Friendship

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Recently the Lord will tell me to go see people and I will Him say “go see ______” but then that person will say “no maybe another time”. But God knows what His children are going through so when I do talk to them it turns out they’re going through a hard time. I pastor lost sheep too. So my heart can feel what someone is going through, and God will show me. 

I told someone “you don’t have to be alone, you don’t have to struggle alone”.

He said “I’ve got to just go through it alone”.

I started to.cry because that’s how I was. I didn’t know how to ask for help or to be comforted. I would show my best face. The truth is I’ve been going through a lot emotionally. I’m starting to feel my heart in ways I’ve never felt before. I cried 3 times yesterday.

I’ve become more tender. I can feel my heart in a deeper way. I had a dream I was praying over people in tongues. I met one girl who said she also spoke in tongues.

Yesterday the Lord led me to two people on the beach and gave me a word about them. I hugged them and felt my heart hurt. They seemed very lonely. 

Then the Lord told me to go to a bar and I spotted a man and asked if he was Christian. He said yes. I shared my story with him and amazingly he was supportive and understanding of my journey. Sometimes I get questioned and persecuted about the whole follow the Holy Spirit. My heart felt full from being understood and encouraged.

“Oh it’s family”.

I can collectively feel the pain of other lost sheep because I was also hurt and wounded, not just by the church, but by people in general. I was scared of people. I wanted to hide and I did for 2 years in the wilderness.

There is something about finding others like me that makes my heart full.

“Why won’t you let me in?”

It’s a dark place, it’s hard to tell you how I feel, but I want to be heard. 

I don’t want to do this alone. 

Reach out for help. You’re not alone.

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My Love

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I woke up at exactly 4:44.

This was what God revealed to me. The previous night I had a dream that there was someone I liked and he liked me and we were sitting in the backseat. The guy I didn’t like as much was outside the car. The guy inside the car wanted to kiss me but didn’t and I thought maybe it was my hair, maybe it was stinky.

Let me ask you, “what prevents you from love?”

What stops you from going after love? From the one you actually want to be with? 

Do you go after the one that seems easy, safe, comfortable?

Or do you go after your true heart’s desire? Do you go after the one that is already chasing you? The one who is sort of attractive but not what you want?

After God started bringing a bunch of divine appointments, some that were actually romantic God revealed to me a few things…

I realized that I would hang out with someone who was not attractive to me out of thinking that I had to minister to them. It was safe essentially.

I had several occurrences having to do with a friend-

  1. A guy that texted or called me who I thought was romantically interested in me actually hit on my friend in front of me, lied to me and then admitted he was hitting on my friend.
  2. A guy that I previously turned down asked for my friend’s number because he was interested in her

I realize that I didn’t appreciate their actions because I felt like I was essentially sharing my best friend with them and there was a lot of unnecessary drama. It was not good for my heart. I felt like I was not receiving what I deserved. I had greedy guy friends that took the easy route.

So I had met this guy that I was actually attracted to at the beach after another guy tried to hit on me. I was not attracted to him physically even though he was Christian.

So here’s the deal- I realize that my heart was afraid to go after what I actually wanted. I had a breakthrough yesterday. 

I deserve to have all the attention of one man. I didn’t need to share that attention. I didn’t need to feel guilty for not sharing. I could receive the love I deserved. 

I didn’t need to settle for less, I didn’t need to feel guilty for not liking someone for their looks. I didn’t need to give any men attention out of pity because that’s essentially how I felt. Maybe I felt bad that they were so lonely that I spent time with them.

I didn’t need to.

I needed to go after what I actually wanted, whoever it was.

I was afraid of heartbreak.

I thought that if he wasn’t the one there was no point in spending anymore time with them, yet I was okay spending time with the ones that were safe….

The ones I would never have romantic emotions towards. 

The ones that were like father figures. 

The ones that were not physically attractive to me.

Those were safe, because they were never going to break my heart. 

My heart would never want to be in love with them. I would never fall in love with them. I would never invest emotions into them.

It was safe, but it required no risk. I may never see them again, these were people I ministered to, not loved romantically. They were family but would never be a lover.

Here’s the breakthrough I had.

I finally just gunned for what I wanted, and liked. There was no reason or rhyme, no logic.

I threw off the guilt of neglecting the one that I wasn’t interested in. He waited for me, called me, I felt bad for leaving him. There is good old guilt. But why did I need to feel guilty for going after what I want?

Here’s the dilemma in life…….

guilt versus desire

I’m not going to feel bad for going after what I want anymore. 

I’m not going to feel bad for being happy.

I deserve to have someone all to myself.

I am no longer sharing.

I deserve love that is exclusive. 

I deserve to have what’s mine.

Are you ready for a love worth risking for?

Why invest time into someone you don’t even want to be with? There’s playing safe and there’s plunging deep.

Here’s how love works-

One party needs to admit they love you, or like you and you like or love them back. Often times there is one party that does not want to invest all of them into another party. They are not ready for commitment nor want to be vulnerable enough for that kind of relationship.

And that’s okay.

But even at an emotional level….when’s the last time you simply admitted you liked someone and had that reciprocated on a plain simple term.

It is not complicated, but we are so afraid to be heart broken that we play games.

When you accept the fact that you are worthy to receive all the love from one person, you will start to realize that you were settling for less the whole time because you really did not believe you deserved it….because it’s safer to have less than the whole package.

If it fails, you won’t feel like it’s your fault

It’s not your fault, this is all a process.

Are you ready to gun it?

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Say Yes To Dating

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I made a video on instagram live about some realizations I had about dating.

Here’s what I realized….

  1. Many guys I’m physically attracted to often lack the emotional or spiritual maturity that I am looking for
  2. People who make me feel safe emotionally (and are emotionally open and vulnerable) are like father figures to me but aren’t physically attractive to me

Here are ways that I feel loved:

  1. When someone tells me the truth even if it’s counter what I believe, but can still be kind and loving towards me
  2. When someone buys me food, clothes, gifts, or gives me money (since these were not things I received from my father but when I did see my father these were things he tried to give me)
  3. When people hug me
  4. When people ask me questions about myself and take the time to listen
  5. When people compliment me and say words of encouragement to me

There were a few men I turned down that could talk to me on an emotional level and were emotionally mature but were not physically attractive to me….I don’t really understand why God did that, I’m sure it’s just because I haven’t met many men that are both physically attractive and emotionally attractive.

One guy told me that I would come around and see that he was the better option, but I told him that was not the case because even though I was emotionally attracted I was not physically attracted to him.

Here’s the test – can you imagine yourself kissing him?

One guy tried to lean in for a kiss and I backed off.

I realize I could not see myself kissing him because he was not physically attractive to me. Even though I felt safe and at peace, I felt no spark. 

Talking about dating has helped my mother open up to me. I asked her a few questions and the answers were surprising.

She never saw another penis other than my dad’s. I know. I was shocked but she was back in the days, they were much more conservative. I told her nowadays guys ask to get a room with you when you’ve just met him.

Men are strange but interesting creatures. They are beautiful but also weird. So are women. We are all strange and beautiful creatures.

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God Told Me To Write About Sex

98307202_10163665291360603_8937155777026588672_nI heard the Lord say “write about sex”.

We live in a societal standard of quick and temporary pleasure. Ubereats, uber, app dates, tinder.

Yesterday I had a divine appointment (an appointment set up by the Lord). My friend wanted to go to Veggie Grill and we met this guy with a Chinese straw hat and buddhist necklace on his chest in the parking lot…we started talking to him. For some reason the celery and fake Vegan buffalo wings looked good, though I never eat Vegan food because I am very Carnivorous. I love animals, don’t get me wrong.

We talked a bit and I just felt like he really needed a hug. Our initial plan was to go to the beach and I felt the Lord say “go with him” so I told my friend I would meet with her at the beach and that I would ride with him to get to the beach.

I don’t know how our conversation led to sex but I said that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. This is something I talk about with strangers and guys who hit on me, or basically every divine appointment now. Most of my divine appointments are guys now. 

He said he had a porn addiction, not anymore I don’t think but he did. I said that the reason people watch porn is because they’re not expressing themselves emotionally. I admitted that I was feeling emotionally numb and I had watched a bit of porn (and I haven’t done so in a year or so).

I knew there was going to be more healing in our conversation.

Then I heard the Lord say “go to Pasadena”.

I told my friend that I would meet up with her later but that I was going to go for a drive with this guy.

He told me that it was weird because he met two other virgins on Tinder. Sometimes as we were talking he’d look at a woman with a sports bra on and he’d say “I can’t stop staring at her”. He said had anal sex with someone a few days ago. It felt really good. I cringed. I will never try anal sex. To me that is where poop comes from.

I told him that I know my vagina or clit probably better than women have sex. I orgasm too.

I told him that I started masturbating when I was 6 or 7. I was on the floor and I starting grinding on my knuckles. I was neglected as a kid, I didn’t get emotional support. I saw my parents throwing stuff at each other, yelling. I was scared. I didn’t know who to talk to so I self-gratified to feel better. I didn’t know what I was doing. Later on I felt guilty for doing it because that’s what church taught me. So I’d pray to God “dear God, forgive me of my sins”.

Later on I learned that Jesus already died for all my sins.

And the deeper root of something like porn addiction or masturbation comes from not being able to express ourselves and have safe intimate relationships and emotional support. 

My mom used to yell, we never just talked about our emotions. She never asked me how I was feeling. I just listened to her vent. It was what people call “emotional incest” in psychology. I became the emotional adult, soaking in all the complaints and negativity. I was a kid but I became a therapist. I was an empath, I got shingles when I was 14. I was stressed and I didn’t tell people about my problems. No one knew behind the smile and laughter that I put on.

It was a lie.

But people loved my lie.

Okay so back to the ride with the guy. He starts complaining to me “why are we going to Pasadena, it is so far! I just came from there? What is the point?”

I can hear the anger.

I said “something needs to be healed”. He confessed to me two girls did black magic on him yesterday. I felt something pressing on my head and starting praying to bind the witchcraft and demonic entity, casting out any spirits that were oppressing him as well.

He was Buddhist but he grew up Catholic. He did chants. I told him that he needed to be careful as some chants are demonic and witchcraft invites spirits to attack him. He said that he didn’t really believe Jesus was the only way but Jesus did appear to him a few days ago in a dream. A white bright light.

He starts getting angrier in the car, he starts yelling “you’re driving too fast, slow down”.

I can feel myself clenching my butt in nervousness.

We arrive at a park and I feel weird. I need to cry so I start crying. We hug and I tell him that I don’t like it when people yell at me because it reminds me of my mom. I don’t like anger, my mom was angry her whole life. She was quick to be angry so I would suppress my anger because I never wanted someone to feel guilty or bad because of my anger. 

I can see his heart softening but there is still more.

We drive back to the beach and he confesses to me that his ex cheated on him and he was angry. He would go back and forth from angry to sane. Honestly in my mind I was wondering “God why did you send him to me?”

Well, I did cry, so I did need that.

I have been dealing with men for the last 5 months and I have learned a lot about men. Sometimes I get mad, I get upset, I want to hate them, and sometimes my heart softens up and I understand they are broken and in pain. I don’t really understand them.

My friend and I go back and forth about men. She had a guy yell at her and be verbally abusive. I don’t get that either, God why did you send the most abusive lost sheep to her.

I shared with the guy that I had cheated on my ex before too. My ex was not emotionally open and when I got attention from elsewhere I felt validated and ended up cheating on my ex. 

His parents were emotionally immature too. The dad yelled all the time and his mom never listened to him. The only time he would really calm down is when I pat him on the back or gave him a hug.

His hyped up sexuality and porn addiction came from an emotionally unsafe home. We turn to different things for gratification. But after meeting hundreds of men in the last few months I have realized that the world has a real problem.

Men are not taught to be vulnerable, to cry or be okay with their emotions. This leads to excessive anger, violence, drug and porn addictions. 

Even I was taught to suppress my sadness, to not cry. Everytime my mom would yell at me I felt my heart shut down in fear. “Don’t feel anything, you’re not safe”. Masturbation was my go to to feel anything because after I climaxed I would cry and be able to feel my emotions, and that emotion was usually pain.

I have learned for a year to express my emotions with a friend of mine. God tells us to tell people how we feel. I’ve told my mother that she hurt me by yelling at me, I’ve told her that I didn’t feel safe. God has also told me my husband is coming soon.

I have divine appointments with men everyday.

One night the Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I got a ride from an older gentleman. I asked him to buy my dinner (as the Lord often leads me to do). He suggested we get a room. In my mind I was like “wow creeper”. I told him that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and I was not interested in having sex with him.

But he was Catholic and I knew there was healing to be done. We talked at the park. He said that his wife cheated on him. He didn’t know for a long time. His friend told him. After that he started sleeping with younger women. He showed me pictures of them. They were beautiful but all they wanted was his money. He said the only reason he drove lyft was because he was lonely. He had no one to talk to at night after work.

He wanted someone to go home to.

Yet he was sleeping with women at first meeting. I said that he could not expect to find a woman who is willing to stay with him if he just sleeps with them in the beginning. He kept saying “waiting for marriage” was outdated thinking. He said he thought that 20 years ago. He said that he was a taxi driver outside a club and many women would take revenge on their boyfriends by sleeping with him. They’d get a room.

He complained that he bought me dinner but he couldn’t even get a kiss?

I said “I’m not a prostitute, I’m a prophet”.

“Yes but we are man and woman, that’s what they do”

“Just because you are man and woman does not mean you have to have sex”

He dropped me off and I prophesied to him. “Open your heart to love”.

The next day I felt super gross about how he acted and left him a message. I said that woman are not pieces of meat, they are daughters of God. Again I questioned God, why did you lead me to him?

But after the episode with the Buddhist I realize why God leads me to these people.

None of us are perfect and God has me minister to broken people. I hugged the young man and said as the Lord spoke to me “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent your ex from cheating, God loves you, He says you are His son”. He looked like he was going to cry but he didn’t. 

I did though. I felt the pain.

When I was younger, I was afraid to feel pain at times. I didn’t feel safe to cry around my mother. I got yelled at for crying.

Now, I embrace the tears, I cry for people. I cry with people. It is amazing to feel.

I told him that I never had emotional support and now I realize I need that place of vulnerability with a guy. I need to connect on an emotional level with a man, not just physical.

He understood this but he said “see that woman with a bra, you probably have much more love than her but I still can’t stop staring”. 

I said “you accept what you’re used to. If you didn’t get emotional support, you’re comfortable with just physical pleasure”.

It’s time to receive the Love you really deserve….the type of love that doesn’t judge you for crying, or being vulnerable. You deserve to be heard and understood.

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Break Out of Fear and Live in Freedom

God wants us to STEP OUT in faith. 

Many times we ARE focused on everything going our way, we want control of how people ACT towards us, we get angry when they don’t act the way we want them to. 

So when we are heart broken, we don’t try again. We don’t want to come out of our comfort zone because we didn’t FEEL safe. But God is like, no, break out of it. 

YOU ARE SAFE AND GOD IS WITH YOU!

Pictures from San Francisco- God was guiding me each step and I met a bunch of divine appointments 

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Codependent Love

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I don’t like this process. I hate it.

One minute I am in la la land, one minute I am having to turn someone down and break their hearts. Oh, relationships are complicated and complex. Humans are complex.

How about I just get to the end of this process.

Life would be easier.

Or would it?

Would simply meeting my husband make my life easier?

Probably not, that comes with more complex things.

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong”

“hurting people feels like a bitch”- me

“You are not responsible for peoples’ happiness, I am, I am the one that holds peoples’ hearts, I am the one who protects them, not even people can protect their own hearts. Self-protection is not what I want, I want people to surrender to me so I can do a work in their heart”

“I want to make things better”- me

“You cannot”- God

“I wish I never met some of these people, maybe that’ll make life easier”- me

“there is too much pain in this world”- me

“I have overcome this world, I have already conquered the pain for you”

“I want to crawl into a hole and not talk to people again”

“Don’t do that, come out everyday, make a choice to trust me”-God

“Maybe I don’t trust you right now”

“Trust me”- God

Yesterday I met a homeless guy who said his dad wants nothing to do with him. It really hurt my heart but I am learning to release problems to God. God I pray for everyone I talk to and minister to that you may help them Lord, open their hearts to love and open my heart to love. Help me not to close my heart to love in Jesus name. Amen.

I always thought relationships were tiresome or burdensome because I didn’t grow up with healthy examples of interdependent relationships. If someone was upset or angry, I felt responsible for making them feel better. I had to learn to release their problems to God and not carry them on my shoulders.

I am not responsible for peoples’ pain or for making them feel better.

Pray for me to continually release peoples’ burdens to God.

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A Letter To God

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Dear God,

I woke up at 5:30am and you said to write a letter to you.

So here goes. I think nowadays people have a hard time relating. They don’t ask questions anymore and they don’t talk anymore. People just tell you what to do. They don’t talk about their feelings. I guess sometimes I have a hard time telling you what’s on my heart too because maybe I feel like you don’t care? Or because my dad never seemed to care. But it’s not true. You do care. You care a lot. But it’s weird how we think you don’t.

At church, we were taught to just listen. We weren’t allowed to have an opinion.

When I started singing something not on the page, people got mad, what the heck is singing in the spirit? They didn’t understand it. I felt super judged then.

We live in a society filled with judgement and hate. There is no understanding. It’s only about right or wrong. There is no two way street, it’s a one way street and it’s a fast street, a highway really.

A lot of times I felt like I had to explain myself and that came with a lot of strife. There was no listening on the other person’s part….or fast reactions, as if peoples’ identity depended on being right. 

I guess people don’t listen or relate anymore. People don’t write letters to each other or really take the time to understand each other.

Yesterday I tried to talk to a friend and he was very vague about how he felt, everything seemed blurry. I wondered if maybe when he tried to share how he felt, people dismissed him or judged him.

I find it sad that people pass fast remarks. People love to judge, it’s like they get a gold award for judging, it puzzles me. 

Maybe that’s why people freak out when I prophesy something to them they don’t want to hear, because they think you are trying to control them. That puzzles me too. You’ve never shown yourself to be a tyrant and the only reason you lead me to anything or anywhere or anyone is because you care for me. 

But yah sometimes I can get caught up with the people I meet too that I forget about my own needs. Like I’ve been wanting to eat more fruits and vegetables but I haven’t had the time to buy groceries.

I think it’s because I just want to relate to people.

When I call my mom she gives me a one word, two sentence call. It’s always something practical, there’s no emotions there. My dad, well he doesn’t talk to me, so there is no relating there.

But I also find getting close to people strange and weird, I feel my heart shutting down when I am understood. Yesterday I had a divine appointment and he went on a semi-rant, a very heady logical rant about some heady intellectual concept.

When we stop relating, we start becoming logical and legalistic. 

I feel overwhelmed by the process of learning to be in relationship with people. I realize maybe I never really knew how. Or I did, but seems like I often pushed aside my emotions or feelings because I didn’t want people to leave or abandon me.

Yesterday I told someone how I felt and he was not happy. I pissed him off. Or actually what you told me to tell him pissed him off. You do a good job of giving me messages that piss people off, this I’m also annoyed by. Why use me as a messenger when I can just be a normal person who puts their head down?

My friend said following you is way hard and maybe she doesn’t want to follow you all the way, but I know that it’s worth it.

Because I’m on the other side of having been in the prison as Joseph was. I was denied and betrayed, thrown in the pit. I followed you even when my mom turned against me and my own friends stopped helping me, I followed you into the dark, with a suitcase, not knowing how I would survive, where I would sleep or what I would eat.

I faced my BIGGEST fears.

The fear of judgement, rejection, starvation, of being homeless, of possibly being killed or assaulted, etc. I had to TRUST YOU with my life because not everyone wants to land in a foreign country by themselves….and especially NOT have a plan, which is what happened. You told me not to book where I will stay because you said someone will house me. I had to trust you completely.

Remember when I went to Samoa and you told me not to book anything? You told me to talk to the person next to me on the plane and even ask for a donation as he was going to help me?

I was surprised he gave after I told him my testimony. He didn’t question me like the others.

I got off the plane with the money he gave me (as I had probably $20-30 in cash and that’s it) and then I asked him for a ride. In the car was a mother and two kids, one named Rebecca Mia (Rebecca the gift). I felt you asking me to ask her to stay with her. 

She responded “this morning I cleaned out the guest room, I felt like someone was coming”. She was also Christian. We had more in common than I expected. More so that her life experience was similar to my mother’s. We shared a commonality in pain. 

But you have such a great way of leading me to people that have a similar story. We bond when we cry together, but sometimes it can be difficult. Sometimes and maybe because of betrayal, silence of my father, I feel that I’ve suddenly retreated into myself and not want to talk to you on an emotional level.

Hey God do you hear me?

Yes- I’m here.

You should ask me some questions, because that’s what fathers do.

What’s your favorite color? My favorite color is pink right now, it used to be orange and I also like black and blue. I like the rainbow.

Who do you like? I like my friend, I like talking to her, but recently she doesn’t really like you it seems, maybe because you’ve been trying to set her free and it’s never fun to confront our deepest fears. I also like a few other friends, people I have interests in…but they’re not all nice all the time, I find people difficult sometimes.

Like not everyone says what’s on their mind and it’s frustrating. There are also guys who lie to themselves and say they can just be friends but deep down, they’ll be heart broken if they know they’ll never have a real chance with me.

I don’t like to hurt people. Dating is weird. Dating is very strange to me. Why talk or converse when you know they’re just not it.

But I think dating is really about learning to relate and talk to each other.

Dear God, I have a rash on my neck, please heal it in Jesus name. I hear “fear of the unknown”. I cast out the fear of the unknown now in Jesus name.

I guess that’s how I feel about the future….everyday I tell people how I feel, I meet divine appointments, I’m okay flowing with you God, I like doing it.

However, people are unpredictable. One moment they are nice and the next, they are triggered. People have so many triggers, they get angry really fast. That scares me. I guess it reminds me of my mom. She was – wow- too much? And maybe because of her, I’ve toned down my emotions and shut down my heart. But now I know it’s okay to be angry or sad. 

We always want to be in control and when we are not, we freak out. I notice people will do anything to be in control of their emotions, they don’t want their true colors to show. Apparently, you’ve used my mother to train me to not be afraid of peoples’ reactions. 

Because it is obvious that people have all kinds of triggers. They even get mad if I say the word trigger.

Anyways, I’ve talked enough. Let’s talk later.

Signing off….

How do I feel?

I feel a bit annoyed by what happened today. You just love to use me to piss people off by telling them the truth. But I’d rather be honest than to BS, I’ve done enough people pleasing in my life, I’m done with that. I also love the show Never Have I Ever. It is awesome, one day I’ll write a tv show like that, but better. Of course the main character will be an Asian girl. I’ll probably write a tv show about my life. It’s been a wild ride.

Rebekka

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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The Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I was talking to someone I had already met on the bus before and this man with a pot came on the bus. I felt led to talk to him so I left the elder that I was talking to.

He said he was going to San Francisco with just the clothes off his back. He had a pot for drumming. He told me he was a foster kid, adopted, and had 5 brothers.

God told me to tell him to go home and that he was worthy of love. We spent a few hours talking at the park. I asked him if he had any money for food and got him some food. Sometimes people feed me and sometimes I feed them. I felt sad that he felt like he had to change himself to be loved by people.

I spent many hours and days of my life fixing myself before I hung out with people. I tried to cheer people up by being a cheerleader, by always being in a good mood. But the truth is, I was crying at home.

Now I can present an authentic self to people…..though it hasn’t always been this way. 

People get offended when I say I minister to lost sheep, but that is the truth. God told me that I pastor lost sheep. I was lost too, I didn’t have anyone “shepherding” me but it’s because everyone who tried to help me tried to control me. So I’ve found a way to love people who are heavily wounded.

It’s not always easy though. Sometimes I get hurt in the process of loving people. But then I’m also honest about how I feel. Look, in the past I would’ve been like “oh yah, I forgive you”, but now I’m more honest.

“Hey, I don’t get this situation, and I’m still mad so give me some time to process”.

Instead of coming up with a blanket reply that will ease any tension….which is what I used to do, be the “better person” but then write off all my emotions.