You Are Worthy of Love

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Dear Dad,

I felt God say to write a letter to you.

It’s very hard to understand that your heart is for me or that you even love me when we basically have no communication.

Communication is my heart language, besides physical affection.

It’s hard to understand when someone rejects you. I’ve been dealing with feeling unwanted my whole life, so I didn’t put myself in front of many opportunities or even love itself. Friendships, desires for relationships.

There were two instances where I felt rejected by men. One guy I really liked but since at one point he just wanted to be friends, he rejected my hug. I felt rejected and unwanted. Now after that he said he wanted to be alone and he never picked up my calls or texts. But God kept telling me to express how I felt so I did.

It was difficult not getting a response. I persevered and then eventually the desire waned after I did my fare share of reaching out. Eventually I met someone else. Now this was another growth lesson.

God has always told me to not be afraid of rejection. So I keep putting my heart out there even though it hurts.

This one has a kid and a fair share of past drama. To which, I thought, you know what let me not get involved. But for some reason God kept telling me to follow my heart and as much as I was afraid of a possible end, I pursued it knowing God had breakthroughs for me. 

I remember someone prophesying over me that I was going up a hill and a mountain, but that it would be worth it.

This year God has been preparing me for marriage and He has been doing it through getting to know people I go on dates with. The lessons are beyond plentiful.

Showing me peoples’ experiences through marriage, cheating, just like you did, you cheated, but maybe you had your reasons.

I followed my heart and I’ve cried plenty of times. I realize that it has worked out my muscles, my heart. Because I wanted to deny my emotions for a long time. I wanted to not feel, because I thought pain was so awful. Now I realize pain is a gift. Pain allows you to process your fears.

I was afraid of getting hurt.

I felt unwanted when I couldn’t get what I wanted, I felt rejected- but when I cried because of that pain, I felt a release of fear. 

When I was able to express my fears openly and honestly, then cry in front of a man, I felt loved. Because I was transparent and naked emotionally. 

God always sends men who seem shut down and emotionally unavailable, like you dad.

But for some reason when I am able to show my emotions and have breakthroughs I realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s about me being able to feel.

Even if you never reciprocate, as long as I can feel, I’m okay.

Because this is my life, and I have to be okay with my emotions, I have to express love and love myself by embracing my emotions.

I’m open now.

It’s so good to be alive.

I don’t always have to laugh or be happy in front of people, I can be vulnerable.

I feel amazing today. I feel at rest having cried. I feel peaceful. I can have what I want, my presence in the moment.

I kept running from my emotions not realizing my emotion is the best gift. I embrace every emotion I have and I freely release them in the moment.

you are worthy of love signage on brown wooden post taken
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

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I wish someone taught me dating is not about getting to the end goal but realizing and healing from the wounds that need to be healed before you meet the one. So instead of the end goal of meeting the one….it’s about reflecting on the cross section of issues that you have and what that other person has. And experiencing breakthrough and healing through those conversations, conflicts, emotions.

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