I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!

 

Progress Equals Happiness

It is ridiculously MIND-BLOWING to see that my hardships and struggles have become the very gift within me….to bless the world. Most of you…in the past year may have read my depressing, crazy, intense blog posts. A lot of them had to do with surviving my year of self employment. There are some facets of my life that are pretty similar from a year ago.

The one difference in my life- accepting the fact that I was called for a greater purpose of being an entrepreneur and future American Coach (me on the stage with thousands of people listening to my story). Sometimes when we FIGHT our callings, or when we rebel and fight the very thing that we are called to do…it can add much friction in our lives. 

What is ONE THING that I see many people do?

Fight the very thing they love. Isn’t that ironic? The very thing you love to do and are called to do…you deny until it’s a starved lover. Like many desires in our lives, with much denial comes much dying in our hearts.

 Thus….Choose your love and choose to fight for it. After awhile, your passion becomes your life. Life becomes a passionate living. And then…..

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I’ll fly here….to places like the beaches of Thailand and look back. IT WAS ALL WORTH pursuing my passion. Because I have the free time and money to fly whenever I want. I hope you’ll join me too.

Business Journey Not Only To the East, But Into Peoples’ Business

“Product Description

With the rapid shift in global economic power, many Western companies are jumping onto the bandwagon towards Asia, lured by the rich returns that the region can potentially provide. However, many are ill prepared for the cultural challenges, many are too impatient and prescribed in their market entry strategies and many struggle with the possibility that there is an alternative Asian approach to business. Their success rate is very poor: early failure leads to frustration and stagnation.

But what if there were a faster way to appreciate the new Asia, to understand better how Asians strategize and practice business? How could companies avoid the many pitfalls and accelerate their learning curves? What could make them sit up and realize that a fresh business approach to Asia, combining the best of East and West, could substantially increase their success rate?

Professor Chow-Hou Wee and Fred Combe share their combined academic and real world wisdom in an East-meets-West collaboration. In this book, they blend the practical, cultural, and historical realities of doing business in Asia with anecdotes and refreshing insights from great Asian influencers as well as the works of Chinese philosophers and strategists, notably, Sun Zi Bingfa, the most well known Chinese military treatise in the world.

Throughout the book, the authors explore why Asians and Westerners think and operate differently, examine how the West needs to urgently reappraise its role in Asia and propose that the West adopt a new business approach that combines Asian and Western strategy.”

Culture doesn’t matter- think again. I love this book…not because I finished it, but because it talks about the roots of how Chinese people do business, and it goes WAY BACK in history. This really interests me, BIG TIME. I seriously thank my Lord for making me how I am, because somehow I’m able to understand both. I was sitting there eating with friends and had this weird feeling, oh yah, huh- im like the only Asian here. As much as we don’t want to label ourselves, it is what it is. And the best thing is- to be okay with it. Tis I am. I have the habit of analyzing peoples’ expressions, speech, and culture.

Usually this goes through my mind:

“oh she’s feeling uncomfortable because she has no idea what that term means”

“now, she feels awkward because she doesn’t want her to feel ignorant….so she is suppressing her negative awe”

“he probably feels left out, he is sitting there just watching”

“he is quite introverted, probably processing what is going on”

“I have no idea why I am thinking all this, let me wake up and get back into the conversation”

Yes. The most awkward times in my life is when I KNOW that people are insecure and all are trying to be people they ARE NOT. It creeps me out so much, I hate when I fake myself. I don’t feel right because I am outside my skin. That’s why, I prefer to be silent if people are trying too hard. I just watch and observe- which makes people uncomfortable too because then they ask me, “why are you so quiet”. In my german ways, I almost want to scream “because you guys are idiots and trying too hard to impress each other, and it’s stupid”. And I don’t want to be here- the end.

Haha. But no, seriously. Trying to be someone else is tiring, so silence is golden in those situations. For reals.

But anyways, yes, this book is incredible and I must buy it instead of reading it at Borders.