God Loves To Trigger Me

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I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.

My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?

When she left I immediately burst out crying.

Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.

I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”

Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”. 

I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.

I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.

God told me “go eat with them”.

I said “no God”.

He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.

Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.

I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.

So with a slightly awkward start I said…

“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”. 

They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.

Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.

Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”

Seriously?

Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.

And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.

You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.

But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.

Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.

This morning she was all nice to me.

I think she felt guilty about it.

Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.

What do you have to confront in your life?

I had a dream I told my ex friend-

“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”

I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.

I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.

When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest. 

man-in-black-shorts-in-water-3544412The tears may come, let them come.

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Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. photo-of-coconut-tree-on-seashore-1576955Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. abstract-adventure-bright-canvas-2397652Let it all wash away.

Let it all wash away.

It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.

I felt the heat and the anger…

But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.

“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.

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When Love Becomes A Guilt Trip

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I woke up feeling a bit nauseous, I wasn’t sure what was happening.

I could hear my mom chopping vegetables and she was trying to cook. But then I felt fear in my heart for some reason. What is this. I heard “witchcraft”. I went outside to make a live video to pray and I heard God say “go out to eat”.

Now some of you might be thinking “omg isn’t that super evil?”

Well “witchcraft” is basically when we don’t let go of control and try to control our lives due to fear of the unknown. 

When I went back in my mom yelled “I spilled the eggs, I’m going out”. She was angry because I said I wanted to be alone and it is possible she may have overheard my prayer session outside.

I got sick a couple of days ago and I made the mistake of kind of blaming my mom for it. I said that she was accusing and yelling at me and because of that I didn’t feel comfortable at home and was going out and staying out a lot. I felt like she didn’t want me at home. Of course it was a spirit of lack attacking me making me feel less than (and unloved by her).

Well, perhaps she felt bad so she eased up on the accusations but then tried to “make me happy” instead.

Well, that basically didn’t work, because each day I started to feel that she was doing things out of guilt. 

I’ve been processing and crying a lot, but then I guess she felt bad for me.

She woke up and started striving- cooking….you would think “awww that’s so nice”, but God has given me a level of discernment I didn’t realize before.

Doing nice things for others can be out of “fear”.

I am afraid she is not feeling well, so I’ll cook for her.

I am afraid they are in pain, so I will do everything I can for her to make her feel better.

When we don’t let go of control of others and trust them to God we are playing God, we are essentially doing “witchcraft” because we want to be the ones to heal them.

I realize I was wrong to blame my mom for not going home early each day. But because she was trying to control me and my life, I did not feel free and needed to be out.

I realize that may be why people cheat, because they feel no freedom in that relationship. Control plays a devastating effect on relationships.

It’s not your fault that you’re trying to help people. Helping people is a great thing, but remember don’t do it to play God. 

 "Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip," said every daughter with a mother.

 

Please understand the difference between love and guilt.

God does not call us to do things out of obligation. I found this comic online. It really freaked me out how true this way. I pray that God set us all free from these codependent guilt tripping relationships. May we live freely out of love.

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