Follow Your Heart

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God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.

For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.

Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.

Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.

Sometimes we love people who abuse us.

It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.

Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.

He wants to see me. 

That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.

God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.

But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.

When you think of someone, contact them.

When you appreciate someone, tell them.

When you miss someone, tell them. 

“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?” 

The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.

When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.

My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response. 

Does he care about me? Does he love me?

That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love. 

That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.

You’re not alone.

Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel. 

Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love. 

I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.

Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication. 

I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love. 

I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends. 

God is really unconventional.

Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.

But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me. 

One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.

In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do. 

Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.

Again I felt that she was trying to control me.

I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.

Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely. 

What are you afraid to tell people? 

Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”

If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.

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Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Love Letter From God

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Here’s a letter from God….to me, but It’s also a LETTER TO YOU.

Dear Rebekka, or (Dear YOU),

You are so strong. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me. And even when you didn’t, thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for your honesty, thank you for sharing your heart with me.

You are the best gift anyone can offer me. I own the world, but I covet peoples’ hearts. I covet your whole heart. That’s all I want. Your heart. Thank you for entrusting your heart to me.

Thank you for persevering even when the fire got hot, even when the battle seemed like it would never stop. Thank you for clinging onto me, and trusting me. You know the battle never lasts right? You have come out golden. 

I’m removing the dust, and the scars, pretty soon you will be brand new. You’ll hope again, dream again, don’t give up. You’re my biggest joy, when I see you smile, I smile too. You are the love of my life, you know?

I just want to bless you continuously. That’s my heart for you. I’ll never take from you, even if I take from you, I’m meaning to bless you more, in multitudes.

You know I will NEVER judge you right? Because Jesus was already judged and punished for your sins. I will never get mad at you, yell at you or condemn you.

I don’t see fault or sin in you.

My dreams are to flourish and prosper you. It’s already there, you are already enough. You are golden my dear, you are so precious to me. You are everything that I hoped you would be. I am so proud of you.

You know you are the whole package right? Right now, you lack nothing, you are shiny, golden, enough, whole, pure, bright, radiant, beautiful. You never lacked anything or anyone. You became whole when you said yes to me, so that I only see Jesus in you, you are the perfect image of God.

You know I would never criticize you or yell at you?

I would only encourage you. Because you are perfect in my eyes.

And I may say a few things to wake you up, because I know you’re hurting yourself. A father would never allow their kids to get hurt. I give you freedom to run and be free. You are allowed to do what you want and desire. Follow your heart.

Be free, fall, fail (though there is no such thing as failure because you are still perfect and righteous in my eyes), and get up with me. Hold my hand so you don’t get lost. Never stop holding my hand.

I love you so dearly. You are the apple of my eyes. I have many more love letters for you and I hope you read them one by one, I hope you listen.

Humans may never give you the love you need or want, but my love will overwhelm you for good. But never stop listening, never close your heart. Your heart is a muscle that needs practice. Love is not always easy, but you can always fall back into my arms. It’s easy to rest in me. It’s easy to rely on me. 

All you have to do is let go of control, let go of self- condemnation.

You’ve done enough, you’ve loved enough, you’ve been battered but you’re enough.

You don’t have to try so hard. Let me love you. 

You’re enough.

There is no where to go but here, there is nothing to do but be. You are enough.

I long for your intimacy, an open heart. Tell me the desires of your heart, tell me how your heart aches and tell me if you’re mad at me. Tell me everything because I can take it. That’s how I long to know you. I want to walk with you.

I’m so excited to show you the beautiful things I’m going to reveal to you. I’m going to surprise you when you least expect it. Keep your eyes on me. Your dreams are not dead, they are alive and well. 

My timing is perfect, you are not late, you haven’t missed it! I am just on time!

You don’t have to do a thing to make me love you, I loved you since and before you were born. You are enough as my child. No need to perform or to achieve for me, no need to try or do more. I want you to rest knowing I’ve got your back, no need to look for success. You are a success. 

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I am so proud of you dear,

God

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Growing up, I did not feel safe with my mother as she was constantly reprimanding or yelling at me. There were few words of encouragement and I’ve had to confront her about it to get her to be more encouraging. Even saying “I love you” was difficult when I got older.

Then going to church, I was constantly told that I needed to do more, serve more or be more loving. No one actually told me that I was whole in Christ Jesus. No one told me that Jesus’ work was actually complete, it was a complete payment for my iniquities and shortcomings.

When I left that church God started to teach me what grace actually was.

He taught me that I was a child of God and that I only needed to rest to learn what it meant to receive from God. I was constantly working for God but never received from God because I was working for what I had versus freely receiving. 

When I learned to rest in His finished work, I started to learn what it meant to be a child. However, it came with a level of persecution that I did not expect from people. 

You are God’s child, not an orphan, not a slave, not an employee.

To partner and give- thank you for your love and support. I could not have done it without your support this year. Thank you to the friends that I call family now. I love you all, Rebekka.

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Choose God’s Path

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

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Get Up and Walk!

I’m understanding what I give to people no money can ever buy. The strength of knowing they are a child of God. I don’t need big houses or buildings, nice cars to tell my my worth. I’m bought by the blood of Jesus and I have peace father God always takes care of me. Most people I minister to have much more fear of lack than I do. They have much more material possessions.

But I’ve become fearless. I know I’m a child of God and no demons in hell can stop me. I know father God never leaves nor forsakes me. That is something no money can buy. A relationship with father God and undying trust to Him.

I go where He calls me at a moment’s notice to who He leads me to. That is undying trust. I put my life in the hands of my father because He loves me and never forsakes me.

Those who are rich are not those who have billions of dollars – the rich ones are the ones who know they are a child of God and that God will never leave nor forsake them. They move mountains.

Sometimes I don’t have much money on me but I have a father who richly provides all my needs. I have a zillionaire father so I do His work – with a backpack and a carry on, I go where He leads me. I trust Him totally. He has shown me His faithfulness.

So I minister to those who have a fear of lack, who have everything in this world but the assurance that God can be trusted. Paul says gold and silver have I none but in the name of Jesus get up and walk! It’s a power no gold or silver can buy!

People I prophesy to have a fear of surrendering their job, moving, walking into the unknown- getting up- because getting up means trusting God.

But Father God can be trusted. I walked for years in trust with God. It can be scary at times but exhilarating when you see Him work. When His instructions lead you to a person who has been praying for an answer for 3 years. And you are the answer.

It’s so fun and adventurous. I never have a boring day.

Yesterday the Lord had told me I’m staying in Taipei and told me beitou. When I looked up places on Airbnb the first one that popped up – God said, this one.

I said, “hmmm okay”.

A donation of almost exact amount had come in on the same day.

The lady was super friendly on the phone, and when I went I noticed a Bible on the table. I asked the cleaner if she is Christian but then she said the owner was. I never met the owner in person but we talked on the phone and it turned out she had been through a lot of spiritual warfare lately.

I prayed for her. She said she had recently started to pray again and that she was coming back to Jesus. Upon further messaging I later learned she was preparing for her father’s funeral.

It’s those moments you realize, God sent you to be someone’s relief, someone’s answer.

I slept 12 hours that night.

I’m currently going back to shuangxi. Continue praying for me and those I minister to.

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Healing The Brokenness In Our Hearts

Ugly crying.

Heartache and heartbreak. We try to avoid it but it comes after us. It makes for the best writing and the best songs, the best art, it’s what makes us human. Without it we wouldn’t know vulnerability, we wouldn’t love well.

We don’t love people well when we have closed hearts. Open hearts feel with others. Open hearts allow the risk of being hurt to be present. Closed hearts says “I don’t want to listen to your story because I don’t want to feel what you feel”.

It’s easy to be logical and tell someone to leave their abusive or unloving husband or boyfriend, but to go through it yourself, or to follow your gut and not your heart which often times is tied to brokenness in your soul, that’s another story.

As I’m talking to my friend about heartache I remember this one time years ago where my ex roommate tucked me into my bed. He was my first guy roommate.

I thought it was fine because I had a boyfriend. I was safe because I was taken, I wouldn’t have some type of love affair with a guy I lived with in the same house.

Because I was so broken and didn’t know what love was supposed to be like, I was attracted to men who were emotionally absent. And even physically absent, like my father.

My ex would disappear for days, sometimes not answering my texts or calls. I’ve never been obsessive, I’d send one text and wait patiently for a reply. I’d give up. I’d think “he must be busy”. But my mind would run wild. Where is he? What is he doing? I made excuses for his behavior. I thought it was normal because the fact that anyone was around was enough for me.

3 days would pass.

And the one who was present? My guy roommate. He had his own room FYI. I cried and told him my boyfriend had been ghosting me. I didn’t understand why there was a wall I couldn’t break down. Even when he was present, I couldn’t read his thoughts and he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just a very practical guy. He could fix cars and lights. He could pay for dinner.

He understood instructions, and completed tasks, but when it came to his heart, he was completely illiterate.

My roommate played with bunnies on the grass. I thought he was a bit feminine. He wrote poetry and we would read our writing to each other.

I realized that I often went for guys who were emotionally unavailable because it was safer. I know it’s sound strange. Because emotional openness means telling your truth, and risking having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

It’s easier to shut your heart down completely than to speak your truth and feel those emotions.

My ex would tell me he needed space. “Why can’t you just tell me you need space?” I would say.

My roommate tucked me into my bed as I cried over my boyfriend at the time. Why am I with a ghost when there is flesh and blood here? He told me to breathe as he said breathing brings you back to yourself.

I didn’t understand it. I’d be attracted to a non-present man, while next to me was someone available, someone emotionally open, someone loving.

And my broken soul had to go for the broken man.

Someone I couldn’t attain, someone whose heart was locked with a dead bolt, tripled locked. No amount of prying, questioning, asking, praying seemed to do the job.

The only thing that pried my ex open was me mentioning breaking up.

It was the first time I saw him cry in the 2.5 years we were together. He begged and cried. What can I do to change, he asked. I said I needed to be with someone who believes in Jesus and I want to marry one day.

He said he would go to church with me. Let’s get married now!!

I said, no.

Because those weren’t the factors that prevented us from moving forward- I knew for ages that he wasn’t it, he wasn’t exactly what I wanted as a life partner.

So my heart didn’t want to break up, but my spirit knew – he’s not it. He’s not your life partner.

It’s easy to avoid talking about your emotions, it’s easy to shut down your heart.

What’s difficult is saying how you feel. And finding closure and agreement.

If you’re going through heartache I pray God would give you comfort in this hour. I pray you would know that God is with you.

He loves you dearly.

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1% of People Marry Their First Love

That’s what my friend said, to comfort me in my momentary despair.

I said “why do I have to meet guys who aren’t going to be my husband and then experience the heart break and pain? While I see people who just meet that one right person and seem to live happily ever after, or sure, with some issues in marriage”.

“There’s still some work to be done, deeper wounds that need to be healed” says another friend.

I’m 31. I don’t know how many more need to be healed but seems like an unending drama.

Like one of those dramas that are dragged on so that time can pass for no good reason but they have nothing to show on tv.

How come other people seem to have no issues….or maybe it’s just because they choose to settle for someone who has issues that they also have…and both refuse to heal or grow from it. Instead these couples live in their codependent miseries.

That really makes me feel better.

I am just choosing not to settle.

I could have settled with my ex, who was emotionally absent and had a wall that couldn’t be knocked down.

I could have settled for an alcoholic.

I could have settled for a selfish man.

So sure I see many who married and seem to have beautiful lives but who knows what’s behind the curtain? Most people don’t share their problems with the world. It’s better to smile for the camera and post a picture perfect marriage.

Well, my healing journey has not been easy. Having been single for 5 years the last year God gave me a dream where he showed me pictures of men like on tinder and said “get ready”.

Sure enough, the matches came.

But none were really it.

Something was always missing.

The main ingredient- an unfaltering and unwavering commitment to follow Jesus at any cost.

Sure I met good Christian men too, but they were half committed to Jesus. I would prophesy something over them and many of them are still where they are last year. I’m not saying they’re bad, I’m just saying I need to have the same level of faith with my hubby.

I can’t be dragged down trying to convince someone.

I met non Christian men too. But it was obvious their sole agenda was lust or longed for someone to fill the void that only Jesus could fill.

I healed from my issues and am still discovering if there are any more.

1. I had major trust issues because my dad cheated on my mom- God brought me people that were trustworthy and I realize men can be trusted, just need to be the right person.

2. My dad did not provide growing up and I realize that I want a man that loves to provide.

3. I cannot be with an alcoholic. I need someone who is completely filled with Jesus and His spirit.

4. Emotional vulnerability is key to the man I am supposed to be with. This man doesn’t just talk about work or how his day was but he talks about how he feels.

5. Honesty – I realize is everything and will break the thickest emotional wall.

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Testimony From A Musician I Met In Auckland

Thank you to a beautiful soul for writing this testimony. I am so glad the nightmares stopped for Shayne and I am encouraged to see the fruits of my labor- that it hasn’t been in vain. I also grew up with a highly critical mother so encouraging words are highly prized for me. To be honest, there are very few people that come back to thank me. I know that I have always done it because I love Jesus, I don’t do it for men- but when someone comes back and gives appreciation- my heart is encouraged. Words are more powerful than anything in the world. So I am truly grateful for this testimony to keep encouraging me on this path of following God.

“I met rebekka in a chinese food restaurant across the street from the hotel I was staying at when she came over and introduced herself. she was interested in me and travel buddy because of my t-shirt and our hometown LA in common. as we got to talking I got to hear lots about her situation traveling and listening to god. eventually she asked if she could pray for us.

I’m not religious but I’m always tolerant of people who mean well and I could obviously feel Rebekkas warm intent. When she prayed for me however it was not like any other prayer she read deep with in my travel buddy, Shayne and claimed to see her drawing pretty flowers and calligraphy. my mouth dropped because I knew how fantastic of an artist Shayne was/is. As if I wasn’t already blown away already, it was then my turn.

I was half deflated because I had already told Rebekka i’m a musician and about my band, I thought for sure she would say something about music and it wouldn’t be quite as impressive to me. however of all things she could’ve said she told me she saw a parent figure yelling at me perhaps my dad? I was floored a couple weeks prior to our trip I was explaining to Shayne how I read about the effects on self confidence in a person who’s yelled at growing up. She assured me that god loved me and that I am whole. after that we parted only to find that we were staying at the same hotel. Shayne and I grabbed a bottle of wine and some chocolate to indulge in while playing pool in the lobby late at night. As the wine bottle emptied I had more questions I remember saying I wish Rebekka was here.

Low and behold five minutes later Rebekka was in the lobby claiming that she had heard music and fall asleep, that there was too much uncertainty and that she felt like were staying in that side of the hotel (she pointed) and was correct. I later came to the conclusion that if any two people were to sound of music it would be us. She offered to share with us more of her prophetic gift this time getting even deeper with Shayne who mentioned her nightmares that have tormented her since she was a child. Rebekka prayed that the nightmares would stop and they did. For a couple of months Shaynes dreams were purely light. I encourage anyone who’s curious and a higher power to listen to what Rebekka has to say. And Rebekka I hope you’re doing amazing you’ve had an incredibly positive impact on our lives. thanks again”

Thank you Luke!!!

I also want to share my side of the story. I had just come back from the north side of New Zealand, God told me to go back to Auckland and a receptionist I prayed for in Paiha, offered to book a hostel room for me when I asked for a donation. I was shocked and felt God’s provision because I was literally on my last few dollars.

When we looked online I felt God said “you have to stay at kiwi hotel”.

I took a nap and woke up to eat. I felt I had to go across the street and wanted Chinese food. I was looking at different menus but when I walked past a noodle/dumpling place I kept hearing dumplings, dumplings, dumplings.

Okay God. I went in and sat there for almost 2 hours watching Korean drama. I wasn’t in the mood to pray or prophesy over anyone. In fact, I felt a lot of lack and felt that God was pushing me too hard. I had stayed one night in each place He told me to go. In 14 days I’ve probably stayed in 14 different hostels. It was really hard.

I met people on buses, hostels and these were divine and specificities encounters. He had provided the finances for each day as I obeyed and ministered to people, but each day was full of uncertainty and I was tired of stepping out in faith.

The day before I had to ask 10 backpackers for help and ended up prophesying over all of them. The hostel claimed that I didn’t pay when I did on my card. In the north of New Zealand a police man showed up saying a boy accused me of basically being a pedophile after I asked to pray for him. So my share of hardship was piling up. This kind of challenge was normal in my year of following Jesus.

When I was eating I suddenly looked up and saw Luke’s t-shirt. I was tired of being brave. I had been brave everyday and couldn’t be any braver. I was also physically exhausted and discouraged at times. Suddenly the whole restaurant was empty but the two and I.

It prompted me to go ask for a photo of his shirt and our conversation naturally led to me asking to pray for them. Without even asking, Luke said he wanted to contribute and said “here- dinner is on me”.

I got to my room and was going to sleep but suddenly heard music coming from next door. I thought maybe it is them. I went downstairs to ask for another room and that’s when I saw them at the pool table. I was like wow.

And what he said ensued.

God’s ways are beyond what we can imagine.

I hope this shows you the power of prophesy and when we speak into peoples’ hearts what God is saying versus judgement because judgment is pure evil and judgment is of the devil, not God. God’s heart is always to bless and prosper us with words of life, not death.

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Jesus Was Not A People Pleaser

Today I had a huge revelation.

I don’t realize this but at times I feel pressured to be something I’m not because some people use financial contribution to manipulate or force me to be something I’m not.

In the beginning of ministry, when I was in Bali- a Christian wrote me and asked me several questions. How much do you spend per month, how do you know it is God speaking to you, etc. He said by knowing these things he would be more knowledgeable about how he and his wife could support me.

At first I replied thinking, wow- this guy and his wife wants to support me and contribute to what I’m doing.

But then after he said that God told him to observe what I’m doing.

I doubt that God told him to micro manage me. When God says to people – watch and learn, He is not saying “micromanage her and find out the how’s”…He is saying “watch how she steps out in faith without knowing how”.

That is how I’ve lived in the last year and even before that.

After quitting my job in 2011 I never really knew how God would provide exactly since I was freelancing and even picking up bottles to recycle…

But I heard His voice and His voice would lead me continually into the unknown.

So when God tells you to give to my ministry, He wants you to be connected to a faith that continues to step out without knowing how.

I have many people trying to micromanage me or hoping that they know everything about anything, but the truth is – I don’t even know where I’m staying tomorrow but God just says go.

That’s how I live now.

I don’t have my ducks in a row, I just get on the bus.

Sometimes I don’t know how the charge went through on my debit card but days like this, because of the weekend, I’m amazed that a lot of pending charges haven’t gone through and I can use it freely.

I live in a dimension of life that most don’t understand.

Why would a Buddhist/atheist at a bus stop donate $100 after telling him my testimony? I don’t know. God moved His heart. He said he donates to homeless people and I asked if he would donate to me. He said yes of course, a woman on her own, it’s incredible he said.

Why would a cashier just tell me he never met his dad? To a customer like me? So that I could give him my contact info and most likely meet with him after…I told him that I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and that I understood.

People think by understanding everything I’m doing that I’ve qualified under their list of qualifications to receive their financial support, but I don’t need it.

Not if I’m going to be scrutinized and manipulated.

God’s provision and blessing does not need human qualifications. I’m qualified by Jesus’ blood alone and I don’t need to bend and break for peoples’ approval- Christians or non-Christians.

If I’m outcasted by the majority of Christians I’m okay with that. I’m approved if by God, not man.

Why would God use a young woman like me? Jesus’ blood qualified me, not my education or ordained position at a church. Not my title as a pastor or prophet, not my smarts or eloquent words…I’m qualified by Jesus’ sacrifice!

Nothing else. Not by how much I read the Bible or how much I pray, not by church attendance or how much I love people.

And what continues to gain my access and provision is my choice to believe it’s by His finished work and not by my works!

If you give you give because Jesus gave it to you, not because you feel obligated to. You’re free to do whatever you want!

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Chinese man at the Airbnb I stayed at

Birthing In The Secret Place + Promotion Is Coming

pexels-photo-1024985

The Lord told me to write about this.

When a woman is pregnant, the fetus grows inside her womb to protect the baby from outside threats. Her womb is like a covering, a place of protection, a secret place that no one else can enter. 

I felt like our DREAMS are the same. We need a secret place to birth our dreams. Whatever God has told you, you can’t share with just anyone.

I had many years of learning to walk in the secret place. I had many dreams, dreams like “I’m going to be like Asian Oprah” or “I’m going to travel the world speaking to people”, some dreams were a source of ridicule and jokes for my relatives. They looked at my life and couldn’t see any hint of “success”.

The truth is God was working in my heart.

He started me off this way- asking me to pray or pastor just one person.

This person could be in the gym, in a swimming pool, in the movie theater, in a bathroom, on the streets, in the park. 

Many of us want a pulpit or a stage, but we refuse to love the one person God has put in our lives. That is why God sent me home to love the one person I thought was the MOST difficult to love, my own mother. I spent 2 years zipping my mouth when I wanted to scream, I spent 2 years learning patience.

I learned to submit and to obey God in the hard places. Am I perfect? No. I learned to apologize when I didn’t want to, I learned to communicate my pain even if she might not understand.

I sense this on God’s heart- when He calls you and  you answer, will you do it without recognition? Will you do it in secret? Will it be enough to hear Him say “well done servant?”

In due time He surely rewards those who obey Him- Joseph obeyed God by interpreting a fellow inmates’ dreams. He did what he could, where he was situated. He didn’t wait for God to put him in Pharaoh’s presence before he did what he was called to do. 

The worse thing was that one of the inmates actually forgot about him “ The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.” Genesis 40:23

How many of you have been forgotten by someone? Maybe you did something nice and that person didn’t choose to promote you in the job or in your life. Maybe they actually turned on you. But the LORD NEVER FORGETS, even if one person forgets you! 

“When two full years had passed, Pharaoh had a dream” Genesis 41:1

“Then the chief cupbearer said to Pharaoh, “Today I am reminded of my shortcomings. 10 Pharaoh was once angry with his servants, and he imprisoned me and the chief baker in the house of the captain of the guard. 11 Each of us had a dream the same night, and each dream had a meaning of its own. 12 Now a young Hebrew was there with us, a servant of the captain of the guard. We told him our dreams, and he interpreted them for us, giving each man the interpretation of his dream. 13 And things turned out exactly as he interpreted them to us: I was restored to my position, and the other man was impaled.”

“So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, and he was quickly brought from the dungeon.When he had shaved and changed his clothes, he came before Pharaoh.”

“Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be in charge of my palace,and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you.”

I felt such a leap in my spirit as I reread this story.

The LORD wants you to know that HE SEES YOU and whatever you’ve been doing faithfully HE WILL reward you.

But first, you must believe you are worthy.

The truth is I battle with unworthiness, sometimes not feeling good enough, sometimes feeling discouraged by the voices of the enemy, sometimes I experience headaches and all forms of attacks, I experience bad dreams, sometimes I feel like I can’t go on anymore, I feel lack, I worry about how the future will unfold, I worry about money, I worry about how God will provide….

BUT like yesterday, I had to press in. Whether it’s praying in tongues or reading out loud truths about who I am, whether it’s asking people to pray for me, I had to press in.

It’s a spiritual warfare, those voices, those diseases, those sicknesses, unbelief.

But you must choose to battle in the secret place. 

GOD I believe, but help my unbelief.

I’ve been a pioneer, when God called me, I didn’t know how I would ever survive. There were tests, emotional wounding, dishonor, humiliation. I was driven to the walls, I thought I was going insane. I said God I can’t take this anymore. I’m following you but I have to bear persecution, this is inhumane. I’m following you, but I have to be humiliated, shamed, accused? 

But 2 years later, after I obeyed when He said “sell everything and follow me”, I am sitting in South Africa and I’ve ministered in 4 countries already. I don’t speak behind pulpits, I don’t speak on stages.

I hold hands with janitors in bathrooms and pray for them. I lay hands on homeless people, I’ve told my testimony in churches (in unofficial ways, in organic ways), I’ve prayed for pastors and cleaners, I walk up to strangers in restaurants.

Today if you are going through battles of your own, read this out loud.

I am a child of God. I am not an orphan. The father is taking care of me. I am not alone. He is with me always. He will never leave nor forsake me. He will Provide and protect me. Hosts of angels are watching over me.

Will you birth in the secret place? God is protecting you and that is why you may not be getting the recognition and honor you deserve. God is also testing your heart, are you doing it out of pure love or out of selfish desire? Are you loving people to get something back or are you TRUSTING GOD to recompense you?

And also it is important to protect your BABY (DREAMS) from people who will destroy or abort it. It might mean not talking to certain relatives for a while, cutting ties with certain friends, not watching movies or tv shows that will hurt the conception and growth of your dreams, it may mean sacrificing or surrendering a job or a savings account for the sake of building His kingdom, it may mean moving to another city.

Would you prayerfully consider sowing a seed today? I’ve been ministering since July in Taiwan, Korea, Japan and South Africa. I will be going to China next. Funds are needed for me to continue ministering and praying for people on the ground. 

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Luke 6:38 I believe this verse truly as I have seen it in my own life. When I gave, I saw the Lord give more abundantly to me.

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Street pastor and prophet, Rebekka

May He bless you with peace and joy. You are enough in Christ Jesus. You are not lacking. You are whole. In Jesus name Amen.