Overcoming Rejection and No Longer Walking On Eggshells

97778308_10163614691715603_5882939738964361216_nDoes it feel like you are walking on eggshells when you’re around your parents? 

I woke up hearing “you are enough, you are beautiful, you are healthy”.

God told me “people will turn to comfort when they’ve been rejected by their parents”. A spirit of rejection causes people to turn to even the faintest idea of comfort, even if they know it is unhealthy. 

Even if you know that a person is unhealthy for you, even if you know that drugs, addictions, porn, etc is unhealthy you’ll still go to it because you feel rejected by your parents or there is a feeling of “walking on eggshells”. 

I don’t feel safe is what you feel and say to yourself. 

God has been putting me through a process of healing. I realize that I have a hard time just going to bed if I feel like I am not being vulnerable with my mother when she is at home. Once I’m in bed I knock out though.

There is no fear in love. 

Are you afraid to be yourself around your parents?

That seeps into your other friendships and relationships.

If you were a caretaker to your parents, you find familiarity in trying to help people in your friendships and relationships.

I found comfort in being the caretaker because I also took care of my mom’s emotions growing up. When someone actually wants to take care of me or be emotionally supportive I felt that they probably wanted to control me or tell me what to do (since my mom was controlling). 

When I had a car I was driving everyone around, when I got rid of my car very people actually helped me.

God really used ministry to help me turn the table around. He said “you are worthy to be helped and supported”, but it came with a lot of persecution. Now people were mad that I was the one that needed help. They couldn’t get with the idea that I was not all sufficient as a human being, that I actually needed their help this time. 

But for some reason when I was always helping them, giving them emotional support, spiritual guidance and not asking for anything in return- they were okay with that model. But once I started asking for donations they fled. 

Because people don’t want to reciprocate. They don’t want to show up. Not everyone of course, but that’s what I saw. If it meant they had to participate they bailed. Because it dealt with their sense of inadequacy and the stronghold of lack.

Most people I minister to are running away from their parents, because they feel rejected by them. When a parent rejects their kid and doesn’t want to talk to them, the kid feels a sense of being unloved. 

When a kid feels unloved he or she will go to drugs, food, shopping, other people etc to feel accepted.

And the truth is sometimes parents aren’t the best people to give us the love we need or crave. But if you feel unsafe, you will go find solace in things that feel safe in the moment but maybe have no longevity.

I experienced financial, physical and emotional lack growing up. My mom was often at work and I was left home alone at a young age. I also started working when I was 8, and lacked emotional support. My mom never asked me how I was doing emotionally.

It makes sense that God called me to pastor lost sheep.

But in doing so I also come in contact with people who have the same issues- feeling rejected, easily triggered, feelings of being attacked emotionally, etc.

When I was younger I was a people pleaser because it was easier to please people and be accepted than to tell the truth and be rejected for my truth. But then God started to tell me to tell people the truth or to do things contrary to peoples’ expectations. The rejection hurt but now I realize that people didn’t really love me for who I am in the past, they loved me for who they wanted me to be.

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Skatepark in Venice Beach – a place where many young people escape to for safety. I met a 22 year old mom that was getting yelled at by her husband. I told her that I saw her as an actress as I was a prophet. She was happy to hear that. Sometimes when we’ve been abused by our parents we find partners that are also abusive. The road to healing and wholeness is to identify what we lacked growing up and identify what we actually need from a partner.

Would you consider contributing to this ministry? Your contribution makes a difference in the lives of people who are rejected by their parents and are seeking solace. Help me bring Jesus to people. Thank you!

Sow a seed to this ministry-

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Some people I met at the drum circle in Venice Beach

 

 

 

Growing Up With An Unsafe Mother

I grew up with a mother that was always critical and yelling. I put aside my own emotions and suppressed my own emotions of anger and sadness to create space for her mood swings. My dad was physically and emotionally absent.
Here are signs that you did not grow up with a safe family:
    1. You are scared to speak up for yourself
    2. You try to please everyone
    3. You try to please your parents and you don’t say what’s on your mind
    4. You neglect your own emotions
    5. You think it is your fault when someone is angry and you try to do everything to make them happy
    6. You don’t know what you want, you have neglected your own desires to cater to other peoples’ desires
    7. You don’t know how to say no and you spend time with people who try to manipulate you or force you to do things you don’t want to do
These are all issues I’ve learned to OVERCOME because of the power of Jesus. He has repeatedly told me to do things that CAUSED me to face rejection, “displease” others, and trigger others but HELPED me to OVERCOME any fear of peoples’ responses. In this way, I have become totally myself and not live for other peoples’ approval.
What is a safe person?
  1. They are honest about how they feel and they can bring their truth to the table
  2. If you tell them the truth, they may need time to heal but they can come back and be honest with you about how they feel
  3. They embrace your emotions and validate them, not push them away or tell you to “grow up”. They allow you to cry and be angry.
  4. They are gentle with your emotions, they love you through your journey but they also tell you the truth if they aren’t able to be emotionally present
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God Told Me To Write About Sex

98307202_10163665291360603_8937155777026588672_nI heard the Lord say “write about sex”.

We live in a societal standard of quick and temporary pleasure. Ubereats, uber, app dates, tinder.

Yesterday I had a divine appointment (an appointment set up by the Lord). My friend wanted to go to Veggie Grill and we met this guy with a Chinese straw hat and buddhist necklace on his chest in the parking lot…we started talking to him. For some reason the celery and fake Vegan buffalo wings looked good, though I never eat Vegan food because I am very Carnivorous. I love animals, don’t get me wrong.

We talked a bit and I just felt like he really needed a hug. Our initial plan was to go to the beach and I felt the Lord say “go with him” so I told my friend I would meet with her at the beach and that I would ride with him to get to the beach.

I don’t know how our conversation led to sex but I said that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. This is something I talk about with strangers and guys who hit on me, or basically every divine appointment now. Most of my divine appointments are guys now. 

He said he had a porn addiction, not anymore I don’t think but he did. I said that the reason people watch porn is because they’re not expressing themselves emotionally. I admitted that I was feeling emotionally numb and I had watched a bit of porn (and I haven’t done so in a year or so).

I knew there was going to be more healing in our conversation.

Then I heard the Lord say “go to Pasadena”.

I told my friend that I would meet up with her later but that I was going to go for a drive with this guy.

He told me that it was weird because he met two other virgins on Tinder. Sometimes as we were talking he’d look at a woman with a sports bra on and he’d say “I can’t stop staring at her”. He said had anal sex with someone a few days ago. It felt really good. I cringed. I will never try anal sex. To me that is where poop comes from.

I told him that I know my vagina or clit probably better than women have sex. I orgasm too.

I told him that I started masturbating when I was 6 or 7. I was on the floor and I starting grinding on my knuckles. I was neglected as a kid, I didn’t get emotional support. I saw my parents throwing stuff at each other, yelling. I was scared. I didn’t know who to talk to so I self-gratified to feel better. I didn’t know what I was doing. Later on I felt guilty for doing it because that’s what church taught me. So I’d pray to God “dear God, forgive me of my sins”.

Later on I learned that Jesus already died for all my sins.

And the deeper root of something like porn addiction or masturbation comes from not being able to express ourselves and have safe intimate relationships and emotional support. 

My mom used to yell, we never just talked about our emotions. She never asked me how I was feeling. I just listened to her vent. It was what people call “emotional incest” in psychology. I became the emotional adult, soaking in all the complaints and negativity. I was a kid but I became a therapist. I was an empath, I got shingles when I was 14. I was stressed and I didn’t tell people about my problems. No one knew behind the smile and laughter that I put on.

It was a lie.

But people loved my lie.

Okay so back to the ride with the guy. He starts complaining to me “why are we going to Pasadena, it is so far! I just came from there? What is the point?”

I can hear the anger.

I said “something needs to be healed”. He confessed to me two girls did black magic on him yesterday. I felt something pressing on my head and starting praying to bind the witchcraft and demonic entity, casting out any spirits that were oppressing him as well.

He was Buddhist but he grew up Catholic. He did chants. I told him that he needed to be careful as some chants are demonic and witchcraft invites spirits to attack him. He said that he didn’t really believe Jesus was the only way but Jesus did appear to him a few days ago in a dream. A white bright light.

He starts getting angrier in the car, he starts yelling “you’re driving too fast, slow down”.

I can feel myself clenching my butt in nervousness.

We arrive at a park and I feel weird. I need to cry so I start crying. We hug and I tell him that I don’t like it when people yell at me because it reminds me of my mom. I don’t like anger, my mom was angry her whole life. She was quick to be angry so I would suppress my anger because I never wanted someone to feel guilty or bad because of my anger. 

I can see his heart softening but there is still more.

We drive back to the beach and he confesses to me that his ex cheated on him and he was angry. He would go back and forth from angry to sane. Honestly in my mind I was wondering “God why did you send him to me?”

Well, I did cry, so I did need that.

I have been dealing with men for the last 5 months and I have learned a lot about men. Sometimes I get mad, I get upset, I want to hate them, and sometimes my heart softens up and I understand they are broken and in pain. I don’t really understand them.

My friend and I go back and forth about men. She had a guy yell at her and be verbally abusive. I don’t get that either, God why did you send the most abusive lost sheep to her.

I shared with the guy that I had cheated on my ex before too. My ex was not emotionally open and when I got attention from elsewhere I felt validated and ended up cheating on my ex. 

His parents were emotionally immature too. The dad yelled all the time and his mom never listened to him. The only time he would really calm down is when I pat him on the back or gave him a hug.

His hyped up sexuality and porn addiction came from an emotionally unsafe home. We turn to different things for gratification. But after meeting hundreds of men in the last few months I have realized that the world has a real problem.

Men are not taught to be vulnerable, to cry or be okay with their emotions. This leads to excessive anger, violence, drug and porn addictions. 

Even I was taught to suppress my sadness, to not cry. Everytime my mom would yell at me I felt my heart shut down in fear. “Don’t feel anything, you’re not safe”. Masturbation was my go to to feel anything because after I climaxed I would cry and be able to feel my emotions, and that emotion was usually pain.

I have learned for a year to express my emotions with a friend of mine. God tells us to tell people how we feel. I’ve told my mother that she hurt me by yelling at me, I’ve told her that I didn’t feel safe. God has also told me my husband is coming soon.

I have divine appointments with men everyday.

One night the Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I got a ride from an older gentleman. I asked him to buy my dinner (as the Lord often leads me to do). He suggested we get a room. In my mind I was like “wow creeper”. I told him that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and I was not interested in having sex with him.

But he was Catholic and I knew there was healing to be done. We talked at the park. He said that his wife cheated on him. He didn’t know for a long time. His friend told him. After that he started sleeping with younger women. He showed me pictures of them. They were beautiful but all they wanted was his money. He said the only reason he drove lyft was because he was lonely. He had no one to talk to at night after work.

He wanted someone to go home to.

Yet he was sleeping with women at first meeting. I said that he could not expect to find a woman who is willing to stay with him if he just sleeps with them in the beginning. He kept saying “waiting for marriage” was outdated thinking. He said he thought that 20 years ago. He said that he was a taxi driver outside a club and many women would take revenge on their boyfriends by sleeping with him. They’d get a room.

He complained that he bought me dinner but he couldn’t even get a kiss?

I said “I’m not a prostitute, I’m a prophet”.

“Yes but we are man and woman, that’s what they do”

“Just because you are man and woman does not mean you have to have sex”

He dropped me off and I prophesied to him. “Open your heart to love”.

The next day I felt super gross about how he acted and left him a message. I said that woman are not pieces of meat, they are daughters of God. Again I questioned God, why did you lead me to him?

But after the episode with the Buddhist I realize why God leads me to these people.

None of us are perfect and God has me minister to broken people. I hugged the young man and said as the Lord spoke to me “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent your ex from cheating, God loves you, He says you are His son”. He looked like he was going to cry but he didn’t. 

I did though. I felt the pain.

When I was younger, I was afraid to feel pain at times. I didn’t feel safe to cry around my mother. I got yelled at for crying.

Now, I embrace the tears, I cry for people. I cry with people. It is amazing to feel.

I told him that I never had emotional support and now I realize I need that place of vulnerability with a guy. I need to connect on an emotional level with a man, not just physical.

He understood this but he said “see that woman with a bra, you probably have much more love than her but I still can’t stop staring”. 

I said “you accept what you’re used to. If you didn’t get emotional support, you’re comfortable with just physical pleasure”.

It’s time to receive the Love you really deserve….the type of love that doesn’t judge you for crying, or being vulnerable. You deserve to be heard and understood.

Would you consider donating to this ministry? Thank you!

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You Are Safe

96691033_10163602583680603_4809437904851959808_n.jpg“You lied to me. Friends don’t lie”.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. The emotions were raw. I could feel like my eyes were bulging out of my chest and my heart was about to explode. Eventually tears came and it felt good to feel. 

Sometimes we just go about our day, never revealing to people how we feel. We control every factor. We plan our day, our drive, our GPS to life. We never allow God to flow through us.

How about now? When’s the last time you felt completely broken in front of God. 

I really feel this today. Even though I am close to God, perhaps I’ve closed my heart to God. So many disappointments, so many closed doors. We can become disheartened and no longer feel. What is the point of feeling this emotion, it’s hopeless. We become depressed because we don’t expect anything good anymore. 

God has been putting me through reality show quality drama. 

I mean I am talking about not being in control ever. Not only are there divine appointments wherever I go….there are a lot of unknown factors.

Okay, throw a guy into the mix, then some lies, betrayal. Okay, throw the fact that someone just told me he saw a dead woman lying on the street due to a car accident. This friend told me that he felt really weird today.

Oh you mean maybe you need to cry?

Feeling gross, yucky, weird…….indicates that you may need a good cry. But the lies have to come out first. So you either talk to God, or most likely God wants you to talk to people about it. 

It can be simple….

Like “why did you lie to me?”

“I felt unwanted when you did this______”

“You hurt me, I feel deceived”

Not everyone is open to that discussion. I can feel my heart more than I’ve ever felt. It’s scary.

But YOU ARE ENOUGH.

No wonder what you’ve been through- you are enough. You are not lacking. Feel your emotions, sit in the safety of my arms. I’m here.

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I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Prophetic Word- Heart Breakthrough

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Why do we love who we love?

Why do we feel used?

Why do we love those who cannot love us back and why don’t we love those who can?

Why do we fear intimacy and why does love hurt?

Why do we hide and think that is love and care?

Why do we fear vulnerability?

God- I am here for you. If you will have me. If you come to me and drink of this never ending fountain. I am here for you, I will never leave nor forsake you.

Me- People scare me. They are one way one moment, the next they are monsters. They are unpredictable. They are scare me.

God- Don’t be afraid to love for out of love comes life.

Me- I feel that I will never find love that I deserve, for I’ve chased the type of love that is sick and twisted, the type of love that I have to fight for, that isn’t freely given.

God- you will find it, for you are love, you have found me. You have found love, you are love, as I am within you.

Me- I am love.

God- I have loved you from the beginning of time. If you are love there is no lack of love and there is an unceasing fountain of love, ready at all times. You are love, you are enough.

Me- How can I continue to love when I feel depleted?

God- Give yourself a break, it’s okay. Give yourself a break. It’s enough. From the beginning of time, I have been enough and I will always overflow in love. You were created to love and without love there is no meaning.

Sow a seed to this ministry-
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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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