One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.
I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.
She belittled the hurt.
And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed.
I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.
I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.
After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.
It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.
During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.
But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.
That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.
“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”.
When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.
I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets.
I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions.
Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.
I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.
I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.
But kids are rarely taught boundaries.
I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.
I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.
But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday.
I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.
I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live.
I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay.
We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.
People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving.
But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me.
It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.
A queen seated on high.
It’s okay to grieve the last season. Maybe you lost some friendships, relationships in your life. Maybe you were disappointed. God is not scared of your emotions.
God wants your emotions.
He wants you to be honest with Him.
Don’t be afraid to FEEL the FEELINGS.
We are not robots, we are human beings.
Even though our emotions aren’t always based on the truth of who we are, perhaps people accused us or we’ve been rejected and they are speaking lies about you….but it still hurts.
It’s okay to FEEL THE FEELINGS.
Yes, there is a hope and a future for 2018 but maybe you haven’t processed the feelings of pain and loss. Take this time now to grieve, to cry.
You can’t possibly feel joy if you haven’t processed the pain.
The death of something requires a grieving process. God can soften the pain, God will certainly be your comforter.
He wants to walk with you through the pain.
“Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them. He said: 3“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”….Matthew 5:1-4
So cry those tears, cry until your heart doesn’t feel blocked anymore.
Then you can start to see clearly what 2018 is about. Yes, your breakthrough is here. You just need to cry out the last season. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to surrender. God has your back, He hasn’t forgotten you. He has a great plan for you this year. I promise.
But it’s time to LET GO and surrender. Let it ALL out.
God loves you.
Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.
I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.
And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand.
Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.
I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough.
And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.
I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice.
Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.
And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.
In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”.
And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now.
No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me.
I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.
I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful.
The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.
I’m stepping out and letting my heart be exposed. I’m letting go of control. Your heart is safe for me.
I’m learning emotional vulnerability with God. I’ve had a relationship with God since I was very young. I didn’t grow up with my dad, and my mom was rather emotionally unavailable. I often played under the table in my room. I had a really wild upbringing, mostly being home alone at a young age. I was free in a way, but always looking for protection, always defending and protecting my heart. I read an article I wrote about my life in a newspaper to my mom once and she got really mad, told me not to write about it because it seems like she was really irresponsible and neglected me.
But I realize that when I’m vulnerable with the world, perhaps I can reach one person who feels alone, someone in pain, someone who isn’t brave enough to ask others for help.
I’m afraid to write honestly because of how mean the world has been to me. Because of the response I’ve gotten to my writing, because of the judgement I’ve heard from strangers. Here’s vulnerability.
I’ve been afraid to be myself because how the world has treated me, or perhaps how I’ve treated myself.
For awhile my heart was numb because of all the pain I went through in my life. I felt pain because of I felt like I couldn’t breathe again after a broken relationship, I felt pain because I lost friends that were dear to me, I got mad at God, I closed my heart off. Instead of going to God for comfort, I pretended everything was okay.
Joseph had a dream, a big dream and his brothers laughed at him, he was tricked and sent to prison for years. That was his desert. I’m just walking out of the prison. The prison was people who were close to me laughing at my dreams. The prison was my shutting my heart off. The prison was pretending to forgive and forget, but feeling the pain still. The prison was my unwillingness to believe that God was safe.
And slowly I poured my heart out, it is a physical tension I still feel. I’ll feel a literal ache in my heart, my neck starts to hurt and in the pressure of all the stress, my hand has felt numb as if an after effect of my heart tension.
So in it all, I let go of controlling the pain or the fears. Because I know you are safe God.
The winds are particularly strong today.
Loneliness can be such an unsettling disease. At first you are okay with the things that complicate your life, the art that stimulates your eye, the décor and the clothes. Those exterior fancies seem to come and go, the hand, the human interactions are what resonate in our mind. Someone breathing, smiling, eyes alive compared to a room full of things. It is also unsettling how little I can get rid of.
I keep selling my things off and for some reason, it looks like I have more. The things keep haunting me. For most of us, our lives become more and more complicated, intricate, interwoven, spun faster when we get older. Responsibilities pile, social media boggles our mind day and night, technology tends to complicate rather than simplify.
The rat race is tiring.
Sometimes my brain would stop thinking, but when I’m alone the question of life forces their way into my head like h20 seeping through cracks in wooden doors. Now I realize, work isn’t everything. Without love we are prone to become robots and machines, without affection, we are but heartless creatures. What does silence have to say about us human beings?
A hunger for the good life lies deep within us all. But it requires an honest evaluation of who we are and how we are living. Some manage to avoid these hard questions for years, or even for a whole lifetime- diligently going with each year’s flow without pausing to imagine other possible destinations. With the passing of years, our childhood dreams are pierced by reality. Our daily lives are filled with obligations and pressures. As we grow older, we drift away from “what could be” towrad a life shaped not by personal vision or calling but by circumstance and compromise”- Life Entrepreneur
“You need to understand that the world you see outside of you is a reflection of what you see inside of you. If you see only problems and darkness and despair, that’s all it’s ever going to be. If you are a person who sees hope and opportunity and the face of God, then you can be one with the people who make real change”.
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexppected in common hours. He will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings”.
Pictures taken in Australia
+ Take Time to Grow– Herbs and nature take time to grow, so do we! We need time and space to be nurtured into beautiful beings.
+ Live life in truth– without truth we live a lie, we must love truthfully, speak truth in love, and let love guide us.
+ Lean into your pain– do not run away, escape or deny your pain. Those times of hurt, lean into it. Lean all your might, your being into the pain because in pain, you will encounter truth. In pain, you will find again who you were before the lies robbed you of your rights, your inheritance.
Events coming up– Me playing on cello and selling my jewelry (http://rebekkalien.storenvy.com) March 17th (Honey Badger Cafe in Alhambra). This will be an innovative, totally random, fun even consisting of music, fun and art with Justine Tsayfan. More info coming up soon!! Hope to see you there!