I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Unsure But Faithful

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“Okay God, if you want me to go then give me more confirmation”

I fall asleep and I have dreams with clear directions about how to get there.

When I follow God’s voice, sometimes I’m unsure. Maybe it’s the fear that sets in or uncertainty. Yesterday I went to the beach but midway I felt my heart go “go home”. I felt fear. What am I supposed to expect. It’s late, why is the bus taking so long?

But I get on the train, the Lord tells me “the middle train” and I sit right near this Cambodian ex-gang member that I met on the bus one night. He was also Christian. I couldn’t believe it. He said he moved to San Pedro. And here we met again in a train at Union Station.

I can trust what I am hearing, but at times Satan tries to lie to me and tell me I’m all alone.

I had a dream that I found my blue gym bag and it said “just do it”. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing “just do it” leggings. 

When the Lord tells us to go He is asking us to have faith and trust He is our provider, our GPS at all times, and that He will keep us safe. He will also send people our way at all times. 

Just when I think I’m alone, God always sends a divine appointment and I realize that “Yes I am on the right path”. Doubt creeps in pretty easily, especially if someone is following you on the train, and you don’t feel safe at times. That happened one day.

Yesterday I took the train from Pasadena to Downtown and I heard “move” when I sat in the first car. I heard “middle car” so I moved to the middle car and immediately there was a man who started talking to me.

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I am pretty sensitive to God’s voice but there are times I want to sulk or stay in my flesh.

This morning the Lord said –

“What are you doing?”

“Laying here”

“It’s time to go”

“Can you pick someone else?”

“I will take you places you can’t even imagine, all you have to do is be my mouthpiece”

“Sometimes I just want to be normal and not have people persecuting me”

But I know the truth is, I would be really bored if I lived a normal life. 

I’m not sure if I like seeing people manifest all the time, I’m not sure if I like fear trying to attack me when I’m following God everyday, I’m not sure if I want my heart to be open at all times (which is what ministering to people is…I’m constantly feeling emotions, crying for people, caring), I’m not sure if I liked being stretched everyday, I’m not sure if I want to trust God all the time….

But whenever I do trust God, the outcome is always good. That’s why I don’t like not listening. I have always seen God pull through, set me free from a limiting mindset, bless me, or open my heart. He has sent me to thousands of people all around the world. I am so rich with love. 

I’m not sure if I want to feel though, to feel the immense well of pain, love, laughter, emotions that comes with loving. And I meet people on a daily basis.

Yesterday I missed my stop but I got off and heard “hollywood”. A guy told me he was gorgeous and I asked what his tattoos meant. He said “it’s a bible verse”. I said I do ministry and God led me to him.

He said “I’m backslidden though”. We got on the bus and got off at Ralphs. He said he was just selling marajuana and other things….I said “meth?” “Yes” “See I’m a prophet, I know”.

Strangely, he also got his phone stolen.

A lot of issues and addictions come from feeling unloved and unwanted by our parents and God sends me to show people “hey, go home, hey you are wanted, hey it’s okay to reach out for help, hey you’re worthy of love, you’re a success, God is proud of you, there is no shame”.

God is stretching me, my understanding of love.

People I never thought I had the capacity to love, I’m learning to love. The drug addicts, the prostitutes, the pimps even, the gangsters, the cheats, the liars, the homeless because we are all fallen, we were all with sin but Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so no one is better.

I have a fear of being cold. Sometimes I wear what the Lord tells me to. Yesterday He told me to wear shorts so I did. It was really short so I caught people staring at me and felt unsafe. When I got to the beach I heard “change” so I changed into my dress. When I came out I saw this beautiful woman. I said hi to her. She came to me “do you have pants?”

“I said, actually I do! God told me to wear shorts” so I took off my shorts from underneath my dress and gave it to her. She was so happy. I asked if she was homeless and she said “yes”. I said “do you have a bra?” She said “no it’s okay”. I took off my sports bra because my dress didn’t really require a bra. She put it on right away and tried to give me back her shirt and I said “no you’re cold, you need it”. She tried to leave it but she came back for it.

Then I gave her $5 (grace) and she said here “have $2 (double portion)”.

She kept saying “thank you”. And I felt this warmth. I started sweating and felt really hot. I realize it was God saying “don’t worry about being cold”. That night someone called a lyft for me after spending time with them, so I didn’t even need my sweater. I wish I obeyed and just gave my sweater to her.

God’s ways really isn’t our ways and when we trust God completely we will see that He always provides what we need.

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BREAKTHROUGH TESTIMONY- Holy Spirit Cannot Be Quarantined

Oh how the Lord broke through my heart today. The wonderful ways He breaks through my heart. I’ve been frustrated with people lately because I think people are going overboard with the virus issue, but DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY DAY?

I had a dream that a man was telling me to go to far away places. He drew out a map and I saw a motorcycle in the dream. Acceleration. I was sitting in a jacuzzi and I was in Hawaii. I realize I did want to go to far away places. I saw a blue door.

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When I woke up around 8:30 am I heard “go now”. I was doubting His voice, but I started getting ready. There was a game show interview but I heard “change it to tomorrow”.

“GO NOW”, again I heard. I started to get dressed and heard “wear pants, you’re going to run”. 

I started running after the bus. Immediately “talk to the driver”. He turned out to be Catholic and never grew up with his dad. He didn’t even know if he was alive. I shared my story with him, I could feel something in my heart. He offered me pork rinds.

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I get off. Walk around, get on the next bus, more men. This time a deaf guy asks for my number.

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I go to El Pollo Loco and I’m eating at the counter and am told not to, so then I hear them saying “china”. I’m hurt because I feel like they are making fun of me regarding the virus.

I call my friend. But I hear “ask for help”. I do, I try to call everyone I know. One replies. A guy I met at the Abbey. I tell him what happened and start crying. 

I go back to El Pollo and confront them. She said they weren’t making fun of me, they were just talking about my backpack. She apologizes, I feel better. I remember how this Mexican guy yelled at me during the Sars epidemic and told me to put on a mask.

I walk to the bus stop and meet a guy. He is muslim, I tell him about Jesus. We talk throughout the whole bus ride. He wants to be my boyfriend but I tell him my husband needs to be Christian. I tell him he needs to go see his parents and he said his parents have already offered him a plane ride but if he believes in Jesus, his parents may kill him.

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I feel weird, I feel something in my heart. I feel heat rise up to my face.

I take another bus back to Pasadena. I’m talking to another bus driver, a male again. I go to Target as God has been putting on my heart to get a bike. A guy helps me, and then another guy comes. Immediately I am drawn to him. He says he grew up Catholic and I share my faith with him.

I remember my first boyfriend was white and Mexican too.

I buy popcorn chicken. The lady tells me she remembers me….I was talking to the Christian lady that worked there last time.

I get on another bus and immediately see a guy with a thug life hat. He’s a lost sheep I know this. He is hard of hearing.  We talk and I offer him chicken. He says he is really hungry and going to work so I give him food, a lot of food. He tells me he has never had a girlfriend (or in a long time) and we are sitting together, I tell him I do ministry. We are trying our best to communicate. He says he is Catholic too, Mexican as well. Basically everyone I met today was Mexican.

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I lay hands on his ears, I’m not afraid of the virus. I’m more concerned about healing him. That’s what I do. Jesus is not afraid of people. He heals the sick.

I get off and hear “downey”, I was hearing it all day. Well, it’s late. I intend to go home because it is safe, but I walk past the local laundry mat and see a girl. I tell her I’m a Christian and she says me too! I ask for her info but she declines. She tells me she forgot her laundry yesterday and came back to get it.

God tells me to walk her home but she declines. She says “I don’t make friends, I keep things professional”. I ask “are you scared of people?” She says “yes”. 

I walk home but feel no peace. God am I hearing right? Am I doing too much? I mean I’ve talked to a lot of people today.

But yes, I follow the prompting (leave my house) and I go to the bus stop. It will take 3 buses to get there but I hear “ask for help” after I get off 260 S. Previously the Lord told me to call a guy friend and he says “you won’t believe what just happened, a girl just asked me for a ride and to buy her food”.

I get off the bus…I’m scared, sure. I spot a white truck and a man eating alone.

“Hi, I’m Christian and God told me to ask for help, can I have a ride to Downey? I am a prophet and I hear God’s voice”.

Conversation ensues and he buys me food. We start going towards home but I hear Downey again so I tell him to turn around. He tells me his daughter and him have cancer. He tells me he went through a similar issue as my dad. I start crying, big big tears. He tells me his dad left them too, 8 kids.

I’m crying and I can’t stop. This is what God wanted, a breakthrough in my heart. Because I was praying for people to be delivered of the deaf and mute spirit. I felt muted, emotionally. I felt an emotional breakthrough.

But now, heat was rising up my throat and to my face, circulation was happening. Something spiritual. I felt loved. My face felt hot.

I prayed over him and told him HE WAS NOT A SINNER because JESUS MADE HIM WHOLE. I TOLD HIM TO RECITE “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”. He had done enough for his daughter, he was enough.

It reminded me that I needed to see my dad that way even if he didn’t raise me. That I needed to release him from hatred.

The man called an uber for me. I hugged him. He was healed too. He said he isn’t as close to his daughter anymore but he wanted to be closer to her.

A Vietnamese man picks me up. He is married. God tells me to tell him “I love you”. I say “Jesus tells you He loves you”. God tells me to give him $1. He is Buddhist. He says in America people love Jesus more. He is elated with $1. But there is significance. Whatever you give to, you will reap.

You will get married, God says. Whatever or whoever you give to, you will reap. If you are giving to someone who has breakthroughs and freedom in their life, you will reap it. If you give to someone who has a big calling and purpose on their life, you have the same. If a musician gives to you, you’re a musician. So forth, I’ve found God does this prophetically. He will often ask me to give or ask for donations depending on the situation of what needs to happen in peoples’ hearts.

My life is crazy on so many levels but I see the fruit before the seed even hits the ground.

GOD SHAKES ME on so many levels. He heals me on SO MANY LEVELS.

Maybe some people are afraid of the virus, but I see that GOD REALLY HAS NOT GIVEN ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF A SOUND MIND! AND HEALING, WHOLENESS, RESTORATION. 

GOD IS GOOD! When I get home, my musician guy friend has given a donation. I see the double portion of fruit bearing. If you open your heart, you will receive in love and provision. If you ask, you will receive.

Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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Divine Appointment With An Uber Driver

I’m ALWAYS blown away by how the Lord leads me.

Today for some reason I didn’t eat until 10:30pm. I thought about going somewhere close, but I felt a craving for hot pot. I called an uber as it was not far away….watch the video to see what happened next.

God is not a respecter of persons, GOD WILL USE ANYONE OR ANYTHING. He is present at a gay club, He is present in New Zealand, He is present and He will use ANYONE. He will use a Buddhist, a Muslim, He will use a Samaritan, a prostitute.

Are you open to how the Holy Spirit leads?

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Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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Testimony From A Brother In Christ

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A couple of nights ago, I was in the negative in my bank account and the Lord told me to go dancing. That night I met a director, a model, and an actor, a guy from Bangledash and some other people. When I was about to walk out of the car I saw someone had sown into my ministry. I felt God’s assurance that He was providing and His hand was on me.
I decided to ask him what his story was as I usually do ask, I want to get to know my family. Here’s his story. 
Haha well my “story” is far too long and would take up multiple books to tell it all but I will tell you a little.
So I saw your video posts on facebook almost a year ago as you were part of one of the groups I am in on facebook.  I followed you just a little bit but not much as I follow other ministries as well and I don’t care a whole lot for social media  (trying to change that as media presence is important today of course).
However I had many financial issues months ago and am still recovering after yet another attack from certain occult members and witchcraft against my finances.  So I was without internet for awhile and other things so I lost touch with your ministry.  Last month I started a new job building welding equipment and it was the position I had prayed for.
I have tithed for years now but never gave first fruits and despite how bad my situation was I did not care- this time I was giving my first fruits.  I prayed and made a list for almost 2 weeks and asked the Lord which ministries and how much to give.  At first you were not on my list.

Then Friday your name and face popped back into my mind.  It has been hard to hear the Lord at times lately but  perceived that he was saying that you were in need.  I took my old laptop to McDonalds and was giving to other ministries and I checked back up on you on facebook and saw one of your recent posts of being in need so I looked up your website- now knowing of course that my discernment was correct – and gave  a scriptural giving first (the 6:20 from Matthew 6:20.) however I knew that was not enough of course so moments later I gave again.

As for me- I am Roger Raymond Ballog.  Some call be Gypsy which people started calling me years ago because I am a Roma Gypsy and I am a lead guitarist and singer and composer of Christian Rock music so I just went with that name for years but now I prefer Roger B haha.
I live in Clarksdale MS – you may have heard of it it is the place with that infamous cross roads where many famous musicians have gone to sell their soul and I am totally against it of course and the demonically charged music in this area which is mostly blues.  I been saved awhile.
I am the first Holy Ghost filled and saved person in my family and am very persecuted because of it.  My family hold to false religious stuff and superstition.  Most are Catholic and also practice witchcraft of fortune telling or some form of paganism and think that is ok to put next to God.
I wanted no part after the Holy Spirit started leading me.  But as you would guess I did not come up believing.  The Lord tried to talk to me when I was a kid- but so were many other spirits.  Later when I was in my early 20s (I am now 32 going on 33)  I met a man just a little older than me and he was the first Holy Ghost filled person I ever met. He was differant.  When he spoke to me he told me about the Lord and dared me to go to church so I did.  But not because of the dare actually.  See as he was speaking the Holy Spirit was downloading into me and telling me that Jesus was the source of my needs and desires and the answer to my problems. 
So I went to church at local 1st Assembly of God where my new friend in Christ James went.  I did not own a car so I walked in cold, snow, rain I did not care.  I mostly wore black and leather and had long hair in those days so I know i looked wierd to these churchy religious people.  At that time I did not know God’s ways but I wanted to know him.  So I went.  James discipled me a little and then we just kinda lost touch.  The Lord started leading me differently tho and I started to change.  I did not at first agree with the bible.  It offended me and I did not believe it so I threw it at the wall and swore it.  But I kept seeking Jesus and prayed heavily seeking to hear from God.
He started to come and speak to me very clearly and he would tell me things and when I would look them up on a computer –  I would find it was a bible verse!!  Many verses in the bible he told me before I found them or even knew it was a bible verse.  So I put aside my offense and started reading it.  Then I was led to another church- 1st United Pentecostal.
A very old timey church but full of sweet people who knew the Lord.  I knew I had to get baptized and receive Christ.  So I did there and went there for years.  After sometime I felt I had received the spirit but could not speak in tongues or something was holding me back from fully receiving the spirit.
Years later I found out why-  witchcraft and occult crap as well as spirits hindering me like the spirit of rejection.  So I later got deliverance and spoke in tongues and received the spirit.  I have seen Jesus do many outlandish miracles in my life that shock people.  I myself walk in miracles at times and it is cool.
I love praying for others and seeing them get healed or set free from demonic  oppression or supernaturally fixing things through the power of spoken word.  At the moment I am trying to get my life back together and finish my first EP.  I am also taking ministry classes amongst other things.  I am an odd guy.  I am very different from others.  I don’t seem to really fit in any crowd really.  I am especially growing tired of religion and churchiness at the moment. 
I want to see great spiritual movements of God and people being blessed, healed and delivered and set free.  I see life as a musically- literally.  I want the whole world singing and dancing in the streets and losing their mind praising God. Even singing as they work instead of complaining or being negative.  Ok I will shut up now haha.
Thank you Roger for obeying Jesus when He put me on your mind.
This was another confirmation that the Lord is continuing to bring lost sheep to me, those who are a bit different, spirit led, creative folks.
58442549_105999020609222_5212708344371871744_n.jpgMe 2016 Festival 2.jpg
Thank you for the testimony Roger!

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“All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they shared with anyone who was in need. Acts 2:44”

 

 

God Loves To Trigger Me

black-and-white-black-and-white-branches-cloudy-216695

I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.

My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?

When she left I immediately burst out crying.

Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.

I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”

Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”. 

I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.

I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.

God told me “go eat with them”.

I said “no God”.

He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.

Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.

I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.

So with a slightly awkward start I said…

“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”. 

They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.

Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.

Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”

Seriously?

Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.

And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.

You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.

But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.

Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.

This morning she was all nice to me.

I think she felt guilty about it.

Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.

What do you have to confront in your life?

I had a dream I told my ex friend-

“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”

I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.

I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.

When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest. 

man-in-black-shorts-in-water-3544412The tears may come, let them come.

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Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. photo-of-coconut-tree-on-seashore-1576955Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. abstract-adventure-bright-canvas-2397652Let it all wash away.

Let it all wash away.

It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.

I felt the heat and the anger…

But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.

“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.

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