It was easier to block and unfriend when times got tough. When I couldn’t verbalize the abuse, the hurt, the wounds. I unfriended a lot of people from church because I felt betrayed and people were gossiping about me when I decided to leave.
I remember my mom crying at the airport when I was 8. My dad was standing there, I knew she was hurt but I didn’t know why. Suddenly we were in America (we flew from Taiwan) without my dad. The sad thing is I never really got to say goodbye to my dad. I never said what I needed to, I didn’t understand what was going on.
When I saw him again at the age of 18, standing in an elevator with a church mission group, I did not recognize him. He was an old man with gray hair. I was SO numb to him, I felt nothing for him, no love and no adoration. He sat down and gave me a bunch of old cameras that didn’t work.
I had no relationship with him.
That’s why now when men reach out to me, they want to talk to me and be friends even, I welcome the conversations. But I don’t realize that at some point they’ll walk away. Some of them, not all of them. I have really good guy friends that stick around, they’re there for me, but it’s not their place to be consistent. They’re not my boyfriend, why should they be. But I never saw an example of continuous conversation.
A few days ago, someone I thought was a friend claimed to go to the bathroom and he left. He blocked my number. I even lost a pair of shoes that I left in the car to change into.
It felt like my dad all over again. The feelings of abandonment hit so hard. I felt numb all over again.
I felt nothing in my heart.
I couldn’t even cry. I had told him that I didn’t appreciate him asking about my sexual past because it seemed like that was the only thing on his mind. When I’m friends with someone I want to talk to them about life, their deepest fears, their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs. I want to share my heart with them.
But maybe I’m just too much of an open book.
People tell me I should not trust people so easily, but I do and I can’t help but think that people are good.
They are good until they prove me wrong.
Ever since I realized that I had a wall that goes up high in my heart, I’ve learned to let people in again and again so that I don’t become hard hearted.
How do you trust again? Do you let people in again?
It’s not your fault that someone walked away. The worse thing for me is not having an answer, agreement. For me, I feel like I always want closure but sometimes I just can’t get it and that is what frustrates me. I want an answer, why couldn’t he tell me what was on his mind.
Have you ever had someone avoid confrontation and block you out of their life. To be honest, I’ve done that because I thought there was nothing else to talk about, but I didn’t realize I was suppressing resentment and anger towards that person.
Let love in. I know it’s hard, but not everyone is a jerk.
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