I went through a lot this weekend and made a video telling people how I felt. I felt really depressed and on the rv I was on felt suicidal after people said what they did on the stream. I don’t want to have any part to do with that community. I’ve always made positive content to encourage people in their lives, to pursue their dreams.
God has been really growing me in the area of relationships. I was seeing someone for 2 months and I’d have this horrible numb, anxiety when I was alone apart from him. We weren’t in an exclusive relationship yet because I wanted to make sure he was “the one”.
This horrible numb feeling scared me.
I would hold my emotions in and would not be able to feel my emotions around anyone.
When I talked to my friend about it and asked him to pray for me I realized it was this nagging fear that “I would lose him”. This fear of losing someone drove me to numb my heart and I would implode.
What triggered this feeling was when my neighbor moved away to New York.
When I said goodbye to him I felt my heart implode again.
I was trying to take a nap and could not feel any emotions.
God showed me a vision of myself saying goodbye to my dad when I was 8. I remembered that like it was yesterday. This fear of losing someone kept me from wanting to be close to anyone or to feel my emotions.
I’ve practiced learning to let my emotions out, instead of imploding or numbing myself. I’ve learned to cry in front of people and let them know how I feel.
It’s been a really long process.
Do you struggle with feeling your emotions?
Do you numb yourself?
Are you scared of losing someone and that fear keeps you from having your own life?
Today the Lord led me to a ramen place and immediately my heart felt led to sit next to this lady. She said she got married recently. She told me she knew her husband for 7 years but they didn’t see themselves in a relationship. They had different life circumstances.
Then she said “oh I know a girl name Rebecca too that just got married!” She told me it was her coworker.
Yesterday I had a dream I was eating with someone like my aunt and I think this was the lady I was supposed to meet.
I’ve been learning a lot about relationships. Sometimes I’ll have issues with someone I am seeing and I’ll start googling-
“What do you do when a man lashes out?”
“What do you do when man shut down?”
I didn’t realize how clueless I was to men’s behavior. Obviously not every guy is the same.
I never really felt that close to anyone and God brought someone that I felt closer to than anyone I’ve met.
I had to google-
“Extroverts and introverts” because I started noticing really vast differences that was making us fight. The thing is I did not want to commit to anyone right now because I don’t know if that person really wants marriage so I’ve opted to “seeing” people.
I realize my fear of intimacy stopped me from overcoming the fear when it came down to it…the fear of getting attached or abandoned was huge.
There were times I felt completely abandoned and that the guy had no desire to try.
Things I’ve learned from dating and interacting with men-
Be honest, don’t hide your truth even if it hurts them.
Learn to ask for what you want
Say what’s on your heart
When you allow yourself to be truthful and authentic you’ll get what you want!
Last night I had a very intense dream I wanted to share with you. AS you know a few years ago God showed me in a dream when I get rid of babies in my dress (false responsibility) I’ll be able to get married.
Last night I had a dream my mom was supposed to go on a date but the guy who showed up was way younger and he bailed and didn’t want to pay for the meal.
I felt bad for her and was angry. I believe it was symbolic for the tragedies she went through and how I felt bad for her. My dad cheated on her and I felt bad for her most of my life. I tried to compensate for it by either being angry for her or trying to help her feel better.
This is false responsibility.
It’s not my responsibility to make her feel better, it’s not my responsibility to make it right for her. Its her job to work through her issues and forgive my dad and men in general.
In the next scenes I was at a hostel and I realized that I was bored and overstaying my time there.
I’ve experienced this when I was traveling and following the spirit. God would show me that I was overstaying my time there because I’d end up in a situation that was not ideal (like cleaning the hostel and working) instead of flowing with the Holy Spirit and setting people free (using my mouth to prophesy).
There are several situations in my life that I realized has been bogging me down and I kind of saw it as love and care, but God is addressing that it is false responsibility.
Trying to be there for my mom, feeling guilty for not being able to spend time with her.
Trying to be there for someone I like, but then God is showing me it’s more because I want to take care of him, versus I’m in the flow of the spirit.
Taking on too many peoples’ issues and responsibilities, feeling obligated to reply to peoples’ texts and messages, not doing things out of desire, not setting boundaries between what I want and what others want.
In this dream a Japanese girl hired another woman to teach her roller skating.
In the dream I thought I should teach someone how to do the most basic things. However, I felt suppressed and “voiceless”.
Whenever I have a dream about Japanese culture, it’s something to do with not speaking up or feeling voiceless (because of the culture of politeness). Even though the woman hired a teacher for something so basic, in the dream it was negative because it taught that you did not have a mind of your own and needed someone to teach you everything instead of learning to fail.
I had been doing that with someone in my life, teaching him how to get out of his comfort zone. However, it was false responsibility and I often took that on in my friendships and relationships.
I hand held a lot of people in the past.
In the dream I then said I needed to go so I started cleaning up my stuff and packing.
One girl told me “if you keep moving how will you rest?” and I said “I get energy from moving”.
I had a jewelry box that was weighing me down and I asked my old friend if she wanted it. She said yes but I as hesitant to give it to her. I packed up my jewelry but they had hair in it. I believe God is removing bitterness and resentment in the past having to do with friendships.
In the dream I went to Taiwan and I saw a few of my high school friends. I felt happy and was elated that we were in the same place same time.
The last couple of days the Lord has led me to people I knew from the past (friends). The Lord told me to go to Spanglish Kitchen and I saw a high school friend, then yesterday I felt led to go to Copa Vida and I saw another friend that I used to know.
Keep moving= I hear the Lord say.
Whatever situation you are in in life, keep moving and don’t hold onto resentment of the past.
I had a dream yesterday I was in a museum and I was scared of men so I hid inside the museum (the past). The Lord has been helping me remove trauma of the past and move forward.
BUT YOU’ve GOT TO KEEP MOVING! KEEP MOVING! Sometimes it’s as easy as not staying at home and moving out of your head and into talking to people, moving, getting out of your comfort zone. Move!
You weren’t there for me so I sought validation, accomplishments and awards
Little did I know that I wanted a conversation- communication I want to be understood and accepted
You say that I never listen but you were never there for me so what is there to listen to I want you to say “how are you, how are you doing?”
I want you to care about me not just yourself
When I did visit you you only talked about yourself you never asked me how I lived the last 30 years of my life
You never asked If I liked a boy or did I do well in my class, my opinion didn’t seem to matter to you
So later on in life I listen to people talk about themselves and it was easy for me because I didn’t have to show up or take up space I have a lot to show off, I have accomplished a lot and I’m very talented, but I often downplayed myself to make others feel better
You sent me videos about yourself lecturing, but what did this have to do with me? I wish you asked about how I felt. You never did.
And so I suffocated in silence. It took me 33 years to really learn how to take up space, to show up, to say what’s on my mind, to stop being fake and upset a few people
To stop being so nice, so pleasing to everyone but myself I stopped being a doormat, I started screaming if I had to, I started cutting people off if they kept talking I let out the rage and it worked I stopped suppressing myself to accommodate toxic people who used me for their gains I found my voice.
You want someone that understands your heart, not just your head.
Today I met someone that understood dreams and visions, and asked about what I had to prophesy to him. I had this weird clear feeling in my heart.
This is a pure spirit, someone who is actually hungry for truth.
Then I realized that some people were not on the same level as me, and they were bringing me down.
Some of them often complained to me, discouraged me or even put me down. Some of them insulted me or criticized me. Some had no hunger for anything of God.
Of course there are various personalities and everyone is different but when God told me to go higher He meant it.
I prophesied to him that he must go higher, that there are people dragging him down. I saw a vision of him getting out of mud. I told him he needed to release or fade away from people that did not encourage him to move higher.
I was speaking to myself. This was clear to me.
He listened to my podcast, an episode about Disneyland and going after my heart’s desires.
He asked if I always wrote down my dreams and I said no.
Going after the things of the Spirit instead of being this person who takes on false responsibility to take care of others.
I’m supposed to set people free by relaying a message to them, not be burdened to take care of them.
I’m supposed to send the two edged sword of truth to pierce through their spirit and bring light and clarity into their muddied situation.
I also heard the Lord say “don’t punish yourself for the past, live in freedom, you’ve been forgiven, don’t be afraid to make mistakes”.
I guess you can say for the last month, because of all the crazy things that’s happened, I blamed myself for trusting people and feeling betrayed, I blamed myself for things that weren’t even my fault.
But now clarity, you are pure in God’s eyes.
You are not condemned.
Today I got a reminder of this, I received an email stating I am receiving a settlement for a company I worked for, this amount was the same amount as this speeding ticket I got a few weeks ago.
Your debt is cleared, you are forgiven. You are free. Run!
He had mommy issues and I had daddy issues. We both had trauma.
That’s the story of most of our lives, we choose partners or fall into romantic relationships to heal the trauma, the trauma that we all had.
But it doesn’t mean you stop there, you keep healing and keep moving. You can’t stop with the trauma that one guy has, so at the end….you heal to the point God brings your husband, the husband that will give you the love you didn’t have, and he’ll still be imperfect.
But through it all, the process, you learn from each person what you need to learn.
I learned today this guy saw his dad get arrested when he was 4, his mom left to another state when he was very young, and there was the insecurity of her never coming back.
I was at the airport when I saw my dad for the last time within 10 years.
Trauma, we all have some trauma.
I was scared to love, because loving meant giving all of me.
Loving meant pouring out the love that was meant for a loving father, a person that should have been there for me, but he wasn’t.
So when I finally get a token of love, I pour out all of my heart. This heart that had all this love to give, but nowhere to go.
A mom who yelled and accused, I couldn’t show her love, it was scary to show love.
The heart that wanted to love my dad, who I didn’t grow up with, he was too far away and absent to show or receive love.
And when I gave, I went bankrupt.
People took all of me, not realizing that they were not giving anything of theirs. I forgave over and over because deep down my mom loves me, even though she says we are not family.
I forgave over and over even when my dad continued to disappear even when I flew 11 hours to see him. I forgave until my heart couldn’t break anymore and yet it continues to, it must be a miracle that I could cry this much. How is it possible that I can continue to cry when most people would go numb.
I forgave when he stopped talking to me for 2 years after I visited him.
When is it my turn, to receive love?
Why does it seem so easy for other people?
When I receive love, I end up giving more and I am left with nothing again. It feels like that, and then just more tears, more feelings of abandonment.
Until I realize they don’t all leave, people don’t give up on each other. That’s just the pattern I saw. People giving up, people walking away, people stop communicating, people avoiding each other. Everyone of my family.
I learn to ASK FOR WHAT I NEED. Instead of ALLOWING my mom to avoid me, or ignore my calls, I called until she picked up. I say what I need to say now, instead of ALLOWING people to punish me with their silence. I tell them that it hurts me when they ignore me. I tell them how I feel, this is ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
You are NOT too much. Your needs are important.
You are not a burden, you are a gift and your NEEDS matter. Your heart matters, so speak up and call as many times as you need to. Text as many times as you need to. Don’t be afraid of being a burden.
I used to allow people to just ignore me and God would tell me to persist and not give up. I realize he was teaching me not to give up on what I want, which is communication.
PUT A DEMAND ON IT – God would tell me. PUT A DEMAND BY PERSISTING.
Wow. He broke off the fear of BEING TOO MUCH. If you are always afraid of bothering people, you most likely are a people pleaser and you don’t give attention to your needs, always allowing others to be first.