I kid you not, on top of the entrance of this little Japanese Ramen Restaurant in Little Tokyo, LA, I FOUND AND DISCOVERED two treasures. My favorite toy of all time would be Kewpie! 🙂 And of course Blythe dolls.

I just heard fireworks…but it is not July 4th, it is July 5th for goodness sake! People! Yesterday I slept like a log despite the noisy bombs (fireworks) that were going off.  I dreamt the whole night. I can’t remember what exactly, but one was me being a teacher, to many, hundreds even. My memory has been escaping me lately, at a young age of 21.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain…when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving joy”. Such deep words that I read from a book a friend gave me. To me, I think of the suffering Jesus had to go through for the love of the world, for me. Indeed, I cannot appreciate joy if I have not sorrow. I always think of my one mentor, her eyes, penetrating me when speaking to me, are filled with sorrow. Yet, it is from her deep sorrow, that she is able to love self-lessly.

I can’t say I’m a writer, but I can say that God writes these epiphanies through me.  I cannot but describe the hurt of betrayal and pain. It is like rocks weighing you down, dragging you under the ocean and suffocating your very being. It is like skin being burned off or your hair being plucked one by one. These I have not experienced, but I can say I’ve burned my skin before with hot boiling water. Many times I have felt left behind, abandoned. These are sorrows I only bring up when people ask. The spirit leads in ways I cannot fathom, but that is my life- full of both sorrow and joy.

It is difficult for me to reveal my whole heart on a public blog, for it is mere words on a screen. But I long to impart these truths through person. So that He can speak freely through me. One day I want to write a book 🙂

Inspire- Run (A poem inspired by a plane flying in the blue night sky while running)

Looking at the skies, where the future lies

I couldn’t help but want to fly

In this instance I know I must die

To the self that inhibits me from visions

that only derives from collisions

of You and me.

And to think that You, the King of all Kings, the Creator of time

Could it be all a pantomime?

From what passions you stored since I was just nine,

Maybe it’s time for me to step over the line

of complacency and society

I know I ain’t got the ability

I was not born into nobility

Neither was I equipped with sincerity

But my heart keeps beating, keeps breaking

for the things that keeps God’s heart aching

I think it’s time to stop faking

My life is here for Your taking

Open arms, open eyes, open heart

Crucified with You, this is a piece of Art

Thank you for giving me, One passion, One love, One hope.

There’s no mistaken, that my God is freaken Dope.

Written by: Rebekka Lien

Talent Show- TOMORROW NIGHT!! COME!

When: 7:30 pm tomorrow Friday

Where: Mandarin Baptist Church of Pasadena (501 n. Santa Anita Arcadia)

Why: Raise scholarships for college students and to appreciate the multi- talented folks out there (including me 🙂 awwww thanks!!…LOL)

Even as I write this, I am smiling to myself. Those moments I realize how much I have invested and worked on a project or “event”, I am so proud of my little babies (projects/ events).  Seeing an event come to fruition, seeing people love the shows, seeing and meeting people I love, gosh how else can life be good?  Of course, I am always praying that none of my self- loved ness will become my identity.  I don’t want to base my identity on my accomplishments, but on who I am in Christ – ALWAYS.  I am loved even if I do nothing NOTHING.

As I write this, I smile widely to myself.  SCHOOL IS OUT. I am forever not a junior in college no more.  I am a senior now. This will be my last year in college. Forever MORE!  Of course, I don’t want to think of grad school.  I kept jumping up and down screaming in the middle of downtown LA.  I will have a whole summer to do what?  🙂 Possibilities are simply endless.

I don’t know what the next chapter in my life will bring, maybe tears and maybe laughters.  Many of my close friends are experiencing the same- seeing people get married, give birth, move away, stay, live, laugh, learn.  When do we ever have time to reflect on these beautiful moments in life?  Can my friend and I running with rolly backpacks across downtown LA at night, screaming and laughing our heads off be one of those moments?  Will I ever recapture them?  Or maybe in eternity, we will reflect but look forward.  Life is life, life is love, life is amazing. So unendingly fruitful, joyful, soulful, intense.  I miss those endless times, typing on my xanga blog, which no one reads…yet I still blog those intimate and personal moments of soulful pain and suffering.

Some things I experienced this year: (some are firsts)

1. Endless presentations, reports, essays

2. Awesome times with classmates, laughing about boy drama, food, exams

3. Seeing my fashion design on a small runway- but still seen and loved by many (Thanks friends for coming…that was an epic night for me, life changing and somehow revealed to me what my life could possibly be)

4. Freelancing in costume design 🙂 SWEET and I LOVE IT!

5. Going to ENDLESS interviews, scurrying, running to stores to pick up hosiery, garment bags, last minute sketches, finding parking…oh my interview stories are ENDLESS

6. Prayer/ Bible group with fellow soul sisters- calling each other in the middle of the night, eating fatty foods, dancing, crying in despair, yet with hope

7. Crying over not getting my dream job- but realizing, it wasn’t for me. Oh how in brokenness we find perfection.

8. Many more weddings attended, friends goodbyes, baby births, and for me? Growing up and taking care of myself…and many others as well.

9. Recording cello for an indie film!

10. I can go on forever, I don’t remember what exactly I went through. But every day, every week, every month- there were always DRASTIC changes, HUGE drastic changes.  I never had a “free weekend”, though I seriously miss sitting down and reading a good book.  Oh yes, I went to SO many parties! Endless birthday parties, weddings…rejections and acceptances, friendships with young and old, mentors, mentees, wow. life. is freaken. OFF THE HOOK amazing. I guess, I can say…I like to be the life of the party.  But really, how I like to relaxe?  I like to take a walk in the park, sit on a lounge chair and soak in the sun, or walk up and down the beach with a friend.

That’s me. That’s that. THATS THE END OF SCHOOL!!! Beckon me to a summer of change. I’ll be going to Arizona for 7 days, Europe for 3 weeks, and 4 weeks to kick off my hip hop/ pilates classes…as well as, God willing, work at a boba store. Yes, that’s my one “want to tries”.

Good night all.  I will try to get some sleep in my excitement for summer cometh.

A picture from the photo shoot in April from Solace Arts.

Link For Facebook Album: Fashion Show Pictures

TONIGHT WAS SO OOFFFF THE HOOK.  Seriously, I realize that success, to me- is enjoying life, enjoying what  you love to do and enjoying with your loved ones.  Because without all my friends and family, that were there with me through the tough times of life (and happy times), life wouldn’t be what it is to me now.  LIFE is so amazing, I seriously thank God.  More than the success of making it big or making money, I am SO WEALTHY IN LOVE.  I AM SO WEALTHY to have loved ones, to have supporters rooting for me every step of the way.  Thinking about it makes me cry.  If I was to be a famous designer and have no one to cry and laugh with- what am I but a poor person?  Yes, I am so wealthy.

Thank you all for making tonight what it was.  Sometimes I wish the euphoria can last forever, in my mind, I think that’s what heaven will be like.  Lots of dancing, wooting, laughing, rejoicing….of course minus the heat and sweating (dang was it hot tonight).  Nope, no clouds and angels and harp, but off the hook music, raving and partaying!   And just lots of love.

Thank you all friends and family, models, designers, and staffers 🙂  Tonight I will sleep soundly praying for ya’ll to have joy forever.  Lots of pictures to come- I will probably upload them on Facebook first!

As I was driving home one night, I heard this song on the radio.  For some reason, it really spoke to me.  Airports are a common theme, thing in my life.  I have experienced much pain and happiness in airports.  Goodbyes and hellos.  These are my memories.  But once I get on the plane, I am hyped for the next stage in my life…often, I have a period of mourning after realization hits.  But more than anything, I like this song because I am often looking for adventure and in the stage of looking for adventure, I leave.  So why the heck do I do that?  I don’t know, somehow the pain makes me realize how much I have been loved and love others.  That is good right?  More than anything, I know God is always waiting as we find ourselves.  He is waiting, faithfully, as my heart wanders to the lesser things of life.  Alas!  Fashion SHOW TODAY!

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you’re becoming someone else
Don’t recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you’re leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i’m here
Whenever you need me
I’ll wait for you

So i’ll let you go
I’ll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I’ll keep your things right where you left them
I’ll be here for you

Oh and i’ll let you go
I’ll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I’ll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can’t get close if your not there
I can’t get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can’t fix you i can’t save you
Its something you have to do

The capacity to love, to feel hurt.

Driving past palm trees, swaying, underneath seeming happy sun.

I get so weak.  I get so overwhelmed, silent in my thoughts.  I get swallowed by pain, suffering, staring out, staring out silently.

Wondering, do you think about such things?

Or am I the only one…besides the superficial, skimming the surface, is there anyone out there, is there anyone?  Is there anyone pondering the deep suffering of life.  or do we go about each day, living clueless and pointless lives.  Life unexamined.  Am I the only one?

She said “mucho kalio”, very hot.  I smiled.  She had wrinkles all over her face, but a resilient and calm smile.  I repeated it back.  She is precious in God’s eyes.

He said “everyone judge me…they see my tatoos and walk away”.  Tatoos crawling up his arm, to his neck, all the way to his shaved head.  Maybe they can see sorrow in my eyes.  I see yours.  You have a kid, you are a single father, still going to school, you are trying hard to make a better living.  You just want to be accepted.  God accepts you.

She is a teacher, she lives alone here in LA.  Everytime I see her, she has two full bags of stuff.  She told me, “you look different…more mature”.  I said, “I look old?”  “No, no…like something inside is shining out”.  It is Christ in me.

I’m so sick and tired of fake living.  Someone come and agree with me- life is more than making it, making it by.  I hate surface living, someone agree?

Escaping, running and thinking to myself.  Playing music.  My mouth is shut, sewed shut.  Silence won’t do.  It won’t.  I’m screaming inside.  Someone agree with me… and maybe then I can tear this seam apart.  Does anyone feel the same?

Once upon a time, a girl grew up raising herself.

Her mom was out working, she alone, hugging a bear.

She was very lonely, but she named her white polar bear- “mommy”.

She would hug her bear and say “mommy”.  As lonely as she was,

she fought for herself, she grew to be independent, she depended on herself.  But she was still lonely.  Her creator saw that she was lonely so He gave her a new heart- she finally found true love.  Even at times, she is reminded of how lonely she used to be- playing under a table, running out to grocery stores, listening to the cat meow outside her room.  She squished a bee, dead, buried it too.  But that was the past.

He gave her a gift, she held on tight, remembering the bear.  Maybe that’s why gifts mean so much to her- a reminder of the only thing that kept her sane in dark loneliness. A symbol of love.  But now she is sane, she is loved.  Now she is ready to lay down her own life so others can find true love.  She wants to share this love.  Holding on, holding on, a reminder, a reminder.  It’s okay mommy, stroking the bear, she wants to cry with mommy because mommy feels the same pain.  Remember your creator, remember Love.

The girl was actually me.  A true story so real, the pain a deep root within, it hurts to speak, so she sewed her heart shut.  Tears were unavoidable, but she cried in her closet, her eyes grew big from crying.  She didn’t understand why she saw judgemental glances, all she could do was pray.  People say Jesus is fake, is a laughable religious figure.  You must be blind, because in my closet crying, I met Jesus- the only one that comforted me when all mocked me.  Me and my unique self.  Now I am whole, now I am loved, I go after the one who went before me.  I go- I am going.

3 years ago, coming back from Taiwan.  The skies are not my limits, the heavens are.

I am so tired, I want to cry.  These are the inner cryings of those that look strong.   Lord help me.  I am so weary even sleep deprives me.  I wake up early and just call out.  A silent call.  God refresh me.  Sometimes I doubt where I’m heading.  There’s many passions boiling within me, I am planning to move.  I don’t know if I’m escaping, but I’m antsy, so antsy.  In five years, I might be in grad school or working or vice versa.  I might be overseas in Taiwan, I might be translating for a company, I might be writing for magazines,  I might be a fashion consultant, I might be musician in an underground network of musicians.  I might be living off of freelance money.  In 20 years, I can see myself in another country, I am 41, I have a business, I am mother, I am in a band, I speak  3 languages, one that took me 2 years to learn, hopefully.  I might have 3 kids, they are trilingual and they have many many opportunities to attend concerts, art shows, and I’ll take them graffiting.  Of course, I’ll have a husband too.  He is very supportive, understands my work, but is more logical.  I don’t think I’m called to be single- Tim Lewis said so.

I am in Japan, I am in Taiwan, I am in Asia, in Europe, I am networking with fellow artists, I am encouraging them and empowering them with the hope in me.  But I can see that one part of my life, I can be in Thailand, Vietnam, & India helping to build micro- businesses.  I will be a god- mother- like figure for tons of at- risk youth, I will cry and laugh with them.  Those are some of my dreams.  There will be many times of pain and suffering because love is risky, especially loving those that don’t know they desire to be loved.  But it’s all worth it.  Doors will open, doors to places and opportunities I never thought existed.  I can already sense it- I am not a prophet, but I know and have seen.

I don’t know why I started crying when I wrote about the god- mother- like figure.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been so moody lately, too much boiling within.  I rarely get the chance to voice them, sometimes I just wish people would ask me simple questions like “How’s work?  How’s school?  Do you like your classes?  What new music have you been listening to?” because I can answer them, I want to, I want to talk….I’m so sick of listening.  What about me God?

I am heavily influenced by classical, jazz, bossa nova, hip hop, R&B as well anything in between. Mix it up and you got…how I improv on the piano and cello or even sing. A lot of times people will ask me to teach them how to improv, I have never learned formal music theory. My mom is a piano teacher, but after awhile I was pretty much on my own.

I played Chopin, Debussy, all those classical composers.  As I was growing up though, I listened to a lot of Japanese music including the likes of Utada Hikaru.  Moving several times exposed me to hip hop, rock, and at one point heavy metal.  Yes, I know.  I tried to listen to heavy metal and even liked it at one point.  Mix in my love for art- especially abstract and modern and you got an experimental vibe.

I think if I could, if chances allowed me to, given the right people…I would so want to get buckets of paint, strings, drums, singers, dancers and compose something great on a huge huge field of flower bed.  I can imagine the world shaking as we create, I think at that point my life would be fulfilled.

And I can enter eternity.

Some videos to give you an idea of the influence of music and art in my life and how it has transformed my artistic style.

More to come!