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You Are Wanted

This morning I looked within and asked myself how I felt. I felt “unwanted” and God was telling me that I am wanted.

I realized when someone told me a casting director really liked me and I was surprised….because he kept telling me to say things over, and deep down I thought he didn’t like me or I was doing things wrong, I realized that I often think people don’t like me.

Why? Probably because my dad didn’t talk to me for 10 years. Probably because his silence in my life made me think that I was unwanted, and not likable. So these deeply imbedded thoughts made me reject myself. For many years, I called him non stop without a response. For two years, I called hundreds of times. That is why I don’t give up, I don’t stop at nothing now to get what I want.

One day he picked up my call and he was drinking whiskey. It wasn’t the type of conversation I was hoping for, but it was something. It was a breakthrough for me. That’s why I’m not afraid to call or talk to someone behind the screen about an opportunity. That’s why I’m not afraid of confrontation. That’s why I’m not afraid to say how I feel. It’s taken a lot of practice.

I would see the slightest annoyance in peoples’ faces and think they don’t like me. I would run away from situations that required me to perform. If anyone told me what to do, I’d think they’re trying to control me. Confrontation was scary to me.

When someone tells me things are not possible, I can’t do this or that, or that there’s rules or systems….something inside of me says “YES ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!”

Because God tells me to follow my heart, not rules, not systems, not schools, not policies, not tradition. He tells me to breakthrough by going after what I want.

I’ll give you a small example. Yesterday I needed to charge my phone at a restaurant. I asked the waitress and she asked her coworker. She asked a few times and he said no. I was not content because my phone was about to die. I even asked if I could charge it in the bathroom because no one else was in the restaurant. Again, the male coworker said no.

I went up to him directly because again I was not happy. He said “oh it’s because I’ve gotten in trouble for helping a customer charge their phone, but if you like to put your phone in the bathroom you can go ahead”.

His explanation helped me to realize that he wasn’t being a stickler, he just didn’t want to get in trouble and I also got to charge my phone. I got an explanation and what I wanted by going to the source. I’ve talked to a lot of managers and gotten explanations, apologies, conversations. These opportunities help me to express how I feel, instead of resenting the business. Since I didn’t grow up with my dad I never got the opportunity to express how I feel, so telling people how I feel helps me get out of my emotional cave.

Do you have trouble speaking up because of the fear of rejection?

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Dating Again!

Well this sucks, I’m dating again…as in I am officially broken up and my heart hurts. We were back and forth for awhile but we looked at reality and the reality was that we were not ready for the same things.

Failing sucks, not that it’s a failure. You learn.

I realized after a few dates you have to be strategic.

Toggle the settings to “realistic ages” of your potential partner. So if you’re 34, 30-44 or something like that. Toggle to 25 miles and under, don’t choose global, you’re not trying to do long distance relationship.

I’ve talked to a lot of people and people play it safe by doing long distance, they choose unrealistic options, they like people who are too old or too young, people who don’t want the same things, people who are not actually that attractive to them, why? Because it’s safe. Because it will fail eventually, because the truth will set you free, to be single again.

And sometimes it’s safer to fail then to succeed in relationship.

I realize I was swiping on guys I wasn’t exactly attracted to because I thought we could be good friends, but I’m not looking for more friends….I’m looking for a life partner. But it’s safe when you’re not that attracted, nothing will ever come about it. So I’m thinking, well that sucks…my options are very limited. Christian and good looking, isn’t too religious and church obsessed, but also loves God.

I’ve met guys that are way too religious (they rate you on how much you worship) and I’ve met people who drink too much, smoke weed, which for me is a no no.

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Let Go Of The Past

Prophetic dream

I had a dream I was getting rid of a lot of stuff and I was trying to sell these shoes but they were Japanese shoes and were like $8 and not worth much. I was looking for clothes to wear to go dancing. I slid down a cutting board and landed near a guitar.

When I woke up I heard “let go of things and don’t be afraid of love”. In the dream there was a private room and this girl was taking over the room so I had no place to put my jewelry. It was full of napkins and stuff and I looked for a spot but it was all wet and I was mad about it.

However I realized I wouldn’t want to be in that room anyway. Then there was a yard sale and this lower landing area was being cleared up.When we have dreams about releasing things it’s talking about bad feelings, anger, resentments- things taking up our heart and soul that prevents us from receiving love or letting love in. Let love in.

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Emotionally Vulnerability Goes Both Ways!

I am honestly happy today. I was feeling really down but God really cheered me up.

I met with someone and told them how I actually felt. He was talking about going to Japan, etc and I heard God say “speak up”, so I did.

I said “Honestly I FEEL really emotionally disconnected because I’m tired of dating and I’m tired of putting myself out there, I just want to get married and I don’t really understand this process. I guess it’s like if someone has a fear of abandonment that just needs to keep happening until I get over it”.

But something in my honesty, I started to feel happy. My soul felt happy.

I wasn’t pretending, I was being clear, vulnerable.

Someone commented on my instagram post- “well, I believe men in LA are trash”.

I want to submit to this women-

Have you ever spent time with a men and really gotten to know them?

Have you told them how YOU felt?

That you felt hurt by something they’ve said.

I realized that I was not at all emotionally vulnerable in my twenties. I pretended to be okay with a man’s actions just to clear far away from confrontation.

Today I said “honestly, I was really grossed out when you took off your dentures, I mean your Invisalign”. Females also don’t communicate honestly and it takes time to learn how to do that.

You cannot expect a men to know what they’re doing wrong if you don’t tell them. So I see this men-hating going on, women secretly gossiping about men but not confronting them.

How is that even a mature thing to do?

Females, if you want to find a good men, start being honest about how you feel towards “these bad men”, maybe you will open up communication that you didn’t know needed to happen. Grace and forgiveness comes from communication, not avoidance.

This ghosting culture is very toxic. I’ve learned to confront the hard things. I will not allow my pride to get in the way of communication, though I’ve been there too. I’m definitely not perfect.

Ladies-

IF you like a guy, tell him.

If you appreciate him, tell him.

If you think he’s cute, tell him.

We expect men to make all the first move, but what if you’re brave enough to say WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART.

Guess what, your HEART LOVES BEING HONEST!!! I feel amazing today because I was honest about the smallest thing, I did not hold back on ONE thing and it felt amazing.

I’ve always been someone who is quite aggressive but for awhile I didn’t allow myself to say what I felt because I didn’t want to look desperate or thirsty. I realized that I never got what I wanted before because I was too afraid to look stupid in front of others.

Now I realize the only way to live is to be honest and to go after what your heart wants. Do you tell people how you actually feel? I encourage you to do so! It’s so liberating!

SOW-

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Let Love In- It Takes A Village To Raise A Kid

I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.

Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.

I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.

Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.

Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.

Everyone has a different journey and a different season.

When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.

Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.

I said “it’s not your fault”.

I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.

“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.

“People ghost because I’m too much”

Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.

It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.

And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.

Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.

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God Wants To Break Down Your Walls

Enjoy my memes 🙂 

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Prophetic Word- Live In Freedom, Don’t Be Afraid To Fail

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God, today I pray to cast out any false responsibility for others, help us to focus on the purpose and goals you have set before us. I break off false responsibility and accusations!

YOU ARE FREE IN Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

God we forgive those who have wronged us and we confront them, tell them how we feel, but then we release and move on. Prepare EVERYONE who you’ve promised their spouse is coming. Protect them from the schemes of the enemy in Jesus name!

Dating Tips-BE HONEST!

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Healing The Father/Mother Wound

I hope that you’d be able to learn something from this video. I love you all! God bless.

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If you would like to talk or need coaching, dm me on instagram! Rebekkalien is my IG account. God bless you!