Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Good Love

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Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

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Live Life In Freedom

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They tell me 

“well you shouldn’t have….” because this or that wouldn’t have happened.

You shouldn’t have crossed the road, because if you wouldn’t have crossed the road, you wouldn’t have fallen.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love, because you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

You shouldn’t have….

But they live in a box full of guilt and condemnation. They devil taunting them, you shouldn’t have, you could have prevented yourself from getting hurt.

So they live in fear, inside their house as demons tell them “don’t go out, you’ll get hurt”.

Sure, I get hurt and things happen to me.

Things that probably don’t happen to most people. But you do realize I am a prophet and the devil will try to stop me from being free right?

From preaching “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” The devil will use anything to say “well you shouldn’t have”.

Don’t be out, they say. 

Don’t do this, they say. 

Lots of red tape and yellow tape. They try to put tape on me. If only, they say.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I followed my heart and I fell on the street. I got a few marks on my face, a bit on my legs and arms, but I am a warrior. I loved with all my heart. I fell down off the cliff but God lifted me up.

I could hide in a cave, but the enemy would love that. 

I could start numbering and measuring, instead of loving. I could start using logic and reading, trying to figure out how to best “prevent hurt from happening and my heart from breaking”, but I would never live.

I could become a recluse and never talk to another human being, then I would have no drama and no tears to cry, but I would be alone, utterly alone, devoid of love. 

I fall head first, and I use my heart, not my logic. I love with all my being and heart.

And they point fingers and say “well you shouldn’t have”. They don’t understand becauseI they think with their heads and not their heart. They’ve shut love out. Love is not logical, love is passionate, messy, full of mistakes.

Growing up I saw marriages made out of logic. You see, they tick all the boxes but there is no chemistry or passion. I saw white picket fence relationships. “We look good to others”, it was a front.

Regret is not from God. 

I accept all the decisions I’ve ever made and I accept that I was living in freedom. There was nothing I could have done to prevent what I needed to experience. 

But why do I need to get hurt? Is it necessary? 

Yes, you are whole in my eyes. The hurt is only momentary. You loved and lived, and you were better for it. You are so rich because you choose to love with everything you have. You are a zillionaire because you choose to live outside the box and cage of fear. 

God has already made you pure and whole by the blood of Jesus, you’re standing with God never changes, He never sees an inkling of sin or mistakes in you. 

So why do we live our lives fearing that we will make a mistake or get hurt?

We base our decisions on one fear, “I never want to get divorced….I learned from my parents” (fear of failure, also a fear not from God)

“I don’t ever want to get heart broken, it hurt too much last time, so I’m never going to date. I’m just going to sit in this car and never ask another girl out, I’ll just wait on God” (aka I don’t ever want to face rejection again- which is a fear).

Life is full of unknowns. It is also possible to have a fear of the unknown.

I don’t know where God will lead me, so I won’t walk in faith- some say.

I’ll control and do what I can see- and for most people that is making money or working. 

You can’t see emotions, so most people don’t want to fall in love.

When they get hurt, they resort to making money, because they can see money and dollar amounts. You can calculate money, but you can’t calculate love. 

“I’ve been used, I feel lack, now I am going to ignore my heart forever and live my life for what I can calculate and earn”- some say. 

But your heart is still whole, it’s broken, but it’s whole.

Okay, it hurts, sure, but everyday is a new day. God is saying “don’t live in fear, you’ve been made righteous by my blood, don’t condemn yourself, you don’t hurt because of your decisions, you hurt because that’s part of life. Do you know that my love makes you whole. Feel the sadness and the emotions, but don’t stop living life. I’m holding your heart”.

I’m healing your heart, says God.

Religion says “if I follow all the rules, I won’t get hurt”.

Grace says “I am free in Christ Jesus, I can walk in freedom and trust with God and even if I get hurt, His love carries me”.

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Love Vs. Lust

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It’s 5:35am and I woke up feeling anew.

I was texting friends and telling them how I felt about love versus lust. The last couple of months I’ve talked to people about waiting until marriage to have sex. I wish more people talked about sexuality and sex. I wish more people realized how damaging sex really can be outside of love.

Even as a virgin, I experienced sexual and physical experiences.

As a spiritual being, I started to become even more aware when I would hear “unclean spirits”. Even if I wanted to ignore it my spiritual senses became heightened. I felt unclean, not because of what I was doing but because of the spirits that were attached the person I was with.

So I could say “God I just want to enjoy myself” but now I realize there is something impure in lust. You are righteous in Christ Jesus, but there is something damaging to the soul when you are being used for physical pleasure versus connecting out of love. 

The more spiritual you become, growing in sensitivity to God, the more you sense what spirit people are operating out of.

A spirit of lust basically takes over you.

If you notice kissing someone, and all of a sudden your vagina/penis kicks in and at a certain moment, you no longer feel like you have control over your mind or emotions. Endorphins are being released but something spiritual is also happening.

Love and lust are very different things.

Love causes you to reach out, love causes you to express how you feel, love endures, it doesn’t give up.

Lust gives up, lust is momentary. 

Love makes you feel safe.

Lust is corrupt, it doesn’t make you feel safe. It feels good in the moment but later you feel used, it’s unclean. I have felt it before.

Love doesn’t leave you stranded, love communicates.

Lust ghosts. 

Love wants to understand and listen to you.

Lust simply wants to get in your pants. Lust has no desire to communicate clearly, it overtakes you and has no desire to understand your emotions. It’s a USER! Lust only has one agenda- sex. Lust uses for momentary pleasure and has no commitment. 

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Love makes you feel like a queen, but lust makes you feel like a whore.

God is mending and healing your sexual wounds. He says that you are MORE THAN YOUR BODY. You are a temple. When you’ve been filled with the Holy Spirit, you start to become even more sensitive to His heart for you.

God is doing something new for you. 

He is renewing your heart. He is redeeming you from the past.

God, I just cut off the past, negative cycles I cut it off in Jesus name!

I break and loose any soul ties that are not from you in Jesus name and call back any remnants of our soul in Jesus name.

Is that person going to stay with you and make you feel like a queen? Is he willing to sacrifice himself for you? 

Is he calling you and asking you about your day? Is he concerned about your welfare? Is he asking you about how you feel? Is he concerned for your safety and checks in on you? Does he tell you that he loves you? 

Or is he simply using you for a momentary release?

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Prophetic -Wedding Dream

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The last couple of days I’ve had several prophetic confirmation of marriage.

Last night I had a dream about two friends that are married. I had a dream I had to get to a wedding, an appointment and it was almost 8pm, but I wasn’t sure what time my appointment was. I also had another dream about my friend who is engaged. I asked what time my appointment was. I then took down a book I never read and it was a book I gave my brother Isaak about marriage engagement. I opened it.

Yesterday the Lord impressed on my heart to rent a mustang convertible (as you know recently I was verbally attacked by a company and was rewarded some rentals, but I asked to get the mustang for an additional fee). I had my hair dyed too.

The top was not completely down (and the car started warning me by blinking lights) so I exited the freeway near Beverly Hills. 

I saw a Jewish owned cafe and saw a man inside. I was about to leave but I heard God say “eat here”. I said okay God. I parked and went inside and heard “he’s a lost sheep”. I asked if he was Christian and he said he grew up mormon. I was feeling really numb because I felt really disappointed by the dating process. I’d meet a guy and I’d know he is not the one. I told him how I felt and started crying.

He said “that’s so weird because I got married in a mustang convertible and my wife had blue hair like yours”.

I was in shock.

Before that I heard the Lord say “go to San Diego”. I called a friend trying to see if we could meet but he was a bit wishy washy and suddenly I really needed to use the restroom. I exited and found an outlet. It was 7:30pm. One store was closing at 8pm. I talked to the girl and it turned out she was Christian. She said she had been married for 5 years. She encouraged me and said that I was going to meet my husband. I tried on a few dresses and the Lord say to get them. The brand was called “final touch”, which reminded me of the dream the night before where I was preparing to go to my friend’s joy’s wedding.

I got in the car and felt led to call my friend Anna. I was on a date the night before when I saw her walk by with her husband. She looked at me but didn’t recognize me because I had dyed hair, it was blonde and the base for my hair dye. I wasn’t sure if it was her. However when I asked the waitress what her name was she said “Anna”. Anna is my birth name, it’s actually my middle name on my birth certificate. My aunt decided that didn’t suit me and asked my parents to name me Rebekka.

I messaged her that night and it was HER.

When we talked she told me she had been married for almost 5 years, the same number of years the clothing store staff was married. 

That night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and I saw a girl sitting by herself. I went to join her and she was also Christian, of course. I proceeded to talk to the bartender and he was Christian, then I talked to two girls and they were Italian and Christian too.

I said the bartender was cute, and she said “yah I know and he is Christian too, he’s my ex from 2003”.

As a prophet I see signs in everything. I felt the Lord saying “it’s all coming back”. It is coming, your promises, don’t be disappointed or discouraged. It’s coming SO MUCH faster than you think.

Yesterday in my dream I was way closer to my appointment than the dream from the night before, but I felt this frenzy of “what’s the exact time of my appointment”. But my friend who is getting engaged held my hand and said “it’s going to be okay”.

It’s COMING – I PRAY THE LORD PUT SO MUCH JOY IN YOUR HEART AS YOU GO THROUGH THE PROCESS. I PRAY to cast out any discouragement in Jesus name!!!

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The man who married in a convertible and his ex-wife had blue hair.IMG_2306

Dance instructors and singers at the AbbeyIMG_2285

Woman I drove 60 miles to meet, married for 5 years from UkraineIMG_2310

God’s “final touch”. Are you ready??? IMG_2293

The girl who was sitting by herself

Proverbs 13:12

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Prophetic Word-

I feel like the Lord wants to encourage you. It’s time to come out of hiding and come back to vulnerability. There are people who are ready to talk to you when you’re ready. They are on the health route, it may not be easy and you may need to be vulnerable but don’t be scared. As someone who had been wounded by Christians, the Lord sent me to lost sheep to aid and help them. But God is bringing me back to people who are not “lost”. They need a prophetic word too, they need help too but they are able to offer Godly advice. As I’m getting closer to marriage, God keeps bringing married people into my life. I’m ready God, are you?

 

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I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Growing In Emotional Maturity

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I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.

Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.

Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it. 

That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were. 

So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14. 

I endured the yelling and the temper fits. 

“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.

“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”

“I am a burden”

These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.

These were said to me-

“you’re an adult, get over it”

“you should just forgive and forget”

“You keep living in the past”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”

I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.

Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS! 

We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents. 

We were taught to-

“get over it”

“don’t cry”

“be positive”

These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart. 

Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.

Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.

It’s okay to say-

“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”

“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”

Here’s what I learned-

  1. If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
  2. A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.

Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.

Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.

My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.

It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.

Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”. 

I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.

I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free. 

Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do. 

Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel. 

Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.

Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.

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Are You Ready For Your Husband/Wife?

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I want a guy who asks me how my day was? What my hopes and dreams are? How am I feeling?

A man, not a boy. A man who cares about me, not just his ego. A man who wants to take care of me, make me feel loved. He is not egotistical, self-centered. He is able to be vulnerable and emotional. He is in touch with his emotions and know what he is feeling. He can feel his heart.

“How are you doing?” not just “what did you eat for dinner?”

And he listens, not just talks.

So many guys talk, they go on long monologues about things I’m not interested in. I want a guy to say “I love you, and you’re the only one I want to be with”. I’m the only love interest in his life, not another girl, another pretty face.

He sees my value and my worth. He sees that I am more than anything he owns on this earth, more than gold or dollar signs. 

He is willing to die for me and show that he cares, by listening, by talking, by conversing. He puts emotional connection first, not physical connection. Because without emotional connection, nothing else matters.

I want a man, not a boy. A man is not afraid of tears, he is in touch with his emotions even if he seems weak in peoples’ eyes. His vulnerability is his strength, he is willing to admit when he is sad or angry. He is willing to admit he feels jealous. But he won’t control, he will communicate his fears.

Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that –

  1. You’re scared
  2. You miss someone
  3. You don’t want to seem like a fool but here’s all of your emotions
  4. You’re insecure
  5. Be honest and tell someone how you actually feel

Over the last few months God has taught me so much about what I want and how to be honest with people I meet, at any cost. This means that I have told my truth even though it may have hurt someone.

I want to be –

  1. Understood
  2. Heard
  3. Cared for

I have met plenty of self- centered men that only like me for my beauty or for how I make them feel.

The truth is – they should be interested in your dreams too, they should support you in what you want to do. 

A man who supports your dreams should ask you this-

  1. How can I help?
  2. How do you need to be loved?
  3. How can I make you feel secure?

and they communicate their emotions to you. They don’t run away from confrontation, they meet you half way. They show up.

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Let’s Talk About Dating!!!!!

When I was young, I was taught that God will just bring your husband.

You just had to sit there and wait.

LOL.

But what God has taught me in the last few years is that when you have triggers and issues related to men (for me) since I did not grow up with my dad and had many fears about marriage— God will graciously bring what you need to heal those wounds.

God has brought me many divine appointments to show me that there are good men out there. He has taught me how to communicate and relate to a male. He has shown me why some males have trouble communicating their emotions and what they struggle with.

Here were my fears –

  1. That someone will disappear and walk away (a fear of loss).
  2. I felt that people didn’t care about me, and instead of conveying how they felt….they disappeared (again).
  3. That if I got emotionally close to someone and it was a male, they had to be my future husband….because if I got close to someone who wasn’t my husband then well, they’d end up liking me or vice versa…and that was ultimately bad…since you would have to separate from each other. So better not to take the chance. And also because I had a close guy friend that I thought liked me, but ultimately got a girlfriend (so I read the cues wrong but God protected me).

What I have learned to do in the last years-

  1. Tell a guy if I liked him or was attracted to him. Be vulnerable and tell him how I felt even if he did not like me back. This has helped me to overcome any fear of rejection. 
  2. Tell a guy if he was not my future husband and brace the reactions, even if it was bad.
  3. Tell the truth at all times. 

So I think churches don’t teach that stuff at all. 

Churches teach “avoid” at all costs. They don’t teach honesty. They don’t teach people how to confront issues and bring up the issue. What I learned from church was “just avoid dating. Only date the guy if he’s going to be your husband”.

Dating is really about getting to know a person. If after a date, or a coffee date….he is not what you’re looking for, it’s okay to tell the truth and move on! Perhaps a lot of people are scared to date because they’re scared of rejection or getting their heart broken.

Dating isn’t about avoiding the truth, it’s about telling the truth! Some people are scared to date because they’re scared to hurt someone….so they just disappear or ghost and there are a lot of unresolved issues because of that. 

I’ve seen that the more honest and direct you are, the better.

Some people settle because they think “this is good enough”.

But you deserve the BEST! 

So why not put yourself out there. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about living in freedom and expressing love.

I have told plenty of people that they are attractive or that they are kind and loving. I have told people that they are amazing. Why not? And I’ve been vulnerable too, and I’ve been hurt. But why live with fear?

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Unconditional Love

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We all need love but when we have been hurt we don’t want to open up again.
Love needs to invade the walls of self protection and when unveiled, we feel vulnerable and open to pain or attack.
Sure it hurts. But then we rise again.
Recently a situation with a guy I met helped me see that my heart was shut down because my dad doesn’t talk to me. I’ll open my heart to connect but then suddenly it’s like he doesn’t care anymore. It’s like I don’t exist. I had to reach out to the guy to understand why he didn’t text or call me. We had to communicate. A part of me thought what’s the point, we are not going to be together. But it really did help, I didn’t feel ignored and I felt loved to hear truth.
Honest truth.
I grew up feeling emotionally shut down, sometimes depressed. I thought God was ignoring me. I wouldn’t let people in and when I did, it hurt and sometimes when I told the truth, most people left.
The truth was too much for them. They wanted me to be silent. They wanted me to fit in. They wanted me to be what they expected of me. They liked me when I didn’t speak up, when I conformed.
They attacked me for being different.
I was attacked my whole life for standing out, so I shut down and people pleased.
Then when God told me to speak up, I lost friends, I got persecuted, I was rejected, I was judged.
I lost everything that was false. I sold everything to follow Jesus. I got rid of my car and my apartment. Everything was a facade of success. I was struggling to pay my bills, I was broken inside. When I did that people criticized me. They didn’t understand I was being set free from what bond me.
Conditional love.
I had only experienced conditional love. The type of love that loves you only when you conform and fit in. The type of love that only loves you when you listen to them.
That was the bondage, the spirit of lack.
I never experienced being loved for who I am.
And now as I’m coming out of hiding, I tell my complete truth, I need help, I’m not perfect.
I want to be loved for who I am, not the perfect me, the me now. Enough in God’s eyes, whole in God’s eyes.
Unconditional love.