Hi everyone, I wanted to share this video which was released today on KTLA 5. As you know my journey with healing from issues with my dad and men have been a long long journey. My heart was really closed off to men for a long time. I hated men to be honest. I would feel wounded about one thing that a guy did and hold onto hate.
God had to heal me and it’s been a LONG LONG journey for those who have been following my blog FOR A LONG TIME.
I always wanted to get married and I am still waiting until marriage, I VOW to GOD and JESUS and I believe God is doing the healing even now.
If you are going through what I’m going through, you are NOT ALONE. My dad was not there for me, he was an absent and avoidant father who constantly disappointed me. He is an alcoholic and has an addiction.
For a lot of my life, I lived to please others and had a hard time speaking my mind. I wanted people to like me and had a hard time standing up for myself.
I’m so blessed to have the opportunities I’ve had to heal and be on tv shows in the last year. God used every opportunity to heal my heart from an absence of love in my life. Even though I went through a lot with my boyfriend, he has also healed from his issues.
For a long time I felt really numb and God would tell me to let love in.
I would disassociate and try to figure out the best way to guard myself from pain. I would simply leave if I felt the discomfort or tension within my heart. I didn’t realize that discomfort was love trying to come into my heart.
I think a lot of people use logic and knowledge to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone. They talk about what they know instead of how they feel.
But God has told me to “tell people how I feel” and it’s made a huge difference in my life.
Instead of getting busy and doing stuff, I’ve learned that when I do that it’s because I’m scared to emotional intimacy. That is how I grew up, instead of letting love in, I was taught to do stuff, to be busy. My mom would start cleaning instead of saying how she felt.
I’ve seen others do similar, but in different ways. My ex would sit down and shut down because he didn’t know how to say that he was scared to get close to me. It was a protective mechanism. I would feel really frustrated and I felt distant from him because he wouldn’t express himself to me. He would come back feeling fine but I felt excluded from his emotional journey.
Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I had situations where I was being ignored or ghosted by a friend that I thought was a friend…he bailed from a project on set and I ended up not being able to complete the project because he left. I was triggered by two people avoiding confrontation and was reminded of my dad who didn’t talk to me for 10 years. The pain rose up and I felt intense pain. I felt my whole being hurting. What hurt was that my ex used my past against me when he was angry.
It’s scary how you can feel completely close to someone but then they use the most personal pain to thwart you and destroy you on the inside. Love is really scary. After I cried about my dad thought I felt liberated.
I suddenly felt like the pain wasn’t so hard to process.
It’s just pain and it feels horrible but when you’re done crying, you’re still alive.
You might be scared to face the pain but when you do, you’ll be glad you did. I feel so much happier because I allowed my heart to feel that betrayal and pain.
We all want love don’t we, but we often don’t think we are avoidant of love. I was avoidant of love. I used “figuring things out” as a way to avoid emotions. I would ask God “is He the one?” instead of truly getting to know someone or experiencing intimacy with them. That’s what church taught me. They taught me about soul ties, which was a lie and misconception that caused me to avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy.
Instead of letting love in, I’d ask God what I should do. This was a communistic and legalistic way which avoided my heart from FEELING my emotions.
God would tell me “tell that person how you feel”, I started to get in touch with my emotions and it was scary at first because I often felt numb in my twenties. The negligence of my dad made me feel uncared for. I felt like my dad did not care about me nor did he love me. I felt shunned and I often felt numb.
Tonight I felt something so powerful I have never felt before. Someone told me how he felt and unfortunately I did not feel the same, but I told him how I felt. Instead of shutting him down I told him that I felt bad that I could not make him happy. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings that he had for me.When he replied with grace I realized that love is unconditional and it embraces, it doesn’t reject. Love communicates emotions.
Instead of going numb, I spoke my truth about how I felt in the moment with someone who was rambling and that broke the fear. We often allow others to ramble while we are totally numb, but then both parties are numb and unfeeling, and also largely disconnected.
A lot of people use sexuality to feel but what if you’re able to express your emotions and feel your emotions without using sex to feel it. We live in an over sexualized society where people are unable to express their emotions effectively towards someone. Because words have power and what if by expressing how we feel we conquer the fear of intimacy and build intimacy and emotional connection…most of all UNDERSTANDING.
I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.
I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.
I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.
But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.
I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.
Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.
I want to submit to this women-
Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?
Have you told them how YOU felt?
That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.
I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.
Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.
You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.
How is that even a mature thing to do?
Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.
This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.
IF you like a guy, tell him.
If you appreciate him, tell him.
If you think he’s cute, tell him.
We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.
Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.
I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.
Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!
God, today I pray to cast out any false responsibility for others, help us to focus on the purpose and goals you have set before us. I break off false responsibility and accusations!
YOU ARE FREE IN Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
God we forgive those who have wronged us and we confront them, tell them how we feel, but then we release and move on. Prepare EVERYONE who you’ve promised their spouse is coming. Protect them from the schemes of the enemy in Jesus name!
I felt abandoned, unworthy, unwanted, there was no opportunity to converse about it. This is how I felt when someone left without telling me after a “date”. We were supposed to leave together and he had picked me up. He left without telling me.
I called him “disgraceful to all of men”.
I was traumatized. I felt rejected.
I felt angry.
It’s never happened to me. I’ve experienced a lot but this was a trigger point.
But God always has a way to redeem my experiences and show me not all men are trash. I kept meeting divine appointments that told me I should be aware of marriage, one lady said marriage is more about crying than laughing. I disagreed with her.
The thing is A LOT OF PEOPLE SETTLE.
PEOPLE don’t date enough, they don’t put themselves out there enough. They expect the first guy or girl they go on a date with to be the one.
Most people don’t even know what they want and they settle for the first person they are attracted to or the first person they have trauma bonds with.
For example thinking that just because that person also feels unworthy, that they have commonalities, just because they feel unwanted, that they find worth in each other.
I believe in being vulnerable and sharing your deepest wounds with each other. Dating is not about putting on a front, but laying all your cards on the table and showing who you really are. Here’s me, take it or leave it.
And guess what, some will leave. And be Okay with that. Thank Jesus for making it a bit easier for you.
I am worthy, I am valuable, I am a gift.
Dating will trigger you, but let it trigger you, let it reveal to you how you actually feel about yourself. What needs to be healed?
A lot of people told me to doubt you, to give up but I never did. I waited for you. I know you’re out there and I’m not settling for less. God told me you’re coming. A lot of people tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I could not find someone who was also waiting but I’ve been meeting more people that are waiting, actually virgins too, some are celibate.
I don’t know what you’re going through but I know God is preparing you too. Whatever hardships and heart breaks we are going through is just making us stronger for marriage. I never really believed in marriage growing up because my parents were divorced. I have people calling me desperate but more than a year ago I had a few dreams.
I had a dream I was swiping on a dating app and I heard God say “get ready”. I also had a dream that I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and putting on makeup.
I’ve been learning to love and I think that’s the most important thing.
I realize I was trying to explain myself to people who just didn’t understand me. I was focusing on the wrong people.
I don’t think I’ll have to over explain myself to you. It’ll be easy. I am praying for God to prepare you and myself for what’s ahead. I pray that you will hear God and obey Him in everything. I pray God keep you safe and open your heart to be vulnerable with others. I pray a hedge of protection over both of us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. I pray we will not be discouraged.
God protect us from those that want to take us off the path you have for us. Shield us from those that want to destroy hope in us.
I wish someone told me this but I had to learn how to communicate with all types of people. I highly recommend people to go on dates to learn more about themselves, how to speak up for themselves and thrive in a relationship.
Most people don’t even know how to be themselves with others so dating really helps you discover how to be yourself at all times!
It’s not about putting up a front or acting but being 100% truthful about who you are and communicating that.
Here’s the secret to a good relationship-
The more you learn to speak up and communicate your truth from your heart, the closer you actually get to meeting your husband/wife.
People want to rush into a relationship without understanding who they are but dating helps you do that.
What I had to learn to communicate –
My boundaries- what I am okay with and not okay with
My standards- what I find uncomfortable with, with what that person does
I hope you enjoy the video….meeting your life partner is about becoming 100% yourself in every aspect of your life, it’s not about changing yourself to be accepted by a spouse.
Consider giving to this ministry of reaching lost sheep-
I had a dream I wa in a room and I wanted to go out but someone was grabbing someone’s shoulder and I tried to close the door.
The strange thing is that it kind of happened. I was hanging out with someone and he told me he was in a season of his life where he wanted to “have fun” and I told him that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. He said he waited 30 years for God to bring him someone but God didn’t, so he went his own path. God never judges but do you trust God for the right person.
I closed the door, because strangely he tried to massage my shoulder and suddenly I heard “unclean spirit” so I prayed to cast it out. I essentially closed the door because I could sense something unclean.
The truth is many Christians stop believing God because God takes a long time….or it seems.
But it occurred to me….maybe God is waiting for you to make up your mind.
Do you believe that you ARE worthy to have what you want?
IF you truly believe, you’ll start to stand up in your spirit and say “NO MORE”.
“NO MORE” false attention. I talked to my friend and he said he often went to being promiscuous as a sense of false self worth.
I realized that when you give into your flesh, you’re also craving that sense of “acceptance and love” that you think that moment gives you, but the truth is “LOVE” does not abandon. Love perseveres.
When we keep saying yes to the wrong thing, there is no room for the right thing.
Am I REALLY ready for the right one?
Are you ready?
That you are willing to stop receiving attention from the wrong man, so the right one can come?
Dating can be confusing but one thing it’s taught me is –
“BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS, TELL THE TRUTH”.
And when you tell the truth and no longer allow “false responsibility” to reign over your life, you’ll do things out of desire, not obligation.
What is your HEART’S DESIRE?
Follow that. If you want to get married, start dating. Invest time into communicating to men. Be open.
He/She is coming. God told me to tell you.
Say this out loud –
“I BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS THE ONE FOR ME. He/SHE is out there. I believe that I deserve to be loved. I don’t need to settle because my husband/wife is out there in Jesus name!”