Overcoming Abuse

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This is a young man I ministered to and bumped into again on the train. The Lord told me to go to the beach and this man was also going there, but he was going to a shelter to shower because he did not feel safe to go home to a military christian home where there were many rules. I asked if he ever talked to his parents about how he felt and he said no, usually he just isolates himself. I said that he was worthy of love and he thanked me. I find that many young people turn to drugs because they feel condemned and not enough because of their parents’ rules and regulations. They need to know they are loved and not condemned.

I told my mom yesterday….a relationship isn’t about rules but communicating how you feel. 

I was emotionally constipated for 4 days. It is rare for me not to cry everyday recently. Even when I pray sometimes I start crying.

But I couldn’t cry.

My mom was yelling at me and telling me I was crazy, she didn’t believe I was hearing God and she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or a doctor.

I asked her “is this my water bottle?”

She said “how would I know? I never drink from water bottles!” She yelled. She starts yelling and I have no idea why. She’s probably stressed about something else but I have no idea what. She won’t talk about her emotions or feelings so I get the end of that.

I feel like the walking dead, I feel like a zombie. I don’t understand how a mother can be like that.

I feel dead inside, and suddenly I hear “I want to die”. I start casting out a spirit of death. I need to get out the house.

I get in the car and drive. I call my friend and ask her to encourage me. She says “God loves you, you are beautiful, people love you” and that’s when I break down in tears after 4 days. 

I felt unwanted, that’s why. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong to my mom. I felt like I was not enough and wasn’t doing enough.

I remember “yes I’m doing enough and I am enough”.

I said through my tears “when she yells at me I feel unwanted and unloved”.

Again, I had a dream about a phone being lost or broken, it usually has to do with communication. So I wake up with this feeling in my heart.

God tells me to tell her how I feel and I do, but it’s met with the same response of blame or shame. 

She wants to hide from her emotions, she wants to run and not feel and the best way for her to do that is to stay busy. Yet her knees hurt.

So when will you stop running and just feel the emotions?

God loves you, He will never leave nor forsake you.

I grew up feeling blamed and shunned for problems that were not my own so I would people please or mommy please because I thought it was my fault that they were angry, not realizing it had nothing to do with me. 

It’s taken a long journey of learning to speak my mind even when it doesn’t feel safe.

You are safe with me, says God. 

Come to me and cast your cares on me. You are safe here with me. 

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Absent Father- God Adopted Me When My Father Left Us

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There are days where I slip into emotional darkness, for a minute I can feel the darkness.

But in that moment, God speaks to me. It breaks the darkness. All the lies go away.

These emotional darkness comes when I feel sad that my dad doesn’t talk to me. I start focusing on that, and I feel like I am lacking (he lives in Taiwan and I live in America, my parents divorced when I was 8 years old so I didn’t see him for 10 years and he doesn’t really talk to me. I fly to Taiwan to reach out to him. It’s for me, it’s not for him. It’s for me to heal, not necessarily for him. But the pain is real when I open up, and he doesn’t).

The lies that are attached to that are many- it’s my fault he doesn’t talk to me, I am not enough, I am less than, I need to do more.

The Lies- If I just do more, achieve more- people would see I’m worth loving, they would show love to me. If just look more beautiful, skinnier, they would notice me. If I just speak louder, they’d notice me. If I change who I am, they’d accept me.

I’ve tried everything before myself but realize that I was loved for who I wasn’t. It was never enough, it was exhausting. I realized I needed to just accept myself as I am in Christ, that He made me whole via the cross.

I was complaining to God, I feel like I don’t always want to be the one to ask people for donations, I want people to give without being asked.

Yesterday I was at a restaurant and felt led to sit at the bar and there was a handsome sushi chef. We talked a bit. He left for break, and I was wondering where he went. He came back once and then left again. I waited because I wanted to tell him he was handsome, but he didn’t come back. I felt foolish for being brave. 

But as I was explaining the scenario to my friend I suddenly realized that is how I feel with my dad. I am constantly brave. Last year the Lord told me to go to Taiwan, and I literally told my dad to pick me up from the airport the day before. I had been messaging him for 7 months with no reply. That’s when he finally responded. Yes, he would pick me up. 

Imagine, so messed up right?

But God I’m not brave anymore and I don’t want to be. It’s not fair. It’s unfair.

I get angry when people suggest that I reach out to him. I’ve been reaching out to him my whole life.

Don’t you think it’s a little unfair to push the responsibility on a kid? 

God I’ve gone around this mountain long enough and this is what you said.

“You’re not waiting for your dad to love you, you’ve always been enough, you’ve always had enough love. I have always been enough love for you.

The devil always makes you think you are lacking love, affection, but you actually have enough and you are enough.

If you look to people, it’ll never be enough. I am enough for you.”

Yes.

I am enough.

Humans can never give you the love that you need to feel like you are enough, but Jesus died on the cross for you to be enough. He took on every blemish on the cross to make you whole.

He says “you are my daughter, son. You are enough. Come to me and cast all your cares on me”. 

It’s not your fault they left. It’s not your fault that they betrayed you. It’s not your fault that they chose not to love you.

God told me to tell my dad how I felt so I did, was it easy? No. I just wrote him. Have no idea if he will read it.

If you grew up with an absent or abusive father, I pray the Lord heal your heart. Psalm 68:5 says, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows, is God in his holy habitation.” 

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You Are Enough – The Message of The Cross

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I realized this morning that I’m scared of happiness. I’m scared to be happy.

All my life I lived in the shadows of a broken home and unworthiness seemed to follow me wherever I went.

I started to see my worth when I understood grace, a finished work that required no work of my own but that Jesus finished the work for me.

Yet when I see a happy couple or family, my heart is doubtful.

I want to find flaws and I want to know they’ve struggled, I want to see brokenness, I want to know I’m not the only one who has struggled or is struggling.

At the same time I don’t want my pessimism to touch them, to infect their happiness.

I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

I deserve happiness and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have.

I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

Growing up I felt like God owed me a great deal for the way I grew up. I was always fighting to survive. There was always a conflict, a struggle, a battle and I often felt restless.

I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unable to feel like myself in this world.

Just receive, sometimes it’s easier to give than to receive. Because to receive you must believe you are worthy of it. 

But when you feel unworthy, you’ll refuse the help.

Sometimes we’re afraid to give because we’re afraid we will lack or not have enough.

Both comes from a fear of lack.

But in Christ we are whole and not lacking and only in loving can we understand grace, that it is all sufficient and not lacking.

Your worth isn’t in how you grew up, what situation or circumstance you are in now. Your worth is in being a child of God, knowing Jesus died for you to make you whole.

They don’t have more than you do- the ones you think have more financially, relationally, etc.

You have everything you need to do what you need to do.

My friend told me she felt depressed as she is unmarried, broke and traveling but the truth is she has everything that she needs- Jesus.

Even though I’m living in a beautiful house, I am a beautiful house.

I am the beautiful car, I am the delicious food, I am a happily married couple.

I am everything that I could ever want.

That is wholeness…realizing you are enough and you are not lacking.

You might be divorced, without income, childless, unmarried, but you are not less than those with a happy family.

God died for you in whatever circumstance you’re in and he made you pure as snow, whole, not lacking. 

He filled every imperfection, discrepancy, every hole, every feeling of lack and said you are complete.

You are not complete when you have more, you are not complete when your bills are paid, you are not complete when you get married, you are not complete when your kids are grown, you are not complete when you’re disease free- you are complete and whole NOW because of the BLOOD OF JESUS.

The danger in accruing blessings is that we start to think our worth is based on what we have when the truth is our worth comes from the finished work of Jesus.

You are blessed when your parents disapprove or approve of you.

You are blessed when you are in need or not in need.

You are blessed with or without a husband/wife.

You are blessed whether you are in the greatest or worst shape of your life.

You are blessed whether you have debt or not.

You are blessed because of the blood of Jesus. In the Spirit al is finished. That is our true identity as Kings and Queens.

We need to see people for who they really are. We call and prophesy people into who they really are- not by taking pity.

Even if you never preach like TD Jakes- you are whole and enough.

Even if your ministry never becomes as big as Hillsong, you are enough.

Even if no one knows or recognizes you for your service to God and people,  you are enough.

Even if you don’t write a book, you are enough.

Even if you are a backstage person and the lime light never shines on you, you are enough.

Even if no church affirms or approves of what God put on the inside of you, you are enough.

God will use the unexpected people to show His power because it’s not by might or flesh, but by the power of the Spirit. So if you are young or old, you feel like a failure, you feel like your life has fallen apart and you feel ashamed of your past- know that God’s power is most mighty in the ones who have no power of their own, no ability of their own. We have to get back to being a child of God, being unable on our own, being fully reliant on Jesus our savior. 

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. 

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The Grass Is Always Green On God’s Side- You Are Enough.

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The enemy of our soul often makes us feel like we are lacking, like life will be better “WHEN___________ (this happens)”. Whatever this is.

When I buy a new car, I’ll be happier.

When I buy that dress, I’ll be happier.

When my husband comes, I’ll be happier.

When money comes, I’ll be happier.

When I retire, I’ll be happier.

When I get to this or that country, when I travel, I’ll be happier.

All of those mindsets are actually based on the spirit of lack, not abundance. 

You already have what you need to do what you need to do, or even want to do.

When you realize your identity in Christ Jesus, you live from a spirit of “enough”. I am enough because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am not lacking.

Your bills might be late, you might have debt in the human realm, your husband or wife might be mad at you, your children might be out there somewhere and you have no control over them (rightly so), you might have acne on your face, you might have a layer of fat on your stomach, you might have high cholesterol, but in Christ you are whole.

So how do we live in that wholeness?

Because we live in a world that is imperfect and there always seems to be some kind of problem – such as my phone that is dead and resurrected a few times, a black hole in the center of the screen, cracked screen. Life can be frustrating.

And I found myself feeling uneven. God I’m doing all this for you, I layed down my life for you, and this is what I get?

I get a half working phone, fear of lack, and mean spirited people? I get noises all night preventing me from sleeping throughout the night?

I found myself wanting to cry and even wanting to die at times.

That’s the truth, it was so fierce.

Then I realize it was spiritual warfare.

This is the enemy lying to me-  “you are not enough, you don’t have what it takes, God is not enough for you, you need to stop doing God’s work and go home, just live a normal life will you? Look, God is not providing for you. Look, others get to have some luxurious life but you are living in an 8 bed dorm with people snoring, phones going off in the middle of the night, people who don’t respect you….it’s endless isn’t it? Is this even worth it? Doing God’s work, touching lives?”

I was bombarded with lies, with attacks, thoughts that drove me to the wall. 

These distractions, even the noises, the tv playing in the middle of the night made me crazy. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and going outside saying to the people talking “will you quiet down because I can hear you inside” to taking off the freaken wind chime off the wall and telling someone to lower the volume on the TV.

Those noises were symbolic of the noises (lies) of the enemy.

This morning a light bulb went off.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are not lacking. I started counting every blessing and thanking God for everything. God thank you for the hair on my head, thank you for functioning legs and feet, thank you for the breathe in my lungs, thank you for my hands that can type this blog post. Thank you God that I’ve been able to survive and I’ve been to more countries than most people.

Thank you God that I didn’t get robbed. Thank you God you kept me safe in all these countries. Thank you God that no one attacked me physically. Thank you Lord.

Then I realize that the enemy OFTEN WANTS US TO FOCUS ON WHAT WE DON’T HAVE right now. He wants us to focus on lack so that we would not live in our true identity as sons and daughters of God. 

But even if you have nothing on your back and no wallet or bank account, you are rich in Christ Jesus. Jesus paid to have you as His son or daughter and you are royalty. This identity is not dependent on the clothes you wear, the house you live in, if you have a car or not. It’s not dependent on your new or no phone. Your identity is not dependent on what others think of you….

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YOU ARE A CHILD of God and this identity is unshakable, immovable. 

I might not be able to take photos most of the time with my half working phone, there might be a black dot on the screen and the right side looks like the terminator.

I might be living in an 8 bed dorm with tv blasting at all times during the day. I might have a little carry on and not enough “pretty” clothes. I might be wearing a $5 shirt from Japan, and socks for $1. I might have a non-flat stomach and sometimes I notice some fat on my chin.

I might be annoyed and uncomfortable, but I am enough in Christ Jesus.

I might not always know how I will continue, I might not know where the money is coming from, but I am enough in Christ Jesus and He is enough for me.

God is my Good Father and He knows your needs. Wait patiently, and battle patiently when those thoughts come. I pray the Lord give you wisdom and may God remove any lies about your worth in Jesus name.

I am enough now, not in the future. I am enough now. 

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Rebekka (missionary, prophet, pastor – qualified only by the blood of Jesus).

A New Day: My Story of Broken to Healed

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Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.

I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.

And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand. 

Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.

I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough. 

And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.

I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice. 

Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.  

And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.

In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”. 

And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now. 

No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me. 

I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.

I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful. 

The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.