I was laying on my couch in a fetal position. I don’t know, I was scared. If you’re in relationship with people, you’ll get hurt and you’ll hurt people. I’m petrified to be in relationships with new people, I’ve been really hurt in the past 2 years (doing ministry).

That’s something I did not feel like going through. And now, people were actually being nice to me, they were approaching me, messaging me, saying they liked me a lot.

But it’s scary when people are nice to you, because any minute they can betray you and one wrong thing can tick them off (I’ve realized). Maybe they never told you how they actually felt and they were bottling everything inside and now one thing you’ve done wrong have totally pissed them off. 

What about all the things you’ve helped them with? It seems that it no longer matters. It happened to me, and it frightened me how quick people could change.

I realize because the last couple of months I’ve experienced a lot of judgement and rejection from people around me. Some were unintentional, and some well, I was confused by it. How could I have done it better? I’ll think. I thought it was maybe better to not deal with people, yet there were people all around me.

Ministry is that, people.

I am not perfect, my word is not final. God’s is. Everyone must hear God for themselves, not rely on a teacher, preacher or prophet.

I think I’m petrified in making a mistake in relationships. It’s easy to prophesy and leave, but to actually manage peoples’ hurts and emotions, and not to take on the responsibility to heal them- give it to God. 

That’s the hard part. Ministry is so hard.

I’m a human too, I have emotions. It hurts to be rejected and judged because everyone has triggers, everyone has past hurts. Something I might say may trigger someone and then when they blow up, I feel like it’s my fault. But I know it’s not, yet, it takes time to recover. 

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Welcoming new people into my life is difficult, it takes courage, it takes grace.

I am not perfect, I am perfect in God’s eyes sure, but I may not always know how to act or be, and that’s why I need to realize, it’s not on me to make others happy, I just need to know I am enough in God’s eyes, be myself and be gracious towards myself if someone gets hurt. 

I can ONLY be myself, write authentically, speak truthfully and obey God for myself.

I cannot be responsible for your emotions and your life. I cannot take on false burdens and responsibility and try to make YOU happy.

People come to me and tell me not to write a specific or certain thing and I start doubting, “God should I change what I write so they won’t feel bad or be triggered?” and I often hear “just be honest”. 

I can’t change how I write, what I say, who I am. I just have to continue being myself. 

I know I am influential and I have a platform, but it’s a platform God gave me – not to please anyone, but to be 100 PERCENT myself. If I change what I write to please you, I’ll not be myself. I can try to communicate and understand your story, but I can’t change who I am to appease men. 

Please do not rely on me, please do not think I’m the ultimate voice. Please don’t put that much power in me.

I’m learning to live from a place of freedom versus fear, a place where I can be totally myself and not try to please anyone, or play defense all the time, just waiting for when someone gets ticked off and explodes.

I hope that there will be more people who actually tell the truth at all times and are not afraid of confrontation. 

I want these people in my inner circle and I believe it is a safe place to be, no judgement or rejection, but only honesty and love. We’ve all been hurt before, but it’s important to start speaking your truth to people even when it’s scary and know that you’re a child of God, loved by the heavenly Father.

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MY TESTIMONY– https://rebekkalien.com/2019/12/23/my-testimony/