Emotional Vulnerability

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(Phuket, Thailand)

I’m stepping out and letting my heart be exposed. I’m letting go of control. Your heart is safe for me.

I’m learning emotional vulnerability with God. I’ve had a relationship with God since I was very young. I didn’t grow up with my dad, and my mom was rather emotionally unavailable. I often played under the table in my room. I had a really wild upbringing, mostly being home alone at a young age. I was free in a way, but always looking for protection, always defending and protecting my heart. I read an article I wrote about my life in a newspaper to my mom once and she got really mad, told me not to write about it because it seems like she was really irresponsible and neglected me.

But I realize that when I’m vulnerable with the world, perhaps I can reach one person who feels alone, someone in pain, someone who isn’t brave enough to ask others for help.

I’m afraid to write honestly because of how mean the world has been to me. Because of the response I’ve gotten to my writing, because of the judgement I’ve heard from strangers. Here’s vulnerability. 

I’ve been afraid to be myself because how the world has treated me, or perhaps how I’ve treated myself. 

For awhile my heart was numb because of all the pain I went through in my life. I felt pain because of I felt like I couldn’t breathe again after a broken relationship, I felt pain because I lost friends that were dear to me, I got mad at God, I closed my heart off. Instead of going to God for comfort, I pretended everything was okay.

Joseph had a dream, a big dream and his brothers laughed at him, he was tricked and sent to prison for years. That was his desert. I’m just walking out of the prison. The prison was people who were close to me laughing at my dreams. The prison was my shutting my heart off. The prison was pretending to forgive and forget, but feeling the pain still. The prison was my unwillingness to believe that God was safe. 

And slowly I poured my heart out, it is a physical tension I still feel. I’ll feel a literal ache in my heart, my neck starts to hurt and in the pressure of all the stress, my hand has felt numb as if an after effect of my heart tension.

So in it all, I let go of controlling the pain or the fears. Because I know you are safe God. 

 

 

Prague: The Great

Prague: 2014 

I rode a Euro Bus to Prague, this was an overnight bus from Berlin. We were startled by the bus as it jerked to avoid a ramp, the Polish girl next to me claimed that Polish drivers are reckless (as they get paid shit) and that the driver is probably drunk. I’m not scared. However, when we first got on the bus we were scared because there was the probability that the bus driver wouldn’t let us use the bathroom. I had to make this gesture of wiping my down there since the bathroom didn’t have toilet paper. The driver spoke no English and waved his hands “NO NO NO bathroom”. My bladder is my first concern when I get on buses that have no toilets. “Where am I going to pee?” is my first question when I board a bus.

I don’t drink liquids hours before a long bus ride…like in Thailand and Vietnma the buses don’t have toilets and you have to ask the bus driver to stop for a toilet break. Of course few people ask out of embarrassment.

I arrive around 5am in the morning, my 4 wheel duffel bag from Target reluctantly gets on a tram as I pull it with great difficulty (should have stuck with a backpack). Mind you, one of the zippers had already broken at my first destination (London).

The night is dark, and even though I often have doubts and fears, I have to get to the hostel first (this is my first instinct of survival when I’m traveling). A Czech lady helps me to the hostel, actually she walks me there. My first impression- a good one, they are kind here, they help strangers.

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Heal The Heart, Not The Symptoms

Today I was talking to a homeless teen who was outside CVS and she asked me if I wanted to drink, I said I’m okay. Then this man came out of CVS and strictly said if the police found her drinking outside CVS, she would be put in prison and basically to stop. He said the company would get in trouble because they sell alcohol.

I felt really sad after because the man just looked at the condition of her drinking outside, but not at her heart.

Because as I was praying for her broken leg, I felt that she had a lot of shame. I said that God loves her very much and there is no need to feel shame.

After I went for a walk to process my emotions and it was a lot. I’ve been back in Los Angeles for almost a week, and I definitely feel different from 5 months ago. After leaving my dad, coming back to LA felt so sad, I felt that a huge support had been taken away from me.

The truth is, sometimes I feel very alone in my journey of following the spirit. I’m at my wits end a lot of the times, because I’m led to do things that are crazy, unconventional, wild, scary, and I feel alone a lot of times. I know there are others like me who will stop at the end of the world in following spirit, but I feel like there needs to be more people next to me.

The truth is, following your heart is not an easy thing. The biggest hurdle is getting over what people think, like when I’m talking out loud walking on the street, that must look crazy. But I feel more at peace than I’ve ever felt.

I want to stand on the authenticity of my true feelings. Everyday.

I know I’m not the only one, but even after conversations with friends and I’m standing on the street with a bag on my back, I question myself sometimes.

And sometimes you just have no idea where you’re going but you have to trust completely with no reserves.

Because even though it looks like I’m living a joyous carefree lifestyle, I’m actually living in intentionality, following every instruction which spirit beckons me, to a life of freedom and abandon, a life that has no boundaries of fear, limitation, judgment, brokenness or unforgiveness. 

And so when we see human beings I hope we look into peoples’ hearts and not their symptoms…if its addiction, alcoholism, violence, brokenness, somewhere deeper there is a heart which longs for love, and so sometimes its unworthiness, the lie of not being enough…there is always more in there.

Even if they are the perpetrators of pain, they are more broken than we think. But at the end of the day, when they come into awareness, they are also responsible for their own pain…if they choose not to get help.

And so we can lie our whole lives and say we are okay, or we can humble ourselves and say, I don’t know, I’m just a human being and sometimes I’d like some help, sometimes I’d like to be encouraged, sometimes I’d like to know I’m not the only one. jesus-with-kids-god-the-father-has-transformed-my-heart-by-his-precious-holy-spirit-301731

You’re not alone.

 

 

Forgiveness As A Way Of Life

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“What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” — Robert Schuller

To truly live life to the fullest, to be passionately pursuing life and your dreams, you must overlook the mistakes you will make. You must be slow to judge, slow to condemn, slow to be offended. You must manuever quickly because we are all human and we all make mistakes. To be an artist, an entrepreneur, you must make mistakes to be a great one. You must make big mistakes, I think that’s a requirement, it creates depth and depth is seen in your work. 

I love hearing the sound of rain, the sound of cars driving on a watered road. After watching Lost in Thailand on Netflix, I had this urge to write about my recent heart journey. Ever since I came back from Hawaii, I’ve been releasing even more negative vibes out of my life. Though I had already sold all of my furniture and reduced my clothes to fit into a duffle bag, I was not done with starting over.

I also needed to once and for all forgive everyone that had ever hurt me in my life. As I started writing down names of people I wanted to forgive and release from my heart, no longer requiring their validation, approval or apologies, I realized there was a theme of “lack of affection/attention” or “negative words or words of rejection”, some that consisted of people making judgements on me even though they had known me for years, yet perhaps out of a lack of love in their own hearts, chose to see me as someone i was not…out of the attempt to control someone they could not control- me. 

I also had to forgive myself for “wasted years” when the truth is….I needed to go through what I went through to see the precious worth of my time and life. I remember telling a stranger that I learned a lot from my past relationship, he replies “well you sure learn a lot after a beating” (now that’s an analogy). We don’t always need to learn from hardships or heartbreak, we can learn from wisdom, from listening to our hearts.

Well, now I can help others who struggle with self-worth and rejection.  I also needed to learn what it meant to invest time, energy and heart into my closest relationship and that it was not selfish of me to spend time alone or not want to spend time with mere strangers. I saw that as my influence inclined, many people wanted to “spend time with me” to talk about “their issues”, which I do offer in my coaching sessions. Unless you are a close friend of mine, I will not invest time and energy to get “freeloaded”. In order to be the best that I can be, I need to protect my time with myself and most of all, meditate and pray. But I also learn that it is better to have a flexible heart than inflexible ritual. That’s why I’m not big on rituals or things that take away from my heart.

I commit to things because it makes me happy, not because I feel guilt-tripped into it. Who are the people you need to forgive? What did they say or do that hurt you and how did it make you feel in terms of value, worth or significance? Because unless you continue to receive forgiveness and forgive others, the manifestation of our lives are simply an image. Heart growth, heart healing is what counts, unless this is dealt with….all the fruit of our labors will rot.

Trust me on this. Everything you’ve ever worked for will become bitter fruit, wrought out of a bitter root (your heart). Allow your heart to become healthy so that love can flow freely into every area of your life.  If you haven’t released forgiveness or people from your heart, they are taking up SPACE for the people that want to love and be loved by you. 

95915234c1709bed4127cfa9c0c207b8 My commitments in this life:

1. To know that I have already been forgiven and am free to make mistakes

2. To allow others to be themselves and to allow them to make mistakes just as I make mistakes

3. To know that there is no such thing as “mistakes” but simply detours to the right path

4. To enjoy life to the fullest And just to give you a personal update, I’ll be going up to Sacramento May 14-17 to speak at a women’s conference. From there I’ll be going to Berkeley or Palo Alto, I haven’t decided. And Thailand is on my mind, will probably go this Fall, don’t know how and what, but like any other trip, I must step forward in faith.

When you’re gracious with yourself, you’ll allow others to be themselves around you. That’s the most beautiful form of relationship!