The Tension of Being Misunderstood and Following Jesus

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I feel the tension of birthing.

Do you?

I feel the tension of seeing God move, He’s leading me to numerous people everyday. People are getting set free, they’re receiving clear prophetic words from God through me, they are getting delivered from fear…and yet at home I am seen as a “jobless” nomad.

Then there are the critics.

The pharisees.

My mom thinks I am out and about everyday literally just doing nothing.

I can’t explain it enough to her, I tell her the miracles, I tell her about the divine encounters I have, but it’s still not enough. 

And He said, “To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables, so that SEEING THEY MAY NOT SEE, AND HEARING THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.” Luke 8:10 

God open the eyes and cast out the deaf and dumb spirit that is trying to oppress the truth.

And when God tells me to ask people for donations, again I’m met with criticism. Why? Because God is exposing their hearts.

I am just listening to God, if I feel led to ask, I ask. I don’t have qualms about it. I have to eat too. But more so God is trying to set people free from bondage. So you can accuse me all you want, but are you willing to be set free?

There is a spiritual stronghold in people sometimes, those needed to be broken off, a fear of lack, a fear of not being enough, a spirit of mammon. People rely on their money and possessions more than God. So I’m the messenger, I become the bad guy. And well, I get all the lashings and it hurts. The accusations come, the guilt trips, the “you’re not doing enough”.

Not only should I be reaching out to people, talking to them, healing them, encountering all kinds of spiritual warfare, but now I need a part time job since people are not willing to give? 

I am out almost 10-12 hours a day on the streets.

And you know the funny thing is?

God will keep closing the doors.

This morning my friend and I were supposed to go deliver flowers as a gig. My mom and her dad complained that “oh it’s not worth it, because well you will waste gas” (again speaking from a fear of lack).

We sent the info they needed, I went in to talk to the woman several times. God showed me she was in desperate need of rest. Why? A spirit of lack (living under the law) will make you feel like you are never enough. This has to do with fallen mankind. Since we are born into a broken world, we are imperfect….we are always trying to become more by being more but it is never enough.

Again, this is the spirit of the law. The spirit of the law will drive you to live like a slave. You will be worn out and you will always try to rely on money for security but you will never feel secure. You will never feel like you are enough or have enough.

Last night I called again and the lady said that they had enough drivers. God closed the door, He said you need to rest. 

Before that the Lord had a divine appointment for me. He had me prophesy to a man that he was supposed to be a preacher. God showed me his heart was broken and he was surprised “how did you know, my wife cheated on me!” We talked for 1-2 hours. As we talked I felt my heart get tenser and tenser and eventually I started crying. I felt the holy spirit wash me. The Lord provided what I needed through this man so that I would no longer need to deliver flowers. 

Why? Because when you work for God and you’re following His agenda, you will be provided for.

That is what He told me when He first told me “you are a shepherd to lost sheep”

I asked the Lord “how will I live?”

The Lord said “I will provide”.

“Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” John 5:19 

After I went to San Gabriel, I then was dropped off in Pasadena by that man who was giving up his whole life to Jesus. I took the bus to Arcadia, then the Lord told me to go back to Pasadena.

On the bus a man sat in the back of the bus. I sat near him and started talking to him. He said he was 16 years old, half my age.

“Hey you should be a model, you have the looks for it”- me

“Actually I do acting”- him

“OMG I knew it!” – I said.

I said that I was a Christian and a prophet…he said that he took psychedelics and it opened his eyes to seeing how bad he was before, he was self involved and the center of attention, he was selfish. I said that under grace he was forgiven if he chose to accept. He no longer needed to be punished for his sins. I asked if he wanted to pray and he said “yes”. So we prayed to receive the whole forgiveness of God, not just half or in part. 

I told him that I always wanted a little brother as I have never seen my half brother.

It was late already but God told me to go to Glendale. 

Oh great God. 

I kind of wanted to go home but a part of me was filled with so much energy.

I went, worrying a bit about how I would get home. Buses don’t run that late.

He said “you’ll get a ride”.

I kept trying to “find” the divine appointment, I guess I thought it would be like last time. You know…I even tried to text someone I met in Glendale last time, but God had other plans.

Eventually I took a Lyft home and the driver of course was a lost sheep. We went to go eat after and she told me that she was raped 10 years ago. I mean it was intense for me. I prayed and prophesied over her. I saw that she would preach and share her testimony to many women. I could feel this false responsibility trying to weigh me down. My shoulders started to hurt.

I feel the tension of birthing, building the church.

I feel the ease of flowing with His spirit but I also feel the overwhelming problems and needs of people. 

I feel the approval and love of people that I’m meeting, their belief as I prophesy to them and they’re transformed by God but also the disapproval of my mother who is trying to tell me almost everyday to live a normal life, to be driven by financial security in the world’s eyes.

So a part of me just wants to move out already, but God hasn’t allowed it.

It’s not that God is cruel or a tormentor.

I know it’s because He is training me, to find peace in the whirlwind, to know He is always with me, that I am never lacking…that I am not to be driven by a fear of lack, the agenda of people, expectations from my mother, but to follow His voice alone. 

And there’s more….

being driven by obligation versus desire. I catch myself too. Am I doing things out of desire or obligation?

Am I doing something because I feel sorry for someone or am I doing it because I want to?

Choose Joy.

You won’t be accepted or understood by everyone, but know that I accept and approve of you- Jesus. 

Sow a seed, thank you for your partnership in setting people free! 

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Prophetic Word- True Rest

A lot of people are not resting in me. They are striving and running around like chicken with their heads cut off, they are trying to get more, do more, be more, they are trying to iron the fat off their bodies, they are punishing themselves and eating less, eating foods that are not yummy, they are punishing themselves for having fat, blemishes on their faces, they are altering their faces with surgery, they are buying more trying to look cooler…

so many of my sons and daughters are not resting in me.

I wish they would see that if they’ll accept they are enough in me, that my Son Jesus has already taken on every blemish, fat, excess, not enough on the cross, sins, insecurities, mistakes, that they’d see I am so enough and they have been made perfect in my eyes.

I wish they would just surrender their getting, doing and just be.

Oh to flow and rest in my grace, in my spirit, there is water there, so much refreshment and life.

Oh to flow in my Spirit means everything is provided for, there is no fighting or striving, only rest. That rest doesn’t mean not doing anything, but flowing in ease, flowing in love, not fear. 

I keep wanting peoples’ hearts but they keep trying to perform for me, showing me, going ‘look daddy, look what I did!’ but they are running on a hamster wheel, exasperated.

I’m telling you ‘come sit and enjoy a meal with me’ and the table is layed out and there is much provision for those that will flow with me. You are saving for tomorrow, but you are living today in fear. So many of you are not trusting me for provision. You are saving for a rainy day not knowing that I am the provider. 

I am grieved because the table is so abundant with fullness but you are afraid of not having enough, because you are not sitting at my table, you are running to everything else but me.

Come feast with me, the life with me is full of fun and enjoyment. It is not filled with fear. It is bold and filled with laughter. It is filled with authenticity and raw love.

Come feast with me. Anything is possible. Come feast on the possibilities. We will have adventures no one will suspect, it will be our secret, some public, some a secret. We will hold hands and climb mountains, meet people, set people free, but it is all enjoyable, nothing a chore. 

I never called you to carry backpacks of false responsibility. If it’s not yours, don’t carry it. Move on, lay it down. Trust me to take care of them, whoever they are.

I am so good, and it’s so fun to walk with me!”

Partner with me today. Thank you! 

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A Persevering Love

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A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia

I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.

There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.

Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.

“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.

I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.

As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.

This is living with an open heart.

God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.

Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.

The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out. 

After a few days, you have to cry.

Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb. 

Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.

I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.

There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.

But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.

I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.

More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.

And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.

This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust. 

But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.

Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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God Wants To Meet You In The Unknown

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I’ve been battling a cold recently.

I had a dream last night where I couldn’t figure out what train to get on, whether to Azusa or Disneyland. I took the train the wrong way, I got off, then took the train the right way, and then got off to take another train. Then I just decided to go use the restroom which was in between both trains. A door opened up for me to go number one.

In another dream, I was trying to choose the right cup to drink water from because I was parched. But I didn’t like any of the cups. Some were too big and some were dirty. Then I was lying on the beach and I had no sunscreen on and my eye was parched.

When I woke up I felt like God wanted to meet me in the unknown.

The waiting and transition season often feels like a drag. It feels uncertain, unstable…you often can’t answer peoples’ questions like “what have you been up to?”

Your reply might be “just resting”.

But it’s not just resting, it’s meeting God in the unknown. 

The transition period often calls for us to be still and know that God is God. 

He wants to remind us of His character – that He is good, that He loves us, that He knows what He is doing, that He sometimes puts us in a season of rest so that we understand His character.

And that is why Resting is so hard for people of this world. RESTING means letting go and trusting that everything will work out. 

That is why most people cannot rest if they have dire circumstances in life, but we know that Jesus is working on our behalf (we live from a place of victory) and so even in dire circumstances our hearts can rest in a God who knows what HE is doing, who is trust worthy and who never LEAVES nor forsakes us. 

So it’s not really just about God answering your prayers or delivering a miracle….it’s manifesting all those things HE wants to give us from a place of knowing how much He loves us and cares for us. He wants us to live out of our God given identities.

He wants to bless us as fathers bless their children, from a pure heart of love.

Whenever I try to figure out or ask God “what should I do?” I now know that I want to DO without knowing who He is or who I am.

When we are trying to figure out what’s next, it is often because “in the waiting” we have become impatient and doubt creeps in. This doubt asks us “does God knows what He is doing? Is He a good God? Should I try to handle this situation now since it doesn’t seem like God is doing anything?”

In the transition period, God desires for us to KNOW His character and heart in a deeper and stronger way.  He wants us to know WHO He really is in every circumstance. He wants us to mature in our understanding of our position in Christ.

So many people want to have His material blessings without becoming people who walk with Him as friends. The true blessing is becoming a people who carry His presence and become blessings on this earth because of their intimacy with Jesus. 

God desires for us to KNOW who we are– people with spiritual inheritance and authority. A people who have a Father who loves them.

God desires for us to KNOW who HE is– A God who loves us unconditionally and HAS PLANS to prosper us and not to harm us.

The unknown season forces us to get to know WHO we are in Christ and WHO He is for US.

So don’t feel burdened or rushed to get to the next season, there are treasures of intimacy in the unknown and waiting season. Feed your soul and spirit with the love of God. Indulge in the love God has for you. Rest in knowing that His grace is enough for you.

“I need you to understand who you are and who I am for you before I open the doors to the next season. Not knowing who you are could cause you to open doors to people and opportunities that will hurt you more than help you. I need you to walk in the Christ given authority you were meant to walk in, you inheritance causes you to walk in true spiritual power”- says the Lord.

365 Days of Rest

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The election is over.

But our lives have just begun. The election sparked a passion within me to make a difference in the world. As the numbers came in I actually started crying, crying turned to weeping and found my soul anguished. Perhaps it was Spirit within me or my personal desire connected to the election. This went deeper than I thought. Perhaps my desire to see a woman become president was a personal desire to see my own life blossom into the impossibilities of humanity. And perhaps it was the last straw for everything I had envisioned for this year.

All of this came into apex of surrender.

I would have to surrender my personal desire and trust that God would protect, empower and push me towards the direction that even I could no longer envision for myself. Because we put too much hope in one person. We thought that maybe the “Right person” could save us, and the truth is we put not only the president on a pedestal, we put “finding the perfect spouse”, “finding the right opportunity”, breaking our personal goals on a pedestal, but all of that is fleeting in the light of perfect peace in each moment.

I have been reading 365 Devotions For Finding Rest and it has helped me to find solace in times of turmoil. I find my soul crying out for justice, for peace, for joy, for restoration. I’ve been in months of surrender and rest, saying “no” to things, opportunities, people. Letting the season pass so that the right things and people could enter my current realm.

Asking me to be still is like asking a lion not to run free with strength, but in the stillness I find the ache in my heart heal steadily.