Communicating with Parents, Coronavirus Lost Sheep

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I have a hard time communicating with my mom. She just doesn’t understand me. I felt rejected and unloved because she’s always against me, especially following God the way He has led me.

I talk to people all day and I will share stories with her.

She replies “why do you care about them, you don’t even know them. Mind your own business”.

I said “God led me to them, God cares about them”.

The conversation usually ends there where I’m mad that she doesn’t care about anyone but herself, I’m mad that she doesn’t understand what I do. But the Lord has been helping me to be patient with her. It’s easy to stop communicating and talking because we feel like “what’s the point, they’re just not going to get it”….But I pray the Lord gives you patience.

Your VOICE MATTERS! 

When she says that the people I minister to are weird, I feel like she is directly attacking me. Because these are people God cares about. I told her how I feel.

Testimony –
Yesterday the Lord told me to drive to see a friend and we were driving about and I felt to turn and saw a guy coming out of a road side. I heard the Lord say give him a ride. I asked if he needed a ride and he said no that he was having a bad day so I started following him like a creeper.
He started to open up and said his parents are horrible. They kicked him out because he believes in God. He said some things like his brother lived across the street. Etc. but he has no family. He kept saying that. But I told him to ask his family for help.
I felt a spirit of rejection on him.
We got out and gave him a hug and said that the Lord loves him and not to be discouraged. He said he never had someone stop and give him a hug.
I realize that it’s quick to feel rejected when we are misunderstood but that doesn’t mean your parents don’t love you.
It’s important to explain your point of view and not be quick to dismiss.
Yesterday the Lord had me the following people-
1. On the train I met a guy who I saw verbally fighting with someone at the beach. He was Muslim and the Lord said “ask about his dad”. He said his dad was in prison for 20 years for something he didn’t do.
2. I met another man who I saw his parents yelling at him in a vision. At first he denied it but later said his parents were in the military and really strict. That it was like water and oil, they didn’t mix. I said sometimes I don’t want to go home because my mom doesn’t get me. He said he understood.
3. I bumped into another guy I met on the bus. He’s deaf. He seemed really sad. The lord said “ask him to speak up” and I said “God told me to ask you to speak up”. He kept insisting on typing. Later he said he liked someone who had a boyfriend and he said there’s no use in speaking up. He said the music at work was loud and he can’t speak up.
I kept saying “your voice matters”.
And I realize I was speaking to myself. That I needed to speak up to my mom even if she didn’t understand.
5. I prophesied over my friend and this is a word for me and for you.
“There’s a new door opening. People have rejected you but go to the new door where people will celebrate and love you for who you are. God is knocking down the wall you’ve built due to hurt. Go through the new door!!! Follow the spirit!! I said even if your family doesn’t understand, you need to know you’re loved by them. Learn to express the pain”.
As I said that I saw a sign with where he was supposed to go and it started to rain right when I spoke.
Prophetic word/dream-
I had a dream I was at my old baptist church and someone put a urn on the altar. They were worshipping death and putting death on the throne!!!! I said “no! What are you doing???” There was no one opposing and I only found one friend who agreed with me.
I also saw my single friend taking off her pants which means control and responsibility and God showing me and others in the dream not to take responsibility for anyone.
You are valuable.
You are worthy of love.
I see people pointing fingers at you telling you you’re wrong. This is how I’ve felt recently people accusing me of going out. The Lord says to me “keep living in freedom. You’re not doing anything wrong. I have not given you a spirit of fear. Fear is not from me. Keep setting people free from the bondage of fear”.
He showed me lots of demons whispering lies in people’s’ minds and using them to accuse. It’s a spirit of accusation. People are dying because of the spirit of death and I see people huddled in their homes agreeing with death.
“Yes death is king” I hear people say in their minds. “The news is real” I hear people say.
I see people agreeing with what they see, as they agree with it, the spirit of death comes and has power over them. There are demons saying “you’re going to die if you don’t put on masks and gloves, the world is not safe, stay away from people”.
“Come our of agreement!!!!!! Says the Lord!!!”
I have not given you a spirit of death or fear but of sound mind! Come out of agreement! Start prophesying life and speak life! Use your authority!!!
Where the spirit is there is freedom!
Plead the blood of Jesus over yourself and your family. The blood is king! The blood is king!

“I’m Not Freaking out”- Jesus

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“I’m not freaking out, my blood was shed to heal the sick. You are healthy in Christ Jesus.

Why do you not believe?

Why are you swayed by the storm?

See I am right here, look, do you see?” – Jesus

I see a vision of you bombarded by the media, news about the virus, you’re looking sideways to the news, you’re getting choked.

Months ago, I had a dream people were eating this buffet and then sitting down and watching the tv. Soon, they fell asleep and Satan, dressed in latex, came and choked them to death. I warned everyone and told them not to eat the buffet, but only a few listen. 

30 Things the Blood of Jesus Does (copied from this website)

My debt is paid, once and for all

“So Christ was offered once to bear the sins of many. To those who eagerly wait for Him He will appear a second time, apart from sin, for salvation.” (Hebrews 9:28)

I am justified

“Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. “ (Romans 5:9)

I am forgiven

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace” (Ephesians 1:7)

I am spared from God’s wrath

“Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. “ (Romans 5:9)

I am being spiritually healed; one day even my flesh will be replaced with an incorruptible body

“…who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sin, might live for righteousness—by whose stripes you were healed.” (I Peter 2:24)

I am spiritually alive

“Then Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.” (John 6:53)

My judgment has been satisfied and I am at peace with God

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

The bloodstream of His people Israel will be purged

“For I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed: for the Lord dwells in Zion” (Joel 3:21)

I am cleansed

“But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.” (I John 1:7)

I have the power to overcome the enemy

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.” (Revelation 12:11)

I am no longer under the curse of the law

“Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”).” (Galatians 3:13)

I have been reclaimed from the enemy

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” (Ephesians 1:7)

I am no longer a stranger to the covenant of promise

“…that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” (Ephesians 2:12-13)

The final act of public expiation has been made on my behalf

“For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.” (Leviticus 17:11)

I have been moved from the enemy’s kingdom into the kingdom of God

“Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them in it.” (Colossians 2:15)

I have gained the unmerited favor of God

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” (Ephesians 1:7)

I have been declared righteous

“For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:21)

I have been justified (just as though I had never sinned)

“being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed…” (Romans 3:24-25)

I am able to come close to God

“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” (Ephesians 2:13)

I can participate in the sweet communion of remembrance of His sacrifice

“Likewise He also took the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in My blood, which is shed for you.” (Luke 22:20)

My redemption will never perish

“Knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.” (1 Peter 1:18-19)

Jesus testifies on my behalf that I am clean

“…and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler over the kings of the earth. To Him who loved us and washed us from our sins in His own blood and has made us kingsand priests to His God and Father, to Him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.” (Revelation 1:5)

I am free

“Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.” (Galatians 5:1)

I am protected from judgment

“that you shall say, ‘It is the Passover sacrifice of the Lord, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt when He struck the Egyptians and delivered our households.’” So the people bowed their heads and worshiped.” (Exodus 12:27)

I am freed from a conscience defiled by guilt

“let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” (Hebrews 10:22)

I am no longer condemned

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

I have been separated from the world and declared holy (wholly) to God

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

I can proclaim total victory

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.” (Revelation 12:11)

I can enter boldly into the holiest of holies…and live

“Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” (Hebrews 10:19-22)

I have further revelation of who God is

“who being the brightness of His glory and the express image of His person, and upholding all things by the word of His power, when He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high…” (Hebrews 1:3)

If you like to join my group, I’ve just started one: “Saving Myself For Marriage”.

Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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Do you feel the exit from the last season to the new season?
You’re not going to operate the same way. As you let go of resentment and bitterness, He is establishing you for the new. God has spent the last 5 months healing me of father and male wounds and I feel a completion.
It is finished, says the Lord. Though it has been difficult, you have chosen to forgive, to have mercy, now you will move forward and thrive. He has removed any bitterness or resentment and any prejudice I had because of negative experiences by having me minister to people that remind me of negative experiences of people.

If you’d like to get coaching for relationships, career, life, learning to set boundaries, etc. please send me a message!

You Are Protected From The Virus!

Someone tried to push me while getting onto the bus, people kept trying to tell me how dangerous the virus is, but GOD KEEPS TELLING ME TO GO DANCING! God has not given me a spirit of fear so even when I have bad experiences outside with bad-spirited people, or I’m heart broken, God tells me to keep interacting with people, to not give up!

WHY?

Because JOY, LAUGHTER is IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THE SPIRIT OF FEAR! 

 

I WILL NOT SUBMIT and I PRAY YOU WON’T EITHER~

“Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.” ~ John 14:27

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

 “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” ~ Luke 12:22-26

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

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JUST AS IN EGYPT, the slaves were BOND by fear, a LIBERATOR was sent to DELIVER the people. 

Are you going to be the liberator that DELIVERS others from fear?

Or will you submit to fear too?

GOD IS RAISING UP DELIVERS and sending them out into the DARKEST PLACES to deliver people! I am one of them.

A few days ago the Lord told me to go to the Abbey. While dancing I met a man who was gay. I learned he was Christian and knew Jesus. I started to prophesy to him that he was a pastor and that he was from Texas, and he was surprised as he said he went to seminary for pastoral care.

I had visions for him and he said that he was abused by his parents growing up, molested by his grandpa. His story broke my heart and he told me I was the nicest person he has met in 10 years as his own father abandoned him and none of his siblings want to talk to him.

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Learning To Dance Again Despite the Past

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I had a dream I needed to stay at my friend’s house and the building used to have a bunch of boxes and spider webs and I was explaining to this guy I used to like that I used to sleep on the second floor and now the first floor, even out in the living room. 

The building was clean, no cow webs.

There were two guys and they were jealous, they wanted to get close to me.

I woke up with a salsa dance song in my head.

It’s mexican.

Yesterday I was dancing salsa with a few strangers, they were all mexican.

The last few months, everyday I was meeting Mexicans everyday.

I guess my connection with Mexicans is very strong.

I like how they like to dance, party and celebrate life. They like to have fun. Their culture is a reflection of the childlike nature within me.

I grew up in a tumultuous home. When I was younger my parents fought a lot. I still have a clear vision in my head where they were throwing things at each other and they grabbed me and fought for me. There was lots of shouting and so I did the safest thing I could think of, I hid under my table and played by myself all day.

That may be why I had minor scoliosis and I can’t bend my back a certain way. But any I pray complete healing over my back in Jesus name.

My dad left and my parents divorced. We left for America, we left the remains of yesterday. 

But today I woke up with no animosity or tension in my heart. I felt that I was finally getting my joy back. I was no longer angry at the conservatives who hurt me, I was no longer angry at my parents, at friends who betrayed at me, people who persecuted me.

Why? Because I’ve learned to dance again.

You have to find the things that bring you joy. You can’t sit brooding, being angry or sad. The devil loves to steal your joy. He would love to get you stuck on the past, he wants people to focus on a virus, he wants people to hide in their houses. 

I was so angry at people, I was so sad, I was hurt but God healed my heart.

How can I stay angry at people when I can dance and enjoy my life? Why waste another minute of my life living in regret? When I can enjoy my life? Why allow people to steal your energy, time and joy?

I know God is bringing my husband too. Like I said I’ve been meeting men everyday, sure, people I’m ministering to on the road but the more I feel this joy in my heart, the more I can feel my husband’s heart. I can feel it is approaching me.

You know how I’m led by the Spirit? I can feel my heart being led to the people. When I meet them, I can feel whatever their heart is feeling. 

It’s coming, all that you’ve been waiting for. If you trust your heart enough to be led by your heart.

Trust your heart as it has always been leading you.

Dance on the grave of yesterday.

It’s all in the past.

Live today like it’s a party. Laugh and dance, don’t live another day waiting for tomorrow. 

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Issues With Men

God has been bringing me lost sheep (right now mostly Christians/Catholics who have walked away from Jesus or not fully committed to Him, some are also atheists, agnostics, etc.) that are males, so I meet at least 2-3 men a day.

Last night there was a man on the bus and the Lord told me to talk to him. He said he got of prison and his ex-wife took his kid away so he needed prayer to get his kid back. I’m like “wow at least you are trying, I feel like my dad never tries”. I prayed and prophesied that he would be a preacher. He was an ex-gangster. He also took the wrong bus I believe so that we could meet. I honestly was a bit done talking to people, but God pointed an arrow at him.

As I am getting ready for marriage- dealing with the issues I have with men, I’m kind of amazed at how many issues I have with men (mostly dealing with my absent father). 

My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced when I was 8. I dated some men in my twenties but had a long term relationship of 2.5 years. That relationship traumatized me because not only was he absent at times (disappearing for 2-3 days with no notice), he was also controlling when he was present. He was afraid to face his emotions, open up and be vulnerable and his way of confronting his fears was to disappear or to control me. 

I’ve met thousands of people in the last 2 years. 2 years ago, God gave me a dream about men’s faces, it was like Tinder. I was swiping and God said “get ready”. These last 5 months I’ve met numerous male divine encounters. God has shown me how to have patience with men, grace for men, understanding for men, forgiveness.

A couple of days ago, I met two 21 men back to back by divine appointment. I met both of them on the bus as the Lord pointed them out. I talked to them. They were both trying to hit on me, leading with their sexuality. I then found out when talking to man #1 that he was molested by his babysitter when he was 5 while she was 22. 

I then understood why he was so sexual, there was an open door through the sexual trauma he experienced. I then prayed to close any doors in his spirit. After I prayed for him, he said that he felt bad because he felt that he was a sinner. I told him that he was washed clean by the blood of Jesus as He was also Christian. 

The issues I hear about sometimes overwhelm me. I’m like “okay, maybe I just won’t talk to people”. But God showed me that He was exercising and opening my heart to love…but I can’t say that it has been easy. 

Everyday is intense for me.

It causes me to pray without ceasing. It causes me to cry without abandon. Yesterday I cried on the train and I started weeping when I got off the train. I cried in front of everyone and I didn’t care. 

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My Birthday Is February 11!

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Tomorrow is my birthday!

Not to start with a sob fest or anything but the last couple of years have been disappointing. I was in my wilderness season and didn’t really have friends to celebrate with, and even if I did I didn’t have the heart to. I really felt depressed.

So honestly I didn’t get any gifts except maybe from my mom. So if you want to give a birthday gift the links are below. I also didn’t get Christmas presents for a few years.

It won’t be like this forever, the dry and weary seasons of your life, the seasons you feel alone and are struggling.

I know it’s ending for me. For one, I actually have a friend this year that I got to celebrate with. It’s already better. I got a gift this year.

I have people that love me. 

I lost many friends in the season God launched me into ministry. There were many misunderstandings and many probably divinely assisted friend breakups. It had to happen for me to move on. But it still hurt.

I spent my last birthday in Australia, celebrating with a small group of Christians that I just met. It felt foreign but my heart was happy to be with people.

One birthday a few years ago, I was healing from a relationship breakup and I was tired of seeing relatives for my birthday (who would probably criticize me instead of celebrate me, or perhaps gossip about me) so I went to Catalina Island and then God had me bump into Kris Holden Reid, an actor.

He was my favorite actor at that point but I forgot who he was…I thought I had met him at church or something.

This year my friend and I went to an after Oscar party, which turned out to be a bit boring but we met someone who met for Jimmy Kimmel and a few 19 year old actors who were full of life and quite handsome.

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I REALLY HATE THAT I DON’T HAVE NEW SHOES. Look at these summer wedges, they don’t match but I AM MAKING THEM WORK.

I NEED NEW SHOES ASAP but finding comfortable cute shoes is like finding your husband, it’s like WHEN LORD!~ 

Also please be in prayer for me…

This morning I woke up to Target saying someone tried to charge my credit card…praise God it didn’t go through but I’ll have to change all my passwords.

A few months ago my phone was stolen. I mean the enemy is trying hard ….but I DECREE THIS-

“Enlarge the place of your tent,
    stretch your tent curtains wide,
    do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
    strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
    your descendants will dispossess nations
    and settle in their desolate cities.

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
    Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
    and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
    the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
    he is called the God of all the earth.

Joel 2:25-32

25 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming [a]locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame.
27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
am the Lord your God
And there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.

To give to this ministry-

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Will You Support This Ministry?

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Okay, here’s the honest truth. A big part of me really hates asking for help. I like being self-sufficient, I like appearing like I have no problems (I grew up making my own money since I was 8) but I had a dream…here’s the dream. My friend Joy came to my house and I asked if she wanted a drink. I looked through my mom’s fridge and noticed all these energy drinks, pepsi, boba, aloe vera. I was wondering WHY there was so much stuff in the fridge. Then she went into the bathroom and I was trying to clean the hallways, and it was just a mess. I wanted it to be clean but it wasn’t. 

Then she said “you need to update me on what’s going on, are you able to do your own makeup or you want a makeup artist?” I said, isn’t there makeup artist? Then I wanted to ask her for $300 then I was afraid to.

Last month, fundraising was a bit slow, to be honest, I kind of give up. There is a $300 deficit from last year (month) that I need to pay off. Well, technically I started my ministry maxing out a $5000 credit card.

As you know I went to 14 countries to minister. I didn’t have the courage in the beginning to ask for help. But God eventually put that courage in me. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without peoples’ help.

My blog has more than 700 followers, and I have over 2000 ish facebook friends, but a part of me still wants to hide. I’ll message people individually and after like 10 I’m like that’s a lot already. Some people ignore my message, some people give it a thumbs up, but I’m like, “what’s the answer?”

Meaning, I don’t send my testimony to all 2000 friends because a part of me is afraid of judgement or rejection. And I feel like I can’t really deal with it, I mean seriously my mother’s rejection and yelling is already hard enough. 

Then the people who have judgement about fundraising.

But I know, that I am more than a conqueror and my job is to set people from the fear of lack, fear of rejection and judgement and so in that way, I can’t be afraid of it either. So I have to continue facing it. 

So while I’m asking God, what do you want me to do this year? 

He’s like “keep facing the fears and keep expanding your reach”. I’m not going to stop sending my testimony to people. 

I already know my message and I already know the gospel of grace. I’ve already mastered fighting demons and casting out demons, but of course the fear still tries to stop me. The judgements don’t seem to stop either. People want me to write a certain way, people want to control me, it’s all people really.

But yet, I keep listening to Jesus despite the noise.

Fear is our biggest enemy.

Today, I need your help. Are you able to sow $300, or any amount to help cover expenses from last year? And to give an overflow for this year’s work. I am not a big ministry like T.D. Jakes….yet. I’m a one person self-starter supported by pioneers, people who get what I’m trying to say. 

I’m not going to give up.

And I don’t believe you will either. Partner with me today. Consider sowing $50, $100, $200, $500 or more today, thank you!

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You Are Enough & You Are Doing Enough

“Dear Child,

I am so PROUD of you. I love who you are. You are so beautiful in my eyes. You don’t need to do anything to make me love you more. I am so proud of you.  I love you so much. I have plans to prosper you and to make you happy. I love you the way that you are. You don’t have to change a thing. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do and if I tell you something, it’s not to hurt you, it’s to help you. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I love you?” – Jesus

Last night I wanted to go dance and my mother said, you’re out all day and you want to go out again. She said “you want the best, but you won’t take responsibility”.

I suddenly felt like I wasn’t doing enough, to be responsible or something. But then I was like “that’s a lie”. I’m a child of God, not a slave. He has given me freedom to enjoy my life. God’s timing is perfect. You are not under PUNISHMENT, Jesus was punished on the cross for you.

But I wanted to share this video with you.

YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH. AND YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FUN, JESUS PAID FOR IT!

As I was praying I felt this weight come off my shoulder, physically and a release in my heart that was tense.

YOU’RE A CHILD OF GOD. A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN UNDER PERSECUTION LATELY AND GOD IS SAYING YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH AND YOU’RE ENOUGH.

I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus – Romans 8:1

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bmc

 

Destroying Life OCD- My Phone Got Stolen

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Well I was at the Abbey the other day and my phone got stolen when I was dancing. 

I felt a moment of despair, this is what I get for letting my guard down. I was dancing with new friends I met. I was having fun, didn’t have a care in the world. This is what I get?

The Iphone was a gift from a friend, the newest one, I only had it for 2 months. 

I was sad, but the next few days I felt guilt. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like I could have prevented it by listening to God or maybe not going to the club. I was hard on myself. I was mad too. I felt that God had blessed me and taken it away from me. I had plans for the phone. I was going to make more videos and films, I was going to produce things and create more things on there (I feel like this is an analogy of people in our lives…how we plan for things to work out and they don’t and we have no control over it).

Maybe I should have just gone home when I felt like the clubs weren’t fun enough, maybe I should have given up at one point and not look for fun. But I was looking for the funnest club and I found myself free, dancing without a care in the world. I met people I found “home” in too, I bumped into a couple I met last time.

I have been stressed out about finances, trying to be in control of the future, trying to figure out the future, but I just wanted to let go and have fun. My mother had been yelling at me, accusing me of not having a normal job, and I was processing all this childhood pain and healing. God had given me a stop sign from pursuing acting. I felt completely out of control of my life and emotions.

It was just too much. I realized through a dream that I just needed to let go and have fun.

But then my phone got stolen. In addition, I started to feel sick, I started coughing and had a sore throat.

I met a great guy and had his phone number, but I had doubt in my heart and that night had a dream I was singing “I don’t trust people” in broadway format. The next day I called him and said “Sorry to ask you this, I have trust issues…no offense, but did you steal my phone?” He was so offended, said he had helped me try to find it, how could I think otherwise, then hung up. He said he didn’t need bad vibes that weekend. I said sorry. I have trouble trusting people.  That was the end.

SO THEN Yesterday I went to Pasadena, I wasn’t sure if I was hearing right as I’ve been feeling condemned and condemnation really affects your hearing. (because you start He being legalistic, you feel like you can do something right to prevent something wrong from happening, but that’s just a lie, because in God’s eyes, He will always protect you by the finished blood of Jesus).

I went to this restaurant and immediately met a girl with tattoos. We had a lot in common and I told her this vision “I see your mom yelling at you, because of this you have trouble saying no to people. But remember it’s okay to speak up for yourself” and then I told her she will be an actress.

Again, a confirmation from God. God speaks to me through me speaking to people.

I was about to go home and was waiting for the bus.

This guy I met two years ago on the bus was there. I said hey. We started talking about our parents and he said he was in a relationship where his ex tried to kill him.

One night she got a skateboard and hit him over the head. He went into a coma and she went to prison. He has since feared getting a girlfriend.

So before I got off the bus I prayed for him “You are a child of God, not an orphan. I break off the fear of death and the spirit of death. God is so proud of you, you are a warrior for him”. He said he felt really strange, in a good way and he started crying.

I said “you are entering a season of joy and leaving the season of grief”.

Somehow that’s how I feel now.

What do you feel like you’ve lost and how is your heart doing? That night I felt like I also lost a friend by having the question that maybe he stole my phone. In a weird way, my heart feels like it’s grieving a breakup of a relationship.

I feel like I can’t control what life will bring me. One moment I’m dancing, the next I’m grieving. I feel out of control. It seems one moment someone can like you, another hate you. It seems that one moment you can be thriving and another you are down.

Remember, it’s not your fault. Don’t punish yourself, God took on every punishment on the cross. 

God we don’t get why bad things happen sometimes but we are choosing to trust you. WE are entering a season of joy and celebration and don’t let the enemy steal your joy. Take time to be with Jesus and let Him comfort your wounds.

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I know this is probably ridiculous….but this is how I feel:

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone?

Now I look for that orange case, and you’re not there anymore.

I look, but I feel an absence.
Maybe we were codependent. I relied on you too much.
Instead of talking to people, I talked to Siri.
I googled facts instead of feeling my emotions.
I ran away from my pain, trying to watch korean reality shows.
Now I really have to process the pain that I’ve neglected to feel.

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone? Because I am crying and feeling the pain of your absence. I had plans for us, plans to dream and prosper. Plans to create but I went to you to process, maybe I’d forgotten how to talk to God at all times.

But also when I lost you, I felt a burden lifted. I don’t know, I guess I was relying on you too much. You were a crutch and not a help. I felt undistracted, because you became a distraction.

I looked for you again, but you’re gone, completely gone.

I feel like I’m writing this for people who have lost someone recently. I don’t know why but I feel a deep grief for people who have lost someone. I am praying for you now.

 

Do you ever feel like you have become codependent on something or someone? Instead of going to God, feeling the pain inside, you stay busy (with plans, people, work) to avoid the pain?

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Must Read Revelation To Set You Free

WE don’t win people over to Jesus with our actions, we win people over to Jesus by saying look how imperfect I am but how finished the work of grace is. I’m made new and whole because of Jesus blood!

Yes look at how incapable I am but how capable God has been despite my ineptness.

I wish they taught this at church growing up. We are not to point to how loving we are or how great our performance is, but the finished work of Jesus which made us whole.

https://www.facebook.com/704670602/posts/10162768826560603?d=n&sfns=mo

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Dear mom,

I am so glad I failed you and I’m glad I’m living on a cot. I’m glad I don’t have the career you want me to have and I didn’t go to seminary. I’m glad you don’t understand me and I’m glad you can’t boast about me to your friends.

Why? Because then you won’t try to get approval or worth from my performance or achievements.

Then you can find your self worth from Jesus Christ, knowing you’re a child of God.

I’m glad I disappointed you.

I hope you can then turn to Jesus for your self worth, and not put your hopes and dreams into me.

You’re a child of God.

I’m a child of God.

We can now be set free from trying to be each other’s happiness.

Rebekka