Friendship

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Recently the Lord will tell me to go see people and I will Him say “go see ______” but then that person will say “no maybe another time”. But God knows what His children are going through so when I do talk to them it turns out they’re going through a hard time. I pastor lost sheep too. So my heart can feel what someone is going through, and God will show me. 

I told someone “you don’t have to be alone, you don’t have to struggle alone”.

He said “I’ve got to just go through it alone”.

I started to.cry because that’s how I was. I didn’t know how to ask for help or to be comforted. I would show my best face. The truth is I’ve been going through a lot emotionally. I’m starting to feel my heart in ways I’ve never felt before. I cried 3 times yesterday.

I’ve become more tender. I can feel my heart in a deeper way. I had a dream I was praying over people in tongues. I met one girl who said she also spoke in tongues.

Yesterday the Lord led me to two people on the beach and gave me a word about them. I hugged them and felt my heart hurt. They seemed very lonely. 

Then the Lord told me to go to a bar and I spotted a man and asked if he was Christian. He said yes. I shared my story with him and amazingly he was supportive and understanding of my journey. Sometimes I get questioned and persecuted about the whole follow the Holy Spirit. My heart felt full from being understood and encouraged.

“Oh it’s family”.

I can collectively feel the pain of other lost sheep because I was also hurt and wounded, not just by the church, but by people in general. I was scared of people. I wanted to hide and I did for 2 years in the wilderness.

There is something about finding others like me that makes my heart full.

“Why won’t you let me in?”

It’s a dark place, it’s hard to tell you how I feel, but I want to be heard. 

I don’t want to do this alone. 

Reach out for help. You’re not alone.

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My Love

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I woke up at exactly 4:44.

This was what God revealed to me. The previous night I had a dream that there was someone I liked and he liked me and we were sitting in the backseat. The guy I didn’t like as much was outside the car. The guy inside the car wanted to kiss me but didn’t and I thought maybe it was my hair, maybe it was stinky.

Let me ask you, “what prevents you from love?”

What stops you from going after love? From the one you actually want to be with? 

Do you go after the one that seems easy, safe, comfortable?

Or do you go after your true heart’s desire? Do you go after the one that is already chasing you? The one who is sort of attractive but not what you want?

After God started bringing a bunch of divine appointments, some that were actually romantic God revealed to me a few things…

I realized that I would hang out with someone who was not attractive to me out of thinking that I had to minister to them. It was safe essentially.

I had several occurrences having to do with a friend-

  1. A guy that texted or called me who I thought was romantically interested in me actually hit on my friend in front of me, lied to me and then admitted he was hitting on my friend.
  2. A guy that I previously turned down asked for my friend’s number because he was interested in her

I realize that I didn’t appreciate their actions because I felt like I was essentially sharing my best friend with them and there was a lot of unnecessary drama. It was not good for my heart. I felt like I was not receiving what I deserved. I had greedy guy friends that took the easy route.

So I had met this guy that I was actually attracted to at the beach after another guy tried to hit on me. I was not attracted to him physically even though he was Christian.

So here’s the deal- I realize that my heart was afraid to go after what I actually wanted. I had a breakthrough yesterday. 

I deserve to have all the attention of one man. I didn’t need to share that attention. I didn’t need to feel guilty for not sharing. I could receive the love I deserved. 

I didn’t need to settle for less, I didn’t need to feel guilty for not liking someone for their looks. I didn’t need to give any men attention out of pity because that’s essentially how I felt. Maybe I felt bad that they were so lonely that I spent time with them.

I didn’t need to.

I needed to go after what I actually wanted, whoever it was.

I was afraid of heartbreak.

I thought that if he wasn’t the one there was no point in spending anymore time with them, yet I was okay spending time with the ones that were safe….

The ones I would never have romantic emotions towards. 

The ones that were like father figures. 

The ones that were not physically attractive to me.

Those were safe, because they were never going to break my heart. 

My heart would never want to be in love with them. I would never fall in love with them. I would never invest emotions into them.

It was safe, but it required no risk. I may never see them again, these were people I ministered to, not loved romantically. They were family but would never be a lover.

Here’s the breakthrough I had.

I finally just gunned for what I wanted, and liked. There was no reason or rhyme, no logic.

I threw off the guilt of neglecting the one that I wasn’t interested in. He waited for me, called me, I felt bad for leaving him. There is good old guilt. But why did I need to feel guilty for going after what I want?

Here’s the dilemma in life…….

guilt versus desire

I’m not going to feel bad for going after what I want anymore. 

I’m not going to feel bad for being happy.

I deserve to have someone all to myself.

I am no longer sharing.

I deserve love that is exclusive. 

I deserve to have what’s mine.

Are you ready for a love worth risking for?

Why invest time into someone you don’t even want to be with? There’s playing safe and there’s plunging deep.

Here’s how love works-

One party needs to admit they love you, or like you and you like or love them back. Often times there is one party that does not want to invest all of them into another party. They are not ready for commitment nor want to be vulnerable enough for that kind of relationship.

And that’s okay.

But even at an emotional level….when’s the last time you simply admitted you liked someone and had that reciprocated on a plain simple term.

It is not complicated, but we are so afraid to be heart broken that we play games.

When you accept the fact that you are worthy to receive all the love from one person, you will start to realize that you were settling for less the whole time because you really did not believe you deserved it….because it’s safer to have less than the whole package.

If it fails, you won’t feel like it’s your fault

It’s not your fault, this is all a process.

Are you ready to gun it?

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Overcoming Rejection and No Longer Walking On Eggshells

97778308_10163614691715603_5882939738964361216_nDoes it feel like you are walking on eggshells when you’re around your parents? 

I woke up hearing “you are enough, you are beautiful, you are healthy”.

God told me “people will turn to comfort when they’ve been rejected by their parents”. A spirit of rejection causes people to turn to even the faintest idea of comfort, even if they know it is unhealthy. 

Even if you know that a person is unhealthy for you, even if you know that drugs, addictions, porn, etc is unhealthy you’ll still go to it because you feel rejected by your parents or there is a feeling of “walking on eggshells”. 

I don’t feel safe is what you feel and say to yourself. 

God has been putting me through a process of healing. I realize that I have a hard time just going to bed if I feel like I am not being vulnerable with my mother when she is at home. Once I’m in bed I knock out though.

There is no fear in love. 

Are you afraid to be yourself around your parents?

That seeps into your other friendships and relationships.

If you were a caretaker to your parents, you find familiarity in trying to help people in your friendships and relationships.

I found comfort in being the caretaker because I also took care of my mom’s emotions growing up. When someone actually wants to take care of me or be emotionally supportive I felt that they probably wanted to control me or tell me what to do (since my mom was controlling). 

When I had a car I was driving everyone around, when I got rid of my car very people actually helped me.

God really used ministry to help me turn the table around. He said “you are worthy to be helped and supported”, but it came with a lot of persecution. Now people were mad that I was the one that needed help. They couldn’t get with the idea that I was not all sufficient as a human being, that I actually needed their help this time. 

But for some reason when I was always helping them, giving them emotional support, spiritual guidance and not asking for anything in return- they were okay with that model. But once I started asking for donations they fled. 

Because people don’t want to reciprocate. They don’t want to show up. Not everyone of course, but that’s what I saw. If it meant they had to participate they bailed. Because it dealt with their sense of inadequacy and the stronghold of lack.

Most people I minister to are running away from their parents, because they feel rejected by them. When a parent rejects their kid and doesn’t want to talk to them, the kid feels a sense of being unloved. 

When a kid feels unloved he or she will go to drugs, food, shopping, other people etc to feel accepted.

And the truth is sometimes parents aren’t the best people to give us the love we need or crave. But if you feel unsafe, you will go find solace in things that feel safe in the moment but maybe have no longevity.

I experienced financial, physical and emotional lack growing up. My mom was often at work and I was left home alone at a young age. I also started working when I was 8, and lacked emotional support. My mom never asked me how I was doing emotionally.

It makes sense that God called me to pastor lost sheep.

But in doing so I also come in contact with people who have the same issues- feeling rejected, easily triggered, feelings of being attacked emotionally, etc.

When I was younger I was a people pleaser because it was easier to please people and be accepted than to tell the truth and be rejected for my truth. But then God started to tell me to tell people the truth or to do things contrary to peoples’ expectations. The rejection hurt but now I realize that people didn’t really love me for who I am in the past, they loved me for who they wanted me to be.

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Skatepark in Venice Beach – a place where many young people escape to for safety. I met a 22 year old mom that was getting yelled at by her husband. I told her that I saw her as an actress as I was a prophet. She was happy to hear that. Sometimes when we’ve been abused by our parents we find partners that are also abusive. The road to healing and wholeness is to identify what we lacked growing up and identify what we actually need from a partner.

Would you consider contributing to this ministry? Your contribution makes a difference in the lives of people who are rejected by their parents and are seeking solace. Help me bring Jesus to people. Thank you!

Sow a seed to this ministry-

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Some people I met at the drum circle in Venice Beach

 

 

 

Say Yes To Dating

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I made a video on instagram live about some realizations I had about dating.

Here’s what I realized….

  1. Many guys I’m physically attracted to often lack the emotional or spiritual maturity that I am looking for
  2. People who make me feel safe emotionally (and are emotionally open and vulnerable) are like father figures to me but aren’t physically attractive to me

Here are ways that I feel loved:

  1. When someone tells me the truth even if it’s counter what I believe, but can still be kind and loving towards me
  2. When someone buys me food, clothes, gifts, or gives me money (since these were not things I received from my father but when I did see my father these were things he tried to give me)
  3. When people hug me
  4. When people ask me questions about myself and take the time to listen
  5. When people compliment me and say words of encouragement to me

There were a few men I turned down that could talk to me on an emotional level and were emotionally mature but were not physically attractive to me….I don’t really understand why God did that, I’m sure it’s just because I haven’t met many men that are both physically attractive and emotionally attractive.

One guy told me that I would come around and see that he was the better option, but I told him that was not the case because even though I was emotionally attracted I was not physically attracted to him.

Here’s the test – can you imagine yourself kissing him?

One guy tried to lean in for a kiss and I backed off.

I realize I could not see myself kissing him because he was not physically attractive to me. Even though I felt safe and at peace, I felt no spark. 

Talking about dating has helped my mother open up to me. I asked her a few questions and the answers were surprising.

She never saw another penis other than my dad’s. I know. I was shocked but she was back in the days, they were much more conservative. I told her nowadays guys ask to get a room with you when you’ve just met him.

Men are strange but interesting creatures. They are beautiful but also weird. So are women. We are all strange and beautiful creatures.

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Growing Up With An Unsafe Mother

I grew up with a mother that was always critical and yelling. I put aside my own emotions and suppressed my own emotions of anger and sadness to create space for her mood swings. My dad was physically and emotionally absent.
Here are signs that you did not grow up with a safe family:
    1. You are scared to speak up for yourself
    2. You try to please everyone
    3. You try to please your parents and you don’t say what’s on your mind
    4. You neglect your own emotions
    5. You think it is your fault when someone is angry and you try to do everything to make them happy
    6. You don’t know what you want, you have neglected your own desires to cater to other peoples’ desires
    7. You don’t know how to say no and you spend time with people who try to manipulate you or force you to do things you don’t want to do
These are all issues I’ve learned to OVERCOME because of the power of Jesus. He has repeatedly told me to do things that CAUSED me to face rejection, “displease” others, and trigger others but HELPED me to OVERCOME any fear of peoples’ responses. In this way, I have become totally myself and not live for other peoples’ approval.
What is a safe person?
  1. They are honest about how they feel and they can bring their truth to the table
  2. If you tell them the truth, they may need time to heal but they can come back and be honest with you about how they feel
  3. They embrace your emotions and validate them, not push them away or tell you to “grow up”. They allow you to cry and be angry.
  4. They are gentle with your emotions, they love you through your journey but they also tell you the truth if they aren’t able to be emotionally present
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God Told Me To Write About Sex

98307202_10163665291360603_8937155777026588672_nI heard the Lord say “write about sex”.

We live in a societal standard of quick and temporary pleasure. Ubereats, uber, app dates, tinder.

Yesterday I had a divine appointment (an appointment set up by the Lord). My friend wanted to go to Veggie Grill and we met this guy with a Chinese straw hat and buddhist necklace on his chest in the parking lot…we started talking to him. For some reason the celery and fake Vegan buffalo wings looked good, though I never eat Vegan food because I am very Carnivorous. I love animals, don’t get me wrong.

We talked a bit and I just felt like he really needed a hug. Our initial plan was to go to the beach and I felt the Lord say “go with him” so I told my friend I would meet with her at the beach and that I would ride with him to get to the beach.

I don’t know how our conversation led to sex but I said that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. This is something I talk about with strangers and guys who hit on me, or basically every divine appointment now. Most of my divine appointments are guys now. 

He said he had a porn addiction, not anymore I don’t think but he did. I said that the reason people watch porn is because they’re not expressing themselves emotionally. I admitted that I was feeling emotionally numb and I had watched a bit of porn (and I haven’t done so in a year or so).

I knew there was going to be more healing in our conversation.

Then I heard the Lord say “go to Pasadena”.

I told my friend that I would meet up with her later but that I was going to go for a drive with this guy.

He told me that it was weird because he met two other virgins on Tinder. Sometimes as we were talking he’d look at a woman with a sports bra on and he’d say “I can’t stop staring at her”. He said had anal sex with someone a few days ago. It felt really good. I cringed. I will never try anal sex. To me that is where poop comes from.

I told him that I know my vagina or clit probably better than women have sex. I orgasm too.

I told him that I started masturbating when I was 6 or 7. I was on the floor and I starting grinding on my knuckles. I was neglected as a kid, I didn’t get emotional support. I saw my parents throwing stuff at each other, yelling. I was scared. I didn’t know who to talk to so I self-gratified to feel better. I didn’t know what I was doing. Later on I felt guilty for doing it because that’s what church taught me. So I’d pray to God “dear God, forgive me of my sins”.

Later on I learned that Jesus already died for all my sins.

And the deeper root of something like porn addiction or masturbation comes from not being able to express ourselves and have safe intimate relationships and emotional support. 

My mom used to yell, we never just talked about our emotions. She never asked me how I was feeling. I just listened to her vent. It was what people call “emotional incest” in psychology. I became the emotional adult, soaking in all the complaints and negativity. I was a kid but I became a therapist. I was an empath, I got shingles when I was 14. I was stressed and I didn’t tell people about my problems. No one knew behind the smile and laughter that I put on.

It was a lie.

But people loved my lie.

Okay so back to the ride with the guy. He starts complaining to me “why are we going to Pasadena, it is so far! I just came from there? What is the point?”

I can hear the anger.

I said “something needs to be healed”. He confessed to me two girls did black magic on him yesterday. I felt something pressing on my head and starting praying to bind the witchcraft and demonic entity, casting out any spirits that were oppressing him as well.

He was Buddhist but he grew up Catholic. He did chants. I told him that he needed to be careful as some chants are demonic and witchcraft invites spirits to attack him. He said that he didn’t really believe Jesus was the only way but Jesus did appear to him a few days ago in a dream. A white bright light.

He starts getting angrier in the car, he starts yelling “you’re driving too fast, slow down”.

I can feel myself clenching my butt in nervousness.

We arrive at a park and I feel weird. I need to cry so I start crying. We hug and I tell him that I don’t like it when people yell at me because it reminds me of my mom. I don’t like anger, my mom was angry her whole life. She was quick to be angry so I would suppress my anger because I never wanted someone to feel guilty or bad because of my anger. 

I can see his heart softening but there is still more.

We drive back to the beach and he confesses to me that his ex cheated on him and he was angry. He would go back and forth from angry to sane. Honestly in my mind I was wondering “God why did you send him to me?”

Well, I did cry, so I did need that.

I have been dealing with men for the last 5 months and I have learned a lot about men. Sometimes I get mad, I get upset, I want to hate them, and sometimes my heart softens up and I understand they are broken and in pain. I don’t really understand them.

My friend and I go back and forth about men. She had a guy yell at her and be verbally abusive. I don’t get that either, God why did you send the most abusive lost sheep to her.

I shared with the guy that I had cheated on my ex before too. My ex was not emotionally open and when I got attention from elsewhere I felt validated and ended up cheating on my ex. 

His parents were emotionally immature too. The dad yelled all the time and his mom never listened to him. The only time he would really calm down is when I pat him on the back or gave him a hug.

His hyped up sexuality and porn addiction came from an emotionally unsafe home. We turn to different things for gratification. But after meeting hundreds of men in the last few months I have realized that the world has a real problem.

Men are not taught to be vulnerable, to cry or be okay with their emotions. This leads to excessive anger, violence, drug and porn addictions. 

Even I was taught to suppress my sadness, to not cry. Everytime my mom would yell at me I felt my heart shut down in fear. “Don’t feel anything, you’re not safe”. Masturbation was my go to to feel anything because after I climaxed I would cry and be able to feel my emotions, and that emotion was usually pain.

I have learned for a year to express my emotions with a friend of mine. God tells us to tell people how we feel. I’ve told my mother that she hurt me by yelling at me, I’ve told her that I didn’t feel safe. God has also told me my husband is coming soon.

I have divine appointments with men everyday.

One night the Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I got a ride from an older gentleman. I asked him to buy my dinner (as the Lord often leads me to do). He suggested we get a room. In my mind I was like “wow creeper”. I told him that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and I was not interested in having sex with him.

But he was Catholic and I knew there was healing to be done. We talked at the park. He said that his wife cheated on him. He didn’t know for a long time. His friend told him. After that he started sleeping with younger women. He showed me pictures of them. They were beautiful but all they wanted was his money. He said the only reason he drove lyft was because he was lonely. He had no one to talk to at night after work.

He wanted someone to go home to.

Yet he was sleeping with women at first meeting. I said that he could not expect to find a woman who is willing to stay with him if he just sleeps with them in the beginning. He kept saying “waiting for marriage” was outdated thinking. He said he thought that 20 years ago. He said that he was a taxi driver outside a club and many women would take revenge on their boyfriends by sleeping with him. They’d get a room.

He complained that he bought me dinner but he couldn’t even get a kiss?

I said “I’m not a prostitute, I’m a prophet”.

“Yes but we are man and woman, that’s what they do”

“Just because you are man and woman does not mean you have to have sex”

He dropped me off and I prophesied to him. “Open your heart to love”.

The next day I felt super gross about how he acted and left him a message. I said that woman are not pieces of meat, they are daughters of God. Again I questioned God, why did you lead me to him?

But after the episode with the Buddhist I realize why God leads me to these people.

None of us are perfect and God has me minister to broken people. I hugged the young man and said as the Lord spoke to me “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent your ex from cheating, God loves you, He says you are His son”. He looked like he was going to cry but he didn’t. 

I did though. I felt the pain.

When I was younger, I was afraid to feel pain at times. I didn’t feel safe to cry around my mother. I got yelled at for crying.

Now, I embrace the tears, I cry for people. I cry with people. It is amazing to feel.

I told him that I never had emotional support and now I realize I need that place of vulnerability with a guy. I need to connect on an emotional level with a man, not just physical.

He understood this but he said “see that woman with a bra, you probably have much more love than her but I still can’t stop staring”. 

I said “you accept what you’re used to. If you didn’t get emotional support, you’re comfortable with just physical pleasure”.

It’s time to receive the Love you really deserve….the type of love that doesn’t judge you for crying, or being vulnerable. You deserve to be heard and understood.

Would you consider donating to this ministry? Thank you!

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Break Out of Fear and Live in Freedom

God wants us to STEP OUT in faith. 

Many times we ARE focused on everything going our way, we want control of how people ACT towards us, we get angry when they don’t act the way we want them to. 

So when we are heart broken, we don’t try again. We don’t want to come out of our comfort zone because we didn’t FEEL safe. But God is like, no, break out of it. 

YOU ARE SAFE AND GOD IS WITH YOU!

Pictures from San Francisco- God was guiding me each step and I met a bunch of divine appointments 

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Would you consider sowing a seed to this ministry? 

Sow a seed-

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