I moved a lot growing up so I was constantly walking into the unknown. Not by choice though. Me in Germany.
Most of our society walks in the known. The known is comfortable, safe, without unknowns but God constantly pushes us to trust Him to walk with Him in the unknowns.
So that’s where though we think we are “resting” often we are submitting to fear. It’s sounds strange because of course some people seriously need to rest but most people sit in front of the television as the world passes by.
Watching tv is not resting. Yes, there are seasons of that but even in this season I feel wary thinking about the future.
I’m back in LA but heading out June 24.
I’m not sure what to expect and to be honest I’m a little traumatized by everything I went through this year ministering on the road. I’m not sure if I ever want to experience it again yet I know God is calling me to a higher level of faith.
I kind of hate that He has called me to this life.
I keep telling Him “I can’t do it”.
I can’t go on anymore.
I feel numb.
And that’s my heart wanting to be comfortable, to succumb to fear.
Jesus- You can do anything you set your mind to.
Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to live a boring life?
Jesus- then you’ll be bored.
God I kind of don’t want to trust you.
Jesus- you’re not an orphan, you’re a child of God.
Me- but I went through a lot of things I didn’t really want to go through.
Jesus- but you got through it.
Me- but I have bad memories from it and I’m mentally trying to protect myself from future instances of a) being severely accused of or rejected by people I minister to b) having to be on the streets and having to ask judgmental people for help c) the list goes on.
Jesus- you are enough.
Don’t settle for the past or even think about the past. Move forward.
Me- My body and psyche can’t seem to move forward.
Jesus- let go and focus on me. Let go of every hindering memory and focus on me. Focus on my goodness. The enemy wants you to focus on the bad experiences. I am a good father – do you trust me?
Me- no not right now. But I’m still following you- I just don’t feel the joy.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4:8
This is my process. I know it’s been a hard week for some of you and in the battle it’s easy to lose joy so I pray right now God will bring back joy into your heart and if you need to cry- cry. I pray encouragement over your hearts.
I will be heading to Taiwan then China. I’m not sure what God has in store but I know most missionaries are getting kicked out of China so it helps that I’m independent in the sense that I’m just going where the spirit leads instead of being stationed like most missionaries.
I am now raising funds for what’s ahead. Flight tickets and living fees. Would you consider partnering with me in bringing Christ to the world?
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