The Pain and Gain of Surrender

I bit my tongue. My pride was wounded. I screamed silently. There was nothing I could say to make her understand.

“It is okay that she doesn’t understand”- Jesus says to me.

I wish someone understood how hard it is to surrender, to follow Jesus into the unknown, to go and not have a backup plan, to not rely on the world’s way of provision and stability but to seek only the Kingdom.

I went to the bathroom and felt anger turn into grief.

I sobbed silently.

Following Jesus cost me everything. I could say following Jesus is easy. It’s not. It’s not easy to die to yourself. It’s not easy to follow Him when your family doesn’t understand. But surrender. Because there is nothing better than being close to Jesus. Nothing. In the pain of surrender I see Him more clearly.

To others you are crazy, but to God you are fierce.

I will trust Him into the unknown.

What if God actually doesn’t want people to approve of your decisions because then you would seek people and not God for decisions in your life. And what if people’s approval and acceptance of your life situation is actually preventing you from going for what God wants for you? I’m saying “approval” can be a curse from the devil. Approval can get you stuck. Approval from the world can be the worse thing for you. True freedom is about living your true North without anyone’s acceptance! #bexprophetic #propheticword #statusquo #unique #freedom #spirituality #decisions #lifestyle


Overcoming Oppression


I have been having intense dreams in the last 3 nights, where I’m casting out demons people couldn’t see. I had migraines and was fighting battles. I considered whether I should write this post as I didn’t want to put fear in peoples’ hearts but I felt like God wanted to shed light on oppression.

Maybe 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been this sensitive spiritually, but now I am 100 percent spiritually sensitive. 

I am SO sensitive in my spirit that I walked out of a movie midway yesterday and I have never done that before.

I started to feel a migraine coming on. It was a Chinese war movie….and in the natural, it really didn’t have a plot, it was just a lot of guns and blood. But then after I walked out, I realized that I have never really seen a lot of Chinese movie that didn’t have the theme of regret and fear in it (like all encompassing, not just part of the movie).

Basically I could feel the spirit of death.

And during the night I was attacked. I know that the enemy is trying hard to attack people in this season of promotion so I took that to heart, but any attack is annoying. So I was casting out things in the middle of the night and quoting scripture, etc.

LOL. I know, I make it sound so normal. It’s just annoying, it doesn’t scare me anymore even though nightmares can be frightening. I know Jesus has already overcome.

So here’s a prayer for everyone who is going through attacks, fears, doubts.

Dear God, thank you For your SON JESUS dying on the cross for us, you took all our fears and doubts on the cross, we can now feel relieved knowing we are SAFE.

I cast out any false spirits and demonic strongholds that are trying to HURT or WOUND YOUR PEOPLE! I kick out any foxes that are deceiving our minds or putting lies in our head. I pray for the Peace NOT of this world but of Jesus. I cast out the spirit of python that is choking the life out of your people.

Jesus, help us to cast all our cares on you and to come to you with our tears and fears.

I pray this Jesus name, Amen.


If the enemy tries to guilt trip or shame you remember “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there IS NOW NO CONDEMNATION for those that are in Christ Jesus”.

God’s Power Is Made Perfect In Your Weakness


The biggest lie that people teach is that “you have to have it together before God helps you or that you have to help yourself before God will help you”. I’ve heard it many times growing up and I can say it is probably one of the most damaging lie of the enemy.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 –

“But He said to me, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness‘. Therefore I boast all the MORE gladly about my weaknesses, so that CHRIST’S POWER may REST on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, then I am STRONG.” 

I used to study the law of attraction or the Secret. I found some truth in it, but as I continued to “try this method” I found that it was self-defeating. There were times I tried to “think positive” all day, but there were thoughts that just weren’t from me. I knew they were clearly from the enemy, but I “tried really hard” to think positive.

In the end, all my trying wasn’t good enough. I’m imperfect. 

That’s when I realized that there is something better than the law of attraction, it’s called GRACE. 

So instead of trying to be strong, trying to be perfect, I remember I am perfect in Christ. I get to be super weak and I get to rely on God for that is when I allow HIS POWER to REST on me. When I stop trying, He starts working. When I rest, He works. Amen! 

How relieving it is to know I get to rest completely on God; God is not my crutch, God is my breath, His spirit breathes through me…He allows me to breathe each breath, He created me, without GOD’s spirit in me, I wouldn’t be alive. 

As you know, in the last few years I went from “trying” to be this successful career woman to giving it all up to follow Christ. There was a moment when things stopped working and as hard as I tried in every avenue of my entrepreneurship, everything had dried up. It’s as if God’s grace on my career completely stopped flowing.

I heard God say “sell everything and follow me”. It was a moment where I could have said no but all my efforts brought me nowhere. 

All my pretending to be strong was killing my heart.

All my pretending to having my sh*t together was placing an invisible wall in front of my heart and destroying any hopes for realness in my life.

I follow Him and it was hard.

I had people tell me that I should plan, I should figure it out, I should do this and that. 

Everyone had an opinion except my closest friends; they knew because they were connected to God and they were going through similar things in their life.

A split in the path…we all are offered a different route in life….we can choose to keep driving on the familiar path with everyone else, or we can choose to take the route that God has for us….and the thing is….NOT everyone will agree with it, people will mock you, make fun of you, guilt trip you, make you think it’s your fault that you are suffering.

You will read things like “you get what you think about” or “you get what you think you deserve”.

Well, no.

That’s a lie. Persecution is real, and it’s not what you deserve. Jesus got persecuted, but He did nothing wrong.

Then people told me, “you can’t minister to people when your life is not together”. After many times of saying “I am just following Jesus and where He leads me” I realize not everyone will understand why I didn’t have a sim card for 2 years, why I gave up my car, why I lived a life of simplicity.

They thought I was LACKING when in fact, I was RICH in Christ’s Power. 

They thought I didn’t have things, I didn’t have a stable job….therefore I was lacking, therefore I needed help.

They didn’t know that I was gaining and increasing in power; the more I heavily relied on God, the more I started to see my identity. I didn’t need a new laptop or a shiny car to know my worth. I was so shiny on the inside, I could feel peace and abundance radiate everywhere I went. 

I was no longer relying on the external things to prove my worth, I was becoming everything God had intended me to be since I was in my mother’s womb. 

I no longer needed to tell them I was a writer or an entrepreneur, or anything.

When people first get to know you, they often ask you “so what do you do?”

I reply “I’m a child of God” now.

Back then I would have changed my title several times to accommodate their interest. Now I have no interest in small talk. Christ’s power RESTS heavily on me. I am a walking and talking miracle worker. I can set captives free from oppression, depression, self-condemnation, sickness, guilt and shame.

There were many people who had an opinion, but none of them really understood.

They didn’t understand that “for when I am weak, then I am strong”.They didn’t understand that my tears were collected by God and that like the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and perfume, that passion was much more important than being esteemed in peoples’ eyes. 

I was pouring out my whole life to Jesus and in the storm and chaos, this was what it looked like- love, real love. It wasn’t safe, it was secure. But Jesus kept me safe and secure. He became my anchor, my everything. I started to walk on water, I was willing to go because His voice beckoned me.

Here is a story of someone who showed great love to Jesus: Luke 7:36-50

One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him, so Jesus went into the Pharisee’s house and sat at the table. 37 A sinful woman in the town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house. So she brought an alabaster jar of perfume 38 and stood behind Jesus at his feet, crying. She began to wash his feet with her tears, and she dried them with her hair, kissing them many times and rubbing them with the perfume. 39 When the Pharisee who asked Jesus to come to his house saw this, he thought to himself, “If Jesus were a prophet, he would know that the woman touching him is a sinner!”

40 Jesus said to the Pharisee, “Simon, I have something to say to you.”

Simon said, “Teacher, tell me.”

41 Jesus said, “Two people owed money to the same banker. One owed five hundred coins[a] and the other owed fifty. 42 They had no money to pay what they owed, but the banker told both of them they did not have to pay him. Which person will love the banker more?”

43 Simon, the Pharisee, answered, “I think it would be the one who owed him the most money.”

Jesus said to Simon, “You are right.” 44 Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave me no water for my feet, but she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss of greeting, but she has been kissing my feet since I came in. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she poured perfume on my feet. 47 I tell you that her many sins are forgiven, so she showed great love. But the person who is forgiven only a little will love only a little.”

48 Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

49 The people sitting at the table began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”

50 Jesus said to the woman, “Because you believed, you are saved from your sins. Go in peace.”

Merry Christmas


You are enough.

You don’t need to have it all figured out, God is enough for you. He has already gone before you to pave the way. Every detail is in His hands, come as you are. Be yourself and it is enough.

Trust that you are enough.

Trust that God will never leave you as you enter the end of 2017 into 2018.

Thank you for reading and thank you for continuing to read and support this blog!


I was just different. 

Write From your heart.


I was rejected a lot growing up. 

I didn’t do anything wrong, I was just different. 

I woke up from a dream this night with a sadness in my heart.

My childhood best friend had gotten married and served a dish there was not enough for me. I looked up to the room and silently walked out the door. This was often the case in my friendships.

I was rejected a lot growing up and I didn’t understand it. I was born in Germany and moved to Taiwan and then to America. The rejections were quiet and lethal.

I always loved people with a pure and open heart. I didn’t have an agenda. I just wanted to be loved in return, but often then not, I was ridiculed for my difference. I was different, yes.

When I made best friends, they often became part of a group I introduced them to and quietly, lethally, they would leave me.

It felt like an awful, repetitive nightmare. 

This pain took root and out of self protection I had to be numb. There was no way I could possibly FEEL everything. In fact, I didn’t think I still felt pain until I had the dream. 

So because I was so different, and it was too hard to communicate how different I was, I decided to block people out by not explaining.

Because explaining took too much effort when my heart was grieving. 

Some of these people realized I’d never fit in and it was better that they walk out and fit in then be associated with me. 

I always wondered, God what did I do wrong, why am I so different? I don’t deserve this.

But in the midst of the pain, I felt His heart beat and it was for me. Those nights I cried in my blanket, He said “I am for you”.

I didn’t understand the reason for why I was so different, but eventually I would own and embrace my difference.

“You were made to be different, I never wanted you to fit in.”


100 Bucket List & Shanghai Local Eats

I’m eating lunch at a taiwanese restaurant called YongKang. I also bought a 100 bucket list journal…a few things I wrote:

1. Go to the top of the Eiffel tower

2. Go scuba diving

3. Live somewhere outside of the us for more than 6 months from now on.

4. Get married to the man of my dreams and have a loving marriage

wifi is really slow here so I will write later! I also found a Japanese restaurant and was so hungry I forgot to take pictures 😜🤣

Ps- I had to change the formatting of my photos because it was taking too long to load a story individual images.


I got a haircut today for 30 yuan.

Enjoy my pictures of Shanghai and some of the food I had. I love spicy cold noodles.

I also love the miniso here…I spent an hour there yesterday. I’ll post photos of my trip with myself mom soon! Xoxo