A breakthrough is a transformation in the mind. And in many ways I had reached breakthrough in my thinking when I sat there listening to TD Jakes talk about how his car broke down and how he was hopping over fences to teach about faith to 7 people. Now he preaches to millions. How he could barely keep the gas or electricity on, how his car got repossessed.
I’ve been there, this year in many ways was my transformative year.
In my almost 5 years of being self employed, I often found myself tired of hustling, tired of being self sufficient, tired of chasing clients; tired of striving. I realized that I was still fearing this-
That there wouldn’t be enough for me, that God wanted me to suffer.
I realize when everything came crashing down that all God cared about was my heart.
I took several months of non-striving to take care of a heart that needed to heal. After a breakup, I set myself into work mode and everything seemed okay on the outside. Everyone thought I was the positive person on the outside, but I was broken on the inside.
I kept trying to cram a square shape into a heart mold. I said if only my career and finance is stable and successful enough, then I’ll take care of my heart.
It never works that way. Everything always grows from the inside out. Beliefs. About yourself and the world. Beliefs of your worth.
I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life that I can say nothing can determine my worth but the everlasting stable love of God for me, unchanging, never dependent on what I do or don’t do.
I’ve been stranded on an island with no money and Miracles have happened. I’ve given up careers to follow my dream and had disappointment in my heart for years, I’ve tried hard to make things work but it’s when I simply rested in the love of God that I realized,
I’ve arrived. I’m enough.
I can rest now, in my heart. And if I died today; I’m seated at the right hand of God.
No need to prove myself; to achieve; to strive. I’m here now.
And that’s how God wants me to position myself as he flourishes me; from the inside out, stable; unmovable; sturdy; strong, like a tree that never dies, always flourishing and prospering.
Sometimes you need to let everything fall to pieces so you can get rid of what didn’t serve you and start new.
You ask- what if? What’s the worse that can happen? Beauty out of ashes? Phoenix rising from the dust?