Hmmm how can I say this, it’s been a contemplative month since I’ve come back from traveling. I’m coming into my own and seeing the light in me. It’s brighter than I’ve ever felt it.

I used to go to these fancy events and felt less than, as though I had to prove myself and yesterday I really felt my light shine. I remember this one guy who was so intrigued by my lifestyle, kept asking me questions, which is all good, but you can’t get to know me in a few minutes. The words that came out of my mouth was new, fresh. Because I usually don’t even talk out loud unless I have to, unless I am speaking with purpose.

He asked for my social media following, my blog subscribers, facebook, and yes, I quoted them, hmmm well 1k for instagram isn’t so high…and I said “I’m about quality, not quantity…I’m not here looking for people to approve of me or what I have to say, I know what I have to give to the world is of value, I know who I am”. 

Then I had a conversation with an up and coming rapper about the same thing. I said “you gotta know who you are, you got to have a strong spiritual sense of self before you go out there, you gotta know that your worth does not come from someone in a corporation approving you”. 

In fact, I will say no to working with people who aren’t aligned with MY vision, it’s my life after all.

I’m grateful, beyond words.

One of the best things I’ve done for myself is to forgive myself. But also to forgive the closest people in my life, for a long time it was my dad…for not being there for me. I took the last month of my journey to really spend time with my dad in Taiwan. For the first time in his life, it has snowed in Taiwan. Taiwan also has a new president.

I’m turning 28 on February 11 and it has been a hell of a journey. As I look back on the photos of going to Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, and Taiwan, I am just in awe of the divine connections I’ve made, the lifetime friendships I’ve made.

I am filled with gratitude.

I lived with so much apprehension and fear when I left. There was a huge paycheck that was intended to be used for my trip, that fell through (and there was no way I could chase it down being so far away). I had to let go and trust the process. I left with a very small amount for such a big trip- a trip that meant simply following the spirit and seeing where God would lead me. 

I didn’t have any plans, I knew that I had a few countries in my mind. Vietnam because I love pho. Bali because of Eat Pray and Love. Taiwan because I wanted to spend time with my dad.

But little did I know what the trip would look like….and maybe if I had known I’d never have taken that step. The truth is the whole trip was meant to heal my heart. And I’ll be journeying my whole life, I’ll go where spirit leads me. 

Thailand flew by. Vietnam came and went. I made life time friends. I saw a new friend of mine get hit by a car right in front of my eyes after a late night out. It was such a shock to both of us, she was okay but it really opened my eyes to the fact that travel could be life and death. 

I also made friends that I thought I’d be best friends forever and within the next month, she had become co-dependent to the point I had to unfriend her and cut her off for my own well- being.

Many times I didn’t know where I was going to sleep the night of….it was scary sometimes. Sometimes I would just trust the process, trust that God had something in mind and I can say that after 6 months, God has never lied to me. 

I’ve been stranded on islands, seen God do the most miraculous things through STRANGERS. I’ve met strangers at clubs that basically picked me up from the train station and hosted me the very next day. I was showered with provision.

In Bali, I got into a moped accident, not what I planned yet again. I had feelings for sweethearts, I’ve confronted them, I’ve wept and had breakdowns in front of people I’ve met 3 days ago…leading us to talk deeply about our lives.

I’ve cried an awful lot, but again the journey started years ago…

Years ago, when I tried to put my life together in a neat respectable box and realized that I needed to live in grace instead. That it’s better to vulnerable, it’s better to be authentic, it’s better to be loved than to be strong, it’s better to love than to be perfect. 

I also didn’t think I’d get my belly pierced.

I have so much to share with the world and I’m just waiting for the right time and the right platform which will come at the perfect aligned time.

So I continue to trust, as I see my life unfold into a beautiful painting of love.

In my 27 years of living, I went from hating men to loving them. I went from thinking all men were the same to loving them as individuals, sons of God. 

The first time I really saw men as equal to me was when I made an equally stupid mistake in my own life that I hated some men for. That’s when I realized that I’m human too. I’m the same, humans are all capable of making mistakes. None of us are perfect. 

Anyways- this weekend my dad told me that a relative killed himself because he became jobless and his wife (a mail order bride) said he was useless, like trash because he had no income. 

That drove him to deeper depression and he ended up hanging himself on a tree. 

My dad also vented about how his wife yells at him everyday. 

Yes there probably are just reasons for it but I wonder how relationships are a two way street. 

Men want respect and women want the security of knowing they are loved. 

Women sometimes are unable to get that security and the disrespect happens. It goes both ways. 

But it made me wonder….though feminists are always saying men have not treated women equally…are women treating loving themselves to begin with?  Are we accepting less than, have we remained quiet when injustice happens to us, do we let others step on our boundaries, do we continue to accept the kind of treatment that a man who does not love himself will induce? 

And are the acts of violence that is spewed through words enough to kill a man on the inside? 

So I wonder could we love men by seeing the limitless spirit they are and encouraging them with words? 

Because aren’t we all human? Imperfect? 

And maybe if more women could see the gifts inside men, could we create a cycle of love? Because when men are loved for who they are, maybe their manliness comes out, the hero comes out, the responsible one comes out, the adventurous defender comes out. 

Just maybe. 

Because words are powerful, life changing. 

Choose positive ones. 

Even when you talk to yourself. Encourage your heart.  Because it’s not about blame, but how can we positively change the world? 

Taiwan 

Glam life for me. 

1. Today I found a piercing studio and I’m going to get my nose pierced after my sniffling goes away. 

2. You know that song I don’t fuck with you? I’m not fucking with any bs or any bs that does not involve me, thank you very much. I’d rather watch a movie than listen to you weep over something you didn’t listen to my initial advice about. Oh and also if you’re asking me for advice and we are not friends, I offer coaching as a service, and it’s not free yo. 

3. Peace over drama 

4. Everything high end follows me

5. Grace and rest, no striving for me. If it doesn’t come to me, it’s not worth my time. 

6. Dating wise I am sensing my life partner crossing paths with me this year. 

7. Lots of dancing, laughing and wiggling 

8. Free shit all year 

9. Double portion returned of everything that was taken away from me or owed to me from 2015 

Got these bomb glasses done in 30 minutes – taiwan is the shit 

  
You should look in the mirror and say I’m hot as fuck. 

Taipei city    

A breakthrough is a transformation in the mind. And in many ways I had reached breakthrough in my thinking when I sat there listening to TD Jakes talk about how his car broke down and how he was hopping over fences to teach about faith to 7 people. Now he preaches to millions. How he could barely keep the gas or electricity on, how his car got repossessed. 

I cried. 

I’ve been there, this year in many ways was my transformative year. 

In my almost 5 years of being self employed, I often found myself tired of hustling, tired of being self sufficient, tired of chasing clients; tired of striving. I realized that I was still fearing this- 

That there wouldn’t be enough for me, that God wanted me to suffer. 

I realize when everything came crashing down that all God cared about was my heart. 

I took several months of non-striving to take care of a heart that needed to heal. After a breakup, I set myself into work mode and everything seemed okay on the outside. Everyone thought I was the positive person on the outside, but I was broken on the inside.

I kept trying to cram a square shape into a heart mold. I said if only my career and finance is stable and successful enough, then I’ll take care of my heart.

It never works that way. Everything always grows from the inside out. Beliefs. About yourself and the world. Beliefs of your worth. 

I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life that I can say nothing can determine my worth but the everlasting stable love of God for me, unchanging, never dependent on what I do or don’t do. 

I’ve been stranded on an island with no money and Miracles have happened. I’ve given up careers to follow my dream and had disappointment in my heart for years, I’ve tried hard to make things work but it’s when I simply rested in the love of God that I realized, 

I’ve arrived. I’m enough. 

I can rest now, in my heart. And if I died today; I’m seated at the right hand of God. 

No need to prove myself; to achieve; to strive. I’m here now. 

And that’s how God wants me to position myself as he flourishes me; from the inside out, stable; unmovable; sturdy; strong, like a tree that never dies, always flourishing and prospering.  

Sometimes you need to let everything fall to pieces so you can get rid of what didn’t serve you and start new. 

You ask- what if? What’s the worse that can happen? Beauty out of ashes? Phoenix rising from the dust? 

    
  Have you liked my facebook page? 

I’ve kind of settled down a little and am processing a lot of emotions. I’m in taiwan but eventually will go back to LA. I met probably a hundred people or more on the road and heard stories that made my heart sick, sad, angry. 

I saw things that made me cringe and of course things that made my heart soar with delight. 

I’m still processing how I feel. 

I’m sensitive, I find myself wanting to cry, my body hurts from Southeast Asia heat, my heart groans from the aftermath of seeing poverty, greed, lack, grief….seeing darkness and everything in between in the eyes of human beings around the world, made my heart feel unbearable. 

Can I survive this? 

I’ve been harassed on the streets, grabbed at, yelled at, I’ve seen love too, from fellow human beings. 

I am focusing on myself this month. I need to feed my soul. 

Here’s some Taiwanese food-