A Persevering Love

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A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia

I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.

There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.

Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.

“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.

I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.

As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.

This is living with an open heart.

God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.

Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.

The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out. 

After a few days, you have to cry.

Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb. 

Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.

I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.

There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.

But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.

I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.

More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.

And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.

This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust. 

But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.

Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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God Wants To Meet You In The Unknown

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I’ve been battling a cold recently.

I had a dream last night where I couldn’t figure out what train to get on, whether to Azusa or Disneyland. I took the train the wrong way, I got off, then took the train the right way, and then got off to take another train. Then I just decided to go use the restroom which was in between both trains. A door opened up for me to go number one.

In another dream, I was trying to choose the right cup to drink water from because I was parched. But I didn’t like any of the cups. Some were too big and some were dirty. Then I was lying on the beach and I had no sunscreen on and my eye was parched.

When I woke up I felt like God wanted to meet me in the unknown.

The waiting and transition season often feels like a drag. It feels uncertain, unstable…you often can’t answer peoples’ questions like “what have you been up to?”

Your reply might be “just resting”.

But it’s not just resting, it’s meeting God in the unknown. 

The transition period often calls for us to be still and know that God is God. 

He wants to remind us of His character – that He is good, that He loves us, that He knows what He is doing, that He sometimes puts us in a season of rest so that we understand His character.

And that is why Resting is so hard for people of this world. RESTING means letting go and trusting that everything will work out. 

That is why most people cannot rest if they have dire circumstances in life, but we know that Jesus is working on our behalf (we live from a place of victory) and so even in dire circumstances our hearts can rest in a God who knows what HE is doing, who is trust worthy and who never LEAVES nor forsakes us. 

So it’s not really just about God answering your prayers or delivering a miracle….it’s manifesting all those things HE wants to give us from a place of knowing how much He loves us and cares for us. He wants us to live out of our God given identities.

He wants to bless us as fathers bless their children, from a pure heart of love.

Whenever I try to figure out or ask God “what should I do?” I now know that I want to DO without knowing who He is or who I am.

When we are trying to figure out what’s next, it is often because “in the waiting” we have become impatient and doubt creeps in. This doubt asks us “does God knows what He is doing? Is He a good God? Should I try to handle this situation now since it doesn’t seem like God is doing anything?”

In the transition period, God desires for us to KNOW His character and heart in a deeper and stronger way.  He wants us to know WHO He really is in every circumstance. He wants us to mature in our understanding of our position in Christ.

So many people want to have His material blessings without becoming people who walk with Him as friends. The true blessing is becoming a people who carry His presence and become blessings on this earth because of their intimacy with Jesus. 

God desires for us to KNOW who we are– people with spiritual inheritance and authority. A people who have a Father who loves them.

God desires for us to KNOW who HE is– A God who loves us unconditionally and HAS PLANS to prosper us and not to harm us.

The unknown season forces us to get to know WHO we are in Christ and WHO He is for US.

So don’t feel burdened or rushed to get to the next season, there are treasures of intimacy in the unknown and waiting season. Feed your soul and spirit with the love of God. Indulge in the love God has for you. Rest in knowing that His grace is enough for you.

“I need you to understand who you are and who I am for you before I open the doors to the next season. Not knowing who you are could cause you to open doors to people and opportunities that will hurt you more than help you. I need you to walk in the Christ given authority you were meant to walk in, you inheritance causes you to walk in true spiritual power”- says the Lord.

365 Days of Rest

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The election is over.

But our lives have just begun. The election sparked a passion within me to make a difference in the world. As the numbers came in I actually started crying, crying turned to weeping and found my soul anguished. Perhaps it was Spirit within me or my personal desire connected to the election. This went deeper than I thought. Perhaps my desire to see a woman become president was a personal desire to see my own life blossom into the impossibilities of humanity. And perhaps it was the last straw for everything I had envisioned for this year.

All of this came into apex of surrender.

I would have to surrender my personal desire and trust that God would protect, empower and push me towards the direction that even I could no longer envision for myself. Because we put too much hope in one person. We thought that maybe the “Right person” could save us, and the truth is we put not only the president on a pedestal, we put “finding the perfect spouse”, “finding the right opportunity”, breaking our personal goals on a pedestal, but all of that is fleeting in the light of perfect peace in each moment.

I have been reading 365 Devotions For Finding Rest and it has helped me to find solace in times of turmoil. I find my soul crying out for justice, for peace, for joy, for restoration. I’ve been in months of surrender and rest, saying “no” to things, opportunities, people. Letting the season pass so that the right things and people could enter my current realm.

Asking me to be still is like asking a lion not to run free with strength, but in the stillness I find the ache in my heart heal steadily.