Do You Like Yourself? My Journey Of Finding Wholeness

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Happy Valentine’s day.

I used to have boy crushes growing up. I had these unhealthy obsessions of male celebrities and I had quick soul ties with men. I was just boy obsessed. I didn’t grow up with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 8 and we moved to Los Angeles from Taiwan. From then on I didn’t see my dad until I was 18 years old when I went to Taiwan. He looked like a stranger, an old man. But he was related to me, but a pure stranger. 

It took several visits for me to finally forgive him and let go of my “ideal childhood”. I grew up with severe depression because I just felt sad that I didn’t grow up with my dad. This cloud over my mind and being affected every area of my life.

But I didn’t know it stemmed from hopelessness….that hopelessness of feeling unwanted, abandoned, rejected, uncherished.

I grew close to God. I would journal and talk to God, but I felt far away from Him too. Sometimes I felt like I had to achieve and perform to please Him.

It took years and years for me to see that God is pleased with me, He doesn’t need me to please Him, that’s why Jesus died on the cross for me. His love is constant and unchanging, totally unconditional and totally overflowing. 

I tried to find love in a potential boyfriend. I fell into relationships out of convenience or for the pure desire for companionship. Though our desire for companionship is God-willed…our neediness isn’t. 

Our neediness is a reflection of the God-void in our hearts.

We all desire God, but we just don’t know it.

Fast forward from my teens to now (I just turned 30 years old, the age where everyone expects that you should have everything together)….I don’t need a man.

I really don’t. I do desire marriage and a life partner but I have never felt more complete than now. 

Because throughout the last 3 years, God would whisper “you are enough”. Every time I felt like I was not enough, I was lacking, I didn’t have this or that….every time I felt inadequate or unable, every time I felt like I was gaining weight or accused….whatever it was, it would come down to “you are enough”. 

That’s why I am enough and I don’t have a need for anything or anyone else but God.

God totally and completely completes me. 

In Him I am enough. 

I am so blessed to have come to this revelation in my life. I hope that this fact of “you are enough” will open your heart to the Only One who can give you love, unconditional and everlasting.

PS- is it easy? No. It’s not always easy to stay in that knowledge when everyone around you tells you you are not enough, but that is why I have found “alone time” to be most vital. Alone time helps me recuperate from the words of family members, it gives me time to receive from God and to be loved by God even when the world around me attacks me.

The best gift I received today, from myself….is alone time. I feel like I can breathe again. Though it is nice to spend time with loved ones, alone time helps me find my heart again especially when others have their own issues to deal with.

With love, Rebekka – Hugs!

When you are enough, you can rest and be loved.

When you are enough, you don’t feel rushed to be more.

When you are enough, you grow in beauty and wisdom.

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A Life With No Plan B

A Life With NO Plan B

Every upgrade and levels in our life requires a TRANSITION PERIOD/SEASON. I know, most of us hate waiting. We want things instantaneously.

There are days I trust God, I can rest in His grace, I know He is able…but there are days I can’t get my mind off of what’s not happening, or on my current circumstances. When that happened this morning, I was reminded to worship. I realize I was focusing more on the circumstances instead of Jesus. 

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 

Joseph Prince said “when we start to SEE, that’s when we lose faith”, because we are SEEING with earthly eyes and not on what GOD is doing. We live by FAITH and not by SIGHT.

I’ve walked this NO PLAN B journey with God after I graduated from COLLEGE and quit my full time job. I went backpacking in Australia for 2 months, when I got back I sold jewelry, I lived the hippie life in Silverlake. I went from one LEVEL to ANOTHER.

I felt His calling, GO, and I would GO. I went to Ecuador, Brazil, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore…I went without a plan B, often times fearing that I would be stranded without financial provisions, but somehow it would work out. I would meet the people I was meant to meet.

Plan A was this, trust God, Go with GOD, and BE God’s light wherever I went. 

Was it scary, hells YES.

But each time I trusted Him to bring me through, I would see more of His love and character. God is unchanging- He will bring you through the storms of life just to show you that He is not MAN that He should lie. You are untouchable when you have God with you. 

Abraham was told to leave his father’s house and go to a land that God would show him.

Ummmm….which land? How?

That’s what we would ask, or I would ask…..but through God’s leading in the last few years I realized, I never really knew where I was going until I got to the “land” before the next “land”.

For example, I lived in Pasadena for a few years, but then He told me to sell everything and follow Him. Then He said “Hawaii”, so I went to Hawaii for 2 weeks. Then when I got back, I didn’t feel led to tell my friends and family I was back…so I was at a hotel with my one backpack, and I called my friend “I have no idea where I am going”. I was scared because even though I enjoyed my time in Hawaii, it was like Now what?

She said, “you can stay with me”.

Then I was there for a week, two weeks, a month, a few months.

Then I packed up everything again, this time Thailand was fiercely on my heart, it had been for a year. I went with $1000, with no return ticket.

This time, God would whisper a “land” after my work was done in one “land”. Vietnam, He would say. I couldn’t control anything really. But then I would meet a missionary, or a new friend, and it was like Kismet. It was encouraging when I met these divine encounters, that’s when I knew I was at the right place at the right time. I was there for them and vice versa.

Then eventually I ran out of cash, and somehow I would survive, even if it was with a credit card I didn’t know would work, I survived. Even if it was selling my tablet at some sketchy stall in Malaysia, it paid for a week of my prison cell sized room. Even if it was holy spirit arranging me to help a new bed and breakfast with social media in exchange for room and board.

But it wasn’t really about that. It was learning to TRUST GOD, to go with God and to know that God was with me. 

Are you willing to go into the unknown without a plan b?

It is scary as hell.

Truthfully, He was showing me “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you”….but more importantly….

“I’m reliable, I’m your God, I’m your best friend” and through all this I grew closer in intimacy with the creator of the world. In Bali, Indonesia, I got into a moped accident in my eagerness to be like the author of Eat, Pray, Love….I ended up spending a week in bed. I was alone and my foot felt like it was rotting. I had a hard time showering….

But who was enough for me, Jesus was.

So whatever you are going through, hold on. He is close to your heart. Reach out to the perfect God who loves you. Cry, sing, be vulnerable with Him. He will provide the rest you need.

We often try to control what we think we need in order to feel safe. That can be our income, our living situation, our career, our friendships, our relationships….but truthfully, if you have Jesus, you can be in the worse situation and feel peace. 

It’s definitely worth trying- it’s a “risky” way to live, following Jesus, but you will find out…it’s riskier to rely on the things of this world because there is no peace in it.

So what is God calling you to do? It may just be to trust Him and wait for His timing. It may be to go without knowing where. It may be something else.

A lot of people reply to my stories “omg I would never be able to do that! I would never be able to travel alone and sometimes with no money?!”

Well, I don’t know what to say, but it’s because of Jesus, just Jesus. 

Free food in china?

IMG_3807So I have one full day left until I leave for Los Angeles. I didn’t want to change $100 US dollars for such a short time so I have 1 something yuan left and my hostel key deposit which I get when I check out on wednesday. I figured I’d use my visa credit card. But guess what, it’s not widely accepted here.

So I decided to go to mcdonalds because like it’s from America right?

Everyone pays with their cell phone here in shanghai. No one carries cash…except maybe foreigners.

So visa was not accepted at mcdonalds in shanghai.

One of the employees tried to help me download alipay but gave up and just decided to give me free food. Like….I already ate dinner so I wanted cake.

So I can have cake and eat it too.

She even made me hot chocolate which is not on the menu. I will definitely remember her when I have some front row seats to my one woman show.

I tell people that I like slow travel….

Like sitting at a cafe drinking hot cocoa and eating cake.

And talking to a stranger…

who knew it would be fulfilled by a mcdonalds employee.

So there are nice people in china- because after some miserable experiences of rude interactions I thought “I’m so ready to go home”, but there is hope.

Thank you dear friend.

100 Bucket List & Shanghai Local Eats

I’m eating lunch at a taiwanese restaurant called YongKang. I also bought a 100 bucket list journal…a few things I wrote:

1. Go to the top of the Eiffel tower

2. Go scuba diving

3. Live somewhere outside of the us for more than 6 months from now on.

4. Get married to the man of my dreams and have a loving marriage

wifi is really slow here so I will write later! I also found a Japanese restaurant and was so hungry I forgot to take pictures 😜🤣

Ps- I had to change the formatting of my photos because it was taking too long to load a story individual images.

Shanghai Local Eats and Zoo

Besides the one time I ate yoshinoya and secret recipe, I usually opt for small hole in the wall eats.

Today I found a fish noodle soup place…and I’m including some photos from the shanghai zoo. I spent 4 hours in this place, my goal was to see pandas play and I definitely met my goal.

Walking In Faith Always Requires A New Level Of Trust

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(Catba Vietnam)

Whenever a new challenge comes my way and I have doubts and feelings of lack, I remember how God delivered me.

For one, as I was walking home, I thought about how whenever God called me to something, I never actually had the finances or resources for it. It required faith and trust and follow through. I had to obey and walk through the steps. I don’t know why God has given me this kind of faith or why He has required it from me, but maybe because I was born into situations that required me to have faith.

When I went to Thailand I had a one way ticket and $1000. The paycheck I was “relying” on never came through and as much as I chased down that client, I had to learn to let it go and forgive him. 

I would hear a country, a city, and go. One way tickets. There were times I pretty much ran out of money and then something would show up like the idea of selling an old tablet, which afforded me one week at a 10′ by 5′ prison celled size room.

Or how I would be dancing at a bar and a Vietnamese lady would offer to pick me up at the train station the next day and I would learn about their lives while I lived with her.

Or how I would forget but randomly mention my blog and be offered rooming for my marketing and writing skills.

But at the end of the day, God always called me to people.

He never showed me exactly what would happen, but He would tell my heart to trust Him. And I would be petrified, but I would walk forward, trusting that I wouldn’t be stranded on an island.
And that has almost happened too.

But then I’ll be eating my last $2 and then a group of travel agents would join me and ask me to drink with them. And then somehow I would become friends with people I would have never met if I wasn’t out there eating alone at Catba Island, Vietnam.

MY life is full of stories like this.

And so when I am feeling challenged, I would remember, God did this and that….and I would never fail to be in awe once again.

So whatever new challenge you are facing today, remember how God delivered you then and how our whole life is a series of trusting for the next level. 

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My couchsurfing host in Hanoi, now a sister.

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Saigon, Vietnam

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Biking in Melaka, Malaysia

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Dancing at the temple, Melaka, Malaysia

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Catba Islands, Vietnam

The Value of Trying

Today I met with a publicist. She was incredibly nice and kind- unlike the many people I have met in LA. She offered me advice on putting together a media kit and showing companies my numbers on social media and blog.

To be honest, I was pretty overwhelmed. Because I’ve done all that before. I’ve put together media kits before. I’ve tried to show people my value….but at the end of the day, if people really truly know WHO I AM, I wouldn’t have to try so hard. Because I know what I have to offer- me. 

Not the numbers, not the views.

Me. The authentic, the imperfect, the enough me. 

Instead of being gripped by fear, I did approach some of the past opportunities that I felt like “it wasn’t the right time” to pursue last year….and even though I knew the “numbers” weren’t there. Yes, I don’t have 80,000 followers on instagram. I have over 1,200.

So I got no’s. 

But I felt relieved. 

I felt like “you know what. I actually don’t want to go down this path”.

Because I know what I have to offer is greater than numbers, followers, views.

It’s about authenticity.

I write and live out authenticity. 

I am not better or less than. 

I am who I am and I want to write about the imperfect, complicated and simple life that I have. I want to write about how I get rejected, how I get no’s, how even though my numbers and qualifications don’t add up, God’s grace is enough for me. 

And so if God’s grace doesn’t open that door for me, I know God’s grace isn’t on it. 

I want to write about the fear that is so real and makes my arms numb, about the belly fat that I sometimes loath, and how I try to do yoga at night but realize I just need to love myself for what I look like now, fully and completely. That NO I can’t get abs in one week.

Self- care.

Self- love.

Self- acceptance.

Take it or leave it. That’s me.

I’m not going to figure out how to get more followers so I can go on a press trip, because I’m more than that.

I write to change lives, to tell people, it’s okay to be authentic and imperfect…to speak your mind, to speak the truth, to be politically incorrect, to be insecure, to make mistakes. 

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I’m going to keep doing what I love and what I’m good at.

I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole of trying to be good at something I don’t like doing.

Trying and getting a “no” is better than not trying and living in fear.
Because when you get a “no” or a rejection letter, you feel relieved.

You know you can move on and no longer have to be thinking about it. You know something more SUITABLE is ahead for you.

It’s like closing a chapter and knowing that another is coming.

What doors are you leaving open that needs to be closed?

Sometimes those new doors won’t open until you say NO firmly to the last door.
If you claim it’s a new season, why are you still flirting with the past. If you claim you don’t want to, why do you keep doing it. Do your words mean anything if you don’t stick to your own intention?
Half ass intentions leads to half ass results.

Let your no be no. Let your yes be yes. And last of all, say absolutely YES to yourself.

This is me. All of me. I believe that if it’s meant to be, God will open the door. It doesn’t mean you just wait on your ass for manna to fall down from heaven…you still try, but you try knowing that rejection is just an open door to the next good thing.

Let the spirit lead. Everything has already been completed.