I went through a lot this weekend and made a video telling people how I felt. I felt really depressed and on the rv I was on felt suicidal after people said what they did on the stream. I don’t want to have any part to do with that community. I’ve always made positive content to encourage people in their lives, to pursue their dreams.
I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.
Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.
I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.
Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.
Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.
Everyone has a different journey and a different season.
When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.
Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.
Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.
I said “it’s not your fault”.
I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.
“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.
“People ghost because I’m too much”
Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.
It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.
And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.
Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.
It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.
God, today I pray to cast out any false responsibility for others, help us to focus on the purpose and goals you have set before us. I break off false responsibility and accusations!
YOU ARE FREE IN Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
God we forgive those who have wronged us and we confront them, tell them how we feel, but then we release and move on. Prepare EVERYONE who you’ve promised their spouse is coming. Protect them from the schemes of the enemy in Jesus name!
I felt abandoned, unworthy, unwanted, there was no opportunity to converse about it. This is how I felt when someone left without telling me after a “date”. We were supposed to leave together and he had picked me up. He left without telling me.
I called him “disgraceful to all of men”.
I was traumatized. I felt rejected.
I felt angry.
It’s never happened to me. I’ve experienced a lot but this was a trigger point.
But God always has a way to redeem my experiences and show me not all men are trash. I kept meeting divine appointments that told me I should be aware of marriage, one lady said marriage is more about crying than laughing. I disagreed with her.
The thing is A LOT OF PEOPLE SETTLE.
PEOPLE don’t date enough, they don’t put themselves out there enough. They expect the first guy or girl they go on a date with to be the one.
Most people don’t even know what they want and they settle for the first person they are attracted to or the first person they have trauma bonds with.
For example thinking that just because that person also feels unworthy, that they have commonalities, just because they feel unwanted, that they find worth in each other.
I believe in being vulnerable and sharing your deepest wounds with each other. Dating is not about putting on a front, but laying all your cards on the table and showing who you really are. Here’s me, take it or leave it.
And guess what, some will leave. And be Okay with that. Thank Jesus for making it a bit easier for you.
I am worthy, I am valuable, I am a gift.
Dating will trigger you, but let it trigger you, let it reveal to you how you actually feel about yourself. What needs to be healed?
I wish someone told me this but I had to learn how to communicate with all types of people. I highly recommend people to go on dates to learn more about themselves, how to speak up for themselves and thrive in a relationship.
Most people don’t even know how to be themselves with others so dating really helps you discover how to be yourself at all times!
It’s not about putting up a front or acting but being 100% truthful about who you are and communicating that.
Here’s the secret to a good relationship-
The more you learn to speak up and communicate your truth from your heart, the closer you actually get to meeting your husband/wife.
People want to rush into a relationship without understanding who they are but dating helps you do that.
What I had to learn to communicate –
My boundaries- what I am okay with and not okay with
My standards- what I find uncomfortable with, with what that person does
I hope you enjoy the video….meeting your life partner is about becoming 100% yourself in every aspect of your life, it’s not about changing yourself to be accepted by a spouse.
Consider giving to this ministry of reaching lost sheep-
Trauma Bonding and Getting Out Of Toxic Relationships
I was in a 2.5 year relationship and didn’t speak up for myself and what I needed. I lost myself. And it took years to find myself again! I am here to help women get out of toxic relationships, speak up for themselves and learn not to “give sex” right away to protect themselves from men who just want sex. The dating journey is about learning to heal from and communicate your needs in a relationship.
I’ve learn not to commit myself to someone just because I like them but to let go when you know immediately that it’s not your husband. How do you know if it’s your husband? Does he believe in God like you do? Do you have the same beliefs about life, morality? What are non- negotiable for you? Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! For coaching – dm me.
“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.
I have this heart heat rash.
He says “don’t be afraid of love”.
I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.
Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.
He goes “I want some pussy”.
My heart was grieved.
I was already disappointed.
Our society has come to this.
I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.
I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.
I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.
Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.
I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.
The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.
People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil.
I spent almost 2 years on the road. I went alone to dangerous countries, 3rd world countries, I went to South Africa, India, Southeast Asia being led by God to pastor lost sheep and prophesy over people who needed miracles, people who were broken and lost.
I faced the fear of starvation, having no shelter, being stranded or even the fear of being raped by strangers.
But God’s voice led me and I saw thousands of miracles. I saw God healed backs, I saw people cry and I taught people how to hear God’s voice.
God told a Muslim girl to not be afraid, He told a Buddhist that everything was going to be okay. She said she wanted to believe in Jesus so we prayed in a hostel.
Having faced all those fears of ALL possible dangers, a virus was an inconvenience. Sure, I had my times of paranoia, but most of it was being persecuted by people for going out. My mom would yell at me for going out but I would hear God say “Go out and don’t be afraid”. I had thousands of divine appointments still. I went to the Abbey, I went to the beach, I met people everywhere.
To everyone out there who persecuted me for going out I want to say the blood of Jesus works. He told me to go out every day – I was ministering to people out on the streets. I preached the blood of Jesus to heal. Y’all don’t believe. Now you do. I’ve been out everyday since the covid, been going to beaches, Miami, tj, planes, buses, trains, wherever God led me and I am healthy by his stripes. I hugged people, layed hands on people, prayed for people, I came into contact with more people than most and I kept proclaiming the truth of His finished work.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)
A lot of Christians don’t give believe Jesus finished the work- so they’ve submitted to fear and the government. By His stripes we are healed- that means in this present state I am healthy and disease is a spirit of infirmity that needs to be rebuked if it attacks.
Last night I talked for an hour and a half with someone who grew up Christian. He found my dating profile on okcupid and we matched. I was reminded of the weightiness of my calling to pastor lost sheep. I was reminded not to get distracted and that even though I felt heart broken over someone who didn’t believe in Jesus, to keep my eyes on God and His promises for me.
He has promised me this-
A life overflowing in abundance
Complete health now.
A husband that will love me with all his heart, someone who loves God
A life full of promises, destiny and dreams. I get to do everything I love with everyone I love.