Healing The Father Wound

image0

Me in Hamburg, Germany

How long since I actually took a nap?

Since I lay down here, and just relaxed, and let go, and just be.

It’s been awhile. I felt strange, I got a headache.

I took a nap. I woke up feeling depressed and hungry. I was thinking about the mediocre Mac and cheese from Sprouts. I didn’t really have an appetite. I decided to call a friend after crying. I started weeping while telling her that I still felt a lot of sadness towards accepting that my dad will never be what I want him to be. My friend said it’s actually the same thing as grieving a death. But it’s worse because that person actually have a choice to reciprocate love.

My realization-

“God what I want is a relationship with my dad, and that’s one thing I want and I can’t have it. I pursue it, but nothing. I’m cut off. He’s unable to have an emotional connection”. He is an alcoholic. Instead of confronting, speaking up he turns to alcohol. He lives on the other side of the world in Taiwan.

My whole life I shut down my heart, I didn’t know how to address it. I would suddenly detach myself from people and want to be alone. I’d want alone time because it was safer to be alone than to be hurt by someone.

I’d have a huge desire for emotional intimacy. I’d meet someone I really like but then if I knew he wasn’t it, I’d disappear, they would also disappear. We’d knew how to cut each other out of our lives, but there was no acknowledgement, I didn’t know how to talk through it.

I attracted men who were emotionally and physically absent….men I could not be in relationships with, men who I met ten thousand miles away that I would need to say goodbye to when I had to get on another flight.

It was too hard to face the pain of a possible connection, then ending that connection.

I felt immense emotions, I loved the initial high. I loved the romance and sure I’d get sad when I had to leave to another city, but at least I was safe from intense pain. I was safe from connecting long term and disconnecting. 

I knew that none of them were my husband.

But that was my process. God had to heal me and it’s taken 31 years of my life. I was that little girl in a corner, playing by herself in kindergarten. I felt unwanted by my father. I felt abandoned and rejected.

This season God has been breaking open my heart and healing every wound…by bringing me to a place of vulnerability where I can open my heart up to people. These people are also going through the same thing. 

These are people who will love me for who I truly am.

And that means I am completely open and vulnerable with you too. Whoever you are. I am speaking to you.

It’s not easy to open your heart but it is the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever experience in your life. 

Nothing else matters, no house, no car, no material possession, no accomplishment…

You can win the Emmy’s and have no one to cry with.

I am so happy I have people to cry with, people who I can be completely honest with. I’m grateful I can tell them “when you did this, it hurt” and I’m grateful that I can admit that I’m scared, angry, lonely, sad to them.

I’m glad I can talk about Jesus and penises all in one conversation. I can be completely honest and not have to censor myself to one topic. It is merging our faith with our humanity that truly makes us human.

I’ve been trying to figure out the future, trying to do instead of be because I didn’t want to face the emotional pain in my heart.

It hurts that my dad has no capacity of being in relationship with me.

It hurts that I have to go back to Taiwan to even talk to him.

But thank you God for healing this pain in my heart. Thank you that I am moving forward, I’m facing the pain and understanding the patterns in my heart that prevents me from wanting to be vulnerable and honest with people.

image1

One of my best friends in Kindergarten

Now I’d like to be myself and know that people will not reject me. I have those people now. I won’t hide underneath the guise of people pleasing anymore because God has given me courage to speak my truth, even if others are offended by it. 

Sure, I was persecuted and I offended people when I was ministering on the road, but it’s given me the courage and strength to always speak my truth no matter what the reactions are. 

It is harder to speak your truth to people you are close to than strangers, because you face the risk of losing them.

But maybe those who can’t take the truth are not really your friends.

I kept thinking God what should I do…instead of facing my emotions. It’s easier to be busy than to be vulnerable with God (and people).

God that’s the only thing I want. I want to be naked emotionally and unashamed, like Adam and Eve before sin entered the world.

He has been preparing me for marriage and it’s HARD! REALLY HARD, this process is exposing me so much. But I’m ready, I’m so ready.

Marriage is not just about finding someone you love but being able to be emotionally vulnerable with our life partner. Are you speaking your truth to those around you now? Your friends and family? 

Sow a Seed (make a donation)-
Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

YOU ARE ENOUGH NEW PODCAST

Book A Mobile Coaching Session 

 

Go Into the New Years Celebrating The Highlights of 2014!

image1

At the Pasadena Frenchie Meetup- Merry Christmas!

HOLA! 2015 is coming and in my “let’s just get over December, get over this resting period” I was struck with a reminder that I needed to be thankful for the little and big victories of 2014. I encourage you to LIST OUT the major highlights of your year (per month)…not what others may find significant, but what is close to your heart. This will reveal your passion and what truly lights you up. 

In 2014, I got out of a long term relationship. I put it out there because I want to be real with you. A few highlights:

Jan-May: Took a German class, super intensive, got to know a DJ and a cool gal. Started writing for San Gabriel Valley Journal/Monterey Park Journal. This was a 9 month ordeal, every month I wrote about my revelations of life, relationships and love.

Jan: Started a group called Kreativehaus, an organic community

March: Flew to Orlando for a Wealth Conference, was struck with realizations about my life and relationships, then ended my relationship which was 2.3 years.

May: Gave my first super long seminar to high school students and youths as well as a seminar at my real estate company. Beginning of speaking more! Took a 3 day solitude retreat to Big Bear, here I was struck with epiphanies on how I was to live life in faith and love.

Between April- July: Started teaching Yoga and Meditation, created a community of people who longed for relaxation, connection with self and connection with the universe. I started taking a COMEDY IMPROV CLASS, in class, the teacher suggested I do commercial acting and this was in line with that desire to act. I signed up and got an acting agent right away. Blessed, totally.

Went to a hollywood acting seminar, ended up listening to Christopher Pratt talk about Steve Jobs and how he manifested his reality and time traveled to his own desired destination. This is called Reality Bending. I decided I was going to Europe at the end of the year, didn’t know how, didn’t have enough funds, but was going to do it.

August: Held my first self- made Entrepreneur Workshop on how to make money doing what you love. Realized it was WAY too much work to host on my own. But I realized that I love teaching people to live a better life.

September: FINISHED MY FIRST EBOOK! “How To Make Money Doing What You Love”, super self published. Have sold about 20 copies so far! You can get it here: Get a free 30 coaching session with purchase before December 30. 

September- December: September 24 I flew to London (yes by myself) to begin 2 months of who knows what. I banked my journey on the belief that the universe would take care of me. Look, my life is totally NOT perfect. I struggle so much sometimes, people don’t see it, I cry 3 out of 7 days for a month sometimes….probably buckets of tears. For this trip, I decided to cut family ties so I could be a TRUE independent and not even rely on my mom for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. 

On this trip, I went to London for 1.6 weeks, Amsterdam for 2 days (where I got SUPER sick), Berlin for 10 days, Prague for 10 days or more, Florence, Rome, Naples, Paris, Barcelona. My biggest lessons learn: Learn to TRUST God, learn to TRUST yourself, LET GO, and TRUST.

On a walk in Paris, I was inspired and heard SMART SPIRITUAL SEXY. I started a website plus facebook group named “Smart Spiritual Sexy”. 

December: December 12 I officially signed on with Howard Talent West agency for Commercial Acting and Print. At an interview with a casting director, she suggested I should start my own show, so I finally started THE BEX SHOW (conversations about love, life and work)! My agent and I below!

image2

And of course, I did real estate, and it doubled from last year, though I became a lease manager later on so that I was less hands on. I realized I needed to pursue what made me come alive and that if I did ANYTHING for the money, it would drain my heart. So I’m pursuing my middle school dream now and I intend to complete every dream I’ve had since I was a child.

Obviously, I also had SOME REALLY significant friendships throughout 2014. MAJOR.

Things I learned this year:

1. Learn to trust your heart

2. True freedom comes from setting boundaries and cutting soul ties from people you are co-dependent on (including parents, people!!!)

3. Smell the roses because you are always HERE AND NOW, never in the past, never in the future. And whenever POSSIBLE, PLEASE DANCE and celebrate YOU!

FullSizeRender

4. Love and treat yourself well, because this sets an example of how people should treat you.

5. Ask and Ask and Ask, and if they don’t give you what you want, it’s time to move on (whoever it is, a partner, a boss, etc).

6. Friends aren’t forever, learn to move on so you can meet friends that are on your level.

7. Don’t let people determine your worth based on what you’ve earned in $ signs- you are worthy no matter what. But also true accomplishment comes from feeling fulfilled, knowing that you are contributing to others and doing something that fulfills your heart and passion. I can honestly say that as an entrepreneur, I often feel depleted and feel like less than who I really am, but you have to pat yourself on the back..

The question is – did you take risks? Did you take lots of calculated risks and put yourself out there so you could potentially reach your goals? Then that’s all that matters. Every risk you take is planting seeds for your dreams to sprout into a big giant tree. Your friends and family might not see it yet and because of that, they criticize you or judge you, but just let them know that a bamboo takes 5 years to show ANY signs of GROWTH above the SOIL! 

At the end of the day, you know that if you took risks, you took it because you know you are worth it. 

I’m so proud of you, we’ve come a far ways, but we’ve also grown internally and how we see ourselves is everything.