I hear you talk, and I know your voice but I don’t seem to know what I feel or what I’m thinking.
This needs to be fixed. I felt like a mute kid, that kid playing under the table. I stopped speaking because I lost my heart to betrayals and heartbreaks.
What’s the point of speaking if I’ll be dismissed.
I saw this in my relationship with my dad, I spoke my mind but he disappeared, for a few days without telling me.
He disappeared for 10 years, then every time I visited another 3 went back.
I saw this pattern in my life, people disappearing.
But you never did, did you God?
God – no. I never will.
Me- But why does it feel like you are silent when I need you to speak, and why do you speak when I want you to be silent?
God- Because I can’t be controlled and I don’t need to give you directions all the time, you can trust your heart.
Me- I’m not sure if I trust my heart because it obviously gets trampled when I throw my pearls to people. I try to guard my heart the best I can, but I still get ravaged.
God- Your heart is in the palm of my hands and I love you to the earth and back. You are my beloved and I will never let you go, I will never neglect you.
Me- But why does it feel like you are neglecting me right now. Why is everything so hard? Like pins and needles in my heart?
God- Come to me and I will give you rest. You don’t have to be afraid of me.
Me- It’s easier to fix the external things then to just submit myself to the process. The pain is too much to bear. Yesterday I felt like a wrecking ball. Like the song.
God- This pain isn’t forever, this pain is a passing thing. It doesn’t belong to you. Let it out and cry if you have to, cry and let the pain through. Don’t stop the pain. Let it pass through you.
Me- I want to be in control, to make things happen, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to just let the pain through but pain is uncontrollable, it comes out when you least expect it. Like when I was eating at a restaurant with hundreds of people around me, I can feel their eyes staring. I am embarrassed and horrified. So I let a few trickles out. My mother is accusing me of being useless, she makes me feel like I am a burden.
God- you are a gift from heaven to earth. You are a gift my dear, not a burden. You are my precious queen.
Me- The words sting so much I can’t seem to hear anything else.
God- Then saturate your soul with my words. Any words that align with my heart, listen to that, hear that, speak that.
Me- Why do I have to keep doing damage control? Why can’t I just leave? Move out already? Why don’t you make a way?
God- Because I am doing something new, I need to solidify identity in your soul and spirit. So the battle seems hotter, heated, tougher, but you will get out of it golden. Don’t run from the battle, run straight into my arms. You are safe here, the words are just flies. The words are lies, it hurts but they are lies. They aren’t true.
I will never leave nor forsake you. Lift up your head, your not what those words are dear. I will never drop you, I’m not a deadbeat dad.
Me- Am I really safe with you?
God- yes. Beyond safe. Let the pain through, don’t stop or clog it. Don’t distract yourself with doing. Don’t try to fix the external, don’t try to run away, don’t try to figure out your life.
Sit with me in the fire. Sit and let me extinguish the fire, let the water of the Spirit wash you. Because my love is enough, don’t be afraid. My love is enough for you. Don’t go looking for it anywhere else, my love is enough.
Come to me all who are weary. I know nothing LOOKS right, nothing feels right, but I am here with you in the fire. Look into my eyes, don’t look away. Look into my gaze, because this love is enough.
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MY TESTIMONY- https://rebekkalien.com/2019/12/23/my-testimony/
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