God Loves To Trigger Me

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I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.

My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?

When she left I immediately burst out crying.

Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.

I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”

Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”. 

I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.

I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.

God told me “go eat with them”.

I said “no God”.

He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.

Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.

I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.

So with a slightly awkward start I said…

“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”. 

They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.

Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.

Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”

Seriously?

Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.

And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.

You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.

But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.

Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.

This morning she was all nice to me.

I think she felt guilty about it.

Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.

What do you have to confront in your life?

I had a dream I told my ex friend-

“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”

I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.

I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.

When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest. 

man-in-black-shorts-in-water-3544412The tears may come, let them come.

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Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. photo-of-coconut-tree-on-seashore-1576955Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. abstract-adventure-bright-canvas-2397652Let it all wash away.

Let it all wash away.

It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.

I felt the heat and the anger…

But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.

“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.

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Giving Thanks For the Pain

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Thank you to all my subscribers and readers who have silently read my blog and liked my posts. Although I have disabled comments, I do invite you to contact me in other ways, such as my instagram- rebekkalien.

Yesterday I was just thinking that I am so grateful for all the pain and shit I went through in my life. Though I could not understand it in the moment and often used to blame my parents (one who was absent for 10 years) for my dysfunctional heart, I grew up very fast and learned that forgiveness is everything.

  1. If I didn’t move to two different countries after Germany, I would not be the world traveler that I am today. I can adapt anywhere and my mind and heart is open to change.
  2. I didn’t have a fatherly voice in my life, but I grew very close to God, who I could not see but could talk to and feel. I became stable within.
  3. After immigrating, my family experienced financial hardships, but it was in the hardship I learned to find my worth. I didn’t know how to be a child and never got allowance, which I later complained about….my own desire for independence led me to see how hard it is to do it on my own and I reconciled my familial relationships. With a heart to know my earthly father, I reached out to him several times. It took several years of visiting him to forgive and love him, but I needed to do it for myself. I could have complained about it for years, but God moved me to be the initiator. It wasn’t my fault that he wasn’t around, but how could I love myself in this situation, to let go.
  4. I realize that my parents are perfect for me because I don’t know a lot of Asian parents who allowed their daughters to travel solo. Because they could hardly control me, I did what I wanted to. My mom also backpacked Europe when she was young.
  5. I’m thankful for the pain and battles I’ve been through as an entrepreneur. I remember crying on my bath mat because I was barely scraping by. The mat was purple by the way.

I can look back now and say, wow, I was brave, I was a warrior. I’ve learned so much and I am thankful for how far I’ve come as a person.

What pain are you thankful? What do you need to release today? Who do you need to forgive, for you own heart?

Stop Pimping Yourself Out

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(that’s a really ripe banana)

Wisdom always comes descending into my mind in the most inconvenient times like at 2am, 4 am. But then I am an alien so I have to be mindful of these downloads and know that this is why I’m on earth, to spread the wisdom of light.

This time I am confronted with the fact that I have let things distract me.

Which makes sense because God even spoke to me through a tattoo a few months ago. The tattoo said “focus”. 

Which brings me back to the fact that yes, I can blame people or specifically for my mom for being a distraction, always asking me to go out, go eat, go shopping, go somewhere with her…or I can simple learn to say no….that for once, in this time of INSPIRATION, this season where I don’t need to MIND anything but CREATION, CREATING, WRITING, DRAWING, CREATING as I have set my mind to do for the last year.

Originally my dream was basically to have non-distracted time to focus on my dream, which is the dream to create and do what I was born to do. 

So my logic started to beat myself up “dude, remember you wasted so much time putting others first?” I’m like SHUT UP.

Anyways, grace.

Then it dawned on me, I must VALUE myself and my time first before anyone else can VALUE ME. I must MASSIVELY value my talent and skills so I can massively impact the world for change. Don’t mind the money, don’t mind what’s going on in the world.

OUR JOB as artists, writers, musicians, creators is to create out of that secret place only we can….to bring fresh perspective, to be a vessel for which God creates through and with us. 

We must be creators….not constantly consuming the random streams of entertainment on facebook or social media, we must be INTENTIONAL about how we spend our time….because as creators, WE are the change. 

Living an intentional life seems to be impossible. Everyone is just responding to messages, staring at their phones, glued to present events instead of forecasting the future, dreaming, going about their dreams.

That is why I’m committing myself this day 8/18/2016 to be intentional about putting MYSELF first in this creating process so I can CREATE out of a space of health and freedom, instead of submitting to the urgency of other people around me. 

Sign- me.

Some people are so weirded out about the term “love yourself” but really it is just “valuing yourself”. Value your time, value your time.

Stop pimping yourself out. You don’t need to fix peoples’ lives, focus on creating so that you can have greater impact in this world. Sometimes codependent people are just a distraction so that you won’t write that book, create that podcast, write that article that millions and billions of people can be impact by.

I realize that by putting myself first, choosing my own well-being, health, sanity, I am loving the world at the same time. I am choosing the best for the world and I.

How about you? 

I would like to value myself more by: 

Fill in the blanks. Such as, “by not picking up my phone when I’m creating art” 

“Not taking on opportunities that don’t pay”

“Saying no and I don’t want to”

“Saying yes to my soul and what makes my spirit sing!”

PS- I’d like to add that the term starving artist has a connotation. Only when we are willing to starve as artists for the uncompromising truth of our soul will we then have massive impact. Because it is basically saying “I am SO passionate, I’d do anything for it”. When is the last time you felt that passionate about something? I believe it’s there, you have it within you.

What Would You Do If TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?

Yesterday I had this huge huge awakening. Something in my mind clicked after watching my Korean drama. I was so wooed by the romance in the drama that I thought to myself, why am I wooed by a drama, and not by life? Why am I not living out how I want to live?

Then I started journaling. I wrote an entry on why I am awesome (you should do that as well, it made me cry).

An excerpt of what I wrote: “I am awesome because I am extremely intelligent. I am beautiful, smart and wise. I am hardworking, creative and unique. I have a mind of my own and a heart of gold because I care for the poor and the oppressed. I’m funny, joyful and optimistic. I don’t let hardships get to me, even when they come, I persevere”.

WHY ARE YOU AWESOME? Write it down and you’ll be surprised how happy you’ll be.

Then I wrote WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?:

1. Apologize to anyone I ever hurt

2. Forgive everyone who’s hurt me

3. Smile more, laugh more

4. Take things lightly

5. Talk to family, appreciate them

6. Appreciate my friends and bf

7. Go outside more, watch the sunrise, go to the beach, enjoy nature

8. Say what’s on my heart and be thankful because this day IS A GIFT.

Most of us live life like it’s going to last forever. In fact, I do believe our souls live for eternity. However, our lifetime on earth is short. Recently, I realized how much had taken life for granted. I was complaining, discontent, mad that I had to go through so much longsuffering to become a successful artist. I was mad that I had taken such a unconvenient path, not knowing exactly where my money was coming from, living an unstable life…comparing myself mostly, and not ACCEPTING MY GIFT AND DESTINY.

Then I went for a walk. I became thankful for nature, for the silverlake reservoir, for all my friends and family that have been through EVERYTHING with me. I had so many breakdowns, I can’t remember how many times my friends have comforted me. I remember how money showed up in weird places, how my boyfriend took care of me when I was sick, how my mom cooked for me when I was broke, and the list goes on.

I’m truly thankful and I want to live each day like it’s my last, without grudges, being thankful ALWAYS.

What would YOU DO if TODAY was your last day living? (comment below)

Would you dance like no one is watching? Karaoke at the top of your lungs cuz you don’t give a shi#!?

South America: Finding Home in Brazil

Yes, that is my name on a towel. This is my first time couchsurfing and I was a little hesitant, but the family has been incredibly nice. They have one dog and two cats, the dog is named “Maggie” and has two poofy hairdo´s on the side of its head.

I now have complete access to internet, it`s incredible. After a horrible experience dying from food poisoning in Ecuador, I had to fly back to Quito and then to Brazil. Yesterday was a full day of flying, and my stomach was aching so bad. But thank God, today I feel great and I´ve learned a few Portugeuse words…unfortunately, with a Brazilian computer, I can´t spell check my English.

Small note of gratefulness: I had thrown away my crappy towel in Ecuador because I didn´t want to carry too much. On the way to the house, I asked my friend if they had an extra towel. When I got to there, they told me to look in the bathroom….voila- a new towel with my name on it. This may be a small surprise, but to me I knew that god had provided one with my very name on it. He sure takes care of His kids.

Everytime I look at the picture I am reminded that I have a home here in Brazil. I´ve been looking into a lot of travel writing sites, am trying to stop myself from compulsive workaholic behavior and not submit while I´m here. I know that I have something lined up in the states, there´s no human explanation, but my friend said that I´ll be working one on one with people, some kind of consulting work.

After going to the jungle, meeting Marco and working with the kids, I had 3 days. Even though, I didn´t have the money, I knew I had to go to the Galapagos Island because when would I return to Ecuador again? I put it on credit (yes, I know, not too smart, but somtimes  you have to sacrifice, plus it´s not like I have college loans) and flew there. I got sick the second day, wabam, diarrhea and vomit galore. I was praying my ass off (to put it nicely) and tons of people were back home to support me. But I felt completely alone and vulnerable.

As a 3rd world country, Ecuador sure had awesome hospitals. As a foreigner, I got to see the nurse for free and only had to pay 21 bucks for medication. They stabbed my arm with a vaccination shot and gave me some acid eating medicine. Wow, if I was in America, I would be screwed over with tons of bills.

Some pictures while I was still alive:

Galapagos

Turtoise

No I´m not in Taiwan, but there´s a street like the night market. There I met a Taiwanese, no kidding, straight from Taiwan. It felt good to talk in Mandarin because I had been speaking really bad Spanglish for 10 days.

I will expand on more when I return to the states. More posts to come!! And do keep the comments coming!! I love them! God bless!

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