Improv Spoken Word – Are You Dead or Alive Dad?

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Speed Dating Event Thursday 7pm ET

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I’m excited to be the host tomorrow for a speed dating event for Couple.com. I hope to see you there!

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Free Online Speed Dating

Hi everyone!

Are you struggling to meet friends or make a genuine connection with someone romantically?

I’ve tried Couple TV twice and really love it and wanted to share it with you. I’m promoting for them and will also be a host next week! I’m so psyched! I met people from Seattle, Carolina, Canada, I even met another actor who had a podcast. It has been a great way to build community and put myself out there.

Here’s the online free speed dating event sign up for today! Please stay the entire event and fill out the questionnaire at the end! Remember to use Chrome Browser only! Enjoy and have fun. Let me know if you have any questions. Sign up here!

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Letting Love In

For a long time I felt really numb and God would tell me to let love in.

I would disassociate and try to figure out the best way to guard myself from pain. I would simply leave if I felt the discomfort or tension within my heart. I didn’t realize that discomfort was love trying to come into my heart.

I think a lot of people use logic and knowledge to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone. They talk about what they know instead of how they feel.

But God has told me to “tell people how I feel” and it’s made a huge difference in my life.

Instead of getting busy and doing stuff, I’ve learned that when I do that it’s because I’m scared to emotional intimacy. That is how I grew up, instead of letting love in, I was taught to do stuff, to be busy. My mom would start cleaning instead of saying how she felt.

I’ve seen others do similar, but in different ways. My ex would sit down and shut down because he didn’t know how to say that he was scared to get close to me. It was a protective mechanism. I would feel really frustrated and I felt distant from him because he wouldn’t express himself to me. He would come back feeling fine but I felt excluded from his emotional journey.

Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I had situations where I was being ignored or ghosted by a friend that I thought was a friend…he bailed from a project on set and I ended up not being able to complete the project because he left. I was triggered by two people avoiding confrontation and was reminded of my dad who didn’t talk to me for 10 years. The pain rose up and I felt intense pain. I felt my whole being hurting. What hurt was that my ex used my past against me when he was angry.

It’s scary how you can feel completely close to someone but then they use the most personal pain to thwart you and destroy you on the inside. Love is really scary. After I cried about my dad thought I felt liberated.

I suddenly felt like the pain wasn’t so hard to process.

It’s just pain and it feels horrible but when you’re done crying, you’re still alive.

You might be scared to face the pain but when you do, you’ll be glad you did. I feel so much happier because I allowed my heart to feel that betrayal and pain.

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Heart & Love Breakthrough

We all want love don’t we, but we often don’t think we are avoidant of love. I was avoidant of love. I used “figuring things out” as a way to avoid emotions. I would ask God “is He the one?” instead of truly getting to know someone or experiencing intimacy with them. That’s what church taught me. They taught me about soul ties, which was a lie and misconception that caused me to avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy.

Instead of letting love in, I’d ask God what I should do. This was a communistic and legalistic way which avoided my heart from FEELING my emotions.

God would tell me “tell that person how you feel”, I started to get in touch with my emotions and it was scary at first because I often felt numb in my twenties. The negligence of my dad made me feel uncared for. I felt like my dad did not care about me nor did he love me. I felt shunned and I often felt numb.

Tonight I felt something so powerful I have never felt before. Someone told me how he felt and unfortunately I did not feel the same, but I told him how I felt. Instead of shutting him down I told him that I felt bad that I could not make him happy. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings that he had for me. When he replied with grace I realized that love is unconditional and it embraces, it doesn’t reject. Love communicates emotions.

Instead of going numb, I spoke my truth about how I felt in the moment with someone who was rambling and that broke the fear. We often allow others to ramble while we are totally numb, but then both parties are numb and unfeeling, and also largely disconnected.

A lot of people use sexuality to feel but what if you’re able to express your emotions and feel your emotions without using sex to feel it. We live in an over sexualized society where people are unable to express their emotions effectively towards someone. Because words have power and what if by expressing how we feel we conquer the fear of intimacy and build intimacy and emotional connection…most of all UNDERSTANDING.

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God Wants To Break Down Your Walls

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Follow Your Heart

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God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.

For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.

Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.

Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.

Sometimes we love people who abuse us.

It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.

Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.

He wants to see me. 

That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.

God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.

But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.

When you think of someone, contact them.

When you appreciate someone, tell them.

When you miss someone, tell them. 

“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?” 

The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.

When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.

My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response. 

Does he care about me? Does he love me?

That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love. 

That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.

You’re not alone.

Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel. 

Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love. 

I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.

Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication. 

I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love. 

I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends. 

God is really unconventional.

Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.

But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me. 

One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.

In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do. 

Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.

Again I felt that she was trying to control me.

I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.

Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely. 

What are you afraid to tell people? 

Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”

If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.

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Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Love Letter From God

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Here’s a letter from God….to me, but It’s also a LETTER TO YOU.

Dear Rebekka, or (Dear YOU),

You are so strong. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me. And even when you didn’t, thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for your honesty, thank you for sharing your heart with me.

You are the best gift anyone can offer me. I own the world, but I covet peoples’ hearts. I covet your whole heart. That’s all I want. Your heart. Thank you for entrusting your heart to me.

Thank you for persevering even when the fire got hot, even when the battle seemed like it would never stop. Thank you for clinging onto me, and trusting me. You know the battle never lasts right? You have come out golden. 

I’m removing the dust, and the scars, pretty soon you will be brand new. You’ll hope again, dream again, don’t give up. You’re my biggest joy, when I see you smile, I smile too. You are the love of my life, you know?

I just want to bless you continuously. That’s my heart for you. I’ll never take from you, even if I take from you, I’m meaning to bless you more, in multitudes.

You know I will NEVER judge you right? Because Jesus was already judged and punished for your sins. I will never get mad at you, yell at you or condemn you.

I don’t see fault or sin in you.

My dreams are to flourish and prosper you. It’s already there, you are already enough. You are golden my dear, you are so precious to me. You are everything that I hoped you would be. I am so proud of you.

You know you are the whole package right? Right now, you lack nothing, you are shiny, golden, enough, whole, pure, bright, radiant, beautiful. You never lacked anything or anyone. You became whole when you said yes to me, so that I only see Jesus in you, you are the perfect image of God.

You know I would never criticize you or yell at you?

I would only encourage you. Because you are perfect in my eyes.

And I may say a few things to wake you up, because I know you’re hurting yourself. A father would never allow their kids to get hurt. I give you freedom to run and be free. You are allowed to do what you want and desire. Follow your heart.

Be free, fall, fail (though there is no such thing as failure because you are still perfect and righteous in my eyes), and get up with me. Hold my hand so you don’t get lost. Never stop holding my hand.

I love you so dearly. You are the apple of my eyes. I have many more love letters for you and I hope you read them one by one, I hope you listen.

Humans may never give you the love you need or want, but my love will overwhelm you for good. But never stop listening, never close your heart. Your heart is a muscle that needs practice. Love is not always easy, but you can always fall back into my arms. It’s easy to rest in me. It’s easy to rely on me. 

All you have to do is let go of control, let go of self- condemnation.

You’ve done enough, you’ve loved enough, you’ve been battered but you’re enough.

You don’t have to try so hard. Let me love you. 

You’re enough.

There is no where to go but here, there is nothing to do but be. You are enough.

I long for your intimacy, an open heart. Tell me the desires of your heart, tell me how your heart aches and tell me if you’re mad at me. Tell me everything because I can take it. That’s how I long to know you. I want to walk with you.

I’m so excited to show you the beautiful things I’m going to reveal to you. I’m going to surprise you when you least expect it. Keep your eyes on me. Your dreams are not dead, they are alive and well. 

My timing is perfect, you are not late, you haven’t missed it! I am just on time!

You don’t have to do a thing to make me love you, I loved you since and before you were born. You are enough as my child. No need to perform or to achieve for me, no need to try or do more. I want you to rest knowing I’ve got your back, no need to look for success. You are a success. 

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I am so proud of you dear,

God

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Growing up, I did not feel safe with my mother as she was constantly reprimanding or yelling at me. There were few words of encouragement and I’ve had to confront her about it to get her to be more encouraging. Even saying “I love you” was difficult when I got older.

Then going to church, I was constantly told that I needed to do more, serve more or be more loving. No one actually told me that I was whole in Christ Jesus. No one told me that Jesus’ work was actually complete, it was a complete payment for my iniquities and shortcomings.

When I left that church God started to teach me what grace actually was.

He taught me that I was a child of God and that I only needed to rest to learn what it meant to receive from God. I was constantly working for God but never received from God because I was working for what I had versus freely receiving. 

When I learned to rest in His finished work, I started to learn what it meant to be a child. However, it came with a level of persecution that I did not expect from people. 

You are God’s child, not an orphan, not a slave, not an employee.

To partner and give- thank you for your love and support. I could not have done it without your support this year. Thank you to the friends that I call family now. I love you all, Rebekka.

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Choose God’s Path

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

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