringing Jesus’ love to people

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Prophetic Word- Let Go of What’s Not Working So You Can Receive The New

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Here’s the story.

Today I got back to the hostel really excited to do my laundry. But then this happened- the washer wouldn’t open after my clothes were done being washed.

I tried hard to open it but realized I needed to give up quick. In Korea my clothes got stuck in the washer and I ended up having to leave them. This time there was someone who could help me but I needed to wait so while I was waiting for the manager, I was hit with a revelation.

If you never let go of old clothes, you don’t have room for new clothes when you’re traveling because when you travel, it will actually COST YOU MONEY (It will cost you to hold onto past hurts, old wounds, unforgiveness, old ways of thinking, fear, anger, bitterness, the past) TO bring on EXTRA BAGGAGE! 

Most airlines only give you either one or two carry on and for international flights, one baggage. There is also a limit to how much you can bring onto the flight. For international flights it is 20 kg. 

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Guess what?

You will be weighed down emotionally and spiritually if you don’t let go of the past. 

If there is extra luggage (baggage) in your heart, you won’t be able to step into the new season ready to receive the new things. 

If you don’t let go of your past relationship (or bitterness about it) you can’t go into a new relationship with room to receive the love you are looking for.

Here’s what God said
“some people are NOT willing to throw out things that AREN’T WORKING because they feel like they WASTED so much money on it already”.

You say- “IT COST ME TOO MUCH already!” It cost you too much time, it cost you too much energy, it cost you me too much heartache!

For example, your clothes were really expensive or cost a lot of money but you never wear it….it’s costing you space.

JUST LIKE a relationship that isn’t working IS COSTING YOU EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL SPACE, and EVEN space where another person is supposed to be.

JUST LIKE an old mindset which isn’t working is costing you space, depression, fear, limited beliefs.

YOU feel like “I ALREADY SPENT SO MUCH TIME or money on it, I’m not willing to give it up, I ALREADY GOT HEART BROKEN OVER THIS, I can’t break it off”.

GOD’s LIKE YO! WAKE UP!

If you’re not WEARING it, it’s not worth keeping it because it is emotional SPACE.

Don’t get weighed down, God wants us to live in freedom. And that means being willing to let go when it is time.

Some people will not allow you to let go of them when it’s time, but it’s your life and you need to set boundaries for what you want in life.

I remember waking up one day and realizing that I wanted to have a heart committed to my future husband so I deleted and unfollowed every guy I ever had feelings for.

If you want what God has for you, you must be willing to let go of what isn’t for you. And be committed to trusting God and waiting for the right promises, the right people and refuse to settle for what’s lower than God intended.

Just as I waited for the manager to unlock the washer, so must we wait when things don’t happen right away. There’s no use in forcing something to open when God has a perfect timing for when He wants and is allowing something to happen. He knows when we are ready for it. Whatever it is.

To sow a seed: 

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Let Me Reintroduce Myself

Let my reintroduce myself. I felt the Lord tell me to write my story and to share it with everyone as my ministry fundraising letter.

Many of you may know me as the entrepreneur, the self-starter, the girl who was able to make anything happen. But what you don’t know is that when I was young I wanted to be a missionary. When I was 12, I felt the unconditional love of God when someone explained why Jesus died on the cross for me, I couldn’t stop crying. 

Back then I didn’t know what God was going to do in my life. I was born in Germany, moved to Taiwan when I was 5, then LA when I was 8. Growing up I felt a sense of lack and deficiency. I didn’t see my dad from the age of 8 to 18. My parents divorced and my mother brought me and my brother to America. I started selling toys after school at the age of 8. I wanted to share God’s love but I also felt a sense of responsibility to provide for my family. I wanted to become independent more than anything in the world.

So I worked my whole life. I strove hard. I aced tests, got good grades, I achieved and conquered and I was applauded for it. However, I was often exhausted and had unhealthy breaking points. Even at church, I felt like I was never doing enough. I got shingles at the age of 14 and the doctor said I needed to relax.

While I was trying to build my own kingdom and asking God to bless it, so that I could help others….I woke up from a dream while in a hostel in Spain. The Lord told me to quit my career in real estate.

You see, I had pursued many careers but the one thing that I was running away from was ministry. At the age of 28 the Lord told me to sell everything and follow Him. I was two months late on my rent and my relatives had accused me of being irresponsible, they saw my life as a fragmented failure. I had quit my job in 2011, backpacked to many places but without much “success” to show. I had worked in hollywood, real estate, fashion, teaching, coaching but there I was at the altar crying as God asked me to give my last $200 (intended for rent) to the church. He said “whose house are you building, yours or mine?”

I stopped working as the Lord instructed and He started showing me my identity in Christ. He showed me that I was righteous in Christ Jesus because of HIS finished work on the cross, and not my own works. During those two years of resting I was accused left and right for “being lazy” or not having my life together. I got hit with the most accusations when I turned 30. 

Little did people and my family know that I was going to set billions of people free from condemnation, guilt, shame, accusation. 

He showed me what TRUE grace is. It’s the finished work of Jesus on the cross.

In the last two years God showed me that I was a pastor to the lost sheep and a prophet that would start a fire within peoples’ hearts. Since July 2018, I have been traveling the world (Taiwan, Korea, Japan, South Africa, Thailand, China) sharing my story and praying for people. God leads me to the people He needs me to touch.

I AM a firestarter, I am revivalist, I am the person God picked to spread the message of rest, grace and unconditional love.

I lay hands on people and say “you are enough in God’s eyes, not because of what you do right or wrong, but because of Jesus’ finished work on the cross”. 

There is NOTHING more powerful than seeing people get set free from a lifetime of guilt, “not enough”, shame and condemnation. There is nothing more powerful than sharing with a chinese girl who is stressed out about finding work that GOD has already gone before her to provide the job she needs or to rest in God, there is nothing more powerful than helping a homeless youth and laying hands on his head speaking “you are not an orphan but a child of God” and seeing his eyes light up. 

However, I need your help. Just as Elijah was instructed to ask the widow for a meal, so that when the widow gave she could be set free from the spirit of lack (and because of her trust that God would provide, she never lacked from that day forth…she had more than enough to eat because she gave), I have been instructed to share my story with you and ask for your help.

I touch lives everyday for a living. Would you be part of this revolution of love? The world needs more love. There is an ongoing need as I will be traveling for at least a year more. Where the Spirit leads, there will be graves turned, hearts healed, people saved and changed. I have prayed for people with cancer, heartache, lack, disease, disappointments, strife, and more. I already have countless stories, hundreds of divine encounters and appointments, people coming to Christ etc.

I pray THIS over you! “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

To sow a seed: 
https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien 
https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien – this is free to donate and receive, so it’s the better option!

zelle- Rebekkalien@gmail.com

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Certainty In The Unknown

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Written in the middle of the night

Our life is a series of never ending unknowns.

When will we get married? When will we buy a house? How and when will we raise children?

Where will God call me next?

We want to know because knowing GIVES us a sense of security,

producing it right away,

seeing it right away gives us a sense of safety.

When the truth is only God knows. 

And I have to surrender control and allow God to be in control.

I need to allow God to make a way instead of trying to make a way. Not knowing the NEXT often makes us question

  1. Am I doing enough?

And we often STRIVE for the answer hoping we will find certainty in the NEXT. 

Instead of grasping and living in “I am enough in Christ Jesus”.

Jesus paid the price so I can rest knowing WHEN He does tell me the NEXT I will also be enough then. I am enough now and in the future. I will always be enough because of His sacrifice on the cross.

I am not lacking.

I am enough in Christ Jesus.

The frustration then comes when we don’t see change or results in people we’ve been called to help. But the truth is-

Change takes time.

No one changes overnight. Most changes take time, change requires

  1. Revelation
  2. A shift in mindset and thinking
  3. Desire
  4. Commitment

A lot of people stay stuck because they keep going between 2 branches instead of letting go in order to grab unto another.

Like monkeys.

At one point of swinging away from one branch, Tarzan/Xena has to grab unto the next brand. He/she cannot hold 2 at once.

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Sow a seed

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