Overcoming Abandonment Issues

It was easier to block and unfriend when times got tough. When I couldn’t verbalize the abuse, the hurt, the wounds. I unfriended a lot of people from church because I felt betrayed and people were gossiping about me when I decided to leave.

I remember my mom crying at the airport when I was 8. My dad was standing there, I knew she was hurt but I didn’t know why. Suddenly we were in America (we flew from Taiwan) without my dad. The sad thing is I never really got to say goodbye to my dad. I never said what I needed to, I didn’t understand what was going on.

When I saw him again at the age of 18, standing in an elevator with a church mission group, I did not recognize him. He was an old man with gray hair. I was SO numb to him, I felt nothing for him, no love and no adoration. He sat down and gave me a bunch of old cameras that didn’t work.

I had no relationship with him.

That’s why now when men reach out to me, they want to talk to me and be friends even, I welcome the conversations. But I don’t realize that at some point they’ll walk away. Some of them, not all of them. I have really good guy friends that stick around, they’re there for me, but it’s not their place to be consistent. They’re not my boyfriend, why should they be. But I never saw an example of continuous conversation.

A few days ago, someone I thought was a friend claimed to go to the bathroom and he left. He blocked my number. I even lost a pair of shoes that I left in the car to change into.

It felt like my dad all over again. The feelings of abandonment hit so hard. I felt numb all over again.

I felt nothing in my heart.

I couldn’t even cry. I had told him that I didn’t appreciate him asking about my sexual past because it seemed like that was the only thing on his mind. When I’m friends with someone I want to talk to them about life, their deepest fears, their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs. I want to share my heart with them.

But maybe I’m just too much of an open book.

People tell me I should not trust people so easily, but I do and I can’t help but think that people are good.

They are good until they prove me wrong.

Ever since I realized that I had a wall that goes up high in my heart, I’ve learned to let people in again and again so that I don’t become hard hearted.

How do you trust again? Do you let people in again?

It’s not your fault that someone walked away. The worse thing for me is not having an answer, agreement. For me, I feel like I always want closure but sometimes I just can’t get it and that is what frustrates me. I want an answer, why couldn’t he tell me what was on his mind.

Have you ever had someone avoid confrontation and block you out of their life. To be honest, I’ve done that because I thought there was nothing else to talk about, but I didn’t realize I was suppressing resentment and anger towards that person.

Let love in. I know it’s hard, but not everyone is a jerk.

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Emotionally Vulnerability Goes Both Ways!

I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.

I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.

I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.

But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.

I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.

Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.

I want to submit to this women-

Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?

Have you told them how YOU felt?

That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.

I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.

Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.

You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.

How is that even a mature thing to do?

Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.

This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.

Ladies-

IF you like a guy, tell him.

If you appreciate him, tell him.

If you think he’s cute, tell him.

We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.

Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.

I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.

Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!

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Let Love In- It Takes A Village To Raise A Kid

I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.

Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.

I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.

Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.

Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.

Everyone has a different journey and a different season.

When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.

Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.

I said “it’s not your fault”.

I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.

“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.

“People ghost because I’m too much”

Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.

It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.

And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.

Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.

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God Wants To Break Down Your Walls

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Prophetic Word- Live In Freedom, Don’t Be Afraid To Fail

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God, today I pray to cast out any false responsibility for others, help us to focus on the purpose and goals you have set before us. I break off false responsibility and accusations!

YOU ARE FREE IN Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

God we forgive those who have wronged us and we confront them, tell them how we feel, but then we release and move on. Prepare EVERYONE who you’ve promised their spouse is coming. Protect them from the schemes of the enemy in Jesus name!

Dating Tips-BE HONEST!

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Dating Will Trigger You, Let It!

I felt abandoned, unworthy, unwanted, there was no opportunity to converse about it. This is how I felt when someone left without telling me after a “date”. We were supposed to leave together and he had picked me up. He left without telling me.

I called him “disgraceful to all of men”.

I was traumatized. I felt rejected.

I felt angry.

It’s never happened to me. I’ve experienced a lot but this was a trigger point.

But God always has a way to redeem my experiences and show me not all men are trash. I kept meeting divine appointments that told me I should be aware of marriage, one lady said marriage is more about crying than laughing. I disagreed with her.

The thing is A LOT OF PEOPLE SETTLE.

PEOPLE don’t date enough, they don’t put themselves out there enough. They expect the first guy or girl they go on a date with to be the one.

Most people don’t even know what they want and they settle for the first person they are attracted to or the first person they have trauma bonds with.

For example thinking that just because that person also feels unworthy, that they have commonalities, just because they feel unwanted, that they find worth in each other.

I believe in being vulnerable and sharing your deepest wounds with each other. Dating is not about putting on a front, but laying all your cards on the table and showing who you really are. Here’s me, take it or leave it.

And guess what, some will leave. And be Okay with that. Thank Jesus for making it a bit easier for you.

I am worthy, I am valuable, I am a gift.

Dating will trigger you, but let it trigger you, let it reveal to you how you actually feel about yourself. What needs to be healed?

God bless you-

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God bless you!

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

A lot of people told me to doubt you, to give up but I never did. I waited for you. I know you’re out there and I’m not settling for less. God told me you’re coming. A lot of people tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I could not find someone who was also waiting but I’ve been meeting more people that are waiting, actually virgins too, some are celibate.

I don’t know what you’re going through but I know God is preparing you too. Whatever hardships and heart breaks we are going through is just making us stronger for marriage. I never really believed in marriage growing up because my parents were divorced. I have people calling me desperate but more than a year ago I had a few dreams.

I had a dream I was swiping on a dating app and I heard God say “get ready”. I also had a dream that I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and putting on makeup.

I’ve been learning to love and I think that’s the most important thing.

I realize I was trying to explain myself to people who just didn’t understand me. I was focusing on the wrong people.

I don’t think I’ll have to over explain myself to you. It’ll be easy. I am praying for God to prepare you and myself for what’s ahead. I pray that you will hear God and obey Him in everything. I pray God keep you safe and open your heart to be vulnerable with others. I pray a hedge of protection over both of us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. I pray we will not be discouraged.

God protect us from those that want to take us off the path you have for us. Shield us from those that want to destroy hope in us.

YOUR HUSBAND IS COMING!

YOUR HUSBAND IS COMING!

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Healing The Father/Mother Wound

I hope that you’d be able to learn something from this video. I love you all! God bless.

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How To Break Off Depression – Healing The Father Wound

I pray this video will reach the people who needs to see it.

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