Hi everyone, I wanted to share this video which was released today on KTLA 5. As you know my journey with healing from issues with my dad and men have been a long long journey. My heart was really closed off to men for a long time. I hated men to be honest. I would feel wounded about one thing that a guy did and hold onto hate.
God had to heal me and it’s been a LONG LONG journey for those who have been following my blog FOR A LONG TIME.
I always wanted to get married and I am still waiting until marriage, I VOW to GOD and JESUS and I believe God is doing the healing even now.
If you are going through what I’m going through, you are NOT ALONE. My dad was not there for me, he was an absent and avoidant father who constantly disappointed me. He is an alcoholic and has an addiction.
I wanted to also share THIS video from years ago where I talked about receiving love and being afraid to reject or disappoint people.
For a lot of my life, I lived to please others and had a hard time speaking my mind. I wanted people to like me and had a hard time standing up for myself.
I’m so blessed to have the opportunities I’ve had to heal and be on tv shows in the last year. God used every opportunity to heal my heart from an absence of love in my life. Even though I went through a lot with my boyfriend, he has also healed from his issues.
Silence, another call out of hundreds, no reply. My heart feels numb. My heart felt numb for much of my childhood. I only saw my dad after 10 years of not seeing him or talking to him.
When I got older I started to pursue a relationship with him. It was endless calling, no replies. For 2 years, silence.
I was used to the silence and the silence numbed me. But when I called, I’d feel my heart, it was me trying.
I felt fear I guess you can say. The numbness was a sort of fear saying that “you don’t deserve love”, and you will never get reciprocation. And if that’s the case what was the point of trying. So I didn’t really try in other areas of my life, until I started to want to feel.
I wanted to feel everything, the tears, the disappointment, I wanted to no longer feel numb. I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to feel anger.
And I needed to call, I needed to say how I felt, I didn’t want to live in witchcraft anymore. I wanted to feel everything.
So I started to say how I felt, to anyone and anything and my heart broke open and the tears came, I cry at least once a day. That meant I needed to do things that scared me, to say how I felt, to do things that terrify me, to tell the truth. To be punished for telling the truth, to face the hard things, the things that made me feel guilty, ashamed, to say anything and everything.
This year, I’ve conquered many giants. I’ve been on several YouTube and tv shows, I’ve been on many projects, I’ve done things that scared me and I’ve followed my heart. I’ve gone to court, I’ve spoken to judges and attorneys, I’ve laid out my deck of cards and everything I’ve got.
Rebekka Lien is an actress, stand up comedian, and prophet. She has been on reality show TLC Married By Mom and Dad, Design Genius, Culture Shock, Liquid Death commercial, 100 Things travel show, America’s Court, He Gets Us commercial, Let’s Make A Deal, Music videos with Dababy, Cosas De La Vida, Psychward Druggies, and appeared on Alpharad’s YouTube channel, pranked by Jay Kinda Funny, Riceman and much more. She has performed as a stand up comedian at Haha Comedy Club, Hotel Cafe and many other venues. She is also a music composer for films.
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For a long time I felt really numb and God would tell me to let love in.
I would disassociate and try to figure out the best way to guard myself from pain. I would simply leave if I felt the discomfort or tension within my heart. I didn’t realize that discomfort was love trying to come into my heart.
I think a lot of people use logic and knowledge to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone. They talk about what they know instead of how they feel.
But God has told me to “tell people how I feel” and it’s made a huge difference in my life.
Instead of getting busy and doing stuff, I’ve learned that when I do that it’s because I’m scared to emotional intimacy. That is how I grew up, instead of letting love in, I was taught to do stuff, to be busy. My mom would start cleaning instead of saying how she felt.
I’ve seen others do similar, but in different ways. My ex would sit down and shut down because he didn’t know how to say that he was scared to get close to me. It was a protective mechanism. I would feel really frustrated and I felt distant from him because he wouldn’t express himself to me. He would come back feeling fine but I felt excluded from his emotional journey.
Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I had situations where I was being ignored or ghosted by a friend that I thought was a friend…he bailed from a project on set and I ended up not being able to complete the project because he left. I was triggered by two people avoiding confrontation and was reminded of my dad who didn’t talk to me for 10 years. The pain rose up and I felt intense pain. I felt my whole being hurting. What hurt was that my ex used my past against me when he was angry.
It’s scary how you can feel completely close to someone but then they use the most personal pain to thwart you and destroy you on the inside. Love is really scary. After I cried about my dad thought I felt liberated.
I suddenly felt like the pain wasn’t so hard to process.
It’s just pain and it feels horrible but when you’re done crying, you’re still alive.
You might be scared to face the pain but when you do, you’ll be glad you did. I feel so much happier because I allowed my heart to feel that betrayal and pain.
We all want love don’t we, but we often don’t think we are avoidant of love. I was avoidant of love. I used “figuring things out” as a way to avoid emotions. I would ask God “is He the one?” instead of truly getting to know someone or experiencing intimacy with them. That’s what church taught me. They taught me about soul ties, which was a lie and misconception that caused me to avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy.
Instead of letting love in, I’d ask God what I should do. This was a communistic and legalistic way which avoided my heart from FEELING my emotions.
God would tell me “tell that person how you feel”, I started to get in touch with my emotions and it was scary at first because I often felt numb in my twenties. The negligence of my dad made me feel uncared for. I felt like my dad did not care about me nor did he love me. I felt shunned and I often felt numb.
Tonight I felt something so powerful I have never felt before. Someone told me how he felt and unfortunately I did not feel the same, but I told him how I felt. Instead of shutting him down I told him that I felt bad that I could not make him happy. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings that he had for me.When he replied with grace I realized that love is unconditional and it embraces, it doesn’t reject. Love communicates emotions.
Instead of going numb, I spoke my truth about how I felt in the moment with someone who was rambling and that broke the fear. We often allow others to ramble while we are totally numb, but then both parties are numb and unfeeling, and also largely disconnected.
A lot of people use sexuality to feel but what if you’re able to express your emotions and feel your emotions without using sex to feel it. We live in an over sexualized society where people are unable to express their emotions effectively towards someone. Because words have power and what if by expressing how we feel we conquer the fear of intimacy and build intimacy and emotional connection…most of all UNDERSTANDING.
God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.
For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.
Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.
Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.
Sometimes we love people who abuse us.
It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.
Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.
He wants to see me.
That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.
God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.
But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.
When you think of someone, contact them.
When you appreciate someone, tell them.
When you miss someone, tell them.
“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?”
The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.
When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.
My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response.
Does he care about me? Does he love me?
That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love.
That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.
You’re not alone.
Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel.
Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love.
I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.
Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication.
I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love.
I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends.
God is really unconventional.
Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.
But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me.
One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.
In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do.
Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.
Again I felt that she was trying to control me.
I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.
Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely.
What are you afraid to tell people?
Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”
If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.
This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.
My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.
Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?
I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.
But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.
He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.
He told me to put on makeup.
It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing.
Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.
Same with my mother.
I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her.
I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”
After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.
I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do.
I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.
Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.
That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship.Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth.
My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed.
It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship.
Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.
Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.
Rebekka Lien 