I Can’t Please Anyone, I Can Only Be Myself

I was laying on my couch in a fetal position. I don’t know, I was scared. If you’re in relationship with people, you’ll get hurt and you’ll hurt people. I’m petrified to be in relationships with new people, I’ve been really hurt in the past 2 years (doing ministry).

That’s something I did not feel like going through. And now, people were actually being nice to me, they were approaching me, messaging me, saying they liked me a lot.

But it’s scary when people are nice to you, because any minute they can betray you and one wrong thing can tick them off (I’ve realized). Maybe they never told you how they actually felt and they were bottling everything inside and now one thing you’ve done wrong have totally pissed them off. 

What about all the things you’ve helped them with? It seems that it no longer matters. It happened to me, and it frightened me how quick people could change.

I realize because the last couple of months I’ve experienced a lot of judgement and rejection from people around me. Some were unintentional, and some well, I was confused by it. How could I have done it better? I’ll think. I thought it was maybe better to not deal with people, yet there were people all around me.

Ministry is that, people.

I am not perfect, my word is not final. God’s is. Everyone must hear God for themselves, not rely on a teacher, preacher or prophet.

I think I’m petrified in making a mistake in relationships. It’s easy to prophesy and leave, but to actually manage peoples’ hurts and emotions, and not to take on the responsibility to heal them- give it to God. 

That’s the hard part. Ministry is so hard.

I’m a human too, I have emotions. It hurts to be rejected and judged because everyone has triggers, everyone has past hurts. Something I might say may trigger someone and then when they blow up, I feel like it’s my fault. But I know it’s not, yet, it takes time to recover. 

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Welcoming new people into my life is difficult, it takes courage, it takes grace.

I am not perfect, I am perfect in God’s eyes sure, but I may not always know how to act or be, and that’s why I need to realize, it’s not on me to make others happy, I just need to know I am enough in God’s eyes, be myself and be gracious towards myself if someone gets hurt. 

I can ONLY be myself, write authentically, speak truthfully and obey God for myself.

I cannot be responsible for your emotions and your life. I cannot take on false burdens and responsibility and try to make YOU happy.

People come to me and tell me not to write a specific or certain thing and I start doubting, “God should I change what I write so they won’t feel bad or be triggered?” and I often hear “just be honest”. 

I can’t change how I write, what I say, who I am. I just have to continue being myself. 

I know I am influential and I have a platform, but it’s a platform God gave me – not to please anyone, but to be 100 PERCENT myself. If I change what I write to please you, I’ll not be myself. I can try to communicate and understand your story, but I can’t change who I am to appease men. 

Please do not rely on me, please do not think I’m the ultimate voice. Please don’t put that much power in me.

I’m learning to live from a place of freedom versus fear, a place where I can be totally myself and not try to please anyone, or play defense all the time, just waiting for when someone gets ticked off and explodes.

I hope that there will be more people who actually tell the truth at all times and are not afraid of confrontation. 

I want these people in my inner circle and I believe it is a safe place to be, no judgement or rejection, but only honesty and love. We’ve all been hurt before, but it’s important to start speaking your truth to people even when it’s scary and know that you’re a child of God, loved by the heavenly Father.

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MY TESTIMONY– https://rebekkalien.com/2019/12/23/my-testimony/

A Real Conversation with God About Pain

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To Listen to the Blog post 

I hear you talk, and I know your voice but I don’t seem to know what I feel or what I’m thinking.

This needs to be fixed. I felt like a mute kid, that kid playing under the table. I stopped speaking because I lost my heart to betrayals and heartbreaks.

What’s the point of speaking if I’ll be dismissed. 

I saw this in my relationship with my dad, I spoke my mind but he disappeared, for a few days without telling me.

He disappeared for 10 years, then every time I visited another 3 went back.

I saw this pattern in my life, people disappearing. 

But you never did, did you God?

God – no. I never will.

Me- But why does it feel like you are silent when I need you to speak, and why do you speak when I want you to be silent?

God- Because I can’t be controlled and I don’t need to give you directions all the time, you can trust your heart.

Me- I’m not sure if I trust my heart because it obviously gets trampled when I throw my pearls to people. I try to guard my heart the best I can, but I still get ravaged.

God- Your heart is in the palm of my hands and I love you to the earth and back. You are my beloved and I will never let you go, I will never neglect you.

Me- But why does it feel like you are neglecting me right now. Why is everything so hard? Like pins and needles in my heart?

God- Come to me and I will give you rest. You don’t have to be afraid of me.

Me- It’s easier to fix the external things then to just submit myself to the process. The pain is too much to bear. Yesterday I felt like a wrecking ball. Like the song.

God- This pain isn’t forever, this pain is a passing thing. It doesn’t belong to you. Let it out and cry if you have to, cry and let the pain through. Don’t stop the pain. Let it pass through you. 

Me- I want to be in control, to make things happen, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to just let the pain through but pain is uncontrollable, it comes out when you least expect it. Like when I was eating at a restaurant with hundreds of people around me, I can feel their eyes staring. I am embarrassed and horrified. So I let a few trickles out. My mother is accusing me of being useless, she makes me feel like I am a burden.

God- you are a gift from heaven to earth. You are a gift my dear, not a burden. You are my precious queen.

Me- The words sting so much I can’t seem to hear anything else.

God- Then saturate your soul with my words. Any words that align with my heart, listen to that, hear that, speak that.

Me- Why do I have to keep doing damage control? Why can’t I just leave? Move out already? Why don’t you make a way?

God- Because I am doing something new, I need to solidify identity in your soul and spirit. So the battle seems hotter, heated, tougher, but you will get out of it golden. Don’t run from the battle, run straight into my arms. You are safe here, the words are just flies. The words are lies, it hurts but they are lies. They aren’t true.

I will never leave nor forsake you. Lift up your head, your not what those words are dear. I will never drop you, I’m not a deadbeat dad.

Me- Am I really safe with you?

God- yes. Beyond safe. Let the pain through, don’t stop or clog it. Don’t distract yourself with doing. Don’t try to fix the external, don’t try to run away, don’t try to figure out your life.

Sit with me in the fire. Sit and let me extinguish the fire, let the water of the Spirit wash you. Because my love is enough, don’t be afraid. My love is enough for you. Don’t go looking for it anywhere else, my love is enough.

Come to me all who are weary. I know nothing LOOKS right, nothing feels right, but I am here with you in the fire. Look into my eyes, don’t look away. Look into my gaze, because this love is enough. 

Love, Rebekka

Fundraising has been super slow this season, so if YOU’D BE ABLE TO GIVE THIS SEASON, know that God will multiply your seed. Anything helps! I can use all the help I can get. Thank you!

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Really Vulnerable Confession To My Dad

TRIGGER WARNING-

There is A LOT OF CRYING in this video. Why am I making this public? Because I believe SOMEONE needs to watch it. If someone can have a revelation or can come out of emotional hiding because of my vulnerability, then I’ve done my job. I love you guys.

This is a really vulnerable confession to my dad about how I feel. When I was 8 years old my mom and dad divorced and I did not see my dad for 10 years. I immigrated to America when I was 8 years old with my mother. After the 10 years I see him every 3 plus years and every time it’s like connecting with an emotionally unavailable human being that doesn’t tell his truth or disappears physically for a few days without telling me where he is.

I received Jesus when I was 12 but have had a lot of unhealed parts of my heart. I am 31 years now and God is still healing me from an absent father, abandonment issues and feeling unwanted/rejected.

I’ve been visiting the abbey, which is a gay club. The Lord has told me He has given me West Hollywood as a spiritual territory. I used to tell people even though I’m straight, I feel like a gay guy. I felt a connection with them but I couldn’t explain it until recently. I understand the pain of being rejected for being different. Of course not everyone of them lack a father figure, but I believe there are deep roots of feeling rejected.

I see hundreds of gay guys there and the first word I hear is “rejection”. I love them with a pain in my heart, because I know many of them are longing for acceptance and love from a father figure. God loves you dearly, unconditionally.

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What To Do When You Feel Rejected By Your Parents

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“I feel like I can’t come home”- I said.

“Why?”- my mom said.

“It’s because you give me a look like I did something wrong, and then you accuse me”.

I spent many days out all day until night time.

I felt like a homeless prophet.

When I went to Korea, I realize I actually really wanted to go home but I felt like a burden. I called my friend and told her.

Everyone I met in Korea felt sort of estranged, and needed to be comforted. I ministered to young people who felt orphaned and estranged, homeless. One girl wanted to go back to Eastern Europe but whenever she went home, her mother would yell at her. The pain is too real. She decided to get a one year visa to work in Korea. 

So I felt like I couldn’t face the pain. God started to tell me to tell my mother the truth. The truth being…simple things like I don’t like it when you wash vegetables in the sink, without a bowl because I get really grossed out and can’t eat the food.

I used to just let things go but I realize I wasn’t being honest with her about things.

God’s been telling me to go out to eat a lot and a part of my mind will think in lack, but God would say “follow your heart”. My mom would yell at me for eating out, she’d tell me it was unhealthy and a waste of money.

For some reason I met a lot of nice strangers outside of home. 

If I didn’t listen to God, I’d probably be living on my own. I lived on my own for a few years and then God told me to move back home. 

When I was living alone I felt like an orphan, I was isolated and often sat drinking a beer with a microwave plate. I binge watched netflix and felt emotionally constipated. I had a boyfriend for a while but he wasn’t Christian so God eventually told me to break up with him. I felt like I was undeserving of any financial help and my mother was never the type I would tell my emotions to. 

I had freedom to do whatever I wanted, but again, I had an orphan mentality. 

Essentially I lived like an orphan and I felt like I had no parents. My dad had been well out of the picture and he lived in Taiwan.

But my heart was longing for home. I found comfort in God….and then God told me to move back home. For awhile my mother started giving me money and it was the first time I got money from her. I felt ashamed.

I was in my late twenties.

Then the guilt trip started coming.

“You’re almost 30, you should have a goal in life”.

“You should be ashamed of yourself”.

I mean there’s hundreds of accusations that came. Most of it was because she didn’t understand my ministry and she didn’t understand why God would tell me to rest, she wanted to see tangible results of my life.

If God didn’t tell me to get a job, I wasn’t going to get one and go outside of HIS PLANS to prove my mother wrong.

I’m a prophet who sets people free from condemnation, but here I was getting condemned by my own mother. That is why I have the anointing to break off the spirit of lack, because it’s a daily thing with me. 

My goal is always to follow Jesus’ voice first and foremost, not to please my mother, or anyone else. 

But she wouldn’t understand that, not right now anyway.

And a lot of people wouldn’t understand that.

The feeling of being misunderstood, accused and rejected is real though. Sure, she is a Christian, but her life is practical, pragmatic, logical.

In 2015 I moved back to my mother’s house. Then in 2018 God told me to go overseas and minister, relying on Him to provide for me. Since then I’ve helped thousands of people break free from shame and condemnation and understand their identity.

Yet, the enemy did not waiver in trying to attack me with accusations.

In late 2019 God sent me home and I thought God would allow me to move out right away, but no, He didn’t.

That’s where it started to hurt, the accusations started coming again.

No matter how much I tried to explain how I’m helping people, how I have these dreams, how I prophesy or even explain how Jesus can heal her, it’s like speaking to deaf ears. 

I realize, again, a prophet is not welcome in her own home.

And that it’s not my job to convince her. And I need to be okay with that. I need to know from the bottom of my heart how much I am loved by God. But I need to be okay with the fact that she may never understand.

And it’s not my job to convince her, it’s God’s job to heal her heart.

I was eating tacos by the street when a man pushed a baby cart appeared…it was a 6 month old baby, she was so cute.

I heard God say “I want you, I’ve always wanted you and you are not unwanted. You are precious to me”.

I don’t know who you are but I want you to know that-

You are precious. You are special. You are loved by God. He died on the cross for your sins and thought of you on that day. He is your loving Father, He is your provider and protector.

“I love you so much. You are not forgotten, you are the apple of my eyes”.

I tried really hard to tell my mother how I feel, but she immediately shuts down, she doesn’t want to talk about emotions. Maybe because it hurts too much.

I don’t really know how to talk about emotions with her either, but I’m trying.

Last of all-

You are enough in God’s eyes.

And if you need to cry, let it out, feel the pain, for God will comfort you.

If we define our identity by anything we can accomplish, it’s not grace.

Grace says you are a child of God because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not of our own works.

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You Are Enough

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Divorced parents? Check.
Failed businesses and careers? Check.
Been on an island with a few bucks left? Check.
Been rejected and outcasted? Check.
Considered running away and ending my life? Check.
Heartache, betrayal, brokenness? Check.
Debt and poverty? Check.
Feelings of unworthiness and lack? Check.
I’ve been through almost every kind of issues or challenges that life could throw my way. Even though I might only be 31, God has delivered me from issues that I can’t even describe until you get on a call with me. The hardships that I went through made me stronger.
I might not have a million dollars and live in a big house on top of a hill but what the Lord has showed me is that wherever you are, you are enough and not lacking. And your worth is not dependent on what you have or where you are in life, but who you are- a child of God.
So what qualifies me? The grace of God.
The finished work of Jesus on the cross. It’s not because my life is always together, I am not perfect, I am vulnerable, needy, challenged at times, scared at times- but Jesus has finished the work on the cross and because of that, I am enough, I am not lacking, I am whole, complete, without blemish in God’s eyes.
I am not working to be more or enough, I am enough because He finished the work.
I want you to get there, to get to the point where you can continue looking yourself in the eyes and say “I am enough”- no matter how much someone accuses you of being less than, no matter how much your parents pressure you to be more “successful”, no matter how much money is in your wallet, no matter what situation you are in life- you, are, enough. Period.
So why do you even need a coach?
Sometimes life can hit you so hard continuously that you think “I am not enough…because this and that happened to me, because my parents abused me, because my friends betrayed me, because my ex cheated on me, because my ex lied to me, because I grew up poor, because we couldn’t afford anything, because…..”
We think circumstances define us and tell us who we are; but the truth is- your circumstances don’t define you and it does not tell you your worth.
Your worth shouldn’t change based on what circumstances you are in, your worth is immovable. You can be sleeping in your car and the Lord will still reassure you “you are enough”. His presence is just as powerful.
Life hit me enough times for me to say to the Devil “I am enough no matter what you try to throw at me”.
Rejection hit. Ridicule hit me. My own family accused me. My friends betrayed me. Debt hit me. And I thought, I’m not able to fix anything, I’m helpless. That was exactly where God needed me.
He says “my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness”.
So you think your life has fallen apart?
That’s a good place to be, His grace is sufficient. Think you don’t have what it takes? Perfect, look to the cross, look to His finished work, not your insufficiency or inadequacy.
I realized that I had to be broken down to my knees for me to realize how powerful God’s grace truly is. If I could have accomplished anything on my own, I would’ve said “I did it myself”.
Rebekkalien@gmail.com
Want to chat? Shoot me an email. Coaching sessions are via Facetime, Skype or FB messenger.
I prophesy that the most powerful and successful businesses, ventures are not those that pride in their own strength, but those who boast nothing but in the finished work of the cross.
Give-

 

A Queen/King Honors Her Emotions & Boundaries

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One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.

I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.

She belittled the hurt.

And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed. 

I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.

I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.

After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.

It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.

During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.

But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.

That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.

“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”. 

When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.

I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets. 

I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions. 

Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.

I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.

I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.

But kids are rarely taught boundaries.

I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.

I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.

But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday. 

I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.

I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live. 

I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay. 

We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.

People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving. 

But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me. 

It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.

A queen seated on high.

 

It’s Okay To Grieve The Last Season

It's Okay To Grieve The Last Season

It’s okay to grieve the last season. Maybe you lost some friendships, relationships in your life. Maybe you were disappointed. God is not scared of your emotions.

God wants your emotions.

He wants you to be honest with Him.

Don’t be afraid to FEEL the FEELINGS. 

We are not robots, we are human beings.

Even though our emotions aren’t always based on the truth of who we are, perhaps people accused us or we’ve been rejected and they are speaking lies about you….but it still hurts.

It’s okay to FEEL THE FEELINGS. 

Yes, there is a hope and a future for 2018 but maybe you haven’t processed the feelings of pain and loss. Take this time now to grieve, to cry.

You can’t possibly feel joy if you haven’t processed the pain. 

The death of something requires a grieving process. God can soften the pain, God will certainly be your comforter.

He wants to walk with you through the pain. 

“Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them. He said: 3“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”….Matthew 5:1-4

So cry those tears, cry until your heart doesn’t feel blocked anymore.

Then you can start to see clearly what 2018 is about. Yes, your breakthrough is here. You just need to cry out the last season. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to surrender. God has your back, He hasn’t forgotten you. He has a great plan for you this year. I promise.

But it’s time to LET GO and surrender. Let it ALL out.

God loves you.