This is a young man I ministered to and bumped into again on the train. The Lord told me to go to the beach and this man was also going there, but he was going to a shelter to shower because he did not feel safe to go home to a military christian home where there were many rules. I asked if he ever talked to his parents about how he felt and he said no, usually he just isolates himself. I said that he was worthy of love and he thanked me. I find that many young people turn to drugs because they feel condemned and not enough because of their parents’ rules and regulations. They need to know they are loved and not condemned.
I told my mom yesterday….a relationship isn’t about rules but communicating how you feel.
I was emotionally constipated for 4 days. It is rare for me not to cry everyday recently. Even when I pray sometimes I start crying.
But I couldn’t cry.
My mom was yelling at me and telling me I was crazy, she didn’t believe I was hearing God and she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or a doctor.
I asked her “is this my water bottle?”
She said “how would I know? I never drink from water bottles!” She yelled. She starts yelling and I have no idea why. She’s probably stressed about something else but I have no idea what. She won’t talk about her emotions or feelings so I get the end of that.
I feel like the walking dead, I feel like a zombie. I don’t understand how a mother can be like that.
I feel dead inside, and suddenly I hear “I want to die”. I start casting out a spirit of death. I need to get out the house.
I get in the car and drive. I call my friend and ask her to encourage me. She says “God loves you, you are beautiful, people love you” and that’s when I break down in tears after 4 days.
I felt unwanted, that’s why. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong to my mom. I felt like I was not enough and wasn’t doing enough.
I remember “yes I’m doing enough and I am enough”.
I said through my tears “when she yells at me I feel unwanted and unloved”.
Again, I had a dream about a phone being lost or broken, it usually has to do with communication. So I wake up with this feeling in my heart.
God tells me to tell her how I feel and I do, but it’s met with the same response of blame or shame.
She wants to hide from her emotions, she wants to run and not feel and the best way for her to do that is to stay busy. Yet her knees hurt.
So when will you stop running and just feel the emotions?
God loves you, He will never leave nor forsake you.
I grew up feeling blamed and shunned for problems that were not my own so I would people please or mommy please because I thought it was my fault that they were angry, not realizing it had nothing to do with me.
It’s taken a long journey of learning to speak my mind even when it doesn’t feel safe.
You are safe with me, says God.
Come to me and cast your cares on me. You are safe here with me.
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