The Tension of Being Misunderstood and Following Jesus

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I feel the tension of birthing.

Do you?

I feel the tension of seeing God move, He’s leading me to numerous people everyday. People are getting set free, they’re receiving clear prophetic words from God through me, they are getting delivered from fear…and yet at home I am seen as a “jobless” nomad.

Then there are the critics.

The pharisees.

My mom thinks I am out and about everyday literally just doing nothing.

I can’t explain it enough to her, I tell her the miracles, I tell her about the divine encounters I have, but it’s still not enough. 

And He said, “To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables, so that SEEING THEY MAY NOT SEE, AND HEARING THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.” Luke 8:10 

God open the eyes and cast out the deaf and dumb spirit that is trying to oppress the truth.

And when God tells me to ask people for donations, again I’m met with criticism. Why? Because God is exposing their hearts.

I am just listening to God, if I feel led to ask, I ask. I don’t have qualms about it. I have to eat too. But more so God is trying to set people free from bondage. So you can accuse me all you want, but are you willing to be set free?

There is a spiritual stronghold in people sometimes, those needed to be broken off, a fear of lack, a fear of not being enough, a spirit of mammon. People rely on their money and possessions more than God. So I’m the messenger, I become the bad guy. And well, I get all the lashings and it hurts. The accusations come, the guilt trips, the “you’re not doing enough”.

Not only should I be reaching out to people, talking to them, healing them, encountering all kinds of spiritual warfare, but now I need a part time job since people are not willing to give? 

I am out almost 10-12 hours a day on the streets.

And you know the funny thing is?

God will keep closing the doors.

This morning my friend and I were supposed to go deliver flowers as a gig. My mom and her dad complained that “oh it’s not worth it, because well you will waste gas” (again speaking from a fear of lack).

We sent the info they needed, I went in to talk to the woman several times. God showed me she was in desperate need of rest. Why? A spirit of lack (living under the law) will make you feel like you are never enough. This has to do with fallen mankind. Since we are born into a broken world, we are imperfect….we are always trying to become more by being more but it is never enough.

Again, this is the spirit of the law. The spirit of the law will drive you to live like a slave. You will be worn out and you will always try to rely on money for security but you will never feel secure. You will never feel like you are enough or have enough.

Last night I called again and the lady said that they had enough drivers. God closed the door, He said you need to rest. 

Before that the Lord had a divine appointment for me. He had me prophesy to a man that he was supposed to be a preacher. God showed me his heart was broken and he was surprised “how did you know, my wife cheated on me!” We talked for 1-2 hours. As we talked I felt my heart get tenser and tenser and eventually I started crying. I felt the holy spirit wash me. The Lord provided what I needed through this man so that I would no longer need to deliver flowers. 

Why? Because when you work for God and you’re following His agenda, you will be provided for.

That is what He told me when He first told me “you are a shepherd to lost sheep”

I asked the Lord “how will I live?”

The Lord said “I will provide”.

“Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” John 5:19 

After I went to San Gabriel, I then was dropped off in Pasadena by that man who was giving up his whole life to Jesus. I took the bus to Arcadia, then the Lord told me to go back to Pasadena.

On the bus a man sat in the back of the bus. I sat near him and started talking to him. He said he was 16 years old, half my age.

“Hey you should be a model, you have the looks for it”- me

“Actually I do acting”- him

“OMG I knew it!” – I said.

I said that I was a Christian and a prophet…he said that he took psychedelics and it opened his eyes to seeing how bad he was before, he was self involved and the center of attention, he was selfish. I said that under grace he was forgiven if he chose to accept. He no longer needed to be punished for his sins. I asked if he wanted to pray and he said “yes”. So we prayed to receive the whole forgiveness of God, not just half or in part. 

I told him that I always wanted a little brother as I have never seen my half brother.

It was late already but God told me to go to Glendale. 

Oh great God. 

I kind of wanted to go home but a part of me was filled with so much energy.

I went, worrying a bit about how I would get home. Buses don’t run that late.

He said “you’ll get a ride”.

I kept trying to “find” the divine appointment, I guess I thought it would be like last time. You know…I even tried to text someone I met in Glendale last time, but God had other plans.

Eventually I took a Lyft home and the driver of course was a lost sheep. We went to go eat after and she told me that she was raped 10 years ago. I mean it was intense for me. I prayed and prophesied over her. I saw that she would preach and share her testimony to many women. I could feel this false responsibility trying to weigh me down. My shoulders started to hurt.

I feel the tension of birthing, building the church.

I feel the ease of flowing with His spirit but I also feel the overwhelming problems and needs of people. 

I feel the approval and love of people that I’m meeting, their belief as I prophesy to them and they’re transformed by God but also the disapproval of my mother who is trying to tell me almost everyday to live a normal life, to be driven by financial security in the world’s eyes.

So a part of me just wants to move out already, but God hasn’t allowed it.

It’s not that God is cruel or a tormentor.

I know it’s because He is training me, to find peace in the whirlwind, to know He is always with me, that I am never lacking…that I am not to be driven by a fear of lack, the agenda of people, expectations from my mother, but to follow His voice alone. 

And there’s more….

being driven by obligation versus desire. I catch myself too. Am I doing things out of desire or obligation?

Am I doing something because I feel sorry for someone or am I doing it because I want to?

Choose Joy.

You won’t be accepted or understood by everyone, but know that I accept and approve of you- Jesus. 

Sow a seed, thank you for your partnership in setting people free! 

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You Are Enough

You are enough, you are not lacking.

You deserve love.

You deserve good things.

You deserve to have.

You deserve to relax and rest.

You are intrinsically VALUABLE.

You are not valuable because you have money, or because you’ve accomplished things, you are valuable because YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. 

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

He loves you so much He died on the cross for you. He doesn’t love you because you worked for His love, He doesn’t love you because you’re nice to Him all the time, He doesn’t love you because you do all the right things….

Jesus loves you unconditionally.

When God sees you He sees Jesus. You are unblemished. Whole. Not lacking anything. You have done enough. You can rest in His perfect GRACE. 

It’s a complete payment.

From God-

“Hey KID!

You don’t need to prove your worth to me. I want to bless you unconditionally. I don’t bless you because you worked for it, I bless you because you are my child. I bless you not because you always say or do the right thing. By the way, you are right in my eyes so there is no wrong thing.

The message of the cross is powerful through you not because you always have the right grammar….it’s because I live on the inside of you. You can raise the dead and heal the sick because I live on the inside of you. You carry my presence in your being. 

I am so excited for what’s ahead for you. But I want you to know that you are enough now. I only see perfection in you because the blood of Jesus covers you. I don’t see your sins or imperfections. Where are they? I don’t see them. 

I don’t see stupidity like your dad said, or your mom said. I see the smartest kid alive. You’re amazing, awesome, I’m so happy to be your dad.

I’m so proud of you. Thank you for being my child. Hey, let’s have fun together. Let’s go on adventures. I’m going to bless you everywhere you go, you have favor on your head.”

I personally never felt totally ready when I stepped into what God was calling me to, but God would tell me “you are enough”.

I never had the funds for what He was calling me to do.

Sometimes I was a at a deficit. I was at a negative.

But then God would provide. 

Because “the Lord is my shepherd I lack nothing”.

So when I needed courage, when I needed to speak, I spoke not from my own wisdom or understanding, but I spoke what I heard or felt, without preparation. The Bible says “don’t prepare when you speak in front of authorities, the Holy Spirit will speak through you”.

But when they hand you over, do not worry about how to respond or what to say. In that hour you will be given what to say. For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Matthew 10:20 

The other day the Lord told me to pray for a woman who was being arrested. Two cops were taking things out of her pocket.

I opened my mouth and asked “can I pray for her?” 

One cop yelled “NO! What’s wrong with you? Keep walking!!”

And I started walking but sobbing. His yelling shocked me but helped me cry.

I started praying for her because I knew she was oppressed, not a criminal. I kept saying “she didn’t do anything wrong” to myself. That day I was feeling condemned and felt guilt try to oppress me. God works in strange ways to war, but you are righteous in God’s eyes because of His sacrifice.

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Do you have severe anxiety, fear or feel oppressed?
Do you feel controlled, have a hard time speaking up for yourself or you have been trying to find your direction in life?
I provide spiritual coaching and prophetic guidance for those who are feeling lost and oppressed in life.
 
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A Real Conversation with God About Pain

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To Listen to the Blog post 

I hear you talk, and I know your voice but I don’t seem to know what I feel or what I’m thinking.

This needs to be fixed. I felt like a mute kid, that kid playing under the table. I stopped speaking because I lost my heart to betrayals and heartbreaks.

What’s the point of speaking if I’ll be dismissed. 

I saw this in my relationship with my dad, I spoke my mind but he disappeared, for a few days without telling me.

He disappeared for 10 years, then every time I visited another 3 went back.

I saw this pattern in my life, people disappearing. 

But you never did, did you God?

God – no. I never will.

Me- But why does it feel like you are silent when I need you to speak, and why do you speak when I want you to be silent?

God- Because I can’t be controlled and I don’t need to give you directions all the time, you can trust your heart.

Me- I’m not sure if I trust my heart because it obviously gets trampled when I throw my pearls to people. I try to guard my heart the best I can, but I still get ravaged.

God- Your heart is in the palm of my hands and I love you to the earth and back. You are my beloved and I will never let you go, I will never neglect you.

Me- But why does it feel like you are neglecting me right now. Why is everything so hard? Like pins and needles in my heart?

God- Come to me and I will give you rest. You don’t have to be afraid of me.

Me- It’s easier to fix the external things then to just submit myself to the process. The pain is too much to bear. Yesterday I felt like a wrecking ball. Like the song.

God- This pain isn’t forever, this pain is a passing thing. It doesn’t belong to you. Let it out and cry if you have to, cry and let the pain through. Don’t stop the pain. Let it pass through you. 

Me- I want to be in control, to make things happen, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to just let the pain through but pain is uncontrollable, it comes out when you least expect it. Like when I was eating at a restaurant with hundreds of people around me, I can feel their eyes staring. I am embarrassed and horrified. So I let a few trickles out. My mother is accusing me of being useless, she makes me feel like I am a burden.

God- you are a gift from heaven to earth. You are a gift my dear, not a burden. You are my precious queen.

Me- The words sting so much I can’t seem to hear anything else.

God- Then saturate your soul with my words. Any words that align with my heart, listen to that, hear that, speak that.

Me- Why do I have to keep doing damage control? Why can’t I just leave? Move out already? Why don’t you make a way?

God- Because I am doing something new, I need to solidify identity in your soul and spirit. So the battle seems hotter, heated, tougher, but you will get out of it golden. Don’t run from the battle, run straight into my arms. You are safe here, the words are just flies. The words are lies, it hurts but they are lies. They aren’t true.

I will never leave nor forsake you. Lift up your head, your not what those words are dear. I will never drop you, I’m not a deadbeat dad.

Me- Am I really safe with you?

God- yes. Beyond safe. Let the pain through, don’t stop or clog it. Don’t distract yourself with doing. Don’t try to fix the external, don’t try to run away, don’t try to figure out your life.

Sit with me in the fire. Sit and let me extinguish the fire, let the water of the Spirit wash you. Because my love is enough, don’t be afraid. My love is enough for you. Don’t go looking for it anywhere else, my love is enough.

Come to me all who are weary. I know nothing LOOKS right, nothing feels right, but I am here with you in the fire. Look into my eyes, don’t look away. Look into my gaze, because this love is enough. 

Love, Rebekka

Fundraising has been super slow this season, so if YOU’D BE ABLE TO GIVE THIS SEASON, know that God will multiply your seed. Anything helps! I can use all the help I can get. Thank you!

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Prophetic Word – Break Off The Fear Of Lack

God spoke such a convicting word to me today.

He said –

“People pray for things but it’s because if they get it they won’t need me and it will add to their worth, which they think is lacking right now“.

And that’s a lie because Jesus’ sacrifice made you whole on the cross. So when God sees you He only sees Jesus, whole and unblemished.

Our prayers should be “the lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing”. That’s what I kept decreeing when I was on an island in Vietnam and didn’t know I was going to survive or even get off the island. I had less than $20 left. I was crying and really afraid. But I said God you said you are my shepherd and I lack nothing. That’s my reality.

When I was eating outside a man came by and later came back. I didn’t tell him my situation exactly but I told him I was being led by the spirit and doing it by faith. He turned out to be a believer and said he wanted to give. He was actually not wanting to withdraw money again because of atm fees, but God was really testing his trust in Him. He had a fear of lack and God sent me to show Him trust.

Our prayers shouldn’t be “God give us more money. It should be God I lack nothing, continue being my provider”.

I have a strong anointing to break off the “identity of lack” because I lacked all things in the natural. I followed the Holy Spirit to pastor lost sheep and didn’t even have enough money to pay for a hostel. God led me to where I needed to go as He told me to ask specific people on the road for help.

One guy at Macdonald’s made me feel ashamed for asking for help and I started crying.

God I am so ashamed.

I was so intimidated.

He said to me- “Do you know you are priestly royalty? And you are asking for his sake, not yours? Because he has a heart of stone and is not willing to bend? His heart has been closed for a long time and by asking you are (Jesus) knocking at his heart. Will you open and let me in? – I am saying to him”.

My job is hard as a prophet, I felt less than because of how the man responded. But God showed me again and again, you are my child. You’re my prophet. Don’t look at your circumstances, you are breaking hard spiritual ground. It was in a city in New Zealand where the youth I met at Macdonald’s told me it was highly racist and a stingy city. They were very judgemental there and didn’t like foreigners, yet it was a very religious city too.

The religious spirit was evident there as the man who intimidated me was a Lutheran. He looked down on me and asked if I always ask people for money. He was well dressed, but his wife wanted to help. She looked at him for approval and permission.

She was under control too. She was not free.

He kept saying no but finally she went to the car to look for change and when she came back and saw me crying, she said she would get more but never came back.

His controlling spirit changed her mind.

But remember God was specific about who to ask, because He knew what was going on inside of them. Remember this does not apply to everyone.

That’s why when God tells me to ask strangers it’s usually an indication of where they are spiritually. One time He told me to ask a group of Buddhists in India and they all started laughing at me. Why does an american need an Indian’s donation?

God said don’t leave until they give.

The only one that was open to Jesus gave me $1.

How willing are you to give into the spirit of fear and intimidation and give up on peoples’ hearts. God is building a I won’t leave until this thing breaks spirit.

God did not tell me to start asking people for donations until I was really ready to, because it takes a lot of supernatural courage to do it.

But the places where there is the most poverty is where God actually uses giving as a way to break off the spiritual stronghold of lack in that city or country.

Those who think they are lacking need to give to break off the spirit of lack.

One time I asked a homeless man for a donation, I placed a penny next to him. He said I have nothing to give. I said here’s a penny. I said you look at yourself and think you have nothing to give to the world but you are not lacking anything because of Jesus‘ sacrifice. Then God told me to give to him.

Sometimes I’ll ask someone for a donation and they will say I have nothing to give. Then I’ll say do you have $1? Then you have something and you are not lacking.

I was on an Uber ride and prayed and prophesied over a man. He said his dad died 10 years ago. He was grateful that God answered His prayers of sending someone to minister to him. God said to ask him for a donation and he said I don’t have any cash.

All of a sudden he said here. It was $10. Representing the prophetic word- he will restore the years the locust has taken away from you- the 10 years since his father died.

People think –

If only I get a perfect body, I’ll be whole. If I get my husband or wife, I’ll be happy. If I get a new place, I’ll be whole. If I get more money I won’t need to rely on God and I won’t feel like I’m lacking. If I just walk into my promises, I’ll know God loves me.

But all of that is actually a spirit of lack lying to you. It causes you to look at your circumstances (condition of your body, possessions, bank account, relationships, self) versus your identity as a child of God, reigning over this earth and having dominion over all things.

You are enough and you are not lacking. You don’t have to become more anything. You can rest in God’s perfect grace for you.

A sheep trust her shepherd (Jesus) to feed her and lead her, someone who relies on money has no shepherd or father.

I’m reminded when I was on the road and needed food or needed to know where he was leading me to sleep he always told me where and how. He often did not tell me where I was supposed to go until the day of because I wasn’t reliant on the plans but on God Himself. Was it scary? Yes. I had to pray against fear everyday. I also didn’t have someone next to me to talk to everyday but God always led me to other brothers and sisters as well and He gave me times of rest.

So it wasn’t MONEY I needed but his VOICE.

That’s why it says A psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

God does not want us to be self reliant or be in control. He wants us to be a sheep that trusts Him completely to protect us.

When we look at our shortcoming, we always feel lacking but when we look to Christ who is perfect and became our sin- we know we are actually whole because of His sacrifice!

Break off the fear of lack and reliance on mammon by sowing a seed of trust to God –

Ask the Lord if it’s time to give– when you know you’ve been relying on money or your job more than God, when you give- you realize no I am enough, I’m not lacking.

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Prophetic Word- Come Out Of Hiding

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Spoken Prophetic Word

“My child,

Come out of hiding. I know you’ve been hurt and wounded. I know it hurt, I know it sucked. 

I see a vision of you in a cave and you are rereading your past hurts. I see memories written down and you keep rereading them. It’s a dark dark cave.

I see a vision of you with lots of people accusing you, surrounding you and you are cowering in fear, you are scared of the world. 

But now I want you to come out. I want you to come out of the cave. Child, what I have for you. Colors and beauty. Yes there are accusers sent by the devil, but there are also lovers that will love you for who you are. They won’t accuse you, but love you.

I see a vision of you being embraced and hugged and loved for who you are. 

OH CHILD what I have for you. People who will give everything to love you. People who will say yes to you. People who will embrace you at your worse. And you may have moments where you feel like YOU don’t have enough or you are not enough. You feel so scared that you will fail them and you will fail them because you’re not supposed to be their god anyway.”

You see I found relationships suffocating at times because I felt pressure to be someone I wasn’t or I felt pressure to carry their burdens, I felt responsible for their problems and I didn’t know how to set boundaries. Perhaps I am still working on that. How do you spend time with people and still set boundaries to your heart?

You tell them- hey I need a break from talking about your problems. You set verbal boundaries, you speak honestly.

God- I am responsible for your heart. 

Will you let go of the past and move on?

Will you forgive and let me by your safety?

Do you know that I am enough for you and that you are perfect in my eyes. Don’t hold onto the pain. Let me be your safety net. 

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Walk In The Unknown

I moved a lot growing up so I was constantly walking into the unknown. Not by choice though. Me in Germany.

Most of our society walks in the known. The known is comfortable, safe, without unknowns but God constantly pushes us to trust Him to walk with Him in the unknowns.

So that’s where though we think we are “resting” often we are submitting to fear. It’s sounds strange because of course some people seriously need to rest but most people sit in front of the television as the world passes by.

Watching tv is not resting. Yes, there are seasons of that but even in this season I feel wary thinking about the future.

I’m back in LA but heading out June 24.

I’m not sure what to expect and to be honest I’m a little traumatized by everything I went through this year ministering on the road. I’m not sure if I ever want to experience it again yet I know God is calling me to a higher level of faith.

I kind of hate that He has called me to this life.

I keep telling Him “I can’t do it”.

I can’t go on anymore.

I feel numb.

And that’s my heart wanting to be comfortable, to succumb to fear.

Jesus- You can do anything you set your mind to.

Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to live a boring life?

Jesus- then you’ll be bored.

Okay then.

God I kind of don’t want to trust you.

Jesus- you’re not an orphan, you’re a child of God.

Me- but I went through a lot of things I didn’t really want to go through.

Jesus- but you got through it.

Me- but I have bad memories from it and I’m mentally trying to protect myself from future instances of a) being severely accused of or rejected by people I minister to b) having to be on the streets and having to ask judgmental people for help c) the list goes on.

Jesus- you are enough.

Don’t settle for the past or even think about the past. Move forward.

Me- My body and psyche can’t seem to move forward.

Jesus- let go and focus on me. Let go of every hindering memory and focus on me. Focus on my goodness. The enemy wants you to focus on the bad experiences. I am a good father – do you trust me?

Me- no not right now. But I’m still following you- I just don’t feel the joy.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

2 Corinthians 4:8

This is my process. I know it’s been a hard week for some of you and in the battle it’s easy to lose joy so I pray right now God will bring back joy into your heart and if you need to cry- cry. I pray encouragement over your hearts.

I will be heading to Taiwan then China. I’m not sure what God has in store but I know most missionaries are getting kicked out of China so it helps that I’m independent in the sense that I’m just going where the spirit leads instead of being stationed like most missionaries.

I am now raising funds for what’s ahead. Flight tickets and living fees. Would you consider partnering with me in bringing Christ to the world?

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Where Is Home? Finding Stability in The Chaos

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I decided to write because I started sobbing. Why I was sobbing…Let me explain.

I just got back to LA but instead of the normal LA life, I found myself being called by God to minister everyday. I was pushed and forced out of my comfort zone (in LA). One day I was going 40 miles out on a bus, another day I’m traveling. I’ve been spending almost 4 hours on public transportation everyday. God has led me to the people He wanted me to relay messages to.

Like today I got to meet a father and son in the wee early morning. I felt so at home with them. My heart felt alive. 

The reason I was even going to Calabasas was because I saw an audition to be a rainbow hair model. I really want rainbow hair. However, I didn’t like the idea of waking up early but I felt that God wanted me to go.

So the night before I said “God if you want me to go, then wake me up”. I didn’t set an alarm.

At 4:30 am God woke me up with a revelation and I blogged about it (the previous post). At 5:30 am I decided to go back to sleep…however God said “wake up, go now!”

I was like “fine”. I took a bus around 6:15 am and when I got to Downtown I was at the bus stop when a man and his son asked me if the bus stopped there, I said yes. Immediately I felt a connection. God said to sit next to him so we talked the whole way. He showed me the book he wrote and published on amazon. He said he directed films and his son (8 years old) said he wanted to make money and he found an audition for him.

We happened to be going to the same studio.

Strangely, I said I started making money when I was 8 years old too, selling toys after school. I said usually the reason kids want to make money is because they feel insecure, like I did at the time. I saw my mother struggling and I wanted to help by being independent at a young age.

God has a strange way of connecting us to people with similar experiences. Then he told me how he drove a bus and sold t-shirts out of it, he traveled throughout the US. I prayed over him and said that in God’s eyes he is not lacking and that he needed to speak his truth without fear of what others thought of him. He told me how he was adopted but that aristocrats and celebrities always gravitate towards him because of his authenticity.

I really loved meeting them and enjoyed spending time with them.

After I arrived 2 hours early, I waited around for my audition. God kept telling me that I would be the only one and sure enough I was the only one that showed up for the audition. However, because of my hair length I was not picked.

I felt like a failure for some reason…maybe it was the way the lady asked for more photos of me saying “I need to see what you look like” while she was obviously standing in front of me…LIKE HELLO CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE?

My mind raced- “she must be racist, she must not think I’m pretty enough, is it because of my growing lower chin, is it because I have no makeup on?”

I felt so depleted and disappointed…”I thought you said I would get picked!” I said to God. No answer. But deep down I knew that God was somehow protecting me. It was just an off-spirit about that place.

At first I sat in one place hoping she’d change her mind. I just really wanted rainbow hair. I don’t know why. Maybe rainbows represent promises fulfilled and maybe I felt like I hadn’t seen that many promises fulfilled. Sure I’ve ministered in 14 countries in the last year and have seen OTHER PEOPLES’ promises fulfilled, but for some reason I felt that I was STILL waiting for mine to be fulfilled. 

So I thought “I was the only one, I had no competition, yet I still didn’t get what I want?” That’s how I felt. The lady had to tell me “you’re free to go” before I could get myself up.

I went to the bathroom and started crying. 

I was disappointed. I was tired. It felt like my life, and I know it was the enemy of course...but I was just tired of being disappointed you know? Whether it came to a potential suitor not ending up being my future husband, the relationship not working out….or feeling like I had a home and then going back to LA and being accused by my mother instead of celebrated. 

My heart felt really tired.

Again? It felt.

Then I nodded off in the bus heading back to Downtown. I saw a lot of drunk people, high people on the bus. I smelled weed, I saw drunk people hitting on women. This is LA, but it felt foreign. “It’s gotten worse” I thought as I sat in the crowded Orange Line Bus to North Hollywood.

It occurred to me….”Hollywood is full of orphans looking for approval”. 

The guy with a guitar strapped to his heart in the bus.

A guy with golden chains around his neck while he spoke to his friend on the phone, “everyone who is anyone is out in Hollywood trying to make it”.

God said “well you are my daughter and you don’t need anyone’s approval”. That’s when God really set me free because a part of my heart was still hoping to make it in Hollywood (to share the light of Jesus). I thought I needed to appear in movies and tv shows to be influential but God was saying “I don’t need that, I don’t need a network, I don’t need a tv channel, I will do it my way through you”. 

You don’t need whoever you think you need.

I think that’s why people end up bowing down to people versus God. They think they need the job, the paycheck, the husband, the abuser, the relationship, the friend….but you don’t need anyone or anything but God. Because whoever you are codependent on usually begin to abuse or lord over you. That’s what I talked about in my last post, Sarah versus Hagar

So everything seemed to be piling up. In addition, after just coming back to LA, living a life of ministry on the road, I’m still doing ministry here. Then God says “it’s time to go” again. I leave LA June 24. I just follow His spirit everyday. My flesh is screaming, I don’t want to!!! I want to live a normal life!! But my spirit is like “YES, take me!” 

Because of the hardships and challenges I’ve gone through this year coming back actually feels like coming off the battlefield in the army.

I feel like a soldier coming back to civilian life, yet…still on the battlefield spiritually. I haven’t seen any of my friends yet….yet everything feels different. Recently I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night from music in the air. I don’t know where the music is coming from but maybe it’s spiritual music.

Maybe it’s music to awaken my heart.

So when my mom texts me and asks me where I’m moving to next, I say “I’m actually leaving the country again” and I start sobbing. I only got to see her for 3 days as she had to work out of town. We were able to reconcile and communicate on a better level – praise God.

Nothing feels stable but I know I must look to Jesus at all times. I can’t rely on my environment or people for stability, I must look at God alone. 

I don’t know why God chose me for this type of life – actually I do know- because I’m willing. I’m willing to overcome the fears that bind most people to a “stable life” -though the stable life is actually filled with fear that create stagnant hearts and lives. 

My friend said I’m like a piece of iron that God had to mold so that I can withstand anything. That’s great. Basically I’m like Iron Woman. How attractive, haha.

Just when I start to feel at home I have to leave. But that’s part of moving with God’s spirit. We must jump with Him and not linger. He has been telling me that every morning. Don’t linger, just go. We linger because we feel like we are not enough, we don’t have enough (money, clothes, abilities, friends, opportunities), we are not wearing the right clothes, etc….

But when God says “go”- you have to go!

That has been me for the last year. Feeling unprepared everyday but just going with God. He says “don’t prepare what you are going to say in front of the governors, when you get there I’ll speak through you”. In the same way, God wants us to be unprepared and to TRUST HIM to speak through us, work in THAT MOMENT. 

WE ARE OVER- PREPARERS! BUT WE PREPARE OUT OF OUR OWN LOGIC AND REASONING- Not God’s logic. You have read about the many times I didn’t have enough money for a hostel or something on the road and God gave me the specific instructions I needed in that moment. Or He asked me to ask someone for help and in actuality they needed a prophetic word or healing from God. 

The divine appointment was in my need. 

The divine appointment needed something from me as a messenger of God and I needed something materially. Jesus even said to the disciples, bring no money bag. That’s pretty crazy. I think most missionaries don’t live that way. But somehow I’ve experienced it and I do not wish it upon anyone…yet, now I have a lot less fears than before.

We don’t see God moving because we rely more on other things. We don’t give Him room to move when we’ve already filled the room with our own preparations. 

So how about you just jump?

It’s time to jump. 

Partner with me and see God move powerfully in your life. I ask you not to just give your money but your life to Jesus today! Thank you for giving! I pray God’s peace and joy over you in Jesus name!

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John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Ask Jesus into your heart, He wants a relationship with you. He died on the cross and rose again for your sins and when you receive Him He only sees Jesus in you, not your blemishes and faults.

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