A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia
I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.
There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.
Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.
“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.
I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.
As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.
This is living with an open heart.
God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.
Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.
The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out.
After a few days, you have to cry.
Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb.
Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.
I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.
There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.
But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.
I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.
More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.
And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.
Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.
This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust.
But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.
Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.
Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.
Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.