You Are Safe

96691033_10163602583680603_4809437904851959808_n.jpg“You lied to me. Friends don’t lie”.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. The emotions were raw. I could feel like my eyes were bulging out of my chest and my heart was about to explode. Eventually tears came and it felt good to feel. 

Sometimes we just go about our day, never revealing to people how we feel. We control every factor. We plan our day, our drive, our GPS to life. We never allow God to flow through us.

How about now? When’s the last time you felt completely broken in front of God. 

I really feel this today. Even though I am close to God, perhaps I’ve closed my heart to God. So many disappointments, so many closed doors. We can become disheartened and no longer feel. What is the point of feeling this emotion, it’s hopeless. We become depressed because we don’t expect anything good anymore. 

God has been putting me through reality show quality drama. 

I mean I am talking about not being in control ever. Not only are there divine appointments wherever I go….there are a lot of unknown factors.

Okay, throw a guy into the mix, then some lies, betrayal. Okay, throw the fact that someone just told me he saw a dead woman lying on the street due to a car accident. This friend told me that he felt really weird today.

Oh you mean maybe you need to cry?

Feeling gross, yucky, weird…….indicates that you may need a good cry. But the lies have to come out first. So you either talk to God, or most likely God wants you to talk to people about it. 

It can be simple….

Like “why did you lie to me?”

“I felt unwanted when you did this______”

“You hurt me, I feel deceived”

Not everyone is open to that discussion. I can feel my heart more than I’ve ever felt. It’s scary.

But YOU ARE ENOUGH.

No wonder what you’ve been through- you are enough. You are not lacking. Feel your emotions, sit in the safety of my arms. I’m here.

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I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Growing In Emotional Maturity

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I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.

Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.

Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it. 

That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were. 

So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14. 

I endured the yelling and the temper fits. 

“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.

“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”

“I am a burden”

These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.

These were said to me-

“you’re an adult, get over it”

“you should just forgive and forget”

“You keep living in the past”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”

I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.

Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS! 

We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents. 

We were taught to-

“get over it”

“don’t cry”

“be positive”

These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart. 

Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.

Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.

It’s okay to say-

“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”

“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”

Here’s what I learned-

  1. If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
  2. A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.

Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.

Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.

My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.

It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.

Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”. 

I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.

I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free. 

Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do. 

Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel. 

Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.

Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.

Sow a seed to this ministry-
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Overcoming Abuse

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This is a young man I ministered to and bumped into again on the train. The Lord told me to go to the beach and this man was also going there, but he was going to a shelter to shower because he did not feel safe to go home to a military christian home where there were many rules. I asked if he ever talked to his parents about how he felt and he said no, usually he just isolates himself. I said that he was worthy of love and he thanked me. I find that many young people turn to drugs because they feel condemned and not enough because of their parents’ rules and regulations. They need to know they are loved and not condemned.

I told my mom yesterday….a relationship isn’t about rules but communicating how you feel. 

I was emotionally constipated for 4 days. It is rare for me not to cry everyday recently. Even when I pray sometimes I start crying.

But I couldn’t cry.

My mom was yelling at me and telling me I was crazy, she didn’t believe I was hearing God and she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or a doctor.

I asked her “is this my water bottle?”

She said “how would I know? I never drink from water bottles!” She yelled. She starts yelling and I have no idea why. She’s probably stressed about something else but I have no idea what. She won’t talk about her emotions or feelings so I get the end of that.

I feel like the walking dead, I feel like a zombie. I don’t understand how a mother can be like that.

I feel dead inside, and suddenly I hear “I want to die”. I start casting out a spirit of death. I need to get out the house.

I get in the car and drive. I call my friend and ask her to encourage me. She says “God loves you, you are beautiful, people love you” and that’s when I break down in tears after 4 days. 

I felt unwanted, that’s why. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong to my mom. I felt like I was not enough and wasn’t doing enough.

I remember “yes I’m doing enough and I am enough”.

I said through my tears “when she yells at me I feel unwanted and unloved”.

Again, I had a dream about a phone being lost or broken, it usually has to do with communication. So I wake up with this feeling in my heart.

God tells me to tell her how I feel and I do, but it’s met with the same response of blame or shame. 

She wants to hide from her emotions, she wants to run and not feel and the best way for her to do that is to stay busy. Yet her knees hurt.

So when will you stop running and just feel the emotions?

God loves you, He will never leave nor forsake you.

I grew up feeling blamed and shunned for problems that were not my own so I would people please or mommy please because I thought it was my fault that they were angry, not realizing it had nothing to do with me. 

It’s taken a long journey of learning to speak my mind even when it doesn’t feel safe.

You are safe with me, says God. 

Come to me and cast your cares on me. You are safe here with me. 

Sow a seed to this ministry-
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Are You Ready For Your Husband/Wife?

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I want a guy who asks me how my day was? What my hopes and dreams are? How am I feeling?

A man, not a boy. A man who cares about me, not just his ego. A man who wants to take care of me, make me feel loved. He is not egotistical, self-centered. He is able to be vulnerable and emotional. He is in touch with his emotions and know what he is feeling. He can feel his heart.

“How are you doing?” not just “what did you eat for dinner?”

And he listens, not just talks.

So many guys talk, they go on long monologues about things I’m not interested in. I want a guy to say “I love you, and you’re the only one I want to be with”. I’m the only love interest in his life, not another girl, another pretty face.

He sees my value and my worth. He sees that I am more than anything he owns on this earth, more than gold or dollar signs. 

He is willing to die for me and show that he cares, by listening, by talking, by conversing. He puts emotional connection first, not physical connection. Because without emotional connection, nothing else matters.

I want a man, not a boy. A man is not afraid of tears, he is in touch with his emotions even if he seems weak in peoples’ eyes. His vulnerability is his strength, he is willing to admit when he is sad or angry. He is willing to admit he feels jealous. But he won’t control, he will communicate his fears.

Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that –

  1. You’re scared
  2. You miss someone
  3. You don’t want to seem like a fool but here’s all of your emotions
  4. You’re insecure
  5. Be honest and tell someone how you actually feel

Over the last few months God has taught me so much about what I want and how to be honest with people I meet, at any cost. This means that I have told my truth even though it may have hurt someone.

I want to be –

  1. Understood
  2. Heard
  3. Cared for

I have met plenty of self- centered men that only like me for my beauty or for how I make them feel.

The truth is – they should be interested in your dreams too, they should support you in what you want to do. 

A man who supports your dreams should ask you this-

  1. How can I help?
  2. How do you need to be loved?
  3. How can I make you feel secure?

and they communicate their emotions to you. They don’t run away from confrontation, they meet you half way. They show up.

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Cashapp-gugibabu

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Funny Cartoons About The Church, Grace and Jesus

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When people listen to a pastor or an institution more than Jesus’ voice.

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When you get persecuted by Christians for following Jesus. -.-!

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When I tell people that God told me something…..some people kill the messenger.

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When you try to live under the law and God has already made you whole, so that you are no longer performing or trying to do the right thing, or trying to be better, you live from a place of grace and wholeness (and not paranoia, thinking you are always trying to be right with God)…you are already right with God.

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Can you relate? Please share or comment on this blog post! Let’s share the grace and freedom of God! 🙂 I also started a patreon below if you’d like to join. To give to the efforts of this ministry, in spreading the FREEDOM AND JOY of the Lord, links are below. THANK YOU SO MUCH for building the house of God! 🙂 

To donate or give a love offering-

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If you like to book a coaching or inner healing session, please email me at rebekkalien@gmail.com.